Red

Soft rustling of cotton sheets and the soft chill you get on your skin when you lie without your cover too long was the feeling that woke Gaara up early in the morning. Kakashi had carried him to bed sometime during the night, and the doctor was lying huddled under two blankets facing Gaara. His feet sprawled outside the cocoon along with his silver hair. Gaara shivered and rubbed his hands on his cold skin, scooting closer to his dozing lover. He tugged one of the blankets from Kakashi’s grip and wrapped it around himself before he leaned down and placed a soft kiss in that silver mane.



Cold, everything seemed so cold. Like the world’s temperature had dropped several degrees. Gaara shivered again, wrapping the white sheet even tighter around himself. Something was wrong.. he didn’t know what. He was depressed for some reason. He had gotten everything he wanted, and still he felt like crying.



Why?



He had felt good for the last week. Like everything was going to be fine. He was going to be fine. He had even started to look for a job. Didn’t want to feel useless. Didn’t want to live off Kakashi. Needed some feeling of control. He knew that he probably had money somewhere.. but he hadn’t felt like seeking out the gang, his old friends.. Sasuke. Or his brother. He had a brother. It seemed so weird. He had a big brother. He felt slightly bitter.. Kankuro, was it? hadn’t even come to see him. Maybe they weren’t that close.



‘Or maybe my brother doesn’t love me? Doesn’t want me?’



Gaara didn’t ponder it for too long. It wasn’t these questions that sent chills through his soul. No.. It was something else. But what?

The answer crept over him like frozen spiders. ‘Sasuke..’ Yes, he wanted Sasuke, not just Kakashi. But Sasuke too..he wanted to get to know that dark haired enigma. That beautiful boy that had approached him on the beach only a week ago and given him the key to his inner kingdom. Now he just needed to find the lock.



A week..



It had been a whole week, and still no sign of Sasuke. Gaara swallowed the lump in his throat as he turned on the water. Adjusting the heat to almost scorching, the steam rising fast in the little bathroom clouding the mirror. Yes, that’s how he saw himself.. clouded. Like someone had put a thick fog in his mind, making it hard to think, to see.. himself. He was lost in the wilderness of his own memories. They had surfaced lately..little flashes of the past surfacing.



The meeting with Sasuke obviously having triggered something. Or maybe it was just the monster that was whispering false glimpses of his past, it was hard to tell. And he knew he needed to see Sasuke again. Not just because he needed to talk to Sasuke. No.. he needed to feel Sasuke. It was absurd and stupid, but he missed him. Even if he didn’t remember him. He missed him.



Missed his voice, missed how Sasuke had felt so familiar. Like some invisible force was seeping from Sasuke’s being and licking soothing circles on Gaara’s soul.



He sighed and hung his head, his skin starting to turn a light pink from the hot water.



He still felt cold...



Stepping out into the bathroom he wiped the mirror down with his hand, watching how the damp mist turned into tiny water droplets under his touch. Teal eyes stared into his from the trek his hand had made on the cooler surface. The eyes looked so tired.. and he decided then that he needed to find his past. Needed to fix his mind..





He walked as silently as he could into the cold bedroom and rustled through his clothes to find some clean underwear and a pair of socks when Kakashi’s soft, tired voice spoke to him from the bed. “Where are you going, love?”



“Out..”



Kakashi yawned and sat up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes before he stretched his upper body, every little muscle in his arms and his chest rippling from the action. A low purr creeping from his mouth as the kinks in his neck popped softly. One stare at the clock and he flopped back down to cuddle Gaara’s pillow, a soft “MMMmm..” drifting past his lips. “It’s only four in the morning baby, what could you possibly be wanting to do outside at this hour?”



Gaara had a hard time to stop staring. And a even harder time to stop himself from walking over to the sleepy sex god on the bed just to molest him.



“I’m just going for a long walk, I can’t sleep..”



“Oh.. do you want me to come with you koi?” A sleepy grey eye cracked open and looked at him through a veil of silver strands.



Gaara had to smile at that, the room suddenly feeling a bit warmer than it did a couple of seconds ago. “No, that’s ok love. Just sleep, ok? You have to be to work in three hours anyway.”



“A kiss before you go?”



“I’m not sure if I’ll be able to keep it to just a kiss if I come over to you now.”



Kakashi chuckled into the pillow, yawning again. “That’s ok, I probably have killer breath anyway.”



“Yeah..I can smell it all the way over here.”



“Idiot..” There was a smile laced into that word, and Gaara had to smile back.



“Love you too.”





The air outside felt refreshing, everything was so calm at this hour. The city still asleep, just the low humming of the city pulse coupling with the sploshing of waves washing over the beach could be heard over the sound of mating crickets.



So much noise, but still it felt so quiet..



