If Couches Could Talk

Part II


Iruka sighed and let his head drop against the cool tile as he shut his eyes. That had been horrific. He didn’t know if he could ever look Naruto in the face again. He supposed though, that it had really served him right. No matter how good-looking his former student and dear friend had become, there was really no excuse for his actions.

And despite what Kakashi-sensei always said, ‘I was horny’ was not a proper excuse in Iruka’s book thank-you-very-much.

The brunet combed his fingers in his hair to soak it through before beginning to lather it up. Maybe it had just been a strong batch of drinks tonight. Maybe he was just a bit tipsier than he thought. Maybe he was tired of meaningless sex to sate his body and was starting to crave something less basic.

Whoa, there was a thought from the left field. Iruka shook his head. Stupid ramen-flavored, mouth-raping, stupid kisses making him think stupid things.

“Stupid,” Iruka muttered as he massaged his scalp before reaching for his conditioner.

“Who’s stupid?” Naruto asked coolly, leaning against the wall within reach.

“AHH!” Iruka cried out and spun around, slipping while squeezing the bottle of conditioner.

The school teacher fell to the floor of the shower and Naruto was blasted in the eyes with gooey white solution.

“AHH!” Naruto echoed, wiping furiously at his eyes as they began to tear.

Why?! Damn it! He was trying to be cool here! Note to self: Iruka is a ninja; sneaking up on a ninja in deep thought is never a good idea.

He jumped into the spray and leaned in, tilting his face up so that the water washed away all the poison in his eyes.

“What the hell are you doing?!” Iruka snapped, rubbing the back of his head where he’d smacked it against the wall when landing.

“Why are you washing your hair with acid?!” Naruto yelled back, running his hands over his face. “I’m going to be blind now sensei and it’s your fault!”

Iruka gaped. “My fault?! How is it my fault?! You can’t come bursting into someone’s bathroom like that! I…I’m naked!”

He made a move to cover himself.

Naruto would have rolled his eyes had they not been swelling in their sockets. He scrubbed his face harder, trying to keep his eyes open for the water to get in. “Fine! You’re naked and I’m blind! Who throws shampoo at someone anyway?!”

Iruka huffed and glared up. “I didn’t know who you were! I thought I was being attacked!”

“So you screamed like a girl and threw shampoo?!”

“It worked!” Iruka yelled back, blushing heavily. “And you screamed too!”

“Because you were throwing acid in my eyes!” Naruto shouted. “And it was a manly scream!”

“It’s not acid!” Iruka barked. “It’s con-di-tion-er, conditioner! And you aren’t blind!”

Naruto cupped his hands to fill them with water and rinsed his eyes as best he could; stepping back after a moment and blinking with a wince. Iruka was staring up at him from his position on the tiled floor, gaze wide in worry even as he tried to hide it. He was also indeed very naked. Mmm. Naked.

“Well?!” the shorter nin asked. “You’re fine aren’t you?”

Naruto wiped stray tears away and nodded, glancing down at himself and his completely soaked clothes. “Yeah sensei,” he sighed.

Had Iruka rolled his eyes any harder, Naruto was sure they would have popped out of his head and bounced away.

The blonde huffed; like it was his fault that the older nin was a complete klutz.

“Hn, I suppose you need to change ne?” the school teacher frowned sternly as he shut off the water. “Go grab something from my dresser. They won’t fit of course, you grew too much, but at least you won’t be walking around my apart—eyes up here!”

Naruto scratched the back of his head and offered the ‘I don’t really feel guilty, I just don’t want to get hit’ look. “Heh, sorry sensei, but I did say you had nice legs didn’t I?”

Iruka balled up his fists and drew his (rather toned and long) legs to his chest, glaring hard as a vein ticked over his temple. “Naruto…” he warned.

“Can’t we just have sex?” Naruto burst out, not above begging at the moment.

“No!” Iruka cried indignantly, his face flushing dark.

“Why not?!”

“I—I’m too old for you!”

“Five minutes ago you weren’t!”

“I used to be your teacher!”

