Perception

Warnings: Rated M for violence, language and sexual situations/adult themes. Naruto and its characters are owned by Kishimoto.

Fanart #3 is up at Deviant Art and the link is on my profile. I hope you all like it. Also, there is another fanart for Perception, done by Shamora aka Eau-Hermaphrodite, and it’s amazing! The link to it is also on my FFN profile so be sure to check it out and leave her a comment over at DA!

This chapter is pretty heavy, but it’s a necessary, key part in Sakura’s growth as a character and will have direct effect on her choices from now on.

Also, some of you have been asking me about Tobi (due to the current manga). Although I do mention that there is more to him than what he seems, in my story Tobi is Tobi. He is love, and he’s adorable the way he is, so consider his portrayal in this fic to be a tribute to the ditzy little darling we once knew as Tobi.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


Perception by Cynchick
Chapter 12: Rational Hypocrisy

“Rain.”


“Huh?”


“It’s going to rain,” Kisame restated, silvery eyes looking up at the dark clouds massing in the already bleak northern sky.


“Hmm. Looks like you’re right. We should find a place to hole up and wait it out then; the rain up here will turn freezing, yeah.”


Sakura stood up from where she had crouched to adjust her bootstraps and looked at the ominous sky with a frown. At least it wasn’t going to snow. She was infinitely warmer now that she had a better cloak, but she still wasn’t thrilled about being caught in bad weather when they were camping outdoors at night. As for her new cloak, they all knew what it was and they had all noticed, but no one mentioned it. The members of Akatsuki really did seem to mind their own business unless it was pertinent to the organization. Maybe missing nin in general had some sort of golden rule to respect each other’s privacy.


“Where did Itachi-san go?” asked Tobi.


“He’s reporting to Leader.” Kisame replied. Sakura had learned that this entailed a deep meditation and complicated, long-range mental projection. He had gone off by himself to avoid interruption. She couldn’t help but wonder what he was telling their leader, certainly not about what was happening between them... She had a feeling that little complication wouldn’t go over so well with the higher-ups.


“Let’s go before the storm hits,” the shark suggested as he re-adjusted Samehada on his back and began to walk away.


“Aren’t we going to wait for your partner, Kisame-san?” Tobi asked.


Kisame merely shrugged and kept walking. “He’ll find us.”


Deidara began to walk after the large man. “Come on, Tobi.”


“Coming!” Tobi said, scrambling after them, and Sakura fell into step beside Deidara as he passed her. He looked at her briefly in acknowledgement but didn’t speak. She could tell something was on his mind the past two days, but it wasn’t any of her business to ask him about it so she simply walked next to him in silence.


It had been two days since they had left the sleepy old fashioned town, and they were now deep in the wilderness. The elevation was changing, and Sakura could tell they were heading into the mountains. Every day the terrain grew rockier and more barren, and every day was colder and windier than the last. Deidara hadn’t been wrong when he’d said winter came early in this part of the world, and she had a feeling they would eventually see snow when they got high enough in the hills.


Itachi had remained distant after what happened, but it was impossible for him to ignore her without the others noticing when they were all together nearly every moment, with no rooms to allow privacy and no duties or activities to separate them for more than an hour at a time. She could feel him watching her at times, and once or twice he didn’t turn away as soon as she’d noticed, but he didn’t speak to her other than a few necessary interchanges, and she didn’t try to initiate a conversation. They couldn’t talk about what happened when they weren’t alone, and he was not one for idle conversation.


Having the others close by at all times also made it easier to avoid that palpable tension she felt whenever she got near him, especially when they were alone. They were inexplicably drawn to each other, and both were troubled by it. His withdrawn demeanor was proof of that. Sakura had thought of a few ideas about why she was drawn to him. He was fascinating to her, because the reality of him was such a paradox to what one tended to think. He was so polite, and intelligent, and well-spoken. Combine that with his devastating looks and he was incredibly appealing, except for the fact that he was a psychologically damaged criminal who did terrible things without feeling or remorse. He was dangerous, unpredictable, and forbidden. For some reason that added to the appeal as well as acting a deterrent.


Perhaps he was more troubled by it than she was. His emotional conditioning from a young age made it rare and difficult for him to feel anything at all. She knew about these things because she had studied on some of the less classified methods used by Root to desensitize shinobi when Sai had joined her team. When a person whose emotional register had been wiped blank did feel something, it was exceptionally intense; emotions of pure human instinct rather than of intellect. Primal emotions such as anger, jealously, and lust. And if one of those emotions was strong enough to push to the surface despite ingrained repression, it was uncontrolled and usually violent not only by its very nature, but enhanced by the confusion caused by feeling something where there should be nothing. Combined with this, in Itachi’s case, was what she guessed to be a pre-existing mental condition, and the result was a cold blooded sociopath. Even if his attraction to her was one of simple physical lust, the fact that he seemed compelled to it in spite of himself must be very troubling indeed, and had caused him to withdraw before anything else unexpected happened.


Maybe it was better this way. No, it was definitely better this way. It was best to stop whatever it was before it became too complicated and a line was crossed. Too many lines had already been crossed since she’d been kidnapped, and some could never be re-crossed. Sakura knew she was changed irrevocably by this whole experience, and she still didn’t know if it was for the better or worse.


