Break to Breathe

 

BREAK TO BREATHE

by Okami Rayne

Chapter Ten

Shikamaru had been seven years old when he'd watched his father soothe the panicked struggles of a wounded deer. The animal had been dying; its throat gouged by the antlers of a rivalling male. Despite the deer's instinctive struggle, it was death that the doomed creature had kicked and fought against, not the shinobi attempting to ease its pain.

Which is why when Neji jerked and twisted in Shikamaru's grip, just as fiercely as that suffering deer, the Chūnin knew it was the snare of fear and suffocation that Neji was fighting, not him.

"Neji…listen to me…Ne—!" he cut off with a grunt as the Hyūga's elbow cracked into his rib almost hard enough to snap it.

Fucking OW…

Shikamaru grit his teeth, momentarily losing his grip on the other ninja. Neji bowed forward, fisting his hands in the sheets as he hacked out another cough. Ignoring the knife-like twinge in his ribs, Shikamaru regained his balance and knelt behind the gasping Jōnin.

"Don't," he commanded, his voice surprisingly calm as he hooked his arm around Neji to tug the other ninja back against his chest. "It'll make it worse. You need to stay upright."

He winced as Neji's fingers latched onto his forearm, the slender digits grasping with strength lent from panic. Bruising, desperate. Shikamaru kept the band of his arm firm, but not crushing, which earned him another nasty jab to the ribs.

He didn't let go this time.

"Breathe…slowly, Neji…take it easy, you need to calm down…"

Neji hissed, his body arching like a branch about to snap. Cold beads of sweat glistened on the pale contours of his heaving chest, sending a shiver through the already struggling body. The grip at Shikamaru's arm tightened, turning the Hyūga's knuckles bone-white.

"S...stop…" he choked out.

Shikamaru felt a horrible pang in his own chest at sound. He raised his other hand to press his palm to Neji's brow, feeling the cold steel of the hitae-ate as he guided the Hyūga's head back against his shoulder.

"It'll stop…" Shikamaru kept his voice low and soft. "Come on…breathe through it …"

Neji clenched his eyes shut, trying to find the air to pull into his starved lungs. Shikamaru watched the Jōnin out the corner of his eye, his fingers carding back through the strands of mocha framing Neji's face, fluttering from his torn breaths.

Think, dammit.

Without instruction, Shikamaru's mind immediately recited Hinata's words.

"He's blocked vital tenketsu…the pathways linked to his lungs...and his heart…"

Resisting the urge to curse, the Nara continued to rake his fingers back through Neji's hair, trying to keep the motions smooth and calming whilst simultaneously thinking and calculating.

If he's blocked tenketsu…then there must be plugs of chakra in his chest…

Neji tried to jerk his arm free but he held fast. "Ssh."

His reserves are dry…could that be what's triggered this? His body is trying to remove those blocks to replenish chakra?

Neji shuddered violently, trying to curl over Shikamaru's arm to cough.

That strain, in this condition, could rupture his vitals…

"Easy…easy…" Shikamaru murmured, keeping the Jōnin held back against him.

Think fast.

After a moment Shikamaru began to alter his own breaths noticeably, aiming to synchronise their breathing and give the struggling Jōnin a baseline to link his fractured respiration to.

Steady, deep breaths.

Please work…

Shikamaru let his exhales fan audibly against Neji's throat, trying to coax the other ninja into a mimic.

Come on, Hyūga…come on…

He wasn't sure how much time passed, or how much harder Neji's fingers dug into his skin, but slowly, very slowly, he began to feel the lean expanse of the Jōnin's chest rise steadier against the band of his arm.

Come on…please…

Without thinking, Shikamaru pressed his lips lightly to the pulse-point just beneath the edge of Neji's jaw, feeling the erratic hammer of his heartbeat begin to slow. Neji swallowed thickly, the vice-like grip of his fingers loosening.

"Breathe…" Shikamaru slackened the tense of his arm, granting Neji more leeway and lessening what may have felt like a claustrophobic grip.

