Breaking Apart

Breaking Apart

Warnings: DARK, TWISTED FIC. RAPE. Yaoi. I am writing this a stress reliever. It is twisted and MORBID with DISTURBING IMAGES.

Disclaimer: I don’t own Naruto. I am writing this for fun.

Beta: Sancta (Any and all errors are my fault. Had a problem formatting this one.)

‘Sasuke’s thoughts’
“talking”

Chapter 13: Old Language, New Bonds

‘It is just like Gaara to have an armory of guards with him now that I have decided to kill him,’ I think as Neji and I stand at the front gates of the Sand Village; being bid goodbye by an emotionless Gaara and a smirking Kankuro. I can barely stop myself from glaring at them. It is only my recon work from last night that lends me the self-control to keep from tearing all of those buffoons apart.

"Farewell," Gaara says dutifully, with no outward emotion, except for the ever-present 'drop-dead' vibe he gives me.

'Yeah, I hate you too!' I mutter internally almost finding our similar ill-will toward each other funny.

Almost.

"Farewell," I repeat dutifully, with a tint of boredom and a look of slight disdain. I refuse to let my real emotions seep into my voice. I gave enough away the last time I spoke to Gaara. Still, I can't stop myself from issuing a silent warning, 'When I come for you, Gaara…I promise you, I won't make it quick.'

Neji stands nearby watching silently. Sometime during the night, Neji decided he simply did not have enough information to understand Gaara. I could literally feel when he stopped thinking about Gaara and began worrying about what the implications of a war could mean, not only for Leaf, but for himself as well. As Hinata's official protector, the now head of the Hyuuga clan, it would be his job to accompany her. That could only mean one of two things, either she would revoke Neji's privilege of living off of the Hyuuga compound, which would mean no more constant Shikamaru, or she will let him 'live' there in theory, but demand he make himself available to her whenever she deigned to leave the city, which would mean no more constant Shikamaru. In the end, no matter how you looked at it, his life with Shikamaru is in jeopardy.

I suspect hiding underneath his austere shell is a desire similar to mine. The desire to kill Gaara. I barely listen to the final words being exchanged between Neji and Gaara. 'Neji is ever the proper, dutiful ninja,' I think with an internal smirk.

Reluctantly I have found Neji to be a simple man. All he really wants is what he needs to survive and having been raised in the Hyuuga clan as a side-branch member, his wants/needs are simple. He wants to control the things he can control with iron-fisted determination. At some point, Neji decided to maintain complete control over how he will conduct himself, his own personal choices, and his attitude towards his options. He is the perfect stoic, a slave with the carriage and the poise of an emperor.

As Neji and Gaara conclude their 'farewell' exchange, we turn simultaneously to head back to Konoha bearing grim news for the Hokage.

Thinking of Tsunade and her reaction to Gaara's behavior makes me refocus on all the possible ways to make him scream and beg before I kill him. But the timing isn't right. I need more time to come up with an effective strategy for destroy the Sand village. 'Making an example out of a village is hard work. And apparently my destruction of the Sound village was not flashy enough to warn people not to cross me in anyway; first Shino and now Gaara. This type of conflict must be stopped.' I think as I ponder the practical merit of razing the Sand Village to the ground. The reality is after the destruction of the Sand village, there will be no one else who would dare to take Naruto.

'I'll make such an example of the Sand village no one will dare try to get between me and Naruto again. Enough is enough'

I look over to Neji, as we rush back at a neck-breaking speed through the desert terrain toward the forest looming on the horizon. I need to know if he is on the lookout. However, when checking to see if he'd activated his Byukugan I refuse to search for him with my chakra.

Few realize that his blood limit is not confined to just detecting chakra. Exposing Neji to large quantities of direct chakra allows him to memorize the chakra signature. If he somehow gains access to his opponents' chakra signature, Neji's attacks become more and more deadly.

Chakra cloning is a dangerous talent in an opponent. 'When he perfects it, he will be almost unstoppable.' But as of right now, he is still working on controlling different elements. And his nature is so opposed to fire it will take him years before he can handle it even marginally well. So attempting to clone my chakra could prove to be deadly to him. He is not a real threat to me right now. Still, I'm working on my chakra precision so that I can execute moves with no direct chakra spill over. This will effectively stop him from using my chakra against me.

