That Shizune scene made me laugh. I had the image of at some point Sasuke is doing his whole salesman spiel about how some girl hasn't had a good fuck in a long time, and she just looks at him and deadpans "No" before walking off.
I still can't get over what the fuck is that cum tank
Good as usual, though I have to say I GREATLY prefer the way you're handling Haku in the Remaster. One thing I tend to dislike in harem fics is that most people don't devote any time to giving individual girls a character arc of their one. It's just the protagonist dropping their pants and seducing people by the sole power of cock. It gets tiring, especially when for a minimal amount of effort you can change things so there's a 'reason' for that even if functionally the story is the same.
Wouldn't Sasuke be able to admit, at least in confidence, to Kakashi that he's the father of Rias' child?
Also, wouldn't Yugao be on birth control as established earlier in the fic as general kunoichi policy?
Just a couple of very minor plot holes I thought I'd point out.
Beyond that, overall this is good.One thing I constantly craved when reading this is that sense of emotional intimacy. Rias and Sasuke might not be at the level of destined love, but it's very clear she loves him and his actions show affection (kissing her, looking after her, ect rather than just pump and dump).
I would like to see going forward into the Remaster that you play this angle a little more. Not necessarily in expliclty Sasuke/Rias terms, but just in general. Once Sasuke conquers a girl, or whatever, we should be able to experience affection. This would be doubly so in the case of total cock sluts like you tell me you plan to turn Sakura into. Drooling about dick is meh, but expressing a deep rooted adoration that a broken slave might have for a master is something else. You got pretty close to this ideal when you wrote Rias' feelings towards Sasuke, and I'd like to see that shown more commonly and explored more deeply.
I think I've expressed my thoughts on this love phenemona enough lately in reviews and conversations.
So moving on I'd just like to suggest something that occurred to me.
In the original Lone Wanderer the development of the various waifus is very uneven. Girls like Yugao or Ino or Kushina get VERY sparse development, while girls like Samui or Konan get an almost absurd amount in comparison. Obviously I always want to see MOAR development in general, but maybe you could consider trimming the list some.
In my opinion it's better to have five well-developed waifus with their own story arcs, compared to having fifteen waifus that are just one shot wonders. So perhaps you'd be better off to look over the list of the entire mass harem and decide if you want to cut down on a few of the girls, or genderbend a few of them back (i.e making Gaara a man again). A mass harem is a mass harem, but it doesn't need to include literally every vaguely desirable woman/genderbend conceived of.
" At first, he'd thought of all of these fuck buddies as just that - fuck buddies, people that he visited whenever he was stressed or bored, and fucked into unconsciousness. "
Hey, it's me bitching again. I saw this line and thought again about development and so forth.
It occurs to me that you should draw a line between cock breaking and real love. Someone like Konan or Rias can believably be in love with Sasuke because of continued exposure and on screen non-sex interactions. If you want to really sell it then it makes less sense for someone like Temari to just confess love when they had sex only a few times (hot springs, kage summit, random town, and here). I'm not complaining from a waifu perspective, but it should either take longer or the encounters should be more frequent (even if offscreen like how Rias lived with Sasuke for half a year). Or you could sell it as cock mind break.
I think this is actually the best part of the fic. Not from a waifu perspective since I'm ambivalent on the Kumo Trio, and not from a fetish perspetive, since the breeding and dominance is meh. But simply for the fact of having the various women in Sasuke's life actually express territoriality and conflict both with him and between themselves. It gives them an agency they generally lacked otherwise.
This reminds me very vaguely and only very peripherally of Sasuke's Condition. There's a simliar element of dubious consent since Sasuke basically captures them both and then tempts them into sexual submission without giving them the option to flee.
I don't know if you'd be willing to deepen element and make a slide into immorality part of Sasuke's development through the Remaster, but it would be nice to see. I mean, a Sasuke that is willing to cut the bars and basically do whatever he needs to do even if it's unethical to own a woman he wants to own would be pretty ace fetish. Chuuni as hell maybe, but wankworthy.
I dislike large orgies because I feel detail is lost. As smut readers we're always craving for more detail. We want things to be right there in our faces. We want to know who is doing what, and why, and what it feels like. It's a matter of showing, not telling. Again, I'm reminded of the Rias orc cock story simply because when I read it I was struck by how overtly detailed and filthy it became, right down to talking about how her cum gummed up the sink.
So in the Remaster I hope you don't do a repeat of this birthday bash thing. You're doing a massive project with proper plot arcs, and a scene like this really feels like emotionless smut without any underarching narrative or plot purpose.
That complaint made, I did want to proceed to the whole Sasuke and Naruko relationship. It's not bad really. I enjoy reading it and the development has been pleasant. But I like the idea of it being MORE. Of it being deeper and more dramatic. I mean, looking back at canon I can't imagine any arc that should be more intense and more detailed than the Naruko one.
I'm not sure how to feel about this chapter. My emotional response was just meh. But it was technically solid there are no glaring problems. We got some development for Rias and Kurenai was introduced with a plot thay wasn't 'she saw his dick and had to have it'. It could have been better, especially since I imagine the Asura guilt could play in, but it could be worse.