Self-Reliance

Note: Since nobody seemed to read this last time...ALL FIFTEEN CURRENT CHAPTERS OF SELF-RELIANCE ARE ON FF.NET, UNDER MY FULL PENNAME, IMBRIUM IRIDUM. I UPDATE HERE AT MY LEISURE, SO THAT I HAVE SOMEWHERE TO GO IF FF.NET KICKS ME OFF.

So...eesh. Go read it over there.

*


CHAPTER TEN: RAMEN SEDUCTION TECHNIQUES

Sasuke started noticing a trend in that first week back in Konoha. He’d kept to himself, spending the time not monopolized by cleaning the apartment resting and eating, and he had thought that he’d be left alone because of that. The village didn’t know that he was back---Uchiha Sasuke, that is; it was pretty well-known that Umichi Satori was visiting Konoha---so he’d been sure he’d be spending some quality time with anti-nausea tea and a squeegee.

But then came the visitors.

Ninja were notoriously bad gossips.

They tried to be sly about it---almost all women, coming one at a time with a meal and a smile---but he caught onto their ploy very quickly. First came Ino with a bowl of hot-and-sour soup as apology for her point-and-stammer debacle of the day before. She giggled and chattered and tried her best not to stare---much to Sasuke’s dismay and irritation; he was getting tired of people staring at his stomach, and he wasn’t even near full-term yet, damn them---and left with the assurance that she’d come by later that week with another meal. After Ino came Ten-Ten with dumplings---and Sasuke had to wonder if he’d ever talked to Ten-Ten past hellos and goodbyes, much less about his current iron intake---and so the people who knew the boy was back in town suddenly numbered seven. Then came Sakura with tater-tot casserole (her specialty, despite its dubious name), and she had the goodness to give him another Poke and Prod At Sasuke’s Tummy session disguised as a checkup. Last, but definitely not to be forgotten, came Hinata and her son, Yuji, with a thick and hearty potato soup. Unlike the other women, who stared and giggled, Hinata was surprisingly sympathetic and knowing. Possibly because she was a mother herself, Hinata had advice and encouragement for the Uchiha.

“Sasuke-kun, you are incredibly lucky,” Hinata said gently, watching with amusement as her toddler son tottered about the now much-cleaner Uchiha residence. Yuji happily gabbled nonsense at Sasuke, waving his stuffed ducky with enthusiasm. Sasuke had trouble not cracking a small smile at the heinously cute Hyuuga baby. Even with Neji as his father, he seemed to have missed out on his share of icily apathetic Hyuuga personality.

“Lucky?” Sasuke repeated dubiously, staring down at the infant tugging at his pants. “How so?”

“Triplets,” Hinata smiled. “That is fantastic, to carry three sweet lives within you. You really do have to take care of yourself, though…ano…” She blushed. Though marriage to Neji had given her a bit of backbone---and motherhood had reaffirmed that---she still sometimes reverted to her older habits of stammering and blushing in a pile of indecisive mush when faced with tough subjects. And pointing out that Sasuke was a bony mess was a touchy subject for anyone, much less ever-shy Hinata.

“I look like a scarecrow with some kind of strange growth in his stomach,” Sasuke said, frowning at Yuji as he reached his chubby little hands up at the dark-haired chuunin, jabbering and making animated grabbing motions. “What’s with the kid?”

“He wants you to pick him up,” she said, attempting not to smile as he blinked confusedly at the little boy, as if the thought of picking up and holding someone else’s spawn was completely foreign to him. Which it probably was. Uchiha Sasuke probably hadn’t held a baby in his entire life---Hinata considered this necessary desensitization, considering that he was going to have three babies of his own in another couple of months.

“Gmwee?” Yuji squeaked, waving his arms ecstatically at the pregnant man.

“Er…right…” Sasuke said slowly, bending over to pick up the infant. He did so gingerly, as if taking an enormous risk with a particularly voracious and crippling disease. Yuji squealed happily in his arms, tugging at a long hank of Sasuke’s black hair.

“Not so bad, is it?” Hinata asked, glowing in approval as her son attempted to stick his handful of hair into his curious mouth. The Uchiha looked as if he was afraid he was going to break the little boy---he held him lightly, his dark eyes locked bemusedly on the baby’s creamy lavender ones, a dire expression on his pale face. “I think he likes you, Sasuke-san!”

“Ah, fantastic,” Sasuke deadpanned, freeing his now-slightly-gummed and sticky hair from Yuji’s mouth. “Gives me hope that my own spawn won’t hate me.” He sighed, chasing away the baby’s hands as they went back for a second go at his invitingly long bangs. “How do you do this, Hinata? Carrying these babies is hard enough, but once they’re born…”

“Being a single parent with triplets will undoubtedly be difficult,” Hinata murmured as Sasuke squeaked the ducky plushie in hopes of distracting Yuji from trying to eat his hair again. He hated to see what the baby did to his own father’s extremely long hair… “But you are a strong man, Sasuke-san, and I can sense you have a deep love for them already.”

Sasuke didn’t say anything to that. He just sighed as Yuji happily gummed the ducky, tucking his little head beneath Sasuke’s chin and settling down for an unexpected nap in his arms. He hummed and mumbled, stroking Sasuke’s collarbone with one chubby hand.

I’m going to have three of these things mucking about pretty soon, he thought ruefully, but not unkindly. Three little mouths to feed, three pairs of diapers to change, three of everything nasty and bothersome that comes of babies. But…three kisses for every scraped knee, three hugs for every first step…that…might be worth it. Might make it better, if nothing else. And Naruto will be there…Naruto will…when nobody else is around to see or hear or know that I love that boy…

“Ah, I’ll take him before he starts drooling on you,” Hinata said, gently freeing her son from Sasuke’s arms. “Silly thing…just like his daddy. Ano…Sasuke-san, may I…um…may I ask who…?”

