Pining

AN: This is the last real chapter on this fic. And before anyone protests let me explain myself. This is only Iruka's side of the story so a lot is left out. I'm writing a sequel or a side story or what ever you want to call it about Itachi. If you want me to send you an email when I start uploading it leave a comment. (That is if you can stomach Uchihacest.)

ren ^_^
Anise Yep, gentle smut for change.
llyoung ^_^
Synn True but as I said in the AN there's lot going on that Iruka doesn't know of. I'm glad you 'found' this awesome pairing ^.^ Couldn't see your email address.

Edited by Demosthenes. Thank you

-----------------------------------------

It was a misty morning. Iruka walked with brisk steps his usual route to the Hokage's office. His vacation was over. Though the sky was enshrouded by a thick mass of clouds Iruka felt like the sun was smiling down on him. He had the most wonderful man in his life. He felt loved and alive. The time he had been pining for romance was so distant it could as well have been a dream.

Schools were still closed but Iruka had more than enough work in the Hokage's office. The same as usual; filing reports, receiving requests and assignments from villagers and so on.

Suddenly he came to a full stop. Even though the building was wreathed in mist, Iruka could see the familiar shock of white hair emerging from Yamato's apartment. It was like someone had hit him with chidori. A thousand spears of lightning surging through his body. What is he doing there? At this hour? Iruka stood there staring at the Jounin whose head was still peeping inside the apartment. His heart was beating fast. He had trouble at breathing like there was a huge chunk stuck in his throat. He didn't want to see more. He willed his legs to move and soon he was running. Hot tears were burning in his eyes.

"Iruka!" he could hear Kakashi calling his name.

No, this can't be happening! I trusted him! I opened my heart to him!

"Iruka wait!"

I don't want to hear his explanations. I don't want his pity. I should have known there was something rotten. He was so perfect. Everything was so perfect. Iruka heard a puff just before he ran into the cloud of smoke and Kakashi. Strong hands gripped his arms and prevented him from running away.

"Iruka it's not what you think."

"Really?" Iruka's voice was sarcastic and teary.

"I was just... Yamato is hurt. I had to check on him."

"Really?"

"Yeah, he came back from a mission yesterday, and,"

"How could you do it? How could you be so nice and gentle, everything I've ever wanted and then do this? I trusted you! But all you did was take advantage of me." Iruka was frantic. He felt angry and betrayed.

"I knew it was the wrong thing to do. But I wanted you so much Iruka. I-I"

"Yeah, you wanted me, that's all. I knew it."

"No! Wait! That's not what I meant."

"You don't have to make up some lame excuse. I get it." Iruka tried to walk away.

"No, you don't. There's something I need to say to you," Kakashi paused "You have to trust me. I would never do anything to hurt you."

Iruka didn't answer. He didn't know what to say or how to react. Hell, he didn't even know what he felt.

"I'm sorry, I have to go now, but I'll come to your place this evening and we'll talk then, alright?"

"What ever." Iruka hung his head, he could feel Kakashi leaning forward.

Quickly he jerked his arms free and turned away. Soon he heard the familiar puff and Kakashi was gone.




Iruka sat behind his desk. Filing the mission reports didn't interest him in the least. He took a folder after folder and leafed through it making notes and markings on his book. A jumble of mixed feelings went round and round in his head. He couldn't form a coherent thought. Why on earth did I have to react that way? Somehow he felt like he had already lost Kakashi. What could possibly be so important he couldn't say it there? Iruka took another mission report.

Why did I have to come to work? I just want to clear things up. I want to talk with Kakashi. But Kakashi had things to do as well and Iruka wasn't sure if he really wanted to hear what Kakashi had to say. Ah that's right. I could look up the mission report to find out how Yamato was hurt. Iruka stood up and took a pile of reports. He quickly flipped through them searching for Yamato's name. Then he came across a file with Hatake Kakashi written in sloping characters at the top of it. Iruka paused.

What the hell am I doing? He plunked down on his chair. I really don't believe him, do I? 'You have to trust me. I would never do anything to hurt you.' Kakashi's words rang in his head. Iruka lifted his hands over his eyes and drew a deep breath. He's right. I have to trust him. Or I can't be with him. Do I still want to be with him? How could I believe him? Iruka took the pile of files he was searching through and put it back to where it belonged. This is wrong. Still the doubt lingered.

I'm paranoid. I don't really have a reason to doubt him. Thoughts squirmed in Iruka's head. Itachi wasn't suspicious either and yet he... did those things to me. 'How do you think he got to ANBU at such a young age?' Kakashi was an ANBU.

