Formspring Drabbles

Title: The Break-up
Pairing: KakaIru
Summary: Short written for KakaIru Formspring
Question: Iruka, has Kakashi ever tried to break up with you "for your own good"?
Disclaimer: Clearly don't own given that I'm not japanese or a guy and the author is.
AN: I was SUPPOSED to be writing fics that I have sitting in my scraps but this thing came out instead. Oh well.

“It’s just--” Kakashi looked down, away. “I don’t think we should be together anymore.” He reached over and carefully pulled the kunai out of the tree, carefully tucking them in his leg pouch. “I think we should go our separate ways.” The tone of his voice was even, flat and his expression matched.

Iruka shook his head. “No.”

Kakashi sighed then turned and walked away, heading for the bridge that separated the training grounds from the rest of the village. “It wasn’t really a question. You wanted to know why I was avoiding you and I told you.”

Running to catch up, Iruka grabbed Kakashi’s, arm and tried to stop him. “How can you even say that?”

Kakashi pulled his arm away and continued to walk.

Iruka stared at him, frustrated and desperate for a way to fix things. He didn’t even understand why though. Kakashi had been the one to chase him, he’d been the one to initiate a relationship then-- he’d just pulled back. There had been no warning, no fight, no reason at all that Iruka could see, he’d just started avoiding him. “Kakashi you have to at least give me a reason!”

He didn’t turn around. “Because, I’m bored.”

‘Bored’. The word hurt but didn’t ring true and Iruka grabbed him again. “If you’re going to lie to me at least make it believable because right now I believe that about as much as your completely asinine ones about why you’re late.” He frowned then let Kakashi go. “If you have dinner with me tonight at seven, we can talk about it. It’ll give you time to come up with something I’ll believe. Either tell me the truth now or give me that.” His voice didn’t break when he said it, at least that’s what Iruka told himself.

Kakashi shrugged and walked away. “Don’t wait up.”

--

Iruka stared at the bentos then out over the rooftops again. He’d fixed Kakashi’s favorites, miso with eggplant and broiled saury, and sat out on the roof hoping he would see Kakashi if his boyfriend decided to show up. As foolish as it was he’d also been hoping that maybe Kakashi would see him and decide to come.

It was nearly midnight and there was still no sign of him so Iruka stood up and picked the bentos up. He was shaking slightly as he walked towards the edge of the roof to his balcony. “It’s cold out. The tiles are cold. I’m just chilled,” he whispered to himself. Iruka knew it was more than that but he intended to lie to himself at least long enough to get inside.

Reaching the edge of the tiles Iruka swallowed and took a slow deep breath to steady his nerves. “If by chance you’re watching please--” Iruka broke off as tears trickled down his cheek, “--even if you won’t come home to me, always come home safe.” The tears frustrated him but Iruka didn’t wipe them away. It was dark enough that wiping them from his cheeks would have made it obvious to anyone that they were there.

He looked up at the sky for a moment, the full moon filling his gaze. “I love you.” Slipping over the edge and through the balcony, Iruka hoped that even if Kakashi wouldn’t tell him why he’d heard him.

--

Studying the schedule, Iruka excused himself from the mission desk and headed home. It had become routine after three weeks and routines made everything easier. He went to work, did his shopping, let his friends drag him out when they asked, but it all felt distant. Iruka didn’t feel like it was actually him doing those things. Eventually, he was sure, that would change and things would go back to the way they had been before he’d fallen for Kakashi. He just wasn’t sure when that would be.

Iruka stopped by the market and picked up his usual order. It still included saury and eggplant but both would go into the freezer, unused, the way they had for three weeks now. “It’s a good thing I didn’t hold my breath,” he muttered.

“I’m sorry? Did I take to long getting your order ready, Iruka-sensei?” Miko asked.

Looking up, Iruka let the words sink in then frowned. “Oh! No. Sorry, Miko-san. I was lost in my own thoughts.”

She frowned, tilting her head to the side and furrowing her brow. “Are you okay?”

He was momentarily reminded of Kakashi and froze. It took a moment before he was able to shake the feeling but it wasn’t the first time he’d done that in the time since they’d broken up. “Nothing for you to worry about Miko-chan. Thank you for the concern though.” Iruka smiled and it was honest because he did appreciate the thought. Handing over the money Iruka hesitated then tightened his hold on the bag and sighed. “Next week I won’t need the eggplant or the saury so you could just with hold both from my order from now on. I’ll take kobacho, turmeric, coriander, cumin, fenel and cardamon instead.”

“I’ve never known you to be one for curry,” she laughed, writing the things down on a piece of paper.

