Tangled up in Lace

Chapter Two: Denied

None who have always been free can understand the terrible fascinating power of the hope of freedom to those who are not free.
-- Pearl S. Buck


“Sakura…?” Naruto leaned against her window frame and called out again, a bit louder. “Sakura-chan?”

The window opened with a bang – the sun hadn’t even risen yet, after all – and Naruto steeled himself for one of Sakura’s verbal lashings, but she must have seen something in his face, or belatedly discovered her feminine intuition. Her mouth snapped shut and her anger dissolved into worry. “Naruto? What are you doing hanging above my window? Come on in.”

He’d wanted to slip in quietly but every one of his senses was off and he kicked her bedside lamp before he managed to flop onto the bed. Sakura picked up the lamp and gave him the softest look he had ever seen and Naruto realised… Iruka-sensei had probably come to visit her after they had met at Ichiraku’s.

Naruto wanted to be angry at them for keeping such close tabs on him, for being so concerned for him now and not when he had really needed it, ten years earlier… but he didn’t have the spark of it in him. It was pointless to think like that, to hold a grudge against all his friends for doing what good children did: listen to their parents. Be as it may, there was no hatred towards him now and Naruto detested the way in which he couldn’t quite let go of that hurt, it made him feel petty. It was bad enough that he knew he was being petty when he got angry at them for not being… him.

One of Sakura’s small hands touched his shoulder and Naruto found he didn’t want to talk, though that was what he’d originally come for. There was a foolish corner of his mind that kept trying to believe things would become easier now that Sasuke was back, even though they only got harder. That, in itself, he could not put in words.

“I screwed up again.”

Sakura frowned. “Naruto...”

“I screwed up, big time.”

Sakura licked her lips and looked out the window with a faint flush on her cheeks. “Did you and Sasuke---?”

Naruto flushed too, then paled.

It wasn’t uncomfortable to talk about sex with Sakura, not as uncomfortable as he had long ago imagined it would be. Then again, there was a considerable wealth of history between them now. Naruto still remembered the awkwardness of their muddled attempt at dating a few years back. They had both committed themselves to it, in desperation perhaps, to try to stamp out the gaping space between them. Naruto studiously behaved as a boyfriend should, asking her out and always paying – even though it annoyed Sakura because she knew the state of his finances. Sakura wrote him little letters and took her time dressing up for him. Konoha’s people, ninja and non-combatants alike, turned their heads as they passed, smiling wistfully at their joined hands and nervous laughter. They had both done their very best, even though Kakashi’s eyes told them he could see through their act, contrived as it was.

Naruto knew they had both truly wanted – wholeheartedly – to make it more than that.

When they finally decided to go beyond kissing and groping it was a fumbling mess. Naruto had only ever touched a boy, and Sakura only knew what she got from the Academy’s sexual education and Ino’s collection of soft porn. The truth was probably grittier than she’d expected and her discomfort startled and upset Naruto. Ill-matched, they still gave their very best. Naruto undid himself trying to be as gentle and intense as any girl could want and he was good to her, Sakura knew few girls were so lucky on their first time, she’d told him so on one occasion.

However, as hard as they’d tried, some things were bound to sneak out of the shadows they so studiously ignored. At the height of the first – and only - time they ever made love, when they came, each cried out another person’s name; the wrong name to call. Naruto remembered arching his back and crying out in pleasure and anger at his own slip of the tongue before he realised she too was sobbing for Sasuke, and he didn’t have the strength to be offended. Nor did she, in the end. They moved in synch, awash in sensation, and clung to each other, seeking in the other’s skin the answer to an aching chasm. Sasuke was what had brought them together as children, now that he was gone, he still managed to lie between them.

Oddly fitting, only Kakashi seemed unsurprised at their separation.

“Naruto… did you…?” Sakura was staring at him again with soft green eyes that held no judgement.

“Yes… no.” He looked away, avoiding her steady gaze. “Not quite. But… Kinda.”

“Kinda,” she echoed softly. She chewed on her lip, clearly trying to put her own thoughts in order, then she sighed wearily. “Well, it wasn’t as if you didn’t see it coming, did you? We did.”

Naruto shook his head, though he didn’t argue against her. The more the thought about it, the less he wanted to think about it. He leaned in to press his shoulder against hers. She tensed for a moment before putting an arm around his back as any team mate would. “Naruto, what happened?”

“I don’t want to talk about it, Sakura-chan.”

Sakura’s arms were warm and they drew lazy circles on his back, slipping a hand under his shirt to do so more comfortably. Naruto sighed breathily into the caress and closed his eyes. “Lee is going to come and pick me up for his ‘early morning training of youth’… do you want me to send him away?”

Naruto wondered if he’d ever find out how Mrs. Haruno took Sakura’s dating Lee right after Naruto. Sakura’s taste in men had given Konoha a fair amount of gossip to chew on. “No, it’s fine. I’ll go.” He moved to leave, but Sakura pressed him down into her bed and her caress turned into a backrub. Naruto bit back a groan, caught between cursing and blessing her skills as a healer.

“I’ve rarely seen you this tense.”

That would be the unresolved sex going on in my life, Naruto thought bitterly. “Hmph…”

“Do the knots in your back have anything to do with your ‘kinda’ bedding Sasuke?” Naruto almost fell off the bed when her words registered.

“Sakura!” he growled. She only laughed and rubbed harder. He wasn’t nearly as comfortable as it would take for him to joke on the matter, but Sakura’s humour heartened him somewhat. For a long time now she’d become his closest friend and Naruto wouldn’t trade her for the world. It was something rare and precious to him, the fact that he had someone he could go to at times like this, someone who would never turn her back on him.

Unlike…

Naruto scrunched his eyes shut and let out a shaky sigh as Sakura’s fingers found a particularly painful knot and loosened it. Sasuke had turned his back on Naruto first, it shouldn’t bother him. It shouldn’t worry him, but he couldn’t help wondering if Sasuke – Saki? – had gone back to his apartment like that: clothes tousled, eyes ablaze, neck full of kiss-marks. Was he there now, in that clinically hygienic and ordered space, nursing his neurotic nature into a fit as he trudged, garters undone, in that huge room…alone?

What on earth came over me, to even try and….?

“You got over him;” Naruto murmured, shielding himself behind closed eyes from the flinch he felt echoed in Sakura’s fingers.

