BREAK TO BREATHE
by Okami Rayne
Chapter Seventeen
[Dedicated to Amatullah83]
There was absolutely nothing amusing about the situation.
So when Shikamaru started to laugh, Neji found himself at a loss at how to respond; which is why the first thing out of his mouth was nothing short of stating the obvious.
"It's not funny, Nara."
Shikamaru chuckled low in his throat, his half-lidded eyes slipping shut. "I know."
Neji frowned, opting for irritation over awkwardness. "Then why are you laughing?"
"Numbs the urge… to wanna kill you…" Shikamaru's voice sobered into a pained groan as he bracketed his brow between thumb and forefinger. "…Ah…shit..."
Neji tightened his grip on Shikamaru's arms, trying to ignore the crawl of unease working its way past his stoic defences. He ducked his head to glance up under the Nara's hand at the gash in the Chūnin's forehead. It was a clean split. Had Neji hit any harder it could have caused a nasty whiplash; if it hadn't already.
Damn. He'd reacted on hot, angry impulse.
Uncontrolled. Weak. Neji shook his head sharply, clearing his throat. "You seem relatively in control of your senses. I suggest you keep it that way. Focus on staying awake."
Shikamaru took a moment to respond, his face scrunched up in pain behind his hand.
"Did you just…ask me to
focus?" Shikamaru muttered, growling as his attempt to lie down was thwarted again.
"Sit up, Nara."
"Which way is up?"
"For Gods' sake..." Neji sighed, shifting to get a better grip on the shadow-nin without jolting him too much.
It was imperative to avoid unnecessary movement. Taking a moment to assess his options, Neji shifted from his kneel into a crouch. He then slid a leg behind Shikamaru, allowing his body to slant and follow the movement until he was behind the shadow-nin, propping him up against his body, similar to how Shikamaru had steadied him when he'd…
Lost control. Shikamaru snorted, dropping his hand from his head. "Karma…"
"What?" Neji blinked, his spine rigid as he assumed the awkward position of support, keeping Shikamaru upright.
"…Karma…"
"Hn. For knocking me unconscious two months ago?" Neji rolled his pale eyes, trying to decide what the hell to do with his hands before setting them close to Shikamaru's shoulders without touching.
He felt Shikamaru tilt his head slightly with a weak chuckle. "That too…"
Neji knew what he'd really been referring to.
But there was no way in hell he was going to allow his mind to entertain the memory of coughing up blood…his weakest moments…which included the memory of the last time they were this close to each other.
He felt his pulse skitter.
Stop… Neji released a slow, controlled breath, trying not to disturb the air between them; not that he thought it would stir. It was thick enough to threaten suffocation – rife with all kinds of tension and as taut as a trip wire.
Yet despite that, Shikamaru wasn't struggling or seething.
He should be… "Why aren't you angry?" Neji asked quietly, trying to keep his tone neutral.
"Oh I'm pissed," Shikamaru replied drowsily, though he didn't sound it. "But can't really…do anything about it…right now…so yelling…is troublesome…"
Neji dropped his gaze to the top of Shikamaru's head, frowning before he had to crane his neck to avoid the brush of the Nara's spiky ponytail.
"Besides…" Shikamaru drawled, "I know how awkward this is…so making you suffer…is kinda working out for me...ugh…despite the head trauma…"
Neji didn't think it was possible in that moment to feel more responsively jumbled. Despite this, he felt a thin sliver of relief cut loose a thread of tension pulling tightly across in his chest. Shikamaru's morbid humour at least indicated that his brain wasn't addled by the impact. Neji traced his gaze down to his hands, still held at a hover beside Shikamaru's shoulders.
"Just stay awake, Nara."
"…You know me…not likely…"
Neji shook his head, slanting his chin away from the sharp ponytail again. "Stop making jokes."
"I'm serious…"
"You need to stay awake for at least another hour."
