Breaking Apart

Breaking Apart

Warnings: DARK, TWISTED FIC. RAPE. Yaoi. I am writing this a stress reliever. It is twisted and MORBID with DISTURBING IMAGES. Sorry, I do not have a beta, so this is unbetaed- read at your own risk.

Disclaimer: I don’t own Naruto. I am writing this for fun.

‘Naruto’s thoughts’
“talking”

Chapter 11: On Victims


I could feel his presence the minute he transported into my bedroom. Shikamaru used to do this all the time when we were training together. So his intrusion should feel less invasive. But it is. ‘I really am not up to this today,’ I think sourly to myself. I remember my feigned horror over having Shikamaru and Neji hear us last night, which hadn’t been completely fake. I am a very private person. I rarely show my inner world to anyone. And sex with Sasuke is definitely part of my inner world, whether I like it or not.

‘Might as well make him pay for invading my home,’ I think with a smirk, as I exit the shower and dry my body off quickly. I move my mask into place and start toweling my hair as I step out of the bathroom into the bedroom. With nothing but a towel covering my head, I paste a seemingly oblivious look on my face and keep my eyes averted from my ‘visitor’.

I feel his eyes trace my body. I stop moving into the room and strike a pose much like the one Sasuke struck a couple nights earlier. I allow my legs to remain slightly apart while I bend my stomach to make my abdominal muscles appear more stark against my tanned skin. At Shikamaru’s sharp intake of breath, I look up with a feigned look of surprise only to see his face revert to a droll stare. ‘He’s never fallen for my masks. But he really hates when I use them on him. Wasted effort. He hates any kind of wasted effort,’ I think smugly as I quickly move the towel to cover my crotch with a feigned yelp of surprise.

“What are you doing here!?” I scream pointing a finger at him. It is a staple gesture of mine and I refuse to give it up now.

“Tch…troublesome,” Shikamaru responds with a shake of his head. He turns to leave the bedroom, because he knows staying in the bedroom will only encourage me. With a wave of his hand he says, “I’ll wait for you in the kitchen.”

‘Nice to have people so well trained,’ I think with wry amusement as I move to put on my jounin uniform. I may not be actively taking missions right now, but Tsunade still has me on active duty. So I to wear my uniform daily. ‘I have to see Tsunade about my reinstatement to Hunter-nin. I’m tired of sitting on my ass. After all, I still have three months left to serve.’

Taking the time to ruffle my hair into place, I move to join Shikamaru at the dining room table. As usual, he is in the process of making tea for both of us. For about one year, when I first came back from the Sound, this was a daily routine for us. I remember looking forward to our mornings together. ‘I barely see him any more,’ I think. Against my will I find my curiosity piqued by the absence of Neji, who I’d expect to see. Since those two became an item, Neji never lets Shikamaru come over without him.

“Where’s Neji?” I ask curiously.

“Mission. With Sasuke,” He replies handing me a cup of tea.

We sit in silence for a while, enjoying our tea, basking in the quiet. It is almost like old times, but soon impatience starts to settle over me. I have things to do today. Not the least of those things is to talk to Shino. The last thing I wanted to do is sit here quietly with Shikamaru.

“Well, getting laid has not improved your attitude,” Shikamaru says cutting through my thoughts sensing my impatience.

“Well, you know how Sasuke is…” I say breezily not letting my mounting impatience seep further past my mask than it already had.

With a grim smirk, Shikamaru remarks, “Actually, I do. I know exactly how Sasuke is. That’s what I am here to talk about.”

I throw a feigned surprised look at Shikamaru. "What do you mean?” I ask, but the implications of his words hit me the minute they leave his mouth. ‘Another one of Sasuke’s bitches,’ I growl to myself, my impatience making me blunt.

I wait for Shikamaru’s response to that half-assed question knowing he has no intentions on answering it. It would be a complete waste of energy. He knows I understood what he was trying to tell me. He’ll just wait until I acknowledge that I understood him. Shikamaru will wait forever for that confirmation before he wastes words repeating himself.

Still, today I do not feel like playing the game of conversation with Shikamaru. So I respond flatly, “Oh, I see. You’ve fucked him too, huh?”

With that the implications of his confession begins to sink in, ‘I know Sasuke is a cheating bastard. But Shikamaru! He was my friend.’

“Shino told me you knew,” Shikamaru says quietly as if he’d just then realized his error in believing that I knew about him and Sasuke.

I try to be honest with myself, yet again. ‘I guess, I suspected this when I found out about Sasuke and Shino. But no, Shikamaru, I didn’t know.’ I say in my head as my face reflects a fake confusion.

