Fade In

Fade In

Chapter Twelve – Thoughts

…

“Sakura…Sakura…don’t cry…”

“…Haha-ue…Chichi-ue…”

Lost in dreams, lost in what once was and could no longer be, Sakura slept on, floating between and among those shimmering memories of days long past. She wasn’t aware of the smooth trickle of tears that escaped the corner of her eyes, quietly landing on the soft pillow beneath her. Sakura never realized that in sleep she silently cried. Cried for all the times when she couldn’t. Cried for all the times when she wouldn’t allow herself, even if the pain came hard and deep and added another hit to her already wounded heart.

…

A roll of thunder and soon heavy, constant drops of rain were falling, drenching trees and rooftops, weaving through strands of pink hair and gliding down pale skin. Sakura absently stared at her knuckles, watching as the rain mixed with and washed away the blood, cleaned the raw and torn skin. Clenching her hands into fists, she started again on the abused wooden training post in a secluded area on the training grounds. Half of it was already gone. Bits and pieces were scattered all around her, stained with small flecks of blood.

But still she continued. Soaked completely through, she couldn’t even feel the pain anymore, so far gone she already was. The harsh thumps and whooshes of flying punches echoed and entwined with the sound of rain falling all around her until the wooden post snapped in half and Sakura was hitting nothing but drops of water.

How long had she been out here? She couldn’t really remember. The place she called home, but never felt like home, had become too stifling and suffocating all of a sudden. The air too thick that she found it hard to breathe. One moment she was in her empty apartment and the next she was under a gray clouded sky with weeping trees surrounding her. Maybe it had something to do with the way her life was careening off its axis once again. Maybe it had something to do with a team that was no longer a team. Maybe it had something to do with the sadistic devil disguised as a cruelly handsome man. Maybe it was everything and nothing and how uncontrollable all that was.

She brought a bloody hand to her chest and fell to her knees onto the wet grass. It was all just…too much. Akai. Naruto. Sasuke. It made her angry and frustrated. Sad. Torn. Dredged up memories too many to name.

She was supposed to be a callous ANBU squad captain. An assassin. A taker of lives. Emotionless because that was the only way to survive as a shinobi, the only armor that protected a ninja from getting in too deep, from getting caught in the web of guilt and self loathing. She took missions for money, to ensure the well being of her village and even brushed death’s hand while doing so. She’d been tortured and scarred. Loved and been loved. And there was a time when she had hoped, had faith that everything would be okay, but even those powerful words had turned into empty shells of false comfort.

Sakura fell back onto the grass, uncaring of the rain that fell all around her. Head lolling to the side, she stared unseeingly into the trees. The world was spinning and she was falling. The past was catching up and she had nowhere to hide. When would she stop running? When would her promises be carried out? When would she find peace within her?

And before she could stop herself or maybe she had never really wanted to in the first place, she opened her mouth and shouted, screamed everything out because it had all become a ticking time bomb inside of her, threatening to blow from the inside out if she waited a second longer. She yelled herself hoarse, until her voice cracked and broke and hurt, until she couldn’t breathe and was forced to suck in precious air while choking on rainwater. Sudden exhaustion overtook her body and like a limp rag doll lying forgotten, she remained unmoving, uncaring.

“You’re still weak Sakura…still running away…when will you stop and face yourself…?” She whispered as she closed her jade eyes and lost herself to the rhythmic thrum of beating rain.

…

“…Kakashi…lie to me and tell me everything’s going to be okay.”

He smiled. “Everything’s going to be okay.”

She reached for his hand and brought it to her chest. “You won’t leave me right?” She turned painful, saddened eyes on him.

Kakashi leaned forward in the hospital chair and swept her unruly pink locks behind an ear, lingering a dangerous second longer as his fingertips brushed the side of her face.

Viridian eyes snapped open as Sakura instantly went for her weapons holster normally strapped to her thigh, only to find that it wasn’t there. She glanced around her, letting herself relax when she realized she was in her apartment. Strange, she didn’t remember coming back. And then Sakura looked down at herself and the large button up shirt she wore. Or changing. She then noticed the fresh bandages wrapped around her torn knuckles. The only question was who.

Slipping off the comfortable couch and cast in the dim light of the room, she made her way towards the kitchen where the only sound could be heard. Within moments she was leaning against the archway that led in, watching her former sensei drop some take out into the pretty little plates she never used.