But he didn't let go.

Instead, he slid his arm back so he could press his hand to Neji's skin, right above the pounding heart steadily finding its rhythm again. He slid his mouth to Neji's temple, his voice still soft and low.

"Easy…you've got this…you're almost there…"

The strain of Neji's breaths scraped low in his pale throat but the wet, bloody rattle eased into a slower, softer rasp before finally levelling to a deeper, less sporadic sound.

"You've got it…" Shikamaru sighed in relief. "You've got it, Neji…just keep breathing…"

To his greater relief, the other ninja complied with the faintest nod that Shikamaru wouldn't have felt had Neji's head not been resting against his shoulder. The rigidity ebbed away from the Hyūga's tense muscles, subsiding into a shudder as Neji sank back against the support of Shikamaru's body, long lashes falling shut over his moon-like eyes.

"There you go…" Shikamaru soothed, his thumb tapping above Neji's chest in time to the heartbeat, encouraging the steady rhythm.

Time tunnelled to just the sound of their breathing in sync.

Shikamaru didn't seem to notice that he'd kept his mouth settled at Neji's temple, his attention fixed on the soft whisper of respiration from the Jōnin. Neji's fingers had relaxed their tourniquet-like grip on his arm, allowing for the blood to rush back in a tingle. But the Hyūga didn't drop his hand away.

"You smell…like smoke…" Neji rasped.

Shikamaru blinked, turning his head a little more to glance down at the sliver of milky iris observing him out the corner of the Hyūga's eye. A quiet laugh, breathy and relived, skittered out of Shikamaru before he could stop it.

"Man, you really are something else…"

"…You shouldn't…start…that habit…" Neji swallowed, clearing his throat.

"You're seriously lecturing me about my health after what's just happened?" Shikamaru kept his voice light, his thumb continuing to tap as he spoke his next words into the dark mane of hair. "Look, don't talk, okay? Just breathe…Relax."

Neji scoffed weakly, but it sounded more amused than belligerent. Shikamaru continued to count the Hyūga's breaths and monitor his heartbeat, until he felt the prickle of numbness setting into his legs.

Crap.

"I need to scoot us back, okay? Just keep breathing."

Thankfully, Neji offered no resistance when Shikamaru carefully shifted them so he could lean his back to the shoji wall, allowing for both of them to stretch their legs. Once settled, he readjusted the band of his arm around Neji's torso, draping it lightly.

"Alright?" Shikamaru asked, glancing down at the head tipped back against his left shoulder. Neji's eyes fluttered open, a dark brow arching. "Yeah, okay, stupid question."

Unfortunately, Shikamaru had a lot of questions; but he decided against asking them. At some point it would be necessary, but right now, what mattered was keeping Neji calm. It almost seemed paradoxical. Neji hadonce been the calmest out of the Konoha Eleven – at least in his ability to centre and compose himself. He used to be unmatched on that front.

Yeah, and I used to mind my own business…

The thought caused an uncomfortable turn in Shikamaru's stomach. To avoid thinking about it, he settled on the sane course of action. He'd find Hinata and let her carry out the solution for this problem. He'd help solve it from the sidelines, but he had no intention of taking on anything more than that. He'd offered his help, but not his direct participation in the process, just in forming the plan.

Not that anything's gone to plan so far…

Shikamaru sighed quietly, the darkness swallowing up the sound. He felt Neji go rigid and flexed his arm in response, a brief, gentle tense meant to offer some kind of reassurance. The head on his shoulder turned slightly.

"Relax…" Shikamaru whispered, his thumb tapping again; but Neji's stomach tightened beneath his hand.

Ah.

"You know," Shikamaru weighed his next words carefully, "I'm not gonna use this against you…or give you shit about it."

He knew he'd guessed accurately when he felt some of the tension ease out of the body resting against him. It wasn't difficult to assume that the Hyūga's pride was hurting. The Chūnin already knew he'd probably get a cold shoulder in the morning, or a complete absence of Neji's presence altogether.

