Bitch Nights

A/N: Hey, guys! I’m so damn sorry it’s been so long, I really am. I checked my author’s page on a whim and nearly died of shame when I saw the date of my last update. Here’s hoping no one’s completely abandoned me . . .

This chapter is solely dedicated to Leeana69, who is both a wonderful writer, and an awesome fangirl, and I can only hope she feels the same way for me. If you haven’t read her stuff, GO!!! Start with ‘Salty Cravings.’ Yum.

However, additional thanks goes to my super support staff: Admiral ShadowWolf, Feion_Phylar, Aini, Princess Koriand’r, Raithe and Shiruy, all of whom also have fics on this site that you guys need to go read. Oh, and my 2 year old daughter, Kelsa. There’s just something inspiring about watching her run around the house wearing my spare Konoha hitai-ate . . .

In any case-on to the chapter!


Chapter 12

Sakura leaned against her locker, exhausted beyond anything she'd felt before. She could only thank Kami that Kakashi had decided to focus the day's training on taijutsu rather than ninjutsu, because she'd have collapsed long ago.

Four hours in surgery-she was officially asking for a day off tomorrow.

It was still 'technically' unconfirmed whether the enemy nin responsible for decimating their ranks was Kabuto, but she'd recognized the feel of his chakra on her first patient. Untwisting and restoring the damaged organs was both delicate and time consuming, and she'd thanked Kami when Tsunade managed to create a new counter-technique that reversed most of the displacement. It eliminated the need for open surgery, though they still had to repair the damage to the organs.

Sakura sneaked a peek at her partner. Sasuke sat on a bench in front of her, his fatigue showing in the uncharacteristic slump of his shoulders and bowed head.

It galled her to admit it, but he'd been . . . well, incredible. While surgical procedures weren't her favorite section of medicine, she'd done her share. Enough to appreciate Sasuke's steady hands, quick thinking, and his ability to almost read her mind. It was both impressive and somewhat sobering to see how familiar he was with standard operating procedures and equipment. There was something ironic in the fact that he was using the knowledge gained from Kabuto to repair the damage Kabuto had caused.

Sasuke had been the first to pick up the counter-jutsu from Tsunade, courtesy of the Sharingan. He'd even performed it for the first few patients so that she could see it in action a bit more before trying it herself. It was really thanks to him that between all of the medics on call, they'd been able to help nearly every injured ninja within the first three hours.

Luckily, the battle had been over quickly once reinforcements had made it out to the battle-zone. 'Cause her boys were just awesome like that. The rest of Sakura's time had been spent making rounds to check on her patients-thankfully, Genma had been the only one admitted out of all of the ones she knew well-and chasing down any shinobi that had decided they were well enough to try to escape without leave. Sasuke had proved pretty useful there as well, and Sakura had to admit that chasing down wayward ninja was fairly amusing at the end of a long day.

"Hn. What now?"

Sakura sighed. "Hell of a day. I need to wind down. Badly." She tilted her head to the side, loosening the tendons. "But first I want to find Tsunade-sama or Kakashi and find out what the hell was going on."

There was a rush of familiar chakra, and Naruto appeared above her, crouching on top of the lockers. In that pose, he looked almost as feral as his demon form. "Hey, Sakura-chan! Ask and you shall receive!"

She turned to sit on the bench next to Sasuke so that she could look at the blonde without straining. And maybe because her feet hurt. Just a little. "Update."

Naruto grimaced. "They were Sound. Kabuto was there, but I didn't see Orochimaru. But Kabuto . . . yeah." He looked upset. "I fought him."

Sasuke and Sakura exchanged glances. Something was wrong.

"Apparently, he got 'inspired' by Rasengan." Naruto's voice was tight. "He managed to make his own version of it with his medical ninjutsu. That's how he was messing people up."

Of course. How had she not . . . Sakura sighed, "Well, hell. That was clever of him. Do you know what they wanted?"

Naruto rolled his eyes. "What the fuck do you think, Sakura-chan? Orochimaru's pissed about Emo-sama's duck-butt being back in Konoha."