Gaara shivered for what felt like the hundredth time that morning and zipped up his black hoodie, pulling the hood over his head, covering from the world around him. For a moment he contemplated on going back inside and just cuddle in bed with Kakashi, but he pushed the longing away and started to walk for the downtown. He needed to chase away this cold, and he could only do that by fixing his memories. And he was sure, that Sasuke was the only one that could help him do that.



He just needed to find them, the gang..



Even Kakashi seemed to know who they were. So surely the street trash and rats would know where the lair was. ‘Just follow the whisper of death’ It was a soft voice, barely heard over the humming of the world, but Gaara had heard it.



“Huh?”



‘Just follow the whisper of death.. feel it, hanging in the air like rotten angel feathers, making your skin crawl.’ It was his monster, that little teasing tone giving him away, but then again, who else could be hiding in his head? Gaara shut the connection. Every time he let the beast talk to him he got horrible flashes of gore and suffering. It wasn’t like it disturbed him, but it just troubled him immensely, the fact that it didn’t disturb him.



This was a bad idea and Gaara knew it.



But he let his feet take him to the bus stop, having no intentions to walk all the way downtown. Kicking up the gravel as he went, his hands shoved far down into his pockets. He was nervous, his palms were sweaty and he knew he was shaking. Feeling almost sick. He wasn’t afraid. Oh no... he knew he was welcome there. And that felt weird, and it felt even stranger that when he got there, he would be the one that knew himself the least.



“Where are you going?”Gaara whipped his head around startled and stared straight into a pair of dark brown eyes. he had never seen the boy before, but he felt somehow familiar.



“Who are you?” Gaara raised his head and stared at the stranger, crossing his arms across his chest to distance himself. He didn’t feel comfortable around this stranger. The feeling of slight panic rising when a sly grin crept across the other’s face.



“Oh.. I’m hurt little brother.” The boy made a dramatic face and clutched his chest, rolling his eyes before he grinned even wider.



‘Little brother?? What the hell?!’ Gaara frowned non-existing eyebrows, not showing his inner confusion in any other way, before he scoffed. This? Was his brother? What the hell was he doing here now? Had he been spying on him? Why?



“What the hell are you doing here.. Kankuro was it?”



“Oo..you remember my name. I’m flattered.”



“I didn’t remember, Sasuke told me.”



“Oh..” Kankuro’s smile didn’t falter, it only seemed to widen even more. And before Gaara knew it he had an armful of big brother crushing his cold bones.



Yes, this boy felt very familiar, and for some reason Gaara felt slightly annoyed by him. Like that was the feeling usually provoked from this boy. He felt annoyed, but at the same time he dearly wanted to hug the boy back.



So he did. He tentatively wrapped his arms around the solid frame and hugged back. Frowning when he felt the body pressed against his stiffen. “Gaara?” The voice sounded uncertain.

“Yeah?”



“Y-you’re hugging me..”



“Yeah....”



Kankuro nuzzled his head into the crook of Gaara’s neck and sighed. “Thanks...”



Gaara pulled back and shrugged. “I don’t usually hug you?”



That grin crept over Kankuro’s face again..”No.. just with your sand, where is your sand anyways?”



“It’s at the hospital..”



A beautiful laugh filled Gaara’s ears, and he watched how his brother shook with mirth, trying to hold back.



“Sorry, mental image..” Kankuro grinned and wrapped his arm around Gaara’s shoulder in a playful manner.



“You never answered my question.. what are you doing here?” Kankuro was stunned that Gaara didn’t push him away, didn’t threaten with bodily harm for touching him, so he didn’t answer before the red head poked him in the ribs, but he still didn’t shove him away. He let Kankuro’s arm rest on his cold shoulders.



“Did you really think we were just going to let you stay hidden from us now that we found you little brother? We have been keeping an eye on you, or... errr have had people keeping an eye on you, it’s just luck really that I volunteered today, I just got here and asked the other guy to go.”



Gaara scoffed and started walking towards the bus stop, not really knowing why, but he didn’t feel like having Kankuro close to Kakashi, and he certainly didn’t like the idea of others watching over him.



“Please don’t..”



Kankuro slipped his hand away and took a step away from Gaara, the boy had never liked intimate contact before, so maybe he didn’t like it now either. “Don’t, what Gaara?”



“Don’t have people here, I don’t like the idea of strangers looking at me, and I don’t want killers around Kakashi..”



“Oh..” Maybe it had been stupid to admit so openly that they were keeping a close eye on him. But Kankuro never was the type to beat around the bush. Why lie, when it was so much more fun to see the reactions to the truth. But he wasn’t sure he liked this reaction..



“You have to understand that we did it because we were worried about you, not to spy on your sexy ass.” Kankuro winked and gave Gaara a playful shove, delighted that sand didn’t suddenly erupt and give him pain.