Still, I do not underestimate even this 'untrained' talent in Neji. Because even at his current level of expertise, if pressed enough Neji, could turn his body into a fire-bomb or something like it. The bomb would kill him, but it would kill me too. And unfortunately, Neji is capable of that kind of move, that kind of commitment to a kill. That is what makes Neji such a fearsome opponent; he has no limits to his resistance. He will fight to the death, just so that he does not have to bend to anyone else's will.


'That is something he shares with Naruto,' I think with ironic amusement. Most people wouldn't see the similarities between Neji and Naruto. The ability to live without the fear of death or dying is something they both have, albeit for different reasons. Both Neji and Naruto can give everything they have, including their own lives, without fear. The only difference between the two in this regard is Naruto always believes there will be more of himself to give; where Neji knows he may reach his limit. But as long as he decided to reach his limit, he doesn't care if he dies in the process. No matter how you understand it, neither Naruto nor Neji are afraid to live their lives to the limit of possibility, to the brink of death and beyond.

I think this remnant of Naruto in Neji is why I never really tried to seduce him. He would have been a huge conquest. He's sexy as hell. Though he's thinned out a bit too much over the years, he has still managed to grow to a solid 6'1. His hair, which has always been long, falls to the back of his knees now when he lets it down. He and I have bathed in lakes together on missions and I will never forget how Neji looks with his hair floating around him for almost four feet. And he is powerful. After Naruto and myself, Neji is the strongest ninja in the village. And let's not forget, he's dangerous. And the threat he poses is made more so because Neji is not easily cowed or intimidated. A man, who is willing to die for no other reason than he has decided to die, is a dangerous man. Period. He's everything I would look to conquer in an affair. But to conquer Neji I would have to kill him or break him. Both of those options are unacceptable and defeat the point of the exercise. I want to possess his spirit for a time, bend it to my will; not erase it.

Also, Neji is too much like Naruto. Sleeping with Neji would have felt like cheating on Naruto, because Neji really could have been a substitute for Naruto. Neji is everything that Naruto is, but differently. They're like night and day, but they represent different parts of the exact same day. I knew immediately after becoming Neji's partner 4 years ago that sex with Neji would become more than mere sex quickly. I know that if Naruto never existed, I would have loved Neji. Therefore, to have sex with Neji would have been a true betrayal of Naruto. I would have come to love him. And I couldn't betray Naruto like that. Not Naruto.

Neji and Naruto may not be conquerors like Gaara and me, but they are rarer and more precious for the fact that they could be conquerors, and have decided not to. They could be the strongest most demanding nin around, but they are instead the most unassuming, caring ninja to be found.

To be plain, Naruto and Neji are special. Everyone who meets them see it. It is not a secret.

Even Gaara sees it. The only emotion that he showed was his regret for having to disappoint Neji. So though Naruto has far more of this humble strength, than Neji, mainly because Naruto truly is the strongest ninja ever born, due to Kyuubi- Neji still deserves respect for who he is and how rare a person like him is to find.

I look over again to find Neji looking at me. Taking in his handsome face and his expression of stoic acceptance of the world and his plight in it; I finally admit to myself, 'Face it. Neji is not your enemy. You might even like him as a person.'

As if reading my mind, Neji slows to a slow speed and draws closer to me. I knew we would not make it home without a conversation. Neji has a habit of conferring with me over mission details before we get back to Konoha. Our mission reports to Tsunade are always precise and well-thought out because he and I haggle over the details and significance of a mission before we ever arrive at Konoha. We're efficient that way. Here is a place where Neji and I get along. We are both 'get the job done and get it done well' kind of people.

"What are the chances of war?" Neji asks simply.

"Likely," I respond just as simply.

I suppress my surprise when Neji comes to a full stop. I continue on for a couple of yards before stopping and turning to face him.

"Why?" Neji responds projecting his voice across the distance between us.