Not for the first time, Shikamaru told himself it was a good thing.

He knew that this too, like the last time, would be added to that list of things they wouldn't talk about. Just as he knew that he'd probably wake up to find Neji gone, the grey yukata folded neatly to one side of the futon, and the shoji door left open for the light and breeze to wake him.

But when Shikamaru's eyes fluttered open early-afternoon the next day…it wasn't the light that woke him, or the breeze from a door that should have been open.

It was the unexpected quiet of a room still resting…

…and the warmth of Neji's breath against his neck.

---

Time could only be marked by the play of light beyond the shoji doors and the twitter of birdsong; with the sporadic whistle of deer calls filtering through.

Despite this, the two ninja didn't stir.

Ensconced in the easy quiet, Shikamaru drifted in and out of sleep, hovering in a light doze so that he could monitor the Jōnin resting against him. Occasionally he'd raise the back of his hand to Neji's mouth to feel the steady breath against his knuckles; on two of these occasions - that he'd later force himself to forget - he smoothed the crook of a finger along Neji's throat slowly, following the bared stretch of skin to the pulse-point.

There was no reason to have done it so slowly; or to have even bothered double-checking the Hyūga's heartbeat.

Which didn't explain why he did it twice.

Shikamaru closed his eyes and tried not to think about it.

An hour later, it was time to move.

After deliberating how the hell he was going to extract himself, Shikamaru somehow managed to edge his way out from beneath Neji without stirring the Jōnin. He attributed it more to the Hyūga's comatose state of exhaustion, rather than to any stealth on his part.

In fact, at one point he was pretty sure he'd tangled them up into a state of impossible separation, half caught in the sheets and half-caught in Neji's hair. This had resulted in a freeze-frame moment. One where the sole thought running through Shikamaru's head had been 'he's-going-to-wake-up-and-kill-me-before-I-can-run-like-a-girl'.

So he'd held the awkward position until cramp had set in, forcing him to twist his body at an angle he was certain shouldn't have been physically possible. Neji had barely moved throughout this, the only stir being the faint flex of his fingers.

Shikamaru snorted half-heartedly.

That's right, Hyūga, you sleep on…I'll just cease to have blood circulation…

Escaping with a few grunts of "troublesome" beneath his breath, Shikamaru managed to untangle the strands of long mocha hair twined into the sheets, which were in turn twined around him and crawled out the rest of the way.

By the time he'd got Neji laying on his back and finally pushed himself to his knees beside the futon, he decided the whole effort hadn't been worth it and almost went back to sleep.

Almost.

A rap sounded from the door down the hallway.

Ugh…go away…

It came again, slightly louder. Shikamaru scrunched up his face and waited for it to stop.

It didn't.

"What a drag…" he groaned.

Blinking his drowsy eyes, he reached across to drape the tangle of sheets back over the Neji without any thought to what he was doing. It was too soon for his tired mind to wrap itself around anything taxing; so it didn't strike him as strange or unnecessary when he bothered to brush his fingers along Neji's arm before rocking onto the balls of his feet.

Door. Get the door.

He stood up with a scowl, rubbing at his ribs as he slipped from the room and ambled lazily down the hallway. The rapping came again, not ceasing until he slid the door back a little, his dark eyes squinting against the warm, amber glow of late afternoon sunlight that silhouetted the smaller frames of none other than Hinata and…

"Shikamaru, you've got to be kidding me!"

"Ino…" Shikamaru groaned, slanting against door frame and rubbing at his eyes.

"How the hell can you still be sleeping at this hour?"

"Well excuse me for catching a nap in my own home, on my own time." He raised a hand to cup his mouth as he yawned. "What's up?"

"Not you obviously…" The blonde raked her eyes over him critically, cradling a delicate bouquet of flowers to her chest. "Seriously, did you just wake up?"

Shikamaru let his half-lidded gaze supply the answer before he flicked his attention to Hinata, immediately straightening up against the doorframe.

"Hey, how's your leg?"

