Fading Dream

Chapter 11: Swallow

Unfortunately Naruto usually didn't forget his dreams.

Well, he forgot them like he forgets other things, like buying milk or so. When they were trivial, the memory of them would fade after a few hours, but when they carved themselves into his brain, he would never forget them.

What he experienced with Gaara was one of the things he would never forget. Not that he really wanted to erase the memory of those months from his head, and that made him feel guilty. That he actually liked what he did, while he didn't knew, what he did. He would to learn to get over what happened, but nothing more, erasing the longing and preserving the guilt. It would take him a lot of time, that was for sure. If everything would go on perfectly from now on, maybe a year or two. He sat down at the fountain, where he met up with Sakura, when he came back to Konoha, and his thoughts still lingered at the redhead. Maybe five years.

His thoughts were a mess, even less understandable for himself than usual. He tried to calm down and find a point to start to put them into words. That helped always when his thoughts rotated in his head. Start with the easy understandable things.

Twenty-one. Depending on his birthday, Gaara was at least two years older than Naruto. He thought back at his time at the green leaf - how he met him for the first time. No wonder, he thought then that his voice was too deep. It wasn't the voice of a 10-year old, but 15-year old. He tried to recall other moments that indicated on Gaaras age. The first time the kid - no, teenager - saw snow. Naruto knew it already then, but something really bad must have happened in his childhood. You don't have a relapse into infantile attitude in that age anymore, when everything was nice when you were a child. And then how he talked about Christmas. Telling Naruto that his family celebrated Christmas without him and that he doesn't care anymore. Even Naruto, who was an orphan and his whole life till then an outcast, was treated better!

So much about easy understandable things. God, how he wanted to run back, press Gaara against his chest and whisper sweet words into his ear.

But he won't go. As much as he liked him, Gaara was obviously devastated by the thought that Naruto didn't remember their first night, despite what Naruto did to him. 'You jumped literally at me.' … Even though Gaara said, Naruto didn't force him now, he did it then, and that was unforgivable. He wouldn't stain Gaara anymore from now on. Temari told him on their first meeting. Gaara was fine without him and he wasn't wanted. He should have listened to her. He wasn't needed. No, he was making everything even worse. He afflicted Gaara way too long. Thinking how he must have felt, when Naruto didn't say anything after that first night …

Simply going now may have not been the best decision, but Naruto just didn't know what to do else. His mind was blank then except for 'go away before you hurt him even more'. Going back now also wasn't the right thing to do. There need to be a clean cut from now on, giving Gaara the chance to forget what cruel things Naruto did to him. He would be able to do so, he was strong by now. He had Temari and Kankuro. He was stronger than Naruto ever was and ever will be.

"N-Naruto?" A high-pitched voice pulled him out of his dark thoughts. He lifted his head and saw Hinata looking down at him worried. He put on a smile, though it was only a fake.

"Hey, what's up Hinata?" he asked, imitating a cheerful tone. Her face lightened up a tiny bit and she sat down beside him. Naruto hoped she wouldn't ask how he was doing.

She was fidgeting beside him, but then, as if reading his thoughts, she started to chat about all different things. How she met with Ino yesterday and that the blonde girl always says she's envious of her, but that she don't understand what Ino's talking about and then that there was something odd about Neji lately. Naruto was even able to laugh at her story about Akamaru knocking over Shinos insect boxes and freeing about twenty Iris oratoria - at this point she had to explain him that this was a sort of mantis that is especially know for its cannibalism - and that they had to capture them before the screaming and shouting Shino would totally freak out. It didn't fit to Shino at all to scream, shout and freak out, and so Naruto was soon laughing and holding his belly at her lively explanations.

"And then Akamaru sniffed at one of them and it pinched him into his nose!" she continued her story. The more she spoke the less she stuttered, Naruto noticed. She smiled genuinely at him when her cell phone suddenly rang. She widened her eyes at the name of the caller, made an apologetic face at him and answered her phone.

"Hey, something new?" Her voice was tensed and careful. Naruto wasn't able to hear the response. Hell, he didn't want to eavesdrop, but she was sitting directly beside him!

"What?! … Yeah, okay, I'm there asap." She gave Naruto a glance, listened to whoever she was talking with and suddenly she blushed. "Y-yeah, I-I'll bring h-him … S-sure!" She sighed, closed her cell phone and looked pleading at him before averting her eyes, the blush still on her face.