"Hn."

"You're welcome for chasing them off, teme. No need to gush with gratitude like that, you know."

". . ."

"Yeah, I know I'm awesome. Future Hokage, remember? But keep the praise coming, and I might give you your own position in the office. I'll probably need someone to keep my kunai sharp. . . and you know, make coffee, give massages . . ."

". . ."

Sakura finally cut in, "All right, guys. I'm tired, hungry, pretty much out of chakra, and I've seen more of people's insides today than I care to think about. Bad day, all around."

Naruto grinned, "Aww . . . does widdle Sakura-chan need a hug?"

"Does Naruto-kun need a circumcision? Cause I happen to know that exam room three is open."

"Shutting up now."

"Hn. So that's how you do it."

"Hmph. Whatever, teme. No guy would do that to another guy."

"Boys!" Sakura pinched the bridge of her nose, trying to rein in her temper. She was working hard on being nicer and not working out her annoyance with her fists, but she sooooo wanted to whap Naruto on the head at this point . . . "I'm going to change, check on Genma one last time since Kakashi's bound to ask, and go . . . Sasuke, where the hell are you supposed to be tonight?"

"Kakashi's."

"Right. Then we'll stop by Naruto's and get your stuff so we can move you. And-"

Naruto jumped in, "Sakura-chan, why don't you go hit the onsen instead? Sai and I can handle Duck-Butt for an hour or so. Then you come by afterwards, and we can all hang out a bit."

She considered. The bathhouse did sound like a wonderful idea . . . and some time with Naruto and Sai that didn't include beating the shit out of each other in the name of training . . . but she WAS pretty tired, "Well . . ."

"I've got ice cream."

"Deal."

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Now, it was safe to say that the citizens of Konoha got to see some pretty unbelievable things on a regular basis. Daring feats of physics-defying athleticism, incredible displays of elemental jutsu and healing to rival the high-tech gizmos used by those starship people on TV were all common, even unremarkable occurrences in their little village. However, on this afternoon, the usually unflappable citizens were treated to a sight to rival any of those:

Uchiha Sasuke was being dragged, by none other than the town's most despised (at least by the civilians) demon spawn and that weird, unfailingly rude half-shirted ninja that hung out with him, down the street and into the grocery store.

By his EAR.

Unknown to the world at large, Naruto had a secret weapon that allowed him to pull off this particular feat:

Sasuke was ticklish.

The only reason Naruto knew was because of a freak sparring incident, where he'd tried to tickle the teme . . . and it had worked. So when he'd grabbed the balking bastard, he'd intentionally jammed his fingers into the Uchiha's ribs, hard enough so it didn't actually tickle, but Sasuke was immediately aware of his own weakness. He'd been left with two choices: let Naruto drag him into the store in an ignominious fashion, or be tickled, and end up dropping to the ground in a giggling heap.

It had been a tough decision, and he was fairly sure the prior generations of Uchihas were spinning in their graves, but he decided on what he declared the lesser of the two evils. Defeat by a rival could be overcome, but a laughing Uchiha would bring lasting shame.

Sai brought up the rear of their little group, grabbing a basket from the front of the store while Naruto pulled Sasuke towards the back of the store.

"Behold!" Naruto exclaimed, giving Sasuke a not-too-gentle shove, "The greatest aisle in the place, second only to the ramen section!"

Finally freed, Sasuke pulled himself to his full height. "Dobe. I. Don't. Like. Sweets."

Sai marveled in the linguistic ability that allowed Duck Butt to say an entire sentence, yet inject enough ice into the tone to chop it up into five monosyllabic sentences instead.

Naruto, however, didn't back down. "Fuck off. I don't like fruits or vegetables, but I'll eat 'em, 'cause Tsunade baa-chan and Sakura-chan want me to. If I gotta eat peas and shit for my own good, then you can suck it up and manage some fucking ice cream for your own good. Now pick something. Or I will."

