Red

Howling, cat calls and the echoing sound of laughter disturbed Gaara’s concentration. ‘The hell?’, he turned his head slowly towards his door, contemplating whether or not it was something worth checking on..



A scream was barely heard over the other voices, triggering another round of laughter that sounded through the cold building. Gaara had a feeling that it was his name that was screamed. But who the hell would call for his help? ‘Kankuro?’



Sighing loudly he abandoned his jui-jutsu practice and padded barefoot out his door, heading towards the railing that encircled the entire second floor hallway. Gripping the cold metal, and leaning down a bit he could see that Sasori was holding someone. The puppet master’s wooden arms locked around strong biceps, keeping the captive’s arms slightly raised, with wooden fingers clasped behind the head, straining the neck forward as Sasori trailed his tongue up the straining ligaments of the pale throat before him, he bit down not too gently, making rivulets of crimson blood trickle from the wound. A hissing whimper escaping that trembling body again.



It was hard to tell just how the man looked, since Kisame was standing just so he blocked the view to the struggling prey. The large man laughing as strong feet kicked out against him, trying to keep him back, and Gaara could see that they had shredded the man’s pants, the blue denim hanging in shrivels down long legs, they had probably ruined the boxers too.

Kisame was slowly jerking his cock in long lazy strokes as he fondled himself. His dick hardening as he easily avoided the kicks lashed out from his furious prey.



But he could see silvery grey hair.. and he had to swallow hard not to lose his breath. He knew it wasn’t him.. the one he couldn’t stop thinking about. But still... Gaara leaned his stomach against the metal tube, leaning as far over as he could without falling. Ignoring the cold that bit into his naked upper body by doing so. He had to know.. even if it seemed utterly stupid to think that they somehow had gotten hold of Kakashi.



Something tight knotted in his stomach as he caught a flash of silver again, and a familiar voice screamed “No! Let me go you fucking retards!” .. it couldn’t?



Could it??



Gaara’s pulse sped up as his feet moved without him doing a conscious though about moving. He called his sand to him as he jumped down the stairs.. long, thick tendrils of sand reaching the center of the room even before he was down to the last step, the hissing of the grainy sand startling the men enough to make them move back a bit, their smiles faltering around the edges.



“Gaara?” Kisame turned with a frown only to be hurled into a wall with unhuman strength as a wall of crimson sand crashed into him. Sasori released Kakashi with a gasp as the grains curled around his body, tightening around his ankles before moving up his legs, seeping into his puppet joints. Immobilizing him. .



“Gaara. Stop it..” Sasori’s voice was calm even as the words came out hurried. His voice seemed to calm the raging sand wielder a bit as the sandy grains seeped back away from him, wild tendrils shooshing fast around gaara, whipping at his hair in a dangerous power display. Clearly telling the rest of the men to stay the fuck back..



The silence had fallen thick around the few men in the room. The atmosphere that had been light and playful for them all, save from one, had vanished.. and instead they sat there almost holding their breaths. Even Kisame held his mouth as he slowly got up from the floor, brushing himself off, only a small mutter about “fucking sand getting everywhere..” slipping from his lips, it made Genma smirk as he rolled the senbon around on his lips..raising an eyebrow at the furious red head. Never, had he seen Gaara this angry over someone getting hurt.



“So.. I guess I owe you an apology.” He smirked at Kakashi who was sitting almost naked on the concrete floor, only his sweater still intact. The rest of his clothes lying in shrivels around him on the ground. He was curled up on himself, his arms wrapped around his upper body as he sat hunched forward on his knees, looking down at the floor. Blood was seeping out from shallow rasps in his skin, where the knife they had used to shred his clothes had cut a bit too deep, tearing more than just fabric.



Tendrils of sand hissed as they circled around Kakashi, slowly but surely forming a little sand cocoon around him and Gaara, shielding them away from the rest of them.