Why was she even thinking about this? She should be glad of the distance, not trying to analyze it and gain even more understanding of the man she was already too close to. So why was she hoping for an opportunity to talk to him in private and straighten it all out? Why couldn’t she let it go?


“Here, this will work, yeah.” Deidara’s voice pulled her out of her troubled internalizing.


They had walked about a mile and a half through the highlands, and were now standing in front of a large, sheer rock face. Kisame craned his neck to look up the imposing stone cliff side then gave the blonde a skeptical look. “How? You gonna blow a hole in it for us?”


Deidara sighed irritably and rolled his eyes at the shark before walking up to stand flush with the cliff. “No. I was a Stone ninja, remember?” he explained, and placed his hands flat against the rock. After a moment, he removed his hands, formed several lightning-fast seals, and pushed his hands against the stone wall again. There was a low, rumbling and groaning coming from inside the rock, and a moment later the surface began to ripple and distort. The stone shifted to the side and back into the cliff, and soon the four of them were staring at a smooth formed cave big enough to fit five comfortably.


Sakura gaped in wonder at the result of one of the most practical and brilliantly useful jutsu she had ever seen. Tobi was the only one not impressed, as he had no doubt seen it before. “Wow, this must come in handy a lot,” she mused. Deidara smiled at her smugly.


“Hey…” Kisame started, having just realized something. “If you could do this, why have we been sleeping outside every night?”


Deidara looked at Kisame as though the shark were stupid. “How many gigantic rocks have you seen in the last two days with enough mass to allow distortion for a cave this size, hmm?”


Kisame merely grunted in reply and stooped slightly to enter the cave opening. Suddenly there was a bright flash in the sky followed by a loud crack of thunder, and the rest of them headed inside as well.


Half an hour later Tobi, who had volunteered to find whatever pathetic excuse for firewood could be found in this barren landscape, returned just as the storm finally broke with another booming thunderclap. The masked ninja kneeled down in the center of the small cave and began laying out his collection of twigs and deadwood to make a fire.


Sakura sat down on her knees beside him. “Here, Tobi, let me help,” she offered kindly as he finished piling the kindling. She made several hand seals and spoke the command, and instantly the small pile burst into flame.


“Wow! That was great, Sakura-san!” Tobi said excitedly.


She smiled. “This jutsu will burn longer than regular fire, so you shouldn’t have to get any more wood.” The other two Akatsuki were looking at her with bemused expressions. “What?” she asked, looking at them with raised brows. “I’m a Leaf ninja…from Fire country…Uchiha aren’t the only ones taught katon jutsu. Theirs are just a bit more impressive.”


Kisame chuckled at her explanation. “Well aren’t you just too convenient. You and blondie here.”


Deidara glared and was about to snap something at the shark when Sakura beat him to it. “There’s nothing wrong with having a few practical, useful jutsu that aren’t used for maiming and killing. We’ll let you know if we feel like going for a swim,” she teased dryly, referring to the Mist nin’s ability to create water out of thin air.


Kisame smirked wickedly. “I could provide the water if you want to be a good little girl and make dinner for us.”


Sakura deadpanned. “I can’t cook.”


Kisame gaped at her. Deidara, who knew better, kept his face conspicuously blank and busied himself with inspecting the cave walls.


She narrowed her eyes menacingly at seeing Kisame’s stupefied expression. “You just assumed I would be all domestic just because I’m female?” she laughed scathingly and sneered at the shark. “Fuck you on that, Kisame,” she finished hotly, stabbing the fire with a stick and sending sparks into the air.


Deidara lowered his face into his high collar, trying to hide his amusement at hearing the giant shark get told off by the petite woman.


Kisame appeared somewhat cowed and raised his hands in a placating gesture. “Don’t get your panties in a twist, damn... I just thought they taught you kunoichi classes on that stuff or something,” he grunted.


Sakura raised a fine pink brow, still offended. “They do, but that doesn’t mean I’m any good at it, or enjoy it. Besides, that stuff is taught to us in case we get assigned as a spy and have to act as a regular woman for a while. You must not know many kunoichi if you haven’t noticed that most of us aren’t exactly the meek little housewife type.”


“He knows one that would probably rip his balls off and pin them to the wall with a senbon if he suggested something like that to her,” Deidara muttered under his breath.


Kisame gave him a sidelong look. “Yeah, well, we all know she’s insane anyway.”


Sakura smirked. “Sounds like a woman I could respect. Who is she?”


“One of the Akatsuki. She’s Leader’s partner, yeah.” Deidara answered, watching her closely for her reaction.


Sakura was quiet for a moment, a small frown on her features. They had heard of the possibility of one of the Akatsuki being a female a long time ago, but had never gotten any conclusive information. Well, now she knew for sure. After another moment she smiled again. “How interesting,” she said amusedly.


“What is?” Kisame asked.


“Oh, just that the one your leader chose as his own partner is a kunoichi. She must be very strong.”


Kisame shrugged and settled himself against the wall on the opposite side of the fire, laying his enormous sword across his lap.


Deidara sat next to Sakura near the flames, Tobi across from him. “We don’t really know much about her, yeah. But I’m sure she is.”


They sat in silence for a long while after that, Sakura and Deidara near the fire, contentedly watching the flames, Kisame against the wall checking over the serrated teeth on his sword, and Tobi slumped against the opposite wall, masked face turned to the rain outside.


