Breaking Apart

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, nor do I make any profit from writing this story. This story is written purely for fun and my own stress relief.

Warning: Old Naruto fic (out of date. This is an un-beta’d chapter. All I can say is that I am trying to finish this story and I currently do not have a beta, it would seem. In any event, I apologize for the typos and the dated character of this fic.

Chapter 19: Lie to Me

‘Naruto’s Thoughts’
“Talking”

Sasuke fell asleep less than five minutes after I started humming. I’ve lost track of how long we’ve been in the bath.

‘He must be exhausted,’ I think with no real surprise. To return from the Sand Village so quickly Neji and Sasuke must have been traveling near their top speed for two days. ‘And now here we are. Me numb from water logged parts and him dead to the world.’ I never intended to spend this much time soaking. But his exhaustion has made me alter my plans a bit.

I reflect on what parts of my plan I can recover after Sasuke’s rest. ‘Well, the massage is out. He’s already too relaxed as it is,’ I think suppressing a self-deprecating grin, shifting a bit, careful not to disturb the sleeping man resting on my chest. I would be angry with him for spoiling my night with his exhaustion, but this is what I asked for, isn’t it? This is what I wanted: to indulge him. To show him what it is like for me to be here for him. I wanted to make his needs my top priority. The twist of joy that shoots through my body almost makes me ashamed. 'I really am a dobe. Why should I care about your needs, teme?’ This time I don’t even try to stop the bitter, self-deprecating grin from gracing my face.

‘I really am a moron. I admit it. But what does that make you, Sasuke? Hmm. Here you are, sleeping on me as if I am your safe haven, and all you have ever done is betray me. If I were you, I would never close my eyes around me. And yet, after all you’ve done to me in your waking hours, you always turn to me in your sleep.’

When I was fresh back from the Sound Village, it took time to get used to Sasuke’s need to be near me. It was as if he would try to make a nest out of my body. Even now he unconsciously tries to wrap my legs tighter around him. Pulling me closer. This is how I know that he is sleep. An awake Sasuke would never reveal his greedy, grasping tendencies. He is so much more honest in his sleep than he has ever been awake.

And it is killing me. His honesty is fucking killing me. Feeling my heart crack a bit at that admission, I wonder what I expected this night to be. ‘Did I think that I could just pamper him, fuck him, then let him go? Did I really think that having this night wouldn’t hurt as much as not having it? I really am an idiot.’

I can’t seem to hold the hurt off until tomorrow. I see it all so clearly now. The ‘could’ve beens’ and the ‘should’ve beens.’ ‘That this bastard loves me,’ I allow myself to mentally whisper. It forms not as a complete thought, but more of a gut level awareness. ‘Sasuke loves me.’ My heart cracks a little more. That realization should have brightened my world, but now threatens to crush me. Because if this is his love… Stopping that thought, I convince myself that such speculation will lead to nothing good. But an overwhelming feeling of despair drowns my conviction. I know something now that I didn’t realize even an hour ago. His love. My love. They don’t matter. They don’t. And that reality makes me want to rage and cry and swear and destroy and, worse of all, die. I won’t do any of those things. I knew we were doomed when I saw Sasuke with Shino.

I shudder lightly stretching my neck in an attempt to physically shake off the feeling of despair. My movements slightly dislodge Sasuke’s head from my shoulder. Without even a change in breathing patterns, Sasuke snuggles deeper into my body. I see it now. In every action, in every stupid motion, I see it. ‘You love me, teme.’ But it is too late. ‘Damn you, Sasuke! It is too late!’

Hell, even now I can’t stop myself from wondering. ‘Wondering if Shikamaru felt this way when he held you in his arms through the night. Did Kakashi invoke this kind of trust in you? Did you love Kakashi? Did you love any of them? If I ever slept with Iruka, it would be out of love. Maybe that is why you slept with Kakashi. I’ve never quite understood the relationship between you two. And knowing that you’ve had sex just confuses me more.’ The one-sided dialogue running in my head soon reaches a point of quiet, as two questions remain, ‘who knows what you have done with your other affairs? And what those affairs mean to you?’ No matter how I try to push these thoughts away, they keep coming back.