Iruka took another report file, scanned through it, finding the proper numbers and other information. He placed the file on a second stack and took another from the first . Usually he read the reports quite thoroughly but not now. Now he went through them as fast as possible. He had found a loophole. It was his job to go through the mission files so, if he went through them all he would eventually get to Yamato's file. And there was nothing wrong in doing this.

Files moved from one pile to another. Time passed sneakily and before Iruka noticed it was already dark. His eyelids drooped low. Letters squirmed on the paper and it was hard to make sense of them. Iruka's head lolled forward, his neck muscles gave up and his cheek met the file he was reading.


Pallid light came through the curtainless window as Iruka opened his eyes. It took him a few moments to remember where he was. He sat up stretching his neck and shoulders. They were stiff as a rock and ached. Iruka felt veins throb in his head as the blocked blood vessels opened. A quick look at his watch told Iruka it was already five in the morning. Fortunately tomorrow—or today actually—was Saturday and he didn't have to wake up early. Iruka yawned and stretched his arms above his head. There were only two files left on the unchecked pile.

Iruka's heart bounded slow but strong. He didn't feel the pain on his neck any more as he took the topmost file and opened it. The characters on the top of the page spelled a name Iruka knew only from the reports he had read. Uzuki Yugao. A female ANBU whose reports were written in a nice and tidy handwriting. Iruka scanned through the file and wrote down the important figures and details. He closed the file and put it in the checked pile.

Drawing a deep breath Iruka took the last file. Just open it. At least then you will know. Holding his breath Iruka closed his eyes and opened the file. He let his breath out and opened his eyes slowly. Disappointment washed over him. The kanji spelled Maito Gai, the prideful green beast of Konoha. The guy with the creepiest smile Iruka had ever seen. Iruka hung his head for a few seconds to regain his composure. Then he took Gai's file and read it through.

I shouldn't leap into hasty conclusions. Iruka felt tired. He had done a week's worth of work this evening and he wasn't at his best. It's better to get some sleep and think about this later. He stood up and straightened the piles of files, lifted his briefcase from the floor and left for home.


The night was quiet. The air was cool and fresh. Dew shimmered on the lawns, condensing into droplets on tree leaves. Summer was coming to its end. Iruka was a morning person, but he was seldom awake at this hour. The earliest birds were singing their good mornings but otherwise it was eerily peaceful. Iruka hurried his step. The silent village felt strange and made him uneasy. The road was lined with tall trees. Iruka spun around when he heard a rustle behind him. There was no one to be seen. He quickened his pace. Another rustle came from the forest. An oppressive feeling crawled inside Iruka. He thought he saw a shadow moving among the trees but he didn't want to take a better look.

Finally the road meandered to an opening. Iruka eased his pace, he was almost at home. He glanced at the tree line. The dark shadows gave a perfect cover, Iruka could swear he felt someone watching him. He turned around and walked to his home steadfast. His skin crawled. One image was filling his mind. The predatory-like red eyes with a piercing stare. He ran the stairs up to his apartment. He opened the door, slipped in and slammed it closed behind him. He was panting. He pressed his back against the wall. His heart was hammering in his chest and it was hard to breath. His whole body was trembling and soon his legs gave in. He crumbled down on the floor, eyes flooding with tears.

It took almost twenty minutes for Iruka to calm down. Silence closed around him, no one was after him. Gods, I'm so stupid! What was I thinking? I shouldn't be out alone at this hour. It wasn't the first time Iruka had been out at night, and it wasn't something he should have been afraid of. He was Shinobi. Not particularly high ranking, but still Shinobi, and he shouldn't be afraid to be out alone at night. Still, the shaking of his body wouldn't fool anyone, he was terrified. I wish Kakashi were here. It didn't matter if Kakashi had lied to him. He needed Kakashi. He needed Kakashi's strength, his arms around him and his gentle voice telling him everything was fine.

Still a bit jumpy Iruka stood up and changed to loose pants and shirt. He put a kettle with water on the stove and took a teapot from the kitchen cabinet. It was heavy, cast iron. Iruka put the infusing basket inside, added two teaspoons of sencha tea and poured the hot water over the leaves. He took a beautiful, handmade tea cup and sat with it to wait a minute for the tea to brew. Thin wisps of steam rose from the tea pot bringing back Iruka's childhood memories. Those were happy times. Their family had been warm and close, Iruka had never been alone. In the evenings Iruka's mother would brew them green tea in the cast iron tea pot.

