Breaking Apart

]Breaking Apart

Warnings: DARK, TWISTED FIC. RAPE. Yaoi. I am writing this a stress reliever. It is twisted and MORBID with DISTURBING IMAGES. Sorry, I do not have a beta, so this is unbetaed- read at your own risk.

Disclaimer: I don’t own Naruto. I am writing this for fun.

A/N: This chapter is completely inside Naruto's head. Could probably use more proof-reading, so reader beware.

‘Naruto’s thoughts’
“talking”

Chapter 10: The Real Naruto

I could feel the minute Sasuke left the apartment. My eyes flash open and I am instantly awake. Sasuke told me last night he had a mission today. I was secretly glad I didn’t have to deal with him today. ‘I really need some time to think,’ I expound softly to myself wondering what to do first. I roll over to lie flat on my back with a sigh as I gaze at the ceiling thoughtfully. ‘What is going to happen between us?’

Throwing my hands behind my head, I try to take stock of myself. ‘It’s been a while since I’ve made myself truly think about the place at which I find myself.’ One thing that is immediately obvious is I can feel that today I am a different person than yesterday. It’s not the pleasant soreness of my body that is eye opening. But Sasuke’s treatment of me and how much I enjoyed it made me realize something about him, something about myself. I am not quite so innocent as I appear, even in my own mind’s eye. Of course, once upon a time I was completely aware of this. I would have never described myself as innocent before the sound. ‘Hn. I was innocent before the Sound,’ I think my mouth twisting into a self-mocking smile.

The Sound almost broke me. I’d forgotten who I was, why I was, and what my plans during that time. And Sasuke, who helped piece me back together, put me back together in the wrong order. ‘I can’t blame him,’ I think attempting to be as honest with myself as possible. ‘He never really knew the real me.’ He’d only remembered wide innocent, dense eyes that looked at the world with a child-like wonder. He only knew the mask I presented to the world. ‘I guess it is kind of disappointing.’ In Sasuke’s ignorance, he rebuilt me to fit the mask I’d projected all my life. ‘But that is not the real me. That is not who I really am.’

My enjoyment of the pain and pleasure I experienced last night forced a part of me to the fore that I’d forgotten about. I move to sit on the edge of the bed and run my hands wearily down my face. Looking at my hands, I begin to see all the blood they have spilt. I glance over my chest and torso, taking in the hardened muscle that I was determined to rebuild after my almost complete destruction. My eyes travel to my semi-hard cock, I reach my hand to grasp and stroke myself as my eyes continue over my powerful legs. I take in the muscle and golden hair that adorns my 6-foot frame, and think to myself ‘I’d forgotten. I’d forgotten what kind of life I’d chosen to live. I’d forgotten what this kind of body means and the sacrifices I’ve made to get it. I am a Konoha ninja. A killer when need be, but mostly a protector of everything I hold dear. And this body shows how I live my life.’

The bitter ecstasy Sasuke wrung from me reminded me why I chose to be a ninja. Becoming the next Hokage, though definitely one of my goals is only a part of it. Mostly it was to satisfy my need for pain and the pleasure that pain gives me. The pain of training, the gratification of having a body of a warrior. The pain of wounds, the satisfaction of standing on the line between Konoha and the rest of the ninja-world. The pain of killing and the contentment of removing a threat to Konoha, to my home. The pain of keeping promises and the glory of keeping my word.

‘I'd forgotten. In the almost overwhelming pain of the Sound, I forgot that I let Orochimaru catch me. I let him find me. I let him take me. And I knew what he would do,’ with a sigh of weariness I run my hands over my face again, but this time I hunch over so that my legs support my arms as I rest my head in my hands. An audible groan slips from my lips as I think back to why I let Orochimaru catch me in the first place.

I knew what Orochimaru would do. But at the time, it was the only way I could think to bring Sasuke home. I was too good to be caught unwillingly by anyone, especially that lackey Orochimaru, but then so was Sasuke. One of us had to let themselves be captured; I knew Sasuke would never let himself be caught by Konoha. Besides, Konoha would have been much harsher on Sasuke, than the Sound was on me. Sasuke would have been lucky to escape death, and he most definitely would never have seen the outside of the village again. They probably would have sealed his chakra and turned him into an Uchiha breeder. ‘He would never come back to that. I would not let him come back to that. Never.’ If he came home having saved me, Tsunade would have made him a hero. She’s always had a soft spot for me. 'At least that part of the plan worked, I think cynically to myself.