“Heh, kinda only adds to the fantasy sensei.”

Iruka closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths to calm his pulsing anger.

“So…can we have sex now?” Naruto asked, unzipping his wet jacket and tossing it onto the bathroom floor.

The school teacher didn’t respond.

“…I’ll make you feel pretty tonight,” Naruto tried making his voice go a bit deeper. Maybe some of the perverted sage’s favorite lines would work.

Iruka twitched.

“You look like my first wife, sensei.”

“…you’ve never even been married!” Iruka snapped in confusion.

“I know.”

The brunet worked that out and rubbed his hands over his face with a groan. This was ridiculous, why did he ever try flirting with Naruto?! What the hell could he have been thinking?!

“I bet my tongue can beat up your tongue.”

…okay, that one was kinda funny and cute. Damn it! He couldn’t think like this! The answer was no! If he ignored Naruto long enough, maybe he’d go away.

“You’re fine enough to give my last name too.”

…oh the jerk. Iruka drummed his fingers over his forehead. Naruto was an idiot. Who in their right mind would fall for something so pompous? Tch. That had to be the dumbest and most obnoxious thing he’d ever heard. In any other situation he would have punched Naruto on the head.

He waited for the next line.

“I think I’m straight. Wanna prove me wrong?”

Iruka snorted and swallowed the rest of his laughter. Alright, that one was sort of funny too wasn’t it? Just…sort of—damn it!

“What has 142 teeth and holds back the Incredible Hulk?”

“…” the chuunin furrowed his brows together as he thought about it. “What?”

“My zipper.”

Iruka tried stifling his laughter and his shoulders shook with the effort. That was so lame that it was charming. Damn it! No! He must resist! He couldn’t sleep with Naruto! That would be weird now, the moment had passed, why didn’t the blond get it?

“I’d walk a hundred miles to see you smile…”

The smaller man rolled his eyes.

“And a thousand if you do that thing with your tongue,” Naruto finished.

Iruka laughed loudly and snorted again. He quickly covered his mouth and looked up at his former student who was beaming wildly at him.

“Ha! I win sensei!” Naruto said, pumping his fist. “Now you have to have sex with me!”

Iruka rolled his eyes again. “I didn’t agree to that! And you never said anything about rules you know.”

The blond pouted. “C’mon sensei, sex with me is like ramen. Even if it’s bad it’s still pretty good.”

Only Naruto could pull off saying something like that and be so completely serious about it.

Alright, down sides of sleeping with Naruto: it was morally wrong and he’d feel dirty afterward, their relationship would probably never be the same again, Naruto might tell…scratch that—Naruto would tell and would embarrass Iruka to no end, he didn’t think Naruto knew what a one night stand was, and he didn’t want to end up hurting Naruto.

Very good reasons.

…up sides of sleeping with Naruto: there was no way the sex between them would be bad, he was horny (damn it! Not a reason!), Naruto was incredibly good looking and willing to please, with the boy’s stamina Iruka probably wouldn’t have to go out to find another man to sate him for the week, it might bring them closer together, maybe it would turn into something more, fuck buddies were always nice to have, Naruto wouldn’t roll over and fall asleep afterwards, Naruto wouldn’t instead just get dressed and leave Iruka alone, Naruto seemed like he liked to cuddle and that would be nice, really maybe Naruto wanted this and it wasn’t just his hormones talking and maybe they could be more than fuck buddies.

Hm. Well those lists didn’t count anyway.

“Yo! Sensei!” Naruto called.

Iruka blinked and looked up. “Ah…Naruto…”

The blond winced and then smiled brightly, scratching the back of his head. “It’s okay sensei, you don’t have to you know! I was only kidding!”

Iruka flinched and rubbed his hands over his face, hesitating. “Well…I was going to say that I was out of condoms.”

All thought processing stopped in Naruto and he was left gaping at his former sensei with a very dull look that he usually only wore when he was being lectured. “Eh?!”

“And lubrication,” Iruka admitted. “When I came into the bathroom I checked…er…just in case. And I was out.”

