Almost Sucks

Almost Sucks
by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: April 21th 2006, Friday
second version: August 12th 2008, Tuesday

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I do think of the characters I work with, fan fiction or original, as real individuals with will and existence separate from my own. They are different in many ways from incarnated humans but still very real. I am honored beyond words that they want to work with me.

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DISCLAIMER: I don’t own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I’m just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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18: Eager to come

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He’s too loud. You can hear him from corridors away, yelling about this thing or that. It hurts my ears. It makes me frustrated. I don’t want to hear.

He’s too stubborn. Can’t see reason. Doesn’t want to give up. Doesn’t want to let go. Why can’t he just let go?

I don’t like you! I don’t want you!

But I think I’m lying. I don’t know what I feel.

I don’t know what he has done to me. There’s nothing about him that I should like, but he has planted something inside me and that something is like him. It yells loud, it affects me and it refuses to let me go.

-

It seemed like a month had passed, rather than a week and two weekends. Nothing was as Sasuke remembered or expected it to be. The world had shifted, it seemed, in some way.

Sasuke hadn’t been able to spend his lunch break on the table behind school, because of the rain. Instead he had skipped dry fish sticks and even drier potatoes by staying in one of the break rooms and every teacher that passed stopped in surprise and wondered why he wasn’t in the canteen. He had lied and said he wasn’t hungry.

If it had been any day before the strange month week, it wouldn’t have been a lie, Sasuke wouldn’t have been hungry. Usually at lunch his stomach just mildly grumbled and muttered and accepted Sasuke’s ‘we’ll eat when we get home’. This Monday it had roared and protested violently. ‘Get the fuck over to those fish sticks and eat them!’ the stomach had been screaming, and the hunger had stabbed painfully. Completely irrational.

For biology their teacher had kept his word and paired Sasuke with Naruto. The tiny amount of arguing had been pathetic. ‘Why don’t you ever eat lunch?’ Naruto had grumbled. ‘I bet that’s why you got sick.’ Sasuke’s stomach had agreed wholeheartedly with a growl, while Sasuke himself had lied and said ‘because it annoys you.‘ That was it. The rest of the hour had been just biology stuff and some narrow-eyed glares. The blond hadn’t been nearly as much of a frustrating idiot as Sasuke remembered him being and biology teacher had grinned and said they worked well together. ‘Yeah!’ Naruto had exclaimed loudly. Sasuke had sighed.

Since Sakura’s comments earlier that day, Sasuke had had trouble connecting to the part of him that found Naruto being around him annoying. He had acted like he used to toward the blond, sort of; but the inside stuff didn’t match what he said. He had tried to summon the frustration that should be there but all that came up were ‘what do you mean he didn’t have a perfect childhood?’ and ‘I’ve met more frustrating guys, he’s not that bad...’

Sasuke was sure that by ‘not a perfect childhood’ Sakura hadn’t meant anything as shitty as what Sasuke had lived through; he didn’t believe that he and Naruto were more equal now or anything like that. It was just... He hadn’t thought about it before. Naruto had been loud, annoying and impossible to get rid of. Sasuke had known that he was adopted, but for some reason it hadn’t really meant anything. He hadn’t thought about whys or hows, what Naruto had been through and it felt strange, now that he did think about it. So he tried not to. It wasn’t like it really mattered anyway, Naruto would still be Naruto. It wasn’t even like Sasuke should care; he was just a guy in his class. Sasuke was overreacting because he’d just been sick and his brain still hadn’t fully recovered yet. Because he was having a weird and shitty day.

It was the last break for the day and Sasuke had found his way back to his place behind the school, back pressed against the wall. Instead of the skies clearing up the rain had gotten worse after lunch and now it was roaring. The wind had picked up too, trees swaying from left to right and leaves rustling.

