Eerie Queerie

Disclaimer: I don’t own Naruto. If that ever changes, you'd be the FIRST to know:) But don’t hold your breath...you'd pass out!

Warnings: Yaoi yumminess...don't like, don't read, don't complain:)

A/N: I've decided to make the original storyline more interesting...blame it on my muse (it won't shut up!).

Note: 'blah blah blah blah blah blah' - Naruto’s musings

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Naruto's POV

To many, being “gifted” is a blessing. Just look at those star athletes who can effortlessly score point, throw touchdowns, or kick the winning goal. Then you have those who are “gifted” intellectually…lucky bastards that can do exceptional even when they don’t study.

But to me, being “gifted” is a curse.

My name is Uzumaki Naruto and I was (note the past tense) an average, normal high school student. Average in school, average in sports, average in looks…that (unfortunately) hasn’t changed. As for “normal”…well, that’s a different story altogether.

As of 5 minutes ago, I had come to the unfortunate conclusion that I’m NOT normal. Yup, the dreaded two works of every teen: “NOT normal.”

A fact of life: Societies in general, especially high school society, have a very low tolerance to abnormal people…aka freaks. Once branded, the name haunts you forever…as does the ostracizing and the hazing. If you’re lucky, you’ll only have to experience a couple of up close and personal encounters with trash cans. But it you’re not…well, let’s just hope you can run fast! Thus, moral of the story: Be normal. Admitting to otherwise is committing social suicide. Though technically alive, you’d prefer NOT to be.

But what prompted this self-discovery, you ask?

One word: Girls!

More specifically, I met one. Yes, I know I'm lucky to be dealing with only one and not a whole herd of them. No offense, but it's an apt description considering how girls tend to go everywhere in groups...even to the bathroom. Maybe they need moral support. Or maybe...ermmmm...never mind (censored).

But I digress…

I met a girl on the way to school this morning. Her name is Haruno Sakura and boy, is she CUTE:) With her pale pink hair that framed her oval face and those mesmerizing jade-colored eyes, she’s definitely one of the prettiest girls I’ve ever met.

Sounds hot, you say?

Well, there’s one minor technicality…she’s dead…i.e. non-breathing, no heart beating, buried six feet under dead.

Doesn’t sound too good now, does it?

If you haven’t figured it out by now, let me enlighten you: I can see DEAD people. Yes. Really.

I’m sure that NO psychologist or psychiatrist can solve my problem. All they would do is nod and smile, then send me off to the nearest mental hospital after billing me outrageously (damn lechers!). And let me assure you right now those mental institutes in so NOT on my list of fun places to go…much less spend for the rest of my life, thank you very much!

Thus, for the sake of my sanity, I’ve decided to take matters into my own hands. I’ve got to lose me a ghost.

This, unfortunately, is easier said than done.

Now I wouldn’t want to do anything stupid to piss her off. I mean, having a ghost haunting you is bad enough. Having a ghost haunting you and hating your guts is cause enough for me to start investing in some caskets.

Thus, I’ve decided that the best way to deal with this delicate situation is to be subtle.

Don't look at me like that! Since subtlety is my middle name, this is right up my ally. All I, Uzumaki Naruto, have to do is sit back, relax, and let my little gray cells do their magic...or miracle...heh.

'I could try to ward her off with garlic because...ummm...the overwhelmingly bad smell will repulse her to me? (And probably everyone else for that matter). Oh wait, damn! Garlic only works for vampires, not for ghosts...hmmm...I guess I should thank the Good Lord for the small (VERY small) favors. OR maybe I could tie her up and leave her somewhere...but how do you tie up a ghost? More importantly, where in the world am I going to find a rope? Sigh, why don't they teach us anything practical in school?' I could feel my brain melting from over-exhaustion at that point but before it had a chance to fry and completely screw me over, a thought drifted into my mind. A thought so simple I could've kicked myself for not thinking of it earlier.

It could work.

Ladies and gentlemen (drum roll please), I introduce to you my wonderful, awesome, fantastic, magnificent (not to mention original) plan: Run, run like the wind!

Brilliant, isn't it?

Well, what else would you do in my situation besides running away screaming bloody murder? Nix the “screaming bloody murder” part, I’m trying to be “subtle” here!

Thus, 10 times around the neighborhood, 12 fences, and 5 very angry dogs later, I stand in sight of my beacon of light: Konoha High School. I grinned in satisfaction as I scanned the perimeter: No ghost.

“Yes!” I pumped my right fist enthusiastically into the air. Hands clasped behind my head, I mentally patted myself on the back as I strolled leisurely through the school gates.

"Look what the cat dragged in!" A low voice drawled from behind me as I froze. Caught like a deer in the headlights. I slowly turned to face my doom...only to find

"Oh, it's only you." I let out a sigh of relief. My heart rate returned to normal as I turned and headed for the school's entrance.

"Oh, and were you expecting Santa?" The same voice asked sarcastically. I sighed and reluctantly turned around. This is definitely NOT my day.

"Is there anything you need...closet pervert?" I asked dryly.