“Oh,” Naruto said intelligently. “That’s…uh…oh.”

The brunet rolled his eyes. “So…we can’t. I mean…if we had lubrication, then I wouldn’t mind…uh…well I mean I’m…and I doubt that you…er…”

“N-no, I’m uh…I’m cl--…er…right, yeah, that,” Naruto said, blushing brilliantly.

His embarrassment was absolutely nothing compared to Iruka’s, who swore that his face would be forever red. “So….even if I wanted to…I mean…well we can’t.”

“Right,” Naruto choked out.

Iruka nodded and cleared his throat. “Right.”

A silence settled heavily between them and neither shinobi could stand to look at each other for very long. Awkward ambled in and soon impregnated silence and really the imagery will stop right there because this is supposed to be a ‘Mature Audience’ rated work of fiction about Naruto and Iruka, not about Silence and Awkward.

But if you must know, Naruto interrupted Awkward and Silence and Silence decided to leave and not keep the baby—which would have been some sort of humiliating cross between the noun and adjective and surely would have plagued all mankind.

“I…” Naruto shifted. “I could…you know.”

Iruka stared at his toes. “Er…huh?”

Naruto blushed again thickly. “I could go…buy…stuff.”

The brunet glanced up in surprise. “Wha—oh! Stuff! Right. Well…yes I-…you could.”

They stared at one another.

“So…” Naruto said. “Should I…stuff?”

“You mean…right now?” Iruka blushed deeply. “Er…I mean…”

The school teacher thought very carefully and quickly. Down sides…up sides…oh dear God…

“Er…yes?”

Ahh! He hadn’t meant to say that! He couldn’t turn back now! What was he going to do?!

Naruto blinked and swallowed thickly. “Y-yes? As in…yes?”

Iruka snapped a glare toward the jounin. “What else do you think I mean?”

“I don’t know! First you said no sex and now you’re saying yes sex and…I’m really confused!” Naruto cried defensively.

The brunet made a noise like a cat that had its tail stepped on and Naruto blinked.

“And now I’m saying yes!” Iruka hissed out before pausing. “Why? Don’t…don’t you want to anymore?”

Naruto swallowed thickly. “Er…yeah! Yeah of course I do!”

“Okay then!”

“Okay!”

“Fine!”

“Fine!”

They stared at each other.

“So…” the blond said slowly. “…I’ll be back?”

Iruka blushed even further. “Er…right…okay.”

Naruto took one step out of the stall cautiously. Then another. Then one more.

The brunet stared at him. “What?!”

“You’re still going to be here when I get back, right?” Naruto blurted.

“Of course I am!” Iruka said in surprise. “Where else am I going to go?”

Naruto shrugged. “I just…er…never mind sensei! I’ll be back then…”

“Right,” Iruka said, his mouth going dry.

Neither man moved.

“What?!” Iruka said again, this time sharper as his temper flared.

The blond worked his mouth and then glanced down at his feet and Iruka was suddenly struck with the image of how young Naruto looked. Not in some weird flashback to a school day or some nonsense, but…well… Naruto hadn’t changed. Not in all the years he spent away training, not in all the years he spent trying to recapture his rogue teammate, not in… Well the point was: he hadn’t changed.

Iruka wondered why Naruto would ask if he’d still be here when he came back and…he knew now and the answer was sort of sad. Somewhere deep inside the loud nin, was a place no one could touch, a place where some big deep scar ran him through that he’d hidden very well. It was almost a bit of a relief actually, knowing that no matter how old the blond got—there would always be that nagging fear of being left alone.

Iruka knew he probably shouldn’t be glad of that, but the truth of it was…he had the same scar, that same deep fear that one day he’d just be forgotten or left behind or…a number of other stupid things that would really never happen but he couldn’t help but worry over.

He smiled and wasn’t condescending. “I’ll be waiting.”

And Naruto looked up and gave a small nervous grin. Iruka didn’t lie. He wasn’t reassuring his former student; he was just stating a fact. Iruka would always wait for Naruto in some form or another.

And that was just a weird road to travel down right now, so Naruto stopped thinking about it.