“Hungry?” He asked, throwing her a carefree smile.

Her stomach decided to growl then, soon followed by a small, embarrassed blush that dusted her pale cheeks. “I guess so.”

They made their way back into the living room, Kakashi easily balancing the plates in his hands as he followed her through the dim lighting. And it wasn’t long afterwards that they were sitting around the cherry wood coffee table and silently picking at the food. Sakura placed a piece of tofu in her mouth and absently chewed, occasionally glancing at Kakashi who had, like always, whipped out a volume of Icha Icha and sat eating behind it.

She remembered nights when they would eat in silence, so very much like this, but something more hung in the air tonight. Usually it’d simply be companionable quietude, each enjoying the presence of the other. It kept the loneliness at bay, at a safe distance far far away from their reality. But tonight, there was a tenseness that permeated the space, a rift that was slowly getting larger and larger between them.

She assumed he was the one who changed her, but that wasn’t the problem. He’d already seen her naked (it’d been an accident) before so what use was there for modesty? No, that wasn’t it.

“Why?” Sakura whispered, placing her chopsticks down and looking at him or rather the book that covered his face.

“Are you making it a habit to pass out in the rain?”

She opened her mouth, closed it the next. Why couldn’t he ever just answer the question? She knew he knew what she meant. “You didn’t have to.”

Kakashi lowered the book and snapped it shut. He’d already finished his meal, chopsticks resting on the plate as he pinned her with an unreadable gaze. “What kind of gentleman would I be if I didn’t help a lady out?”

“I was fine.” Sakura replied, bringing her knees up to hug them tightly and no longer in the mood to eat.

“You’re a horrible liar.”


“And here I thought I was getting better.” She commented dryly, tossing him a cursory glance before staring out the sliding glass door that led out to the balcony of her apartment.

Kakashi stretched, a few bones popped, and he settled for leaning against the couch from his position on the carpeted floor. “I’m willing to listen Sakura.”

“Are you willing to wait?”

“One can only wait for so long.”

She glanced at him again, this time with a tormented and indecisive look in her green eyes. Would she ever invite him into her thoughts like she used to? Kakashi didn’t want her to turn out like him, but he could already see it happening. Staring at names engraved in stone, reliving a past gone horribly wrong, drowning in loneliness and too afraid to get close to others. Sakura didn’t deserve that. She didn’t deserve a self-induced torment, a constant painful reminder of things that in the end, were doomed to failure. She shouldn’t be made to suffer the plaguing memories of hideous things and heartbreaking things that no amount of wishing could change. No, Sakura didn’t deserve that, no matter what she thought.

“Sakura…”

She shuddered. She looked so small right then, bathed in moonlight, so insecure and vulnerable that it momentarily took his breath away. It’d been such a long time since he seen her like this.

“Can I come closer Kakashi?”

He didn’t understand her request at first, not until she started crawling towards him. A part of him didn’t think it a good idea when she grabbed his hand, the memory of her waking up from a nightmare in the bakery and shouting ‘Don’t touch me’ not lost to him. But she moved closer still, his large hand tightly clutched in hers and resting in her lap, and leaning her head on his shoulder, allowed her body to let go.

“Can…can we stay like this for a little while?”

Was it wise to do so, to give into the closeness and the warmth? Kakashi responded by gently squeezing her hand. Maybe it wasn’t wise, but it was worth it.

Human contact, even just a little, was important for her. For them. It was an affirmation of their existence…sometimes even a desperate craving. It was a way to assure themselves that they were indeed human and very much alive and not just shinobi on a mission. They too loved and lost. Hoped and dreamed, however fleeting it was.

And as Kakashi relaxed and inhaled her sweet scent, he wondered if he’d ever find the courage to tell her he loved her…had loved her for the longest of times and through the toughest of times. And he wondered if she felt the same. That somewhere in that scarred and broken heart of hers’ she loved him too, but was just too deathly afraid to acknowledge it. Because once a person acknowledged it, like he had, it had its own form of sweet torture.

How much more could he take of having her but not really having, her? How much longer could he deny himself the soft feel of her skin, moments like these that were few and far between?

‘For as long as I can…’ He’d be there, but he wouldn’t push her. To be honest with himself, if things went astray, he’d rather have these moments than nothing at all.

