Moon's Light, Reality's Dream

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Moon's Light, Reality's Dream
月の光、うつつの夢
Chapter Nine - ディフェンスがありません (Zero Defense)

息はちゃんと出来てるのに　崩れそうになる
Even though I breathe out regularly, it seems like I’m going to crumble.

Kakashi slipped his hand along Nisei's cheek and kissed her hard, holding her face gently against his. Unrelenting anger and hatred, all of her pain and fears – he couldn’t bear knowing that he was the reason for it. He tangled his fingers in her hair as he pressed himself against her, pinning her hands to his chest, and her body to the wall. His lashes brushed softly against the tops of her cheeks. The kiss couldn’t be shared if she didn’t feel. What did she feel? She wasn’t responding to him. He breathed in against her mouth, leaving her lips swollen as he leaned back, his arms falling to his sides as he took a step away from her.

The air in the room was thick with tension, and still she said nothing. His face remained calm, almost expressionless, as he studied her. He was determined to know if she felt anything at all anymore. There had to be something inside Nisei’s heart that still functioned. Her hands balled up into fists, her face reddening with anger as those golden eyes glared up at him. The girl had been broken to begin with, but he believed that he'd found the major flaw in the defenses she'd built up around herself. He saw it coming, but chose to stand still, receiving the hard slap against the side of his face.

“Feel better?” He asked softly, watching as her eyes flashed dangerously. Without turning his head, he blocked the next slap that came towards him, keeping a firm grip on her right wrist. Heat from the previous hit spread across his cheek, burning and stinging, until he nearly felt satisfied by it. He pulled her closer, raising her right arm over his shoulder as he caught her left hand. Her back met the wall once more, and she was absolutely livid. “You’re really stubborn. I finally give you what you want and you start behaving this way…”

Teasing the girl probably wasn’t nice of him, especially during such an awkward, combative moment. She arched away from the wall, her back still sore from meeting it the first time. He was too calm to be reacting this way. Her mind whirled, wondering if he was just toying with her. It had to be some sort of sick joke. He'd hurt her badly years ago and now he was obviously trying to do it again. Why would he be different now? Too many conflicting thoughts plagued her while she tried to make up excuses for his actions.

Her voice dropped low as she angrily twisted away from him. “Let me go! I hate you!”

He laughed deeply, amused by how easily she let herself be riled. “Nisei, it was a small kiss. Don’t get carried away. It was obviously a mistake.”

“You’re damn right it was a mistake!” She tore herself away from him, pressing herself closer to the wall. To get away from him, to have a moment to think, she'd gladly will herself through it. “What the hell were you thinking? Are you just messing with me now? Is it fun?”

“I just really wanted to kiss you…” His voice became softer and softer, as the vision of Nisei blurred and the room seemed to shift oddly. The floor beneath him suddenly felt too soft and he found himself unable to maintain his balance. Her flushed face wore a look of concern as she stepped away from the wall, and gently said his name. Perhaps that one tiny moment in which Nisei didn’t seem to hate him was all he needed.

“Kakashi!” Nisei’s arms tightened around his waist, saving him from an uncomfortable fall to the floor, and she held him up. His eyes slowly blinked open, but the effort of focusing them was beyond him. The scent of flowers, and something else he couldn't quite place, invaded his senses. Despite the scary whirl of the room, he felt slightly better like this, his selfish need continuing to fester the longer he stayed close to her. He wanted to be forgiven. Kissing her had both simplified and complicated his wants, making them seem like something else. Maybe kissing Nisei was a way to ask for forgiveness, but that intention was possessed by another desire entirely.

“Gomen ne, Nisei…”

Eventually the sheer size difference between them drove them slowly to the floor. She was certain that he was unconscious when his body collapsed on her, pinning her beneath him. The gentle weight of Kakashi caused her to allow most of it to happen. An attack of vertigo at the most appropriate time, it seemed. She slid her hands softly up his back and held him tightly, trying to keep even a hint of worry from her mind. The confrontation had only changed little.

“Again…” The sudden voice drew Nisei’s eyes to the side, causing her to finally take notice of the petite pug named Pakkun, one of Kakashi’s eight ninken. She released a sigh of relief, though slightly confused as to why he was here and summoned in the first place. In any case, it had been a long while since she and the infamous tracking dog had spoken. Pakkun’s expression was always just as lazy as his master’s. “I suppose I can return, now that he has company.”

“You heard us?” She asked, peering at him over Kakashi’s shoulder. The complacent look on the dog’s face gave it away. “Sorry about that.”