“Okay then,” the blond said, swallowing roughly to help wet his dry mouth.

“Yeah,” Iruka nodded and then cleared his throat.

Awkward took pity on them and prompted Naruto to glance over and reach for the towel lying on top of the sink and hand it over to Iruka before dipping down to snatch up his no longer forgotten jacket.

Iruka took the offer and stood up slowly, wrapping the towel around his waist and generally looking about as comfortable as Tsunade-sama’s breasts in a bra three sizes too small.

“So…”

“Yeah…”

They walked each other out of the bathroom and to the front door. The smaller nin didn’t even complain about the puddles from Naruto’s wet clothes that followed after them.

Naruto chanced a peek at Iruka and the older man visibly shuddered as his gaze slid over whiskey colored skin. There was water still dripping down the soft curves of muscle and dips and… The blonds’ eyes worked lower, imagining how it would feel if he just touched a little…maybe a brush of his fingers…

He didn’t think his cock would be able to take the torture though and he refrained from contact. His mouth went dry when he watched Iruka’s nipples harden into little buds that desperately looked like they wanted to be sucked and flicked and pinched—

“Alright!” Naruto nearly shouted, startling both himself and the chuunin. He swallowed thickly and stared at the unattractive wall. “Uh, so I’ll be back soon!”

“O-Okay,” Iruka squeaked. It wasn’t really a squeak though. It was like that, only more manly. There just wasn’t a word for it yet, Iruka assured himself. Guys didn’t squeak.

Naruto felt his face heat up. He shouldn’t touch! But Iruka was just…and there was only minimal clothing… And he was pretty sure he could maneuver both of them to the bed before the brunet had a chance to argue. Yeah. That was an awesome plan.

Moments before he was to put it into action, Iruka held up his hand, reading Naruto’s intentions clear as day.

“I really want to,” he said, his breathing coming on a little faster. “But… Naruto focus!!! Eyes up here!”

He reached out and made the mistake of grabbing the taller man’s shoulders to shake some sense back into him. The second they touched, he knew he’d done wrong, but that was before Naruto’s mouth was on his—sucking and pulling and biting and, good god, but who in the HELL had taught him to do that mouth-raping thing?! Iruka had to meet them and thank them, and then kill them for the good of other people’s modesty.

The jounin’s hands were stroking up his back, kneading his shoulders and traveling back down while Iruka was just struggling to remember that he actually had to pull his lips away from Naruto’s in order to breathe properly.

It was understandably hard to focus though and it took him a few good moments to work his tongue and show the blond that he wasn’t the only one with experience. Naruto groaned deeply at a little swirling motion Iruka had learned from the third Hokage and the smaller man vowed then and there that he’d never let Naruto find out where he’d picked up that move.

It was a long story anyway.

Iruka pried his mouth away and was given the chance to gasp when he noticed that, hey, there was his bed, and whoa, when had Naruto gotten on top of him? And when had he actually gotten them in the bed? The jounin’s clothes were still wet from his impromptu shower and they caused a surprisingly pleasurable sensation as they were dragged over Iruka’s skin.

Naruto had one hand buried in the chuunin’s hair, using his grip to tug the school teacher’s lips back to his when they strayed. Really, who needed air?

His other hand was swooping down, following the arching column of Iruka’s spine all the way to his surprisingly plump and firm ass where it then proceeded to grope the left cheek.

“If there’s anything more better than your left ass cheek, it’s your right one,” Naruto breathed hotly, wetly slipping his tongue along his former sensei’s lips.

It was the most arousing thing Iruka had ever heard. Despite the grammatical errors.

Naruto’s world had narrowed and centered on a few things, none of them having anything to do with coherent speech, so he was excused. The chuunin was shivering, honestly shivering in that way he’d only read about in cheesy romance novels. He couldn’t stop touching, couldn’t stop his hand from sliding up the damned towel and groping firmly, and he definitely couldn’t drag his lips away from all that delicious skin.