‘I thought the plan was flawless, except for one gamble.’ I knew the Sound would not kill me. They would use me, yes; but they would not kill me. I gambled that Sasuke would rescue me within at least a week from hearing Orochimaru managed to catch me. ‘Hn. And that gamble backfired.’ I’ve always known that Sasuke wanted me. It was clear from the beginning that he desired me. I didn't care because I wanted him too. Badly. Even before we should have had strong attractions, the sexual tension between Sasuke and myself was tangible. I really thought that Sasuke would save me the minute he found out Orochimaru had me prisoner. ‘But he didn’t. He waited three weeks.’ The pain of that betrayal courses through my bones creating an ache that is barely tolerable. I move to lie down before I collapse from the pain.

The bone-deep pain is quickly joined by bitter remorse. ‘I was too cocky. I thought I knew Sasuke so well. How could I have been so stupid! Everyone warned me to give up on him. But I thought we had a special bond. That he- I don’t know, that he cared or something! It took that asshole three weeks to decide to save me. And the Sound broke me. Me! I thought I was unbreakable.’

I thought I had trained too hard to be broken by physical pain. Tsunade made me train to become a hunter-nin from the time she recognized my dream to become the next Hokage. No one can become a Hokage without serving as a Hunter-nin for at least 3 years. At 15, I was the second youngest hunter-nin in Konoha history, next to Kakashi. But I was and am not a prodigy. I worked myself almost to death to make that rank at such an early age. I wore bandages like Lee until I was 17 because I couldn’t stop my arms from bleeding from the stress of my training. I endured more physical pain than the Sound could ever push upon me. ‘I thought I could handle it.’

And I thought, from how the villagers treated me, I thought I could handle the violations as well. I am not a stranger to rape. I am not a stranger to violation. I have been avoiding and, at times, failing to avoid rape since I was five years old. That Orochimaru would find new and innovative ways to rape and violate me did not come as a surprise. It was part of my plan. ‘Tch. I can’t believe how stupid I was,’ I think as my attempt at being honest continues to bring long-forgotten memories to the fore of my mind. ‘No, I wasn’t stupid. I could handle the violation. It wasn’t the rapes and experiments that broke me.’ I believed I had to suffer at Orochimaru’s hands for a week tops. But a week went by, the violations got worse, and Sasuke never showed up. ‘Sasuke did not come for me.’

By the end of the first week, I realized I had made a grave error. I believed too much in Sasuke. I believed he would free me as soon as he heard about how I was being treated. But I was in that fucking cell for three weeks. ‘Three weeks! I was raped and masturbated on daily more times than I can count for three fucking weeks!’ Kabuto’s experiments went from bad to worse and Orochimaru had taken to urinating on my opens wounds. And once he started all the prisoners started relieving themselves on me. No matter what I’d experienced in Konoha, it left me unprepared for what happened to me in the Sound. ‘But it wasn’t the humiliation, pain, and violation that broke me. After all, I knew what I was signing up for, even if the pain and experience of it was worse than I could have imagined. I would have lived. I would have recovered fine. No, the worse part, the absolute worse part of it was Sasuke didn’t come. He didn’t come and save me. I was abandoned.’

By the end of the second week, I’d resolved myself to die in that cell. I was broken. Sasuke’s betrayal broke me. ‘He didn’t come and get me. He didn’t want to save me,’ I think remembering the dejection and worthlessness I felt. ‘The first person who ever acknowledged me. The person I thought cared about me the most. The person that made me believe no sacrifice was too high if it saved the people precious to me. That person left me to be broken. He left me to Orochimaru.’ My agony intensifies. ‘I made a warrior out of myself to be worthy of him. I sacrificed myself to bring him home. And Sasuke didn’t give a damn. When he finally decided to save me, there was little of me left to save. ’

When he finally showed up, I pathetically felt the smallest stirring of hope. But the look of desire that flashed across his face let me know that he did this to me on purpose. All my hope vanished. ‘He waited to save me, until there was almost nothing left of me to save. He broke me to remake me. Cruel bastard.’