“I’d rather not talk about it,” the Uchiha said stiffly. “It was simply a relationship of convenience, for the sake of these children. Conceiving was all I had in mind, and beyond that, the father holds nothing for me. Unlike you, I can’t take comfort in another of my bloodline, so I had to go outside it---breaking whole chapters of the Uchiha family tradition, but I’ve never been so keen on the thought of inbreeding for the sake of lineal purity, anyhow. Aside from genetics, the father means little to me. I’m sure you understand familial duty.”

And Sasuke found that lying about it actually hurt. Saying Naruto was nothing---painful. Saying that their relationship meant nothing---painful. Saying that what was between them now was nothing more than an effort for reclaiming his clan---painful. It hurt to think about, it hurt to admit, it hurt to realize it had been true in the beginning. Sasuke didn’t really like to think about how selfish and cold he’d been at first---how willing to talk himself into hating Naruto and consider him an extension of his necessary duty. He hadn’t exactly apologized to Naruto for that---probably never would, because he rarely apologized to the dobe for anything, not even for almost killing him and then leaving in a search of power. He didn’t apologize because Naruto always seemed to know, regardless. The dobe usually knew what he wasn’t saying, and ignored everything he did.

But this…lying to an entire village of allies about something that should be so simple and pure…it left a knot in his chest and a sinking sensation of salty guilt in his stomach.

Hinata must have been able to decipher the flashing emotions that were crowded and storming on Sasuke’s face---she was a master of Byakugan above all else, and this meant that body-language was a dialect she fluently spoke, even if it was Sasuke, who made every effort to stifle his facial expressions. She sighed.

“You know…” Hinata said in a small, shy voice. “Neji and I…Neji and I started that way. A relationship of convenience, for the sake of bringing his bloodline back into the main line of the Hyuuga clan. Neither of us had a choice in the matter; we were just told by the elders that we were expected to bear at least one son…and I saw that as a necessary duty to my clan. I had to be strong, because I didn’t want to marry Neji at all. I was sixteen---I’d hoped for something else, you know? But Neji appreciated that strength of resolve I had, and…” Hinata blushed, nuzzling her cheek against her sleeping baby’s dark head. “…and we fell in love during my pregnancy with little Yuji. Do you think that maybe…maybe that might happen with your relationship of convenience?”

“Maybe,” Sasuke said quietly. Maybe it already has, maybe it will work out that nicely…maybe not. Maybe they’ll hang Naruto for this one, despite my assurances that it’s become consensual… “I…I’m sorry to cut this conversation short, but Godaime-sama is expecting me for a checkup.”

“I understand,” Hinata said with that sweetly beaming smile of hers. “I wish you luck, Sasuke-san, and I’ll see you later!”

When Hinata said ‘I’ll see you later’, Sasuke had assumed without thinking that she’d meant it in the way that they lived in the same village, and seeing each other was an eventuality. He wouldn’t have thought in the least that she meant it in the sense that ‘I’ll see you later at the not-so-secret baby shower that the conniving women of this village have planned in order to congratulate you and to submit you to a loving dose of humiliation!’. He couldn’t have thought that someone as sweet and unassuming as Hyuuga Hinata would have had a hand in the planning of the most painful baby shower Konoha had ever seen, but then again, Hinata had developed an interesting crafty streak since marrying Neji…

Thankfully, Tsunade spoiled the surprise.

“How are you doing?” Tsunade asked as the chuunin seated himself on the examination table, hands loosely clasped over his stomach.

“Better,” Sasuke admitted. “I’ve gained five pounds this week alone---a joint effort by my newly revived appetite and the female ninja of Konoha. Every woman in this village seems bent on feeding me.”

“You’d think they’d never seen a pregnant man,” Tsunade said with a grin. “Speaking of which, they’ve got a not-so-secret baby shower planned for you this afternoon. I thought it wise to warn you beforehand, in hopes that you won’t kill all the guests attending if you’re given a little time to cope.”

“A baby shower?” the Uchiha groaned. He paused for a moment, throwing the idea around in his head and realizing he had positively no idea what the true horror of a baby shower was. He blinked at the Godaime. “What exactly does a baby shower entail?”

“Baby showers have a standard format,” Tsunade said, rubbing her chin. “Friends and family of the pregnant woman---in this case, you---come with baby-related gifts in exchange for several hours of talking with and poking at said pregnant person. Women usually drag their husbands along in an effort to remind her man exactly how deficit he is when it comes to gracing her with children. On the whole, it’s a giant conspiracy against males. Makes it interesting, seeing as you’re male yourself…”

“Not interesting,” Sasuke corrected. “Painful. Who all…”

“Everyone,” the Godaime said, grinning widely. “Everyone who knows both you and Naruto---“

“Not me and Naruto---together---nobody knows that---“

“Of course not,” Tsunade said airily, waving one manicured hand. “I thought that you’d do what you will, and explain what you will when you will. Personally, I don’t have a problem with Naruto claiming you as his ‘mate’, but there are some who won’t be quite so forgiving.” She sighed, her expression oddly sympathetic. “Not everyone sees Naruto in the same light that you and I see him. You must have seen something in him to have sought him out as the father.”

“Naruto told you about that?” Sasuke asked, frowning slightly.

“He told me about that, about your unlikely relationship and recent trials, and about your stomach pains. Sasuke-kun…that was the beginning of a false abortion. If you hadn’t turned fully male, I’m almost certain that your body would have expelled the triplets.”

Sasuke’s eyes darkened.

“It was a close call,” he said carefully, without a hint of emotion in his voice either way. He didn’t want to admit to anger at the emotional mess he and Naruto had tripped into, and, above that, he didn’t want to admit to the horror and devastation that had tightened his throat at the realization that he had started contractions. It definitely ranked high on the Bad Day Scale, but it was one day and it was over. Naruto had vowed never to throw him into that kind of emotional turmoil again, so he’d deluded himself into believing that all could be well.

Tsunade didn’t let him live with that particular delusion.

“It could happen again. Easily.”

“I’m staying here, alright?” Sasuke snapped. “I’m suffering through grazing almost constantly, I’m gaining weight, and the only time I’m out of the apartment is when I’m here, getting poked at. I’m barely getting out of bed anymore, much as this weakness, this---inactivity is driving me mad. I’m doing all that I can.”