Plus Iruka was making the best noises. He pulled back just for a second, sweeping his gaze over the smaller nin’s expression, seeing his once prim and proper and strict former sensei puddle all at once into a writhing, moaning little sex…something…

Hey. Look at that. Nipples. He should go investigate.

Naruto’s mouth was instantly on the left little bud, blowing on it until it tightened and peaked before circling it with his tongue and flicking at it.

Iruka nearly bucked him off.

The blond blinked in surprise, watching as Iruka gasped sharply and stopped his twisting to hide his face in embarrassment.

Okay. Iruka was sensitive around the nipple area. He’d have to remember that when his brain was working on more complicated urges. Well, more complicated than: fuck.

Naruto glanced up and saw that Iruka was still covering his face in embarrassment. He smirked roguishly and settled his hard form over the chuunin to keep him from thrashing before dipping his head down again. He lapped his tongue around the responsive bud and then let his lips follow to suckle strongly.

Iruka gasped and dove his fingers into the blonds’ hair, pressing him closer and directing him to his most sensitive places. It was counterproductive of course because damn it, they really needed some type of lubrication—

“Vegetable oil…” Naruto mumbled. “Butter, margarine, grape jelly.”

“Wha—what?”

The school teacher used his grip on the blond to tug him away sharply. They panted in each other’s faces, eyes catching and then Iruka understood.

“You are not ruining my brand new bed set by using vegetable oil as lube!” he snapped.

Naruto had the sense to look properly chastised as he started thrusting against his former sensei’s thigh. “Ungh…then wha—”

“Mmm,” Iruka moaned, his lashes fluttering low. “N--…oh right there… Wait, no! Stop and—oh fu—g-go buy lube!”

The jounin stopped listening to the protests and dropped back down, slanting his mouth heavily over Iruka’s in hopes of shutting the man up. It worked.

For all of fourteen seconds.

“Stop that!” Iruka moaned. Naruto didn’t think he meant it.

Damn, the smaller nin lamented. But it wasn’t his fault see, there were hands and teeth and ohhh, there was tongue and they were all working his poor body into a frenzy. Naruto clutched his ass hard, slipping his fingers down…

“Ugh! Naru—Naruto! We n-need lu-ube, you have to…”

The blond hummed his agreement and angled his hips so that his trapped cock was rubbing and bumping against Iruka’s. Both shinobi groaned loudly and the towel that had been desperately trying to cover Iruka’s modesty slipped and his weeping arousal pulsed as it was exposed to more direct contact.

“Lube, lube, lube,” Iruka chanted, his thrusting becoming faster. No! He had to focus! He wanted Naruto, all of him, a rough dry-humping session might be enough for the teen, but it would only serve to make him more frustrated.

“Naruto! Get off—”

“I’m trying,” Naruto mumbled against his neck.

“—me and go get lube o-or else!”

The jounin licked over Iruka’s collarbone. “Or else what?”

Iruka did the only thing he could think of.

One second, Naruto was hot and heavy and pawing at him, the next second and the boy was on the floor, curled up in a ball and groaning in what certainly wasn’t arousal. Iruka licked his lips and stared at his ceiling for a moment, calming his body down before he swept a blanket up to cover his lap. He had the grace to look guiltily at his former student.

“Really?!” Naruto barked out, slipping his hands between his thighs.

Iruka pointed an accusing finger. “You weren’t listening!”

“So you kicked me in the balls?!” Naruto cried out, cupping himself and staying bent over.

Iruka honestly felt bad. “It seemed like the right thing to do!”

“That is never the right thing to do!” the blond snapped back peevishly.

“Well I told you to stop!”

“Yeah but you didn’t say ‘stop or I’ll kick in the nut sack like a girl’! I would have stopped if you’d said that!”

Iruka’s eyes narrowed. “Fine! Next time I’ll be more specific!”

Naruto took in a few deep breaths and continued rubbing his goods gently, kneading them in the palm of his hand to try and stop the aching.

“Well…are they—…are you okay?” Iruka asked after a minute or so.

Naruto groaned and flashed and annoyed look. “I think I swallowed my balls.”

The chuunin rolled his eyes.


TBC