Deep down, I know he would do it again if he had to. Shino knows it and so do I. He would break me to keep me. He tried to break me last night. ‘But he stopped,’ an unwanted voice chimed in my head. ‘He didn’t break you. He left you stronger.’ I ponder this thought as I suddenly feel the need to shower and wash Sasuke’s scent off of me. ‘Did he leave me stronger? Did he consciously intend to leave me stronger? Or did he just get too lost in his own desire to finish what he started?’

As I get up to move towards the shower, I am jolted from my thoughts as if I was in a daze. I lift my hand to feel the tears that trail down my checks. Looking around my room I begin to see evidence of Sasuke everywhere. His clothes hanging in the open closets. His dirty close thrown in with mine in the hamper. On top of the dresser is a picture of his mother and father. I slowly begin to realize that Sasuke lives here with me. Somehow he managed to take over my space and make it his without me even noticing. Anger begins to build.

‘Sasuke,’ I hiss angrily to myself. ‘Fuck this moping,’ I think with anger as I move to the bathroom to shower. I catch my own eyes in the mirror and am thrown into an entirely new set of memories. The memories of Sasuke nursing me back to heath. He built me into a dependent child. He built me to fit his image of me. He never gave a damn who I actually was. And I let him. I stare hard into my eyes, watching them grow hard and slightly cynical with all the realizations that I’d forgotten and had been holding back from myself. ‘Even as a broken man, I still wanted to be what Sasuke wanted me to be. I still followed his lead. But these are my eyes. This is who I used to be. This is who I was trained to be. This is who I am. I’d forgotten…’

Turning on the shower and stepping into the frigid water, my mind turns and my gut wrenches as I mentally repeat the mantra, ‘Fuck Sasuke.’

-TBC-

A/N: I was trying to pull some lose ends together here. I've been dropping clues from the beginning about a good deal of this Naruto. But some of it should come as a complete surprise. Let me know what you guys think of this development, yes? I've been planning the twist in this chapter since chapter 1.

Response to Reviewers:

Jelp: We'll see how this Naruto handles Sasuke, yes?

PlotAficionado: I really had to put some fluff in this story, especially after the smut chapter. I needed to release some of the tension. I am very glad you are enjoying this fic. Did you see this change coming? Some of the reviewers on aarinfantasy saw it in the works. I've been trying to drop hints here and there. I tried to make the Naruto of last chapter (chapter 9) a little off, more like his old self. I think that the loud, obnoxious, bratty Naruto is just a mask. And I left the clue that he did not want to let Sasuke into his inner world, so he immediately reverted to the loud finger pointing Naruto while Sasuke was around. Of course, this inner strength that Naruto has does not mean that he is not the sub that Sasuke wants to make him into. In fact, no matter how strong he is, he has yet to escape that role. We'll see how it goes, yes?

Nusku: Wow. Thank you for your compliments. I hope you like this darker Naruto. This fic should start to get more interesting in this second arc.

SharinganEyes: However Sasuke and Naruto will live, I can assure it will not be Naruto. This is a romance, just a kind of horrific one. And yeah, I agree the fluff was a necessary break in the tension I was trying to build in this fic. Now it's time to rebuild it again, ;-). Thanks again for reviewing. I am looking forwardto your fics!!!!

blue_genjutsu: I didn't know you were reading this. I am glad you like this fic. I really like your stories. So glad you're reading.

NinPao: Thanks for your review. I am glad you like it.

XZanyu: I'm glad you liked that last chapter. What do you think of this change in Naruto.

LifeonHiatus: Thanks for your review and for reading along with this fic. I'm glad you like the style. I'm trying to walk a line between irrational and rational by making the narrative first person, some chapters I do better with this than others, but I'm trying. :-)

Damp: Yeah, I hate hospitals too. I am the kind of doctor that teaches. I am glad you're enjoying this fic. Thanks for your review.

Gwyllion: Oh, Naruto is not out for the count. I think he is going to bounce back pretty good. Sasuke's reign is about to be challenged! Mwu-ha-ha-ha-ha...

Thank you everyone who reviewed last chapter! I am really motivated to write by reviews (I know I need to be writing for myself..blah, blah. I really am writing this to entertain y'all and it makes me feel good when I feel like I am succeeding in that. So thanks for your reviews.