“Why did you want to become a ninja, Sakura?” Deidara asked quietly.


Sakura looked up from the flames, surprised. The flickering firelight was playing across his youthful features, making his pale blue eyes seem extremely piercing. She looked at the fire again with a small, caustic laugh. “You’d think I’m stupid and pathetic if you knew.”


His expression didn’t change. “I don’t think so. Whatever you may have been as a little girl, you’re certainly not stupid or pathetic now.”


She smiled gratefully at the blonde and took a deep breath. “I was a tomboy when I was really young. I would rather play games with the neighborhood boys than play dolls or dress up. My parents were civilians so they didn’t understand how I’d gotten that way. I was always dirty and scraped and the boys on my street said I was like one of them and not like a girl at all. I didn’t care though.


One day, I was out with my mom and I saw some boys play fighting in the park and I thought it looked like a lot of fun. They were the coolest looking kids I’d ever seen, and I asked my mom about them. She said they were from the shinobi families and that they were in the ninja academy. The idea of those cool kids stuck in my head and when I turned school age, I begged my parents to let me test for the ninja academy. I knew they wouldn’t like it so I gave them a whole speech and presentation,” she smiled at the memory, and Deidara smiled as well.


“They finally gave in and I passed the preliminary tests with top scores. In the beginning I was in a class with a bunch of other girls and all we did was learn how to be girls; arrange flowers, look pretty, boring stuff. The other girls made fun of me and I was bullied because I looked like a tomboy and had a wide forehead,” she saw Deidara smirk at that comment, “and I sort of sucked at all the kunoichi stuff we were doing. But I’ve always had a thing about doing well even if I don’t like it, and they hated that about me too. I met my best friend Ino when she defended me against those girls, and she sort of took me under her wing and tried to teach me how to be more feminine. Ino is good at that stuff, and she’s beautiful. Kind of looks like you actually,” she cocked her head slightly at the blonde, who choked a little and gaped at her.


“Oh! No, I don’t mean like you’re girly or beautiful, well, I mean you’re not girly but you are kinda…anyway. Uh…” she and Deidara both blushed and heard Kisame snicker in from beyond the firelight. “What I meant was you’re both blonde and blue-eyed. And you kinda wear your hair the same,” she added, gesturing to the topknot and long bangs covering his eye.


Deidara looked horrified.


“Anyway, back to the point. Ino knew some of the academy boys and she took me to where they hung out a couple times. Then one day I saw the cutest boy I’d ever seen in my life and for the first time, standing next to gorgeous Ino, I felt ugly. All the other boys were in awe of him, they said he got the best marks in everything. I really wanted that boy to notice me, but he didn’t seem to notice anyone. I found out that the next term we would all be integrated into co-ed classes for the rest of our training. I didn’t think someone like me had much chance to impress that boy, but I’ve never been a quitter and I was determined to get him to like me.”


“The Uchiha brat?” Deidara interjected.


Sakura looked at him in surprise. How had he figured that out? She smiled wistfully and nodded. “Yeah. The Uchiha brat. His mysteriousness and aloofness sparked my competitive streak and I was determined to be the one he fell for. It created a monster out of me. I became obsessed with being the kind of girl I thought he would want. For years I grew my hair really long and spent way too much time trying to be pretty and feminine, and not enough time on my ninja skills. I pretended to be nicer than I was and not act too smart because I heard guys don’t like brainy girls. Oh, I still did well in classes, but everything I did was to impress him and try to get him to fall in love with me, not to make myself a better, stronger person. The worst thing was he still didn’t notice me any more than he did the other obsessed girls. In fact, it may have made him dislike me more than anything else. It was pathetic, and embarrassing, and it’s not really a part of my past I’m proud of,” she finished quietly, a sheepish smile on her face as she watched the dancing flames.


Deidara watched her quietly for a long moment, appraising and comparing the girl she had described to the woman before him. She didn’t look at him, obviously embarrassed, thinking her image had been tarnished. “It’s not the most impressive upcoming, yeah,” he said amusedly, and she blanched. “But don’t be ashamed about it. You’re not like that now. If anything, it makes me dislike that guy even more for being such an asshole and being so undeserving of so much devotion from you or any other girl, yeah.” that made her look up at him reluctantly. “You seem to forget that you didn’t want to become a kunoichi to make a boy like you, you got into the academy because that’s what you wanted to be. No one would have the fortitude to finish six years of hard training if they didn’t truly want to be a ninja. You just got sidetracked for a few years, yeah,” he smirked, and she smiled at him.


“Also, no matter how much of a tomboy you were, I have a hard time believing you were ever ugly or unfeminine, yeah. And who told you that guys don’t like brainy girls? Guys don’t want stupid girls, Sakura. They may fuck them, but that’s it, yeah.” She stared at him wide-eyed, and he stared back as if she should know better. “Who wants some brain-dead little twit hanging around all day? Not any guy I know. If they do it’s because they’re stupid themselves and get intimidated when a woman is smarter than they are. I bet you graduated with the best marks in the class, didn’t you?”


Sakura fidgeted with the stick/fire-poker in her lap. She didn’t know whether to take his candid appraisals as simple honesty or something else. “Second, actually. Sasuke was first, since at the time I wasn’t so great with practical exercises.”