I’m not the fool everyone thinks I am. Shikamaru does not miscalculate. In fact, I don’t believe for one moment that he believed that I actually knew about him and Sasuke. My inner facial expression narrows its eyes on Shikamaru’s expression. Then it dawns on me, ‘He has come here to confess. Why now?’ We sit in silence again.

Now, the silence between us has meaning. This silence is important. I will neither confirm nor deny his statement about Shino. Shino’s statement is not the point of this conversation. As such, to my mind, Shikamaru requires no response. I will wait until he proceeds, while contemplating the myriad reasons why Shikamaru would start his 'confession' with Shino.

This is how one talks to Shikamaru. He’s one of the few people in this village that has any idea that I am not nearly as stupid as I seem, because at some point he became aware that I understand him perfectly. And just by virtue of being able to talk to Shikamaru in his language, the language of silence, makes me smarter than the average ninja. It’s a good thing he speaks this language. When I came back from the Sound, it was the only language I could speak in. My voice was very weak and Shikamaru and Sasuke were the only people who understood me. They could read the general direction of my thoughts simply by analyzing the environment, the immediately relevant facts, and a few important well-placed words in any given conversation. And they were almost never completely wrong. Shikamaru is better at this, however, than Sasuke. ‘Still,’ I think with resignation, ‘they truly are brilliant. Betraying assholes. But brilliant, betraying assholes.’

Shikamaru and Sasuke. I feel the anger well in me as it begins to sink in further the implications of Shikamaru’s message. ‘He’s had Sasuke too! Who the fuck hasn’t slept with Sasuke!? Goddamn, betraying bastard.’ Steeling myself against the urge to hurt this man for daring to think I would not demand revenge for him betraying me. 'I refuse to hurt someone out of anger or revenge,' I repeat to myself, 'Shikamaru better be damn glad of that fact.'

I forcibly calm myself trying to look at the big picture. Shikamaru is clearly here to talk this out and I can use all the information on Sasuke I can get. ‘One needs to know one’s enemy, and it is clear I have no fucking idea what is going on with Sasuke.’

“Shino told me some,” I say bluntly, knowing I am speaking out of turn. But my impatience has returned; and I would just as soon get this conversation over with. “Will you tell me more?”

Silence falls over the room again. This time the silence is a chastisement for speaking out of turn and wasting words- two things Shikamaru hates the most. I know that I did not have to add that last question. Of course, Shikamaru will tell me more or why would he be here? Still, he needs to know that I am not playing by his rules. I want information and I want it now, this conversation in silence will have to wait. We need to have a real conversation. Right now.

I can almost hear Shikamaru utter a silent, ‘Troublesome.’ The atmosphere becomes heavy. I don’t mind the discomfort that settles over us. It let’s me know that this is difficult for him. ‘Good.’ I feel slightly appeased by Shikamaru’s obvious discomfort. But again, I am not fooled. His letting me realize he is uncomfortable is part of the message. He’s warning me that I am not going to like what he has to say.

I allow my eyes to bore into his eyes as I let the blankness of my features tell him that I am neutral to his comfort. ‘I won’t hurt you.’ I let him know with my own silence. 'But I am not going to make this pleasant for you.’

“Shouldn’t you be asking, Sasuke?” Shikamaru asks.

‘He’s asking my permission to proceed. Interesting.’ I gave him permission when I spoke out of turn and again with my silence. ‘Another warning. I guess this is going to be worse than I thought.’

“Maybe,” I respond honestly, “But then, you must know why I don’t really want to ask him anything right now.”

I watch Shikamaru wince and my worst suspicions are validated. One thing I know is Shikamaru would never show shame for his actions visibly. Ever since ‘the incident’ with his sensei, he has become as impassive as Asuma. No. This show of emotion is not about Shikamaru, but about Sasuke and the pain Sasuke gives to his sexual partners. ‘Nothing about last night was new to Sasuke. I am just one more plaything for him to hurt and pleasure. I can’t believe I actually thought for one minute that he might have tried to help me heal with last night’s activities. Tch, he’s far too selfish for that.’

“Painful isn’t it, Shikamaru?” I ask. I can’t resist teasing him. His tolerance for pain has never been very high. ‘I can’t imagine what Sasuke ever saw in you. You really don't seem to be his type.’

I watch Shikamaru’s eyes flare with anger, “Not all of it, Naruto. As you well, know.”

The jab hits me dead on. The urge to rip his throat out returns with a vengeance. But I know, I would never hurt Skikamaru. He was once my friend.