I wish it were only about the sex. It does not matter how many people Sasuke had sex with. It really doesn’t. We are ninja. We live with our bodies in ways civilians could never understand. Our bodies have needs. Sex is a need. It is a requirement for survival. Bodies need sex like they need food. We feed our body when it is hungry; no matter what that hunger entails. And just like some people eat more than others, some people have sex more than others. To my mind, that Sasuke got hungry is not the issue. We, all of us, take care of our bodies. It is part of being a ninja.

No. I do not care about Sasuke’s “feeding habits.” I care about his lies. I care about the lies of my so-called friends. I care about my own humiliation. And I care about how much I care. How much I care about the fact that I do not know Sasuke very well, when I thought I knew him better than anyone. I care about the fact that he has become a stranger to me. I’ve been living with a stranger for 4 years. I was nursed back to health by a stranger. I fell in love with a stranger. And now I find myself loved by a stranger. ‘And that fact is killing me. We are so fucked up on so many levels.’

I realize that my body has become too tense. I force myself to relax as Sasuke begins to grow restless. I am not ready for him to wake up. I need more time. More time to process and compose myself. The decision has been made. I get my night even if I know I will regret. I want to experience Sasuke knowing he loves me before I face the dawn, living with the knowledge that love is not enough. Love is not going to save us.

‘Does love ever save anyone?’ I wonder speculatively, deliberately trying to turn my tumultuous feelings onto speculative matters. Cool-headed speculation is much easier to control than a maelstrom of emotions. Shikamaru, Shino, Kakashi, and whoever else slept with Sasuke betrayed me, most of who probably believe that they love me. Hell, Sasuke lied and betrayed me and it is becoming increasingly clear that he loves me. ‘Love may well be the most useless emotion in existence,’ I think wryly, a small smirk gracing my face as I feel myself calming down.

My heart still bleeds, but I can’t expect that to stop. Not really. Every shift to pull me closer to him makes my heart shudder. Every attempt Sasuke makes to burrow into my body makes my marrow ache. I wish I could believe that he was lying to me now. That he doesn’t love me, so that I can just rail at fate and be done with it all.

‘How utterly pathetic!’ I think angrily, ‘I finally have Sasuke where I want him and I am sitting here mulling over information that really isn’t a surprise. Sasuke is unstable. Sasuke is a liar. And Sasuke loves me. What does any of this have to do with my night?’

I would hate myself for my weakness. But it is my turn to be honest. This entire night is about my weakness. Needing this time with Sasuke is a testament to my weakness. I know what will follow, self-hatred and recriminations. But those emotions are for tomorrow. But tonight-

As if disturbed by my chaotic feelings, Sasuke suddenly comes awake, though he pretends to be sleep. Pretends to be still.

‘That’s it, bastard. Lie to me.’ Cocking my head so that I can glimpse Sasuke feigning sleep, 'How about it, bastard? Pretend with me that love is enough. Make me believe you’

With that final demand, I heave a deep sigh that unseats Sasuke’s head from my shoulder. I am not surprised to see his eyes open wide with perfect clarity. Again, ninja bodies are funny things. Even if Sasuke wanted to pretend drowsiness, there is not a ninja alive who can dwell in the space between sleep and wakefulness. There are plenty of dead ninja with that ability, but there are certainly no living ninjas with that particular talent. Occupational hazard.

“Ah, the sleeping man wakes,” I mummer quietly, turning to nuzzle Sasuke’s head as I try to hide my inner turmoil.

“You should have woken me,” Sasuke whispers the sound of sleep clogging his throat so that his already raspy voice scratches the air. It is easily the most wonderful sound I’ve ever heard. Completely and totally feigning drowsiness for my benefit, but a wonderful sound.

Turning my face further into his hair, I hold him as he starts to stretch his legs and torso. I am not ready to let him go yet, so I tell him with my body that we are not leaving the bath just yet.

“You’re not ready to get out yet?” Sasuke rasps with amusement. “I think that our skin is wrinkled enough.”

Taking a deep breath, I plunge into the heart of the matter. “Why did you cheat on me all these years Sasuke? Tell me the truth.”

‘Lie to me. Make me believe’

I feel him stiffen. His guard rises instantly. I can tell he is blindsided by the inquiry. But I need to have some semblance of this conversation or I will never be able to enjoy our last night.