“But you are now, Sakura-san. You’re really strong and powerful. I bet you would be listed as S-class if you became a missing nin!” Tobi said enthusiastically. Sakura hadn’t even been sure if he was awake this whole time; he was being unusually quiet and somber. She smiled at his childlike compliment.


“He’s probably right, yeah. I think you would be listed S-class. What do you think, Kisame?” he asked over his shoulder. The shark nodded his head once and grunted in agreement before returning to his sword. “See? I don’t know why you’re not in the Bingo book with the rest of your team,” Deidara mused.


Sakura blushed. She’d heard something similar not so long ago. But S-class? Damn. “Well, Sai isn’t in the book, because he didn’t even exist on record until three years ago. But, I don’t know…I guess I’m not that well known for my fighting abilities, only as a medic.”


“You will be now, after what you did in that town with all those witnesses, yeah. You’re one of the strongest ninja I’ve ever seen. And I don’t just mean kunoichi.”


“Thank you,” she said with quiet sincerity. She didn’t say out loud how much it meant to her to hear such words from some of the world’s most skilled shinobi, all S-classed themselves. “But I don’t really mind that I’m not in the book. Not all of us enjoy having bounties on our heads,” she joked, smirking at the blonde. “Besides, then they don’t expect what’s coming to them. Underestimation is a kunoichi’s greatest weapon after all.”


Deidara nodded at her words. That was most definitely true, in her case especially. “So,” he said after a moment, “What changed? From that girl you used to be?”


Sakura’s expression became somber and poignant as she gazed into the fire. “…He left,” she said quietly. “He left us all behind like we never mattered. He went to Orochimaru, to gain more power even though we all offered to help him. We weren’t good enough.”


There was bitterness in her tone, and Deidara frowned, his dislike for the younger Uchiha growing even stronger. To have no appreciation for the good things in your life, to disrespect and throw them aside…To someone like Deidara, who had never had much worth clinging to, it was unacceptable. He watched her pained expression with a deeper frown as she continued. “I was never equal to my teammates. I always felt as though I was watching their backs as they surpassed me in almost everything. The night he left…I asked, begged him, to take me with him. I wanted to help him any way I could, and…I didn’t want him to be alone out there. But he refused, because I wasn’t good enough. He didn’t want a burden tagging along and holding him back.”


“Or he cared about you more than he let on and didn’t want to drag you into darkness with him.”


Sakura looked up from the fire at Deidara, surprised to say the least to hear such words considering his known dislike for Sasuke. She was thoughtful for a moment. “Maybe. I guess I may never know. Shortly after that Naruto left to get stronger so he could bring Sasuke back to us and I really was left behind. But the day after he left, I swore to myself that I would never helplessly watch the backs of my teammates again, that I would never be a pathetic hindrance to anyone ever again. I was done with being left behind. I would get strong and stand equal with them, and anyone else who came along. I went to the Sannin Tsunade, who had just become our Hokage, and asked her to take me as her apprentice. And now here I am.”


“There’s nothing pathetic about you at all, Sakura. If the Uchiha prick couldn’t see that, then it’s his loss, yeah.”


His expression was somber, his ice-blue eyes unreadable in the flickering light. “Thanks,” she said with a small but genuine smile. She didn’t want to scold him for the way he talked about her former teammate, not after all the respectful and complimentary things he’d said to her, and also because well, as much as she loved the guy, Sasuke kind of was a prick.


There was another round of distant thunder. She briefly wondered why Itachi hadn’t returned, if he was also waiting out the storm somewhere. What would he think of her little story? She absently stirred sparks in the fire with a stick, a comfortable silence falling over them once more.


After several minutes, she noticed Deidara was still frowning slightly, as if in deep thought. He noticed her watching him. “You said you wanted him to take you with him…that you were willing to become a missing nin…” he said suspiciously.


“…I did…” she confirmed, wary of where he was going with this.


His eyes narrowed slightly. “That’s interesting, yeah.”


“Why?”


“You said before that nothing would lead you to betraying your village and becoming a missing-nin.”


Her brow creased a little. “I was young…and, I thought I was in love,” she muttered.


“So you would betray your village, for love?”


Sakura’s frown deepened. He couldn’t know that was the exact question she’d been asking herself all week. “I…I would never do anything to hurt the people of my village. I said it on impulse, I was desperate not to let him go alone…I didn’t fully understand what I was asking for,” she defended.


“I think part of you did, or you wouldn’t have been so concerned for him to go into it alone, yeah.” What was he trying to say? She noticed Kisame and Tobi were silent, but most definitely listening. “You say you wouldn’t go against Konoha, but you were able to rationalize it back then. You weighed the options and decided that something was more important than the laws of your village and you were willing to break them. And you’ve gone against your village here, with us as well.”


“What does that mean?”


“You healed my arm, yeah. You fought beside us against our enemies when you could have run away.”


“They were my enemies too,” she frowned. He still didn’t know that she’d also healed Itachi’s eyes.


“So? You’re rationalizing again, yeah. The bottom line is that certain circumstances would, in your mind, give you the justification to leave your village or at the very least break their laws. You do what you think is necessary at the time, and you have good reason to do it. How is that different from any missing nin, hmm?”


He was confusing her, and at the same time she understood all too well. It was making her angry. “Because I don’t do things for my own ambition! I don’t kill people for no reason!”


Deidara scoffed incredulously. “Are you fucking serious? You killed three people not even a week ago!”