There was a total of three seconds of silence during which Sai privately wondered if there was going to be a showdown in the middle of the frozen foods section (which led him to analyze the various contents, in case he ran short of weapons) before Sasuke ground out a 'hn,' turned on his heel, and stalked down the aisle.

Naruto's annoyed expression became a brilliant grin as he reveled in the Uchiha's second defeat of the day. Cackling gleefully, he leaned in closer to Sai, dropping his tone. "In the words of Sakura-chan: shannarou! Now just watch. I bet he gets something totally girly, like peaches and cream or something!"

Sai smirked a little as he opened one of the glass doors to grab a tub of whipped cream, shivering a little as the cold air washed over his exposed midriff. He was idly noting how the glass immediately became cloudy, when he sensed Naruto stepping up behind him. A bare second later, he felt the blonde's arms wrap around his waist. The change in temperature was startling.

The raven stilled as Naruto nibbled at the part of his neck not covered by his collar, leaving a trail of goosebumps in his wake. His next shaky exhaled breath turned to vapor in the cold air. His dick twitched, obviously torn between staying in where it was warm, or jumping up to say 'hi' and risking frostbite.

Naruto slowly pulled back until his-abnormally-warm hands were splayed across the sides of his belly, blunt fingers brushing gently across Sai's waistband. Sai felt his entire body clench in response, causing the other to snicker softly. When Naruto's tongue gently traced the shell of his ear at the same time those warm hands slid slowly down, the raven nearly went faint at the rapid relocation of his blood supply.

Apparently, frostbite was a risk worth taking.

As always, the heady feel of arousal was quickly joined by a trace of confusion for Sai. It was no wonder now why Danzou preached against carnal acts. Whenever he felt like this, his body acted without his conscious direction, his reflexes slowed and his vision blurred. It was both terrifying and wonderful and he never ever wanted it to stop, never wanted to go back to the way he was-

*THUD*

Sai and Naruto jumped apart as a gallon tub of ice cream was roughly thrown into their cart. Sasuke's back was turned to them, his hands clenched. "Let's go."

Naruto just looked at Sasuke's tense frame for a second, his usually animated face unreadable. Then he blinked, and reached into the cart.

"EHHH?!? Vanilla? That's it?" He waved the container in disgust, "And what's this say-fat free, sugar free?!? That's not even ice cream! It's ice with white coloring! I can't have this in my freezer! What if it contaminates the other flavors?"

You could almost hear the Uchiha's teeth grinding over the blonde. "You said pick. I picked. Let's go."

"Fuck off, teme. Do I have an Uchiha crest anywhere on my person? No? Then I am officially Not Your Bitch. We've got other stuff to get." Handling the container with two fingers, he set the 'vanilla' in the corner of the cart, and quickly got gallon tubs of the other flavors. He made a big show out of arranging the tubs so that the 'normal flavors' weren't touching the 'fat/sugar free shit.'

Finally satisfied with his work, Naruto bounced off down the aisle, "To the toppings!!!"

Sai watched in morbid fascination as a multitude of emotions flickered through the Uchiha. He'd dedicated the last couple of years to learning about feelings; he recognized every twitch of a shoulder, clench of a jaw, every eye tic. Uchiha Sasuke was not the frozen block of ice he tried to be. If anything, he was a volcano-peaceful on the surface, but filled with all of the things Danzou had warned them about-anger, rage, hate, fear, angst-and other things. Love, lust, jealousy, pain . . .

In a clinically detached sort of way, Sai wondered when the aptly named Emo-sama would finally erupt from all the internal pressure. On the other hand, he found himself . . . puzzled.

The more he studied the others' emotions, the more he found himself feeling them. Even with Danzou's repeated . . . lessons, he guessed you could call them, as to why it wasn't safe to feel, even after all the years he's spent feeling nothing, being nothing, existing as nothing but a weapon, could seem to stop them. Over time, he'd come to question all the things his master had beaten-often literally-into him.

But now . . . here was a young man who seemed to personify everything Danzou had wanted them to reject. Sasuke had loved. Loss of that love had led to anger, which led to hate, to a desire for vengeance that had led him to betray his village-there was no worse crime in Danzou's book, and Sai had agreed with that opinion for a long time.

