rate_review Reviews

Like the story. In fact this is the first story on this site I've ever felt the need to review it's a really good first chapter I look forward to seeing what you do next.

Enjoyable, and with plenty of potential, you should definitely continue

great start

loved the first chapter please continue with more :)

Very good first chapter, well written and realistic. You should definitely continue!

A decent start, too early to say much else. I do have to point out one technicality however.

By normal logic there is no way that the Hyuuga's would be allowed to keep their seal on Hinata, not once she's Naruto's slave. Before she was a member of the Hyuuga-clan and that fell under clan-laws, but now she's Naruto's property. Were it a seal that simply protected the Hyuuga-bloodline from being harvested after death I could see it stick, but it also can be used by any member of the main-branch to cause unbearable pain, even kill. Not only does this mean that basically any main-branch member can kill Naruto's slave without his consent, it also means that these outsiders in the Master-Slave situation can attempt to force Hinata to act against the wishes or interest of her Master. Basically if the Caged Bird Seal stays it undermines Naruto's authority as Hinata's Master, which the law is unlikely to allow.
Also, that seal is designed to maintain the Hyuuga-clan's monopoly on the Byakugan, and the only way that could work under these circumstances is if it can influence pregnancies, which again is now something between master and slave which the outsiders should not have any say in.

In any case, Naruto can and probably will go to Jiraiya and have the Seal removed. As Hinata is now his property and no longer in any way related to the Hyuuga-clan, Naruto can do that, and if the Hyuuga try to re-apply it that would be assault and attempted forceful enslavement of an unaffiliated kunoichi, and by extension an attack on Naruto himself, which gives him the right to self-defense a few Hyuuga.

i like it.

I admit this is going to be an interesting story, as long as the standard of writing doesn't decline. I would be interested in some further backstory to this practice you have set up

A rather cliche concept, but this is far better written than most, and I think you should continue it. However, it definitely needs to be proofread. There are several issues with grammar, the main one being the tense of verbs(wrote vs. writes, for instance), but the wrong forms of words pop up, too(then vs. than)

I found this to be a very interesting concept. It seems well written and very well developed. I look forward to future chapters with anticipation.