'I will not repeat myself. I’ve already indicated to you that I don't know.' I stand staring at him across the clearing.

It comes as no surprise that Neji begins to emit killing intent. 'I knew something was up. Neji wants to kill me, not Gaara,' I think with warped amusement. 'And you think you know people...'

My outer expression of boredom does not change, but my body straightens itself to battle readiness. 'I'd hate to kill you, Neji. Especially now that I realize that I might like you as a person. Don't take this little challenge too far.'

"Why?"

I stand silently. Waiting. ‘Looks like he wants a fight.’ Unfortunately for him, a good fight is exactly what I want right now, what I need. Still…

"Do you really want to fight me, Neji? Is that going to solve anything?" I state quietly, not taking my eyes off of him, ready at any time to crush him quickly if I have to.

We stand there staring at each other, him with activated aggression, and me with a quiet acquiescence. If it is a fight he wants, then it is a fight he shall have. But if it is information he wants, then I will tolerate this inquiry to a certain degree. What is happening between Gaara, Naruto, and I is none of his business even though our situation has an affect his life. Still, I suspect I owe him some sort of explanation. He's been my partner for several years now.

"Why is Gaara willing to go to war over simply getting the chance to see
Naruto?" Neji asks impassively.

"I don't know," I respond simply.

"You must know. What is going on with Naruto? Why is Gaara so dead set on getting him out of the village for a time?"

Repeating myself makes me irritable. 'I told you I don't know, you bastard.' Instead of answering I just wait. 'If this is how this conversation is going to go, then let's fight and get it over with. I'm one day away from Naruto right now, and I really don't feel like wasting time having a directionless conversation with you.'

"Why don't you know?" Neji asks changing tactics.

'Better…'

"I don't understand what is between Gaara and Naruto."

For some reason this surprises Neji enough for him to falter in his intent. I can feel him powering down slightly.

"They are obviously friends," Neji says dryly, tilting his head and slightly narrowing his eyes. I know this look. Neji is puzzled by something.

"Where is the harm in sending Naruto on this mission anyway? I was told he has made a complete recovery. Why are you willing to wage war to deny Gaara's simple request?" Neji wonders softly aloud, as if he is talking more to himself than me.

But I know this trick; he is simply fishing for information. I need to be very careful that my body language doesn't give away what I have no desire to be known. Neji is impossibly good at reading me when he wants too. Because let’s face it, as my partner, seven out of every ten problems he has in life are caused by me.

"He's not ready," I answer.

A short silence falls as I watch the wheels of Neji's mind grind and shift. "Hn," Neji snorts with disgust as he completely dissipates his killing intent, "You mean you're not ready. Naruto's been ready for months."

I grind my teeth and refuse to outwardly respond. 'You don't know anything about it.'

"What I don't understand is why you aren't ready? From what I could hear three nights ago, it sounded to me that you and Naruto were getting along fine. Isn't it time he rejoined the rest of the world? It misses him you know."

The rage and fear that begins to course through my veins are colored by so many conflicting desires I cannot suppress. My desire to possess Naruto, my desire to conquer him, but mostly, mostly I cannot suppress my desire to protect him. 'Neji cannot understand. Naruto is not self-sufficient. He can't take care of himself. He will get himself killed with his stupidity.'

Kyuubi cannot heal another extended period of injury. No one but Tsunade and I know the truth- not even Naruto. There is no way he could have made a complete recovery from the injuries he suffered in the Sound Village. Naruto is as good as mortal now. But he has no idea how to live like he can be killed with a major strike. He fights like he lives, with abandonment, passion, and no regard for the consequences. But if he were to find out the truth, then everything would change. Naruto would have to change to save his life.

'All he knows how to do is live without fear of death. To introduce the fear of death into his life will change him forever or worse, it won't change him at all and he'll get himself killed by not knowing his limits. Either way, I am so close to losing Naruto, my Naruto. I can't allow him to leave me, even death cannot have him…especially death.'

I don't know how long we've been standing here. Me, lost in my thoughts, Neji trying to work out what is puzzling him.

"He's not a child," Neji calls softly to me. "You cannot keep him away from the world forever."