“Don’t be angry, Sasuke,” I continue attempting to sooth the man who is growing more tense by the second, “I need to know. I want tonight- but I can’t. I need to understand. I thought-” my voice breaks with my attempt to be honest, “I thought I was special.”

Silence settles over us as I wait. I don’t know what else there is to say. I don’t know how to ask for what I want.

‘Lie to me, Sasuke.’

“It was just sex, Naruto. Nothing more, nothing less,” Sasuke says and stops. I can tell that he his uncertain as to how to proceed. But that he has said this much is a good sign. I thought he was going to storm out of the bath and ruin everything.

I know that I should let it go but I am hoping that Sasuke really is a genius. I am hoping that he can read the air and know that I don’t want the truth. The truth is that there is no excuse for your behavior. ‘I need you to lie to me. Help me gain closure.’

“We are ninja. Of course, you had sexual needs. But you lied. What does that mean, Sasuke?” I end my questioning there before I outright beg Sasuke to lie to me.

The silence that meets my questions is not wholly unexpected.

“I didn’t lie,” Sasuke says with a snort moving away from me to sit up, “There are different kinds of sex, dobe. I think of sex like training. It is necessary for my body. So when I said I was going training, I was. I may have been going to have sex, but in my eyes it was all part of my training. I know you probably don’t understand that. I don’t have to care about people to have sex with them. I-“

“Don’t presume you know me,” I say with a quiet fury, noticing that Sasuke didn’t once mention love. ‘I do not believe for one second that he didn’t love any of his fuck-buddies. Maybe not as lovers, but possibly as friends and somehow that makes his behavior worse.’ “I understand the difference between sex and love. I was not a virgin 4 days ago. So please spare me the ‘birds and the bees’ speech. I am not that fucking naïve. You forget I am a ninja too.”

I wait for Sasuke to react with his usual anger when I assert myself. The last thing I expect to hear is the rusty chuckle seemingly exploding from his chest.

I drag my eyes to stare at his shaking back with a mixture of wonder and irritation. ‘Who the hell is he laughing at?’

“Don’t laugh at me, teme!” I shout pushing him forward in the bath so that I can get out of the bathtub, the anger from earlier threatening to overtake my mood.

Sasuke clinches his arms around my legs tighter and leans back into my chest holding me in place. He doesn’t even bother to cease the rusty chuckle.

“I am not laughing at you, dobe,” Sasuke says with a calm mirth. “And I know you are not naïve. But you have to admit, I have good reason to believe that of you.”

“Whatever teme,” I dismiss seething. ‘What an asshole?’

At Sasuke’s silence, I continue, “So? Why did you sleep with all of those people? No. Scratch that. I don’t really care why. And you already told me why. Training. Why did you lie to me? Why did you leave me to find out about ‘your training’ from other people? Other people you’ve fucked, by the way! How do you really expect me to react when I realize just about everyone in this village knows you better than I do? Me? I’m supposed to be your precious person, right?”

“I told you,” Sasuke begins calmly leaning further back so that I am trapped in the tub, “I didn’t lie. I did fuck those people, but not because we were having serious relationships. We were taking care of our needs. Nothing more and nothing less.”

I cluck my tongue in absolute annoyance. His calm attitude is pissing me the-fuck off. Again, I really do not know what I expected. But this ‘sticking to the facts attitude’ really sucks.

“A lie is when you fail to tell the truth, teme,” I say tensing my body so that I can push away from Sasuke and leave the tub, “The whole truth. You knew that I thought you were doing combat training, not some kind of sexual body maintenance, teme!”


‘Sasuke’

With that, I stop laughing. It has been so long since I have heard Naruto sound like himself; I’m almost having a hard time following our conversation. The fact that I have no idea how to respond to Naruto’s concerns is helping my confusion. Unique experience. Usually I know exactly what he wants to hear. ‘Kami, I really have no idea what ‘this’ Naruto wants to hear. Does he expect me to explain details to him? I will. If he wants. But I am pretty sure that is the last thing that dobe wants. Maybe he wants me to lie to him. In fact, I know he wants me to lie to him. But I won’t.’