The dark-haired kunoichi offered a timid smile. "Oh…better, thank you…I…I've come to drop off something."

Shikamaru couldn't resist glancing at Ino. "Not the blonde, right?"

"Hey!" Ino flicked him hard on the forehead. "You're lucky I even came here to check up on you, Shikamaru!"

"Thanks for the concern," Shikamaru swatted at her hand and arched a brow. "Though I don't know about the flowers. That's kinda girly."

"Idiot! They're for your mom. To thank her for all her help."

"Right…"

"Is she home by any chance?" Ino arched onto tiptoes, peering over his shoulder.

"Nah, just me. Dad decided to do something to celebrate their anniversary. A month later, but hey…gets them out the house. They'll be gone for a while."

"Aww." Ino hugged the flowers to her chest. "That's so sweet! Now why can't you be more like your dad?"

Shikamaru snorted and stifled another yawn. "He's only doing it so she quits nagging him."

"Pfft!" Ino made an elaborate hand gesture Shikamaru couldn't interpret. "Honestly, Shikamaru, you wouldn't know what romance was if it bit you in the ass."

"Yeah, probably not."

"Anyway!" Ino shoved the mix of drooping blue and elegant white flowers at him. "I gotta run and meet Shizune. There's no way Sakura is gonna beat me at medic training! So keep these watered and don't you dareneglect them."

"Sounds like a drag…" Shikamaru grumbled, holding the flowers awkwardly and slightly away from his body.

"Shikamaru!"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever."

"At'a boy! Hinata will help you with them! Look, I gotta go! If they die, then you're dead too, got it?" Ino grinned warmly despite her threat and then spun, nearly smacking Shikamaru in the face with her ponytail as she dashed off.

"Crazy girl," Shikamaru muttered, shaking his head before glancing at Hinata. "Shouldn't you be resting?"

"I suppose…but I wanted to…um…here…" Hinata held her hands out, handing over a travel bag she'd been carrying. "For Neji-niisan."

Shikamaru kept his expression in check as he took the offered bag in his free hand, hefting the weight and determining it was probably clothes. It didn't surprise him that she'd guessed Neji's location.

Hinata watched him nervously.

"Is he ok?" she asked when he met her gaze again.

Shikamaru couldn't withhold a grim chuckle, shaking his head as he stepped back and turned his body, gesturing for her to come inside. Hinata hesitated before accepting.

"Right." Shikamaru handed her the flowers as she toed off her shoes. "You deal with the damn flowers, I'll deal with tea or something and then we'll have this talk sitting down, yeah?"

Hinata smiled faintly, her eyes almost sad. "Yes."

---

The tea sat cold and untouched, the steam having wafted away an hour ago.

Hinata sat quietly, her hands folded neatly in her lap as she gazed across the low table at Shikamaru. In contrary to her formal poise, the shadow-nin sat with one leg propped up, his arm draped lazily across his knee. But his head was bowed, dark eyes intensely fixed on the tea.

Despite their different postures, their shared sense of tension was palpable.

Hinata blinked slowly and lowered her eyes to her hands, lacing her pale fingers with a small frown.

"I'm sorry, Shikamaru-kun."

Shikamaru quirked his lip, but the expression didn't hold. "It's not your fault."

"I just…he won't talk to me. Which I understand but…he won't talk to anyone."

"Yeah well, what makes you think you're gonna get breakthrough with me?" the shadow-nin muttered, his eyes still on the tea. "The Hokage should know about this, or Gai…someone…"

"You are someone," Hinata whispered.

"That's not what I mean," he growled, his voice coming out a little harsher than he'd intended. He softened his next words. "It's not the same thing…"

Hinata kept her eyes down. "I understand."

"No you don't…or you wouldn't be here." Shikamaru sighed, blinking tiredly. "I could end up making this worse, even if I wanted to help."

"You don't want to help?" Hinata glanced up, her voice soft, lacking accusation; almost too understanding.

Dammit.

"I don't want to make things worse," Shikamaru corrected, finally lifting his eyes from the teacup. "He's put these walls up in his system, for whatever reasons and you're basically asking me to knock them down…you know how badly that could end?"

"I know how badly it could end if he keeps them there." To his surprise and respect, Hinata held his gaze. "I think that…you know that too…"

Shikamaru pursed his lips, the vision of Neji's blood splattered across white sheets and the enamel of the sink causing him to hesitate in his response.

"Look, I'm not a medical expert, Hinata…"

"But your clan—"

"No, I don't have the knowledge needed to deal with this. He needs medical assistance…probably some kind of mentor or veteran 'know-it-all' to set him straight…I don't know…"

"You're wrong." Hinata frowned, her lips tightening a little with conviction that carried in her voice. "He doesn't…more than he needs medical assistance or a mentor…he needs…someone to…"

"To what?" Shikamaru snapped.

Hinata flinched before clasping her fingers tightly. "To be there…"

Shikamaru turned his head away, but kept himself from apologising. He wasn't angry with her, but this conversation was turning down a path he had no intention of heading. He'd got tangled up enough in this crap. Now was the time to cut and run before he got in too deep. Mulling this over, he stared out the open door toward the low veranda and watched long shadows stretch across the golden-hued wood.

He didn't expect her next words.

"He needs someone…to stop him from…slipping back…"

What?

Shikamaru arched a brow, flicking his gaze across without turning his head, his dark eyes brandy-coloured in the golden light.

"Slipping back?"

Hinata nodded, her lavender hues touched by the flame-tinged light. "To that place he was in when he was younger…that place I was so sure that…that Naruto saved him from."

Saved him from…?

Shikamaru didn't think of himself as overly philosophical, at least not in a dreamy, abstract kind of way. He could be introspective, contemplative and even somewhat meditative when he could be bothered. His cloud-gazing was testament to that side of his personality.

But ideas like doom and darkness never sat right with his logic, or maybe he didn't have the energy to entertain something that depressing and insubstantial. There was strategy and choices. That's the clear-cut way he liked to look at it. It saved him the emotional turnabouts that came with making things too figurative.

Despite this assessment, he drew a slow breath and forced himself to toe around the edges of Hinata's words, posing his next question somewhat reluctantly.

"What place?"

He kept his eyes away from her, but he could sense her relief at his participation. Her docile tones filtered softly across the table, carrying like the specks of dust glittering softly in the air.

"The place he was in three years ago…when he was so far away from everyone…"

Shikamaru frowned. "He's always been pretty detached."

"No…" Hinata's voice softened to a whisper. "I mean the place he was in…when he almost killed me…"

Shikamaru snapped his gaze across; any illusion of peace or pretence was shattered by those words. Suddenly the shadows from the soft light seemed darker, more ominous as they fell across the tatami flooring. He studied Hinata for a moment, as if hoping that he'd somehow misheard.

She's being dramatic…

"He's not that messed up kid anymore. Neji wouldn't hurt you, Hinata." Shikamaru didn't know why, but he was absolutely certain of that. "Let alone kill you."

"I know." Hinata smiled, but it was a miserable twist of her lips. For the first time, her voice didn't shake and she didn't stutter. "I know he wouldn't…"

"Then what are you saying?"

"That he'd kill himself first, Shikamaru-kun…"

A horrible silence underscored her words. Hinata met his gaze, her lavender eyes carrying the faintest sheen. Shikamaru stared at her as if she'd just told a really bad joke. She stared straight back, as serious as he had ever seen her.

The shadow-nin snorted, blinking slowly. "What?"

"He's doing it already…"

"Bullshit." Shikamaru shook his head sharply, a weak, wavering laugh tumbling from his lips. "You can't seriously believe that."

Her silence was her answer; sadness misting her eyes. Shikamaru abruptly looked away, trying to make the gesture look dismissive rather than pained or confused.

"Hinata…that's ridiculous. Neji isn't the kind to bow out. You know how he is with his 'I won't lose' crap. There's just no way…there's no way he'd set out to kill himself."