With a startled glance I focus my attention on Neji, 'Did I give away my fear? I am sure I displayed none of my thoughts on my body. How does-?'

With a wry little smile that looks completely out of place on his face, Neji continues, "I live with Shikamaru. You are an open book compared to him."

I rock back and wait for my anger to direct itself at Neji, but it never does.

"He is recovered," Neji states firmly with absolute certainty and authority, "It is not fair to Naruto for you to keep him like a slave to be mastered, or like a child to be cared for and guided. He is not a slave. And he is definitely not a child. We can't have everything we want, Uchiha."

The litany declarations and the sound of my last name whip across my face forcing me to avert my eyes. Though Neji is the center focus of my attention, I can't help but marvel absently at what Neji has just initiated.

'That is clan speech. I haven't heard it in so long.' I can barely believe that Neji has initiated a rite of clan justice with me.

I immediately understand which rite Neji is invoking. It is rite used when a clansman wants to interrogate another clansman's ill-behavior. However, because Neji began with declarations instead of questions, it appears he believes I am guilty of something for which I am not responsible.

Judging by the tone of his voice, should I accept Neji's interrogation, he is going to try to seek out the extent to which I have unwittingly committed crimes against another person and absolve me of those crimes due to ignorance. The absolution that is offered in this kind of rite is not free, however. If I take part in…this, then I will have to endeavor to educate myself on whatever is the source of my ignorance upon the threat of death.

All of my training as a member of the Uchiha clan rushes back to me. In clan justice, ignorance is an excuse. It is up to the community to teach everyone what he or she needs to know to survive and live peaceably with others. If a clan member does not know something that causes him or her to act criminally it is the clan's fault, not the individual.

Neji initiated one of the only forms of criminal interrogation that allows a clan member absolute amnesty, because the rite assumes the ignorance of the accused clan member. It is meant as an education tool as well as a corrective measure.

For a moment I stare through Neji reminiscing about the world I was born to, the world Itachi took away. I remember again that life is more complex than innocent or guilty. It's a place where there is more than one-way to be a victim and more than one way to be a victimizer. A place where I was at-home and I understood everything going on around me.

This is what Itachi killed. By leaving me alive and everyone else dead, he killed Sasuke Uchiha in a way that is far more cruel than the quick death he afforded our mother and father. He made me live in a world with no one to depend on, no one to talk to, and no one who knew me. I was left with no way to make friends, no way to communicate, and with no understanding of the new world I was thrust into. Everything I knew and everything I was became obsolete the day he destroyed our clan. And instead of killing me, like a merciful brother would, he left me with absolutely nothing but the air in my lungs. It hurt me more that I was so concerned with surviving I begged him to spare me. I still think far too often about the shame of my pleas and the ruthlessness of my brother.

With a shake of my head, I forcibly bring my mind back to the present.

Because here is Neji, offering me something I thought was forever lost to me. One of the things Itachi took away, what hurt the most was that he took away the world in which I understood the language. I had a means of speaking, of being heard, of being listened to. I knew how to talk to everyone, and they knew how to talk to me. Itachi took my language away from me.

And as I was bathing in his blood, the last of the Uchiha blood, because there is no Uchiha without a clan- killing the other Uchiha was the same as finally killing my clan, I mourned my family and clan as I had never before. While Itachi begged for forgiveness, initiating apology rite after apology rite, I listened. Some of the rites I recognized and some of them I didn't. But I listened with silent tears thinking it was the last time I would hear such speech directed at me. I thought that was the last clan conversation I would ever have. Killing Itachi meant killing my language.

And yet, right now Neji is offering me a clan conversation. And by offering a clan conversation, offering to make me a part of his clan, offering to restore my language.

The sense of warmth that sweeps through my body is surprising. Something I had thought to be dead inside of me sprang to life.

So I wait. Because in my old language, in our clan language, I cannot respond until...

"Respond," Neji demands, reading my mind.