Shikamaru made some unintelligible sound that Neji thought would have been an insult had the Nara bothered to articulate it. The Hyūga shifted his focus. He surmised that Shikamaru's concussion was probably mild and nothing too serious. But the risk of letting it slide so lightly was dangerous; especially when it was Shikamaru's brain at stake. Any swelling would mean bringing Sakura in...something Neji wanted to avoid if possible.
Damn it. He hadn't meant to react so violently; part of him still couldn't process the fact that he had. Even more disturbing to Neji was the fact that this wasn't the first time he'd lashed out. While he could steel and distance himself some anyone else, Shikamaru continued to remain immune to his efforts. Either that or the Nara really had got under his skin, spreading these absurd 'reactions' through him like an infection.
How…? Neji tensed the muscles in his back, fighting not to roll the tension from his shoulders.
How the hell does he provoke me like this…? Try as he might – and
Kami had he tried – Neji just couldn't make
sense of it.
He only knew that all of 'it' had resulted from that careless lack of control two months ago; the night Shikamaru had decided to be a foolish, interfering bastard and chase him down.
Then in the crossfire of that angry, confusing confrontation…and that stupid, rash smash of lips…some catalyst had exploded between them. Out of nowhere, in an instant; like the kind of freak atomic bang that created universes.
As far as Neji was concerned, it had created chaos.
Complicated, inescapable, blood-stirring chaos.
What the hell did he do to me…? The feel of Shikamaru's weight shifting drew him back from his thoughts. The Nara's shoulders had lowered, his body too relaxed. Not a good sign.
"Nara?"
Neji finally touched his hands to the shadow-nin's arms, squeezing lightly. The lack of response caused him to tighten his grip, the balls of his thumbs rolling over the dark fabric.
He raised his voice a little. "Shikamaru?"
"Yeah, yeah, still here…" the Nara muttered, his voice hoarse with pending sleep.
Neji loosened his grip, but didn't let go. "Are you feeling sick?"
"Probably, if I move."
Neji glanced around the tent. "Just hold on a little longer…then you can sleep…"
Shikamaru shook his head with a wince. "…Shirking…"
"Hmn?" Neji stroked his hands down to Shikamaru's elbows. "What?"
"Ugh…Strategy…"
"We'll discuss it tomorrow," Neji said, before realising how gentle his tone was. He immediately sought to harden it by adding, "Considering you're too addled to make sense of anything."
"Whose fault is that again?" Shikamaru muttered before his slouch turned rigid.
Neji didn't miss it.
Both of them froze, hearing the rustle of a tent flap outside, followed by the scuff of footsteps. A muffled snicker carried within earshot.
Now what? Neji blinked, activating his Byakugan to scan the periphery without moving. He sensed Shikamaru turn his head, a query hanging in the subtle movement.
"Naruto," Neji supplied.
Shikamaru tried to move, but stopped when Neji added. "And Chōji."
Somehow, this eased the Nara's tension, but did nothing to alleviate Neji's growing sense of discomfort as he watched Naruto turn towards their tent, gesturing in mime for Chōji to keep quiet.
We need to move. "Relax…" Shikamaru murmured, taking his own advice.
Neji ignored him, already plotting how fast he could separate himself from Shikamaru without jolting the other ninja. His plotting turned desperate when Naruto began to creep towards their tent in exaggerated slow motion.
Oh for God's sake… Neji's Byakugan eyes narrowed.
"Imbecile," he hissed.
"
Relax, Hyūga."
Shikamaru's blasé tone only served to irritate Neji further, but his caustic tongue never got a chance to lash. Chōji intercepted Naruto mid-sneak, coming between the tent and the creeping Uzumaki.
Neji's keen eyes followed the interaction as Chōji jostled Naruto away, obstructing the Genin's childish antics. Neji continued to watch them, only deactivating his dōjutsu when the two of them had passed beyond the tree-line.
He jolted when Shikamaru's elbow nudged him.
"Breathe, Neji."