“They would have killed me. I was defending my own life!”


“You think it’s any different for us? Imagine what it’s like when practically everyone is trying to kill you,” he glared.


“Well, if everyone is trying to kill you it’s because what you do is wrong and needs to be stopped,” she retorted haughtily.


His icy eyes narrowed. “How many people have you killed in your life as a ninja, hmm?”


She glared back at him. “I don’t keep track.”


“Why? Because you don’t want to think about it?”


She didn’t answer.


“What exactly do you think you are, Sakura?”


“What?”


“You’re a ninja. What do you think ninja do, hmm? Their reason for existence?”


“We serve our village,” she answered, still frowning.


“Right. You accept missions from your leader, and do whatever they ask of you, right?”


“…I suppose…yes.”


“And why do you do the missions? What purpose does your duty serve, hmm?”


“To protect the village itself, and its citizens,” she said firmly.


“So every mission you take is to protect your village from some threat?”


He was leading her, and she didn’t like where he was going. “…No…what are you getting at, Deidara?”


“I’m proving a point, yeah.”


“Then prove it, and stop leading me around,” she snapped.


“Money.”


“What?”


“You do those missions for money. And to eliminate anything the village sees as a threat to its superiority. Face the reality of what you are and what you do for a living, yeah. You’re a ninja. A soldier for hire. An assassin. You may not have killed a whole lot of people in your life, but don’t be ignorant about the rest of your peers. For example: what do you think a jutsu like Kakashi’s Raikiri was created for? Or the Rasengan? You said it yourself earlier today; most jutsu are meant to kill. And as shinobi you accept orders to kill or steal or sabotage indiscriminately. For money. What makes you think you and your friends are so different from us?”


This was one of the few times in her life that Sakura was dumbstruck. She couldn’t believe he was saying all of this. “I…because we are different! Yes, we get paid to do all sorts of things, but we don’t kill innocent people!”


“How do you know? Do you think your Kage asks every rich contractor exactly why they want someone dead and what they did to deserve it? Come on, Sakura, don’t be stupid.”


An angry glare was her only reply. Kisame stood up silently and walked out of the cave into the rain. Tobi continued to listen quietly, showing an unusual sense of tact and reserve.


“At least we, the Akatsuki, have a higher goal in mind when we do things. We’re trying to change the world, yeah. Not fatten our wallets,” Deidara continued.


Sakura scoffed. “You want to change the world so that YOU have the absolute power.”


“And YOU no longer would, yeah. And that’s why we’re such a threat to you.”


“We don’t hold power by collecting evil demons and unleashing their destruction on the world! What we do is for the greater good, not our own ambition!”


“The greater good? You actually believe that line of bullshit they teach you in the academy? Who’s to say what the greater good is, hmm? What they meant is their own greater good. And what do you mean you don’t unleash the power of demons on the world in order to control it? Why do you think the Bijuu were sealed into Jinchuuriki in the first place? Your own best friend harnesses the power of a demon and uses it against his enemies, or did you conveniently forget that as well?”


“Naruto is a good person. He doesn’t unnecessarily hurt people,” she said fiercely.


“What constitutes the necessity to hurt people, hmm? You see, I could go round and round with this. You need to stop with the rationalized excuses and look at the truth! We all have our reasons, and what we do is not so different when you look at the basic facts, yeah,” he said harshly. He was getting angry at her stubbornness.


“We are different! I’m not a lunatic with crazy ideals! I don’t blow up entire fucking cities just because I like the way it goes boom!” His expression darkened and his eyes narrowed dangerously at her, but she was too angry to think about what she may have just done. “Why are you saying this shit to me anyway?” she asked in a near yell.


“Because you’re acting like a hypocritical, self-righteous bitch!” he snapped.


Sakura was struck speechless, staring at Deidara with wide, indignant eyes. She felt a strong urge to slap him for calling her that, but it died when she saw disappointment mixed in with the obvious anger in his eyes. She was disappointed that their talk had come to this as well, and truthfully it upset her that he had raised his voice and yelled at her.


Unable to take him looking at her so sternly, like someone who knows they’re right, she stood up roughly and stomped out of the cave to get some fresh air and clear her head.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


Kisame was there, leaning against the wet rock face several feet from the opening. How much had he heard since he’d gone out? He certainly heard the last part that they shouted at each other. She sat down on one of the small boulders littering the front of the cave and rested her head on her knees.


She pulled her cloak tight around her frame to keep the rain from soaking anything other than her head. Her mind was racing around in circles, remembering the things Deidara had said to her. She was angry, but she didn’t know why. If it had been Itachi saying all of those things, she would have thought he was trying to manipulate her and twist her thinking. But Deidara wasn’t a manipulative person at all. He was blunt and straightforward and said what he thought. He was opinionated and egotistical, to be sure, but his arguments were too passionate to be anything other than heartfelt and honest.


Ok, so he believed what he’d said to her. That didn’t make him right, did it? But then, if she was so firm in her convictions, why did it work her up so much to hear those things? The truth was, it bothered her so much because he’d unknowingly hit on a subject that she’d been in turmoil about for some time now. Be honest with yourself, Inner Sakura whispered in her subconscious. There’s no one here but us. Oh, great. Inner Sakura only came out like this when she was in denial about something or was trying to repress her true thoughts and feelings.