“I’m just making sure you’re aware,” Tsunade said gently. “That this might not work, regardless of how determined you are to see it through. I’m sorry, but it might…it might end in a miscarriage despite everything.”

“It won’t,” the dark-haired man hissed, bowing his head so that the angry tears prickling at his eyes would be hidden. “I won’t let them go.”

“Sasuke-kun…” she sighed again, sitting back at her desk and shaking her head at him. “Keep coming in for your weekly visits and we’ll see what happens. I can’t promise you anything---definitely not for a couple more weeks, and only if your condition continues to improve.”

“So there’s still some hope left for me?” Sasuke asked tightly.

“It depends a lot on the strength of their will to survive,” Tsunade said, sizing up the Uchiha in a long look. His eyes gleamed with tears he refused to shed. Probably later, nestled in Naruto’s arms, the tears would claim him; Tsunade didn’t mind begrudging him his stubborn personality. Naruto was the only emotional outlet Sasuke allowed himself, and as long as the blond jounin helped him through the mourning Tsunade was afraid would come, Sasuke might not lose himself. They could try again. If she saw him through from the beginning, maybe his chances of carrying a child to full term would be better…

But then again, Tsunade was probably taking for granted exactly how stubborn Uchiha Sasuke and Uzumaki Naruto were. Together, the stubbornness of their children would be something for the legends.

“They’ll make it,” Sasuke said, valiantly convincing himself as he said it. He slid off the examination table, feeling the need to leave before he lost his composure completely. Tears---be they hormone-induced or not---were fine in front of Naruto at this point, but he was selfishly unwilling to allow the Godaime to see him in such a state.

“I hope so,” Tsunade said. “Sakura, Shizune and I will make every effort to help you through this. Until then, rest up, eat up, and enjoy your baby shower.”

“Baby showers,” Sasuke said, voice hitching in a weak laugh. “Bah.”

*

After his morning deliberations with Neji and Konohamaru---which included wholly of them conferring information and theories about the mission they’d be leaving for in two days’ time---Naruto always checked in with his mate to see how his morning had gone, to make sure he’d had breakfast, and to share lunch with him. It was a gentle enough schedule they’d held over the past week---shared meals, talks, and more cleaning than Naruto had done during the rest of his life combined---and he’d found himself slipping into it gladly. Domesticity, for a ninja, was a rare treat.

But then again, Sasuke wasn’t quite the model domestic, and he somewhat made a point out of tugging Naruto’s strings. It wasn’t that he full-out tried, but he was worried about their triplets, weary, and more than a little stressed out over his mate leaving on a mission---this left him sulky and snappy. And when Sasuke was in a bad mood, he brooded, and when he brooded, he tended to move to higher ground…

Naruto found him out on the roof of the apartment, stretched out as if cloud-watching, but, unlike amiable Shikamaru, Sasuke had a hot glare on his face. The blond jounin frowned down at him, balancing two bowls of ramen on his head---a feat that would have been impossible if not for the fun uses of sticky chakra---and realizing that he had a familiar shadow cast over him, Sasuke turned his glare on his mate with a scowl.

“You know what,” Naruto said irritably. “It seems like every time I leave you alone, I find you hiding in increasingly dangerous places. First a tree, and now the roof? Sasuke, you live on the edge. I fear for our babies sometimes.”

“Still a ninja,” Sasuke pointed out. “Shut up.”

“What are you surly about this time?” Naruto asked wearily, setting one of the bowls of ramen in front of his mate. “Eat.”

Sasuke did so obediently, that wan expression still tightening his features between bites of noodle.

“Tsunade seems to think that it’s only a matter of time until I miscarry,” he said furiously, his eyes deepening to maroon as Sharingan began to bubble up, triggered by his anger. He seemed to catch himself halfway there, forcibly shutting down his stress and his bloodline with an irritated little growl. “I’m trying my damnedest at his point to care for myself, but that doesn’t seem to be enough. On top of that particularly horrendous bit of news, the women have decided to mock my condition by submitting me to a baby shower.”

“A baby shower?” Naruto repeated, blue eyes widening.

“A baby shower,” Sasuke agreed, his deep voice dripping with poison and frustration. He had to fight to keep Sharingan reigned in; his black eyes flashed frantically between natural and crimson. Naruto slung his arm around his thin shoulders and leaned him close. He synchronized their chakra systems through the contact---if Sasuke wasn’t able to control his frazzled temper, he’d lend him the chakra to stabilize both the active jutsu and Sharingan. The wheels of his bloodline limit swirling madly, Sasuke glowered at a passing-by cloud, venomous.

“Is there something wrong with baby showers?” Naruto asked carefully.

“Is there something wrong with---honestly, Naruto, think! If everyone is coming to my baby shower, everyone knows I’m pregnant. Nobody except for Sakura and Tsunade know about you---you-and-me you---so we’re safe there, but…” He whimpered, laying his head against the curve of Naruto’s shoulder. “…but they’re going to poke and gawk and generally act like I’ve completely lost my mind along with my body.”

“Do you think that anyone can do anything against it?” Naruto asked, rolling his eyes. “You’re Uchiha Sasuke. You can do whatever the hell you want, including getting yourself pregnant.”

“They pity me too much to go against my wishes,” the Uchiha said, pulling an irritated face. “And I can’t precisely run away at this point…have to stay under Tsunade’s supervision, or I really might miscarry. God-freaking-shitty-baby showers.”

“Don’t complain too loudly---it’ll only be one day, and I’ll leave before the guests start arriving,” Naruto said, planting a kiss on his temple.

“What do you mean, leave?” Sasuke asked, slightly twitchy at the idea of having everyone come and poke at his pregnant self and not having any kind of emotional support.

“Leave,” Naruto repeated as if it was just that simple. “’Cause you don’t want them knowing I’m the daddy, right?”

“What happened to Mr. Acknowledge Me As The Father!Uzumaki?” Sasuke demanded, glaring. “You wouldn’t shut up about it at the summerhouse, but now that we’re back in Konoha, you’ve changed your mind?”

