Almost Sucks

Almost Sucks
by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: March 24th 2006, Friday
second version: July 29th 2008, Tuesday

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I usually don’t write in first person so this was kind of an experiment chapter for me. I don’t really know why I wanted to do it, it just felt obvious. Like ‘Gaara’s chapter should be in first person, duh.’

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DISCLAIMER: I don’t own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I’m just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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14: Gaara of the Sand

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I sleep about four hours every night. I go to bed around eleven, whether it’s a weekday or weekend, and wake up around three as rested as I get. I spend the rest of the night going for walks, watching the stars that are much more visible out here. They’re much better now than they used to be though, my sleeping habits. There were times when I didn’t sleep at all.

Around six my brother gets up and around seven my sister does. My brother is obsessed with his looks and stays in the bathroom until my sister can’t wait anymore and chases him off. While they go about their morning routines I watch them with one eye and the cartoons on TV with the other. I’ve already finished everything I need to do before the day starts, because that’s what I do when I get tired of walking.

There are not as many things to do here at night as there were in the city. I suppose that’s one of the reasons I sleep as much as I do these days. When I lived in the city there were always places to go, people awake that you could watch or bother or kill: always work to do. You didn’t have to go to sleep. Sleep was for when you ran out of things to do, and in the city you never did.

At eight, the bus to school shows up for me and Kankuro. Temari likes exercise and takes the bike to the station from where she takes the train to her university. Kankuro gets off the bus before I do, goes to the same school as Lee.

We moved here together when our father died, a little over two years ago. The apartment is not very big, but we don’t need more space. It’s just the three of us, no mother, and we spend a lot of time elsewhere. My sister with her boyfriend, my brother with his friends and I with Lee.

The first time I really met Lee we fought and hurt each other. He hurt me some, I hurt him a lot; almost killed him. Then came Naruto.

Naruto is one of the most powerful individuals I’ve met. He’s not very clever when it comes to things like math and physics, but he’s absolutely brilliant when it comes to being creative and never giving up. He’s also brilliant when it comes to inspire and making people want to be the best they can be. He brings out change in people, first by making them see what they really want in their lives and then by making them believe that they are capable of getting it.

He doesn’t say the smart things. No logical reasoning that makes sense to your brain and convinces it that change is possible and what you want. He yells things that should make no sense at all, but it strikes right at your heart and it breaks something that has been so integrated with you that you didn’t even know it was there. You break and then, when you’re broken, you realize that was all you needed. When you pick yourself off the ground, something has changed. You have changed.

That’s what he did to me. He hit something in the heart I barely knew I had, hit it so hard that I had no choice but to know that it was there. And when I knew, I couldn’t have stopped the change even if I wanted to.

-

Most of the days I have lunch with Naruto. We go to different classes so aside from some breaks lunch is the only time we get together in school.

Naruto talks and smiles a lot during lunch break. He says ‘this food is great!’ and eats a lot, tells me about everything interesting that has happened since we last saw each other, mostly a lot of things. To Naruto a lot of things count as interesting; monsters he’s killed in games on his Playstation, what he had for dinner, what strange dream he’s had during the night and what funny thing that teacher in that class said. He talks fast, as if there are a thousand things to say and he wants to get it all out. And he smiles and grins and laughs.

The things he says are meaningless, but I like lunch break nonetheless. It’s not about what Naruto says; it’s about how it touches you. Like his voice is a physical thing. Some, many, say that he’s loud and his voice is annoying. I can understand why they say that, but I like to hear him speak.

This day we sit alone at a table for four. Most of the people have left already and it’s quieter now than it was when we got here. Lunch is almost over.

It’s Thursday and Naruto worries. His heels jump under the table and he frowns. Uchiha Sasuke is still sick. He’s been sick all week. Naruto has been there to drop off homework, he says, but Sasuke has never answered the door. He doesn’t say that he’s worried, but he is.

Uchiha Sasuke has invaded Naruto’s mind and taken up residence. Many lunch break talks have been about him; about his horrible attitude and how frustrating he is, about how he always wears the same kind of black clothes and about his hair and how much fixing it must need.