"Y-you have to d-do me a f-favor and c-come with me, p-please." She stood up and rushed away. Naruto had some struggles to follow her first, but when she noticed he wasn't directly beside her, she slowed down.

"What's up, Hinata? Where're we going?"

"Sakura."

"Saku- WHAT? She's back?!"

Hinata simply nodded. "And she didn't come back alone," she added, now confident again and without stuttering, her voice as somber as her expression. They weren't far away from where Sakura lived when they started, and were now dashing the stairs up. Before Naruto could think about her words and answer, Hinata flung the door open.

There in the corridor of Sakuras apartment he was. Pale skin, black hair and black eyes that stared at him wary. Sasukes expression was … cold. His eyes lacked concentration after the first glance. He looked, as if he wasn't really there.

"Naruto?" Sasukes voice was ripped off any emotion and barely more than a whisper. No, he wasn't right, there weren't no emotions … There was something, deep hidden within, though he wasn't able to tell what it was.

Naruto only nodded, his mouth was suddenly too dry to speak. Something in the teenagers aura send a unpleasing shiver down his spine. Sasuke turned away from him and went to Sakuras room. The pink-haired girl's eyes followed him until he disappeared behind the door and sighed.

"Anyone want a coffee?"

…

Sasuke was still in Sakuras room when Naruto sipped on his second cup of tea, sitting on the sofa in the living room. The smell of Sakuras coffee remembered him at Gaara. It will be very hard to not think about him on every little occasion. Sakura sighed again and looked at the open door to the corridor.

"All he was talking about before leaving was 'Itachi'. And now all he's talking about, when he's ever talking, is you, Naruto," she said and looked at him sternly.

Naruto furrowed his brows. "Who's that 'Itachi'?"

"Someone who's dead," she said dry and pulled a folder out of the bag that rested beside her. She opened it, took out an article and handed it to Naruto. It was mainly a photo of a young man, not older than thirty, and a headline, 'Itachi Uchiha found murdered in his house. Police searches for witnesses.'

Naruto gulped hard. "He looks like Sasuke, somehow," he managed to say with a hoarse voice. 'Murdered' didn't sound good.

"He's his brother. The incident happened half a year ago and the murderer isn't found yet," Sakura informed him, "I found out about this shortly after Kibas birthday and … well, wasn't able to sit here and wait calmly anymore." She gave Naruto a bittersweet smile. Naruto asked himself even more why she didn't ask him for help. Apparently she was in contact with Hinata the whole time - the girl wasn't fazed at all by what happened. Hinata excused herself then, feeling the tension between the old friends, and left the apartment.

"Two days ago someone called me and asked for you, Naruto. I told him that I didn't see you for some weeks and then he suddenly became nervous. He said 'go back and throw his fucking ass in a bus to his uncle and me, there's some freak in front of the house calling out for him the whole time'. Because of his discomposure I wasn't able to ask about his name until then. He told me his name is Nagato and was slightly … pissed, if I may say so, that I didn't know about him. Frankly, I explained him, I didn't know how he knew about me and where he got my number from. He started with 'Naruto and I-' and then the line was cut off.

Well, I looked up your uncles address and went there since I wasn't that far away anyway. I guess you can tell who I found in front of your house." Naruto nodded slowly.

"Since then he didn't speak a single word to me." Her voice cracked with her last words and she looked disheartened, tears welling up in her eyes. "I thought he would warm up, when he sees you, but now I'm only afraid that actually something might happen that will harm you. First he's all about Itachi and a year later that man was dead. Now he's behaving like an animal in a cage and freaking all out about you."

If it wouldn't be Sakura that he was talking with, Naruto would try to put this down as a prank. Well, he was talking with Sakura and she wouldn't ever play any pranks on him. Especially not when Sasuke was also involved. "So you think Sasuke killed his own brother and I'm next? But why?!"

Sakura frowned angrily. "No, I don't think he's capable of doing so. He's a nervous wreck right now. When he doesn't calm down within the next few days, I think we'll need to bring him to a psychotherapist. No, I've more the feeling that he has some kind of sixth sense or so." She looked at the open door again. It tugged at Narutos heart to see her so disheartened and hurt. There was a moment of rather awkward silence before Sakura spoke again. Naruto didn't feel like talking much on his own this day and took another sip of his tea.

"And how's Gaara doing?"