But now . . . Sai felt the truth in his heart. If his friends, his precious people, left the village, he would follow. If the elders sentenced Naruto to death-a topic that had been brought up once by the elders, to Tsunade's fury-Sai knew without a doubt that he'd be a part of it. He'd betray his village to save Naruto. Or Sakura. Or Kakashi.

Sasuke had done it all because of love, in some form or another. And now he'd returned, seeking more of the same, and the perceived loss of it was driving him towards the paths of jealousy and anger.

Sasuke was jealous of him. Would Sasuke cross the line into hatred? Would he betray them again, try to hurt Sai or the others?

How could Danzou be so wrong, and yet so right?

"Sai!!! Hurry up! There's a sale on sprinkles! Two-for-one-ttebayo!"

Both troubled into silence, the ravens moved to follow.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Dobe, why?"

"I told you, they don't like me here. You're our best hope to get out of here without being overcharged or having the sackers bruise the fruit. Trust me."

A sigh. "Hn."

"And Sai can't do it because last time he insulted that lady over there."

"I made a simple inquiry. I've never had the opportunity to study pregnancy up close. I simply wished to know more about it."

"Dude, remember the talk we had?"

". . . Yes."

"And what did you learn?"

"That unless she is currently in the process of delivering a baby, you should never speak of a woman's impending motherhood."

"And why?"

"Because she may just be fat."

"Very good. Or else what might happen?"

"A concussion, three cracked ribs, a dislocated shoulder, relocated testicles, a bruised tailbone-"

"Hn. Give me the damn basket."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

As Uchiha Sasuke moodily carried the groceries out, he reflected that it had been a Bad Day, quickly approaching the level of a Shitty Day. Worked to exhaustion, humiliated in front of his home village, dragged through a store, forced to by ice cream, of all things, harassed through the dessert and produce sections, and then, as if that weren't bad enough, Sai and Naruto disappeared, and it wasn't until he'd gotten to the register that he realized that they hadn't handed him any money. He'd ended up digging into his 'allowance.'

Jackasses.

"Thanks, teme, let me carry some of that." The blonde appeared out of nowhere and grabbed a couple of the bags from him. He grinned and rubbed the back of his head, "Sorry about that; I'll pay you back later."

"Hn." Translation: 'You sure as hell better, you fucking mooch!' Naruto surely remembered that from when they were genins. Usually, Sasuke was a fairly generous soul. It wasn't as if he didn't have-as Naruto had pointed out-an entire clan's worth of money sitting in the bank. He'd paid on more than his fair share of things, mostly ramen, and it didn't bother him in the least, because money was really the least of his concerns. The only problem he had was when Naruto would deliberately stiff him and expect him to cover it.

Like right then.

Luckily for Naruto, he had a fairly spotless repayment history. Although . . . "You still owe me from last time, dobe."

The blonde gaped openly as Sasuke smirked. "What the fuck do I owe you?"

"You left me with the tab at Ichiraku's, that last time before I left."

Cerulean orbs blinked at him in amazement. "Teme-"

Sasuke tilted his head in the way he knew Naruto hated, "Twelve bowls, as I recall. And I'm expecting the interest as well."

"What?!?"

He couldn't quite smother the feeling of satisfaction of fucking with the blonde as the Kyuubi carrier launched into a speech about learning to 'let shit go.' Eye for an eye and all that, because the blonde sure as hell was fucking with him.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Sasuke eyed the setup in front of him with obvious distaste. "Hn." When the other four kept grinning at him-or at least, he assumed Kakashi was grinning through the mask-, he followed up with a, "Now what?"

Sakura smirked before leaning over Naruto's coffee table, the scent of her vanilla shampoo wafting towards him. "Now, you make yourself a bowl, like so!" And with a flourish, she displayed her magnificent creation: her triple fudge was piled high and topped with whipped cream, 'her' pink sprinkles (Naruto had gone a little crazy at the sprinkle sale), chunks of banana, chocolate AND caramel syrup, and the piece de resistance: a cherry on top.