“No, you don’t get it,” he said, and then sighed. “Look, I know who I am…what my standing is around here when it comes to the older generation. You had the right idea when you said you didn’t want me to be the father as far as it went socially---you might as well have shagged a monster with the way the older folks look at me. They only see the Kyuubi, not me, and that equates with you having demon babies.”

“But they’re not demon babies,” Sasuke argued. “At least they damn well better not be.”

“That’s not the point---the point is, I just wanted you to acknowledge me as the babies’ father, and let me treat them like my kids once they’re born. But you and me together…the village elders would have a group heart attack. I don’t need them to recognize me as the other contributing chromosomes---just you, when we’re together alone. For now, it’ll be easier on you not to say anything. It’ll be best if you and I don’t draw…attention to ourselves.”

Sasuke stared down at his ramen, suddenly uncomfortable.

But I want you to be the father, he thought waspishly, stirring around the soggy mess with his chopsticks. It was easier to glare at the undeserving noodles than at Naruto, the stupidly unselfish kyuubi-boy. I chose you to be my “mate”.

“You’re still coming,” Sasuke growled, because it was easier than voicing his real thoughts on the issue. “I’m going to kill them all if I’m left alone at my own baby shower, and I don’t have the chakra to waste on mass-murder at this point. You’re going to have to stay in order to make sure I don’t do anything stupidly homicidal.”

“Saaaasukeeee….”

“I’m serious,” he snarled, jabbing with one of his chopstick for emphasis. “You have to stay, because endless hours of fellow ninja staring at my stomach and trying to be awkwardly sympathetic will finish the emotional scarring Itachi and Orochimaru started!”

“Fine,” Naruto said, huffing a sigh that ruffled Sasuke’s hair. “But I’ll keep away from you as much as possible, to not bring suspicion on us and stuff. So…more ramen?”

“I’m about to pop buttons already,” Sasuke replied darkly. “Sakura has been too busy to take me shopping, so I’m making do with clothing too tight to begin with. I may be undersized for six months with triplets, but that doesn’t make me small in any way.”

“Then pop ‘em!” Naruto grinned, giving his belly a quick tickle. “First, it’d be fun to say that you’d popped buttons at least once in your life, and, secondly, the kits need you to nourish them. Hey, I’m doing my part by forcing food on you, so you’re morally obliged to ingest as much as your squished stomach will allow. That being said, you’re having seconds on ramen.”

“Not hungry,” he said stubbornly.

“I will pin you down and force-feed you if it comes down to that,” Naruto said, giving him a sly sideways look. Sasuke returned it, equally sly, a hint of smirk tugging at his lips.

“Is that a threat, Uzumaki?” Sasuke asked calmly.

“Most definitely,” Naruto grinned, sliding his hands to curve around his swollen belly. He lightly licked the curve of his neck, a purr rumbling deep in his throat.

“Mmmm…” He did smirk then, squirming at the tickling sensation of his lips against his neck, the slight pressure of nipping teeth making him fidget in Naruto’s embrace. “What are the rules?”

“Rules?” Naruto asked huskily. “Let’s see…I’m going to feed you until you either give up, get a tummy-ache, or start popping buttons---and seeing as there is no such thing as giving up for an Uchiha, I can only guess that there’ll be some definite button-popping going on this afternoon. Secondly, you’re going to have to share, because there’s a hell of a lot of ramen in that cupboard, and noodles always taste best when licked off someone tasty…and thirdly…you can squirm and fight all you want. I will feed my kits, whether or not you decide to interfere with the food chain.”

Sasuke smirked again, twitchily. “Question one: what flavor of ramen?”

Naruto licked his lips in greedy anticipation. “All of ‘em and then some.”

“Question two: are you serious about the button-popping? That’s a lot of ramen.”

“Completely serious. And it’s about five bowls---you think you’re the only one who’s popped buttons? I’ve never been pregnant, but I do love my ramen.”

“Question three: can I give up beforehand?”

“Out of the question,” Naruto grinned impishly. “C’mon, we’ve got three minutes to make out before the ramen’s ready, and I plan to take advantage of every second…”

So the time before the baby-shower was spent pleasantly enough. Sasuke had his second serving of ramen (eventually), and Naruto enjoyed his victory (almost as much as Sasuke enjoyed his defeat). Seated on the couch an hour later---mending his pants, which had lost two buttons due to Naruto’s enthusiastic force-feeding---Sasuke was both exceedingly full and extremely contented. Naruto lounged on the floor at his feet in nothing but his boxers and an air of perfect serenity. His stomach bulged, bloated with the ramen he had shared with his mate, and he poked at the pliant, tattooed flesh with a grin.

“Hey, I kinda look pregnant, too,” he said, to which Sasuke snorted.

“Fox, you look fat. I’m the pregnant one.”

“Mmm, we can fix that,” Naruto said with a broad smile that bore fangs. “It’s my turn next time, right?”

“Next time?” Sasuke echoed, blinking down at him past his sewing.

“Next time,” Naruto agreed cheerfully. “’One child’s not a clan’---you said that yourself…even if it’s three kids instead of one. I love kids so much. ‘Specially when they’re my kids---and you’re kinda getting tired of being pregnant, right? It’s only fair that we share the burden.”

“You’d…want to carry my baby?” Sasuke asked.

“You’re carrying three of mine.” Naruto pointed out. “And I wouldn’t mind it. I’d probably not have as much…you know, problems. Maybe it’d be best if I carried the next litter.”

Sasuke set down his pants, focusing the blond in an inquisitive look.

“Dobe…you really do love me, don’t you?” He asked, more than a little wonder in his voice. Naruto smiled that golden smile of his, his blue eyes warm.

“Yeah,” he said, reaching up and giving his thigh a soft rub. “I have for a while, I think, and creative ramen meals and tummy-rubs are just makin’ me love you more.”