“I stopped being in love with him, but I never got over Sasuke, Naruto,” she corrected, even-voiced.

“You stopped loving him.”

“I stopped being in love, you idiot. I never stopped loving him,” Sakura’s voice sounded unbearably weary.

Naruto mulled this over. “But how did you do that?”

“… stop being in love?”

“Yeah.”

Sakura’s fingers went back to caressing his back, tracing his spine slowly with her nails in a way that made him all but purr. “I don’t know… I just did.” Her fingers stopped below his shoulder, stroking a scar that Naruto knew all too well. His belly clenched uncomfortably.

“I can’t. Couldn’t. Not even now. I still---“

“I know,” she hushed him, rubbing his scalp through his tangled hair. “I know, and it’s okay, Naruto. It’s okay.”

His throat hurt, as if there was something caught inside of it. “But it isn’t. It’s not okay, and will never be o---“ He stopped short as he felt her lean down to press her forehead between his shoulder blades. “Sakura-chan?”

“It will be okay, Naruto. It will be… because, I think… Sasuke… he never stopped loving you either.”

But was he ever in love? He loved you too, I bet he even loved Kakashi… but not as much as he loved Itachi. Naruto nodded vaguely, mostly to appeace Sakura, feeling her pillowcase rasp against his cheek. “Sure.”

“Naruto---“

“Sakura-san!” There was one solid bang at her door. “The birds are out and the sun has almost risen, it is no longer an ‘inhuman’ hour for training!”

Distantly, Naruto heard Sakura’s mother groan and chuckle. Mrs. Haruno had probably left the door open for Lee, or told him where she hid the spare key. That kind of domestic bliss was something Naruto couldn’t quite imagine.

“I should be going.”

“No, Naruto, stay. You can train with us for a change.”

Lee had stepped into the room and Naruto felt the questions piling up between them. Not that Lee doubted Sakura or anything of the sort. In fact, seeing Naruto face down on her bed with Sakura’s hands inside his shirt only made Lee’s face cloud over with worry. Naruto considered telling them he didn’t deserve friends like those, but it was too sappy a declaration for him to feel comfortable uttering. Lee would probably take him up on it and strike and pose and… oh, hell, he just loved them as they were.

Naruto got to his feet and grinned sheepishly at Lee. “Sorry bud, they don’t hand out free backrubs anywhere else.”

“Especially not this early in the morning,” Sakura retorted with a crooked smile. Lee glanced between them and Naruto saw the moment – clear cut and defined - when Lee chose to trust them and dismissed the situation until it was brought to him willingly. Naruto thought that, indeed, he was perfect for Sakura in that particular way of his.

“Naruto, you should try some relaxation techniques before going to sleep after training if you are getting back problems at such a young age! Gai-sensei could probably teach you some, I can ask him if you want me to.”

Naruto laughed, pulling down on his shirt to smooth out the creases left by Sakura’s ministrations. “Nah, I can ask Kakashi, no one looks as relaxed as he does.”

“The porn must have something to do with it, if you ask me,” Sakura quipped and Naruto laughed Lee’s furious blush away.

“Yeah, it probably does.”


* * *


Naruto didn’t exactly feel better after being with Sakura, but he felt more composed.

Kakashi didn’t show up for mission hand-outs that morning and Naruto hoped – fervently – that the distressingly lax man had forgiven Sasuke already, forgiven him enough to justify helping him where Naruto could not.

Shikamaru said nothing of the bite marks on Naruto’s neck, but Naruto saw him collecting a small sum of money from Chouji and Tenten, and Kiba at the end of the day. A part of him wanted to laugh, another wanted to crawl away and puzzle his own feelings out. He figured Shikamaru had let him see the exchange to show him they were all ‘okay’ with the matter, as much as they could be if they were placing bets on his sex-life; it was characteristic Konoha humour. The message was clear: if this was what Naruto wanted, they would stand by him.

It didn’t help that things were not as ‘okay’ as they apparently thought they were.


* * *


Of course, just because the Rookie Nine and Team Gai had a – rather forced – change of heart regarding Uchiha Sasuke, this new development did not include any of the townspeople or any of the remaining ninja which were, in truth, the majority of the Konoha population. Naruto caught Sasuke walking through the crowds a day or two later, after having carefully avoided him as much as he could. Sasuke walked with his head held high and a level gaze, but Naruto could see beneath the façade, he saw Sasuke’s shoulders bunch infinitesimally as an old lady spat before his feet; Naruto saw Sasuke’s tense swallow when the fish vendor refused to sell him anything.

Not that the civilian townspeople really liked Naruto either, but hating Sasuke seemed considerably more justified, all in all.

Naruto clenched his fists inside his pockets and looked away. There was nothing he could do anyway, he didn’t even know what to say to Sasuke after what had happened.

I’m sorry.

I missed you.

Did you and Orochimaru….?

Who taught you those things, Saki-chan?

Sasuke tried a few more stores before stomping off and Naruto knew, even though Sasuke’s face was impassive, what it was that he had gone to do.

When Saki appeared almost an hour later – and Naruto could hardly believe he’d been standing in one place for so long – it drew a collective smile from all the stands. She bought her groceries in peace, though Naruto could see the way her nimble hands shook as she counted the change and he wondered… how much of Sasuke came undone in those clothes? How much of Saki was Sasuke, giving voice to all the things an avenger could not – should not – feel? What would Sasuke have done for power, if Orochimaru asked? Anything?

Naruto’s fingers twitched, his scar throbbed.

Anything.

“Saki-chan!” He called out to her, not knowing why but not wanting to stay the silent observer when, truly, Sasuke’s pain still wounded him deeply. “Babe, how have you been?”

Black eyes lifted warily, tiredly, and gave him a long measuring look. “Naruto-kun,” was her greeting to him. More an acknowledgement than anything else. Naruto shifted irritably and moved to sit on a bench. She rested her bags on the ground and perched on the bench beside him.

“Saki… I…” Could he apologise? Or should it be to Sasuke that he apologised? Shouldn’t Sasuke be apologising to him…? Though, for what? “Listen, the other night…”

Something flickered and guttered out in those black depths. Saki’s lashes were long and when she drooped her eyelids they hid the quenched flame of her gaze. Her mouth worked, almost as if chewing, before she spoke: “It was a mistake, Naruto-kun. I’m sorry I got you involved in my… problems.”