“I guess I’m tired of being boring and having the same thing all the time.” Iruka kept his tone as cheerful as he could. He could throw the frozen eggplant and fish in with it and it’d be covered by the taste if he made it hot enough. Frozen eggplant wasn’t good for much beyond soup anyway. It could be his way of saying goodbye. When he ran out he simply wouldn’t get anymore and maybe by then it would hurt less.

--

Iruka sipped at the beer in front of him. “Why did I let you talk me into this Anko?” He’d never been fond of bars in the first place but it had only been two months after Kakashi broken his heart and the place seemed even less interesting. The smoke, the noise, the people... none of it was anything he wanted anything to do with right then.

“Oh don’t be such a party pooper Iruka-kun. You’ve been pining over him for months now, it’s time you got on with your life. That or time you got laid at least.”

“I’m not here to get laid. I let you drag me here but I’m not going home with somebody just to ‘work out a little tension’.” Iruka set his lips into a tight line and fixed her with his best ‘don’t think you’re going to push me around’ look.

Anko laughed, grabbed his arm, and pulled him towards the back tables. “Who said anything about going home. Drunken sex in a bar is fun.”

’That’s exactly what I need to humiliate myself on top of feeling like crap...’ He couldn’t tell her that though, she’d feel bad, and she was trying to help in her own special Anko way.

She pulled him over to a table where Genma and Ebisu were talking to Kotetsu and Izumo, slid in, and pulled him down with her. “Hey boys!” Anko grinned and took a swig from the bottle of beer she had.

“Oooh you brought the living dead out I see,” Genma laughed.

Ebisu elbowed him then picked up his drink and rolled his eyes. “Ignore him, Iruka.”

“It’s fine. I know I’ve been a little depressing to be around. I’m trying not to be.” He couldn’t help it, the ache in his heart wasn’t getting any better. Iruka took a long gulp of his beer and shrugged.

“So, uh... you never said but...” Kotetsu hesitated, and looked over at Izumo for a second then back at Iruka. “You know...”

“Why’d you guys break up?” Izumo asked, obviously on Kotetsu’s behalf.

Iruka sighed and took another drink. “He won’t tell me. Well he said he was bored but--” he shook his head, rolled his eyes, and laughed humorlessly, “--that wasn’t it.” He had theories of course. It had been over and two and a half months, just over three if you counted the two weeks of avoidance before the actual break up. He had theories. With that much time to think it was inevitable but without Kakashi to tell him they were just that. Iruka had wondered more than once if knowing the truth would have made it easy to move on but a part of him that refused to give up, that made it so very painful, insisted that Kakashi’s refusal to talk to him meant the truth would give him a chance. Just the thought gave him hope which meant that he couldn’t give Kakashi up and he couldn’t move on.

Anko elbowed him. “You’re staring off again. You should just give him up already and let me kick his ass.”

“He called you boring?” Genma asked, raising an eyebrow and pursing his lips thoughtfully. “I thought you made him more interesting. Oh well his loss you can easily find somebody else.”

“I can’t.” It was a fact and he knew it was.

Genma scratched his forehead lightly just above the brow. “And why not? You’ve got a temper but I’d hit that.” He looked over at the other guys at the table. “Assuming none of us were involved with anyone of course. You guys would too right?”

Ebisu’s eyes widened in horror. “No. I would not.”

“Oh yeah. You guys were on a four man squad together, partners and what not... Sorry but like if you hadn’t been?” Genma amended.

“Still no.”

“I would if it was like a three some,” Kotetsu offered.

Iruka rolled his eyes. “I appreciate the offer, really, but I don’t need it. I can’t find somebody else because he’s ’the one’ and I don’t want anyone else.”

“The One?” Anko frowned at him. “He can’t be The One. If he was he’d be here with you and not somewhere else possibly with somebody else,” she hissed.

Reaching over, Izumo patted Anko’s shoulder sympathetically. “She’s right, Iruka. Maybe he seemed like it but I’m sure when you find somebody else and it works then you’ll see that they were the one.”

“No.” Iruka shook his head, defiantly. They loved him but they didn’t understand.

Genma took the senbon out of his mouth and tapped it on the table. “Ever consider that there isn’t one person we’re meant to be with, Iruka? A lot of people think somebody is their soulmate only to realize it wasn’t true after they break up.”

Iruka looked over at Kotetsu and Izumo. “Tell him what a big fat idiot he is.”

“He’s right Gen, sometimes there is a person who is perfect for us.” Kotetsu leaned against Izumo and smiled. “Maybe it’s not true for everyone but it is for some of us.”

Ebisu leaned forward and looked over at Iruka calmly. “What about Tsunade-sama. She loved her first husband more than anything. She was devoted to him for years even after he died but we all know she feels the same about Jiraiya-sama. So who’s The One for her?”