…

“We don’t stand a chance.”

Kano tossed Aki a look that clearly told him to quit stating the obvious. The slightly older shinobi was well aware of that little fact. It’d been hounding him ever since he heard the news while walking through the crowded market streets of Konoha the day after their return from Getsugakure. And it’d been confirmed when he spotted the infamous blonde enthusiastically conversing with Inuzuka Kiba.

The Godaime had given them time off from their ANBU duties and as bent as he was on enjoying some leisure time before she decided to thrust them into another classified mission, he couldn’t help that trickle of anxiety. Their captain’s old teammates were back so where did it leave them?

He ignored his friend’s pessimistic sigh and grumbling as they sat in a small restaurant, steaming cups of tea resting idly before them on the table. Even though it was a beautiful autumn day after yesterday’s thunderstorm, neither one of them felt like sunshine and roses. They had both shucked their ANBU gear in favor of the standard shinobi pants and long sleeved shirts to keep out the chill.

Aki leaned forward suddenly. “Let’s ambush them, stuff them into sacks, and throw them over the Hokage Mountain.”

“You’re not serious are you?” Kano raised a dark brow, disbelieving.

“Absolutely serious.”

The golden-eyed ninja had the sudden urge to smack Aki upside the head. “Absolutely delusional. We may be ANBU, but they’re Uzumaki Naruto and Uchiha Sasuke.”

Aki deflated and sagged in his side of the booth. “Point well taken.”

Their food arrived shortly thereafter, but their moods were still somber. Would Sakura leave them to rejoin her old team? Would she throw them aside and try to fix the broken links with her very first teammates? They knew she had once been very close to the Kyuubi container and the Sharingan user. They knew she had a penchant for drifting in the past too.

Inevitably, they had both grown attached to her. To their captain’s blunt ways, her hard training sessions and her even harder punches. She was strong, in mind, body, and soul. A survivor and a brilliant medic with a soothing touch. She was a beautiful kunoichi with a tragic past that they often wished she’d let go.

For two years, they’d been with her, been her other sets of eyes and ears on countless dangerous missions. They’d all saved each other at some point in time, offered companionship in the cold darkness of a cave or under the thin branches of a tree while it snowed. They loved her in a sense that she was family, an older sister Kano never had and Aki had lost a long time ago.

“Is it selfish of us to want to keep her?” Kano asked. He no longer had an appetite.

Aki’s blue violet eyes stared unseeingly at his plate of food. “You think she’ll leave us?” He answered with his own question.

“Who’s ‘she’?”

They both jumped, startled out of their depressing thoughts by their captain who’d appeared out of nowhere.

“And you both call yourselves ANBU.” Sakura rolled her eyes. She had forgone her ANBU uniform, dressing in standard jounin gear minus the vest, the outfit formfitting and comfortable.

Kano scooted down the cushioned booth seat and cast a glance at Sakura as she took her spot beside him. “Are you eating that?” She motioned towards the untouched plate.

He shook his head before leaning into the palm of his hand.

“Good cause I’m famished!” She pulled the food towards her and immediately started to dig in, stuffing her mouth till it could barely close. Bits and pieces occasionally flew from her mouth as she continued to eat.

Aki laughed. “That’s a little gross Sakura. Might want to slow down before you choke.”

“Shumf umph.” Their pink haired captain said through her mouthful before she stole his cup of tea and quickly drank it to wash down the food.

But Kano and Aki once again fell into a desolate silence.

“You’re both idiots.” Sakura said quietly, pushing the now empty plate away from her. She felt a little sick now. Maybe she shouldn’t have eaten so fast, but damn she’d been hungry after hardly eating anything at all yesterday.

“Yes we are.” Aki breathed with a frown.

Releasing a pent up sigh, Sakura let a smile touch her lips. “Remember that mission to Grass Country? I’d been impaled by a sword, told you two to get the hell out of the compound but both of you refused to leave me?”

“You even threw a kunai at me.” Kano fondly reminisced. She was always such a stubborn woman.

“Yeah.” She laughed.

But Aki didn’t feel like reminiscing about past missions. He didn’t want to wait and see if she was going to tell them they’d be getting a new captain tomorrow. He didn’t want to hear her say farewell and good luck and don’t die and take care. He’d heard it all once before, almost cracked under the weight of it, who was to say he could handle it a second time?