Naruto looked up, then down and then around, desperately seeking an answer to that blatant attempt at putting further distance between them. “Sas---Saki, baby… it’s okay. I’m one of your problems anyway.” His cheeky grin did not light a single spark in her dark eyes. Naruto cheeks hurt from smiling so hard. “Talk to me, baby. I can’t do anything if you don’t say what’s wrong.”

Fury, barely contained, and a touch of sorrow; Sasuke’s eyes were there, beneath the mauve eyeshadow and the scent of asphodel. “I think we should take a break from each other, Naruto-kun.”

Naruto’s body froze, something was being cut up and ground inside his body. “No.”

“Naruto-kun,” she pressed on, forcefully. “This… this isn’t going to work.”

“No. You’re wrong.”

“Naruto…-kun,” the last bit almost an afterthought. “I’m not who you want me to be.” True, Saki wasn’t Sasuke just like Sasuke wasn’t Saki, they were shards of something Naruto knew he’d glimpsed once. Something he would have died for. “And I will never be.”

“Saki…”

“Good day, Naruto-kun.” She rose in one fluid motion and grabbed her bags. Naruto’s hand shot out to grasp her wrist, effectively stopping her. Dark hair fell over one eye as she stared him down, implacably. “Please let me go.”

“I still love you.” He blurted it out unthinkingly and watched his words land on Sasuke’s eyes like the blows of a sword. Naruto squeezed the wrist he held, staring deep into that fragmenting gaze, willing her to understand that somehow – stupidly – Naruto still loved Sasuke, still loved all of him.

Just like Sasuke had never stopped loving his brother: with that same loyalty, the same sorrow, the same fatalistic understanding of where they stood with each other.

“Then… let me go, Naruto-kun.”

He did. Numbness crept over him as she hurriedly walked away, clutching the bags to her chest.


* * *


Naruto didn’t see Sasuke – or Saki – for the next few weeks. He wondered if he should feel relieved, but his chest was too tight for him to remember what being relieved was supposed to be like. Sakura and Lee tailed him constantly and Naruto was sure he hadn’t imagined almost-seeing Kakashi patrolling his window at night. It was as if Naruto’s entire world were holding its breath and still Sasuke managed to be inconspicuously absent.

It reminded Naruto of what it had been like when Sasuke had left, with everyone fawning over him with that gruff ninja style of fussing over someone. Except that now it was worse, because he knew that Sasuke was somewhere in Konoha and yet, somehow, it felt as if they had never been farther away from each other.

When they finally came face to face again it was for a mission. Naruto, jounin rank and all, still took the lower C and D ranked missions because he was as poor as a gutter rat and he needed the money. It hadn’t occurred to him that Sasuke, being confined to the city premises, would have to take only the lower ranking missions. Naruto realised that someone must have been looking out for him if he hadn’t yet met up with Sasuke on any such errand.

Typically, understanding came as a low blow because he found himself paired with Sasuke on a ridiculously simple request to help gather the watercress in one of the harvesting canals, just shy of the city gates. Naruto’s chest felt empty of heart and bone and muscle, a concave space that made breathing uncomfortable. Sasuke blinked once, proof enough of his horrified startlement, then his gaze went blank.

Naruto gave Shizune a long, sideways glance. “And no one else was available for this inhumanly dangerous mission?”

Shizune didn’t even look up. She stacked some files together and banged them against the table to put them in order. “It takes a real man to harvest watercress,” she intoned with a sarcastic smile. Naruto ground his teeth, keeping to himself the fact that his reeked of Tsunade and/or Kakashi.

They hardly spoke to each other on the way there.

Naruto saw Sasuke look away when the farmer frowned at the ‘traitor’s presence’, as he put it. Naruto smiled winningly, all too aware that he was not a much better option. “S’all that was available, mister.” Which wasn’t quite true, even a genin would find this demeaning, it made Naruto wonder about Tsunade’s ulterior motives regarding him and Sasuke.

The man shrugged and waved them off towards the canal, telling them to keep their hands off the yellower sprouts. Naruto scoffed and stalked over, kicking his sandals off as he went. Sasuke followed him, a distinctly thick presence at his back, like a shadow made of tar. They harvested the watercress in silence, avoiding each other’s eyes as carefully as they avoided touching. Naruto’s heart hammered in his chest whenever Sasuke came close, but all that followed was the crushing disappointment of his constant retreats.

Who would have thought Uchiha Sasuke was such a coward?

“Bastard, move over, you’re crushing those sprouts.” Sasuke’s jaw tightened but he moved without protesting. Somehow, that angry compliance only fed Naruto’s anger. “Couldn’t you harvest your side any faster? We’ll be here till midnight at this rate.” Still no answer. “Pretty fucking pathetic for a supposed genius.” And still no reply, though Naruto saw a muscle jumping wildly on the underside of Sasuke’s jaw. He wanted to put his lips there and suck on it. “Geez, no wonder you’re so slim, your food gather skills just plain suck.”

Sasuke dropped the basket with a loud and muddy splash and turned, mouth open with his retort ready, but it never came. Naruto watched as Sasuke’s eyes widened impossibly and his skin turned a sickly grey shade. Sasuke’s lips remained parted though he seemed about to burst out of his skin, frozen as he was on the spot. Naruto opened his mouth to ask what was wrong and then he saw it. A long black snake slithered through the water between Sasuke’s legs, brushing against the inside of his calf as it moved past them. Sasuke flinched when it went under again and the gentle current masked the ripples.

Naruto stared at the spot where it had disappeared. His chakra sense told him it was a regular snake like any other, more so: “It’s a common black lake-lapper, bastard, not poisonous.”

Sasuke’s blinked once, slowly, and shuddered violently. Naruto saw him clench his teeth, jaw drawn so tight it hollowed out his cheeks and… Sasuke turned and stomped out of the water and into the surrounding bushes in a hurry. Naruto was left there, staring dumbly at the bobbing motion of Sasuke’s basket as it floated over the watercress, in the wake of Sasuke’s departure. It took him a few moments to gather himself up and chase Sasuke into the bushes, mystified by the reaction to such a harmless sna--- oh.

Naruto walked slowly, as one would when approaching a wild animal. Sasuke stood with his back to him, leaning heavily against the rough trunk of a pine tree. Pine needles crunched under Naruto’s bare feet as he reached Sasuke and, tentatively, lifted a hand. “Sasuke…?”

