He Walked Away

He cracked a smile and walked away

...He cracked a smile and walked away

....He cracked a smile and walked away

.....And he walked away.

{Ahem...Now for the warnings. This fic is mostly narrated in first person point of view, but I promise it is not annoying (at least I hope not.). There are no romantic pairings in this fic, but there are hints of implied and future relationships. This fiction features non graphic child abuse, molestation, and rape. Implies homosexuality. Self-abuse (as in body mutilation not masturbation). Unhealthy sexual interest of adult males in little boys. Child character briefly describing what had been done to him to a trusted adult. Child character narrating a rape scene he witnesses. Descriptive blood and gore...and finally Angst and Drama. I have this fic on FF.net, but I wanted to bring it here and add some descriptives to it.}

He Walked Away...

Ch 1: Losing Himself

{Naruto's POV}

Do you know what pain feels like? People think they know, physical and psychological pain. How about the pain of having your very soul ripped away from your bones? Having your free will cast off and yet still able to see and feel everything done to your shell, everything they force you to do?

'You don't know pain like that. Just walk away.'

I protected you. I loved you. All I asked for in return was acknowledgment of my existence, of my humanity. Yet you deny me even that! I loved you. You were my brother! You just walked away. Your face is burned into my brain until it hurts. I can not close my eyes without seeing your mocking smile. If you hate me then hate me. If you deny my existence then why not kill me? Leave me to die, but not kill me. Call me pathetic but ignore my cries of rage and pain. Hurt me without knowing what you do. I still love you! Am I even beneath your hatred? That would mean recognizing my existence. I don't exist any more, not in your eyes not in anybody's heart. I'm broken, it hurts. A nonexistent pain that can't be soothed. An injury no doctor could mend, and illness there is no cure for.

"I love you, Sasuke." Sasuke turned. He cracked a smile and walked away. I closed my eyes and it all went black...

...Perhaps it would have been better to die there, the pain would be gone. The physical pain I preferred to the anguish my soul felt. I failed, somehow I failed him. My friend, my brother needed something I couldn't provide. Strength. He went away to gain it from someone else. I regret him. I regret loving him and trusting him. He and I were two sides of the same coin. Dark/light, stoic/spastic, genus/dobe, respected/reviled, loved/hated, feared, feared, feared. People feared the Uchiha Sharningan, and they feared the demon child. Fear of him brought respect and recognition. The demon only brought hate, shunning, beatings, sometimes starvation, never love.

I was dead last in everybody's hearts and minds. For once I thought I wasn't dead last in something. Even if you didn't love me brother, you respected me. Now that's gone too. I have nothing, but I can't die! It won't let me. I know I've tried. Sakura hates and resents me, I guess that's better then being ignored. She wants Sasuke and I was supposed to go get him, but I wasn't strong enough. I'm so tired of life, but mustn't let on, it will only make life harder and more unbearable to live if they know I have given up. I'm a looser, a dobe, a baka, an idiot, dead last, a monster, I want to die! I want to just crawl under a rock and die!

"So how are you feeling Naruto?" Sakura gave her fake smile that stopped before it made it to her eyes. I am an expert at fake smiles that behind her eyes was disgust.

My heart wrenched, but I smiled back at her, "I'm sorry Sakura I made a promise and I intend to keep it. I'll bring him back, next time." In her eyes was anger now I think she would have hit me if I weren't already so banged up. Her fake smile stayed in place, but as I said I am an expert and fake smiles. Sometimes I think If I didn't smile the world would end. My chest was hurting really badly my heart monitor fluctuated. I fought the pain. I had a bad case of tunnel vision and the voices grew tinny.

"He's going into cardiac arrest!" I heard a nurse shout. Though it sounded distant she was right beside me. I looked for Sakura she was gone, or I couldn't see well enough to find her then I closed my eyes as the heart monitor fluctuated again and I passed out...

WHat must have been hours later, or was it days, I awoke in a different room all by myself. I had painful stitching up my chest and a Tube was stuck in my throat. I panicked and started to gag. I tried to rip the blasted thing out it was very uncomfortable, but a pale hand stilled my frantic tugging. 'Sasuke!' I wanted to say, but I knew it wasn't him. It was my sensei, Kakashi. I tried to calm down and plaster a smile or an angry look on my face to hide my discomfort.

"Don't move around too much, you had to go in for surgery, you should be fine in a few weeks, but your heart had been nearly destroyed when-when Sasuke hit your chest with the chidori. Luckily the med-nins were able to repair most of the damage. Sakura was quite upset so I sent her home," Kakashi was trying to look convincing, I know she was disgusted with me that's why she left. Why do they bother? If they hate me like everybody else. Don't play me. I have feelings too just cause I let them think I don't care doesn't mean I should be walked all over and used. I just want to be alone so I can finally cry. I will never let them see behind my mask, just like you sensei will never drop your mask. It protects me from further harm.

"Good night Naruto, try to get some rest," I watched the man go he was pulling out one of his make-out books, not even bothering to look at me as he said good night. I know he hates me, I'm not good enough, and now I lost his prize student. He must think I am so low. I hate myself enough for the whole village. I just wish they wouldn't give me false hope. When were a team I smiled real smiles. I thought I was your friend. Even when Sakura hit me there was a kinship that is gone now, It's my fault. I lost. Now I have no one again, even Iruka-sensei must hate me. I am sure I am a disappointment. I want to roll over and bury my head in my pillow, but it's to painful and to hard to move. I just close my eyes...

"Hey Naruto," I hear a voice I haven't heard in a long time. I open my eyes again. My throat hurts a great deal, but at least the stupid tube is gone. I open my mouth to speak, but it hurts and only a pained squeak escaped my lips.

"D-don't talk, you-you know you really scared me." Iruka-sensei smiled softly I wish he had more time for me now, but he has new students, new interests. I was probably his worst, most annoying student. 'I miss you, Iruka-sensei,' I couldn't help but feel tears trying to betray me. I was glad they have me pretty doped up I felt my head lull. I was glad for the blackness. I just felt so tired...