The Hyūga frowned, holding a defiant pause before he eventually released the breath locked in his throat. Relief chased away his irritation, leaving him quiet rather than relaxed. With this quiet came a lessening of the tension between them, lilted with the soft sound of breathing.
Neji stared at the dim chakra orb he'd activated, the light of the makeshift lamp softening by degrees. Despite the halo of illumination, he'd never felt more in the dark. For all his insight, Byakugan included, there were some things he just didn't see.
"With those eyes, one would think you'd be a little less blind, Hyūga." Shino's earlier words suddenly adopted a different context in Neji's mind and the Hyūga found his gaze straying to the tickle of Shikamaru's ponytail against his cheekbone. Even without possessing an ocular dōjutsu, the Nara had predicted Chōji's interference as if he'd witnessed it. Something occurred to Neji then. The familiar, uncomfortable thought that despite his unrivalled progress amongst the Konoha Eleven, he'd somehow missed out on something.
Ridiculous…and yet… "You knew Chōji would step in," Neji said, his voice quiet, somewhat reluctant to break the silence.
He told himself he was only talking to ensure Shikamaru stayed awake, not because the strange feeling chasing around inside him needed some kind of clarity.
Shikamaru hummed drowsily, the soft vibration rattling in his throat before he cleared it to respond. "I hoped he would…"
Neji knew the Nara was downplaying his accuracy. "You knew he would."
Shikamaru shrugged, his voice straining around a yawn. "Helps to have people who know you, right?"
Neji took that as a rhetorical question, because he had no response for it. It also prompted a line of questioning in his mind that he immediately tried to veer away from.
He watched Shikamaru drag his heel against the thin futon, probably working numbness from his leg. Neji felt his own muscles protesting his rigid posture. Add to that the fact that Shikamaru seemed likely to take his eye out with the occasional shift of that sharp ponytail; as if on cue, the Nara tilted his head, glancing up and across through dark crescents.
The bastard was smirking.
"You comfortable?"
Neji gave him a flat look. "No."
"Good." The Nara's lip curved a little more before he shrugged and looked away. "Was the trouble worth it…to become Jōnin…?"
What? Neji blinked at the random question, keeping the suspicion from his voice. "Of course."
Shikamaru stayed quiet for a moment. "…Guess Gai didn't need to push you into it…"
Neji arched a brow, slightly amused. "No."
"Or your uncle…"
Any flutter of amusement was immediately shot down. Neji's jaw tightened, but he kept his voice calm. "No."
"Gotta be a…" Shikamaru paused to yawn, "…pretty intense exam, right?"
"Yes...among other things."
"…Sounds like a drag…"
"Given your attitude, it probably would be." Neji muttered, avoiding another brush of Shikamaru's ponytail. "I assume you're mentioning this for a reason, Nara."
"You must've spent a lot of time alone, pushing yourself like that…"
A brittle flicker touched Neji's expression but even had Shikamaru been able to see his face, the look passed before it could settle. It had never before struck him as a negative thing, those years of isolated progress. Neji moved his hands away from Shikamaru's arms, setting his palms on the ground, the tips of his fingers pressing small craters into the futon.
"I suppose. It was necessary."
Shikamaru chuckled wryly. "Man, I really hate that word…"
"Alright, it was inevitable."
"Careful, Hyūga…you're sounding a little fatalistic."
"Hmn." Neji smiled slightly, glancing at Shikamaru's shoulder. "And you're sounding a little too coherent to have concussion."
"Guess so," Shikamaru drew his leg up and began to lean forwards and away. "I'm catchin' that nap now."
Neji gripped his arm, frowning. "Shikamaru."
"…Such a drag…"Shikamaru turned his head. "Then you better say something interesting to keep me awake."
Neji arched a brow, trying to fight the natural instinct to look for some kind of manipulation in how this was playing out. But he couldn't glean anything off Shikamaru's face other than exhaustion.