Sasuke’s fingers dug into the bark, cracking it. Naruto lifted a hand and placed it gently on his back, and almost jumped out of his skin when Sasuke dropped to his knees, heaving. Sasuke’s hair was long now, it obscured his face as his body wound up on itself. Naruto knelt behind him and ran his fingers through the dark locks, pulling them back as Sasuke made a rough gagging noise and threw up on the floor. The spasms that wracked his body did not ease until Sasuke was coughing up a thin dribble of bile and cold sweat made his black shirt stick to his back. Naruto manoeuvred the dark locks so that he held them all in one hand and used the other to carefully squeeze Sasuke’s shoulder.

“Sasuke…” He searched his mind for something to say and came drew a huge blank. Sasuke shivered and coughed beside him. Naruto wondered what it was that Orochimaru had done to put such a visceral reaction into Sasuke’s body, grafting such revulsion into his friend’s skin. Did he even want know what it was that happened in Sound? He knew now, without a doubt, that Orochimaru had touched Sasuke, had done something to him… that Saki’s shocking experience was nothing for him to be jealous of. He could not, in good conscience, feel envious of Orochimaru when this was what Sasuke felt, deep down. “D—did…” Naruto licked his lips, leaned forwards. “Did Orochimaru….?”

Did he what? Naruto wasn’t even sure of what he was asking about. Sasuke shuddered and wiped his mouth with his arm, taking deep breaths. “Why does it matter to you?” His voice was roughened by the acid in his throat, making his smooth tones guttural.

“I…”

“You hated it. So why does it matter if he did… or didn’t?”

Naruto closed his eyes, faced with the absolute truth in Sasuke’s voice. So… that practice, that sensual ease and the perfectly executed caresses, all of that was Orochimaru’s in one way or another? Yes, he’d hated it when Saki touched him as if he were a mission to complete, as if touching him where a mechanical formula, a task to be finished as soon as possible so he could---so he could leave.

“I thought… that you went to him willingly.”

“Fool! Of course I did.”

Naruto blinked, broadsided. “Wha--?”

“You don’t honestly think—“ a cough, and Sasuke sat up a bit straighter, still not facing him. “You can’t honestly believe he forced me into anything, can you? I chose.”

“You chose…” And he’d destroyed himself with that one choice, placing himself astride Orochimaru’s crucible in an attempt to become something more, something different. Naruto gritted his teeth, feeling his gums ache. “Was it good then?”

“What?” Sasuke’s voice seemed to shrink.

“Was it good? Did you enjoy it?” Naruto knew the answer to that, at least. “Did you get what you wanted from it?” Now that was a question.

“Why the fuck do you care, Uzumaki?”

“It must have been worth something.”

Sasuke’s breath hissed edgily. “I thought that might do it.”

Naruto frowned darkly. “Do what?”

“… kill that thing---I wanted him to kill all the things in me that were weak,” Sasuke took a deep breath and stood up, Naruto let go of his hair and found himself staring up into a pair of torrid black eyes. “He said he could.”

Sasuke… you idiot, Naruto thought to himself. You gave him Saki because you wanted him to kill her?

Naruto looked down at his bare feet, avoiding Sasuke’s scorching gaze. He had said he did it to kill everything in him that was weak, to that effect, he’d been Saki for Orochimaru. It gave Naruto a devastatingly clear image of who – or what – Saki was in Sasuke’s mind.

If made Naruto see who it was he’d been bedding as a younger boy.

Sasuke was gripping his own arms in a mockery of an embrace, fingers digging into the skin of his biceps mercilessly.

“I didn’t work, did it?”

Black eyes, depthless, stared down at him. “N—not like I…” Sasuke pursed his lips and looked away. “Whatever, let’s forget this.”

“No, let’s not.”

Sasuke let out a soft growl. “Naruto, Sa… it isn’t real.”

“I think that’s a lie.”

“Then you’re a moron, as usual,” Sasuke ground out around clenched teeth. He was turning pale again and Naruto knew he’d hit a spot.

“I think she’s as real as you, I think she is you, bastard. In a way, at least.”

“Damnit, Naruto! It’s not real, she’s not real! The person you love is just a fucking disguise.”

“The person I love… the person I loved, was strong enough to face his fears.” Naruto let it drop between them like a hammer.

“Loved? As in past tense?” Naruto cursed silently and Sasuke let slip a sharp bark of laughter, a hoarse, terrible sound. “No, it’s true. You’re in love with someone who died long ago, idiot. I’m not your team mate any longer, I gave that up willingly, I punched a hole through your chest and left you there to die. I took all those pretty skirts you like to masturbate with and had Orochimaru do as he pleased with it all. I am not the your best friend any longer and Saki---“ a ragged breath. “Saki was never anything more than a game, and it’s a sullied game now. You hated it anyway.”

Something inside Naruto’s chest was shaking, it wanted to creep out of his throat and he swallowed it down, feeling his neck ache with the tension caused by simply staying still. “Fuck you,” was all he could say. It hurt to speak.

Sasuke laughed coldly. “Why not? Isn’t that was Saki was to you? A pretty fucktoy that – for a change – enjoyed being with you; because no one but Saki would ever touch you like a lover, not the Kyuubi’s vessel.” Naruto closed his eyes and focused on breathing. “You liked having someone masturbate you and I enjoyed the distraction. If she—I--- if it no longer fits your image of prissy perfection, then go bark up someone else’s tree.”

“Did you fuck people on missions?”

“Did you?”

“As Saki?”

“I remember what you looked like when we met in that Rice Country pub, Naruto. Who are you pretending to judge, me or yourself?”

“Did you enjoy it, you fucker?”

“Didn’t you whore yourself out to that pervert sannin for jutsus?”

”Only one us whored himself out for power, you twisted bastard.”

“Naturally, the other got the full package conveniently shoved in at birth.”

Naruto’s breath hissed out as he breathed from between his clenched teeth. “Don’t you dare…”

“Why not? It’s true, isn’t it? Without the kyuubi you’d be nothing but dead-last Naruto, probably still trying to become a genin.” Sasuke laughed edgily. “Without that you would be dead already, I would have killed you. I put my fist through you, no one could have survived that.” Naruto turned his face slowly to stare into Sasuke’s eyes and found them to be too wide. “You would have been dead, like Shisui-san, and I would have the magenkyou sharingan. Don’t you see? I killed you Naruto, I really killed you.”