I almost smirk. But any type of show of emotion would have been out of place. There are no emotions involved in the rite Neji has initiated. Emotions have no role to play in interrogations like this, just valid information. There will be no blame after this interrogation is over. A bond will be formed. Neji will be held accountable to and for me, and I will be accountable to and for Neji. In most instances, this is an unstated fact because that is what being clan means.


Neji and I have been partners for 4 years now. I know I can trust him. I know he will go to hell and back with me just because he has decided to. He has proved that to me time and again. He has honor, determination, and he is dangerous when provoked.

'He will make a good clansman,' I think as I finally decide to participate in the rite.

"He is not recovered," I start officially initiating my role as the accused in the clan rite Neji has started. "He cannot recover. He was too badly hurt. And though he is not a slave or a child, he is a dobe. He will get himself killed one day not realizing his limitations."

"Your answer shows exactly where you are ignorant," Neji begins with a stoic certainty. "Naruto's intellectual capacity is not in the same category as his being a slave or a child. To be seen as a slave or a child is to be seen with a denied or underdeveloped sense of agency. A slave cannot act as he would like because it is not his decision to determine how he should act. A slave is a human being made into a thing. Naruto is not a thing.

"A child is a developing person, whose agency is limited by what that child can understand about the world. They are developing humans. Children have to grow into full agency. Naruto is not a child. He knows more about the world and how it works than any child could know. That he chooses to act in ways other adults would not who are fully aware of the consequences does not make him a child. You have made a category mistake," Neji concludes.

I almost cluck my tongue in annoyance. 'Of course, Naruto isn't a slave. And he's not an object to be possessed. But the fact that he is such an idiot makes him akin to a child. He needs looking after.'

"Respond," Neji commands.

"He is not a slave. But he is child-like. His ignorance and stupidity make him act in ways only children act. He needs a keeper. The next time he-"

"Being child-like doesn't make Naruto a child," Neji interjects as is his right as interrogator, "Naruto is an adult. He has his own dreams. He has his own desires. That you do not approve of them, does not give you license to turn him into a child. Think carefully. If he were a child you would not want him. It is the man you want, but also the man you hate. You cannot have both. You cannot have what you love about him, and suppress what you hate. The pull of these emotions will tear you apart and worse it will tear Naruto apart as well."

Though my expression remains impassive, in my mind I am shouting, 'I don't hate Naruto! I lov-.' My mind falls blank before I can complete the phrase in my head. For a moment I stand before Neji without a thought in my mind.

After a minute of silence, I ask myself, 'Do I love Naruto?' I know he is all I have. But that doesn't mean I love him. It just means I keep what I have.

But then Naruto isn't a possession. He isn't a slave. Is he? 'Yes and no, I guess. He is my lover that ties him to me, I suppose. But he is not an object.'

He's… 'Do I hate him?' The question erupts in my mind interrupting all other thoughts.

"Respond."

Facing Neji with a blank expression that I know is turning into a show of confusion; I realize I don't know how to respond. 'I am confused. Do I hate Naruto? Do I love him? I only want him, right? I keep what is mine, right? But he's not an object, right?' I don't know what to say. I don't know how to respond. I feel a strange sense of guilt as I realize this interrogation has run its course. I don't know what I expected. These types of rites are supposed to end up with the accused lost in confusion.

Abject confusion is a smoke signal for ignorance. It tells me that I am missing major bits of information that I need to comprehend my situation. If there is no confusion, then the accused is not ignorant about the extent of his crimes. If there is confusion, then the accused truly is innocent, by way of not knowing what he or she has been doing. The type of ignorance Neji has uncovered in me is one where this lack of knowledge actually makes it so I do not know how to act responsibly. 'I thought I was being perfectly reasonable in how I have been acting toward Naruto, but apparently I have not been. I've been acting irresponsibly.'

When I don't respond Neji continues, his speech patterns change because it is time for him to impart the lesson. "All this time, you've been 'protecting' Naruto and you don't even know why. You don't treat him like an object, but you think of him as one. You don't treat him as you would a slave, but you think of him as one. You don't even know how you feel about him? You don't even know what you truly regard him as. A friend? A lover? A despised addiction? A beloved obsession? You don't know what Naruto is to you. Does this not seem irresponsible? Our clan," Neji says to invoke the seriousness of such an error, "does not behave in manners for which we have no reason.