Pakkun shook his head a little, his jowls flapping comically, before he let out a sigh. “He keeps pushing himself, and then crashes like this. He still reads despite the Hokage’s warnings. It makes him dizzy, so keep the books out of his reach.”

She laughed softly as she eased herself up and carefully shifted her former sensei before attempting to stand. Nisei put on quite a show for the pug as she staggered back and forth across the floor with Kakashi until she successfully reached his room. She wasn’t surprised to see that he had upgraded from a floor mat to a bed. Nisei turned to regard Pakkun, only to discover that he was already gone. With an exasperated sigh, she pulled the sheets down and settled the Jonin into his bed. The Leaf symbol was printed on his red and black sheets. Maybe he’d become less predictable.

After pulling the sheets up over his body, she found a comfortable spot on the floor, and leaned back against the wall. There was a lot of reading material to keep her busy. She reached for the book on his end table and brought her legs up, resting the volume against her thighs as she flipped through the pages. An eyebrow arched at the explicit photos on every other page, and the words to the story itself weren't much more than a jumbled mess of hentai eccentricities. Kakashi Hatake, closet pervert? Then again, he read this book out in the open, and even while teaching children. She doubted he truly cared about anyone else’s opinions.

Nisei decided that she’d wait out the two hours until it was time to administer his next dose of pills. She'd keep a close watch on him, to make sure that his sleep pattern regulated, and that his breathing calmed, before even thinking about returning to the Anbu residence. Kouki would have returned by now, anyway, and teaching her class could be tiring, especially with Ishida thinking that he could run the place. She felt a slight twinge when she thought of her students. Perhaps she missed them more than she thought she would, even if the current circumstances seemed beyond urgent in her thoughts.

She sucked her lower lip in between her teeth, and bit down hard. The tingling sensation from his kiss still hadn’t gone away

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She felt lost, as if reality had fled from her and nothing made any sense at all anymore. Vague impressions of strange conversations twisted within her mind. Just when she thought she had everything figured out, she'd open her eyes to see a different face than the one she was replying to. And exactly what had she said? There were too many questions, and too many unsettling answers.

Hitori blinked her eyes open, trying to find something to focus on, but her gaze refused to stay in one spot. Shadowy movements near the door made her tense, and the last of the fever hanging on made her entirely irrational. A hand reached for her, and in spite of the weakened condition of her body, she reacted the only way she knew how - by fighting.

As her fist made contact with something, she heard a soft, surprised sound and then everything started to spin. When her mind cleared again, she felt heavy, almost as if she was sinking into the bed she rested on. Pain burned quickly through her, then faded as her jade eyes slowly cracked open again to meet the turquoise gaze that haunted so many of her fevered dreams.

"If you're finished...?" Gaara was leaning over her, pressing her body into the bed and holding her still, his face passive as he looked down at her. He was surprised she'd been able to move at all, much less so quickly, given the amount of damage her body had taken in the last week.

The skin beneath his hands was only slightly too warm, as the medicine drove the fever out of her, and the wide, pale green eyes gazing up at him were clear for the first time since Kankurou brought her back. Satisfied that she wouldn't start thrashing around again, he released her and resettled himself in the chair beside the bed.

"I.. I'm sorry, Kazekage sama. I didn't realize..." Her voice was a whisper, every word she forced out, an effort.

"You're healing fast." His deep voice interrupted her, the sound making her shiver a little as he leaned back in his chair, crossing one leg over the other, his eyes never leaving hers. That direct gaze made her shift again, an uncomfortable feeling passing through her.

Her eyes darted almost frantically around the room, the need to escape pushing her to the edge of panic. She didn't know how or why, but being around Gaara was like breaking apart inside. Nothing, and no one, had ever made her feel anything - until him. Pain had always been a physical sensation and something easy to distance herself from. She had no defenses for an emotional onslaught, having never needed them before. It was all entirely overwhelming.

Hitori nearly jumped when Gaara leaned forward again. his fingers just brushing lightly over one of the livid purplish marks marring her arm. His eyes still held hers, and she could see that he knew she'd just been looking for an escape. He didn't say anything, but stood up slowly and walked over to the window, standing there in profile to her as he looked out over the village. Shadows moved everywhere, and she knew that it would be impossible for her to leave without his permission. What she couldn't understand was why he wouldn't give her that permission.