“Sasuke…”

“Whether you lived or not is unimportant because I truly was trying to kill you, and you only lived because you cheated.” Naruto stared at Sasuke’s shaking fingers for a long time before reaching out, standing up as he clutched one of Sasuke’s hands and pried it away from the arm it was mangling. “I--- I really---“

“But you didn’t.”

Sasuke shivered as if he’d been doused with freezing water.

“And even if I’m not your best friend, you are mine.”

“That’s just idiotic,” Sasuke whispered, hand slackening against the fingers that grasped it.

“What can I say? I’m an idiot.” Sasuke closed his eyes as Naruto spoke, flinching as though he’d been hit. “I can’t give up on you. I’m sorry, I just can’t.”

“I won’t stop hurting you, Naruto. I don’t think I can.”

“I don’t care what you do for as long as you stay here.”

Sasuke drew in one last shaky breath. “Why would I leave? My brother’s dead already. I only kept on moving because…”

“I know,” Naruto agreed softly. “But you’ll have to find a new reason to keep moving now.”

“And you want that to be you?” Sasuke laughed bitterly. “Now that’s what I call humble.”

Naruto let go of his hand with a rough shove. “Actually, I was hoping you’d do it for yourself, for a change. You’re not the victim any longer Sasuke, you gave that up the minute you turned to Orochimaru. You did this to yourself and, even if you didn’t get to punch a hole through Itachi’s chest - just mine – you did what you set out to do. He’s dead.”

“… I almost killed you.”

“You saved me from Akatsuki, you jerk.”

Sasuke blinked a few times as if to clear a shadow from his eyes. Naruto judiciously looked the other way. “I…”

“Forget it,” Naruto sighed, too tired to keep fighting Sasuke’s circular logic. “Let’s go finish harvesting. I’m tired.”


* * *


“Naruto?”

Naruto turned his head to face the speaker, forcing a wide smile onto his face. “Sakura-chan! I didn’t hear you.” He had heard her, but he’d hoped she would walk past the ramen stand without coming up to him. “What’s up?”

“Ino-pig and Chouji have been pestering everyone into organising a get-together at Aoi’s tonight. Didn’t you hear?”

“No, sorry. I was harvesting watercress all day.”

“Ouch. You didn’t squash Mr. Hiroshi’s sprouts did you?”

“No, nor did I burn his cat or fill his house up with all the bloody snakes that live in his harvesting canals,” Naruto enumerated the problems he’d encountered, feeling his belly drop at the memory of the untimely black snake. He pushed his best smile back up to the fore but he could see that Sakura wasn’t fooled. “So, Aoi’s? Rookie Nine and such?”

“And such. I think Team Gai are finally getting used to being thrown in with our lot.” Sakura laughed and Naruto felt his smile loosen up a fraction. She would have the inside story, he mused, seeing how dating Lee had led her to hang out with TenTen and Neji on a regular basis; more than with any other team, at least… and with their own cell lacking two members and substance…

Sometimes it feels as if Team 7 were truly dead, Sakura-chan. He couldn’t say that, of course, but he felt it… sometimes.

“Well, you can certainly count me in! Who’s treating me though?” Sakura’s hearty laugh made his chest feel lighter and he grinned mischievously.

“I think Lee volunteered, since he doesn’t drink anyway.”

“He did? But Aoi’s sells the most expensive glasses of soda in Fire Country! He’ll go broke!”

“Count yourself lucky,” Sakura admonished, thwapping him over the head with the open palm of her hand. Naruto slurped up the last of his ramen and paid the bill in a hurry.

“Well lead the way! I can’t wait to see Neji’s face when I tell him my grubby paws were all over his favourite veggie. Think he’ll die?”

Sakura snorted. “Maybe he’ll switch to turnips.”

“Or he’ll die,” Naruto supplied hopefully, earning himself another swat on the head. “Awww, Sakura-chan, that hurt!”

Aoi’s was not the best nor the cleanest of pubs in Konoha but it was the traditional ninja hangout. It had been so since the times of the Niidaime, some said, though others attributed the pub’s popularity to a certain rambunctious genin the Sandaime had the misfortune to be teacher of. The most respectable Frog-sannin refused to give any opinion on the matter, though the elderly owner continuously messed up his drinks.

Naruto pranced in with all the ease in the world, having practiced his sleek entrance back when he first made up his mind that, kyuubi or no kyuubi, he was a Konoha-nin and he could hang out at Aoi’s if he wanted to. The Rookie Nine – who would never be able to shake off that name – and Team Gai – who were now thought of as part of the Nine, to their constant annoyance – had made of Aoi’s their personal hangout as well, mostly because the owner was extra careful to never ever give Lee anything stronger than lemon juice. Less commented was the fact that the owner had – inexplicably – a noticeable soft spot for Naruto (often attributed to his similarities with a certain rambunctious genin from the past).

“Hey, guys!” Sakura called to the group that had assembled before one the bigger central tables. Naruto grinned at everyone and followed Sakura’s steps as she stalked over to them. Ino knocked back her drink and toasted Sakura with an empty glass. Shikamaru raised an eyebrow and went back to daydreaming over the ice-cubes in his own drink.

“Sakura-san, here.” Lee waved her over and patted the space next to him. Neji gave her a bland look and then turned a small smile on Naruto.

“Don’t smile like that Neji, you won’t guess what I was doing today.”

“We all heard about it, Naruto.” Kiba drawled. “Shizune had the elder--- pardon, senior Jounin laughing themselves blue.”

“The Great Uzumaki Naruto versus Watercress Harvesting,” Ino intoned, giving her empty glass a morose look. “I wish I’d had a camera.”

“You do have a camera,” Chouji jibed cheerfully. Ino grumbled something unintelligible and kicked him under the table.

A little to the left Naruto could see Kakashi dozing – or pretending to do so – while Gai-sensei chattered on about something, and farther back, Konohamaru and his team were giving Shikamaru a dark glare. Naruto suppressed a grin. “It looks like Team Shikamaru is ‘displeased’ with their teacher.”