“I like you without your sand.” Kankuro just mused it low, but Gaara had heard it. “Where are you headed anyways?”



“Sasuke..I was going to find Sasuke.”



“You don’t have to take the bus for that, I can drive you if you want.” Sasuke had, with very clear instructions told the gang what Gaara believed, and what they were to let Gaara keep believing. That Sasuke and Gaara were old lovers.

And somehow, Sasuke had gotten both his brother and his uncle’s support in the matter too. All three given promises of pain to anyone who let the secret slip. And Kankuro had no intention on messing with the Uchiha trio, so even if he didn’t like to deceive his own brother.

He didn’t feel like sacrificing his ass for the little shit either.



“Thanks.” He followed his brother in silence, so many questions unanswered swirling through his mind, there were so many things he wanted to ask. But somehow he couldn’t find the words to ask. He just basked in the feeling Kankuro gave him. Safe.. so safe. He felt that he had known this boy for so long.



And he was going to see Sasuke now. A little knot formed in his stomach.. A fine tremble making him realize that he was almost giddy. This was wrong.. so wrong. He wasn’t supposed to do this, and he sure as hell wasn’t supposed to long for someone else’s touch when his boyfriend was home alone sleeping in their shared bed, waiting for him to return from his walk. Oh god.. he hoped Kakashi didn’t get anxious when he didn’t come back before he went to work. He had said that he was going for a long walk.. but Gaara didn’t want Kakashi to worry.



Stretching a bit Gaara managed to pull his cell from his pocket and sent Kakashi a message that he wouldn’t be back before after Kakashi had gone to work, he felt rotten. Even if he wasn’t lying.. no, he really wasn’t. It wasn’t like he wanted to see Sasuke just to be with Sasuke. Not in that way anyway, he just wanted answers.



‘Then why don’t you just ask your brother?’



Gaara shook his head.. he didn’t want to ask his brother. He wanted to ask Sasuke, his lover.

‘Ànd there we have it *lover*..’ The monster was giggling low in the back of his head, making that creepy feeling rush over his neck, his throat, and he had to struggle not to let the monster take over his facial features. Had to struggle to keep from giggling himself. Digging his nails into his skin, the pain distracting him.



He leaned forward and cranked up the volume on Kankuro’s stereo, shutting out the mirth swallowing him.. His movements fast and slightly clumsy as he was shaking.



“Fuck.” Why was this happening again, it had been so long since had felt the monster this close to the surface, not since that girl. He glanced nervously over at Kankuro. Trying to hide his cold sweat by turning away staring at the outside world passing fast by the black tinted car window.



This felt so hopeless.. he felt like crying again. Maybe he should just tell Kankuro to turn back. “Shit..”





“You ok there little brother?” Kankuro turned down the stereo, and Gaara jumped as he brushed his shoulder, before changing the gear. Just a flicker of touch.



“I’m fine..just, can you turn up the volume again?”



“Shukaku giving you shit?”



“Yeah..”



Kankuro turned up the volume again, but it wasn’t loud enough. Gaara could still hear mocking words flow over him. And he tried to answer back, tried to say that he wasn’t going to kiss Sasuke. Wasn’t going to betray Kakashi.. he just needed to talk to him.



‘You just need to feel him?..’



‘Yes..’



‘Inside?’



‘.......’



He felt guilty conscience creep up his spine. Quietly telling himself that he would just talk to Sasuke, nothing would happen. He would just talk.. nothing else. He loved Kakashi, respected Kakashi.. wouldn’t, couldn’t cheat on Kakashi. His sweet, sexy hero Kakashi.



And even as he sat mumbling this silently to himself, trying to convince himself that these words were true, he knew he was lying. The insane giggling from his monster climbing higher and higher in volume.



‘So...you’re *just* going to talk? Is that it..? Hm.. you’re not going to press you lips softly against those silky smooth pink lips of his? You’re not going to nip and lick at his bottom lip so he will open up to you? You’re not going to comb your fingers through that silky black hair as you tilt his head back a bit, taking dominance, tasting every part of his mouth, sucking his tongue greedily into your mouth?’ Gaara cringed from the words, his body heating up from the images. Yes.. that exactly what he wanted to do...that and so much more.



He leaned forward and turned up the volume on Kankuro’s stereo, the bass so loud now it made his lungs shake with each boom. But it shut out the monster, and Gaara needed that little reprieve. He had enough with his own guilty conscience, he didn’t need that mocking voice to top it off..



Kankuro seemed to understand and didn’t complain, just shot Gaara a worried look before he ruffled his hair. Grinning again as sand didn’t erupt, and his little brother didn’t break his arm. The redhead just leaned away and straightened his hair before he turned to rest his forehead on the cold window again. A distant look in his teal eyes.