Were there circumstances in which she could validate breaking the laws of her village? She already knew there were. She had already admitted to herself that certain things were justified in the name of protecting people she cared about, and her rationalizations had led her to do the things she’d done recently. She was supposedly being honest with herself, so the real question was why did she really do those things? What about Deidara’s arm? The reality was she did it out of a natural sense of compassion because he was in so much pain and she was truthfully beginning to like the guy. In other words; because she wanted to. Why did she heal Itachi’s eyes, and then save his life a few days later? That really was for Sasuke, but she could see how her logic was twisted and nearly impossible to understand from any point of view other than her own.


Sure, she hadn’t technically caused harm to her village. But aiding and abetting wanted criminals, specifically criminals who were the most dangerous threat to her village in existence, fighting along side them for whatever reason, those actions were completely illegal, no matter how much she thought she could justify them. Healing one S-class criminal in order to help another… no one on the elder council would accept that as a logical excuse. She had made herself a willing accomplice and contributor to the criminal activities of missing-nin no matter what way you looked at it.


The true answer was yes. There were circumstances under which she would be willing to break Konoha’s laws. She did those things because she knew she wouldn’t get caught. But what if there was no way to hide her true feelings and intentions? What if she was told she wasn’t allowed to bring Sasuke back? What if she was told to kill him on sight or bring him back to Konoha for execution? Could she do it? No. Never. She would let him go forever before she did that. Or would she join him? Naruto would, she knew that without doubt. If he left the village too, would she follow him? Yes. The answer rang as clear as a bell in her heart. There was a bond between the three of them that no one else would ever be able to understand. Nothing was more important to her than those boys. Not even Konoha.


But she would never become a direct enemy or threat to her village. She would never kill a fellow Leaf ninja. Sasuke had never done anything directly against Konoha, and that’s why there was still a chance he would be allowed to come home. And there it is. She could so easily rationalize his actions, as well as her own, yet she refused to acknowledge the possibility that other missing-nin might have equally justifiable reasons for abandoning their villages. She thought of Haku. He had simply followed Zabuza out of love and gratitude. Isn’t that what she just agreed she would do for Naruto or Sasuke? She thought of Deidara. She had admitted when he’d told her that she understood his reasons for leaving his village and that she couldn’t blame him for wanting to go. Deidara was right; she was being a hypocrite. It was wrong of her to automatically sweep all missing-nin into the same category: criminal and bad person.


Could he be right about the other part? Were good ninja and bad ninja really not so different when looked at without prejudice? Remove your own personal opinions and just look at the facts. They were ninja. They were paid good money to do all sorts of jobs, from pulling weeds to political assassinations. Anything and everything for the right price. They spied on people, carried out sabotage, stole important and/or valuable items. They ruined lives. They killed people. Both missing nin and allied nin alike did these things. And why? The main reason was for money; to further the prosperity of your village and increase its status in the world, or for personal monetary gain. Sakura had done plenty of missions for both categories. She had taken odd jobs just because they paid well. The fake mission that had put her in this situation was one of them. Her captors had known of her village’s need for money and used it. The need for money was so great that they hardly ever questioned the validity of missions and even the most elite among them would be assigned to rather demeaning tasks beneath their status if the contractor was willing to pay enough. And some of the highest prices were for things that the village wouldn’t even admit to doing.


She thought of Kakashi and his elite status. Why was he so famous and well respected in the village? Because he was the best assassin in Fire country. It wasn’t something she liked to dwell on, but it was the truth. It was why he was in every Bingo book in existence. For that and for stealing forbidden or unique jutsu, some of which were ancient clan secrets. The Bingo book was nothing more than a kill list of all the ninja who had done the most damage to other villages over the years, and nearly everywhere they went someone knew his name and/or wanted him dead. He must have done a lot in his career to earn such infamy. All of that was true, yet it was also true that he was one of the best people she knew and she loved him for who and not what he was.


She suddenly remembered what Itachi had said to her the night they had talked over tea; ‘You must have seen and done very little in service to your village to still believe such things.’ He had called her naïve for thinking everything about her side was good and right, and that everyone not on her side was wrong. He had been right as well. He had been a Leaf ANBU captain, and he knew things about what shinobi of Konoha were ordered to do more than she ever could. Just because she hadn’t participated in some of the darker and less noble aspects of shinobi duty, didn’t mean she could pretend that stuff didn’t exist, that some truly horrible things didn’t go on in those classified, unranked missions.


That led to the other reason ninja did what they did; to make themselves and their villages or organizations more powerful than the others and establish or maintain their own superiority. The missions that didn’t revolve around money were the ones deemed necessary to eliminate threats from outside. She had even heard of Daimyo being assassinated because they tried to interfere with the Hidden Villages.


But all of those things were the inner workings of Hidden Villages, and none of it was known outside the shinobi world. What about the people outside, those who weren’t involved with the Hidden Villages and their secret wars? To them, ninja were people to be feared. They ruled the underworld of society, moving through the shadows and making secret deals, doing the dark and dirty business no one else could do and get away with. Most people thought about all ninja like that, they didn’t distinguish the ‘good’ ones from the ‘bad’ ones because to them there was no difference. Was there really a difference? The Akatsuki were criminals. But from an outside perspective so was she. They all killed. They all stole and brought ruin to people. The only reason Konoha and other Hidden Villages were allowed to do the things they did by their respective countries was because the governments wanted them around to do their secret dirty work. That was really what separated criminal from non criminal, not the actions themselves because the actions were pretty much the same. Their motivations might differ slightly, but deeds were deeds, and to try and defend things based on motivation was as good as saying “the end justifies the means” and she knew that was never a valid excuse.