Iruka glanced at his wristwatch, the minute was up. He poured the steaming liquid into his cup and took the first sip. It tasted mild and fresh. He missed his family. It had been almost twelve years since their deaths, yet he had never gotten used to the loneliness.

"Thank Gods!"

Iruka inhaled the tea he had just sipped and furious coughing bent him double.

"Were you planning to scare me to death?" Iruka asked when the coughing eased.

The Jounin was leaning on the doorway. He looked shabby and dirty.

"Where were you? I've been looking for you the whole night. I was worried sick."

"I was at work. I lost the track of time and, well, I actually fell asleep there." Iruka admitted, blushing lightly.

Kakashi sighed.

"At least you're alright."

Iruka asked Kakashi to sit down and poured him a cup of tea. Neither of them spoke for a long time. They just sat there and took small sips from their handmade stoneware cups. They were both tired. Iruka felt hurt and angry for finding out Kakashi had lied and a bit shaky from the scare on his way home.

"Iruka, I want to explain"

"There's no need to explain," he answered quietly.

"No, Iruka, you have to listen to me," Iruka cut him short again.

"As I already said, I don't need your excuses. You don't have to explain anything." He sighed. "I don't need this now, so please, just go." Iruka swallowed hard, it took all he had to hold back the tears burning in his eyes.

He turned his head away. He didn't want to look into that deep blue eye looking at him like a hurt little puppy. He had a soft spot for Kakashi but this time he tried be strong.

"Please Iruka. If only for the last time, please, listen to me."

Iruka bit his lip. Something in Kakashi's voice made him want to hear what he had to say.

"I don't know how to say this, but... I need you to know that I've liked you—for a long time. That's why I've always stayed as long as I could in the Hokage's office. I couldn't make a move because you were always so angry at me. I couldn't help but tease you, you're so cute when you blush. Besides, I didn't know if you swung this way. I had only seen you with women so..."

Iruka blushed from the remark.

"Then you saw me with Yamato. I was worried that you found it disgusting. You were so embarrassed, I just wanted to kiss you. Then I saw Itachi and I knew I had missed my chance. The rest you know. Except, I still liked you. When I saw you in the park, covered with Itachi's marks, I didn't know what to do. It hurt. I wanted so much to hold you. I wanted so much to do something to that bastard." Kakashi paused.

"Then, that Friday, I checked on you at the Hokage's office, as I do every day you work there, and you weren't there. Your replacement told me you had called in sick. I was so worried. I made an excuse by buying the miso-soup and came straight to your apartment. When you didn't answer the door, I had to break in. Then I saw you laying there, all bruised and hurting."

Iruka bit his lip more. The memory was clear in his minds eye.

"I went to see Itachi that night. I wanted to make him suffer, but I knew you wouldn't approve. Fortunately I didn't have to. Itachi understood it was best for him to stay away from you. I made a promise to myself not to let anyone hurt you again. Ever. That's why I thought we shouldn't get intimate. I knew you would think of me badly. I knew you would think I took advantage of you, and maybe I did. I knew it to be too hard for you to trust anyone after what Itachi did."

Kakashi took a deep breath before continuing.

"When you pressed against me that night it was like the gates of heaven had just opened. I couldn't say no to you. I just couldn't turn back. I'm sorry Iruka. I should've been stronger. But I can't help it. I love you. So please believe me when I say there's no one else but you. There hasn't been anyone else since the day you saw me leave Yamato's apartment. I just had to go and check on him, because he's really badly wounded. I would rather kill myself than hurt you."

"I read all the reports that were returned this week. Yamato's mission report wasn't there." Iruka whispered.

"Well, it's not returned yet. Yamato couldn't bring it himself, so I agreed to help him." Kakashi opened his green Jounin's vest and pulled a brown mission report out from under it.

He put it on the table and pushed it toward Iruka. Of course it wasn't returned yet! I'm so stupid! It usually takes two or three days for Shinobi to return their mission files. What was I thinking? Iruka blushed violently. He hadn't even thought about the possibility that the report was simply late. All Shinobi had been instructed to file their reports as soon as they got back from missions but only Gai and a few others really did that. Iruka had been so sure Kakashi had lied to him that he never considered other possibilities, he had just assumed him to be as rotten as...

"I'm sorry." Iruka hung his head "I don't need to read this."

"You don't have to read it now, but I give it to you, so you can take it to the Hokage's office and file it officially." Kakashi answered, his voice was gentle but sad. "If you can find it in your heart not to hate me I would be happy beyond words. But if you can't, I'm not going to hold it against you and I promise I will not bother you ever again."