When we’re away from school Naruto talks about the other things, about love, future marriage and how he hopes the fighting is a cover for something else; or I tease him, about Sasuke in the showers or what the fighting is a cover for.

This week Naruto has been now and then thrilled, now and then worried, now and then cranky and constantly edgy. Sasuke spent the weekend at Naruto’s house because his foster father pretended to be away at a seminar and now Sasuke is sick.

Naruto has told me most of what happened. Sasuke kissed him to scare him off; Naruto kissed back and then kissed him again when Sasuke was sleeping. Their relations are amusing but I don’t like how they confuse Naruto.

One day he talks about the weekend grinning with glittering eyes, the other he mutters and kicks dirt just thinking about it. Sometimes he’s convinced that Sasuke isn’t sick at all, that he’s just faking because he’s afraid of facing Naruto again. Sometimes he’s not so sure and worries that it’s something serious. He says he knows that Sasuke likes him, despite the attitude and the fighting, and that’s why it’s so frustrating; but now and then I see the doubt and confusion in his eyes.

It makes something simmer in me; something I don’t want simmering.

“He’s such an asshole!” Naruto exclaims “He’s been gone for four days!”

He looks at me expectantly, frowning. He’s been talking for a while now with me just listening, but he’s getting tired of it now.

“Hey, Gaara?”

“You could break into his house and confront him.”

Naruto’s frustration weakens and he begins to pout.

“But what if he’s really sick?” he whines.

“It’s probably just the flu,” I say. “Nothing that will kill him.”

“How do you know?”

“Because I’m stalking him,” I lie.

Naruto snorts, doesn’t believe me.

“He’s such an asshole...”

He pushes some carrots around on his plate with his fork for a moment before he looks at me again.

“Wanna come over today?”

“Sure,” I say and his frown fades some. He eats the carrots left on his plate.

-

I knew of Uchiha Sasuke long before he came here. I knew of him before I came here too. I never met him in person but I had seen him from a distance and I had heard of him.

They said he was a good fighter, that he was popular with the girls and that he had spent years at a mental institution after his brother killed his family. They also said that he played with both the Leaf and the Sound without joining either and got away with it. They wondered why.

The Sand, the Leaf, the Sound and other ones. Factions. It was just a pretty word for gangs really. You joined and got a secret hideout, friends and some rules to follow. The rules were fairly simple; you didn’t share secrets, you respected your friends, things like that. And you didn’t hang out with the other factions without good reasons. There hadn’t been an outright war for years but there was tension and no friends cross-faction.

Since Uchiha Sasuke never joined either the Leaf or the Sound, one could argue that the rules didn’t apply to him, but of course they did.

I never cared about him, never cared about most things, but of all the gossip I heard from people that didn’t know I was there, the ones about Uchiha Sasuke had stuck. I suppose it was his bloody history, as such things had appealed to me in those days.

I was surprised to hear that both of us had found our way to this small place.

-

Iruka has given Naruto a note with groceries so we get off the bus by the store, a few stops from his house. The door slides open before us and Naruto smiles and waves at Yumi the cashier, a pretty woman that looks younger than she is and always smiles and waves back.

I take a wire basket and Naruto takes one too, to make things fair. I never carry the basket when Lee takes me shopping. He says its training and takes all of them, sometimes several on each arm. I get to take things from the shelves instead. Milk and bread, pasta, loads of meat and vegetables. He smiles at me all the time. Naruto smiles too, I suppose, but there is a difference. Lee’s smile and Naruto’s smile might look the same to someone, but to me they are miles apart. Lee’s smile makes me feel warm and alive.

“Do you think he buys his cigarettes here?” Naruto asks without specifying. He doesn’t have to. I put the two packs of milk in my basket and go to get the apples.

“Maybe. How many of these?”

“Ah,” Naruto hurries after me and fishes out the note, wrinkled after spending a day in the pocket of his jacket. “Um, five. The red, small ones. He could easily convince Yumi to let him buy even though he’s not allowed. There’s can’t be a girl alive that can resist him.”