Naruto, Kakashi and Sai all made appreciative noises. Sasuke just looked faintly nauseous.

"Now you do it. Watch and learn from the guys if you need to," Sakura was back to grinning as she sauntered to the sink to find a-hopefully-clean spoon. Naruto had had his clones clean up the apartment before she and Kakashi had arrived, but unfortunately, his clones were just as inept at housekeeping as he was . . .

Sasuke raised a brow at the others as they cheerfully started squabbling over various ingredients, smirking a little at Sai's assertion over why Naruto was insisting that he needed the bananas. Kakashi was teasing Sakura about the addition of cherries to his own ice cream creation, his back firmly to the Uchiha so that his uncovered face couldn't be seen. Finally, with a long-suffering sigh, and a mental 'It could be worse,' he reached over and grasped his 'no-taste' vanilla.

Then paused. And twitched.

It was worse.

Glaring at Naruto, who was trying to look angelically innocent while graphically explaining to Sai what the artist could do with the contents of the fruit bowl (the suggestion involving the pineapple was particularly inventive), the Uchiha made a quick seal. "Kai!"

One muted 'poof' later, and the entire team burst into laughter as the henge was released to reveal a tub of ice cream that was very obviously neither fat/sugar free, nor vanilla.

The Uchiha Death Glare was on full force and trained on Naruto, who was nearly in tears from his own prank. "Sasuke, man, you've been gone too long if you've forgotten my brand of awesomeness. All it took was a kawarimi and a henge to replace that shit. If you hadn't been so busy being a drama-sama, you might've noticed!"

Sasuke noticeably grit his teeth and ground out a 'hn.' Then he gave his tub a disdainful poke, as though it were comprised of toxic waste instead of sugary goodness. "So what the hell is this?"

Naruto flashed his million-watt smile, "I picked it out with you in mind, teme. The name says it all: Rocky Road."

Kakashi and Sakura groaned in unison. Sai just tilted his head in that 'I'm analyzing the situational humor' pose. Sasuke's eye tic had become more pronounced.

Naruto just laughed. "Where's the sake?"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Half an hour later, it was obvious that Sasuke had refrained from drinking during his 'away time,' because his tolerance was nonexistent. Being an Uchiha, of course, he did an excellent job of hiding it . . . or so he no doubt told himself. In reality, the fact that he was swaying in his seat, eyes unfocused and speech just a touch slurred gave him away.

That, and he was actually digging into the sundae he'd turned his nose up at not too long before.

It was finally getting to the therapeutic part of the evening-the reason it was a 'bitch' night. Sai gestured to the kyuubi container with a slightly unsteady hand, "Hey, Dickless, it's your turn to start."

Naruto scowled, taking another swig of his bottle, "Shut up about my dick, asshole!"

"Fine then, start with the bitchin', bitch."

Naruto obviously considered a comeback, but finally shrugged it off as too much trouble. “Right now? I’m pissed at Kabuto. What the fuck is he thinking, trying to steal Rasengan and make it all . . ,” he waved his hand around, his already limited vocabulary obviously failing him, “ . . . all medical-y and stuff. I mean, seriously, I put all that blood sweat and tears to learn that jutsu, and he just up and copies it like it doesn’t mean anything! I hate fucking copy-cats!”

At this point, he was cut off by Sakura’s muffled giggles, and glanced over to where she was sitting next to Kakashi. The Sharingan-wielder was sitting with his elbows on the table, looking amused.

“Oh, really?” drawled the Copy-nin archly.

Realizing what he’d just said, Naruto blushed crimson and scratched the back of his head sheepishly. “Uh, well . . . y’know. Present company excluded.”

"Oh no, Naruto-kun, tell me how you really feel."

"Fuck off, Kakashi! You know that's not what I meant!"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Another half an hour, and things really got interesting. There was some more Naruto-harassment, some bitching on Kakashi's part, and whining on Sakura's. More sugar, more alcohol, and tongues were loosened, inhibitions lowered.