She had been so naïve.


Sakura sighed heavily and ran her fingers through her rain-dampened hair. Her mind was still racing, but somehow her heart was clear, and she felt as though a weight had been lifted from her conscience. She finally understood why she had felt so tormented over the last few weeks. She wasn’t a bad person. She wasn’t evil. She was simply human. They were all simply human. They all did what thy felt was right or necessary; they all followed paths that they believed in and were justified from their own perspective. There were people in the world who would look at her and judge her based on their limited knowledge and determine she was a despicable person who participated in criminal activity for no reason other than money or personal glory. They would think the same thing of all ninja, and they would be wrong in almost every case.


The reality of the world was not that simple. People and circumstances were not limited to good and evil, black and white. There were shades of grey that one couldn’t see until they looked deep enough. This was the answer to the questions she had been asking herself for a long time. Rather than becoming jaded, this epiphany had brought a calmness and peace to her mind. She could finally see what Naruto had always seen; that there was some good in almost everyone, and that was why he had always been such an advocate for helping and understanding people. She felt right within her own heart, and she knew that she would never look at the world the same way again.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


Several minutes had passed since she came outside. She looked at Kisame, who was still against the cliff wall with is face turned up to catch the falling raindrops. He was smiling. She smiled softly at the obvious enjoyment he got from doing such a thing. “You must love the rain,” she said softly.


He didn’t look at her. “I love all water,” he explained.


She nodded. That made sense from him. She turned her face to the sky as he had done. “The sky is always beautiful to me, no matter what the weather or what time of day. It reminds you of how much bigger the world is than yourself, and it’s always changing. And I love the rain. It’s peaceful. It makes everything new and fresh again.”


“It washes away your troubles. And your pain,” he said quietly.


She looked at him curiously. He had never said anything so profound and emotional in front of her before, though he still didn’t look her direction. After a moment she nodded and gave him an understanding smile. “Yeah,” she agreed softly, and returned her gaze to the stormy sky.


A few minutes later she heard a light crunching sound coming from behind her, and a moment later Tobi appeared at her side. He looked down at her, and she turned to face him with a curious look when he didn’t immediately speak.


“You’re not a bitch, Sakura-san. Deidara-senpai was wrong to say that to you,” he said quietly. She couldn’t see anything of his expression through the mask, but his tone was uncommonly serious. She blinked at him in surprise; first, because she had never heard him use profanity, and second, because she had definitely never heard him say anything contradictory about his teammate. There was far more to Tobi than he let on, and not for the first time she wondered if the simpleton act was just to throw people off.


He was wrong though, Deidara had been well within right to call her what he had because that’s exactly what she had acted like. Still, she was touched by the masked nin’s defense of her, and was taken aback by his sincerity. “Thanks,” she said softly, and she smiled up at him and squeezed his elbow gently. He simply nodded and a moment later walked off into the brush until he disappeared from view.


Tobi’s departure meant that Deidara was the only one in the cave at the moment, and she decided it would be a good time to go clear things up with him. She stood and straightened her cloak before slowly walking back into the cave. She didn’t see the smirk on Kisame’s face as he watched her walk away.


She made her way to the back of the cave, and saw Deidara was still sitting next to the fire, one elbow resting on his knee, his light blue eyes staring unfixed at the flames. He knew she was there, but he made no move to acknowledge her presence. She sat beside him in the same spot she had previously occupied and joined him in staring at the dancing flames. “You were right,” she said very softly after a moment.


He didn’t respond, so she continued in the same quiet tone. “Itachi said the same thing to me a while ago but I didn’t listen to him either. You are right; you know the truth of things because you’ve seen both sides. I couldn’t see the other side until I was brought into it and forced to look at things more closely. I got so angry because it’s something that’s been turning over in my mind for weeks and I didn’t know how to deal with it…I was afraid of what it might mean. I was foolish and stubborn and completely wrong. I’m sorry.”


He did look at her then, his pale eyes searching hers. “It’s alright,” he said quietly.


She smiled softly at him, feeling the last of her tension drain away. “Thank you.”


“For what?”


“For making me see the truth. I’d been working around it for some time now, but I was afraid to go through that last door because it meant accepting things about myself, and about all of you, that I didn’t want to accept. I felt like a bad person for liking you, and for…other things I’ve felt and done recently. I don’t anymore, so thank you.”


She didn’t catch the small downward turn of his brow when she’d alluded to ‘other things’. “…You’re welcome, yeah. And…I like you too. We all do I think. This situation is not at all what any of us expected to happen, yeah,” he said quietly, giving her a small, slightly forced smile.


She nodded in understanding. It comforted her that they felt the way she did, even though it complicated things even more. “Also…I’m sorry…for what I said about you. I didn’t mean it. You’re a good person, Deidara.”