I heard from Iruka that Naruto fell instantly in love with Yumi when he saw her; one of those innocent, with-eyes-sparkling crushes that only eight-year-olds are capable of. I think he even confessed. He got over it but she’s still his favorite cashier.

“You can’t resist him either,” I say but I don’t think he heard.

“It’s bad, you know! Those things are gonna kill him.”

Naruto gave a gasp and froze with his hand an inch from a can on a shelf.

“Maybe that’s why he’s sick. Maybe he’s got lung cancer!”

“Yes,” I say, paying more attention to the apples. “Because I’m sure he started smoking when he was an infant and goes through five packs a day.”

“You... You don’t have to smoke that much, do you?” Naruto asks hesitatingly. I don’t need to look to know that he’s frowning.

When we pay he tells Yumi not to sell any cigarettes to any new really good-looking guys our age. He says he’ll never forgive her if she does. She smiles and says of course she won’t, ‘minors have to stick to gum’. We pack up our things and then we leave.

After getting to his house and helping Iruka to put away the groceries, Naruto shows me where Sasuke lives. He is loud and overdramatic and uses the term ‘the new neighbors’ instead of ‘my future bride’, in case Iruka overhears. He’s keeping the marriage thing a secret for now, he’s told me, doesn’t want Iruka to worry. When I tease and ask if we shouldn’t just go and confess already, Naruto growls and drags me off to his room.

At some point the mood changes. I sit in the armchair. He stands by the open window, leaning on the sill. The sun is on his face and his hair seems even more blond and shining; one foot supports his weight and the other pokes toes against the floorboards. There is a small frown on his face that could just be there because the sun is in his eyes, but I think about the weekend.

Naruto can be overly dramatic and overly optimistic and he can charge at things without thinking because he just knows what’s right; but he can also be solemn and reflect on things. He seems to grow several years when he does that.

He told me what happened but I can’t help but feel that there’s something more to it. Maybe there is. Maybe there is something there that matters but he can’t put words to it, or even single it out. Sometimes something is so different about him now, and it has been there all week; like there were two months between Friday and Monday.

“What happened this weekend?” I ask.

He doesn’t look surprised, doesn’t look away from the view and the sun. Doesn’t say ‘I’ve already told you what happened.’ That was Monday and this is Thursday and we both know it.

“I don’t know,” he says. Then he glances at me, turning his head slightly.

“I can still feel it, you know? When I close my eyes and remember, my lips still tingle. Like he’s still there.”

I watch him. He smiles, but with less joy than there should be.

“I want to go spy on him,” Naruto continues. “I want to break into his house, and kiss him again. I think he would like that too.”

Then he sighs.

“But he would punch out my teeth anyway,” Naruto mutters. “He’s so frustrating.”

I don’t know why he is so sure that Sasuke likes him, when at the same time he’s so sure he would get violent. It makes sense to me, who knows more about Sasuke and what he’s been through, but how does Naruto know?

It is that innate wisdom of his. Naruto just knows, even when he doesn’t know that he knows.

I have no doubt that Naruto could do to Uchiha Sasuke what he did to me. He could hit his heart and bring him change. But does Uchiha Sasuke want to be changed? I wanted to. I yearned for it, for something different, my siblings not fearing me any more, but does he? And does Naruto care?

“I had no idea you were such a stalker,” I say and as expected the mood is infected by Naruto’s indignity.

“I’m not a stalker!” he exclaims and turns away from the window to face me. “I just like him, and he likes me. Can I help that he’s too stubborn to admit it?”

“Do you even know he’s gay?”

“He kissed me! As a weapon!” Naruto crosses his arms over his chest. “You wouldn’t do that if you weren’t at least a little gay, would you?”

I open my mouth to reply but he stops me.

“No! Don’t say anything! I don’t want you to confuse me.”

He sniffs and drops down on his bed, rolls onto his back and stares at the ceiling.