Kakashi stood up, hanging his head. Iruka was confused. This wasn't what he had expected Kakashi to say. 'I love you.' The honest tone of Kakashi's voice made Iruka feel bad for doubting him. Does he really care for me that much? It was hard for Iruka to believe. After Itachi. But Kakashi had been there for him the whole time. Without pressuring him. He had held him in his arms when Iruka had felt hopeless and cried. And Kakashi had never asked anything in return.

'I love you.' Kakashi's words echoed in Iruka's head. Not assailing or rousting but calming, reassuring him. The Jounin didn't wait for him to respond. It was a genuine confession like he had laid all his cards on the table and waited to be judged.

"I'm sorry," Iruka started.

"I see." Kakashi answered and turned around.

Iruka's eyes shot up to the Jounin. The split of a second it took for Iruka to realise what just happened felt like weeks.

"Wait!" Iruka stood up, grabbed Kakashi's shoulder and turned him back. "I'm sorry I reacted that way. I was just... I thought you were..."

"It's okay, Iruka." Kakashi's voice was tired "But if we're going to do this, you'll have to learn to trust me."

"I know." Iruka wound his arms around Kakashi and pulled him close.

Kakashi lowered his mask and kissed Iruka gently on his forehead. Strong, earthly scent of the older man made Iruka press closer to him. Kakashi felt big and safe holding him tightly in his arms. Iruka's arms pulled them even tighter together, he didn't want Kakashi to go away. He wanted to keep him there, close to him.

"Iruka, what's wrong?"

Iruka didn't answer. Kakashi took Iruka's shoulders and pushed him gently away.

"Iruka? Look at me. You're trembling." Worry coated Kakashi's voice.

Iruka looked down, but Kakashi could still see the glistering tears pouring from his eyes. He pulled the shaking Chuunin into a loving embrace.

Iruka didn't realise he was crying until he heard Kakashi's words. The sleep deprivation, fear and worry had drained all his strength. He didn't resist as the Jounin led him to the bedroom and sat him on his bed.

"Tell me what's wrong," Kakashi asked still hugging Iruka firmly. "Has something happened?"

Iruka thought for a second. He was jaded with arguing. Exhausted, he decided to give in.

"I was frightened that someone was following me on my way back from work. I thought I saw someone in the woods, but it could've been just my imagination." Iruka wiped his eyes.

"Everything's fine now." Kakashi's hands petted Iruka's side. "You need to get some sleep."

Kakashi pecked a kiss on Iruka's lips and rose up. He looked worn out and thoughtful. They had just made up and Kakashi already looked like he was about to leave.

"I have no work tomorrow... and, ehm, would you stay the night?" Iruka asked and saw Kakashi's blue eye darken for a moment.

"Un. I need to take a shower and you're tired. Maybe next time." The Jounin smiled and scratched the back of his head.

"I'd really like you to stay—I'm not asking you because I was scared but because I... I want to be with you. And you can take your shower here." Iruka's lip curved gently, it hadn't taken long for him to decipher the meaning behind Kakashi's words.

Kakashi stopped and looked at him for a while. Then his features relaxed and he smirked once more.

"I guess I could. If you really want me to."

Iruka flipped to the other side of the bed and up to his feet. He opened a closet, took out two clean towels and tossed them to Kakashi.

"Silly, I already said I want you to stay."



Iruka's eyes were lazily fixed on a knothole on his bedside table, his ears perked to the sound of water running in the bathroom. What a day. Too much had happened. He had thought he had lost Kakashi forever, he had been scared of Itachi again and now he was listening the man in his life take a shower, waiting for him to come to bed. 'I love you.' Did Kakashi really say it? The words had been emphasized but now Iruka wasn't sure if he had heard them at all. It all felt too much, too surreal. He felt tired. His eyelids drooped low and though he fought the sleep with all he had, it still wasn't enough. Soon the bedroom was filled with steady and soft breathing.


Kakashi stepped out from the bathroom. One towel was hanging low on his hips and he was drying his hair with the other. He was just about to say something when he saw the tanned Chuunin laying peacefully on the bed. Hands rubbing the towel against damp gray hair came to a halt as he admired the sleeping form of his lover. His blue eye glinted and his lips curved into a tender smile. He turned out the lights, tossed the towels over the bedroom door to dry and slipped in between the sheets. Careful not to wake Iruka he pulled the younger man into his arms and kissed him softly on the nape of his neck. Iruka snorted softly and pushed himself closer to Kakashi.

"Good night." Kakashi whispered almost inaudibly, closed his eyes and sighed with content.