Icha Icha Incident

Walking onto the ship the sound of wood creaking filled the air as waves lapped up against the sides of the ship. A strong breeze swept around the ship and blew up Naruto's moppy mane, a small smile tugged up the edge of his lips as his eyes slid shut until...the smell hit him.

His face contorted into a look of pure disgust as his body pshyically flenched back. "Whoa! What the hell!" He looked to the direction the wind was blowing from and saw a group of pirates. "Don't any of you know what soap is?! Jesus christ...I'm all for only bathing when you have to but this is just...NASTY!"

He pinched his fingers over the bottom of his nose and looked over to the first mate with disbelieving questioning eyes. The man just laughed and shook his head and walked away. Suddenly a voice came from over top, the captain looked straight a head, "First mate Kiba, find this boy something useful to do." Said man nodded and sighed to himself while rounding back to Naruto.

"What cha good fer, Ghost?" Kiba asked with a soft smile as his bird leaned forward then squaked. Naruto glared at the man for the use of the name ghost but instead of saying something simply shrugged his shoulder.

"I can do stuff...What do you want me to do?"

“Ye any good at cook’n? We can always use another free hand in the galley. Now git yer ass down there and start cook’n.” Kiba said with a smack on said behind.

Naruto attempting to avoid further nasal and physical abuse scurried off to the stairs leading to the bunks and kitchen. He had to admit he wasn’t the best at cooking... ok that’s a slight understatement, but he had at least learned how to make a mean pre-packaged ramen.

So long as he didn’t burn the water. Turning a corner Naruto came to a large dining room, with a bolted down wooden table and many chairs, apparently also bolted down. ‘Guess they have a lot of storm’s.’ The teen thought to himself as he heard the distinct clash of pots and pans.

Peeping into the room where the sound came from Naruto happened across a large man with spiky brown hair seemed to be rumbling around in the kitchen. ‘I wonder if he’s related to Kiba,’ he thought to himself.

“Hello!” He said, startling the man who was bent over into the oven, causing him to smash his head into the top of the stove, and fall backwards groaning, a potato falling out of his hand.

“Who are you and what do you think you’re doing here?!” The fallen man asked.

Naruto looked over his figure appraisingly. There was no doubt in the teen’s mind that this was the cook, the very large figure, the apron with the swirl’s, same as the one’s tattooed on his cheeks. “Umm. I’m the new guy, Kiba told me that I should come down and give you a hand in the kitchen.”

“Ahh, so you’re Ghost. Well let’s get to work, think you can peal these potatoes?”

Sighing at the nickname that seemed to have stuck the teen nodded and took a potato in hand, and a knife into the other. Chouji went back into the preparation area before he heard a yelp, and looked over to see the teen’s sheepishly sucking his thumb. The brunette shook his head and walked over, taking the potato from the teen and sent him to work gutting fish for the day’s dinner.

All went well for the first few minutes before the teen fled, to the nearest bucket. Apparently the day’s catch had just eaten, and when cut open... well... you can get the idea. Moving Naruto to yet another station he was put in charge of watching to make sure nothing burned. A minute later a rather X-tra crispy fish made it out of the oven.

“Are you actually this completely useless?!” Chouji asked a grimacing Naruto, “I’ve seen children cookin’ better then ye be boy!”

“I’m sorry. I’ve never been that good at cooking...” Naruto trailed off.

“And look what ye’v done to the potato’s they are far too thin, no one is going to be able to pick that up with a fork, and I can’t even fry them in a pan!” Chouji said completely exasperated with the teen.

“Do you have any salt?” Naruto asked.

“What?”

“Do you have any salt?” Naruto asked again.

Chouji gifted him with a guttural laugh, the rumbling filling the room, “We sure do, an entire ocean of it, but if ye be needing it for cookin’ then here be the place to get it.” The brunette said, grabbing a small bag from a cupboard.

“Ok... do you have any butter?”

Frowning for a moment the cook shook his head, “It doesn’t keep, we have no way of keeping it cold.”

“Hmmm... ok... how about some oil?”