Sasuke’s stomach had gone from screaming to moaning and the pain from acute to dull ache. He felt the signs of an oncoming headache and was wet enough that the strong late August wind chilled, his fingers trembling around the cigarette. His feet were still soggy. Sasuke wondered if maybe Naruto had been right and just-been-sick and bad weather didn’t match.

As if he had read Sasuke’s thoughts, Gaara chose that moment to speak and reveal himself.

“I’m sure Naruto wouldn’t approve of you being out in the rain like this.”

No, the weird sense Sasuke had gained didn’t seem to count for anything except knowing when Naruto was watching him. He flinched so hard he nearly dropped his cigarette. It was a slight improvement from almost choking on it, but not by much. At least it was hard to feel grateful for it, when you added the other ‘you scared the hell out of me’ reactions he’d fallen victim to, like jumping into the air, heart leaping from chest to throat and racing; Sasuke was fairly sure he did not quite manage to look only annoyed when he glared at Gaara.

Unlike Sakura, this redhead made no sound when he approached. Sasuke wasn’t even sure how long he had been standing there. The way he leaned against the wall, looking all relaxed, arms crossed over his chest, made it seem like he’d been there for hours. He didn’t even look at Sasuke, just stared out into the rain.

It made sense, of course, that he should be sneaky, if what Shikamaru had said was true and Sasuke had no reason to doubt his friend. Remembering the warnings, Sasuke couldn’t help but feel a stir of anxiety in his chest. But he wasn’t in a good enough mood to care. Gaara made his headache worse.

“I don’t care what he approves of,” Sasuke growled. “What I do is none of his business.”

“He made it his business,” Gaara shrugged, still didn’t look away from the pour. “He cares about his friends and considers you one.”

Sasuke snorted and looked away from Gaara, out into the rain.

“What do you want?” he asked.

“I want to talk.”

“I don’t want to talk to you.”

“I care about my friends too,” Gaara said, ignoring Sasuke.

Sasuke sighed and rolled his eyes. The old woman in the purple rain clothes came walking again, in the other direction.

“Naruto is my friend,” the redhead continued. “A very dear friend and I don’t want him to get hurt.”

The anxiety was curling around in Sasuke’s chest. He wanted Gaara to get to the damned point, at the same time as the damned point scared him.

The sound of footsteps drowned in the pouring rain, or just wasn’t there, but Sasuke caught the movement in the corner of his eye and snapped his eyes back to Gaara. The redhead had moved closer.

“Do you like him?”

Stomach swirls. Sasuke cursed his damned screwed up being and glared.

“What?”

“You kissed him,” Gaara said. “Do you like him?”

Sasuke’s head was spinning as he tried to push the memories away and at the same time staggered at what a big mouth Naruto had. Were they that good friends or was Naruto just an idiot that shared anything with anyone?

“What I do with him is none of your business,” Sasuke found himself saying, looking out into the rain again, feeling unimaginative and wishing he could think of something better to say.

“I made it my business,” Gaara said. “Because I care about my friends.”

Maybe it wasn’t just Sasuke that was unoriginal. The whole situation felt oddly old. Maybe it was the rain.

“Do you like him?”

“No,” Sasuke snapped and faced Gaara again. The redhead had a strangely vacant quality to his pale green eyes. “He’s an annoying retard, too stupid to know when people don’t want him around. I don’t like him.”

Very emotionally unstable ex-killer that gave grown men nightmares. What had Shikamaru said again? ‘Oh yes, go and insult his friends’? There was something wrong with Sasuke this week. And why did everyone keep asking him that stupid ‘do you like him?’ question?

“So you kissed him?” Gaara just looked amused. “Methods of rejection in the city sure have changed since I left.”

“That was just...! I was...!”

But Sasuke couldn’t find the right words so he snarled and looked away. There was frustration inside him that felt like it had been there ever since Naruto trampled into his life; but there were no words to describe it.

“I’m sure you were,” Gaara said, the amusement still clinging to him. Sasuke’s hands itched to punch him. The rest of him itched for the retaliation that was sure to come, if Shikamaru was right; maybe it could chase the offness away.