And Sasuke got stupid.

Er.

After watching Naruto grab clumsily at Sakura's ass for the fiftieth time that evening, Sasuke finally spoke up, "So when do I get to bitch?"

The blonde grinned triumphantly, "Any time you like, teme. I didn't think you'd actually loosen up that much. So what's on your mind?"

Sasuke took another swig from his bottle (having already given up on the cups) and pointed at Sakura, "I wanna know when she turned into such a fucking slut."

Silence descended in the room as the other three men froze in horror, afraid to even look at the female in their midst. Kakashi's fingers all but twitched with the need to form seals, and Naruto was mentally bemoaning the fate of his security deposit when his landlord saw all the gruesome remains. Sai suddenly found himself desperately wishing he was further away from the incoming carnage, but at the same time, glad that it was aimed somewhere other than him for a change.

It actually took about five seconds for them to realize that Sakura hadn't yet moved in for the kill.

When they finally dared to look in her direction, they saw their favorite kunoichi sitting still as a stone, with fists to match, head bowed. A faint tremor ran through her shoulders, and the other shinobi-barring the belligerent bastard-edged very carefully away.

After what was probably a slow count to thirty, Sakura finally looked up, a steely glint in her jade eyes as she locked gazes with the Uchiha. Her face was perfectly blank, devoid of emotion, though what she said was clearly not: "Jealous?"

Sasuke seemed oblivious to his potential demise, "Of what? Of a girl that 'loved' and 'missed' me soooo fucking much, she just had to run around screwing every guy she saw? My sensei, my rival, my fucking clone over there-"

He cut himself off as Sakura very slowly and deliberately lay her hands on the table in front of her. The Inner Sakura Aura of Doom was in full force, and while not as focused as an Uchiha Glare of Death, it made up for it in intensity.

"So I was right. Jealous. But just who are you jealous of, Sasuke-kun?" she hissed. "Me? Because of me and Kakashi? YOUR sensei has two students left of Team Seven, and WE didn't abandon his teachings. WE still believe in what he taught us: friendship and teamwork, above all else. Or maybe it's Sai-who, by the way, is as completely different from you on the inside as you are alike on the outside. Maybe it pisses you off that someone like him has understood what your genius brain and all-seeing Sharingan totally missed: the importance of having people you love. You couldn't handle it, so you ran away. He couldn't handle it but he tried harder. And succeeded.

"Or perhaps it's Naruto. He who endured all the taunts, the hostility, the flat out rudeness-he put up with so much shit from you because he wanted to be your friend, Sasuke! All he wanted was to be acknowledged by you. To be friends with you. To be loved by you. And all you ever gave him was scorn. You told him so many times, in so many ways, that you didn't care about him, that he should just leave you alone-and now that he has, now that he's found happiness on his own that doesn't involve you-NOW you want him!"

Sakura finally broke eye contact with the Uchiha to lock gazes with Naruto. "He's not the only one who was a fool. I'm sorry."

Naruto, who'd been looking a little dazed at her speech, gave a smile tinged with wonderment. He tugged at one of her clenched fists until it relaxed enough for him to twine his fingers in hers. "Stop apologizing. Even when I thought you'd never love me back the way I wanted, I knew you cared. You were my friend. The rest is just the icing on the cake." With a little pull, he caused her already swaying form to move close enough for a kiss.

Snarling, Sasuke made a dismissive sound. "Oh, fuck off, dobe. You're no better than she is. All of you are just running around behind each others' backs. Some love."

All four of the others flashed drunken, victorious grins.

"Oh, Sasuke-kun," Kakashi slurred, sounding every inch the disappointed sensei. "Is that the best you could do? After all the hints and clues we gave you?"

The shocked, 'there's no fucking way they mean what I think they do' look on Sasuke's face was absolutely priceless, and the Bitch Night turned into a Victory Party, complete with whooping, cat-calls and high-fives.

