Breaking Apart

Breaking Apart

Warnings: DARK, TWISTED FIC. RAPE. Yaoi. I am writing this a stress reliever. It is twisted and MORBID with DISTURBING IMAGES.

More Warnings: This chapter is largely unbeta’d. My beta, Sancta, saw an earlier version of this. But a great deal has been revised. So, please, read at the risk of being irritated by typos.

Disclaimer: I don’t own Naruto. I am writing this for entertainment.

A/N: Sorry about the wait. Thank you to all the reviewers that reviewed. And thank all of you for your patience with my slow updating. I really am trying.

Chapter 16: You’re Not Alone


‘Naruto’s thoughts’
"talking"

As our laughter dies down I peer at Sasuke taking in his mirth-filled eyes. His face is still largely impassive, but I can see him. I can see a softening. ‘Finally,’ I think to myself. ‘Finally, he is softening towards me. Maybe there really is a chance for my night with Sasuke.’

Though my outward expression of merriment doesn’t change, I watch Sasuke’s eyes begin to question my good-natured attitude. ‘He is probably confused by my new attitude. After all, the bastard really does not know me very well. And now I know that he never will.’

Still, I wait. I could make the first move. I could break our companionable silence first. But I’d rather wait and see what Sasuke makes of this new situation.

Watching him settle into his contemplative posture, I take in the picture he makes. Having arrived from his mission in less than full uniform, Sasuke is still wearing only the fishnet undershirt. I can see his flat nipples and his washboard stomach in my field of vision even though my eyes are still locked with his. It is clear he has no intentions of looking away as he waits for me to back down and look away. ‘Leave it up to us to turn this moment of camaraderie into a staring contest,’ I snort to myself, secretly pleased that we are falling into old habits. Habits we’ve had since before my captivity in the Sound Village.

‘I have to admit, a contemplative Sasuke is a hot Sasuke. Puzzled and sexy as hell.’ Sitting with his head propped up by his forearms while his head rests on his folded hands, I take in his visage. Even if a man can be called beautiful, Sasuke is not beautiful, I realize Dangerous…yes. Erotic…yes. Intense…yes. But beautiful…not really.

I watch him intently as small flickers of expression manifest in his eyes. First, there is curiosity over my attitude, then speculation over my intent, and back to a more speculative curiosity concerning the limits of my good will. To this curiosity, I allow my lips to curve into a lazy smile that narrows my eyes at the corner. When Sasuke’s dark gaze warms with unabashed desire, I allow myself an internal chuckle, ‘That’s it, bastard. Be curious enough to give me what I want. Want me, Sasuke. Want me any way you can have me.’

When a flash of concession shines out of Sasuke’s eyes, I breathe an internal sigh of relief. But still, I wait. He has to concede control to me by making the first move. The rules of control have not yet been established.

“So what’s your plan now?” Sasuke asks with a gleam in his eyes as he allows his expression to show that he is deliberately giving me the power position over our play, over our bleeding drama of a life.

‘Ah, my Sasuke wants to play,’ I think with a purr as a thrill of anticipation runs down my body.

I allow my face to fall into an easy smile. “That’s up to you, bastard,” I start as I slowly ease out of my chair, leaning over the table towards him so that my face is barely one foot away from his. At that distance, I stop and stare.

Never moving from his contemplative position, he stares back. His expression shows no emotion now. But I know. I know he is warring with himself. His desire to dominate everything and his curiosity are warring. ‘I know you so well Sasuke. You have always been at the mercy of your curiosity. That is why the Sound and Orochimaru were so tempting. That is why you agreed to participate in the half-baked plans Sakura and I dreamed up to see under Kakashi’s mask. You cannot fight your curiosity and you never could.’ Fighting to suppress a smirk, I lean in further so that my lips are a mere six inches from his.

Eyes wide open, I stare into his face as I revel in the intimacy of this moment- one of many I have planned for tonight. Hating to break the silence, but knowing he needs some sort of encouragement, I say in a tender, soft whisper, “I know you want me. And I know you’re curious. I want to answer your questions. All of your questions, Sasuke. But you have to ask.” ‘That’s all you ever needed to do, bastard,’ I continue silently.