Shikamaru made a rude noise at the back of his throat and went back to staring into his glass. Chouji have his friend a patient smile and took some of the courtesy peanuts and tossed them into his mouth. “They don’t appreciate the finer points of procrastinati--- sorry, Shika, I meant ‘patient reflection on the problem at hand’. Yes, that.”

“How troublesome.”

Naruto laughed, feeling something in his chest give and a little warmth crept back into his limbs. Lee and Sakura were arguing about something, with Lee nodding and Sakura growling at him for agreeing with her; Ino and Chouji were very much the unofficial couple of the moment, Neji was smiling at something Hinata was saying to Kiba and… “You guys are the best,” Naruto found himself blurting out before he could hold it back. His friends fell silent for a few moments before bursting into gales of laughter, making him blush and growl irritably. He was blessed with his friends, Naruto knew, so he grabbed the glass the waiter brought him and downed it in one big gulp, toasting their health. Normally this feat would be accompanied by whoops of encouragement from several tables, but the silence that had befallen the pub made Naruto’s skin itch. He lowered the glass and looked around woodenly.

Kakashi’s undecipherable gaze was fixed on the entrance behind Naruto and the waiter who’d brought his drink over had not moved from his side, staring also in the same direction. Naruto watched his friends, seeing the way Sakura carefully avoided frowning but Neji – who was also facing the entrance – tightened his grip on his glass until his knuckles turned white. The entirety of Aoi’s customers held their breath sombrely as footsteps sounded off the wooden floor and Naruto felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end. Kakashi’s gaze – if not the murderous silence of all assembled ninja – were indication enough of who it was that had just stopped less than three feet away from him.

Naruto turned his head slowly with a tense little smile that made his cheeks ache.

Not Saki.

It was Sasuke. Sasuke, dressed in normal black clothes, with his hair pulled back into a ponytail that made him look eerily similar to Itachi, a resemblance that would win him no favours. Naruto wondered if Sasuke knew what he looked like with his hair like that, or if he’d just done it because it was comfortable. Sasuke’s unsmiling face and the line of his back spoke of tension and discomfort, which were justifiable, considering the way every other ninja was looking at him. Up to then Sasuke had avoided all ninja hangouts like the plague.

Why was he here now, like this?

For…me? Naruto’s mind spun off its axis, clouded by the shadows in Sasuke’s dark stare.

“Sasuke-kun… this is certainly a surprise. Now we can really say the Rookie Nine are in the house,” Sakura leapt to the rescue, offering Sasuke a spot beside her, directly in front of Naruto. “Do sit down,” she invited, with an edge in her tone.

Sasuke’s eyes narrowed for a moment and he sat down slowly. The room rippled as if charged on static, seats were readjusted and kunai-pouches were placed in handier positions. Sasuke ignored all, though Naruto could see beating of that muscle under his jaw.

It was the first time Sasuke came anywhere close to their group, and it was the first time in a long while that he walked around a frequented spot as himself. Naruto tried to remember each and every little detail of their conversation in the canal, trying to puzzle out Sasuke’s motivation for such a bold move. Sasuke gave him a long, meaningful look whose actual meaning Naruto couldn’t quite decipher. Conversation started up in fits and stutters around them, Sasuke looked around suspiciously, testing the grounds in the light of his presence.

The mood was ruined, of course.

A few drinks in, Neji excused himself with one of the lamest explanations Naruto had ever heard him give – as if he’d wanted Sasuke to know he was unwelcome, which was probable – and a number of other jounin and chuunin from other tables left shortly after. Konohamaru and the younger teams could be heard whispering none too delicately of rumours regarding missing-nin and the village of Sound.

The entire situation was a disaster and Naruto could see the way Sasuke’s eyes got heavier and heavier as insult was added to injury and the waitress not-so-accidentally knocked a drink over his shirt. Of course she was safe, she knew as much; no one would let her come to harm in a pub full of ninjas, but the boldness of her attitude rankled Naruto’s nerves. Sakura tried her best to lighten the mood yet Naruto knew he wasn’t being helpful himself, doing his best to avoid Sasuke’s searching eyes, too tired to engage in another round of verbal abuse.

In the end, Sasuke got up not long after his drink was spilled and left as quietly as he came, leaving an uncomfortable buzz in his wake. Naruto closed his eyes and steeled himself to keep smiling, but none of his friends were willing to allow for such a blatant evasion. Sakura’s green eyes were steady as they studied him carefully, measuring his gaze in the seconds after Sasuke left.

“I guess the watercress were troublesome,” Shikamaru murmured, giving Naruto a mindful look.

Naruto looked away and smiled, laughing tightly to avoid answering.


* * *


Naruto reached his apartment and flopped down on the bed with a miserable sigh. It took him a few moments to realise someone was in there with him. Someone who’d left clues for him to realise he – or she, or it – was not trying to pass unnoticed. Naruto swallowed convulsively, having a good idea of who it was.

Sasuke…?.

But it was she: Saki.

She sat demurely with both hands on her lap, fingers laced together over the stiff brocade of her taffeta skirt. Beneath the purple flowers and dark leaves Naruto could see the creamy edge of her frilled petticoat peeking out. Black candycane stockings hugged her – his? – legs right down to the edge of the high platform boots that completed her look. Her legs were crossed prettily so that the glossy leather of her boots squeaked when she moved. She crossed her legs nervously, though she kept her back ramrod straight while leaning away from the backrest of the couch.

Naruto’s mind did crazy little backflips, hopelessly trying to keep up with the mental twists Sasuke was pulling on him. “Sa—“ he saw the brief warning in those dark eyes, the flash of something that could almost be called fear. “ … Saki-chan,” he greeted her, avoiding disaster at Sasuke’s unspoken behest. “How long have you been here?”

She looked out the window, casting her profile into moon and shadow. The pale light shone off the gloss on her lips and the rigid stitches of her dark skirt and blouse. “Not long,” she murmured and Naruto wasn’t quite certain it was Saki after all, there was something in her voice…

But Saki was never ‘just’ Saki, was she, bastard?

“Oh, I’m… I’m sorry pet, you must have been bored.” Naruto wondered, briefly, why he even kept up the charade, save that he knew that Sasuke wanted him to do so. This – here, now – was the truth about Saki, what made Sasuke turn himself inside out: a part of Sasuke wanted, needed to be loved and coddled, even if he had to be someone else in order to accept it. And he wanted all of these things from Naruto no less.