“Captain…” Aki looked at her with pleading eyes. Stay.

“I’m not going anywhere. Didn’t I say you two couldn’t get rid of me, no matter how hard you try?” Sakura shifted her gaze to the empty contents of the tea cup, circling the rim with a finger. “Yes, Naruto and Sasuke are back but that doesn’t mean I’d drop the both of you for them.” She tsked. “You two should know me better than that.”

Relief washed over them and a small sense of guilt along with it.

“We just figured—”

“That I’d want to rehash Team Seven’s very dysfunctional relationship?” Sakura shook her head, lips shaped into a rueful imitation of a smile. “There was a time when I would’ve given everything to do so. But it’s too late and too far gone for that now. You’re my team so stop with the depressing crap already and be happy.”

“Sorry for our foolishness Sakura. I guess we still kind of suck at controlling our emotions.” Kano scratched the back of his head, a tad bit embarrassed.

“Yeah, don’t we all.” She murmured, reaching over and taking Kano’s teacup and downing the contents of that too.

“Oh and Captain?” Aki grinned, fears finally put to rest.

“What?”

“You’ve got some spinach stuck in your teeth.”

“And now you tell me this!?” Sakura narrowed her eyes at the sienna haired ninja and was tempted to throw the cup at his stupid laughing head until she heard Kano’s deep chuckle beside her. So she smacked him on the shoulder instead since he was closer and try as she might, Sakura couldn’t keep her own laughter from slipping and mingling with theirs.

…

Once again night had fallen and cloaked Konoha in shadow. But it was a clear night, one that allowed the stars to peek through and the crescent moon to glow a luminescent white as it sat among the small dots of neon. There was a gentle breeze in the air tonight, bringing with it a slight chill, whispering of winter that wasn’t too far behind.

It all calmed her, sent a soothing rumble of content down to the tips of her fingers and toes. Watching the stars from the very top of the Hokage Mountain always did that. It was her place of sanctuary, a space apart from ANBU and everything that title entailed.

In a span of two days, Sakura had figured a lot out…about herself and the place she was at in her life.

She’d woken up in her bed this morning with no Kakashi in sight and it had struck her that she’d been saddened by the fact. But she knew he had stayed for a little while to keep her sleeping form company by the barely there indent in the pillow beside her and his masculine scent that lingered on the sheets. Sakura didn’t know how long she lay there, all she knew was that he had stayed. And the emotions that one thought had invoked were enough to make her heart skip a beat and plummet all at once.

He’d always been there for her. And what did she have to show for it? Hardly anything at all. Guilt had wracked her body. So often she used him as a crutch, as a shoulder to lean on when she reduced herself to a pathetic and undignified mess. And yet he never once turned away from her. It was more the other way around. She more or less used him, took her former sensei for granted and it both shamed and disgusted her for doing so.

But Sakura didn’t want Kakashi caught in the tangled web of her own making. She didn’t want him involved with her own troubles because undoubtedly, they’d become his and she honestly didn’t want that. Oh she knew it wasn’t fair to him, far from it. They’d been through thick and thin with each other. She at the very least owed him some kind of explanation for her down and out attitude after Getsugakure. And Sakura knew that her former sensei suspected something was amiss, something that didn’t concern Sasuke and Naruto’s surprise return.

She wouldn’t delude herself and say that it didn’t hurt to keep things from him though. It left a hole whenever she kept secrets from him. Years ago she’d talk him deaf, lay out all her thoughts on the table and go through each and every one. But she couldn’t find it within herself to tell him about Akai and the promise she made to her two dying teammates who taught her what ANBU was all about from the inside out. Akai was something she needed to finish on her own. So, she couldn’t allow her tongue to slip loose and let Kakashi or any one of her boys for that matter know that any day now, she would be in one hell of a fight and might not come back alive. For real this time.

And maybe she was hurting them by protecting them but damn it, Sakura didn’t give a shit about that. It was better they not know anything regarding the matter at all, that way there’d be no interference. As long as those she loved…Kakashi…were safe due to their lack of knowledge, then so be it. She’d deal with the consequences of her choices later if she was still alive and breathing. She’d take the heat from all of them later if she weren’t basking in hell by then. And for now, she’d ignore the regret and the pain slowly filling her chest.