He chocked nearly on the tea and coughed. How did she- Why did she ask about him? Wasn't he something like her arch-enemy or so? Though he still didn't really know what Sakura had against Gaara in particular. And there he was thinking about him again. Naruto glared unconscious halfhearted at her for changing the topic.

Sakura raised an eyebrow. "Did anything happen? Now that I'm thinking about, it's strange that you've such a big bag with you. Don't you live with him?"

"How did you know?" Naruto was genuine surprised. Realization hit him and his eyes widened. "Oh god! Sorry I never told you, but he was the first person that I met by coincidence  and I didn't know where to stay anywhere else and he already moved his couch from his living room to another room for me and then Ino found out or rather pressed it out of me and told me to not tell you and - yeah," he trailed off.

Sakura furrowed her brows and concentrated to be able to understand his rant. Her features softened at the end. "Kibas party. I brought you back home, but I guess you don't remember. So now, spill what that bag is for." Again Kibas party. How can one night change so much?

"Uhm …" Naruto searched for words, put his cup down on the table, leaned back into the sofa and tried to smile. "We had … a little misunderstanding. At the moment I'm sorta homeless."

She sighed angry. "Don't tell me he's violent towards you again."

"No! No, no … It's rather … The other way round?", he sighed, "And I think it's best for him when I'm not a part of his life anymore."

Sakuras eyes widened, but then she laughed. "I told you to leave that freak alone six years ago." Her laughter became piercing. Apparently they both weren't in a good condition. It took Sakura some moments to calm down, but she still chuckled shrill. "That must be some misunderstanding. Causing you, Uzumaki Naruto, to back off from someone! That's it for me!" She laughed again before becoming finally serious. "I guess I call Lee if you can stay with him and Neji because of Sasuke." She stood up and leaved the living room.

…

Naruto lay in Lees dark living room. He was alone in the apartment. Lee was out, meeting some costumer. Working as a personal trainer demands for late hours sometimes he said, and though it was already dark, it wasn't that late yet. The energetic young man said, he would be back at 10, meaning two more hours of tormenting silence and being extradited to his thoughts for Naruto.

He tried to distract himself with watching TV, but in the end, he looked at the machine, but didn't see anything and heard, but didn't listen. Whenever he closed his eyes, hurt green eyes stared back at him.

His thoughts started there, where they end this noon. He started to understand the redhead more and more. His attitude of those last weeks. The tension between them after the night they first kissed - well their first kiss, that Naruto remembered. When Naruto asked Gaara what's bothering him. 'Nothing, everything is as it should be.' Hell, as if! Nothing was, as it should be! Naruto destroyed everything they had without even knowing or remembering it. But …

What did they actually have? A friendship? Friends usually didn't fuck each other … What was it?

Thinking back, he liked the redhead badly already in the old times, when they spend their afternoons and evenings at the greenhouse. The boy invoked his protective instinct. He was so light and fragile, his skin was so pale and soft, his hair so mesmerizing. After the Gaara was ill and Naruto had touched his hair for the first time, he found himself often enough wondering about his chances to survive after caressing his hair once more. And how quiet but at the same time short-tempered he was. A big enigma that Naruto wanted, but wasn't able to understand and solve. He wanted Gaara to laugh, run and play like other kids. Find friends and someone he would be able to trust and maybe even love. Just like the kanji on his forehead indicated. The kanji he thought first of a tattoo, but that was a scar. Old thoughts resurfaced. Was the scar self inflicted or did someone that to Gaara? What was the meaning behind it? And why was it still so deep red, as if only a few days old?

Through the five and a half years he was away from Konoha, Gaara was the one, who dominated his thoughts. His green eyes followed him in his dreams and they still did it from time to time. Just how couldn't he realize it were Gaaras eyes he remembered from that fateful night? Those stunning green eyes that looked up at him from dark sheets with that intense look of discomfort. Without his knowing the memory became clearer. Discomfort. Did he look last night the same way?

Days passed and everything was gray. Gray, red and green were the only colors Naruto was still able to see. Lee coaxed Neji in giving Naruto a job as a part-time cook in his little restaurant, but life didn't seem to be the same anymore. He went to work, spend his time at work and helped TenTen with whatever dish she needed to prepare, went back to Lee's apartment and slept until he had to go again. His beetle-browed friend didn't like to see him that way and tried to cheer him up with his usual speaks about youth and spring an love. TenTen was obviously making jokes all the time, but nothing made Naruto smile, not to speak of laughing. Why didn't he let Gaara remove the blindfold again? Yeah, he was thrilled by the thought not to know who that was on top of him. In the end he was simply so used to it that he forgot about it.