Chouji nodded and plodded off towards another pantry, pulling out a large tub of some sort of oil, Naruto hoped to god it was food based. “That’ll work.”

“Just what are ye thinking boy?”

"It’s a recipe I know. I can’t do it for the life of me, but I at least know it. And this way you won’t waste the potatoes. Ok, so you cut the potatoes into small slices, very thin, which we already have. Then we dry them, place them on a piece of metal, lightly coat in oil, and bake until they are golden brown, then you put the salt on them.”

The cook looked Naruto up and down with narrowed eyes before sighing and decided why the hell not. A few minutes passed as Naruto stood off to the side of the stove while the cook did exactly as he had told him. When the tray was removed Chouji's eyes searched all over the tray, a heavenly scent filling his nostrils, his eyes flickered over to the smirking Naruto before the tray smacked down on the counter.

Sprinkling a fair amount of salt on the chips Chouji picked one up with plump fingers and slowly brought it to his mouth. He eyed Naruto one last time, Naruto cheered him on with a bright smile and nodded.

The chip snapped between the cook's teeth and slowly the man chewed, a second passed and the rest of the chip went into his mouth. Before Naruto could rejoice in the fact that the cook liked it said man brought him into a bone crushing bearhug and laughed loudly.

"Tastes like the food of the Gods themself!" Chouji merrily anounced before running back to the tray and loading them all into a bag. He grabbed Naruto by the arm and started for the door.

The round man bellowed Kiba's name as he exited the first hall. He wobbled up the stairs until he was out in the fresh slightly fish smelling air, Naruto still being yanked after him. Kiba walked over with a confused expression.

"What is it? Did the boy burn down the galley or something?" Kiba asked with a slight bit of amusement dancing around in his eyes. Chouji shook his head vigoursly and produced the bag of chips, he held it out to Kiba and nodded telling him to take one. Kiba did the same little supicious stare down the chief had done previously before taking one whole chip into his mouth. The first mates eyes shout alive with shock. "Not bad, Chouji!"

Chouji shook his head and smacked Naruto on the back sending the blond stumbling forward. "It were Ghost who made'em!"

"Oh so the boy can cook then, eh?" Kiba asked with an approving face. Chouji's face dropped to a blank expression as he popped another chip in his mouth and smacked away Kiba's asking hand.

"Don't let that boy in me galley again or I'll cut off 'is hands." With that Chouji smiled down at Naruto and walked off with his bag of chip. Kiba sagged forward.

"Troublesome." came the reply from behind them. Naruto looked over his shoulders and saw a man with his hair pulled back in a high ponytail laying along on the guard rails with his arms folded behind his head.

Kiba smiled at the man, going over to pat him on the back, “Shika, my dearest and old, best of friends. How goes it? Admiring the cloud’s again I see.”

“What do you want Kiba? I’m not nearly as stupid as the rest of the hooligans under Uchiha’s employment, and I know that tone.” He said, his eye’s glancing over to look at Naruto, who was currently still sucking his semi-bleeding thumb.

Kiba gave the man a large grin before snatching the blond from his position and shoving him before Shika, “Find something for the brat to do, that’s all, bye.” Kiba said taking off at such a pace that his bird was forced to fly after him.

“Kiba! I never agreed-“ It was too late, the brunette was gone and Naruto stood staring up at Shikamaru with his big blue eyes that it was almost impossible for the man to resist. “Troublesome. HEY LEE!” He shouted towards the mast.

A head popped out of the crow’s nest, before a form bounded down the ropes at a breakneck pace to land before the pair, Naruto’s eyes wide in both, shock, fear, amazement, and admiration.

“You called my youthful friend?” The bushy eyed man asked, his atrocious attire composed of a green head band keeping his long black hair out of his face, skin tight green pants and a long green over coat. It was exactly the same color Naruto turned when he was first on the ship. He felt his stomach lurch in recognition.

“Ghost here need’s a job.”

“So you want me to teach him the ropes of, well, the ropes?”

“Yes.” Shikamaru replied, turning and walking away.

Lee nodded and a giant smile crossed his lips, before he latched onto Naruto's arm and hoisted him over his shoulder and bounded over to the ropes at the side of the deck, throwing Naruto against them and telling him to climb, while he himself was already nearly at the top in a flash.

