i have to admit I'm a little disappointed because all things point to hinata ending up like how she was in the previous story. I'm disappointed because her character in that story was a little confusing because at times it felt like she still loved naruto but in others she didn't want anything to do with him. I was hoping in this story there would be a more definite line that showed exactly how hinata felt about naruto. Since we have already seen a more slave version of hinata I was hoping for her to be a bit more like herself in this story or at least make exactly how she feels about naruto clear. You have great writing skills so I'm sure you'll think of someway to make her true feelings known.
Ps: while my review seems a little naruto biased I won't lie I like naruto way better then sasuke, but I was hoping that this story would have more realism in the fact that someone who has been married for twenty years would not become a slave after having sex with another man a couple times.
Does Sasuke really need lube? Seriously, just shove his cock inside Sakura's cunt and she'll have her cum act as the lube. XD
The "nightmare" is a vision of what will happen. No matter what, Sasuke will end up claiming Hinata and they'll make their Uchiha Hyuga babies. But Naruto getting a hint of what's gonna happen soon is nice. Set's up a decent foreshadowing for later. And Hinata's thoughts drifting to Sasuke's cock and then her chanting later that Naruto is still better is good way of showing that she is resisting, and it is only a matter of time before she breaks.
LOL XD "I love you, too. Not that way." Unless he turns into Naruko, then you'll love your best friend.
Question though: How old are Boruto and Himawari? I'm not sure of their age right now.
The way that Sasuke was giving Naruto and Hinata sex lessons since they are only used to missionary is hilarious. Of course, nothing is weirder than how Goku admits that he never once kissed Chichi. I shit you not, Dragon Ball Super shows that Goku doesn't even KNOW what kissing is, so it proves he's never kissed Chichi.
I liked the first story, but I think this fic is a definite improvement from the original. One of the things I found lacking in the first fic is that the character motivations were weak overall. Why did Sakura go along with it for years? Why didn't Naruto or Hinata second-guess the arrangement, especially after Himawari got involved? Sasuke was the main character, yet most of the time his actions were a mystery. Sometimes I thought he was just being a good friend by going along with whatever the Uzumakis wanted, while others, I thought he might be a villain. Without understanding what he really wanted, he was more like a convenient penis than a main character.
I think this story improves character motivations, which improves the character deelopment. Sakura's doing it out of friendship to Naruto and doesn't feel threatened by the Uzumakis (yet?) Naruto's still got his fetish. Hinata's getting the best of both worlds: her husband and good sex. And Sasuke both feels like he owes Naruto and also wants to beat him at something.
I didn't like the dark ending of the previous fic, partially because I like happy ends (most of the time), but also partially because Sasuke enslaving Naruto didn't make sense to me. Eventhough he didn't want to, Sasuke broke Sarada because it would undermine Konoha if people found out about the Uzumaki family sharing a lover. But does that undermine Konoha any less than the humiliation of its Hokage suddenly turning into a woman with a cum addiction? It was also surprising that Sasuke would suddenly destroy his best friend after being okay with their arrangement for over a decade. At first I thought he did it as revenge for being forced to break Sarada, but that didn't seem to be the case.
If you still want to go the dark end route, you have the opportunity to set it up better in this story. You could have the Uzumakis become increasingly unreasonable in their demands (so they aren't innocent parties in this either), until something happens which is the straw that breaks the camel's back. Or you could just end it with everyone happily sharing their fetishes together. :P
I'll just say one last thing since I'm sure this comment is getting too long already. This is more of a personal preference than a writing issue, but I honestly didn't like Himawari in the previous story. I hate all the next gen kids in general, but I especially hate Himawari. Her character design is the worst and her personality is almost as bad. It was a total turn-off for me to read her in sex scenes, so I skimmed all the parts of the story with her in it.
So in an effort to be honest, just letting you know off the bat I'm biased against her. But even with that, I still don't know what she brought to the story? It felt like anything you did with her, you could've just as easily done with Hinata. The two women weren't all that distictive. There's also the question of why both of the parents were getting off on her joining in. I don't think Naruto's cuck fetish explains him being okay with incest (more or less), and it certainly doesn't explain Hinata's willingness to let the kid join in.
I also thought the story just flowed better when it was just the three adults. (It's less characters to manage all at once, for one thing. Sasuke isn't awkwardly running around from room to room taking care of various people.) Sasuke giving Naruto and Hinata sex lessons was pretty entertaining, and if he sees the arrangement partially as a rivalry thing, an eventual power struggle between him and Naruto would also be pretty entertaining. All of these things work better without an extra person in the room acting like the 3rd wheel (or in this case, the 4th wheel). As a member of the next gen, Himawari is simply an outsider to the K11 dynamic. Naruto turning himself into Naruko worked fine if you wanted to add an extra woman into the mix (and there's always Sakura as well). LOL Naruko has the potential to create weird situations and humorous tension between husband and wife. For example, if they start bickering over who gets Sasuke's cock first, or Hinata gets jealous over Naruko being prettier than her, or maybe Hinata discovers she likes seeing Naruko get pounded and suddenly understands Naruto's cuck fetish.
Anyway, those are just my thoughs on the matter. Good luck on your rewrite, man!
I think naruto really wouldn't have any problems with his cock size because it would be naruto who would have bigger cock as he possesses great yang energy and kyuubi chakra and six path chakra so naruto would be filled with life and yang energy so naruto body would be great and naruto would have bigger cock
Have you ever read Kate Sex bomb?
I think it follows the general theme of your story (except it switches Naruto with Sasuke but removes the "sexual incompetence" aspect and replaces it with apathy Vs passion.
I was sad to find out that the author of that hadnt written anymore Naruto stories. His plots and writing style was very interesting.
And hey, 3 reviews to a single chapter! You're welcome 😋
Kinda hoped you'd try something a little different to be honest.
It's a bit different in tone I guess, less ridicule being thrown Naruto's way etc, but at the end of the original story, it felt like you were trying to squeeze blood out of a stone.
Write what makes you happy I guess.
Please, no cum eating by no male. At least unless Naruto is Naruko, if you're willing to go that road here.
Oh, and different fic name would help greatly.
I think you mean UCHIHA Sakura. And btw what is she getting out of all this? Other than being fucked in the ass. Kinda seems unfair.
I actually do like this better.
Though, by hentai logic NTR only works with a difference in Cock size, it's good that you're (at least) trying to add in personality differences as well.