Square the circle
folder
Naruto › Yaoi - Male/Male › Kakashi/Iruka
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
12
Views:
2,175
Reviews:
87
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
Naruto › Yaoi - Male/Male › Kakashi/Iruka
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
12
Views:
2,175
Reviews:
87
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own Naruto, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Regret
AN: Thank you my lovely reviewers! And readers. I think I should give up and stop giving titles to chapters.
Reno's_Lover: Well that's good :)
trabeck: Here is the update :) I'm really glad that you loved it.
Hestia: Don't loose your hope just yet ^^
Andi-chan: Thanks, beta is on her way ^^
Hello: Yeah, that could be one explanation
hina88: Iruka is too yummy!
ALD: *smirking happily* thank you.
Yet another chapter beta'd by Juxtathought. Thank you.
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The days went by. They dragged past, and Iruka didn't even notice them. He taught at the academy every working day, but he wasn't really there. He didn't feel like he was there at all. He didn't feel like he was alive. He was like a zombie that just existed, without feeling, without life. Iruka didn't see his friends anymore; he didn't want anyone's company. His friends came to see him a few times, but he told them to go away. Not in such a rude manner, of course. Still…
They didn't give up easily, but after a few tries, they understood to leave him alone. He really didn't feel like talking to anyone. A couple of times, he had tried to approach Kakashi's apartment, but he never quite managed it. He didn't know what to tell the man. What had happened between him and Inuzuka Hana had been an accident. He hadn't planned it. But he would be lying if he said he hadn't felt anything, that he hadn't enjoyed it.
He had a history with Hana, which made things even worse. There was still some heat between them, and they would always have those memories of amazing sex. He couldn't deny that. If there was something he could do to make it all go away, he would do it without hesitation, whatever it was. But there wasn't anything. He missed Kakashi. He didn't want anyone else but him. He loved Kakashi. Before, he had been too afraid to admit it, even to himself, but there was no denying it. He really loved Kakashi. And now he had hurt the jounin so much that he was afraid Kakashi would never want to see him again.
It had been two weeks since he last saw Kakashi. Since the kiss with Hana. He knew he had broken an unspoken rule; he had broken something that could never be fixed—and that was trust. It could be glued back together, but it would never be quite the same. The seams would crack and split, leak and break. Nothing could ever be the same again. If he could change just one thing in his life, it would be that fleeting moment when he had answered Hana's kiss. That split of a moment that had changed everything. That one decision to kiss Hana back. How can such a short event ruin everything?
The days weren't so bad. They dragged by and life around Iruka went on. During the day, he went through his routines without thinking, without feeling. The night time was the worst, when all the hurt and pain came back. Often he just laid on his bed and cried. Cried for the one moment he couldn't make undone. Cried for the lost love. He cried until he ran out of tears. Then he just laid on his bed, hurting and ceasing to exist.
Some nights he wanted to just give up. Then he became cynical. Then he thought that maybe he was meant to be alone. At least then he wouldn't hurt anyone, and he wouldn't get hurt. What was the point? After all, the high of falling in love turned so quickly to gray reality. They would numb themselves to everyday life, slowly forgetting all the romantic and tender stuff. They would grow into each other. Get so used to one another that they would take each other for granted. They would grow selfish and start to argue, or they would start looking for the next rush with someone else, still so accustomed to the other that they wouldn't want to let the other one go. Living double lives, hurting themselves and each other.
Then he could try to cling to those feelings he had the first time kissed him. He knew those feelings would never be gone, they would just be suppressed by everyday life. He knew he could pull those feelings back to the surface, but to what end? He would crave for romance, for touch. He would try to get him to give them to him, but it would be in vain. In the end he would grow bitter and either leave or settle for the numbness before they slowly started hating the other. There really was no happily ever after in real life. So sad but true. Maybe it was for the best that they separated this way. At least, now it hurt, now it really hurt. This way he could feel the passion and the pain. This way he could say that he loved him.
No, he couldn't really believe any of that. There was no way this was for the best. No, this was for the worst. He had hurt the one and only person in his life that he wished to be with. Naruto managed on his own, he had other people now. Iruka wanted to have a life with Kakashi.
He was being selfish. He had brooded in his own misery, feeling sorry for himself, complaining about the pain, dwelling in the sadness of loosing someone he loved when he should have hated himself for what he had done to Kakashi. He should have been worried about Kakashi and wondering how he was doing. He really should have been wondering what he could do to make it up to Kakashi. How he could make him feel better. What ever it would take, he would do it. He would do it just to make Kakashi feel better.
Iruka felt like his eyes had just opened. He would slowly fade away if he did nothing. He should meet Kakashi. He should try to do something—anything. He should talk to Kakashi and ask him what he could do to make it up to him. He had to see Kakashi even if he just told Iruka to go away and stay away from him. If Kakashi wanted it, he would do it, what ever it was. Life was too short, especially for a ninja, to waste. He had to at least try.
Iruka went to Kakashi's apartment. Three times, he almost turned back on his way there. Almost. Now he was standing in front of Kakashi's door. He took a couple of deep breaths and went through in his head what he was going to say. Then he raised his hand and knocked on the door. There was no sound from inside. Iruka waited for awhile and then knocked again. Nothing. Iruka felt his resolution crumble. Kakashi wasn't home or he didn't want to open the door. He stood there for a moment, trying to decide how to proceed.
Finally, he turned around and walked away. He hadn't decided where he was going, so he just walked. He stared at the road and hung his head like he had done ever since that evening in the forest. Iruka was startled when he noticed a man standing on the road; he had almost walked into him. He lifted his gaze—it was Kakashi. He just stood there, looking at him with his blue eye that still bore no emotion.
Iruka gulped. This wasn't the way he had planned to ask Kakashi. The words stuck in his throat, he opened and closed his mouth a couple of times like a fish.
"Hi, Kakashi. I just came from your apartment," Iruka managed. There was no reaction on Kakashi's face, so he continued.
"I need to talk to you." Still no reaction.
"Would you please meet with me, talk with me?" Iruka pleaded.
"If only for this one time, would you please meet me?" Kakashi stared at him for a moment, evaluating. Maybe it was the puppy dog expression on Iruka's face that made Kakashi answer.
"I'll come to your place tomorrow. At six. But I can't promise anything," Kakashi said coldly, then he walked past Iruka without looking at him.
Well, that went well, thought Iruka. At least Kakashi agreed to meet with me. Iruka hurried to his apartment. He would have to clean up before tomorrow. As soon as he arrived and took his shoes off, he started fussing around, gathering stuff, and stacking magazines into neat piles and so on.
Kakashi had looked good. He had looked well. That meant Kakashi hadn't lost his appetite or sleep. Which is good of course, thought Iruka. Still, it stung a bit. Iruka knew he looked like hell. He hadn't taken care of himself because he really didn't care. Under all that self-pity and selfishness, he really didn't care about himself. He cared about Kakashi. The reason why it really hurt so badly wasn't because he had lost Kakashi, but because he had hurt him. He had done wrong and he knew it. He had no right to feel bad for himself and he didn't. He felt bad for Kakashi.
The problem was convincing Kakashi to believe him. He could try to explain what the kiss had been about, but he didn't know himself. Was it just a primal instinct to kiss a beautiful girl who fell into his arms? Or had he done it out of old habit? He didn't want a relationship with Hana, that's for sure. And he didn't want sex with her; well, not anymore than any normal, healthy man wanted sex with a woman, that is.
More than anything, he didn’t want to hurt Kakashi. Maybe he just hadn't been sure whether he wanted a serious relationship with Kakashi or not. Now he wanted it. Yes, he wanted it more than anything else. But back then?
Oh, this was no use. It was like trying to square the circle. He couldn't explain it to himself, so how could he explain it to Kakashi? How could he make the jounin understand how much he regretted it?
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REVIEW!
Reno's_Lover: Well that's good :)
trabeck: Here is the update :) I'm really glad that you loved it.
Hestia: Don't loose your hope just yet ^^
Andi-chan: Thanks, beta is on her way ^^
Hello: Yeah, that could be one explanation
hina88: Iruka is too yummy!
ALD: *smirking happily* thank you.
Yet another chapter beta'd by Juxtathought. Thank you.
-----------------------------------------------------------
The days went by. They dragged past, and Iruka didn't even notice them. He taught at the academy every working day, but he wasn't really there. He didn't feel like he was there at all. He didn't feel like he was alive. He was like a zombie that just existed, without feeling, without life. Iruka didn't see his friends anymore; he didn't want anyone's company. His friends came to see him a few times, but he told them to go away. Not in such a rude manner, of course. Still…
They didn't give up easily, but after a few tries, they understood to leave him alone. He really didn't feel like talking to anyone. A couple of times, he had tried to approach Kakashi's apartment, but he never quite managed it. He didn't know what to tell the man. What had happened between him and Inuzuka Hana had been an accident. He hadn't planned it. But he would be lying if he said he hadn't felt anything, that he hadn't enjoyed it.
He had a history with Hana, which made things even worse. There was still some heat between them, and they would always have those memories of amazing sex. He couldn't deny that. If there was something he could do to make it all go away, he would do it without hesitation, whatever it was. But there wasn't anything. He missed Kakashi. He didn't want anyone else but him. He loved Kakashi. Before, he had been too afraid to admit it, even to himself, but there was no denying it. He really loved Kakashi. And now he had hurt the jounin so much that he was afraid Kakashi would never want to see him again.
It had been two weeks since he last saw Kakashi. Since the kiss with Hana. He knew he had broken an unspoken rule; he had broken something that could never be fixed—and that was trust. It could be glued back together, but it would never be quite the same. The seams would crack and split, leak and break. Nothing could ever be the same again. If he could change just one thing in his life, it would be that fleeting moment when he had answered Hana's kiss. That split of a moment that had changed everything. That one decision to kiss Hana back. How can such a short event ruin everything?
The days weren't so bad. They dragged by and life around Iruka went on. During the day, he went through his routines without thinking, without feeling. The night time was the worst, when all the hurt and pain came back. Often he just laid on his bed and cried. Cried for the one moment he couldn't make undone. Cried for the lost love. He cried until he ran out of tears. Then he just laid on his bed, hurting and ceasing to exist.
Some nights he wanted to just give up. Then he became cynical. Then he thought that maybe he was meant to be alone. At least then he wouldn't hurt anyone, and he wouldn't get hurt. What was the point? After all, the high of falling in love turned so quickly to gray reality. They would numb themselves to everyday life, slowly forgetting all the romantic and tender stuff. They would grow into each other. Get so used to one another that they would take each other for granted. They would grow selfish and start to argue, or they would start looking for the next rush with someone else, still so accustomed to the other that they wouldn't want to let the other one go. Living double lives, hurting themselves and each other.
Then he could try to cling to those feelings he had the first time kissed him. He knew those feelings would never be gone, they would just be suppressed by everyday life. He knew he could pull those feelings back to the surface, but to what end? He would crave for romance, for touch. He would try to get him to give them to him, but it would be in vain. In the end he would grow bitter and either leave or settle for the numbness before they slowly started hating the other. There really was no happily ever after in real life. So sad but true. Maybe it was for the best that they separated this way. At least, now it hurt, now it really hurt. This way he could feel the passion and the pain. This way he could say that he loved him.
No, he couldn't really believe any of that. There was no way this was for the best. No, this was for the worst. He had hurt the one and only person in his life that he wished to be with. Naruto managed on his own, he had other people now. Iruka wanted to have a life with Kakashi.