Is he playing games again? Opting to literally skirt around the edges of the territory Shikamaru may or may not have been stepping onto, Neji shifted around until he was facing the shadow-nin. He didn't say anything as he went about checking the gash on Shikamaru's forehead, well aware that those tired eyes remained fixed on him; a familiar, brazen observance that the Nara never bothered to hide. Neji wished he would.
"Stop looking at me like that," he said firmly.
Shikamaru smirked lazily. "You're pretty paranoid, you know that?"
Neji scoffed but kept his eyes on the gash, searching for swelling with a light touch of his thumb. "I don't appreciate being stared at."
Shikamaru continued to watch him, not even flinching. "Thought you'd be used to it by now, considering people stare at you all the time, Hyūga."
Neji smirked bitterly. "Is that supposed to flatter me?"
"Not interested in boosting your ego, Neji." Shikamaru rolled a shoulder as he braced an arm across his raised knee. "Besides, I don't think people see past the shit load of defences you've got."
That got Neji's attention.
The Jōnin paused as he reached for the chakra orb, which still struggled to pulse its meagre illumination. It almost mirrored Neji's glowing eyes when they flicked back to Shikamaru.
His words gained a derisive edge. "And you think that you do, Nara?"
Shikamaru cocked his head and returned the look coolly.
"I think you're afraid that I
could."
Neji tensed before he leaned back, immediately securing an armour of cool poise around himself. But once again, Shikamaru settled that 'I-can-see-through-bullshit' gaze on him, causing the Hyūga to bristle. Those dark eyes dented a defence which normally kept Neji beyond the reach of anyone who ever dared to try and get past it.
His mind battled with the implications of the Nara's words from two months back.
"You can lie to yourself, but I can see through it…" Despite the faint panic Neji's heartbeat staggered into, he kept his outward mien stoic and guarded, convincing himself his chest wasn't tightening by focusing on the task at hand.
Check his eyes and go… Shaking his head, Neji gripped Shikamaru's jaw with one hand, not even realising how subconsciously controlling the gesture was.
"Stay still," he instructed.
Then he lifted the chakra orb towards Shikamaru's face and studied the Nara's eyes with analytical objectivity, searching for any abnormality in the pupils. They contracted normally, and as soon as he lowered the orb, they dilated. He repeated the test a couple of times with the same result.
"No damage," Neji said quietly.
"Not so sure about that…" Shikamaru's voice fell hoarse; rough with fatigue and layered with a meaning that Neji didn't want to figure out.
Their gazes held and even in the gloom of the tent, Neji knew those dark eyes weren't searching for light when they dilated beyond their normal spheres.
The magnetic pull was instant.
God damn you Nara… His fingers fell away from the chakra orb – but not Shikamaru's jaw.
Acting on confused anger, the Hyūga tightened his grip a little, feeling the muscles at the hinge of Shikamaru's jaw flex under the pressure. But other than that, Shikamaru didn't retaliate; he just continued to observe.
So Neji dug his grip in a little harder.
Fight me, you bastard. No reaction.
Their gazes remained fused as Neji's fingers slid down from Shikamaru's jaw to the Chūnin's throat and closed gently around the vital column without squeezing. He knew the position of his fingers were exactly where the bruises would be from the last time he'd gripped the Nara's neck.
Shikamaru watched him calmly; a display of trust Neji hadn't earned…and didn't want.
"Don't," Neji warned.
Shikamaru blinked slowly. "You're the one doing it."
"So
stop me."
"You're not gripping hard enough to convince me, Neji."
Neji's gaze tracked down to his fingers. "Is that what it would take?"
"I don't know," Shikamaru murmured, the timbre of his voice chasing tingles along Neji's arm, prickling his skin, stirring his blood. "…Why don't you find out...?"
Neji drew a short, sharp breath, his eyes narrowing.
He could feel Shikamaru's pulse throbbing beneath the press of his fingertips…
…and the chords in the Nara's throat flexing as he swallowed…
…right down to the sweep of Shikamaru's breath against his skin…
Everything about it clarified just how open the other ninja was leaving himself.
