Shinobi Grape Juice

Title: Cute. Sexy. Kami.
Genre: Humor/Romance
Characters: Kakashi, Anko, (Iruka though unseen and Kakashi/Iruka implied... a lot.)
Rating: PG-13
Summery: How Kakashi lost his porn and Anko learnt those 3 little words.
Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto. Don't own, don't make money. It's merely for my own amusement.

Hatake Kakashi. Born genius, ninja of one-thousand jutsu and perceived stoic was trapped. How, how did this woman’s conversations continually loop back around to his daily hobbies? Better yet, why?

“I am not a pervert!” He hissed.

“You read porn!” His captive, some would call it team mate, Mitarashi Anko replied with equal affliction.

“So do you.” Said ‘genius’ objected.

“Not,” she shot back. “In public.” With this Anko firmly placed a hand on either hip. No matter the awkwardness it caused in her current position, the woman had a point to make. Hatake Kakashi, was in fact, a pervert. And, according to the current Kurenai-chan update, an academy sensei molester. The grapevine was alive and growing with that bit of gossip.

“I like the stories,” he interrupted the kunoichi’s train of thought with an air of nonchalant.

Anko snorted. “You like the porn.”

With a rueful smile in place, The Hatake Kakashi, Icha Icha fan-boy extraordinaire, slid the length of his lean lithe form along the anterior of his co-conspirator. Anko meekly concealed the shiver she dared any heterosexual woman to fully deny and continued about her ministrations. Together they were working on a plan of escape. Kakashi was using his sharingan in order to clearly identify any possible threat that might enter the room below and Anko, suppressing all unneeded chakra so not to give away their position to a building full of ninja, worked blindly at removing four tightly sealed screws.

Chakra-less escapades just plain sucked.

Nevertheless, their mission had been a success. No need to screw it up now by getting caught.

Glaring down at his ‘mission’ partner, Kakashi continued. “Yeah, but the stories are good too. Not to mention people leave me alone.”

The kunoichi grinned amiably, Kakashi shuddered. “People leave you alone because you’re an obnoxious asshat - not because you read porn. That’s just a fact of life. Also-” she was cut off by the sudden abdomen impaling her face. Words mumbled and lost.

His arms half dangling from the open air vent, Copy-Nin extraordinaire had once again saved the day. Or rather, he’d seen the grate about to fall free just as Anko released the last screw and had acted accordingly. Lurching forward and capturing the slate before anyone else could see or hear what was going on in one of the towers main offices.

Sliding once again over the kunoichi’s torso, said smug bastard blatantly straddled her thighs holding out the steel grate as though he’d done nothing at all. Just another day, another mission… another body to taunt. Anko shook her head. Kami-sama, just give me twenty minutes. Twenty minutes and I’d wipe that smug look from his… eye. Anko shook her head again. Bastard.

Kakashi smirked. “You were saying?”

“You’re an asshat?” She openly glared.

“No,” the jounin sighed. “The other half.”

Still glaring, the snake-wielding shinobi snatched the grate from her ‘mission’ team-mate and finished her previously cut sentence. “They’re afraid you’ll molest them or their children.”

The Copy-Nin made a somewhat annoyed noise in the back of his throat. “When have I EVER molested anybody?” With a grunt he added, “Missions excluded.”

Before the kunoichi could answer she found a gloved hand coving her mouth. Under her silent protests, the offending jounin only shook his head and pointed beyond the gaping hole. Downward and beyond, there was a muffled shuffling of feet on carpet, a quiet murmur discerning drunken Hokage’s and hysterical senbon-fixated jounin, and the ruffle of paper. Then, nothing.

Taking the silence as a blessed sign to move out, Kakashi did so accordingly. With an almost unnatural feline-like grace, he slipped from the air vent landing silently upon the floor. A few seconds later Anko followed, her legs entwining with the Copy-Nin’s neck and shoulders for leverage. They were shinobi after all, and it would be very un-shinobi-like to leave a gaping hole as evidence of their escape route.

When everything was back in place both jounin silently sauntered from the Hokage Tower, Anko’s silence raising more eyebrows then anything else. Happily, the Copy-Nin nodded to himself: mission complete. He frowned. Mission almost complete. There was still one last thing to take care of.