“Fuck you,” Sasuke growled for the second time that day, clenching his hands to fists.

“I don’t want you to play with him,” Gaara’s voice turned more serious, the amusement slipping away. “He cares about you.”

‘So what?’ ‘Whatever.’ ‘I don’t care about him.’

But Sasuke didn’t say any of the things he should want to say. Maybe it was the sudden lack of amusement in Gaara that demoralized him. His hands unclenched and the itch was fading.

Why the hell would the blond care about him? Sasuke remembered the outburst after the kisses and it stabbed and things made even less sense. Love until death and then marriage. Marriage? What was he? Six? He didn’t even know Sasuke. The blond was such an idiot.

“Don’t hurt him,” Gaara said.

Sasuke sighed. Some kind of itch returned but it was much softer and further down below the surface of awareness. The aches of his body became more clear, the headache and the hunger; and a to-the-bone exhaustion. He felt like two days with no sleep.

This whole thing was stupid. It sounded so wrong, like it actually was something instead of just... a stupid sick brain and a stupid stubborn idiot with a big mouth. It was nothing. Just nothing. Sasuke was having a bad day after a bad week and two bad weekends.

“But you’re pretty stupid and stubborn yourself, aren’t you?” Gaara said and he sounded amused again. Sasuke looked his way. For a second he thought the redhead was still talking about the Naruto thing, but then he noticed something else hiding in the amusement that said Gaara had changed the subject.

“Excuse me?” He frowned.

Gaara was looking at Sasuke; that something was hiding in his eyes as well.

“Nara Shikamaru; your friend,” the ex-killer said. “He told you about me, and he must have warned you too. ‘Stay away from him,’ or ‘just be careful,’ right? And still you go on hurling that bad language at me, looking at me with those angry eyes, avoiding my questions and calling my friend a retard.”

Sasuke’s head was spinning again. Gaara knew about Shikamaru? How the hell would he know about Shikamaru unless... Shikamaru had done something stupid. He called Sasuke the day before yesterday, on Sunday, so he was fine, and Sasuke would have heard if he wasn’t, but... Unless something had just happened. Today, before school, this night; Sasuke remembered having heard that Gaara of the Sand never slept. Maybe no one had noticed yet, or hadn’t had a chance to call.

“Your heart is racing,” Gaara said. “And you have paled. You care. That’s good.”

What had that idiot of a friend done now?

“If you have hurt him I swear I will kill you,” Sasuke found himself suddenly saying before he really knew what words came out.

Something in the pale green eyes flared and Sasuke almost took a step back. His heart was racing, he noticed; pounding in his chest and the awareness of it made the blood pump seem more fragile. The rain had separated Gaara’s bangs slightly, showing slices of a red tattoo that Sasuke had never seen but definitely heard of. For a second Sasuke knew what Shikamaru had been talking about when he warned about Gaara of the Sand. Then Gaara’s eyes softened.

“I didn’t hurt him,” he said. He looked slightly amused again, but not enough that he turned mocking. “Can I have a smoke?”

It took a moment for the thoughts to gather again and Sasuke wondered why he didn’t doubt what the redhead was saying, that Shikamaru was okay. He did nothing for a moment, but listen to his heart beating and try to convince himself he didn’t feel sick.

Eventually he put his hand into his pocket, took out the cigarette pack and tossed it Gaara’s way. Sasuke flicked the lighter and lit the cigarette when the guy leaned toward him and when the pack came back, he took out a second one for himself. His fingers were trembling. They smoked without speaking, but there was no silence with the rain and Sasuke's heart. The bell rang, signaling the end of the last break of the day, but they stayed.

“You have a devoted friend,” Gaara said when their cigarettes were half-gone. “He was willing to die to protect you; had faction backup ready and everything.”

Sasuke was stabbed by those words and his cigarette-less hand clenched. Fucking stupid Shikamaru.

“When?”

“Thursday. He was visiting you and saw me with Naruto. You spied at me through the kitchen window. He confronted me that night with a pretty elaborate scheme that would kill us both and assure your safety from my insane mind and lethal skills. He’s the brainy type, isn’t he?”

“No, he’s the idiot type,” Sasuke mumbled, but barely heard his own words over his racing heart.

“Just like Naruto,” Gaara said. “How sweet.”

No. It wasn’t sweet.

-

When the cigarette was finished, without saying anything to Gaara, Sasuke pushed away from the wall, went out into the rain and left the school grounds through a hole in the pathetic hedge. He didn’t bother picking up his raincoat, knowing the corridor would be crawling with people wanting to keep him from leaving. Naruto would be there too, looking for him.

Sasuke was hurt. He was confused, frustrated and scared. He didn’t doubt that what Gaara had said was true; Shikamaru was okay, but Sasuke was scared anyway. He needed to call his friend and tell him what a stupid idiot he was and ‘don’t ever do that again!’

‘He was willing to die to protect you.’

Stupid, stupid, fucking idiot Shikamaru.

Sasuke walked fast enough and had other things on his mind, so he didn’t immediately notice the cold. The rain was a welcome curtain of rhythm against his back, providing noise and a physical contact. As much as he wanted to get to a phone, Sasuke wanted to also get away from school. Nothing had been as it should have been there. It had been weird, stupid and confusing. Sasuke wanted something that was the same, as it should be. But he had left his CD player in the locker with the raincoat and was almost out of cigarettes. He needed to get home to his stereo and stash.

He needed to call Shikamaru.

Even though the rain was welcome at first, anger and worry having suppressed wind on wet clothes, the chill came back until it felt like January rather than August and Sasuke started to wonder if he really had recovered from his sickness or maybe gotten worse again. Wouldn’t that be brilliant? Naruto would have been right and Sasuke would look like an idiot. Just what he needed; a perfect cherry on the ice cream bowl of a shitty day.

He kept his eyes on the goal. A call, music and nicotine, then a shower and dry clothes. And sleep. He hoped it would make all the wrong things go away. But the door to the house was locked when Sasuke came home.

-

‘You have to take the bus home!’ Naruto had called after Sasuke when the biology was over and last break for the day had begun. Sasuke had glared over his shoulder and found those too-blue eyes, stubborn and determined, looking at him.

Naruto had seemed surprised though, that Sasuke turned, and for a second his determination had been traded in by surprise. For a second; then the blond had smiled, grinned. Happy too-blue eyes.

There had been something there. Not in the way Naruto acted like he could decide what Sasuke did or in the way Sasuke snorted and narrowed his eyes and ignored his decisions, but underneath. It had been underneath the biology stuff too, underneath the glares and the arguments.

There was something underneath what they did, something that tentatively seemed to skip and whirl between them; slowly and softly. It had felt okay, the exchange in the corridor after biology; despite the frustration of being told what he had to do when Naruto had no authority. It had felt okay, in a way comforting. It had to be the day. It was a strange, messy day and Sasuke was confused and too caught up in it.

-

Sasuke had fallen asleep. Pathetic really. He was shivering cold, so soaked that a dip in a lake wouldn’t have made him much wetter, hungry, angry and had a pounding headache. And he fell asleep on the porch.

He could have smashed a window and crawled inside. Kakashi would have been pissed but wouldn’t have anyone to blame but himself. Locking the door without leaving Sasuke a key? What did he expect? That stupid sleepover Friday had been different, there had been some sort of plan then; this was just ridiculous.

But Sasuke hadn’t smashed any windows. He had surrendered to the exhaustion and sunk down against the door. A while he had been thinking. About the damned frustrating day and the damned frustrating life, that he should get up and get inside already. ‘What am I waiting for?’ he had been thinking. Then his eyes had closed, little by little; the exhaustion doing what it was designed to do, pulling him away from consciousness. Then there had been nothing.