With that I allow our lips the lightest of touches before pulling back so that our lips are inches apart again. I watch Sasuke’s eyes flutter closed. I can feel myself beginning to get lost in him, in his mood, in his desire ‘Come on, Sasuke. Let go. I’ll take care of you tonight. I know you want to know what it feels like for me to claim you. I know you do.’

I wait, but I do not retreat to my side of the table. Instead, I allow my eyes to roam over his features. Taking in the little imperfections that make up this man. This man who inspires extreme emotions in me. I see the vulnerabilities more clearly now than ever before. I see the set of his jaw that refuses to believe in anyone but himself. I see the hollow of his eyes that awaits the pain that has always resulted from his mere breathing. The pain that came from being born an Uchiha. But I also see his greatest strength. That thing that has always tied me to his side. I see the wild fluttering of his hope. No matter how cruel he has become, no matter how cruelly the world has treated him, he always has held this fragile hope. I have no real idea what he hopes for, but the fact that he hopes at all is what makes everyone in his life believe that he can be saved. It has made me believe it for so many years.

I allow my eyes to reflect how much I want to provide for him tonight. How much I have always wanted to heal what small part of his damaged soul I could. ‘Let me save you tonight, Sasuke. You’re not alone right now. I’m here. Look at me, I’m here.’ I think as I try to will Sasuke into opening his eyes to truly see me. Really see me.

It works. Because Sasuke’s eyes flash open. ‘I’m here, Sasuke. You don’t have to be alone tonight.’

I watch Sasuke’s mouth open to speak, unaware that I’d started to hold my breath.

In a hoarse whisper, Sasuke asks, his mouth mesmerizing me with its hopefulness, “How good are you, Naruto?”

A pang of remorse shoots through my body at this question, because I know immediately what it really means. It is a typical Sasuke question, meant to express a number of questions depending on the person, but he only actually has one meaning for it. ‘How good are you in bed?’ translates to ‘will you take care of me?’ ‘How good a person are you?’ translates to ‘will you take care of me?’ ‘Are you good enough that you have forgiven me?’ translates to ‘will you take care of me?’

It is my turn to close my eyes against the emotions welling up in me. I move several inches away from him as remorse threatens to strangle me with its hold. ‘I would have killed to hear that question not one week ago.’ The difference of one week has made in our lives brings crushing realities that almost overwhelming me. I thought I was ready for this. I didn’t realize how much this is going to hurt in the long run. This is going to hurt me just as much as it will hurt him when I have to end it. ‘I would have given my life to him. I would have taken care of him until the day he was killed in the Hokage’s office. But now… Oh, Sasuke. No, I will not be here to take care of you. But tonight, I promise you- tonight I will give you everything I have. Everything I once believed you deserved.’

Suddenly, the wrongness of my actions hits me square in the face. I am not planning on a future with Sasuke. I also know that he has no intentions on giving me up. But even now, even while my heartbreaks at the bitterness and the sweetness of this moment, knowing that it is only temporary, knowing this is all I ever wanted…I can’t help but believe I am in the wrong. I am not like Sasuke. I cannot betray him by lying to him about a possible future I will not allow to happen. I will not lie and exploit his vulnerability just to get what I want.
‘I have to tell him the truth,’ I think to myself. ‘If he doesn’t want to continue, I’ll live with it. I’ll live with not having my night. But I won’t lie. I won’t become like him’

Opening my eyes, I can feel the tears beginning to build. I almost feel like screaming at him. Railing against him for ruining even this moment- for ruining my ending by being ready for his beginning. A beginning I cannot allow. Not now. Not after everything.

I swallow my bitterness. Swallow my remorse and sadness. I feel one tear fall down my check as I say, “Tonight, Sasuke. Tonight, I’ll be as good as you need me to be.”

I freeze as I watch something like uncertainty flash in his eyes. I wait. This has to be his decision. I laid my intentions on the table. I can only promise him tonight. Tonight is all I have to give right now.

I feel another tear fall down the same path as the first as I prepare myself for his reaction. ‘I’m so sorry, baby. I used to think I was good enough for both of us. But now I know better. I am not good enough. Or maybe you are too twisted. Either way, this is all we have. Don’t turn it down. Please. One time. Do this one thing for me,’ I beg silently with my eyes.

As if my silent pleas reached his ears, Sasuke raises from his still perch and brings his face along side of mine. I can feel his breath on my ear. Afraid that any motion on my part will somehow ruin the possibility that Sasuke will concede power to me, I try to remain as still as I can.

“Alright,” he agrees in a raspy, low tone. His breath fans the flames I’d been keeping at bay as I waited for him to decide. “For tonight…”

My heart jumps. Having waited too long, I catch Sasuke up in my arms and transport us to our bedroom. Standing in the middle of the room with Sasuke in my arms, I think with satisfaction, ‘Tonight is mine. I’ll make it good for you, Sasuke. I’ll make it good.’ I suppress my desire for him as we stand there. For the moment, I suspect neither of us are eager to move. Because for once we agree, for once we are of one mind…this will not be a fight to survive. This will be us together at a place where neither one of us has to be alone.

As Sasuke rests his head against mine, I start to feel like I can be all he needs me to be. Hold him close, letting my body and hands make the promises that my words could never make, I start to try to heal him. Just for tonight, he is not alone.

Running my hands down his back, I seek to smooth out knotted and tired muscles. I slow my breathing so that my presence becomes calming. Sasuke’s near-rigid frame speaks to his uncertainty- his doubt. The first thing I need to do is soften him or this night will be wasted with his need to be unassailable.

Refusing to mutter nonsensical phrases of comfort, I hum. A faint, soft tuneless hum. Meant to be heard more in my throat and chest than through my mouth. I begin to hum so softly that someone standing 2 feet away from us probably wouldn’t have been able to hear. And that is just how I like it. Right now my voice is not for anyone else; it is not even for me. My voice is only for him. It is only his to hear. As if he understands my gift, he shifts his face so that his ear is pressed to the side of my neck. ‘For you.’ I think. ‘All of me; everything I am is for you tonight.’

Humming a melody-less tune, I continue to sooth this dangerous man in my arms. It is the danger and the vulnerability that I find irresistible about Sasuke. As much as the aura of danger turns me on. Tonight I want to expose his vulnerable side. The side I once believed was only for me.

Feeling him begin to melt in my arms makes me feel strong and needed. ‘I knew I could tame you,’ I tell him without words, my hands roaming his body without the intent to arouse, but rather with the intent to create a world where only he and I exist. A world where there is nothing to fear, where we are both safe.

‘No one else can give you this. You will never find another like me for you, Sasuke,’ I think sadly. ‘Because no one you’ll ever met will love you as much as I do- as much as I tried to…’ Trying to let my very being leak into his so that he never forgets who he was with on this night and how much he was loved.

I lose track of how long we stand together. Me taming him, him allowing himself to be tamed. As I hear his breath begin to even out, I know that he is drifting in a sleepy haze. I turn my face into his hair and breathe in his scent. I can feel him relaxing into the atmosphere I have created around him made of my desire to bring us together into a world of our own.

It becomes clear that Sasuke is almost asleep. He is almost leaning his entire body weight on me. ‘Well, here goes nothing,’ I think as I move test the stupor I’ve attempted to place Sasuke in. Slowly and effortlessly, I reach down to pick him up so that I can lay him gently on our bed. I wait to see if he is going to flash to instant awareness and refuse to place that much trust in me. And though he doesn’t flash to instant awareness, he tenses up immediately when I begin to sweep him up.

“Shhh,” I whisper into his ear as I turn to set him down on the bed. “I have to set the silencing jutsu and make everything ready for you. I’m taking care of you, remember? Let me, Sasuke.”

With my last entreaty, I begin to feel him slowly relax again. I know that he notices that I can maneuver his weight as if he were a child. I also know that my physical strength doesn't threaten him. He could lift me just as easily. Also, with my arms full of him, I am in the most vulnerable position should I wish him harm. If he wasn’t secure that he could kill me instantaneously should I turn aggressive, he would never be this content to rest in my arms.

Once I place Sauske on the bed, he immediately curls onto his side. ‘He must be really tired.’ Remembering the night he had before he left and knowing he must have had very little sleep while on his mission to the Sand Village, I realize that he must be nigh to exhausted. I sit next to him on the bed, stroking his arm, humming, wanting to be sure he stays in this state of relaxation and comfort.

I move away when I am content that he is settled and relaxed. I make sure to broadcast my presence and chakra signature so that he knows that I have not left him, so that he knows that he is not alone.

As I move to set the silencing jutsu, I also add the room-sealing charm. Not because I want to keep Sasuke trapped here with me, but because I want to keep whatever is outside waiting to intrude outside. ‘Tonight will be perfect,’ I think with determination. Also, I know that Sasuke will be more comfortable if I make sure there can be no witnesses to his vulnerability. In that vein, I set a no-peak jutsu on the windows so that no one can see into our space. ‘Tonight is for us alone.’

I can tell that Sasuke is already deeply asleep as I hear his breathing even out. Taking in his elegance even dirty with the vestiges of his mission in the Sand Village, he still looks like a sexy bastard. Staying where I put him- trusting me enough to sleep and wait for me. My heart swells with tenderness.

As soon as the tenderness begins, again, a wave of remorse hits me. ‘Damn it, I wanted this from him everyday! He’s mine!’ I think even as I realize that Sasuke has never been mine. When I watch Sasuke’s peaceful form shift under my scrutiny, I immediately calm myself. Not wanting to break the spell I have worked so hard to cast, I push all of my angst and remorse away. ‘Now is not the time.’

I turn to our bathroom to draw Sasuke a bath after I set a jutsu in the bathroom that reduces sound rather than eliminates it. ‘I would hate for the running water to wake him up,’ I think to myself.

One of the only things Sasuke has ever approved of in this apartment is the size of the bathtub. I was told the previous tenant had it installed herself. It easily fits Sasuke and me. And I remember many nights when I was suffering from panic attacks and throwing up from fear, Sasuke would draw us a bath and he would let me rest against him for hours. Heating the water time and again until I was ready to face the world.

I promised myself then that I would return the favor. ‘And I never go back on a promise.’

I start clearing off the surfaces in the bathroom. Pulling out the vanilla pillar candles of various sizes that I stored in the bathroom at some point in anticipation of this night. ‘Though I thought the circumstances would be somewhat different,’ I think wryly to myself. I still am quite grateful I had the foresight to ready this room for my plans.

After setting the candles, I turn off the running water. Looking around, I pull out the massage lotion and the expensive lube that I bought about 3 weeks ago. Smirking to myself, ‘I wonder how Sasuke is going to take all of this attention. He’s hardly the patient type. I’m sure the bastard will want to jump straight to sex. But I have waited years for this and I will never have it again. I want to experience everything I can, while I can.’

I light the candles. Then look around satisfied with my handiwork. The bath is steaming. The lights are casting a warm glow off of the white tiles. Looking at the lube and massage lotion, I mutter to myself, ‘Time to wake him up.’

Seeing Sasuke peaceful and resting gives me pause again. ‘I should let him sleep,’ I think. ‘Naw, that bastard will have the rest of his life to sleep.’ I move near him to set the lube and lotion near the bed, as I lean over to wake him up. Sasuke comes awake the minute my breath hits his face, but he clearly is not ready to get up as he barely moves from his initial sleep position.

‘Too much gentling,’ I think to myself with a faint trace of humor. Turning to whisper in his ear, with a smile for his antics, “C’mon. You know you want to get up. There are candles.”

I can almost hear his internal snort of indifference, as he burrows slightly into the bed.

“There’s a bath,” I whisper in his ear as my smile widens. I already know that will do the trick.

And like clockwork, he rolls over slightly, so that his lips are almost touching mine. In a deep, sleep-warmed voice that goes straight to my groin, he asks, “A bath?”

“A bath,” I say against his lips.