"It's Ebisu sensei...E-b-i-s-u sensei!" He spluttered indignantly as he pushed his signature black sunglasses further on the ridge of his nose. I rolled my eyes as a telltale blush spread across his cheeks. He can deny it all he wants, but it doesn't change the fact that I caught him drooling over doujinshi at the teachers' lounge last week. Specifically, the ones that involve male teachers and male students doing all kinds of...things that I never thought is physically possible. Of course he adamantly denied having those kinds of interests and claimed he picked up the book out of sheer boredom from the desk next to his. Unfortunately for him, that desk belongs to Fuji-sensei, who's at least 200 years old, happily married and has a million and a half grandkids.

"Well?" I asked impatiently as the closet pervert tried to regain his composure.

"You're tardy...AGAIN!" Funny how I can understand him perfectly through the clenched teeth. "And what in the world happened to you? You look like you just came back from World War III!"

"All for the sake of my country!" I mock saluted as the closet pervert glared at me.

"Na-ru-to." He growled dangerously.

"Ok, fine. It's not my fault. Blame it on Loki!" I crossed my arms in front of me as I glared defiantly at him.

"...Loki?"

"Yah, he chased me up a fence while trying to get at my pants!" I pointed at my obvious dishevel state.

"...your pants?"

"But Yuki is a lot gentler...though he did jump me!" I pouted in annoyance.

"...jumped you?"

"And don't get me started with the other three!" I grumbled angrily.

"...the other three?"

"Why are you repeating everything I say?" I asked in exasperation.

"Why am I repeat----ahem."

"Your nose is bleeding."

“…..”

'Great, I can just see those wheels turning in that perverted head of his. How many days will I be put in detention for this time? Geez, just because I was late a couple times...well, maybe more than a couple times...ok, you know what? Whoever decided to start school at 8am needs to be shot!'

So lost in my own thoughts, I had failed to notice his arm snake around my shoulder. Suddenly, I felt myself being dragged into the shadow of the school.

"Wh--at?" I glanced suspiciously at the arm that's still draped across my shoulder.

"Naruto, Naruto, Naruto." He chuckled while shaking his head.

"That's my name...don't wear it out!" I looked pointedly at his arm.

"I believe that I have just the thing to help you deal with those animals!" Closet pervert grinned slyly while reaching for his back pocket.

"Really?" I asked excitedly. Though I have a soft spot for animals, being ganged up by 5 malicious dogs isn't exactly fun.

'Maybe he's giving me baseball bat, I hear it comes in handy when dealing with ferocious dogs. Although I doubt it'll fit into his back pocket. Or maybe it's one of those electric zapper thingie, you know...ZAPPPPPPP and I get dog meat! Or maybe it's...'

"Icha Icha Paradise vol. 20?" Confused, I glanced up at him for an explanation.

"I've always thought this school is lacking in the Health education. Sure they talk about the bees and the flowers...but what about the bees and the bees?" He patiently waited for an answer.

"Um, you kill them with insecticides?" I had no clue what he was getting at.

"Ehh--no." He looked at me pityingly and sighed. "Not to worry, there is hope for you yet. This little book can help you deal with all 5 of the...at the same time!"

"So do I bash them in the head with this?" I look doubtfully at the book. "Or do I throw it instead?" Closet pervert sighed again and flipped to a random page.

"Baka! Now pay attention...as you can see from this picture, two can go in here and the other can go" My eyes widened to 5 times it's size as my jaw dropped to the floor.

"ARGGGGG! HENTAI!" I screamed at the top of my lungs as I flung the book at his face. "How the hell is this suppose to deal with those stupid dogs!"

"...dogs?" Blink. Blink.

"ARRGGG! HENTAI! CHILD MOLESTER! " Sniff, sniff. "AND TRANSVESTITE! ARRRGGGG!" I pointed my finger at him accusingly.

"NANI?"

"You reek of women's perfume!" I wrinkled my nose in disgust.

Sniff, sniff. "I don't smell anything!"

"Oh yeah? Then how come you smell exactly like the girl from this morn--"

Uh-oh.

Warning bells started ringing incessantly in my head. Acting on instinct, I ducked and narrowly missed the fist that was flying towards me from behind. Closet pervert, on the other hand, wasn't quite so lucky. But I'm sure he had enjoyed the flight despite the rough landing.

'Serves him right, hentai! But damn! That girl has some major muscles to be able to send him flying off like that. Definitely don't wanna get on her bad side...'

I turned towards her.

Too late. Jade eyes blazed with irritation as she glared at me.

'Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Think, think, THINK!' She cracked her knuckles as she walked towards me.

'I know!' I grabbed two tree branches from the ground. Think 'tree.' I am a TREE! She pounded one fist into the other palm as she came closer.

'Damn, didn't work! I know, I'll play dead!' I flopped to the ground and held my breath. I strained my ears to listen for any sound but all I hear is...silence. 'Ah-ha, I fooled her!'

WHAM!

"That only works on bears, BAKA!"

POW!

"How DARE you leave a LADY in trouble?"

WHACK!

"Hentai! I can't believe you...with your teacher...!"

BAM! KA-POW! BONK! WHACK! POW! WHAM!