Detouring to the mission room, Kakashi, overly cheerful, passed on a three day late report blatantly ignoring the daggered glare being sent his way. Since it wasn’t his chocolate-eyed chuunin doing the staring, he dispassionately ignored the protests and continued merrily on his way out the door. Anko never far behind.

With the end of their ‘mission’ in sight, the two jounin nodded in silent agreement and bamphed away leaving smoke and leaves to disperse in the wind.

-----------------------------------


“What about the rumor of you and a certain chuunin-sensei?” Anko continued their air vent conversation before the dust had even settled in Kakashi’s apartment.

Even with one eye, the silver-haired man couldn’t help but notice the way she’d ran a single finger from her left cheek, over the bridge of her nose to her right cheek. All the while grinning wildly. It was a frightening reminder of the cat that caught the canary - oh and look, it hand yummy baby birds too. He shrugged, ever the aloof.

“What rumor?”

“You know…” an unknown emotion glinted in her eyes. “That you molested none other than THE Umino Iruka, at the academy, in front of his students.”

“Hn.”

“You asshole,” she gaped. “You’re not even gonna try and deny it?” There was a pause before she accusingly spat, “You’re proud!”

“And if I am?” Kakashi shrugged. “Besides, he was asking for it.”

For just a moment Anko wondered if she could get away with punching the superior jounin, even if he was the legendary Sharingan Kakashi, before he’d have her pinned down. The man had no regrets. A rumor such as that could have devastating effects on a respectable chuunin-sensei’s career. Not to mention if the rumor was true, then that smug hentai had tongue-raped her Ruka nii-chan. The kunoichi’s fists clenched. She could see it, even with only one bored steel-blue eye, she could see it. He had tongue-raped her nii-chan. Bastard.

“You molested his mouth, Hatake. In his classroom. In front of his academy students. No. He. Wasn’t.” The latter three words quiet and calculating.

“Practically begging.”

Practically breathing fire and ice and all things deemed ‘hazardous to prolonged life’, Anko snarled. “If what you say is true, then I’m inclined to believe the rumors second half. You know, where upon he immediately attacked you?! How does it go? Oh right, first he threw pens, then a few rulers, then he attempted to punch you and when that didn’t work, oh yeah, he threw a chair at you. A chair, Hatake. Clearly, I can see how you thought he was begging!”

“Hn.” Kakashi shrugged, leaning against a kitchen bench. Like always there was an expression of indifference and his ever present Icha Icha at nose level.

Anko’s jaw tightened. When had he even had TIME to pull out that illiterate abomination? “Give. Me. That. Damn. Book.” She bite off each word. “We had a deal and I want them ALL.”

“Fine.” The Copy-Nin sighed, snapping his book shut and sauntering forward. Showing an unnoticed affection, already missing his little orange buddy, Kakashi placed it in Anko’s outstretched hand before leaving to gather the rest of his collection. Moments later he returned handing over a small, heavy box. Okay, the box wasn’t that small. It was the entirety of the fan-boys collection after all.

Mitarashi Anko liked to think herself a strong, brave, unfearing shinobi. So the clear expression of horror twisting her features as she looked down to her newly won Icha Icha collection, should have been a sight to behold. For the Copy-Nin, it certainly was not. They were his Icha Icha, damnit.

Anko glanced up at the silver-haired jounin. “Your not going to argue?”

“…” Kakashi stared, face so devoid of emotion it would have impressed a Hyuuga.

“Why?” She asked suspiciously.

Suddenly, visible eye curved into a happy ‘U’, Kakashi leered. “Places to go, people to do.”

“Pervert.” Anko snapped.

“Am not!” Kakashi huffed. Really, why was everyone always calling him a pervert? It wasn’t as though he went around spying on the women’s bath houses. He certainly didn’t read his porn out loud to children. He’d never exposed himself in public - okay, never on purpose. There was that one time, with Gai. But that was totally and irrevocably the Green Beast of Konoha’s own fault. Kakashi shuddered at the memory of exposed and surprisingly hairy flesh, bushy eyebrows, torn green spandex. