Izumo's Problem

X.

Ibiki arrived across the street from Kurohyou’s apartment to check out the situation. Oh, this was a serious party indeed because the boys and girls were rotating four of themselves to hold a chakra shield up. Actually without a good shield, you couldn’t have a real ANBU party because that many people with that much chakra in one place freaked people out and attracted all kinds of ninjas, and that just meant trouble. You don’t party with a gang of ANBU nins unless you are good enough to be ANBU yourself or a fool looking for a beating, a fleecing, or fucking, or all three. Well, there were exceptions of course—lovers and those marked as future lovers were always welcome. If they couldn’t handle an ANBU party, they sure couldn’t handle an ANBU lover. And even those that could, often freaked the first time their lover came home covered in blood and lost in that dark place a bad mission would leave you.

Well, Izumo would be fine. Hmm, whether Kotetsu would be fine with Izumo and Kurohyou, though, that remained to be seen. And if he wasn’t, well, that might just make Izumo have second thoughts. Ah, god, sometimes he thought Danzou was right to just insist on no emotions at all. No, no, that really only solved things in the short term and made for bigger problems in the end.

Ah, fuck, he was depressing himself even more! Ibiki transported to his apartment and went into his bedroom to change out of his uniform because no one wore their uniform to a party—you couldn’t totally relax in it, try as you might.

Well, shit, he thought, looking into his closet. He’d not bothered to do wash for a long time, and he had nothing but his uniforms clean. Well, nothing that he considered wearable. He had shorts and t-shirts, but no one had seen him in either—well, probably since before he’d been captured and tortured. He couldn’t go to a party in that!

He shrugged out of his uniform, leaving only his hitai-ate on and pulled on one of his pairs of black gym shorts and a matching plain black t-shirt. This was what he usually wore to pad around the house and to sleep in. Well, even if he didn’t go to the damn party, he would at least have a drink.

Ten minutes later, he was angry with himself. Somehow he’d drunk up everything—all the beer, all the vodka, all the sake, all the scotch, all the wine--and not bothered to buy any replacements. The only damn thing to drink in the house was four bottles of scrum he’d confiscated from Miki’s squad last month. He couldn’t remember why he’d brought it home and not destroyed it. It was dangerous to keep scrum for a long time—it got even more potent.

Potent—now why did that make him think of cocks, hard cocks ready to shoot out cum all over? Because I am losing it, thought Ibiki. Years of no libido, and all the sudden, it’s back with a vengeance. Fuck, I need to just get this out of my system and get some balance. Then I can rework sexuality into my life in a controlled, acceptable manner. Fuck! Should I ask Tsunade for leave?

And knowing it was dumb and not caring, Ibiki pulled out one of the bottles of scrum and chugged down about a quarter of it. By the time he’d downed half of it, he’d gone and jacked off in his bathroom, grinning and spraying his mirror. By the time he’d finished the first bottle, he’d thrown twenty-seven kunai at his living room wall forming the outline of what looked like a pregnant bunny. Yeah, cause he wanted to fuck like a bunny. But no babies. And really after looking at Kurohyou giving it to Izumo, yeah he wanted ass, male ass, wanted to put his cock deep into a fucking tight shinobi ass.

And that was the point at which going to the party and taking the rest of his newly opened bottle of scrum and the other two bottles as well seemed like a good plan. And so he did, appearing suddenly in Kurohyou’s kitchen holding his open bottle in his right hand and the two unopened ones in the left. His sudden appearance made Tanjiro almost pass out, and Botan nearly piss himself. And Ibiki was far enough into the scrum to find that very funny. Not that he laughed—his habit of hiding all his emotions was so ingrained that even buzzed, he just chuckled a little.

“Hey, Tenzou, this scrum’s like mega-intense,” he said to the shinobi with his arm around Iruka, “you should try some.”

“Ah, no thanks, Ibiki, I’m going to take Iruka home.”

“Ah, if I had a cute chuunin like Iruka, I’d go home, too,” said Ibiki. “I need some shinobi ass.”

There was a thud as Tanjiro did pass out. And for the next few minutes, things were a bit chaotic. Ibiki sat in one of the kitchen chairs that was miraculously empty and sipped his scrum. He nodded his permission to open the two other bottles he’d brought. Tanjiro was taken into the living room away from Ibiki.

For a good while, they all conspired to keep him out of the living room. Ibiki snorted, knowing that they were trying to help Shu bag Kotetsu, a damn fool quest, but more power to the redhead if he succeeded. Bah! He wouldn’t go in there and scare off the little spikey-head chuunin. Besides there were enough people drifting in and out of the kitchen to entertain him. But annoyingly, so very annoyingly, no one he should or wanted to fucked. That was the fucking problem with being able to understand people—you could just see how it would play out, the problems, the drama, and the stupidity of it all, just for something you could do yourself with your hand for so much less fuss. And no one, no one made him feel all horny and weird like seeing that damn smile of Kurohyou’s had. No one should have a smile like that!

“Did he smile? Did you see that fucking smile of his?”

No one asked who Ibiki was talking about because, well, they’d seen it. And the story came out of what exactly had happened before Kurohyou had showed up in Torture Room 3. And they talked about the bet over exactly how long after 8 p.m. would Kurohyou show up. Tenzou had won the pool, the lucky bastard! And some of them had wagered on if he would talk or not talk and how many words . . .

The couples all went home, and the party went on. The scrum ran out around 12:30, and taking advantage of Ibiki’s good humor, a still was set up to cook up more. By the time the first batch was done at 2:00, almost all of the liquor was gone. A copy of the tape of Kurohyou fucking Izumo in Torture Room 3 had magically appeared in the VCR, and the fact that he’d done it bareback set off a huge debate on how soon was too soon to fuck bare. The licking behind the knee thing also was argued over, and by 3:30 half the nins left had stripped off their pants and were using their own knees to make various points about knee sex.

A few bets as to whether so and so could get off so and so just by touching their knee ended in failure. No one was able to make anyone do anything but laugh by touching the back of the knee.

“Ah, you’re all doing it wrong,” said Toshi, “I can do it. Here I’ll prove it on any of you!”

To Toshi’s mortification, his claim was seen as so laughable, no one even wanted to lay money on it or was willing to offer up their leg.

“Toshi, you couldn’t even get me off, playing with my third leg,” said Miki, which made everyone roar with laughter, except for Ibiki, who was now actually laughing, but not at the roaring stage yet.

It was time to rotate who had to hold the chakra shield, and a few shinobi who had to be on duty tomorrow said their farewells.

When they’d left and the four nins who’d been holding the shield had glasses of scrum, Ibiki said in the quiet, “I saw you use your Sharingan on that tape, Kakashi. You ever want to fuck me or let me have a go at you, be aware I’ll say yes. Given your Sharingan and your love of porn, well, I think we can all conclude that you are, unquestionably, Konoha’s god of sex.”

Everyone turned and stared at Kakashi, who was still sitting on the empty bookcase, which now held several empty bottles and dirty paper plates along with that lone copy of Icha, Icha Tactics. Kakashi looked stunned.

Ibiki began to laugh hysterically.

“I’m going to start making another batch of scrum,” said Toshi breaking the hushed silence that fell when Ibiki’s laughter had stopped.

At 4:30, Kakashi made Toshi come in his pants by touching the back of his leg for four minutes, thirty-two seconds. At 4:38, Kakashi left the party with Toshi, Turtle, and Ritsu, making everyone else sick with envy. Ibiki consoled them by promising to ask Kakashi about putting out a cat bowl to indicated when he was interested in playing. Not red of course—the sex god of Konoha was in a class of his own.

“Fuck if he wants ANBU pussy, cock, or ass,” said Ibiki, “I’ll give him a solid silver bowl.”

That was certainly worth raising a glass to, everyone agreed.

By 4:50, there was no need for a shield anymore as there were only four nins and Ibiki left awake in the apartment—and the three shinobi sleeping were emitting low, completely unthreatening levels of chakra. The five still awake started a poker game. By 7:15, Ibiki had cleaned them all out, and the scrum had worked its way out of his system.

At 7:22, Ibiki was back in his apartment, taking a shower and masturbating again. When he finally fell into his bed, Ibiki cursed Kurohyou and his smile, deciding he would send the little shit on a mission ASAP. Until he managed to get this libido problem under control, he didn’t want the Black Panther around. Hmmm, or well, he could just give him time off and ask Tsunade to do the same for Izumo. And he’d tell them if either of them showed their faces in ANBU headquarters, he would send Pan on a year-long mission. But hell, he was really the one that need a vacation! Yeah, he would take a vacation and try to deal with his problem, the problem that Kurohyou’s smile seemed to have awoken. And satisfied with his plan, Ibiki fell asleep.

And for the first time in years, he dreamed of having sex, lots of sex, most of it with people Ibiki knew he would never, ever have sex with. But there were enough bodies in his dream that he just might, if lucky, be able to really touch. And so when he woke up, the next day, he had quite a few names on his mental list of ninjas he should talk to about their sex lives.

But the first ninja that showed up at his door, really wasn’t someone he’d expected to be talking to, let alone seeing: Shu.

Well, shit, it looked like he wasn’t the only one with a problem.