No, he probably gets enough confusion from Sasuke. And no, Naruto probably wouldn’t care if Sasuke didn’t want to change. Because he cares too much about people to let them hurt themselves. He would see Sasuke’s ways and cringe at the sadness in them. ‘How can you push away love!?’ he would exclaim and his eyes would tear up and he would shake. And he would do what he had to do.

“Hey, Gaara?”

“Hm?”

“Do you think I’ll turn into a smoker if I kiss him too much?”

-

That night I walk longer than usual, taking a route I don’t walk very often. The sky is clear and I can see the stars. They’re not bright tonight, but they’re there. It’s cool outside but still August. Dark, but I stay close to the streetlights along the road.

It’s quiet; the steps of the one following me can’t be heard. My time in the city, with the Sand, honed many skills however and I can sense him clearly. I sense no hostility and let him follow me for a while, until he starts to get closer. Then I stop. He does too.

“What do you want?” I ask and it’s quiet and still for a moment. Then I hear him take a few steps closer, hear him for the first time. It’s intentional; his way of saying ‘I come in peace,’ without actually saying it.

“Just talk,” he says.

I turn and see him standing in the shadows on the path behind me. We’re on a narrow trail running from one road to another through a small pine grove. I know his face.

“You’re Uchiha Sasuke’s friend.”

“Yeah,” he shifts “Nara Shikamaru.”

“I saw you at his house today. You saw me and I scared you. And I scare you now.”

He stands like he wasn’t scared but he is. His voice is stable and he talks like I was just anyone, but he knows who I am. There is no doubt that he is scared.

“You’re Gaara of the Sand,” he says. “Right? Those bangs hide something, don’t they?”

I raise a brow. He is bold for a someone who’s heart is racing that fast. I lift my hair to show him what he expects to see. The red Japanese kanji of love. I used keep my hair short to show it off because the people around me all knew the meaning of that red letter. I used to like seeing people scared.

I keep it longer these days, because I’m not the same.

“But I quit,” I saw. “It’s just Gaara.”

“I don’t want Sasuke to get hurt.”

“What makes you think he’d get hurt?” I ask, but I know what he’s thinking. Sasuke’s connected to the Sound and the Sound murdered my father.

Nara Shikamaru seems to make a decision and straightens, relaxes, slides a hint of a smile on his lips; as if he wasn’t facing who he’s facing.

“A lot of the times he’s a bother,” he says. “He’s stubborn and can be amazingly stupid for a smart guy. But he’s my friend and I will not let you hurt him.”

For a few seconds I don’t understand and I frown. Then I realize and I can’t help but smile. So that’s what this is about?

“You want me to kill you,” I say. “You’re a member of the Leaf, unlike your friend. You threaten me, I kill you, they kill me and your dear friend is safe.”

He isn’t smiling anymore. His gaze is hard; he is determined.

“It’s genius,” I continue. “I’m a well-known murderer; the Leaf won’t hesitate to put me down if I kill one of their children. And because I quit they don’t have to worry about the Sand retaliating. My siblings will be angry but they don’t have enough influence to change anyone’s mind.”

I smile. He flinches without wanting to. He seems impatient, must want it to be over.

“Your dear friend will get to cry over another coffin, but at least he will be safe. Safe and alive to grow up and fall in love, you’re so noble. I assume you’ve taken precautions to make sure I don’t run after your dear Sasuke right after you’re dead?”

“You won’t hurt him,” Nara Shikamaru’s voice is low. His hand is clenched around something in his pocket. Cell phone maybe? For his last call. I let some silence and watching him build up the tension.

“No, I won’t,” I say eventually and shrug. “I don’t care about the Leaf or the Sound, but I have a friend who’s very fond of your friend and I don’t want to make him cry.”

Nara Shikamaru blinks, surprise all over his face; as if the path is suddenly invaded by pink unicorns. But I suppose in his eyes this is about as bizarre.

“Sorry to ruin your show,” I say before I turn and start walking again. “Let’s throw rice at their wedding instead.”

I lift a hand and let that be my ‘see you’.

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