A Royal Pain

Author Note: Okay, like I said I'm moving and this once tiny fic, sprouted a mind of it's own and is now going to be way longer than I intended. Oh yeah, and everyone is insanely OOC. If we hadn't noticed. ^.^ It's soooo OOC, that Jiraiya is the normal, unperverted one. -_-;


“A Royal Pain”


Chapter 2

The next morning most certainly did NOT dawn bright and gloriously clear. The next morning dawned wet and muddy, dreary charcoal thunderheads sweeping across a normally clear sky.

Queen Jiraiya woke to a particularly loud clap of lightening, and rolled slowly off the bed, discarding fuzzy, purple bunny ears as he went (Tsunade had remembered, much to his dismay). He rose with a tender backward glance at his wife, who lay sprawled ungracefully across the satin sheets, crown askew, loud, sake-tinted snores passing her lips.

He strode towards their window, hoping to latch the shutters that were pounding loudly on the sides of the window, one arm struggling with his robe as he went.

The wind was fierce, the icy rain slapping at his barely clothed frame, and a particularly close strike caused Tsunade’s snores to pause, then resume with their normal intensity. He leaned out of his window one hand braced on the sill to help him keep his balance. ‘Goddamn shutter,’ he thought, before finally catching hold of the enthusiastic wood. He glanced down casually, hoping the flooding in the courtyard hadn’t gotten too bad, Shizune had to order three new peacocks to make up for the ones that had perished last time it had flooded like this. Slowly his eyes widened. There were people, down there! Camping! There were people CAMPING in the royal COURTYARD!!

The Queen stomped quickly out of the room, shutters and snores forgotten.

“SHIZUNE!!” He shouted, fists banging on her bedroom door. He wished momentarily he had his crown, as it added a little bit of grandeur his pink silk robe lacked. “A WORD!!”

He pounded on her door once more, almost braining the petite woman as she pulled it open.

“Yes, my liege?” She asked breathlessly.

“There are people-What are you wearing?” Shizune blushed and tried to hide her leather corset clad body behind the door.

“What about people?” She reiterated calmly, brushing her hair out of her eyes.

“They are camping-Are there two men in your bed?” Jiraiya asked, his voice raising in volume, as she sighed and stepped out of the room, closing the door firmly behind her.

“Where are people camping?” She said, an edge of frustration to her normally cool tone.

“What?” Jiraiya said distractedly, trying to figure out who the two male shadows chained to her bed were. “Oh-There are PEOPLE CAMPING in the ROYAL COURTYARD!”

“Oh.” She said, and smiled, waving one hand gracefully, the other fiddling with the handle of the whip she held casually in one hand. “Those are the princes who answered the declaration. Don’t worry. I put them there. Think of it as a test.”

He scoffed.

“In this weather? They’ll die.”

Shizune sighed.

“That is the point of the tests. It’s a way to make sure they are strong enough to rule this country and wed your daughter.” She shook her head lightly. “Don’t forget the interviews begin at twelve sharp.”

She rubbed his arm consolingly. “It’s all very standard.”

Jiraiya blinked, a little bewildered at all the hubbub his teensy-weensy proclamation was causing.

Shizune smiled, a wicked feral light in her eyes, that reminded the Queen of his wife when her sake went missing.

“Then come the tasks, my liege. I love the tasks. Now, I’ll see you in the morning.”

Jiraiya nodded, made a mental memo to never disturb Shizune after dark, and went to go snuggle with his own demented sadist.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The next morning Shizune, now dressed in her normal advisor robes, informed him that of the 103 princes in the courtyard there were 24 left.

He nodded sagely and asked her to set up a chamber for the interviews, as he and his wife would be presiding.

Sakura, who he had been sure would want to help, mumbled something about horses and hurried off, her face pale and drawn. Jiraiya resolved to make her go to the royal physician as soon as possible.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Twelve rolled around soon enough, and found Jiraiya and Tsunade settled uncomfortably in formal dress (a terrifying sight, as the Queen’s formal dress, WAS a dress), waiting for Shizune to send the first man in.

“Isn’t this exciting?” asked Jiraiya, beaming at his wife.

“Please talk softer.” Tsunade whispered, eyes bloodshot, as she took tiny sips from her bottle, hoping the bitter liquid would help her headache.

Their advisor opened the door, showing their first prince in. He was a tall, powerfully built man, with an odd haircut and a worrying sparkle in his eyes.

“Name?” said Jiraiya, pen poised over a clipboard he had borrowed from Shizune, hoping to look more official.

` “Maito Gai.”

Jiraiya nodded politely, and added a hat to the hangman he had drawn, before passing the clipboard to Tsunade.

“And why do you wish to marry my daughter Sakura?” He asked.