"I didn't say that he's aware of it." Hinata shook her head. "I don't…I don't think that he is…or if he is…he thinks he can control it."

Shikamaru stood up sharply, feeling a sudden, atypical need to move rather than sit paralyzed by these words; locked in cold dread by all the dangerous sense they were beginning to make.

"I can't believe that…it's crazy…"

He could feel Hinata's eyes following him as he paced. The movement didn't shift anything. He could still feel the chill of the realisation setting in.

"I just can't believe that he'd be that stupid…" Shikamaru whispered, drawing to a stop by the open shoji door. "Troublesome bastard…"

Neither he nor Hinata spoke for a long moment. There wasn't anything to say that would soften the blow of the ugly truth in Hinata's words.

Dammit Neji…what the hell have you done to yourself…?

"Shikamaru-kun…" Hinata's voice was so quiet he almost missed it.

"Shouldn't you be getting home?" Shikamaru turned his head slightly, offering her a shadow of a smile. "Wouldn't want any more Hyūga's going AWOL, yeah?"

Hinata remained kneeling by the table, her wide eyes imploring him, the moon-like irises so similar to the ones that had been wide with panic and pain only hours before.

Dammit…

Shikamaru closed his eyes. "I'll think of something to tell the Hokage. I might need you to corroborate it at some point."

Hinata straightened up with hope in her eyes. "I will."

"If it comes to that, I'll let you know my story so we don't get caught out on anything."

"Of course."

Shikamaru raised a hand to rub his thumb between his brows, sucking in a slow breath as he solidified a fractured plan.

"It's gonna take a little longer than normal for Neji's chakra levels to replenish with those blocks, right?"

"Yes."

"Alright, that gives me some time at least…for now just…just take care of the Hyūga side of things, yeah? Don't let this leak back to your family."

"I won't."

"And for the sake of everyone's sanity, don't say a god damned thing to Naruto or Kiba…hell, don't say anything to anyone…we don't want this in any kind of circulation…not even rumours."

"I understand."

"Good, at least one of us does…'cause I sure as hell don't…" Shikamaru muttered; his tired eyes slipping open again to trace the shadows creeping across the garden as the sun began to set.

"Shikamaru-kun, I'm s—"

"It's not your fault," he cut her off, his voice carrying in a bored, apathetic tenor that was more than a little forced. "No point in feeling guilty anyway, it doesn't change anything…"

"But I…thank you," Hinata said.

"Don't thank me yet, yeah?" he turned his head, offering a faint smile. "You'd better get going."

"Okay."

Hinata left quietly, taking any semblance of peace with her and leaving behind a heavy mood to fill the void. Her gentle presence had kept the brooding atmosphere somewhat at bay and Shikamaru had hoped the grim cloud would leave with her, but it didn't.

He tried to distract himself by making food, but paused half-way through the task, abandoning it to pace across the porch a few times. But no matter what he did, the feeling remained.

It hovered and followed him around like his shadow.

And it turned colder every time Hinata's words looped through his mind.

"He'd kill himself first, Shikamaru-kun…"

Shikamaru slid the door to the guestroom open, slipping inside silently. The room was lit by a gentle hue, almost sandy as the sunset filtered through the fusuma panels. Shikamaru's gaze tracked down to the futon.

Neji hadn't moved.

The Jōnin's arm lay draped across his stomach, his head tipped back and turned slightly to the side. His bare chest, revealed by the loose fold of the yukata, rose and fell softly.

Shikamaru stared for a long moment, his dark eyes tracing over the marble-cut figure before he approached. Stopping close to the futon, he flopped down to sit beside the sleeping Hyūga.

"You're a troublesome bastard, Hyūga," he growled into the silence, but there was no real heat in his voice.

Neji slept on, wrapped in the ignorant bliss of recuperation.

Oblivious to the eyes that traced his profile and the fingers that checked his pulse; oblivious to everything but the deep, dark shadows his mind was lost in.

Shadows that right now, not even Shikamaru could reach.

---