"Ahhhhh...I feel so much better now!" She sighed contently and looked at her handiwork.

The "handiwork" groaned and whined pitifully: "Itai...Sakura-chaaaan."

"That's Haruno-san to you!" She raised her right fist menacingly.

'Girls are scary (sweatdrop)'.

"W-why are you here?" I managed to squeeze the words out despite my swollen cheeks.

"I was waiting for you of course!" Sakura glared at me.

"You FOLLOWED me?" I asked incredulously as I propped myself up.

"Of course not! I came here directly." Sakura snapped.

"Demo...demo...how'd you know I go to this school?" I scratched my head in confusion.

"You're wearing their uniform." Sakura replied wryly.

"...oh." My wonderful, awesome, fantastic, magnificent (not to mention original) plan had failed…utterly, completely and horribly. Bemoaning the brain cells that were sacrificed this morning, I mentally kicked myself in the head.

"You're so DUMB!" Sakura ranted. "Only idiots like you can think up such stupid ideas! Honestly, haven’t you ever heard of the word 'subtle'? Humph, obviously not since you're anything but!"

"Sakura-chaaaaan..." I whined as I collapsed back onto the ground. Talk about rubbing salt onto an open wound.

"If it wasn't for HIM, I wouldn't put up with a BAKA like you!" She snorted.

"...him?" I glanced curiously at her form the corner of my eyes. So lost in her own little world, she had failed to take notice of my question. If that love struck expression on her face is any indication, I'd say she's got it BAD. Actually, judging from the fervor in her eyes, I'd say more than bad. Fangirl? Yup. Rabid? Most definitely. I'm starting to feel sorry for the poor guy.

"Naruto, I'll forgive you if you help me out!" Sakura said sweetly. I looked at her suspiciously as she innocently stared back at me. Before I had a chance to reply, she took me by my foot and started to drag me into the school...feet first.

"Itai. Itai. Itai. Itai" I complained as my head bounced precariously up the stairs.

"Trust I get stuck with some empty-headed blonde!" Sakura mumbled underneath her breath. “They must really hate me up there.”

"Nani?" I asked irritably. I'm starting to get a headache here.

"Just listen to those hollow sounds!" Sakura snapped impatiently.

'Hollow sounds? What hollow sounds? All I hear is the sound of my head beating against the floor...oh.' I crossed my arms across my chest and started fuming. Before I got very far, she suddenly dropped my foot. Rubbing the tender spot on the back of my head, I slowly got up and blinked in surprise.

"Ne, ne...how'd you know this is my classroom?"

"Who cares about you?" Sakura asked absentmindedly as she impatiently pushed me inside. Scanning the room, she finally located her target and zeroed in. Following her gaze, I looked toward the poor soul who's the object of her obvious obsession.

It's HIM. The bane of my existence.

I scowled darkly at him. As usual, I was ignored. My scowl deepened. Lost in my mental ranting, I didn't even notice how my glare had shifted from eye-level to looking down at him as if I suddenly sprouted another 5 feet. Blinking in confusion, I looked around frantically.

'Was it something I ate!' Looking down, I saw myself walking purposefully towards HIM.

'What the-? How the-?' If I had known I’d need to think later, I so wouldn’t have burned up my brain cells this morning.

"Ano...Uchiha Sasuke-kun?" I saw my lips form the words hesitantly.

'Wait a minute, if I’m floating up here…there who’s down…Sakura! It must be her! Don't tell me she somehow took over my body.' Reeling from shock, I finally connected the dots and it didn't turn out to be a very pretty picture. Mortified, I could only stare as a telltale blush spread across my checks…erm, HER cheeks.

'Please don’t tell me she’s going to do what I think she’s going to do! ARG! I'm dead. I'm dead. I'm DEAD!' I screamed at the top of my lungs.

"Sasuke-kun..." Those damn lips began again. “I.”

'I'mDEADI'mDEADI'mDEADI'mDEADI'mDEADI'mDEADI'mDEADI'mDEADI'm---'

"I'm in love with you!"

'dead.'

tbc...

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Author's Corner

Questions? Comments? Curses? Please review!

Kagaya: YAH! First reviewer:) *throws yaoi cookies* Don't worry, I have all kinds of plans for lil' Naru-chan ~grins~

FlameArchanist: Thanks for reviewing!!! Don't hesistate to point out where I need work...cuz I need ALL the help I can get:)

Emina: I hope this chapter amused you:) LOL, I got the idea of the...ah "dogs" from a real life misunderstanding...~grins~ and of course we can't forget the "closet pervert"...hehe he's good for a gag or two!

clowangel: Well the last chapter was suppose to be the "prologue" so I purposely made it a bit short...but hopefully this one is more to your taste! ENJOY:)

Crystal: ~grins~ Thanks for reviewing both of my work...I remember you from Guardian Angel (my second story) as well~! THanks for your encouragement and keep reviewing!!

Puchu: AANNNNNNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDDDD the crackiness continues~! Yes, yes, sakura is a ghost..."HELL YAH" is rite! ~grins~

dezzi: Sowie to put you through all my un-beta works...but thanks for being there:) ~muah~