“I don’t know how much I deserve it,” Sasuke admitted, looking down at his sewing, tugging the last stitch on one of the buttons with a sigh. “I’ve under-appreciated you. I’m grabby---took your love for granted, took advantage of you to get myself pregnant---I’m cranky, I’ve got a bad temper, and I don’t thank you for anything, especially not the little things. Dammit, I don’t deserve to be your mate. I don’t deserve to have you laying there…smiling at me…and acting like you don’t care…”

“You’re unexpectedly talkative,” the kyuubi-boy commented, trailing his hand down his knee, letting it drop down to rest lazily on his seal-tattooed stomach.

“If you don’t want me to talk, I won’t,” Sasuke said stiffly, miffed that his particularly open conversation had been derailed.

“Of course I want you to talk! I love it when you get it into your head that talking to me is a good idea---not that that’s, like, ever, but I’m still very cool with it! Look, it’s not that I don’t care,” Naruto murmured. “I do care. I care a lot about how you do/don’t love me, and how you do/don’t show it.”

“I’m trying to get better at it,” Sasuke said softly. “I’m trying…to become more vocal. To communicate.”

“But it’s hard,” Naruto agreed with equal softness. “It’s easier to just scowl like you do, or smile like me. The other emotions are so much more difficult.”

“But you understand, don’t you? I---“ he scowled down at his sewing, tossing it to the side. He winced a little, bracing his back and stretching out so as to better settle his ramen-and-baby swollen belly. “---I’m trying to make this work between us.”

“You know what?” Naruto whispered, his smile widening. “Me too.”

And there was a knock at the door.

The two looked at each other, confused for a long moment, until the realization that their ramen fiasco had taken up most of the mid-morning, which meant that there was a baby shower to be had and guests outside the door.

“Shit. The baby shower!” Naruto gasped, sitting up. He looked around wildly, getting to his feet and stumbling over the coffee table in an effort to launch himself in three different directions at once. “My clothes---where did we throw them? Shit, shit, shit---“

“Check the microwave. I think you threw your pants on top of it,” Sasuke said calmly, cutting the thread with his teeth and quickly jerking his pants on. Naruto ran wildly around the house, gathering articles of clothing---his vest, undershirt, pants, jacket, headband, and sandals in the myriad of places they’d been flung.

“Okay,” he said, clear desperation in his wide blue eyes. “O-okay, I’m going to crawl out on the roof, go outside, and come back in through the front door. They won’t know I’ve been here, then---solid plan. Okay!” Naruto pitched himself out the window with a brief and cheerful wave over his shoulder to his mate.

Sasuke sighed, buttoned his pants---that took effort; he had to suck in his stomach to even get near being able to button them---and then waddled to the door, opening it and attempting to look surprised at the group of fellow ninja grinning at him from the other side.

“Surprise!” Sakura cried cheerfully, shoving a merrily wrapped pink box at him. “We’re giving you a baby shower, Sasuke-kun!”

“Oh,” Sasuke said flatly, a vein pulsing at his forehead. “Goody.”

*

Like every aspect of ninja battle, the baby shower had a definite arrangement: the women and slightly-less-than-straight men grouped around Sasuke en masse, laughing and talking and generally bugging the hell out of the Uchiha. He was trying his best to be patient and answer questions---personal questions that only a woman would ask, such as whether or not cramps in his legs were bothering him, what he was using on his stretch marks, and a million other questions that Sasuke was less than inclined to answer.

The straight men that had been dragged in by their ever-so-loving wives and girlfriends sat in a sulky corner of the room, goggling slightly at their former comrade in masculinity. They acted more or less as if they were afraid his pregnancy was infectious. Naruto---though neither completely straight nor completely uninvolved with the pregnant man in question---sat with the sulky men because it gave him a needed pretext to sit and stare at Sasuke. Hell, it wasn’t odd at all, seeing as every other man there was doing the same exact thing.

Sasuke was faring better than Naruto had thought he would. He was calling up pieces of his Satori persona---her false patience, if nothing else---and using them to survive his cruel and somewhat unusual torture. Naruto watched him with a keen eye, smiling absently at his mate, and wished that he could curl up next to Sasuke and put his arms around him. He wanted to reek his enthusiasm and pride to anyone who would look at them straight. But Sasuke…Sasuke didn’t want that. Not now at least; it was obviously too much to beg his village to swallow it all in one go---his pregnancy was one thing, but the unlikely father was another thing altogether. Naruto didn’t particularly like that, but he would honor it still.

He was jerked out of his train of thought by a gentle tap on his shoulder---a familiar bespectacled bookstore owner grinned at him, setting a present in his lap.

“Hey, Naruto-kun,” Aido said cheerfully. “Fancy seeing you here.”

“Same to you,” Naruto grinned back. “What are you doing here? Other than---you know---celebrating babies with Sasuke.”

“My cousin invited me,” she said. “I…aw, hell, I guess the mission’s over since you two are back in the village. He, uh…well, long story short, my cousin, Umino Iruka, asked me to watch over you two when you were in my village. It was supposed to be quiet---sorry if it caused you any inconvenience.”

“Iruka-sensei?” Naruto blinked. “Iruka-sensei knows about Sasuke’s babies?”

“Er---yes---I think Hatake Kakashi told him…” She blushed lightly. “You…know how those sort of things go…”

“Yeah, I know,” Naruto grinned. “Tell Iruka-sensei hi for me if I don’t get a hold of him in all this mess…”

She smiled and trailed off to go talk to her favorite cousin---Naruto heard them having a light argument about Aido needing to settle down with a nice man, to which she growled something about him needing to settle down with a nice man who was not considered clinically insane in three different nations---and Naruto was left to sigh again at his poor, poor mate.

Sasuke needed a hug somewhat desperately. He was trying to keep himself together, but one could only take so many tummy-pets and sickeningly cute coos thrown in his general direction before snapping. He was beet-red with mortification---Ino had innocently asked him how his arousal had changed with pregnancy---and his fingers twitched with the need to throw shuriken. Sasuke had one arm wrapped around his stomach in an attempt to protect his babies from the pokes and glances, and he was two steps short from awakening Sharingan again---there was a deep red gleam to his eyes, strengthening and brightening by the second.