Sakura saw a shooting star fly across the indigo sky and fade into the far reaches of the distant horizon.

Make a wish Sakura…

A barely there smile flitted along the curve of her lips as she did so, wondering if it’d ever be granted and whether or not this was just a waste of breath and thought. She moved to sit on the ground, letting her legs dangle off the edge and into the Third’s hair.

And she hadn’t forgotten about her near meltdown concerning the other two members of her first team. She’d said a lot of things to them that had been eating away at her and while she did feel lighter, it hadn’t been enough.

Maybe a few years ago things would’ve been different. She probably would’ve had more of a heart for forgiveness, more understanding. It wasn’t that she didn’t care for Naruto and Sasuke, she did and still did, but it was the feeling of being left behind one too many times that hurt the most. Sasuke had hurt, but to have the both of them leave her, that had hurt beyond measure. They were her brothers, her teammates, and her lifesavers. They had been there for her and she for them.

Sakura had held Sasuke as he almost died in her arms after his end it all battle with Itachi. She tended his gaping wounds, whispered threats of castration if he decided to die, not when they had just found him. And Naruto, that idiot Naruto had jumped into the fray and almost got himself killed in the final battle against the remaining members of Akatsuki. He’d very nearly let the Kyuubi take complete control in his desperate attempt to save everyone. She had been forced to land a few chakra laden punches just to get him to come back to them, crying and sobbing as she tried to knock some sense into him.

And she hadn’t, and wouldn’t any time soon either, forget what they too had done for her. It was because of Sasuke and Naruto that she got stronger and better. It was because of them that she woke up every morning and got the crap beat out of her by Tsunade. It was because they saw her as a crying, weak and terribly lacking girl that she felt a need to prove herself that she wasn’t and that she didn’t need them to save her.

For a time they had been a family that clicked in all the right places. And when that fell apart, it couldn’t be fixed, no matter how each of them tried. When Sasuke and Naruto left, that had been the flame that licked the bomb and as everything exploded into a million jagged pieces. Perhaps somewhere along the way, after they had left Konoha, she had given up. It was a little while later that she realized she’d forever be a third wheel when it came to them. An outsider trying to get in. Sakura would never have the same bond with them, a bond that mirrored Naruto and Sasuke’s. It certainly took time to swallow that down, but she did because she had no choice.

In the end, they were as much a part of her past as she was theirs. And what of the present? The future? They couldn’t go back to what they once had. It was impossible because that bridge had long since burned. She had a new team now and she’d be damned if she was going to throw them to the side just because Naruto and Sasuke were back.

So many things were different now. So many things had happened. Feelings had changed, lives had changed and despite the plethora of emotions swirling like a dangerous cyclone inside her, she would accept more because change was inevitable. Her life was never so simple anyway. Peace was fleeting and blood was imminent. Death was at her doorstep and life the first rays of sunlight. She had nowhere to hide in the aftermath, was tired of it and looking in the mirror earlier only confirmed it. Dark circles, pale, distant eyes flecked with pain and guilt, a rat nest for hair. It was an image she didn’t enjoy at all and it even scared her a little. She never looked this bad even on long and difficult missions.

Suffice to say, after spending some time with her ANBU team and taking a quiet stroll through the market packed with villagers and vendors, she’d been able to find more of herself. From there, Sakura had watched the sun sink into the horizon from atop the Hokage Mountain, something she’d taken to whenever she found the time. The pink haired kunoichi hadn’t left her spot overlooking the village since.

There was one thing she needed to do though. It sang in her blood and wouldn’t allow her rest until completed. Call it an itch that needed to be scratched or maybe a means to an end. But she needed it, more than she could fully comprehend. So standing up and dusting herself off, she took a few steps back and bolted off the edge of the mountain. This was the quickest way to get to the bottom after all and definitely more fun.

Cold biting air swept past her as she fell the distance with a rush of adrenaline. She sent a wave at Tsunade, apologized to the Third for getting in his hair and said goodnight to the First, Second and Fourth. Before she hit the bottom, Sakura disappeared in a whirlwind of blossoms.

No more running Sakura…

…to be continued…

A/N: Sorry for the long wait. More of a transition chapter than anything as I felt it was necessary for her. Oh and I’d like to thank everyone once again for the overwhelming response to the last chapter. I really enjoyed reading each and every one of the reviews.

-hasu86