Sai rolled his eyes, flicking back that invisible ponytail and earning a smothered giggle from his teammates, "Some spy you must be, if you cannot even see the obvious. It's not like we were trying to get you to find something like Naruto's penis, now I could understand the difficulty in THAT-"

"Godammit, Sai!"

"You know mine's bigger."

"That doesn't mean-"

"GUYS! It doesn't matter!" Sakura tried to reason.

"Yeah, you know. 'It's not the size of the ship, but the motion of the ocean.'"

"Yes, but it takes a long time to get to America in a rowboat, Kakashi."

"SAI-mmph! Mmm?? Mmmmm . . ."

Kakashi and Sai snickered as Naruto's tirade was effectively turned into moans by Sakura hauling him forward by the collar for a kiss. Then they were both lunging to stop Sasuke, who was about to leap across the table at his former teammates.

"All right, Sasuke, I think that's enough to drink for you. Maybe we should call it a night?" Kakashi asked, his grip firm on Sasuke's shoulders. "Uchiha, deactivate that Sharingan now, or I'm going to assume you mean to use it."

Sakura and Naruto broke apart, and the blonde whined, "But Kakashiiii, it's been so long since the four of us have been able to hang out!"

Sai shook his head, "It's difficult to enjoy our usual activities with such a hostile presence. Perhaps it would be best if we all went home, before Duck-Butt-sama loses the little sense he possesses."

Sakura made an angry noise. "But it's not fair! We finally get to be happy, and now he's coming between us again! I want to be with you guys the way we were!"

"Hn. You little sl-" Sasuke stopped as Kakashi hit a pressure point.

"Call her one more uncomplimentary name, and you'll be spending time in the hospital. Sakura's not a slut, Naruto's nowhere close to the dimwitted dobe you think he is, and Sai isn't your replacement. He's Sai. And he's ours."

Naruto smirked, "That's right, teme. We're a team. We practice teamwork. Mess with one of us, you mess with all of us."

The Uchiha sneered, brain obviously still not working in his best interest, "Since when does being a 'team' involve screwing around like sex-starved rabbits?"

Sai decided to take this one, "When it becomes more than a team. We've been teammates for years, and we work well together. But now we've gone to the next level. We're bonded together as a family."

Sakura pouted, "It's not fair. We haven't been together since before we started babysitting. And sensei, you and Naruto promised."

Naruto and Kakashi exchanged helpless glances before Kakashi reminded her gently, "We may have to . . . change those plans. We can't dump Sasuke on someone else just so we can . . ."

The pink-haired kunoichi raised up and knee-walked over to where Kakashi was kneeling with Sasuke, and reached out to gently thread her fingers through Kakashi's silver spikes, "But you prooomised, 'Kashi-kun." Trying her best to be seductive, she lowered her voice and batted her jade eyes at him, "You promised to 'break in the newbies,' remember?" She leaned further forward, until her mouth brushed his ear, "I wanna be broken in, sensei."

When she pulled away slightly, he had that slightly dazed expression that she'd come to recognize as meaning that his circulatory system was refusing to move blood any higher than his collarbone.

"We . . . really shouldn't . . ."

Sakura pouted a little more, and whispered, giving her best puppy-dog eyes, "But I want you!"

". . . ."

". . . . "

" . . . ."

She looked over her shoulder at Naruto, who was eyeing Sasuke with an expression of annoyance. "Dammit, teme! I could be getting laid right this second by the three sexiest ninja in Konoha, and instead I'm tied down by your . . . sorry . . . ass . . ." The look on Naruto's face was the one right before he tried some brilliant, off-the-wall idea that would show how much he deserved the title of 'number one unpredictable ninja.' "Tied . . . Kakashi . . . do you have any wire?"

Kakashi's eyebrows rose, and he shared a look with the blonde, before turning to send a quick hand signal to Sai.

That Sasuke recognized, "Oh, HELL no!" The raven struggled viciously, but the alcohol was obviously having a serious impact on his ability to function. "What the hell are-ow! Dobe, lemme go!" he hissed as the jinchuuriki came behind him and pinned his hands down. In the space of a few seconds, the three of them had tied Sasuke firmly to the nearest chair using chakra-enhanced wires. It was a firm job, given Kakashi's level of knowledge, and he added a few seals and tags of his own design to keep the struggling male in his place.