It was so dark, Kakashi couldn’t even see his own hand in front of him. And Gaara, his precious Gaara didn’t say a thing. Kakashi had to strain his ears to hear the redhead’s even breath over the shallow trickles of rustling sand. He could feel how it moved all around him, little rivers of sand moving under his knees, his fingers.. almost like the sand itself was alive. And it felt like they were moving, slowly.. somewhere. But it was impossible to tell.



He wanted to reach out, wanted to touch Gaara, to hold him close.. he wanted to be held. ‘Fuck!’ He felt so damned vulnerable. He had almost, just almost gotten.. hell, he couldn’t even say it to himself without getting sick. That word.. ‘raped..’ A thick lump formed in his throat and he had to swallow hard several times before he felt he could breathe again, noticing that Gaara’s sand smelled metallic.. not salty like the sand on the beach. It smelled old, and metallic.. but still, it smelled safe. Stupid as it sounded in his head. It made perfect sense.. to just sit there, so close to Gaara, even if it wasn’t close enough.. he felt safe.



Reaching out a hand he brushed his fingers against a muscled thigh, and just like that.. the dark walls started to break down around him, trickling down like a magician’s silken cloth to flow around them, before it crept back into a giant looking thing standing leaned up against the wall.



And Gaara, his precious Gaara looked absolutely breathtaking in the dim light of the sun setting outside. He looked almost the same as the day he left.. almost.



He was still heartrendingly beautiful, like something pulled out from a wet dream. And Kakashi had a hard time looking away even as he felt his own naked body being exposed to the other. But right now, he couldn’t find the energy to feel the shame rising in him. The pulsing pain from his shallow wounds almost forgotten as he drank in the sight of the other.



Before him stood his precious Red, that same tussled red hair framed his beautiful face, loose strands tickling his love tattoo.. almost pouting pink lips were suckled on in that familiar nervous gesture that Kakashi had learned to love.. But those eyes.. those attentive eyes, still that dazzling green-blue colour. Like the shallow shores of a pacific island, nothing to disturb that perfect teal, the shade only enhanced by the black rims forever painted around them. But there was something behind that colour, something new.. something unknown. And even if this was his Gaara, his precious Red.. Kakashi pulled his hand back from Gaara’s leg and wrapped it more tightly around himself.



In that moment he realized that this really wasn’t his Red anymore.. not the familiar Gaara he had known only a couple of weeks ago. This boy before him seemed.... different somehow. Something that just fell around him. An aura of some sort, a certain coldness that hadn’t lingered around him before.



There was no love in those eyes.. if there was, it was well hidden.



Gaara’s voice sounded monotone and sure. Like he was reading a boring article in the newspaper. No emotions displayed. “What are you doing here Kakashi?”



And it really hurt, really hurt. A hole digging itself into Kakashi’s heart, making a foul lump block his voice. He didn’t want to speak now. It would only come out as a sobbing whisper..



Kakashi sighed and stared harder at a little black spot on the wooden floor, trying absentmindedly to decide if it was darkened blood or not. He didn’t want to have this conversation. Afraid that it wouldn’t hold any warm hugs, words of comfort or affectionate whispers of love.



But Gaara had saved him, had gotten mighty upset over him. Maybe there was hope?



Kakashi tilted his head slightly and stared up at the redhead. He stood with his pale arms crossed over a naked chest, his black cotton pants riding dangerously low on narrow hips. And damned if he didn’t look beautiful in the placid light. A shadow covered his face, almost hiding the love tattoo from Kakashi’s sight. But Kakashi could still see his eyes, those big open eyes. And he felt a tension leave him as he met that gaze. He could see confusion, hurt and anger in those eyes.. but most of all he could see longing, hope.. desperation. Gods, Kakashi wanted to sweep the boy up in his arms and take him home, just lie in the bed with Red in his arms and cuddle him close..



He felt a slight smile creep over his face as he shook his head.



“You didn’t think I would come looking for you? Did you?”



Gaara looked away from the handsome man sitting on the floor, his whole body language going stiff, like he was trying to crawl into himself. “No.. I knew you’d worry, but on some level I knew. I just hoped you wouldn’t come here.”



“Gaara.. I love you. Of course I’d come looking for you.”



“No! You.. you don’t love me.. you don’t fucking love me. So don’t say that. Maybe you think you do. But you don’t.. I’m not the person you used to know Kakashi..and the person.. this, this fucking monster I am now...” Gaara let out a little laugh, bitterness so sharp in his voice it made Kakashi’s heart ache just to hear the tone. “Trust me on this.. you don’t love me. I can’t be loved. No one loves what I am, what I really am. I just forgot, for the tiniest fraction in time, I forgot what I am, what I do.. and I’m sorry you got tangled up in that. But I’ll let you go now. So.. just, go..”



Inside, Gaara was dying. A little piece at a time rotting down, he could feel all to well how it was hard to breathe, how every word had to be forced out. He wanted so desperately to be hugged, to be held close, so close that he would be able to hear Kakashi heart beat against his cheek, that steady beat calming him, make him feel safe as the smell of his lover cradled him. But he couldn’t. Kakashi didn’t love him.. even if he thought he did. He didn’t.. and Gaara had to stay strong, for just a little bit. It would all be better for Kakashi if he found someone else.



Just the thought of that made him shiver, a cold creeping over him from the inside. Oh god, he couldn’t do this.. why couldn’t he do this? Why did Kakashi have to make this so fucking hard? “Shit!” Gaara cursed before he turned away, heading for his closet to get a pair of pants for Kakashi, because Kakashi needed to go.. needed to leave, before Gaara started to cry. And Gaara didn’t cry.. it was just something he didn’t do. No matter what. Tears would get you nowhere.. This was a fact he had known from early childhood. Something he had held close from a young age..



Crying was weakness, and that was.. Unacceptable. But yet, tiny rivulets of salty fluid ran down his cheeks even as he closed his eyes and took deep breaths. It was a silent cry.. but that pain kept flowing, and he was glad that his back was facing his precious sitting on the floor, looking so forlorn.



But how do you stop tears without sobbing? Without wiping at your eyes? Gaara didn’t know.. so he just tossed a pair of black pants back to where he knew Kakashi was and took a discrete deep breath. His voice just a little shaky, just a little thicker than usual when he spoke. “Here.. put these on, and I’ll let my sand follow you down.”



Gaara’s whole body stiffened as two strong arms wrapped around him from behind, pulling him back into a warm embrace, Kakashi’s nose and mouth pressing into the crook of his neck, rubbing gently against him. “Please don’t push me away Gaara.” And for just a second Gaara sagged back into that embrace, let himself be held against that strong pillar.



“I have to..”



“Why? I knew who you were Gaara. And I do love you.. don’t you ever question that. Please, please, please.. don’t push me away. I don’t think I’ll survive losing you again.”



“Again?” Gaara was still leaning back into Kakashi’s embrace, unknowingly tilting his head a bit to give his silver haired lover better access to his neck.



“When you disappeared two weeks ago. I was so worried Gaara, you have no idea. I thought.. oh god..” Kakashi’s hold around Gaara tightened and Kakashi pressed himself so close to him that they touched from head to toe. “I thought I had lost you.”



Gaara shook his head, trying to take a step away, but Kakashi refused, and responded by licking gently against Gaara’s soft skin. “Oh god, I love the way you taste..”



“Kakashi.. please don’t do this.. please. I- I’m not the Gaara you think you know. I’m a monster Kakashi, a killer. Don’t you fucking get that? I LIKE to kill. I love that thrill.. that rush I get when I see that last light fade from someone’s eyes. How it feels to have fresh blood sprayed in my face, that metallic tang to it as it hits my mouth, my face.. . You don’t want me..so just..get over your crush and move on. You have nothing here.” Even as Gaara said it, he started crying. Really crying, heavy sobs wracking through his frame and he gripped Kakashi’s arms, tugging them closer around him, leaning his head back to nuzzle into Kakashi’s hair.