He was being selfish. He had brooded in his own misery, feeling sorry for himself, complaining about the pain, dwelling in the sadness of loosing someone he loved when he should have hated himself for what he had done to Kakashi. He should have been worried about Kakashi and wondering how he was doing. He really should have been wondering what he could do to make it up to Kakashi. How he could make him feel better. What ever it would take, he would do it. He would do it just to make Kakashi feel better.
Iruka felt like his eyes had just opened. He would slowly fade away if he did nothing. He should meet Kakashi. He should try to do something—anything. He should talk to Kakashi and ask him what he could do to make it up to him. He had to see Kakashi even if he just told Iruka to go away and stay away from him. If Kakashi wanted it, he would do it, what ever it was. Life was too short, especially for a ninja, to waste. He had to at least try.
Iruka went to Kakashi's apartment. Three times, he almost turned back on his way there. Almost. Now he was standing in front of Kakashi's door. He took a couple of deep breaths and went through in his head what he was going to say. Then he raised his hand and knocked on the door. There was no sound from inside. Iruka waited for awhile and then knocked again. Nothing. Iruka felt his resolution crumble. Kakashi wasn't home or he didn't want to open the door. He stood there for a moment, trying to decide how to proceed.
Finally, he turned around and walked away. He hadn't decided where he was going, so he just walked. He stared at the road and hung his head like he had done ever since that evening in the forest. Iruka was startled when he noticed a man standing on the road; he had almost walked into him. He lifted his gaze—it was Kakashi. He just stood there, looking at him with his blue eye that still bore no emotion.
Iruka gulped. This wasn't the way he had planned to ask Kakashi. The words stuck in his throat, he opened and closed his mouth a couple of times like a fish.
"Hi, Kakashi. I just came from your apartment," Iruka managed. There was no reaction on Kakashi's face, so he continued.
"I need to talk to you." Still no reaction.
"Would you please meet with me, talk with me?" Iruka pleaded.
"If only for this one time, would you please meet me?" Kakashi stared at him for a moment, evaluating. Maybe it was the puppy dog expression on Iruka's face that made Kakashi answer.
"I'll come to your place tomorrow. At six. But I can't promise anything," Kakashi said coldly, then he walked past Iruka without looking at him.
Well, that went well, thought Iruka. At least Kakashi agreed to meet with me. Iruka hurried to his apartment. He would have to clean up before tomorrow. As soon as he arrived and took his shoes off, he started fussing around, gathering stuff, and stacking magazines into neat piles and so on.
Kakashi had looked good. He had looked well. That meant Kakashi hadn't lost his appetite or sleep. Which is good of course, thought Iruka. Still, it stung a bit. Iruka knew he looked like hell. He hadn't taken care of himself because he really didn't care. Under all that self-pity and selfishness, he really didn't care about himself. He cared about Kakashi. The reason why it really hurt so badly wasn't because he had lost Kakashi, but because he had hurt him. He had done wrong and he knew it. He had no right to feel bad for himself and he didn't. He felt bad for Kakashi.
The problem was convincing Kakashi to believe him. He could try to explain what the kiss had been about, but he didn't know himself. Was it just a primal instinct to kiss a beautiful girl who fell into his arms? Or had he done it out of old habit? He didn't want a relationship with Hana, that's for sure. And he didn't want sex with her; well, not anymore than any normal, healthy man wanted sex with a woman, that is.
More than anything, he didn’t want to hurt Kakashi. Maybe he just hadn't been sure whether he wanted a serious relationship with Kakashi or not. Now he wanted it. Yes, he wanted it more than anything else. But back then?
Oh, this was no use. It was like trying to square the circle. He couldn't explain it to himself, so how could he explain it to Kakashi? How could he make the jounin understand how much he regretted it?
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REVIEW!