Naruto lay against the ropes clinging for dear life, his eyes wide as he stared at the blue expanse below him. ‘Oh lord. I’m going to die a virgin, and that bastard captain stole my first kiss. Wait...’ “THAT BASTARD STOLE MY FIRST KISS!”

Sasuke, within his cabin, recognized the blond “Ghost’s” voice, and smirked to himself. ‘Hmmm. I’m his first kiss then. I wonder how many other firsts I can get.’ The man had to cover his nose as a healthy amount of blood began to flow from the orifice.

Lee smiled at his companion’s exuberance and carefully pried the teen’s finger’s from the rope’s, helping him along to the top. Naruto felt his stomach doing a series of rolls and tumbles that most gymnasts would envy.

Once situated in the crow’s nest color began to flow back into the teen’s face, Lee jokingly remarking that he had truly looked like a Ghost mere moment’s ago, and receiving a heartfelt glare in response. Laughing heartily Lee gave a pat to the teen on the back, and gathered a set of ropes.

Lee went about teaching Naruto various forms of knot’s, only to have them either fall apart or the teen entangle himself with them.

Even Lee’s amazing patience was beginning to wear thin when Naruto had failed to do a simple bowline. He couldn’t do the eye splice, nor the reef square knot, not even a cleat hitch. No the teen was simply useless when it came to rope’s. Sighing Lee came to the conclusion that he wouldn’t be able to help Naruto, no matter how hard the blond attempted to do right.

“I’m sorry Mate, your youthful demeanour gives me hope, but perhaps you should try something else.” Lee said, his bright eyes twinkling although he was clearly sorry for Naruto.

Nodding Naruto slowly began to make his way down the rope’s, until his hand was hooked under one, realizing that he was slightly trapped, he moved his foot under another rope to try and push himself free, getting frustrated the teen’ began to shimmy back and forth between different rope’s only becoming more and more helpless entangled.

Five minutes later found Naruto hanging near the mast, with his leg’s tied almost spread eagle, and his hands trapped together above him. Dignity be damned the teen, shouted for help.

He tried to wiggle his head around to look around but a rope seemed to be latched around his throat and pulled tighter each time he moved, he sighed to himself before calling out again. Finally he heard stomping as someone neared him, he cried out in relief before the captain's face appeared before him. Something that Naruto couldn't name shone in the man's eyes as he looked Naruto up and down before smirking.

"Don't you smirk at me you bastard! Just get me out of these things!" The blond growled. Thin eyebrows lowered as the captain glared.

"Best be watching yer mouth around the Captain, Ghost, otherwise you'll be taking a short walk to the end of yer life." Kiba's now familiar voice rang out in his ears, he managed to turn his head a few centimeters and caught the man's serious gaze. Naruto growled again before sighing in defeat and looking at the raven haired man.

"Cut me down.....please." The word came out strained, like his throat was being ran through with a cheese grater. The Uchiha smirked down at him and turned, he nodded briefly to his first mate.

As Kiba came forward to help the teen out a voice came from over them "Naruto I thought you couldn't do knot's, yet you managed to get yourself tied up quite nicely. That's the power of youth!"

"Shut up Lee." Kiba chuckled loudly and shook his head as he finally started to help the poor teen out.

"Bring him to my cabin." with that the Captain was out of Naruto's sight. His eyes widened slightly at the captains anouncement.

Once out of the death trap of ropes Kiba walked behind the teen as he guided him to the Captain's door, before anyone knocked a cool voice flooded through the wood, "Come in." Kiba reached over Naruto and opened the door, then pushed the boy forward. The blond's head whipped around and glared at the man.

"Why is it no one seems to think I can walk for myself?!"

"Maybe because you can't seem to do anything else." Kiba replied back with a sneer as his bird took off from his shoulder and landed on a perch off to the side of the cabin.

"Come and have a sit, savvy. Unless of course you would fancy a spot on First Mate Kiba's lap so you don't mess that up as well." Sasuke smirked.