If he did end up coming out with Sharingan and/or sharp and potentially lethal objects, Naruto knew he’d have to intercede.

It came to a head when Temari asked the Million Dollar Question of the afternoon.

“So, who’s the---er---other parent?” Temari asked, curious and flustered at the same time. She couldn’t quite figure out which terminology went where, seeing as Sasuke certainly looked female enough, but he still had that silky-low voice. But he was the one toting around someone’s spawn, so she could only assume that there was a father. Another father. Much as that hurt her head to think about.

Ah, the moment of truth. Sasuke saw Naruto stiffen, saw his hands knot together as he turned to walk away. He didn’t want to hear the lie Sasuke would undoubtedly cook up, and he didn’t want to have to deal with being denied what he wanted once again. Sakura just huffed a small sigh, her eyes darkening---she didn’t like it either. If they were going to be together, that irritated look on her pretty face said, why wouldn’t they just be together? Was Uchiha pride so important that it meant more than their relationship?

Sasuke looked at the curious group hovering about him---Ino, Chouji, Shikamaru, Lee, Sakura, Aido, Kiba, Neji, Hinata, Temari, Gaara, Kakashi, Iruka, Tsunade…everyone and then some. They all had a gently prodding look to them, eagerly awaiting the juicy morsel of his answer…and Sasuke sighed.

The dobe better appreciate this, he decided grimly. This all but kills my dignity as an Uchiha, but I’m sick and tired of dancing around with this…

“Naruto,” Sasuke said calmly, evenly. “Uzumaki Naruto is the father.”

Sasuke had not known that an apartment full of so many people could be so very silent. He could have heard an acupuncture pin drop; he swore that they weren’t even breathing. Shikamaru actually passed out after a moment or two of wavering, and his girlfriend didn’t even make a move to catch him. Fainted at the mere idea of Sasuke and Naruto in a sexual relationship, hitting the floor with a thump that nobody really heard; they were far too engrossed with staring at Sasuke with expressions varying from Smug to Slack-Jawed.

“Come again?” Neji said, as composedly as possible.

“He knocked me up,” Sasuke explained shortly, jerking a thumb in Naruto’s general direction. Naruto winced visibly as many pairs of burning eyes focused in on him, shock and horror possibly the lightest of their emotions.

“It was consensual!” Naruto said in self-defense, sweatdropping. “Er…kinda, at least. Sasuke, help me out here before they start throwing sharp objects…”

“Naruto is the father of my triplets,” he said, shrugging. “I intend to live with him from here on out. Anyone who has a complaint may lodge it now, with the assurance that I really don’t give a damn. I happen to love the idiot, and not much can be done to dissuade me at this point.”

“Oh,” said Hinata, the first to really speak. Leave it to her; she was the one married to her first cousin… “I always thought you two would realize that it was meant to be. Good for you, Naruto-kun!”

“T-thank you, Hinata-chan,” Naruto stammered, somewhat surprised that he hadn’t been lynched yet, ninja-style.

Another long, awkward silence. Like at the sight of some kind of ungodly massacre, nobody seemed terribly inclined to speak.

“Do you love him?” Gaara finally asked Sasuke, and if he hadn’t known better, Sasuke would have thought that the Kazekage looked somewhat jealous, lips turned down into a tight expression of irritation. Leave it to Gaara to want Uzumaki babies, too…

“Yes,” Sasuke said, proud and unruffled. “I do.”

“Are you happy together?” Gaara continued coldly, focusing his kohl-lined eyes on the very pregnant Uchiha heir.

“Yes,” Naruto and Sasuke replied immediately---dysfunctional but happy, as happy as either of them could ever admit to being.

“Then I deem this a healthy relationship,” Gaara said with all the power vested in him as Kazekage, folding his arms and stepping imperiously over Shikamaru’s inert form as he left. “On with the festivities.”

And so, tentatively, the conversations started up again. People sort of skirted Naruto for a bit---which was just as well; he was staring off into space, face slack, more than likely having a quick conversation with the Kyuubi about the ramifications of his new position as The Guy Who Knocked Sasuke Up. Sasuke eventually sidled up to him, ignoring looks as he purposefully kissed his whiskered cheek. This startled him out of his thoughts.

“Sasuke,” he half-hissed, half-whispered. “’The hell was that?”

“Later,” Sasuke said dismissively. “For now, entertain the guests and keep them the hell away from me. I’ve had it up to here with this whole fiasco.”

Naruto dutifully made his rounds---it was nice to have all the ninja in one place, so that he could discuss the coming mission with some, arrange people to check in on Sasuke while he was gone, and generally assure everyone that he hadn’t forced Sasuke into anything. It was quite the other way around, really, although Naruto had ended up willing enough to act as friend, lover, and father. During his conversation with Hinata---in which he thanked her for openly supporting their somewhat unorthodox relationship---Chouji came by, hovering shyly for a moment before daring to butt in.

“Er, Naruto?” Chouji interrupted, looking distracted and somewhat nervous. “Could I talk to you for a sec? Um…alone, maybe?”

“Sure,” Naruto said, bowing slightly to Hinata. “’scuse us, Hinata-chan.”

“Congratulations again, Naruto-kun,” she said with a peaceful little smile before leaving to find her husband. Naruto turned to Chouji with an inviting grin, curious as to why the bigger man seemed so uneasy.

“So, what do you wanna talk about, Chouji? If it’s about Ino, I can’t help you there, man---I’m no good with chicks. Worse than Shikamaru, even.”

“It is about Ino,” Chouji admitted, looking down. “Er…I know this is---well, it’s kinda personal, but…could you possibly teach me Sexy-no-jutsu?”

Naruto gave Chouji a critical lookdown---six feet and around two hundred and seventy pounds worth of ninja, with a pleasantly round, apple-cheeked and permanently smiling face. He envisioned what Chouji’s Sexy-no-jutsu form might look like, blanched, and thought better of it. He had a feeling that Chouji’s Sexy-no-jutsu form wouldn’t have the same effect as his, unless the victim was into curves. A lot of curves.