But live had to go on.

The number of patrons in the restaurant at his working times increased dramatically and Neji soon offered him to work full time. Apparently his cooking skills were better than he imagined. Though Naruto couldn't care less, he accepted. He had to pay back the favor Lee did him with living with him. And this way he hadn't that much time to think at least. Was it that what Konan felt when Yahiko died? He was able to understand her now somehow.

However, whenever he saw someone with red hair or green eyes, his heart skipped a beat. Luckily he didn't spend much time outside of the kitchen and apparently nobody in Konoha had that vibrant red hair or those deep green eyes, except for one person, which wasn't really fond of eating, even more not outside of his realms. The only one that was close to him was Sakura. Her pink hair looked close to red and her eyes were green, though not really the green he wanted to see so badly, but wasn't able to see ever again.

He had let Gaara go and that was the right thing to do. Just … was he eating enough? Did he get enough rest?

About a month after he started working at Nejis restaurant, Sakura visited him at work. They didn't really talk after the day that Sasuke came back to Konoha. Naruto was just never in the mood to contact her, and she apparently likewise.

She had that bittersweet smile on her face. Naruto knew, something was wrong, and he took off for the rest of the evening. Neji cursed him because some patrons knew about him and his skills and wanted their dishes to be cooked by him, and only by him, but in the end the arrogant brunette was their friend and understood.

"Thanks," Sakura said once they were outside. They walked quietly for some time through empty streets and suddenly she snuffed and buried her face in Narutos chest. Startled he embraced her careful and patted her back.

"Shhh …" he tried to calm her down, but she started to cry harder. Naruto sighed low and continued to pat her back. "Just let it all out. You know, when you want to talk, I'm here," he whispered to her.

"Sasuke, he's … Totally ignoring me." Again that bastard Sasuke! All he was doing, was hurting Sakura, and he could do as much about that, as Sakura could do about his own colorless life. Nothing. "He's still in the psychiatry." Yeah, Neji told him about that. A few days after he started working at the restaurant they gave Sasuke into medical care. "At least he's talking now. He's asking for you." She lifted her head and smiled sad at him, tears running down her cheeks. With his thumbs he wiped them softly away. "You should go visit him someday."

Naruto nodded slightly and they continued their walk. It wasn't until about midnight that he was at home. Most of the time they didn't speak, but the silence was comforting and they understood each other also without words.

…

From that day on, Sakura came over more often. One day, before Naruto had to work, she led him to the psychiatry finally. They didn't have to wait long until they were allowed to see Sasuke. His doctor said, from the beginning he was stable enough to see visitors, but that his over-all condition wasn't satisfactory at all. Sakura and Naruto entered Sasukes room. The black-haired teenager sat on his bed, his eyes fixated on a book. He lifted his eyes and observed them. Then his head followed and his face lit up. At least he wasn't mentally absent like last time.

"Naruto?" His question was hesitant. Naruto nodded bewildered at the same question he answered already weeks before. Sasuke put his book beside jumped literally at him, throwing his arms around Narutos chest and pulling him in a firm hug.

"You're back. You're really back! And that when I was about to go to search for you! But now you're here," the black-haired teen chirped, confusing Naruto even more. He throw a confused look to Sakura, but she also looked as perplexed as he imagined himself. Sasuke pouted and removed his hands from Narutos back to cup his cheeks.

"Look at me," he said and tilted Narutos head to face him. Sasuke bit his lip and eyed Naruto up. "You've grown quite a bit in those four and a half years," the slightly taller teen growled soft. Four and a half years? What was Sasuke talking about? Half-lidded obsidian eyes locked with sapphire. "You know, I was barely able to wait until I would be able to go searching for you. But now you're here."

With that Sasuke pressed his lips against Narutos. It was just a short kiss, but Naruto heard Sakura collapse behind him. He would like nothing better than to do the same, but his legs didn't even feel like pudding. The black-haired teenager embraced him again and rested his head on Narutos shoulder.

"I love you," Sasuke whispered into Narutos ear, "loved you all this time. It hurt that you didn't contact me but Sakura. But now you're here. Not with Sakura." Sasukes hand ran up trough golden locks.