“Alright, Naruto,” I say as I grasp for a way to respond, “I still don’t think I lied. I see anything that is required for bodily maintenance as necessary training. But on your definition, I did lie,” I continue through Naruto’s snort of displeasure, “And, you’re right. If I were to be completely honest, I knew that you would interpret my explanations of my activities differently than I meant them. But I only ‘lied’ because I thought you were gone,” I say calmly. I wait for the backlash. I am not surprised that after a brief moment Naruto pushes me off of him and forcibly moves to get out of the bathtub.

“Fuck you, Sasuke,” Naruto spits out as he pulls himself out of the bathtub with enough force to send water flowing over the sides and onto the floor. “You always had me. You knew it and so did I.”

“Maybe,” I mumble, watching him reach for a towel to dry himself off. Eyes trailing down Naruto’s body, I continue, “But you asked for the truth. There it is. I thought, I lost you in the Sound Village.”

Leaning back in the tub, I spread myself out before Naruto’s eyes. I watch his eyes trail over my body. ‘I know him so much better than he thinks. So much better than I think. I’ve always known this Naruto.’

Wrapping a towel around his waist, Naruto leans on the bathroom sink staring at me. I don’t hide. I don’t blush. I am not ashamed of my body. I am not ashamed of the way my body responds to his scrutiny. The lust in his eyes is for me. ‘As it should be.’

“You know, I should have known this wouldn’t work,” Naruto starts with a shake of his head, “You are too selfish to ever simply give without wanting something in return.”

I feel a thrill of anger shoot to my fingertips. “Don’t expect me to apologize, Naruto. Let’s be honest about what’s happening here. You want your farewell night. I am not giving you up. Did you really think I was going to make this easy? Give you closure and fade out of your life. You know me better than that, dobe.”

“I don’t know you at all!”

“Oh I think you do or we wouldn’t be having this conversation. You are essentially begging me to live up to your expectations and disappoint you. Lie to you. Do not underestimate me or us. Don’t look surprised. Your body language speaks for you, dobe. I am not going to lie. I brought back a shell of a man from the Sound Village. I thought the Naruto I knew, my dobe, was killed in the Sound Village. And that’s the truth. The truth, Naruto.”

Watching his face register anger and then disgust, I move to get out of the bath. ‘Enough of this sitting around.’ If we are going to have this conversation now, then so be it.

“You don’t know me, huh?” I ask insistently grabbing a towel and drying my own body, “When did this happen? Last week you said you knew me better than anyone.”

“Last week I didn’t get forced into having sex by a man who apparently forces every available Konoha-nin into having sex,” Naruto exclaims with a sinister glare.

I feel myself freeze and if I could stop it, I would. But I can’t. As the rage wells up in me, I feel myself beginning to lose control.

“I have never,” I begin in a soft, menacing voice, “forced anyone in Konoha to have sex with me. People jump at the chance. You should know, dobe. You could have broken free from those restraints at any time. I made sure of that,” I finish reminding him of his willing submission to me.

The minute the words leave my mouth, I know that they were a mistake. The dark cloud that falls over Naruto’s body is tangible. I wouldn’t be surprised if he tried to attack me.

“Again,” Naruto begins with narrowed eyes, “you are a damn liar. Shino and Shikamaru tell a different story. I believe them. I believe them because I know that you are not above using people’s vulnerabilities against them to get what you want. I may have been able to break those restraints, but you knew I was not ready for any of it, Sasuke. I was not ready!”

I feel my own eyes narrow, “First of all, don’t you fucking say Shino’s name again, dobe,” I say my eyes flashing a warning, “Second, now who is lying, Naruto?” I ask with a sneer, “Tell that story to someone who didn’t see your toes curl and your back arch from coming so hard. I know when someone enjoys me, Naruto. You enjoyed me. You used me and you fucking enjoyed it!”

The flush that lights Naruto’s face would be breathtaking if I wasn’t so damn mad. Not at Naruto per se. Some of what he is saying about his lack of readiness is correct. Naruto probably wasn’t completely ready to have sex with me, but he was ready enough or we wouldn’t be having this conversation right now. And I can’t regret it. Sex brought my Naruto back. The Naruto I’ve been living with for 4 years would never be this bold. No, I am not angry with Naruto. Rather, I want to know what those bastard Konoha ninja told Naruto. It would seem that I owe them pain.