“Uh, can I ask why?” Naruto asked, creasing a bemused smile at his childhood friend. He rubbed nervously at one plump cheek, evasive.

“Look…I’d rather you not, you know, spread this around or anything, but Ino and I…we’ve been…trying.”

“Trying?” Naruto repeated, oblivious. Then, at the dire look on Chouji’s face, it sort of snapped into place. “Oh---trying to get pregnant. Right. Got you.”

Chouji’s expression folded, pained in a way that made Naruto’s stomach knot.

“Female ninja have trouble conceiving, usually. Our ‘profession’ calls them to be very, very fit---so much so that they lose most of their body fat, and when a woman’s body fat goes below a certain point, she can’t keep her bleeding cycles going.”

“Amenorrhea,” Naruto said, shaking his head.

“How’d you know that that’s the term for it?”

“When Sakura-chan first started training with Tsunade-hag, she talked medic-lingo in her sleep,” Naruto said, laughing inwardly at the memory of being woken up by his teammate screaming “HYPOTHALAMUS! HYPOTHALAMUS! AMYGDALA!” at the top of her lungs. The first couple of weeks with Tsunade had been rough. “Anyway, go on.”

Chouji sighed, running a hand through his choppy hair.

“Ino…Ino’s really tried hard, but she’s miscarried twice, now, and I can’t stand seeing her like this, Naruto. It’s tearing her apart that she can’t keep a baby to term. So I was thinking that if I could---if I could learn Sexy-no-jutsu, maybe I could carry a baby for Ino like Sasuke is doing for you. It’s not like anyone would notice; I’m fat as is, and I work at the flower shop almost every day, so missions aren’t an issue. I want to do this for her.”

“Wow,” Naruto said wholeheartedly, and then again, “Wow. Chouji…dude, you are the single coolest guy ever. You Akimichis really are the ninja with the biggest hearts. Of course I’ll teach you Sasuke’s version of Sexy-no-jutsu if you’re going to use it for that, but, um…I don’t know if it’ll work for you and Ino. It was okay for us ‘cause Sasuke and I are both guys, and…” he gesticulated vaguely, embarrassed. “….and Ino doesn’t have the right, uh, parts to make babies with a chick.”

“Oh,” said Chouji, and had the decency to blush a bit. “So you don’t know about that jutsu?”

“That jutsu?” he echoed. “What do you mean by ‘that jutsu’?”

“Er…a couple years back, Sakura and Ino made up a jutsu that’s---er---the opposite of Sexy-no-jutsu, more or less. They claim it’s so they can take up missions where they’d need to function as the other sex, but I’m pretty sure they did it just so they could sneak peeks at Sasuke in the baths. Don’t hold it against them…girls will be girls.”

Naruto grinned, sighing in mock exasperation. “Makes me glad my girl’s a guy. So I guess that solves that problem, Chouji. If you and Ino don’t mind a role reversal in your marriage, I say more power to ya. Sexy-no-jutsu’s an easy enough technique---I even taught it to an eight-year-old once. We can start on it tomorrow, and it won’t take any more than a couple hours, so you could even try it out tomorrow night if you wanna.”

“Uh, yeah,” Chouji said, his blush deepening. “Thanks, Naruto. I mean it.”

“I really hope it works for you, big guy,” the kyuubi-boy grinned, clapping him on the shoulder. “And if it does, that means Sasuke and I get to inflict an incredibly painful baby shower on you, too, for this whole fiasco.”

“I’ll look forward to it,” Chouji grinned back. “I’m gonna go tell Ino. Don’t be surprised if she descends on you with kisses later on.”

“Heh, yet another thing that’ll piss Sasuke off. Awesome. I’m not getting back into his bed anytime this month…”

Ever the popular one, it wasn’t any more than five minutes later than he was thrown into another awkward conversation, this one with Hyuuga Neji.

“My wife asked me to deliver our shower gift personally,” he said by way of greeting. Naruto hesitantly replied to that with a small “alriiiiight…” afraid of the implications.

Much to his surprise, Neji reached into his weapons pouch and pulled out a tiny striped kitten. He handed it to Naruto with surprising gentleness, watching with a blank expression as the little baby attempted to suckle on Naruto’s pinky, mewling piteously.

“A kitten,” Naruto said dubiously, blinking at the ball of striped gray fur. It fit perfectly into the palm of his hand. “That’s…original.”

“My uncle bestowed a similar gift on me when he learned that my wife---“ My wife this, my wife that---Neji was surprisingly possessive of Hinata. “---was with child. That kitten is only three weeks old---on all accounts far too young to be taken from its mother. It still suckles milk, and cannot survive on its own. I think you’ll find that caring for such a kitten is apt training for caring for your own children. It requires much of the same kinds of attention, though it is smaller and quieter than its human counterpart.”

Naruto stared at the kitten---it stared back with milky eyes---and then grinned at Neji. The Hyuuga, as per his personality, did not grin back. He simply bowed and excused himself so that he could gather up his family and leave.

Naruto found Sasuke on the couch---his feet propped up as Sakura and Ino hovered and twittered at him about keeping off his feet---and he set the kitten on the mound of his belly, relishing in the Uchiha’s expression of mute shock.

“A cat?” Sasuke wondered uncertainly as the kitten toddled around on his abdomen, squeaking. It tumbled off his stomach and sprawled on his chest with an injured mewl, and he picked it up carefully.

“We’ve got a new pet,” Naruto said. “Courtesy of the Hyuuga clan. Who knew that Neji has a soft spot for kittens, eh?”

The party wound down soon after that---much to Sasuke’s relief; he was quite done with being poked at and giggled over---which left Sasuke and Naruto to clean up the mess, make a general amount of sense about all the strange and wondrous gifts they’d been given (a.k.a., squee over all the heinously cute things they’d gotten for the triplets; Naruto did this while Sasuke glowered), feed their new pet, and wonder over ‘what now’. Since the cat was officially out of the bag, they no longer had to keep up their loose pretext of separation. This meant that Naruto could move in and share a bed with his mate without feeling the least bit guilty about it. Naruto quailed for a bit---unsure that this was good for their relationship, too much too soon and all that nonsense---until Sasuke muttered something about their relationship having started out shittily, and sharing a futon would make it better. He then proceeded to drag Naruto to bed, and he wasn’t met with very much resistance.