“Let’s not share notes,” I say barely keeping a snide sentiment from seeping into my tone, “I’m sure I would run out before you anyway. Just tell me how many people Sasuke has had affairs with.”

Shikamaru’s eyes shine brightly into mine as I watch him struggle to keep his own temper in check. ‘This must really be affecting him. He never shows this much emotion.’

“I’m only going to tell you this because it is too troublesome not to,” Shikamaru starts, his voice still tinted with anger. The language of silence is broken. Our conversation begins.

I disregard his anger and wait for him to continue. ‘What the fuck do I care if you’re angry? You betrayed me by sleeping with Sasuke.’

“Technically, Sasuke did not have an ‘affair’ with me. Our relations pre-dates your relationship,” Shikamaru starts and is stopped by a snort I couldn’t hold back. He waits to see if I am going to add anything else, when I don’t he continues in a much calmer voice, “OK, maybe not pre-dates your relationship with him. You two have been friends since you were children.” He pauses to gauge my response, but I give him nothing and wait for him to continue. I can’t trust myself to speak. I don’t want to push Shikamaru into not telling me what I’ve been dying to know since I found out about Shino. I thought we could have a regular conversation about this. But I was wrong. 'Unfortunately for me, if I want to keep my temper in check, then the language of silence is my only option.'

“I was Sasuke’s first lover when he returned to Konoha with you,” Shikamaru explains bluntly, “You were not in a romantic relationship at the time, so, technically, I did not help him cheat on you.”

Inside my inner face wears an expression of incredulity. ‘What kind of logic is that! Sasuke has always been mine. I went to bring him home. I sacrificed for his faithless ass. You just reaped the rewards.’ Even with my mind screaming rejections of Shikamaru’s conclusion, I still manage to utter, “Wasted words. How long were you two together?”

Uttering the phrase ‘wasted words,’ let’s Shikamaru know how little I care about or want to hear his rationale. It also lets him know that I have reverted back to the language of silence. The language of silence is created on a mutual understanding of what it means to waste words and what it means to preserve them. In this instance, wasting words means offering words that do not pertain to the facts of thesituation being discussed. Shikamaru should only stick to the facts from here on out if he wants to continue this conversation, anything else will be a waste of words. Shikamaru receives this message without blinking.

“Do you need to know that Naruto?” Shikamaru asks exasperatedly, choosing to remain outside of the language of silence.

"No. But I would like you to tell me anyway,” I respond as calmly as I can.

“We were together almost a year,” he responds with a resigned sigh.

‘A year,’ I think my mind reeling, ‘All that time Sasuke was nursing me back to health, coaxing me to care about him as more than a friend, all the while he was with Shikamaru!’ My eyes grow hard as I realize that Shikamaru spent about a year helping Sasuke take care of me right after I returned from the Sound. ‘I can’t believe this shit. I was right. Whoever was spending time with me was one of Sasuke’s lover.’

“I can see you connecting the time frame-“

I wave my hand to interrupt him. I’d rather he not waste more words on things I already know. I only have so much patience. That he would even try to explain himself speaks to his nervousness. ‘He can choke on his explanations for all I care.’ There are better ways to confirm my suspicions. “Who else has he had affairs- um, relationships with?” I almost choked on the word relationship.

"I didn’t say ‘relationship,’ Naruto,” Shikamaru clarifies with a bitter smile, “I said relations. Sasuke and I were never in a relationship. We fucked each other, yes. Sometimes he held me through the night, sometimes I held him through the night, but we did not have a relationship. We never loved each other.”

For some reason that surprises me. I don’t really know how to take this information. I stare blankly at Shikamaru, mostly because I never mentioned love. ‘I know that bastard didn’t love you, Shikamaru. You were a fool if you thought he did.’ “Sasuke is incapable of love,” I say sternly, chastising Shikamaru for being a fool to believe Sasuke can love anything, “You had as much of a relationship with him as he is capable of having with anyone.”

“He’s capable of love, Naruto,” Shikamaru says, his eyes fill with something like sympathy, “He appears to be incapable of showing love. But he can love, I assure you.”

I feel a renewed flash of anger that Shikamaru and Shino all presume to think they ‘know’ Sasuke better than I do. And it irritates me more that they probably do know more about Sasuke than I do. ‘You shouldn’t know these things! This information is mine to know. Mine! I paid the fucking price for him,’

“I’ll have to take your word on that,” I say with a calm acquiescence that belies the fury I am holding inside. Suddenly my hatred for Sasuke grows to an unbelievable pitch. ‘How dare that bastard put me in this position! To be taught about him by his ex-lovers.’ Still, I focus on the big picture and bitterly concede, “I am sure that you know him far better than I do. After all, you had him for a year?”