"I have a letter from Danzou, ordering you to remain here until I see fit to release you." He slid the folded paper from his sleeve as he turned towards her again, trying to gauge her reaction to his words. Why did he care so much? Turning back to the window, he remembered how it felt to see her laying unconscious and broken in his brother's arms. Anger, pain, worry, and the sickening sense of loss that accompanied thoughts of her possibly dying, all mixed within him in a turbulent storm, though his face never changed expression. To care like this for another person was an entirely new vulnerability.

"Hai, Kazekage sama," she answered softly, her gaze lowering to the blankets laying over her. Never before had she wanted Yomi around as much as she did right now. He would know exactly what she should do. His voice had gone oddly silent in her head, though. She was no longer surprised to find that she missed it. If she did somehow manage to leave Suna, to escape, would she miss Gaara, too? It was an unsettling thought with an even more unsettling answer.

A brilliant purple butterfly floated in through the window, circling Gaara's head once before alighting on the hand he held up. It's wings moved slowly as he walked over and sat on the edge of the chair again, leaning towards her, holding the bright insect where she couldn't avoid seeing it.

"Strange, isn't it, to see a butterfly in the desert?" His voice was soft as he contemplated the insect, it's wings mimicking flight in slow motion. It moved a little along his hand, then settled again. "You would think it wouldn't be able to survive here. That it doesn't belong." With deliberate slowness, his free hand lifted one of hers and placed it next to his, watching as the butterfly moved to settle on her slightly trembling finger.

Her eyes met his questioningly, and he smiled a little before continuing. "Everything, and everyone, has a place, even if they don't seem to fit there. Sometimes it's hard to tell where we belong." Her hand still rested lightly in his as the butterfly moved slowly, it's wings just brushing where their skin touched. "Sometimes, it's a choice we have to make."

Kankurou stood quietly in the shadows around the doorway, watching his brother with the Anbu, and frowning lightly in concentration. He felt oddly uncomfortable, as if he'd just accidentally eavesdropped on a private moment. Gaara was being so gentle with her, and Hitori looked confused, and maybe a little frightened. They made an odd picture, even if it seemed to somehow make sense.

He continued watching as the butterfly fluttered it's wings and then slowly flew out the window again. Their joined hands lowered to rest on the bed, but neither moved to break the contact, and Kankurou stepped further away from the door. Leaning against the wall, he raised one hand to his mouth, questions tumbling through his mind.

Their eyes met and held, though no words came to break the silence, and he turned away, walking back down the hallway. With all these new thoughts in his head, he couldn't even remember why he'd gone to his brother's room in the first place, besides wanting to check up on Hitori. Whatever it was, it wasn't important enough to interrupt what he'd just inadvertently seen. He'd take care of it later, if he ever remembered his original purpose.

Hitori felt almost like she was drowning in a sea of confusing emotions when her eyes locked with Gaara's. There was something oddly comforting, and strangely pleasant, about the way his hand lightly held hers, and it made her reluctant to pull away. She also refused to question that feeling, terrified of the dark, foreign place it led her thoughts to.

"If I have a place, it's in Konoha, with Anbu." Her voice was soft, but it was hers again, and even as she spoke the words, she felt the uneasiness of doubt creeping over her at hearing them. His gaze turned pointedly to the bruises on her arms, then her face, before his eyes slowly closed, his grip on her hand squeezing just a little tighter before relaxing again.

"Did you ever stop to think that maybe you have some purpose other than being Danzou's hands and eyes?" The words seemed almost bitter, carrying just a hint of emotion before he sighed softly. "You're supposed to have desires of your own. For yourself."

"I..." She trailed off, uncertain of how to answer that. The cage she'd kept locked so tightly around herself was falling apart at his words. How did it feel to want? Had she ever truly wanted anything? And then it struck her. Danzou prided himself on having erased her emotions, making her a perfect ninja, as he put it. But if the driving force of her life had been the desire to successfully complete each mission, to please her master, wasn't that an emotional response?

Gaara watched the changing expressions on her face, in her eyes, feeling her confusion. He didn't even want to imagine the methods Danzou had used to make her this way. The cruelty of other people was something he was all too familiar with. His hand released hers as he rose slowly from the chair. "Rest now, Hitori. You're still very weak. I'll come back to check on you again in a little while."

She watched him walk to the doorway, her hand still feeling the soft warmth of his. "Why are you being so kind to me?" She didn't realize she'd spoken the thought aloud until he turned, and their eyes met one last time.

"I learned a lot from being alone." His reply continued to echo in her mind long after his footsteps faded into silence.

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That's the end of this chapter! Next chapter is called, 'Recovery Phase'. Thanks for reading!