“As to Shikamaru, he told you I forced him?” I ask with a slight hint of incredulity. There is no way that could be true. Both Shino and Shikamaru understood the game we were playing, but especially Shikamaru. We played at dom/sub. We, none of us, had the time and the energy to devote ourselves to a full on dom/sub relationship. In fact, there was no relationship between us at all, just mutual satisfaction. ‘And I didn’t force either one of those bastards to play. They could call a stop to the game whenever they felt like it.’

“Pretty much,” Naruto answers after scanning me for my reactions. I could grin at the growing worry on his face, but I don’t. I am not amused.

“You must have misunderstood them, dobe,” I respond in turn, telling myself to calm down. I have no idea how fragile my dobe is right now; I would hate to fuck this up and have the old Naruto return in full force.

“No, I didn’t. They both insinuated they had no choice,” Naruto says softly, shaking his head and trying to hide the disgust that is welling up in his eyes.

“Look, do you really want to have this conversation tonight? Do you want to hear this?” I ask. “Because I can explain it to you. Or better, I can go next door and drag Shikamaru’s ass in here so that he can explain it to you himself. I did not force him and he will tell you so. I may have used force on him, but I didn’t force him into anything.”

‘Naruto’


‘What is the difference between forcing someone and using force on someone, you twisted fuck!?’ I shout to myself.

My frustration is tangible. I don’t know why I started this conversation. It is not going like I wanted it to go. I wanted him to lie to me. I wanted to make love to him in farewell. And then I wanted to say goodbye. Now, I have to deal with this mind trip. ‘I didn’t force him, but I used force on him. That is so fucking, fucked up I can barely stand it. I can’t live with someone who thinks like this. Who can say something like that with a straight face as if it is not messed up!’

“No need,” I start, my shoulders drooping with fatigue, “I really don’t care about Shikamaru or Shino. Oh, and fuck you, I will say any name I damn well please,” I continue through Sasuke’s warning growl. ‘You do not scare me, teme. Not even a little bit.’ “All I really wanted was to spend time with you while I pretended that I was your precious person. I am almost embarrassed to say that aloud. How fucking stupid can I get?”

I turn to leave the bathroom. When Sasuke grabs my arm I am not surprised, nor do I turn to face him. ‘My night is a disaster. We can’t even have this much without fighting. He refuses to give me what I need. He refuses-'

“I don’t hate you, Naruto,” Sasuke says quietly.

I snort a bit hearing that. Such a Sasuke-like statement. I once thought that Sasuke hated everything in the world but me. He seems to hold most people and things in high disregard, but now I know better. Now, I know that he will lie to me to fuck our friends. High regard does not include lying to consistently fuck others. I have no idea who he holds dear now. ‘I have no idea what or whom he hates. Hell, if he didn’t just state otherwise, I could very easily believe he hates me. Just a little.’

“What is that supposed to mean, teme?” I ask wearily, unwilling to attempt Sasuke-speak tonight.

I feel rather than see his shrug, “I just want you to know that- I don’t hate you.”

With a sarcastic laugh and a sneer, I say, “Good to know, teme. Good to know. I suppose I could have figured that out myself since I have become one of the many ninjas who have had your dick up my ass in the name of training. It is good to be part of the ‘help-Sasuke-train club’.”

Sasuke’s hand clenches like an iron band on my arm. “Fucking, dobe. We had sex. What you and I had was not training.”

“Glad you know the difference. As a matter of fact, how can you tell the difference, Sasuke?” I ask angrily turning my head to look back at him, “Tell me what is the difference between our “play” and the “play” you’ve had with others.”

I watch as Sasuke’s face shutters closed. “It just is. We are different.”

I wrench my arm out of his tight grip, feeling his nails rake and break my skin. But I don’t worry. Kyuubi will take care of the softly bleeding wound quickly. “That is where you are wrong, Sasuke,” I say as I turn to leave the bathroom, “From where I am sitting, I am no different than anyone else in your life.”

-TBC-

A/N: I have the next chapter completed already. It is a lemon chapter. I hope to post it next Friday.