“A bath and candles,” I repeat smiling warmly against his mouth. Moving away, I continue, “Now I could carry you, but then you still would have to stand to take off your clothes.”

"Hn, dobe,” he says impassively, though his eyes sparkle with amusement and desire. As he sits up, I still his hands as he starts to lift his shirt over his head.

“Let me,” I say as I kneel before him and unravel the tape adorning his arms and calves. Taking my time removing his layers, I allow my hands to give whispers of caresses as I divest him of his clothes.

“Believe it or not,” I start in a low tone, “I will always think fondly of your tape.”

I don't have to see it to know that a knowing smirk has developed on Sasuke’s face, “Don’t forget. We are always willing to serve.”

“Hmm,” I hum as I glance up from my hands that are in the middle of unfastening his pants to see a slight blush rise on his checks. My hum reminds him of how easily he was gentled and put to sleep. I respond playfully, “Good to know.”

The exchange served to shave a little off of my patience. My body remembers the fire and burn of sex with Sasuke. And though my own style accords more with my own element, wind, I can’t say that I didn’t enjoy being ridden by Sauske’s fire. I feel my own face heat up a bit at that analogy. ‘I better get to it. Any more of this and I am going to throw him down and fuck him right here and now. And gods,' I think with a wave of desire, ‘I know just how much he would love that.’

Watching the knowing leer develop in Sasuke’s eyes makes me more determined to show him what he will miss when I am no longer a part of his life. ‘Anyone can fuck you, Sasuke. No one can make you need and no one will ever be able to satisfy that need like I can. No one.’

I finish unbuttoning his pants as Sasuke stands up to step out of them. I make quick work of the rest of his clothes. And rock back on my heels to take in Sasuke’s masculine strength and elegance. Strong limbs, lean muscle, heavy cock. This man is perfect.

“Are you going to stare all night, dobe?” Sasuke asks wrily, still never raising his voice above a whisper as he looks down his body into my face.

It is a night for whispered words. “And if I do?” I challenge softly.

Sasuke’s answer leaves my insides shaking with desire for him.

“I’ll wait. I’ll wait to see what you have planned” Sasuke says with serious eyes.

My eyes immediately drop to his hardened cock. I can’t help but give it my full attention. “And if I say, I want you to show some initiative?” I ask softly.

I feel the smile spread across my face as Sasuke steps nearer to me, grabbing his engorged dick so that that the tip rested on my lips. I raise my eyes to his so he can see the picture he wants. Me on my knees, his dick resting on my lips, and a genuine smile spread across my face.

I watch his eyes soften even more as I start to tongue the head of his dick. My eyes not leaving his. Allowing saliva to pool in my mouth, I ready myself for when I will take him into me. I already know I want to make this quick. There are other things I want to do. Other acts yet to be performed. But I also know that a sexually frustrated Sasuke is an impatient Sasuke.

Grasping Sasuke’s hips, I whisper, “Fuck me,” before I close my eyes and my mouth over his dick. Immediately, I relax my throat as I begin to bob my head using my saliva to slicken his dick and my lips for easy passage.

Sasuke’s head falls forward. He’s a watcher. Even when he cums he will not close his eyes. Not when he is with me, at least. His eyes will try to consume me as I swallow as much of him as I can. As I consume him.

When he feels my mouth begin to relax around his length, I feel him beginning to thrust. If I didn’t have to focus on suppressing my gag reflex and swallowing at appropriate times, I would have smiled at the quick rhythm he set. ‘No, this isn’t going to take long at all.’

Knowing just how to bring him off, I look up at him through my lashes. Displaying how much I love it when he fucks my mouth. How much I love the pain of some of his harder thrusts. Groans are escaping his clenched lips. Feeling like gold, I start to hum. The same tuneless hum that gentled him earlier, makes my throat reverberate around his cock’s head. I take hold of his hips and move his hand away from his cock as I force him to thrust deep into my mouth. I force his hips to still with him almost full in my mouth, as I hum and swallow, swallow and hum. His cock held steady between my thumb and forefinger, I push my full hand softly against his groin, pushing his balls back away from his cock gently with my thumb. Knowing how much he loves the pressure. The sharp cry he gives almost brings tears to my eyes. ‘I love that I can do this to him. I love this.’ Semen splashes into my mouth. I don’t swallow it all. I don’t even try to. He loves to see it running down my face. Loves to see me leaking around his cock.