Naruto stripped to his boxers for the second time that day, crawling into bed next to his mate and spooning unabashedly. He rubbed his back for a bit---still worrying over stressed muscles---but finally sighed, bringing back the subject Sasuke had skirted earlier.

“Sasuke, ‘the hell did you do that for?” Naruto demanded. “I thought that you wanted them all to think you were still all buff and manly and super-straight!”

Sasuke snuggled closer---and Naruto decided to make snuggle-slut a permanent pet name---settling his cheek against his chest.

“I found myself wondering who I was protecting,” he said quietly, his breath warm against his chest. “At first I thought I was protecting you from their judgment, then I thought I was protecting myself and my reputation as an Uchiha, and then I thought I was protecting the babies. But…I realized that protecting the babies from you is the last thing I need. I need your help with them. Three kids by myself…”

“Our three kids. You and me. Together. Don’t ever think that I’ll leave you.”

Sasuke’s round belly pressed gently against Naruto’s hip. He half-turned over so that his leg stretched over his thighs, rolling so that he more than half laid on the blond without applying much weight.

“So, still serious about taking your turn next?” Sasuke asked with amusement husking his tone.

“After that baby shower from hell?” Naruto said, rolling his eyes and petting his dark hair. “Hell no. Unless you can somehow promise me that nobody will throw me a baby shower, I’m not getting pregnant any time soon.”

“Mmm, thought so,” he said, and slid his hand to gently caress his flat stomach. “I like you best as dominant, anyhow. Thought I’d never accept someone as topping me, but sometimes it’s…refreshing not being the strongest.”

“Is this one of those times?” Naruto asked brightly, trailing a finger down the pale curve of his bare shoulder. “’Cause if it is, I am very much okay with being a refreshing topper, my dear sweet snuggle-slut.”

“’M tired…” Sasuke murmured. “…can we just sleep tonight? The council of elders will undoubtedly call me up tomorrow to bitch at me for reproducing with the Kyuubi no Youko…despite not having fox babies inside me…besides, I’m still stuffed from our energetic lunch…not really up to anything vigorous…”

“Yeah…okay, sure…” Naruto said, kissing the top of his head as he heard Sasuke’s breathing deepen and slow. He really was exhausted then, to fall asleep so quickly. He usually had a habit of waiting until Naruto was asleep before making his own way to dreamland---he was unable to rest not knowing that everything and everyone was in their place. Ninja genius perfectionism bled into everything.

Dammit, Kyuubi muttered, curling up with all his tails around him, harrumphing a loud and irritated sigh. So close to mounting him twice in one day. Better luck next time, I suppose…though he seems much more willing now to let us lick that belly of his. We just might get our mate in our arms more often now, huh?

I’m happy enough just like this, Naruto thought back, smiling lazily.

You are easily amused, brat.

Mmmm, yes. Yes, I am. I’m happy enough snuggling with my mate and kitlets…we’re--- Naruto paused as he felt a ripple of movement against his side, light kicks fluttering in Sasuke’s belly. He sighed, rolling over and cupping his stomach. Oh man, they’re awake…

You’d best do something, the Kyuubi said, cracking open one crimson eye to glare at the inner landscape of his host’s head. The bitch has had a long day---I doubt he needs your energetic kits keeping him up all night on top of everything else.

“Hush, kits,” Naruto whispered, passing a gentle hand over Sasuke’s stomach. “C’mon little guys, don’t wake up your mommy. He needs as much sleep as he can get right now, ‘cause taking care of you three is hard work. Just relax…no more kicks…sleepy, sleeeeeepy kits…”

Sasuke, awake and amused by Naruto’s whispering, suppressed the urge to smirk as one of the babies kicked against Naruto’s hand, hard, as if to say whatever, dad. We don’t want to go to bed yet! Not even born and already rebellious. They’d be a handful, undoubtedly.

“C’mon, guys…don’t wake up mom. He’ll be pissed off…fine, fine, what about a song? I’m not so good at singing, but I’ll do it my way. Just relax and listen to daddy, ‘kay?”

It wasn’t a song. Not really. It wasn’t very human, even---it was probably something sort of absorbed from the Kyuubi, a bleed-through the seal that might have calmed down Naruto himself when he was a baby and alone in a village that saw him as a monster…

It was an odd sound, half purr, half growl, and it was loosely musical---primal and rough, but still with a strange rhythm to it. The deep cadency and throaty reverberations hummed against Sasuke’s skin, and he found his own breathing deepening as the babies slowed, lulled by the strange vibrations and gentle rocking. Dimly, Sasuke sighed, suddenly warm with content. Not ninjutsu, not genjutsu…he felt no chakra generating it, so it was---it was something purely Naruto’s, natural to him…

Is this a kyuubi lullaby?

Naruto pressed a tender kiss to his navel, sighing and laying back down next to him. He draped an arm around his waist, snuggling so that their cheeks lightly touched. The after-ripples of that husky rumble buzzed through their contact, tickling a bit.

“G’night my little kitlets,” he said softly, stroking his belly. “Sleep well and let mom sleep in, will you? I’ll get up early and make a special breakfast for you three if you don’t get him up before nine. Deal?” One of the babies kicked softly, as if secretively sealing the deal with dad. “And I’ll get some more ice cream for you guys, too. Don’t tell mom. Just pester him until he gives you some.”

“Get me green tea ice cream,” Sasuke added sleepily, and kissed his cheek. “And I’ll pretend to be surprised.”

“Bastard,” Naruto grinned, kissing him back. “Feigning sleep.”

“Thanks for the lullaby, dobe,” Sasuke whispered. He yawned. “It put them to sleep…and me too, almost…”

“Then sleep, idiot,” Naruto advised wisely, purring. “Sweet dreams and all that maudlin shit.”

“Same to you, moron,” Sasuke mumbled back. “Same to you.”