"I do, Naruto,” Shikamaru says softly with something akin to pity, “Believe me, I do know him better than you. So listen to me when I say he can love. He may not be able to love me, but he can love.”

I can’t help but stare at Shikamaru blandly; my emotions are a tangle of rage, confusion, and hatred. ‘All of these wasted words. How unlike Shikamaru to fling words so carelessly around. Is there something I am missing? What has he to gain from offering this information? What purpose does this topic serve? Who cares if Sasuke can love? Even though I know he can’t, who gives a damn if he could!’

“OK,” I respond blandly, visibly dismissing Shikamaru’s insistence on Sasuke’s ability to love, “Whom else has he slept with?”

“A better question would be who hasn’t he slept with, Naruto.”

I respond with silence. I will waste no more words here.

“Leave it alone,” Shikamaru warns with something like sympathy, ‘you don’t understand this. You never have. You probably never will.”

‘Ahh, another fellow who believes I don’t understand’

“Spare me,” I command bluntly allowing my mask of calmness to drop for an instant. Letting the silence settle again as Shikamaru ponders the rage and hatred my expression revealed. ‘Do not push me, Shikamaru. Please, do not push me right now.’

“He’s slept with just about every ninja you know and more than a few ninjas you don't know. The only people he hasn’t slept with are Neji, Tsunade, Jiraiya, Iruka, and Ino.”

I sit silently waiting for my response to this news. I wait. But nothing comes. ‘That’s a lot of people,’ I think with something like twisted amusement. The urge to laugh is the signal that I am actually in horrified shock. As a ninja, I’ve been in horrified many times before. It is the laughter that gives it away. I’ve learned to snap myself out of horror at will. Laughing in the middle of a mission, especially when one is in a position to be horrified, is an occupational hazard. As I shake the errant emotion off, nothing replaces the urge to laugh, but emptiness. ‘Sasuke really does not give a damn about me.’

“It’s not what you think,” Shikamaru starts. He disappears from my vision as he gets up to make more tea.

I don’t follow him with my eyes. I don’t think I can. Silence settles around us again. I find I’ve lost all interest in anything Shikamaru has to say. I barely listen as he putters around the small kitchen preparing tea.

“He told me, he would rape you if I didn’t sleep with him,” Shikamaru explains matter-of-factly.

My heart stops. My lungs begin to feel like they are engulfed in fire. I still don’t turn to look at him as my stare becomes more vacant.

“He said that he only returned to Konoha because of you, but you were not ready to be with him in the ways he needed you to be, so he would need others to meet his desires. I was his first-,” Shikamaru’s voice broke as he abruptly stopped talking.

‘Victim. You were his first victim.’ I think as the picture becomes clear.

“He forced you?” I ask softly, horror I can't hold back staining my words. The question is met with silence.

I feel my world crumble for the third time in three days, I barely reach the sink as my stomach empties itself. I hadn’t eaten anything all morning so I end up puking bile. When my stomach settles somewhat, I wipe the back of my mouth with my sleeve and slowly turn back to Shika.

I am not surprised to see Shika sipping tea and staring out of the living room windows. I walk as calmly as I can back to my seat at the table and take my freshly filled cup of tea.

“I am so sorry, Shika,” my voice is rough and hoarse. I can’t help but wince at my awful behavior in this conversation. Wasting words, I continue, “I’ll make him pay for this, I swear.”

“No,” Shikamaru says turning his heated eyes to stare into mine. “You need to know the whole story. No, I did not want to have an… ‘affair’ with Sasuke. And you were right Naruto; I tried to defend myself against him in vain. But he did not rape me. I am not even sure he forced me. But I know that it was not rape. I wanted him. So though some people would say he forced me to act on desires I would never have acted on, he did not really force me into an affair.”

With that, Shikamaru moves to stare to the window again and continues, “I wanted him. He knew that I wanted him. But I would never have acted on it because of you. You loved Sasuke so much. I don’t think any of us can understand the depths of your feelings for him. I don’t even think you understand. I didn’t want to betray you. It tore me apart every time Sasuke and I were together knowing that this day would come, when you would stare at me with those eyes and see me for what I am.”

Staring intently at Shikamaru’s profile, “And what is that? What are you Shikamaru?”

“Weak.” He says simply, “I am weak. I wish I could blame Sasuke for ‘forcing’ me into relations with him against my loyalty ties, against my own honor. But I can’t, I wanted him, Naruto. And I was so glad when he took the choice out of my hands, so glad. Towards the end, I actually thought I loved him. Maybe I still do.