Kakashi didn’t know what to say to that.. so he just kissed Gaara’s soft hair, rubbing in against him, making sure to press himself even closer around the trembling frame. “I do love you Gaara.. even with the monster in your head. And I won’t just leave you.. no matter what you say. I know that there is more to you than just the monster in your head. I know you.. the other side of you. Even if you do have your memories back, I can’t believe that the sweet Red I got to know is gone. All gone. I can still feel you... so deep in my heart, and if I were to rip you out.. I-I..” Kakashi took a tired breath as he kissed Gaara’s temple, letting his hands knead Gaara’s arms, warming the cool soft skin there. “Just please let me keep you.”



Gaara took in a startled gasp of air. Shaking his head lightly. Oh god.. how he wanted to just let Kakashi do just that. Keep him.. just sink back and relax into the man’s grip, to just crawl into bed and let Kakashi warm him. He had felt cold ever since he had left Kakashi’s house two weeks ago. A cold that gnawed at his very core, and no matter what he did.. it refused to let go. First now, with Kakashi’s sweet breath trickling into his ear, while those strong arms held him. He did feel like some of that ice was melting.



He sighed and settled back into Kakashi..



Just maybe.. maybe he could let the man hold him. Just for a little while? Maybe..



Kakashi’s lips against his neck startled him, they were so soft against his skin. He moaned low as a shiver rocketed down his spine. Oh yes.. a wet tongue darted out to lick at him, while the strong arms encircling him drifted over his front, a hand ghosting over his nipple before it cupped his jaw and tilted his head back. He felt the light press of teeth as they nipped at his skin, alternating between kissing, sucking and licking.



Oh god, Gaara was getting hard in seconds. Shit! The feeling of Kakashi hardening against his ass didn’t help his pulse slow. He hadn’t been able to touch himself ever since..



Ever since Sasuke.. Fuck!



He wrenched himself free from Kakashi’s grip in a hasty movement that made Kakashi stumble forward, but he caught himself in time enough not to fall.



“Gaara?”



“No..” Gaara sniffled as he stood shaking his head, over and over again. Just repeating low under his breath. “Nonononononononono” he couldn’t let Kakashi touch him. Just couldn’t.. he was dirty. Not only was he a monster.. but he had cheated on Kakashi too.. he didn’t deserve the man. He was too filthy. Even if he had scrubbed his skin, scrubbed til he started to bleed.. he could never feel clean.



Kakashi felt a pang of guilt. He shouldn’t have pushed Gaara, shouldn’t have tried to kiss him like that. But oh god, how he wanted to fuck, no.. not fuck. He wanted to make love to the redhead. As cheesy as it sounded, he wanted to pour his soul into that boy, wanted to show him.. just how much he meant to him. And now, now he had managed to push the redhead away. Him and his neediness. ‘Fuck!’



“I’m sorry Gaara.. I shouldn’t have done that..”



“No..”



Kakashi sighed and slumped his shoulders. “Gaara, I-I really don’t know how to fix this..but I do know that I love you.” Kakashi took a careful step up to the redhead, but was startled back as a wall of sand suddenly raised betweem them.



“D-Don’t touch me..” Pain, so-so much pain was laced in that voice. Kakashi could hear the tremble on the redhead’s lips, and it tore at him. Something was wrong.. something else than the monster. Gaara wouldn’t have reacted like this, not if it was the monster issue. The sand demon he had been told about was cold and heartless. Not insecure and frightened.



“Gaara? What’s wrong? Please... talk to me.”



Kakashi didn’t get a response, but he could hear faint whimpers over the soft rustling of the grainy wall flowing between him and his lover, like some liquid living thing. Reaching a hand out ever so careful, he touched that wall and relished in the feel of it parting for his searching digits.



He wondered for a brief second on why it didn’t harden and hurt him, but pushed the thought aside as the feel of sand parting like soft silk dragged over his skin, making the tiniest of thoughts appear in the back of his minds mind. ‘How would it feel like to let Gaara caress me with his sand like this?’ Kakashi had to lick his lips and shake the image from his head.



He needed to keep his mind out of the gutter, needed to focus. Gaara was slowly falling apart, and Kakashi had no idea on how to put the shattered pieces back together. But he was pretty sure that the last thing Gaara needed right now was sex.



He took a deep breath and took a big step through the floating sand, grumbling silently as he could feel how his hair felt heavy with sandy grains stuck everywhere. Gods, he hated sand. How fucking ironic..



But all thoughts was fast forgotten as he laid his eyes on the huddled form sitting in a corner, knees pulled up tight against a pale, naked chest. While fists pulled at that red shaggy hair. A mantra of “nononononono” Whispered between sobs. The sand reacting to the rage and sadness, whirling around the redhead like a whirpool.



‘Shit..’ Kakashi sighed and fell down to a crouch just outside that twirl. “Gaara.. what happened?”



“It was my fault..” Kakashi had to strain his ears to hear that faint whisper.



“What was?”



“I-I’m so sorry Kakashi.” Blood shot teal eyes glanced up at him before Gaara rested his head on his kneecaps again. “So sorry..”



“What are you sorry about Gaara?”



It was silent for a long time, only that shooshing sound of sand filling the emptiness. But it wasn’t a tense silence. Kakashi wasn’t about to press the subject, but he wasn’t about to just up and leave either. He settled down on the floor,reaching out for his shredded pants that lied in a heap next to him, pulling a book out from his ruined back pocket, pretending to read. Pretending to be reading his yaoi stories, just like always, while he really was almost holding his breath, waiting for his precious to calm down enough to call the next shot.



He had read and re-read the same page over five times and was just about to start at the top again, to figure out who this Jason was, even if he knew that the second paragraph described just that, when Gaara tilted his head up from hiding and gazed at him through red strands of hair..



‘Looks like he needs a haircut.. but god, he is beautiful’



“What are you reading?” Kakashi almost smiled at the question. Yeah, Gaara could tell him what it was that was wrong later if he wanted to. But it seemed Kakashi had won the first battle, and Gaara was slowly letting the sand creep back into that weird thing resting against the far wall again.



“I’m reading ‘Fuck fuck paradise, striptease at a disco’ 3"



“...oh.” Gaara nodded absentmindedly before he let out a heavy sigh. The smallest of smirks playing at his lips from kakashis antics. Leave it to the perv to make him feel better without really saying a word, only to bring out a smile when he first did.



“Come home with me Gaara..” Kakashi was careful not to sound pushy or demanding. But he really, really didn’t want to go home alone.“I’ll read you a fairytale, and let you sleep in the middle of the dog pile.. they all miss too, you know.”



Gaara sighed and let his eyes drop, biting at his lip in an uncertain gesture. He had missed that. The fairytales, it sounded stupid. But the silver haired man had been reading him various fairytales every night. Some with a certain naughty twist to them, but still.. fairytales. It made him feel so safe, just to hear the soft rumble of Kakashi’s voice over the soft thudding of his designated; `pillow for the night’s`- heart.



He nodded.. Yeah, he could just go home with Kakashi. And feel safe, loved.. just for one more night. But he wouldn’t let Kakashi touch him. He had told him that he could sleep in the dog pile.. that meant that he wouldn’t have to be intimate with Kakashi. And right now, that was just what he needed. To not be intimate..



He would tell Kakashi tomorrow. Yeah, Kakashi could start hating him tomorrow. But for tonight.. just for this one last time. He would hold on to that last piece of light. And if he just stopped listening to that little voice whispering to him in the back of his head. That little voice that was nothing like the monster, whispering that, ‘It really isn’t your fault, Kakashi will see that, and he will still whisper that he loves you, will still want you.’ Yeah, if he could ignore that voice, then maybe, just maybe it wouldn’t hurt that much when rejection came.