Then there was Naruto. His voice first, from far away, coming closer, calling Sasuke’s name slapped together with a ‘you bastard’; then the sound of his feet pattering against the street that had turned river. He was running.

Sasuke was pulled from his unconsciousness. He felt like a road kill that survived. His head throbbing, his body chilled to stiffness, wet clothes slicked to his skin.

“What are you doing!?” Naruto yelled. “And you call me an idiot? You don’t even have your coat! If you’re sick again I’m gonna kick your ass!”

He had stopped before reaching the porch. Sasuke heard him pant from the run. He heard that it had stopped raining, or at least calmed down enough that it couldn’t be heard anymore.

“Do you ever listen to what people say?” Naruto kept shouting. “Are you one of those guys that will jump off the cliff just because someone doesn’t want you to? Would you go find a cliff to jump off if I told you not to?”

Silence, more panting.

“Are you listening?” the voice was softer and sounded almost sad. “Are you dead?”

Sasuke managed a tired snarl at that and lifted his head to peer in the blond’s direction. The legs of Naruto’s pants was dark where they had gotten wet from splashing water when he ran. His shoulders were heaving and his hands were fists. He looked both angry and worried. His eyes found Sasuke’s.

It had stopped raining.

“Idiot,” Sasuke growled.

Anger and worry turned to mostly anger and the blue eyes narrowed.

“You’re the idiot, you bastard!” Naruto shouted. “Skipping school and walking home in the rain without a coat, I hope Kakashi-san grounds you from those stupid cigarettes!”

“He doesn’t ground me,” Sasuke muttered.

“Well, he should!” Naruto sighed loudly and crossed his arms over his chest. “You’re being an idiot. I bet you’re sick again.”

The blond was pouting, had turned his eyes away. He shifted on his feet and the gathered rain sloshed.

“Why are you sitting there?” he muttered eventually, sounding truly curious. “Why haven’t you gone inside?”

“That asshole Kakashi locked me out,” Sasuke shifted against the door, turned from leaning on his side to resting his back against it; straightened.

“He locked you out?” Naruto frowned. “Why?”

“Because he’s an asshole,” Sasuke said.

“Oh...” Naruto's face was taken over by sudden hesitation and it looked odd on him. For a moment he shifted. “...Wanna... come over to my place? Just until Kakashi-san gets home. You could take a shower, borrow some clothes, and eat something, you didn’t have any lunch. If you’re not sick yet you’re gonna be if you sit out here all... wet.”

The beginning and the end were slow, but the middle was racing. Like he wasn't quite sure that the words would work at first, that they overwhelmed him when they did and that he didn't quite know what to do whey he ran out of them. He wasn’t really looking at Sasuke, just glancing now and then. Like what he said meant more than it seemed. And maybe it did. The ‘love until death and then marriage’ comment kept popping up and Sasuke kept repressing it.

‘Hell no. No way. I am not going. Even if it was January and freezing I would rather sit out here.’

“You’ve got something for headaches?” Sasuke found himself snarling.

“Y-Yeah!” Naruto hurried to say, surprise all over him. “Sure! Lots.”

Sasuke got to his feet. Stuffed his hands in his pockets and left the porch. His eyes narrowed when he noticed his bag and coat in Naruto’s arms. Naruto noticed the narrowed eyes.

“Oh! I brought your stuff!” he said. “The janitor let me borrow the keys. I told her you had left early and forgotten your books but that we had a test tomorrow and you needed to study.”

Naruto looked sheepish and proud at the same time. Smiling.

“It was a lie,” he added.

“I know it was a lie,” Sasuke snarled.

“So does that mean you’re coming?”

Sasuke snorted and started walking, tried not to let the shivers from the cold make him sway; snatched back his things when he passed Naruto.

“I’m borrowing your phone too,” Sasuke muttered.

“Alright!” Naruto said and followed. He sounded like Christmas.

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