“I wish to revisit YOUTH! I felt as I sat on my throne, that the COLD HANDS of OLD AGE were creeping up on me. I wish to replenish my SPRINGTIME with her NUBILE BODY!!”

“Get out.” Tsunade murmured, and Jiraiya watched with morbid fascination as his eyebrows danced and jittered, like tiny puppets.

“Give me a chance, O NOBLE KING! I can be HIP!”

“SHIZUNE!!” Tsunade shouted, “Get him out!”

Jiraiya sighed as his wife passed him back the clipboard and added one eyebrow to the choked figure. Some how, he just knew this was gonna get worse.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Name?”

“Inuzuka Kiba”

“And why do you wish to marry my child?”

“Actually mom says she’s my last hope. All the other princess’ thought me and my dog, Akamaru, were a little too…close.” The boy before them grinned sheepishly.

“Next.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Name?”

“Orochimaru.”

“And Mister…Orochimaru, what do you like doing in your free time?”

“I enjoy playing with snakes.”

“SHIZUNE, NEXT!”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Name?”

“Shino Aburame.”

“Do you have any special talents, Master Aburame?”

“I’m actually training a flea circus. I like insects you see. They feel wonderful under my skin.”

“Next.”

“Yes milady.”

“And Shizune? No more animal handlers.”

“Yes milady.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Name?”

“Maito Lee”

“Hmm. Sounds oddly familiar. And why do you wish to marry my child?”

“I believe in the springtime of-“

“GET THOSE EYEBROWS OUT OF HERE!!”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jiraiya sighed wearily. They only had two candidates so far, and only two more princes to interview. The whole day had been terrible. He glanced down at the empty clipboard, (they had run out of paper in the middle of Ebisu’s interview), and told Shizune to send the next boy in.

He looked to see a tall redhead, no older than twenty-five, the kanji for love, displayed in vivid ink on his forehead. Jiraiya watched as his lithe form slunk into the room, worn black boots caked with sand, build muscular, but not overly so, a predatory grace overlying his whole countenance.

“Name?”

“Sabaku no Gaara.” Came the cool reply, his voice a deep commanding tone. This man screamed royalty, even more that that prideful Hyuuga kid had.

“And why do you want to marry my child?”

Gaara smiled a slow sensual, curve of lips, and Jiraiya glanced over to see his wife beaming back.

“I wish to give more pleasure than they have ever known. I will make every wicked dream possible, and every sinful fantasy, a reality. I want the most beautiful body in your land to become my plaything, my beautiful toy, something to pet…and punish.”

Jiraiya blinked, looked over the beautiful (if dangerous-looking) newcomer, and opened his mouth to scream ‘NEXT’ (rather loudly), but Tsunade interrupted him.

“You are exactly what my baby needs to break out of that reserved shell. We’ll see you at dinner.”

The man stood and bowed, that dark glint never leaving his heated emerald eyes, and stalked smoothly out of the doors.

“Are you sure, dear?” Jiraiya asked worriedly. He wasn’t sure he wanted that tiger around his precious blossom at all. “He seemed a little…”

Tsunade shushed him as the door opened, and their last prince came in.

He was small, fine-boned, with huge, blonde curls, big, blue eyes and soft, pouty red lips. Jiraiya looked doubtful, but started anyway.

“Name?”

“Um…Naruto Uzumaki.” The boy’s voice was quiet but sure, and he settled into the chair with a quick flop, an almost childlike grace to his movements. Sakura would eat him alive.

“How old are you?”

“Seventeen.”

Naruto smiled and winked, a devilish expression crossing his cherubs face. “But I’m an old seventeen.”

Tsunade raised an eyebrow, but Jiraiya smiled at the boy’s gumption.

“And why do you wish my child’s hand in marriage?”

Naruto glanced down at his silk shoes, the carefully embroidered fabric, then back up to the royal couple watching him.

“I want to lick every inch of that pale skin, until your angel’s voice breaks from screaming my name. I want to be your child’s happily ever after…and I want to be owned.” He blinked and smiled sweetly, a hint of fang showing. “Do you think I have a chance?”

Shizune blinked from where she stood in the doorway, and Jiraiya watched as she wiped away a tiny bit of drool.

“Not only do you have a wonderful chance, there’s a consolation prize. Me.”She quickly escorted the boy out the door, one hand reaching down to pat his ass. Jiraiya glanced over at his wife, hoping she would protest, as he didn’t want to disrespect Shizune by disciplining her in front of a visiting prince (he was actually scared of her), and quickly realized she was fast asleep. ’Oh well,’ Jiraiya thought, ‘He won’t make it through dinner.'

Tsunade snorted her unconscious assent.


"Why did we pass two nymphomaniacs again?"

And from where she stood by the door, Shizune smiled.