“Oh god, that was so Captain Jack Sparrow.” Naruto said with a slightly horrified, shocked expression.

“Captain who? Never heard of the man.” The Uchiha said with a raised brow and searching voice as if he just ran through a list of men in his mind.

“I can’t believe I’m stuck on a boat full of people who probably can’t even spell the word ‘Cat.’” the blond groaned and smacked himself in the forehead. Captain Uchiha pushed himself out of the chair and walked around to face Naruto. He looked the teen up and down.

“I assure you I can spell the word ‘Cat’, and many others. Don’t tell me you’re an educated man?” The surprise and intrigue that lined the man's tone caused Naruto to roll his eyes.

"Of course I am!" Naruto crossed his arms over his chest and glared up at the captain. The man made a slight noise of understanding in the back of his throat before walking back over to a table just to the side of his desk. He looked back over to Naruto and nodded toward the desk signalling for Naruto to come closer.

"You are dismissed Kiba, thank you." Kiba grunted something, the flapping of wings briefly filled the room before the door slammed shut and the two were left alone. Naruto walked over to the desk cautionsly and looked down at the table. The captain pointed to a paper.

"Read this then."

Naruto looked down at the finely scrolled parchment and scrunched up his eyes as he bent over. "Port of Stutsman. 50 knots North of Dead Man's Gallow. Six barrels of black power, five...." the blond trailed off and looked up to the captain as he scoffed, "I'm reading a shopping list...any moron can read a shopping list."

"Where is it that you come from, Ghost....because even in the finest of towns not all the citizens can read." Captain's face was raised in mild curiousity as Naruto's face went blank while his mind searched for words. A moment passed and when the teen didn't produce an answer the captain nodded.

"Not everyone likes to remember their past...I can understand." Naruto's heart slammed in his chest, a pang of hurt coursed through his body. He had looked into the captains face when the man had said that, the man knew what he was talking about for he to was trying to forget something of his own past...something painful.

Naruto nodded as the captain took his sit behind his desk and started shuffling through papers. "You will, from now on, be helping me with important documents and the like. But at the moment there are some things I need to go through so take a sit and wait till I need you." not feeling like arguing Naruto nodded to himself and took one of the chairs in front of the desk.

About ten minutes or so had past by when Captian Uchiha slammed his fist down on the desk and looked up at Naruto, he had felt the boy's eyes on him the whole time. "What?!"

The blond smiled sheepishly, "Well I was just wondering..."

Like a twitch Sasuke's eyebrow shot up, "Yes?"

"You're a pirate Captain right?"

"Of course, now get to your point." Sasuke sighed as he leaned back in his chair.

"Where is your peg leg?....Or maybe even an eye patch or something...A big bushy beard maybe?!"

Sasuke felt his left eye twitch, and a rumble of laughter filled his stomach, but he held it in, heaven forbid someone considers him weak, he could very well have a mutiny on his hands, well excepting the fact that most of his crew was too lazy to even consider creating a ruckus, and he was more than fair to his crew.

Sasuke gave the blonde an incredulously look, before narrowing his eyes and glaring. Naruto just stared right back as if challenging, before he finally looked away his eye’s dimming and a small unhappy sigh escaped his lips. Upon hearing the unhappy sigh and look of complete and utter defeat cross the blonde’s face Sasuke couldn’t help but concede.

“Not every pirate captain has a peg leg you know. It’s a sign of how great a captain you are by the state of both your crew and you’re own well being. Now I wouldn’t be much of a pirate if I had lost a leg now would I?”

Naruto frowned for a moment before shaking his head, “All the good pirates I know have at least one of the three, but you have no peg leg, no beard, and no eye patch.”

“I guess you don’t know very many good pirates then.” The raven said with a smirk. “After all it shows you aren’t fit for battle with the eye patch, it shows you down to have the peg leg, and a beard is a sign that you aren’t wealthy enough to go to port often enough to get a good bath and shave.”

Naruto merely pouted and refused to make eye contact with the raven, he was sick of the man’s eye’s pulling him into their depths.