So much about being stable. "Uhm, Sasuke, why don't you sit down and I'll get us something to drink? What about this?" Naruto asked careful choosing the right words. Sasuke backed off, jumped on his bed and smiled expectant at Naruto while rocking his legs. Okay, now get Sakura out of here and call someone before he notices anything. He lifted the girl in bridal-style. Sasuke observed him the whole time and Naruto was about to leave the room when the black-haired teen began to speak.

"By the way, did you come here right after coming back to Konoha? Or why do you have that big bag with you? And isn't it a bit unpractical to carry it that way?" he mused. Somehow everything seemed so slow. Narutos thoughts rotated in his head. Did he just call Sakura a bag?

"Uhm, yeah, I came here right after leaving the bus! And the strap tore, that's all," he said lifting Sakuras arm slash 'torn strap' . Naruto was shocked how easy this lie came over his lips, but still glad that Sasuke didn't ask why he doesn't leave the 'bag' in his room.

"Ah, okay. Oh, get me a strawberry-milk, please!" Strawberry. Why strawberry? Naruto winced at the memory. 'Sweetie' he had called Gaara because of his smell. Always smelling like strawberries … How didn't he recognize the smell when Gaara came to him those nights? Hell, even the god-damned lube he bought on the Kuramas advice was strawberry-flavored! The demon also didn't speak to him once more after he left Gaara. As much as he cursed the demon before, now he wanted someone to talk that would understand him.

Silently he left the room with Sakura in his arms and closed the door behind him. The girl was light. One more thing she and Naruto had in common. They both lost weight over those last weeks. But at the same time Naruto wasn't really sure, if she was light. At this moment everything seemed to be light. His legs were light and his head was unusual light. It felt like a balloon floating in the air, more as if it hold his body's weight and made him stand upright, and not the other way round.  Naruto carried Sakura to the desk at the beginning of the hallway and was helped by a nurse. He told the nurse also about Sasukes sudden change and sat finally down. His head was still light and his body was so light he almost didn't feel himself.

Naruto couldn't stop but smile at the warm darkness that invaded him. He wanted to giggle at what happened. Somehow he couldn't blame Sasuke. In him was also something that gnawed at his sanity. Through all those weeks there wasn't one single night he didn't dream about Gaara. His green eyes, his red hair, the scar, his hands, his lips, his hips, the feeling of his body, his soft skin - all this hunted after him in his dreams. How was he supposed to get over him?

…

When he opened his eyes, he looked up at the ceiling in a dark room that was only illuminated by moonlight. He was laying in a soft bed and heard someone breathing evenly beside him. He turned his head to see Sakura. Her head lay on her arms on his bed. She slept like a little angle. Slowly unconsciousness invaded him again.

Naruto woke up to the sound of two female voices talking. One of them was Sakura. He opened his eyes slowly and was affirmed in his expectation, the room was awful bright and it hurt his eyes. He blinked a few times before he saw Sakura beaming at him.

"Where am I?" he managed to say with a husky voice despite his sleepiness.

"Konoha General Hospital," the other female voice explained, "you had a breakdown because of malnutrition and deprivation of sleep. The mental shock you experienced with Uchiha Sasuke yesterday made you finally collapse. For now, you should rest and take care of your body." Naruto looked at the source of the voice just to see red hair. He didn't see her face since she left the room after her explanation without giving him another glance. At least her hair was a rather purplish red and not blood-red.

His mind was still awful slow. "Yesterday … Neji!" Naruto wanted to jump out of his bed, but Sakura put her hands firm on his shoulder and pressed him back into the pillow. He looked confused and pleading at her.

"No puppy-eyes! I talked with him already. He don't want to see you for at least a week, he said," she said sternly before sitting down on the chair beside his bed. "And they want you to stay here for at least a second night." Naruto groaned. "No, Naruto! You need to take this serious. I was … I was worried." She looked bashful at her folded hands.

Naruto remembered his musings from the day before he left Gaara. Both of us are too uncertain, if the other one feels the same way, to do the first step. He stared at the ceiling. Even if he wasn't so sure anymore if he loved Sakura, he would learn to love her again. Even if that wasn't the right moment, life had to go on and somewhere he had to make a start. Start to bring the colors back to their both lives. "Hey, Sakura, wanna go drink a coffee with me?"