He looked slightly taken aback. No one had ever said he was a good person before. He just nodded slightly in acceptance, not really knowing how to respond. A moment later he finally spoke. “You know, I’ve never done anything like that…blown up an entire city full of innocent people. I only bluffed it with the Kazekage because I knew he wouldn’t let it happen. And even thought we may kill people with less provocation, and some of us are worse than others, the Akatsuki don’t go around terrorizing people for fun, yeah.” His tone wasn’t reproving, he just wanted her to know.


She did know, because she’d spent the last three years doing nothing but track the movements of their organization, and he wasn’t lying. They didn’t target anyone who couldn’t cause problems for their goals, and they didn’t bother with civilians at all. Most of their efforts were put into coercing already corrupt politicians and hunting down Jinchuuriki. They were nowhere near as evil as Orochimaru and his vile projects and experiments.


“I know, you don’t have to explain,” she nodded.


He shifted his position a little. “And…I’m sorry too. For calling you those things. I just got angry, yeah.”


She shrugged. “It’s ok. You were totally right; I was being a hypocritical bitch.”


She smirked, and he returned it. Then, her smirk widened into a smile and so did his, and soon they were both laughing at the whole ordeal.


It had been at least two hours since they’d taken refuge from the rain in this cave, and the storm was finally dying out. After several minutes of comfortable silence around the fire, the two reconciled ninja turned their heads at the sounds of footsteps. Kisame and Tobi had come back in, and with them was Itachi.


His cloak and hair were only slightly damp, and she figured he must have waited for the worst of the storm to pass before coming to find them. Her eyes met his, and she felt that same magnetic pull that she always felt when looking into those beautiful orbs. Especially when they were dark, like now. She’d noticed that he was using the Sharingan less, especially now that they were away from populated areas, and it pleased her that he was taking her advice.


He didn’t turn away this time, and she had to pull her eyes from his after several moments before the heat and intensity of them made her blush.


It was quiet for most of the remaining evening. They all shared a small dinner and listened to the remnants of the storm dripping outside the artificial cave entrance. With nothing else to do and no one feeling much like talking, they all wound up turning in early, and Sakura lay down near the dying fire between Tobi and Deidara as close as she dared and thought they would allow for extra warmth. Kisame was bigger and thus provided more heat, but he snored and was rather scary to look at up close. And Itachi…well, considering everything, sleeping next to him was out of the question.


She could feel his eyes on her from his position at the cave entrance as he kept watch, but she resisted looking his way. She yawned and pressed her back against Deidara’s for more warmth, pulled the collar of her cloak up under her chin and tried her best to fall asleep, completely missing the fact that the blonde was still awake and that a tiny smile graced his lips when she curled against him.


She also missed the way Itachi’s eyes glinted in the darkness as he saw the entire thing.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


Two days later they reached the final base where they would wait for Naruto and her team, and possibly Sasuke, to find them.


This particular Akatsuki hideout was high up in the mountains, and it was bitterly cold and windy. It was an old abandoned military fort, cut directly into the mountainside with a stonework façade. There were only two or three windows in the entire structure that she could see. It was old and imposing and fit right in with the sense of foreboding that Sakura felt.


They entered the base and settled in. Sakura was given her own room with a fairly large bed, an antiquated coal furnace in the corner for heat and a small writing desk, though as she had already guessed, there was no window. Everything ran on kerosene and coal, no electricity and no wood fires since there was no wood to be found at this elevation. There was an underground training area, a large kitchen with a well stocked pantry, and a common room full of dusty furniture, a broken billiards table, and shelves of dilapidated and crumbling books. She didn’t explore the soldiers’ quarters or dining hall since the entire facility was incredibly drafty and those areas were especially cold due to their large size.


This was it. There would be no more running, no more marked trails and no more avoiding the fact that very soon now, there would be a major fight here that was sure to leave more than one person dead. She couldn’t bring herself to be excited about her rescue. If it went according to plan like she assumed they were told, they would try to capture or kill the Akatsuki, but the main priority would be to get her and Naruto out of harm’s way even if it meant letting them get away. But if the Akatsuki had their way, Naruto would end up captured, Sasuke would end up dead, and whoever tried to interfere with those two goals would be killed as well.


Did that include her? Most likely it did. They admitted to having a sort of fondness for her, but they wouldn’t let it interfere with their mission anymore than she would let her fondness for them keep her from protecting her precious people. She would fight against them, but it would be hard, something she hadn’t counted on when she was making her original plans. She was starting to care about these people, and she didn’t like the thought of the two sides fighting and killing each other. She was torn, straddling the fence, and though she would always choose the side of her teammates, she couldn’t help but wish for a way out of this.


There was no way out. The Akatsuki would never back down in their efforts to get Naruto. They were under orders, and to go against them would result in severe punishment. They weren’t going to put their lives at stake for her, no matter how much they had come to like her. Her team would never back off from trying to save her, they would never give up and they would put their lives at stake for her, over and over again until they got her back. As for Itachi and Sasuke, that confrontation was bound to happen no matter what. In the end, one of them would die. That was all there was to it. There was no getting out of this, no matter how much she wished for a way to save them all and just go home. It would all come to an end, and soon. All she could do was wait.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


A/N: Sorry there wasn’t a whole lot of ItaSaku this time, but the stuff in this chapter was very important because it’s really the underlying theme for the whole fic. A person’s perception, the way they view the world and the people in it, is really just a matter of what side you stand on. In then end, we’re all simply human.


Lots more ItaSaku in the next chapter, I promise it will be good!