"Sorry, Sasuke," Naruto smirked, not looking sorry at all, "But having you around is keeping us from having the kind of fun we want." He gave an experimental tug at the restraints. "Damn, Kakashi, we should try this some time later. In fact, if you can chakra enhance some ribbon, I think I'd love to have Sai wrapped up under the tree for Christmas this year . . ."

"I'll keep that in mind, kiddo."

Sai looked pleased as he looked over the duck-haired Uchiha. "Hmm. All we need is the orange sauce," he smirked as one of his ink snakes twined itself around the Uchiha's ankles.

Sasuke writhed harder, literally growling as Naruto snapped a chakra inhibitor-issued to them for just this purpose-onto the back of his old rival's neck. "You can't fucking do this!"

Kakashi chuckled darkly, "Actually, we can. Our Hokage told us that we could treat you as a friend or enemy, however we pleased. Being your friend doesn't seem to be working well. It makes sense to switch tactics."

"I'm NOT going to sit here and watch you four fuck, you sick bastard!"

Naruto laughed. "No, you're not," he agreed. And deliberately turned the chair around so that Sasuke's back was to the room, the ex-missing-nin facing the wall.

"What the-?"

Sakura giggled, "Naruto, shouldn't we put him in the hall or somewhere?"

"Do YOU want to put him out of sight where he can figure out how to escape?"

"Good point. But it's going to be a little weird, don't you think? He can still look over his shoulder and see us, no matter where we end up in the room."

Naruto grinned evilly, "But if he did that, Sakura-chan, he'd be admitting just how very jealous he is of us."

"Hn. As if, usuratonkachi. Like I need to be part of your little messed up group-fucking." The statement might have had more conviction if his voice hadn't been shaking slightly.

Kakashi eye positively shone with good humor, "Now, now, Sasuke-kun," he purred. "Let's get it right-it's called an orgy." The jounin looked positively gleeful, as they'd learned he always did when faced with imminent kinkiness.

Sakura laughed, "Kakashi!"

Sai decided things were moving too slow, "Can we have sex now?"

"I think you're picking up some of Naruto's bad habits," Kakashi teased. He reached out and pulled the artist nin forward, "Such impatience."

Sai blushed, and leaned against the older man, pushing his erection against Kakashi's hip. "Sakura's not the only one wanting, senpai."

"DAMMIT, THIS IS NOT HAPPEN-NNG. . . . !!!"

"Whoa . . . what did you do, Sakura-chan?" Naruto asked, amazed. Sasuke was clearly trying to talk, but couldn't seem to make a sound.

Sakura removed her hands from his throat, smirking. "Nothing much. Just numbed his vocal cords. It'll wear off in an hour or two. Listening to him bitch and whine would kind of spoil things, don't you think?"

"Amen, Sakura-chan."

Sasuke huffed loudly, glaring over his shoulder at the sight of Kakashi running his hands leisurely over a purring Sai's midriff, while Naruto grinned wickedly at Sakura as she started yanking his T-shirt out of his pants. Then he resolutely faced forward, refusing to acknowledge what was happening.

He wasn't jealous.

He didn't need them.

As he heard a random male whimper from behind him, Uchiha Sasuke grit his teeth and called upon all the Uchiha pride he could.

And wondered how long he would last.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

*hides from incoming projectiles*

I know, I know, how dare I stop there? Please have faith in me, beloved readers! Sex, kinky, wonderful sex-including the long-awaited YAOI!!!!!-is coming!

As always, all my love to my readers. You guys keep me going, and nothing perks my day up like a random review, even two months after posting. *still feels guilty*

Oh, and the 'motion of the ocean'/'rowboat' joke is a bastardization of the one told by Jeff Foxworthy. All credit to him!

Anyway, I hoped you at least enjoyed the setup!

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