My hand on his hip steadies his heavily shuddering frame. I feel his cum leaking out of my mouth as I pull back to take a deep breath. I quickly close my hand over his length. Not stroking, just squeezing every now and again as semen drips down my face. I look at him again. I don’t remember when I closed my eyes. But seeing in his eyes how hard he came- How much he loved it- I smile that same smile from earlier. This time my mouth is covered in his cum. Seeing the delight he takes in seeing my smile painted with his cum, I begin to lick my lips. It doesn’t surprise me when Sasuke drops to his knees to help me clean my face. He always does this. I love this just as much as I love giving him head. I love the way we share this moment. 'I’ll miss this.’ I think as Sasuke finishes cleaning my face.

He reaches for my own throbbing cock, but I brush his hands away. “I can wait,” I say softly, “The bath cannot.”

Moving to stand, my hands immediately go to my own clothes. I don’t rush in taking off my clothes, but I am not particularly careful either. My eyes never leave his and his gaze never leaves mine as I divest myself of my uniform.

Standing naked in front of him, I close my eyes, give him he needs to look at me. Naked and hard for him. Grateful now for the heating jutsu I set on the water, I wait for him to look his fill, then I open my eyes and reach out my hand to him.

Waiting for him to take it, waiting for him to accept me again, I stand completely still. There is no hesitation in Sasuke’s demeanor as he reaches up to grab my hand. I feel his trust like a shot to my groin. Feeling my dick jump at the thought of bearing the trust of this man, I smile quietly, as I lead to the bath awaiting us.

“You sure,” Sasuke says, his head gesturing to my erection, “I can take care of that.”

“You will,” I say in a quiet voice, “Right now, we both could use a good cleaning.”

With a shrug, Sasuke concedes. We take very little time showering and rinsing off in the separate shower. As we turn to enjoy the bath I have set, I get in first and pull Sasuke in so that he is sitting between my legs. Expecting some resistance, I get none as he moves to settle his head back on my shoulder- his back to my chest.

Having him so close, leaning on me, leaves me with a feeling of tenderness I have never felt. ‘Mine,’ I think as I wrap my legs around him and he moves to support my legs- pulling me closer.

Not wanting to miss a moment of this time, I trail my fingers down his chest and arms. Soothing again this dangerous beast, making sure he stays vulnerable.

“You can say it,” Sasuke says in a quiet voice, melting even further into my caresses.

“Say what,” I ask softly, truly perplexed.

“You can tell me how weak I am,” he says in a toneless voice.

“Weak?” I ask quietly, not quite understanding Sasuke’s point. “You’re not weak.”

“I’m weak, Naruto,” Sasuke says while he attempts to burrow himself even further into my chest, pulling my legs around him more firmly, “I know your terms. And still I couldn’t resist this, even if it is just for one night.”

Pressing my lips into his neck to sooth this new morose mood. ‘Why is everything so black and white to him? Weak or not weak. Sometimes we all need to rest. We all get tired.’ I think with more than a small bit of affection.

“Oh that,” I begin nonchalantly. “Well, I guess we are both weak then,” I say as my lips curl into a smile against his neck, “We both can’t resist the promise of one night of peace.”

Sasuke falls silent again. I sprinkle small kisses on his neck and shoulder.

“Naruto,” Sasuke calls softly. I glance at him to see his eyes closed and his face relaxed.

My heart swells to see him so relaxed with me. The candlelight is casting shadows and making him look soft and serene.

“Hmm,” I answer softly rubbing my chin along his shoulder.

“Keep humming,” he orders with a sigh.

Smiling slightly at Sasuke’s inability to relinquish complete control, “Only for you, Sasuke. Only for you,” I say as I begin to hum for him.

‘This will always be ours, Sasuke. This part of me is always yours. Please, remember how much I loved you once. And I promise never to forget that for one night you were mine.’

TBC