“No, Sasuke is not a good man. But we all know that don’t we. Still, he is not an evil one either. It is true he has slept with most of our friends, but most all of them were extremely willing. The only true conquests he’s ever had were me, Kakashi, and Shino. We had to be ‘forced’ into relations with him, for lack of a better word. But somehow the word ‘forced’ loses its meaning, when you take into account how much we wanted him and how much we enjoyed our every encounter with him. Any forcing he did was just foreplay for us.”

At the mention of Kakashi, it became difficult to breath. I could feel myself getting dizzy and dismayed at what Shikamaru is revealing to me.

“I know this is hard to hear, but Shino is right. You deserve the truth. And he is right again when he says that Sasuke used us and when he got tired of us he simply left us for someone else. But we were never victims, Naruto”

“It sounds like you are rationalizing a bad situation, Shika. Trust me, I know all about that,” I say sympathetically, “Nobody wants to be a victim, I understand.”

“No, Naruto,” Shika says with a shake of his head and an exasperated look that mirrors the one Shino gave me not too long ago, “You don’t understand. You can’t understand. You are not like us. You are different. You can’t possibly understand our logic, but I don’t think that Sasuke or myself would want to change that in you.”

“Everyone says that, you don’t know me nearly as well as you think,” I whisper.

“I don’t claim to know who you are, Naruto. But I know exactly who you are not. And you are not like Sasuke, Shino or myself. You are different. It took me loving Neji to understand how special both of you are. It's not an insult,” he continues as I begin to bristle at his words, “It’s actually high praise. Don’t underestimate, Sasuke. He sees it too- he saw it before I did.”

“What makes us special,” I ask with irritation. I can’t help but be curious about this so-called ‘special quality’ everyone seems to think I have.

“Now that,” Shikamaru replies, “is definitely a question you need to ask Sasuke.”

At the mention of his name a feeling of disgust wells up in me. Finally, an emotion that makes sense,' I think to myself. ‘Sasuke really is a despicable person. How could I have ever have believed myself in love with him! He’s mad! He’s corrupted Shikamaru and Shino with his madness!’ My desire to leave Sasuke is almost unbearable.

“He won’t let you leave him, you know,” Shikamaru says in a softly scolding voice.

I look at him sharply, “Boy, all you assholes say the same thing, don’t you? Has it ever occurred to you that Neji and I aren’t special, that you guys are the ‘special’ ones? That we are just normal guys caught up with a bunch of fucked up bastards!” My anger mixes with the disgust I hold for everyone involved with this mess, even myself. An emotional overflow flows past my mask in waves. It feels so good to release my emotions. I’d been holding onto them so tightly, the release is almost orgasmic. “Why the fuck should I be forced to live according to your warped visions of how the world works!?”

I can see the loving amusement pass Shikamaru features.

Shaking his head, he begins to sip his tea again. I know that he is letting his last words linger. No use repeating himself, I suppose.

“I am not afraid of Sasuke. I am not as weak as you are, Shikamaru,” I say dropping my mask completely, showing my deadliness. “I can kill him.”

“Without a doubt, Naruto, you can kill him. The question is will you fight him with the intent to kill or will you hold back like you always do?”

Surprised by Shikamaru's concession of my strength, I suddenly understand what Shikamaru is trying to say. No, Sasuke will not ‘let’ me leave, but he can’t force me to stay either. Not if I don’t want to stay. ‘I have the control here,’ I think with wonder. ‘I have the control.’

Suddenly Shino’s warning makes sense. I didn’t understand him because at that time I really didn’t want to leave Sasuke. Shino understood and settled for trying to warn me not to anger Sasuke too much because if I wasn’t ready to leave him, then the only other option is to make my situation include a minimal amount of suffering. He was trying to make it so that I didn’t suffer too much. ‘It makes sense now. Shino, Shikamaru, my own position. I have more control than they ever did. Sasuke is mine to do with what I want. To discard, to love, to hurt, to kill. He’s mine and that gives me control.’

A strange peace settles into my soul at this realization. My mind begins to fill with plans to torture Sasuke. ‘I have no intentions on satisfying his desires. He hasn’t earned it. He hasn’t earned me. Besides, he has had more than enough sexual fulfillment to last him for quite a while. And it’s going to have to last him, because he will not be touching me,’ I think with grim satisfaction. ‘The first thing I will teach you, Sasuke, is there is a price for every pleasure. Every pleasure.’

I barely register Shikamaru transporting away.

-TBC-

Sorry for the wait. Had a hard time of it lately. Thank you everyone for your reviews. A big 'Thank you' to Jelp for checking on me. I really appreciated it. :) This chapter is for you.