“What do I have to do to show you I’m one of the best pirates out there?” Sasuke said, getting up out of his seat, before moving behind Naruto in a flash, his breath tickling the hairs on the back of the teen’s neck, before whispering into the teen’s ear, “Should I, plunder something? Or how about a nice pillage and rape,” he said smirking beside then teen’s ear as Naruto shook with both fear and anticipation as a pair of hands slid up his waist.

“W-what do you think you’re doing?” Naruto sputtered, as he felt himself lifted up and out of the seat before being guided onto the captain’s lap. “Hey! What the hell man!?” The teen exclaimed, squirming madly in an attempt to escape the man’s grasp.

“I’m just claiming my rightful booty.” The raven replied, moving to nibble gently on the struggling boy’s ear. “You were on my property after all, so now I own you.”

“Ah, ah, Stop that!” Naruto said with a squeak, stiffening as he felt a pair of hand’s sneak under his shirt. “Gah! Get out of there!” The blonde exclaimed, trying to grab for the man’s hands, “Dammit! I said MOVE THEM HANDS!”

A small cough came from the door, Naruto stopped struggling and turned to look over to see a sheepishly grinning Kiba standing in the door way.

Kiba’s bird decided to break the silence that came over the room, “-Squawk- Knocking boots –Squawk-“.

Naruto immediately flushed red and scrambled to escape from Sasuke’s lap, finally the raven allowing the teen to go. Kiba gave the two a grin, “So ye’ve not been here more than a sundown and you’re already riding the plank eh, Ghost?” He said giving the teen a light tap on the shoulder.

“I- We- I could never- Him, pfftt-I can’t believe that-“

“It’s alright mate, many a man on board would love a chance to jump on the Uchiha oar and paddle away til’ the morn.” Kiba said giving Naruto a gentle pat on the shoulder.

Naruto felt his left eye twitch at the visual provided, but quickly shook of the image, before removing Kiba’s hand with his index and thumb, as if the man was contaminated. “Listen, I don’t know what you thought you saw but there’s absolutely nothing going on between Captain Uchiha and myself. Nothing at all.”

“It’s alright Ghost, Kiba is a very loyal crew member anything said in this room will not leave it, I assure you. Feel free to tell him.” Sasuke said with a smirk and grin.

Naruto sputtered in indignation, “But there’s nothing going on!”

Sasuke beckoned Kiba over and made a show of whispering to him, although his words were more than loud enough for Naruto to hear, “He’s just a little shy. I was his first, so he’s still a little cock shy. Just talk to him gentle like, savvy?”

Naruto could feel all the blood rushing to his cheek’s, and his fist clenched tightly, his brow furrowed in anger. ‘That fucking bastard. I swear, the second I see land I’m killing him then getting the hell out of here.’

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Hahah~ Personally I love this chapter.

Cassie's Conscience: Jump on the Uchiha Oar and paddle away til’ the morn’... What the hell man?

Cassie: It was a moment of inspiration.

Cassie's Conscience: Or insanity. And that’s what you call bondage?!

Cassie: Generally someone tied up with their legs spread constitutes “bondage”.

Cassie's Conscience: -Scoffs- Well until next time.

Just to show you a bit of reasoning to the stove thing a bit of our conversation cause I know someone out there will be all angry about it or something. C-chan - Cassandra Incognito, Sara - Me


Sara: *wonders how in the hell pirates have an oven on board*
Sara: Hahah, they are special pirates
*-~ C-Chan *-~: I don't know what the hell else they would cook with...Put it off to Magic.
Sara: They wouldn't XD
*-~ C-Chan *-~: That sucks
*-~ C-Chan *-~: They are cooking. Screw the fact it could start a fire
Sara: *giggles* Mkay
*-~ C-Chan *-~: Grrrr eat
Sara: *tilts head*
*-~ C-Chan *-~: Tony the Tiger
Sara: ...Oh *thought that said Grrr eat* Like you were hungry
Sara: cave man talk

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You don't even wanta see our talk of pirate terms for sex XDD

I normally respond to reviewers and it makes me fidget not to but this is long enough already...THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR REVIEWS THEY ARE MORE THEN APPRECIATED! *hugs all*