( I wanted him to kill all the things in me that were weak )

(Whether you lived or not is unimportant because I truly was trying to kill you )

The scar just shy of his breastbone ached as he lifted an arm to stroke the long dark hair that Sasuke had – somehow, against logic and gravity – smoothed out into a heavy fall. The blouse was low cut at the back and Naruto touched the revealed expanse of skin with the tips of his fingers. Saki shivered and leaned into his hand like a cat would. “Oh… love, you---“ but he didn’t know what he’d been about to say so he shut up as Saki had gone cold under his fingers.

I forced this onto you that one time… I put you in a position where you couldn’t refuse what I was doing – though you sort of could have – and you didn’t because you wanted it. You wanted it, again and again, didn’t you? All the things that Itachi’s avenger couldn’t be… you wanted all those things for yourself.

(I truly was trying to kill you )

Naruto knew what it was like to crave, to long for a gentle touch, a smile. What he didn’t know was how one could come to reject the possibility of it. Well, he had been keeping everyone but Sakura at arm’s length for years now, so he could guess, but what Sasuke had done, the enormity of the way in which he had hurt himself, that was something Naruto couldn’t truly grasp, not when there had been other ways… but going to Orochimaru when there was already so much to regret… Naruto wondered if perhaps Sasuke hadn’t been feeling exactly the same, beneath all those layers of cold bastard and self-righteous prick. His only problem was that Sasuke, as Uchiha Sasuke, last of his clan and mighty avenger, could not want any of those things or even deign to accept them unless he could tell himself it wasn’t really happening to him.

Or so it had been, up until Orochimaru, when apparently Sasuke had decided that he really would do anything for power, even if that meant giving up everything that he was.

You were willing to give up your mind, your very self… It was too huge to grasp.

Saki licked her lips, smearing the lip gloss a little. “Let’s go out for a drink, Naruto…-kun.”

Naruto gave him – gave her - a long look. Was this an apology for the ruined get-together at Aoi’s or….? “Isn’t it a bit late, pet?”

“The pubs won’t close for a while yet.” Her eyes were wondrously diffident beneath those long lashes. Naruto blinked, shaken. He remembered this Saki: this was the cool little creature he’d crushed on as a boy after that one ridiculous mission. Not Orochimaru’s grownup Saki, but… Naruto’s Saki, the uncertain, graceful little whelp that wanted to be touched at all cost and wouldn’t bat an eyelash over it. The Saki that would arch under him when no one was looking, surprised by her own pleasure; the Saki whose kinks Naruto could never match and whose weaknesses seemed so strange when one saw who it was, under the powders and perfumed oils.

“O…okay, babe. Let’s go out for a drink.”

Her fingers tickled his hand because of the dark gloves she wore. Naruto shivered and squeezed the digits, wondering where it was exactly that this would lead.

What are you playing at… Sasuke?


* * *


“Nice place… hadn’t been here before,” Naruto commented vaguely. It was a small, secluded little bar in the civilian side of town. Saki shrugged coolly and lead him to one of the tables at the back. Naruto let himself be guided and spoke up only when the waiter came to jot down their order. Saki let him choose their drinks, eyes fixed on him through the curtain of her lashes. Her long hair fell just shy of her collarbone, dark as the rest of her, save for the preternaturally pale skin.

She seemed to deliberate for a few moments before speaking up. “I’m glad you like this.”

“I do. It’s very…er… private.”

“Yes.”

“Almost kinkily so,” Naruto smirked, trying to dispel the intensity of her eyes. It was making him restless in more that one way.

“Yes.”

Naruto swallowed thickly, feeling the beginnings of uncertainty mix with a curl of heat in his lower belly. “Oh?” He would be lying if he didn’t admit – at least to himself – that he’d been lusting after this person for ages, to a point it was almost painful.

Saki cocked her head to one side, perfectly composed. “Isn’t this what you wanted?”

Naruto knew – he knew, damnit! – that there was more to that question than the locality of their date but he couldn’t, for the life of him, put his finger on it. Not when Saki had somehow managed to slip a foot out of her boots and was stroking his thigh under the table with her toes. And then her toes moved forwards and up…

“I… it’s…. y-yeah…I… oh, Saki!” he hissed, surprised by her boldness even if her face revealed nothing.

Her smile was odd, difficult to piece together. “Good. Then this will work for us, I take it?”

Toes curled at an angle Naruto wouldn’t have thought possible and he felt his throat go dry. “Wha---?”

“Is this,” she paused and Naruto clenched his teeth at the feel of what was going on between his legs. “… what you want?”

Naruto closed his eyes and breathed in slowly, smoothing the small shivers that wanted to skitter up his spine as--- gods, it was only a foot! When he looked again, Saki’s eyes were wide and cold and dark, piercing him with their distant regard. There was something lurking in that gaze that tugged at his chest.

Sasuke… what….?

The tension in his groin was teased exquisitely. “Is it?”

Naruto shuddered, feeling the muscles in his legs ache. “Yes…” He wanted to bury his face in that pale neck and bite down as one would a peach. He wanted to dig his fingers into Sasuke’s back and make him cry out and then roll him over the floor some more, for good measure. For being an idiot. He wanted…wanted… to make Sasuke feel Naruto’s presence and stay beside it.

Saki’s eyelashes drooped, covering the knives in her gaze. “… then… it will be so.” Something in her voice made Naruto look up sharply, struck again by the strange undertones in her questions; but what Naruto could grasp on instinct he could never piece together out of dialogue, it was a lost cause. Even as he began to get an inkling of what might lie beneath today’s Saki she was sliding down and he had to shoot both his legs out to keep her in place by blocking her downwards slide. She blinked, clearly confused, but Naruto didn’t want her to do anything to him, not really.

Naruto wanted to be the one who did everything, as if by sheer will he could embrace the sorrow and the darkness of those eyes and make it less. He wanted to be able to touch and caress and force the tenderness onto her as he’d done years before – onto him - and make of his warmth a kind of violence because it was all Sasuke could take, even now, even like this… and Naruto hated the dissolute compliance Saki had gained in Sound.

Naruto wanted the old Saki. The one who was Sasuke deep down, and not this thing that seemed to be hiding them both, breaking them all to pieces.

“Stay like that love.”

“Pardon…?”

“You just stay there looking pretty and hot like you do. Like you didn’t have a care in the world, babe.”