Why? Neji avoided Shikamaru's eyes, keeping his focus on his fingers as they flexed around the unprotected neck, not tightening from their loose grip, but not letting go either.
All the while he knew those dark eyes were on his face.
"Do you like what you see, Shikamaru?" Neji ground out; his jaw tight but his voice even tighter as it seethed between his teeth. "Is
this what you want me to
let out?"
Shikamaru's breath tickled his arm as the shadow-nin exhaled slowly. "Go ahead."
It was a push, a reckless, dangerous push.
The sinews in Neji's hand tightened, a rigid paralysis of anger keeping his fingers gnarled but not pressing – and still the bastard didn't flinch.
"
Now who's a masochist?" Neji hissed, glaring.
Shikamaru raised his chin, pressing his throat into the grip. "Grip harder Hyūga and we'll see what this makes
you."
No. Neji's arm started to tremble with the strain of holding back – a barely noticeable tremor. But beneath the surface, he could feel it; that dormant rage stirring up closed off parts of himself…
No. He'd let it loose before, years ago…three years ago…only then, the eyes looking back at him hadn't been dark…they'd been pale…as pale as his own…
Hyūga eyes… Hinata's gentle, wounded eyes…then there had been many eyes…stern, superior eyes…all pale, all white…
All Hyūga… Neji's arm shook. But the judder went deeper, way down deep to his bones…shaking foundations he'd spent three years securing…spreading cracks of icy pain across his chest…
No… "Neji…"
He barely heard Shikamaru's voice, like smoke on a horizon he couldn't see…because all he could see now were those countless eyes…
"Neji."
...Those controlling, condescending eyes...telling him to obey.
"Neji…look at me."
...Those bitter, hopeless eyes...telling him to live.
Then sharp, obsidian eyes…so close and dark they swallowed up the countless Hyūga pools of white.
Shikamaru's eyes…telling him to…
"Breathe."
The word struck his brain like a kunai.
Breathe. Neji snapped back to his senses with a jolt.
He drew a sharp, sudden breath, resurfacing from his haunted mind as if torn from a genjutsu. His pulse catapulted and awareness came back to him, causing his face to ripple with confusion as he struggled to steady his breathing.
"Neji…" Shikamaru's brow was a scant inch away from touching his, forcing their eyes to align in a steady gaze.
He…moved…? Neji felt the idle press of Shikamaru's fingers at his nape, a thumb kneading lightly.
…
When the 'hell' did he move? He hadn't registered Shikamaru move at all. His own fingers were still wrapped lightly around the Nara's throat, his wrist bent to accommodate the proximity and position.
…
I'm…losing my mind… Neji stared at his fingers, but flicked his gaze back up when he felt Shikamaru swallow against the light grip before speaking.
"Word of advice, Hyūga? When you grab someone by the throat,
you're not the one who's supposed to stop breathing," Shikamaru said quietly, his deadpan tones softened by the gentle press of his fingers at Neji's nape. "Could be troublesome…"
Neji blinked then closed his eyes, blocking out the calm, hypnotic gaze of those dark orbs. He slowly drew his hand away from Shikamaru's throat, lowering it to settle on his thigh, fisting in the black apron of his robes.
What the hell just happened? Fighting back the warning pain in his chest, he drew a short breath, then a slower one, sieving it through the knot in his throat.
For a long moment neither of them spoke.
Then Shikamaru's touch slipped to his shoulder, squeezing lightly. Neji tugged his shoulder back.
"Just say it…" Neji whispered bitterly.
"Say what?"
"Tch," Neji clenched his jaw. "Damn you…go ahead and make your fucking point…"
Shikamaru's breath stirred his bangs. "And tell you what?"
That I'm losing it... "What this makes me…" Neji forced the words out as if it spitting up poison from low in his throat, as acidic as bile but as vital as blood.
He didn't expect Shikamaru's reply to make him feel like he was already bleeding.
"Human."
