Red

Teal eyes fluttered open and blinked a couple of times, trying to get a bearing of the surroundings only to find the room pitch black. Not even slightly darker shadows in the blackness to indicate objects, furniture..



Monsters hiding in the dark...



But still...



It felt familiar, Gaara knew he should be startled. Afraid on some level. But he wasn’t. He knew he was alone in the dark, he was the only monster in the room. And when he reached out with his chakra. That shooting sound of crawling sand filled his ears and calmed him.



Someone had brought him his sand..



But who? He slumped back into the soft pillows, closing his eyes. He didn’t want to wake up..

Not yet. He knew where he was. There was no doubt about it. So he just called his sand closer and let it flutter over his skin as it covered him in a thin layer, sealing shut over his skin protecting him from the world as he once again was covered from top to toe in his armor.





Maybe it was the smell.



Or maybe it was all those little noises in the dark. The ones that you really don’t pay attention too, but that you would notice on some subconscious level if they stopped.



But he knew where he was.



The soft humming of the city just outside the window. The annoying cat that always sang it’s nightly serenade in the middle of the night. And for the first time Gaara appreciated the little creature for letting him know the time, before he made a very small, but very important note to deal with the critter when he felt like moving out of his comfy nest of sheets and pillows.



Not yet.. not tonight.



He was in his room, in his own damned room in The Snakes’ lair. He groaned in pain from a sting to his backside that he refused to acknowledge when he rolled over to reach for the little white switch on his night stand lamp. He knew exactly where it was, how far he had to stretch to reach it, and how hard he had to tug the cord to get the little switch to him. He’d done it a million times before, but never had the small gesture hurt so damned much.



Little red lines were still visible on his skin through the thin layer of sand. And it took all he got to keep from rubbing at them. Rubbing at them meant to acknowledge them. And Gaara didn’t feel ready to do that yet.. Maybe if he was lucky his sand would heal them the next time he woke. He didn’t want anyone to know how much it bothered him. What Sasuke had done.. and he definitely didn’t want anyone to know that he had been so weak, too weak to protect himself.



In a way, it wasn’t Sasuke’s fault, in a way.. it was all his own fault. Or..Gaara sighed as he laid carefully back in his bed, snuggling closer into his pillows, calling the rest of his sand to him, to create a shell around his bed, shutting out the little noises. Only the little trickle of sandy grains, his own heart, breath and thoughts echoing in his little haven.



His head felt like it was about to explode, or implode... Gaara wasn’t too sure, but it hurt worse than ever, even worse than when he woke up in the hospital..



It felt more like it was his own fault, even if he knew that it wasn’t. It still felt like that. He was the one that had came here.. looking for answers. He was the one that had offered his body to Sasuke in the first place...it was only that.. he had changed his mind. A pressure behind his eyes that didn’t have anything to do with the headache made him rub at his eyes, trying desperately to will the tears back.



It was all so damn confusing. He didn’t know if he was supposed to be angry? Scared? Sad? He felt so tired, too tired to care right now. He would hurt Sasuke later. Even if he did give him his memories back, like he promised.



Gaara didn’t understand that. He was sure that he would never be able to return from that absolute despair he had felt when Sasuke had shredded his mind. But Sasuke had brought him back.. Why? Even when Sasuke must have known that Gaara would try to kill him when he felt better. Why?



Gaara tried to close his eyes to sleep. But when he curled his body up in a fetal position, he could smell Sasuke, sweat and cum on his skin. He felt so dirty, a dirty that would never be clean again. His whole body tainted by the raven’s touch, and his own pleasure. Fuck! He uncurled and rolled over to his back, closing his eyes again. He should go take a shower, a bath.. or rasp his skin off with sand.



Even as he laid there staring into darkness, vivid images of his past dancing on the black canvas, a single person’s bright smile overshone it all. He had gotten all the answers he had wanted, but it all faded in comparison to what he had lost gaining them.



Kakashi.. Would Kakashi want him now? Now that he was dirty?



No.. he couldn’t let Kakashi touch him. Kakashi deserved better. And besides.. Kakashi wouldn’t want a killer. A monster like him. No... besides, it wouldn’t be fair to the doctor. Kakashi deserved someone better than him. Someone worthy love.



And Gaara wasn’t.. all that pain, violence and death. Kakashi shouldn’t have to deal with that. It was Gaara’s burden, Gaara’s burden alone, and he would not pull Kakashi down with him. Into this little hole filled with nothing but shit and filth.



Gaara had found his long lost soul in the silver haired man, and now he would have to let him go so that he could save himself. Kakashi didn’t need all the shit Gaara had in his head... in his life, in his past. It would be to selfish to pull the silver haired angel with him into that. Even if it meant killing the last shred of light Gaara had inside to do so.



A little sob threatened to break his silence, but he swallowed it back down. Refusing to cry like some three year old child after losing it’s favourite toy. But then again, what Kakashi meant to Gaara was far more than that..



Gaara had fallen in love.. for the first time in his life. His heart burned, and he wasn’t sure he would survive breaking it. Sasuke sure as hell wouldn’t.

************************************************'















Kakashi stood in the shadow of the gigantic building looming over him, a shiver made his body twitch slightly, not from cold, but from something else completely. And he had to take several deep breaths to calm his breathing.



‘This is so stupid..’ Just to stand in the shadow made his blood run cold, pumping faster into his muscles, making him ready to run for it.. and he felt how his eyes had widened. Every nerve on edge, oh yeah.. just to stand here had activated his fight or flight instinct.. or, his flight anyways. He had no illusions to come here to fight. Not when just the shadow felt heavy on him, like the building itself was alive, watching him like some predator.



‘Fuck.. so, so, so stupid..how the hell am I going to survive going inside, when standing outside makes me feel like this?’ He had to swallow hard before he took an uncertain step towards the large double doors at the front.



Knowing someone with a gun was probably watching him, he held his hands in front of him, palms out showing that he was unarmed before he lifted his shirt oh-so- slowly, turning around to show that he wasn’t hiding anything there either. He felt stupid, but the last thing he wanted was to be shot before he even got through the door.



Not that he really wanted to get through the door. He just wanted to take a peek inside, and look for his lover. But he somehow doubted that he could get “just a peek.”



It was a strange thing, love.. and all the foolish things it could make people do. Like entering The Snake’s lair willingly. Kakashi had never dreamed that losing someone could hurt so much. Hurt enough to make him compromise his own safety, just in search for answers. But Kakashi had a feeling that he would find his lost sandman here. And if not.. well, he sighed as he looked for a doorbell. He could only frown when he didn’t see any.



It had been two weeks since Gaara had told him he loved him before he headed out for a walk. The moment the redhead had closed the door behind him, an unsettling feeling had jabbed itself into Kakashi’s stomach. He had known, fucking known! That something was wrong, that he should go after the boy and force him to come back to bed and never let him go again. But he hadn’t... he had just rolled over and ignored the feeling. Told himself that he was being paranoid. ‘fuck..’



And the anxiety that had settled deep into his very core when Gaara had failed to return that night. It had been horrible, and that angst had just kept on growing with every “no” when he asked around for him and with every new sunrise to cast a golden crust around the silent sea outside his window, without a Gaara to cuddle into.



His bed felt too big..



He had taken to sit in the windowsill and just stare out over the beach in the mornings, clutching his coffee. Hoping to see a familiar tuft of red hair, only to end up crying himself to sleep at night when his angel had failed to return yet a day. Until the first week had passed that was.



This last week, he had just felt numb.





He had looked everywhere, every beach, every hospital, every jail and every damned psych ward in town had been checked. And he had walked up and down endless streets , and endless back streets of the bustling city, asking around for a red headed boy with the kanji for love on his forehead. Getting lost more than once..



Not surprisingly, no one had seen the boy. And Kakashi hadn’t failed to notice how fear danced behind the eyes of some, while others had gotten angry and threatened with bodily harm if he didn’t stop asking around with questions like that. But they all had one thing in common, no one had anything helpful to give him.



Kakashi nearly jumped out from his skin when the large double doors suddenly opened, a boy, no, a man standing in the doorway staring at him with a smirk tugging at his lips...something that looked like a long assed needle in his mouth. he raised his eyebrows and snickered slightly. Probably from the shocked expression on Kakashi’s face.



“Yeah?”



“Huh?” Kakashi was so utterly shocked that someone had just opened the door like that, he didn’t know what he had expected exactly, but he was pretty sure instant pain had been one of them. Not this smiling face. Even if it was a mocking smile, and Kakashi knew for sure that he wasn’t safe.. not yet. But the day was looking up. No broken noses yet..



The man shook his head, a little chuckle coming from him as he rolled the senbon from one side to the other. “You’re the one that came knocking on my door.. so, I’m assuming you have a reason to do something as stupid as that, or maybe you just have a death wish?”



“Ah.. no, haha, no death wish. I was actually looking for someone. Gaara.. is he here?”



The man frowned before he took a step back, motioning for Kakashi to step inside. “And why would you want to talk with Gaara if you don’t have a death wish?” Kakashi swallowed his breath as he was suddenly shoved harshly against the wall, before the man started patting him down to check for guns and probably wires. Doing a very thorough job at his ass area.



“Fuck, I-I just want to make sure he’s ok.. that’s all.”



“You know.. I’ve heard some pretty stupid excuses to come in here over the years from people that get turned on by pain and fear. Are you one of those people...” The man fished his wallet out from his pocket and checked his I.D. “..Kakashi Hatake?”



“N-No.. I swear, I’m here for Gaara..”



“I’m not so sure that I believe you Kakashi.. You know, we can give you exactly what you want.... Kakashi..” The man stepped in close to his back, whispering into his ear while he massaged Kakashi’s ass. “So much pain, and I can smell your fear seeping from you already.”



“No!.. I just want to talk to Gaara, please..Please.. I just want to talk to Gaara.”



“Persistent little bugger huh?” The man took a hold in Kakashi’s hair and used the hold to whirl him into the room.



“Has anyone seen Gaara today? He has someone here to see him.” The man laughed before he walked past Kakashi’s hunched form sitting on the floor, looking down. This was definetly not going to well anymore.



Well at least it seemed that they knew where Gaara was