Saki leaned back with a measuring stare but Naruto didn’t want to give her the time to think it over. If Sasuke wanted to be Saki and make it up to him for ruining the mood at Aoi’s, then he might as well let Naruto do what he wholeheartedly wanted to do. If Sasuke wanted to be Saki, then he might as well be Saki and enjoy it.

Naruto checked that no one was looking their way and he expertly slid under the table, hidden by the long tablecloth. He saw Saki’s leg’s tense, watched the foot that had been touching him earlier try to slip back into the unlaced boot--- and how exactly did he manage to unlace it in the first place? Naruto grabbed the foot, mind reeled over the strength of the muscles he could feel under the candycane stockings. He let his fingers slide over her calf and stroke the back of her knee… the back of his knee. No matter the boots and the skirts and the petticoat, the body he was touching was no girl’s. Saki was…. Sasuke, even when she behaved most outrageously.

The booted foot scraped back over the floor and a heel dug into the foot of her chair when Naruto touched her knee and let his fingers slip upwards. The skirt was stiffly embroidered taffeta, but the petticoat was wispy silk, a frothy mass that slid aside as Naruto’s fingers found the erection that hid under soft silk panties. Kinky, in a way; sad, in another. Saki had always seemed fascinating to the younger Naruto, the concept of it, but even back then he remembered feeling that there was something pathetic in the way Sasuke could not accept his own desires.

So obsessed with being strong it made you weak, asshole.

“Hush, babe,” he whispered, leaning in to kiss a stockined thigh. The heel of the boot made a rough little noise as it scraped over the floor again and Naruto grasped that ankle and kept it still, leather squeaking under his hand. The foamy material of the petticoat tickled his face and he had to burrow under the stiff skirt to kiss further up. Saki’s thighs were like steel under his hands and Naruto smiled, undaunted by the masculinity or its flimsy encasing. He slipped his fingers under the skirt and around Saki’s hip and pulled the stockings down. She had to shift minutely for him to get them off her rump… and then Naruto slid them past her knees, trapping her legs in that position. He lifted the skirt again with a hand and pushed his head in as far as it took, until he was mouthing a throbbing hard-on over the silk panties and Saki’s legs jerked where he gripped the booted ankle.

He moved his lips over the silk until it was wet and Saki’s fingers were stroking his hair shakily. Naruto didn’t have to look to know her face maintained a look of indifference, successfully pretending that nothing at all was going on under the table. That mental image, in itself, made his own excitement increase, not that he wasn’t already half-panting from the situation and Saki’s trembling fingers. Naruto lipped the curves he could feel under the silk until he found the softer head of Sasuke’s penis and sucked on it through the panties, pulling on the flesh and the fabric to get them both into his mouth if he could. Saki’s bootless ankle dug into his back - having pulled out of the stockings – and pressed there, encouraging. Naruto sucked harder, moving his tongue caressingly until he tasted salt and a bitter tang on the cloth.

You bastard, why do I love you? You’re a horrible creature.

He pushed the wet panties aside, straining the elastic and holding them there in order to be to be able to pull Sasuke’s erection out without taking the panties off. The fingers in his hair pushed him forwards, kneading his scalp erratically. Naruto parted his lips and licked the tip slowly, tasting. Still Saki.

Still Sasuke.

He softly drew it into his mouth, knowing he could pace himself because Saki couldn’t thrust back, not without giving them away. That, added to the shaking legs he could feel by his shoulders, was enough to turn his own burn into a steady pounding. He took as much of Sasuke as he could and then pulled back, still sucking, until he was back where he started. It took him a while to find his own rhythm and determine, from the way those fingers petted his hair, what was good and what was better, but he got it eventually. He sucked as best he could, putting as much emphasis on the underside of the head as was possible, drawing his tongue over it whenever the pace allowed for it. Sasuke’s legs were digging into his sides and it was almost – almost – ticklish, but his fingers were pulling on Naruto’s hair hard enough to be painful, and the taffeta skirt was rubbing against his neck and would leave a rash for sure. When a shaky foot rubbed against Naruto’s groin he jerked forward and almost choked himself on Sasuke’s flesh. Almost.

That, and a few more strokes, and Sasuke’s legs stiffened, toes curling adorably. Naruto could feel the toes in particular and it made him smile around his mouthful. He kept a firm hold on both ankles as Sasuke’s entire body tensed, from both pleasure and the stress of keeping the reaction invisible. Naruto could have sworn he heard the faintest little gasp from above the table and a final shudder crept over the pale thighs that were just shy of his face.

Sasuke’s fingers stroked Naruto’s head as a lover might, long pleased caresses that ended by drawing gentle fingers over his ears; it made his nerves buzz.

He kissed a warm thigh and carefully rearranged the panties over the softening member. Sasuke shivered at that. Naruto kissed his knee and pulled the panties back up and – carefully – helped him slide his foot back into the boot and made sure both were laced right up to the knees. By then he no longer felt as if he’d die unless he put a hand down his own pants, so he stealthily slid back up to his seat.

Saki opened her eyes and parted her lips and Naruto swore he saw Sasuke at the back of that gaze, oddly warm and painfully alarmed. What would Sasuke make of this?

Naruto reached across the table and touched her fingers. He drew back when the waiter finally brought their drinks over. With a relieved sigh that made her flush, Naruto took a few long gulps of his beer and licked his lips. Saki’s eyes were glued to his mouth, making Naruto smile. “Okay pet?”

“…yes…”

“Was it nice?” He goaded, loving her automatic blush.

“Yes.”

“Good.”

Later that night, though she made the motions of following him back to his apartment after the drinks, Naruto felt an edge of magnanimous sensual generosity. “No love,” he told her, kissing the underside of her jaw where that muscle of Sasuke’s acted up when he was angry. “I’m fine and I have to sleep now, see? Tonight was all about you.”

Black eyes regarded him with deeply troubled shadows at the edges. Naruto kissed them away and sighed throatily into her hair. “Maybe another day. Besides, tomorrow we have to… I mean, I have to train.” With Sasuke, hopefully, now that they’d smoothed things out a little. She nodded and looked away.

But Sasuke did not appear the next morning for training, or the next.

Sasuke stopped appearing altogether after that night.

However, one cannot put a quart in a pint cup.
-- Charlotte Perkins Gilman


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