“Maybe they both were,” Izumo suggested. “Maybe who she was when she was younger was who belong with Dan-san and maybe who she is now is who belongs with Jiraiya-san but maybe she’s his only one. Or maybe Jiraiya was along and she just didn’t realize it.”

Iruka sighed. Talking about the successful or failed love lives of other people in relation to his own was not what he wanted to do. “Look, I don’t know but I do know Kakashi is the only one I want and that will never change. I’m trying not to be the depressed friend no one wants to hang out with but this is not helping. I’m going to go get another beer, you should all find a new topic of conversation.” He slid out of the chair and looked at them all. “You have ten minutes so find something, anything to talk about that doesn’t have to do with relationships.”

Turning he stalked over to the bar. They meant well, he knew they did but this was one of those things they just couldn’t help with. He smiled at the bar tender and ordered another beer even though his was still half full. Iruka handed the money over then grabbed the beer that was handed to him, leaving his half empty one behind, and moved to go.

It was crowded enough that he kept getting bumped into and pushed around. Somebody shoved him from behind, an elbow digging into the small of his back as he was forced awkwardly forward. He slammed into another person and barely managed to stay upright. “Watch it,” he growled at whoever the rude prick was that had shoved him.

“I think maybe it’s you who needs to watch where they’re going.”

Iruka’s head snapped up at the sound, his heart racing at the familiar voice despite it’s coldness. “Kakashi...”

The dark grey eye widened slightly, but only for a moment. “Forget it, I was just leaving.” Kakashi turned and pushed through the crowd in the vague direction of the door.

Swallowing the lump in his throat, Iruka shoved after him, desperate to catch up. The shadows in the bar made it impossible and by the time he was through the door there wasn’t even a sign of Kakashi on the street. His chest hurt all over again, the ache that had become dulled by time and permanence was renewed to the sharp stabbing pain that hurt more than being stabbed with a kunai. Iruka wiped the tears away, sniffed, and took a deep breath. “This is never going to stop hurting. Why did I have to fall in love with you?”

“Because you’re an idiot.”

Iruka spun around.

Kakashi stood leaning against the wall beside the door, arms crossed over his flak vest.

He hadn’t been able to sense Kakashi’s chakra but it wasn’t much of a surprise given who he was. “Sorry.” Just the knowledge that Kakashi hadn’t run away again made him want to smile and he could feel the corners of his lips twitching. Iruka resisted the urge, he knew enough about body language to know Kakashi wasn’t relaxed despite the slouch. He was afraid He’d do something to push the other away again.

Tilting his head to the side, Kakashi looked him over, then shook his head. “You’re an idiot. Why can’t you see you’re better off without me?”

“Because I’m not.” Iruka was never happier than when he was with Kakashi and he’d known before how lonely he was. It had only gotten worse when Naruto had left to train with Jiraiya. Kakashi had changed that so when he’d pushed him away the loneliness had become overwhelming. He wanted to ask why Kakashi had left because he knew there was something in the question, but he was afraid it would end with Kakashi pushing him away again. Right then he was sure that if he asked the wrong questions or said the wrong things that was exactly what would happen. He was also fairly sure he was being given the chance to fix things. “You told me once that my eyes looked dead so I know you can tell.” Iruka sighed. He’d been depressed then, now he just felt hollow. “If I’m better off without you this feeling wouldn’t get worse with time.”

Kakashi stared at him quietly then sighed. “I’m--” He looked away. “--back in. Not officially but with our resources strained... I had thought that after a so long they wouldn’t need me and that it was okay for us to be involved. I was wrong. Now that it’s clear the village is recovering we’re having to take more missions of those kind and those who’ve been on them are becoming strained from being pushed to hard.”

It took a moment for Iruka to process what Kakashi was saying, what it meant. He’d known before that Kakashi had been in ANBU but it was something they avoided talking about. “So it wasn’t because you were bored.” Iruka closed his eyes and smiled, a part of him relaxed at the knowledge. “I’m glad.” He hadn’t realized it but he’d started to believe the lie in light of no other explanation. “I know the risks and I know the chance is higher now but it’s too late; it will hurt either way. It doesn’t have to hurt now though.” Iruka didn’t look away, watching for any sign of Kakashi leaving.

“I don’t like curry,” Kakashi stated simply, shoving his hands into his pockets then he pushed away from the wall and started walking down the street.

Iruka let out a long low breath then laughed. “I don’t think I do either.” He fell into step beside Kakashi and wondered what he’d do with all the extra ingredients he’d bough for the stuff before deciding it didn’t matter.

Kakashi slid his hand into Iruka’s as they walked, tangling their fingers. “Such a waste of saury when you can’t even taste it.”

Chuckling, Iruka nodded and squeezed the hand in his. They were walking towards his apartment and for the first time in months it felt like he was going home.