“You are acting like a child. A child unaware of the grounds for his actions. Should I treat you like a child, because you are acting in a child-like manner by acting without thinking, Uchiha? Is that the punishment you deserve? Should I apply the same measure of justice to you that you are trying to apply to Naruto? Should I tie you to my side controlling your every move so that you do not act like a child again?"

Each of Neji's questions drives the point home to me. My logic is flawed. It cannot be applied to me. I would not allow such logic to be applied to me. So why is it okay to apply it to Naruto? Stripped of the justification for treating Naruto like a child due to his childlike behavior, I think, 'What am I doing? How do I feel about Naruto? What is Naruto to me?'

"I will not treat you like a child though you are acting like one," Neji continues after a short pause, "I will not confine you to a small space so that I will know you are safe. I will let you live, Sasuke. Though the next time I ask you for the motivations of your actions, I expect a sound answer. I absolve you of your crimes against Naruto. But you need to find out who he is to you, how you feel about him, and why you hate him. Only someone who hates him would treat him the way you do."

I don't have to wait for Neji to give me permission to respond anymore. I can chime in wherever I feel like it now that he has broken the structure of interrogation by saying my name.

"I don't hate him," I say quietly.

"You hate something, Sasuke," Neji says closing the distance between us switching completely back into everyday language. The interrogation is over; I am absolved of my behavior to this point. It is clear. My lack of understanding about my motives is unacceptable. I have been behaving irresponsibly. Only children consistently behave without clear understanding of why they act. For an adult to behave as a child is criminal. And now that my behavior has come to my attention, I must fix it. Because should Neji be required to have another conversation about this with me, then he will then have a duty as a clansman to exact punishment for my crimes. It is his right, because as of right now my crimes are his crimes, and his crimes are mine. 'I'd hate to have to kill Neji. I'd hate to have to kill my clan again.'

"You hate something about Naruto, Sasuke," Neji repeats, "Maybe you should start by figuring out what it is you hate about Naruto."

I can tell by his tone that this statement is the last I will hear on this matter from him. Our conversation is closed. But the rite is not complete. Though the matter is settled, the affirmation of the bond forged is required to end it.

Even through my confusion, I am clear on what I am supposed to do next. Out of respect for our bond newly forge; I extend my arm, "Thank you, Hyuuga."

With a small nod of acknowledgment, Neji grabs hold of my forearm so that I can grab hold of his. And with a slight squeeze, Neji responds, "Anytime, clansman. Anytime..."

"Now," Neji continues as he drops my arm and backs away a couple of feet, "What are we going to do about the Sand? I don't trust Gaara. He's too much like you."

The irony of that statement, after having just formed a clan bond with Neji, makes me smirk through my confusion and fatigue. The reminder of what it means to have clan warms me a bit. Members of a clan do not have to pretend as if every clan member is perfect. Clan connections lie outside of one's likeability. Like being part of a family, being part of a clan is an unbreakable connection. Neji's answering smirk lightens my spirit a bit.

"I agree," I say, my smirk deepens into a rusty grin, "Gaara is far too much like me."

"It is war, then?" Neji asks seriously, though you can tell from his tone he already knows the answer. He turns and starts toward Konoha at a slow pace.

"It is war," I affirm.

"I hate war," Neji sighs as he begins to pick up speed.

For a second, I am taken aback by the show of emotion that sigh carries. 'That's right. I'm clan now- there is no reason to hide from me.' I grow a little warmer.

"Hn," I grunt increasing our pace toward Konoha. "I love it," I finish allowing the menace I feel toward Gaara to reflect on my face.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Neji quicken his pace to match mine while executing a motion that looks like he is rolling his eyes, and muttering "warmonger" under his breath.

"Maybe, but it is my war to wage."

"Our war." Neji corrects softly.

"Our war."

I know the answers I am going to find concerning Naruto will be hard for me to handle, but I am ready to get home just the same. 'Home,' I think as I pick up the pace to our usual speed. ‘Let’s go home.’

TBC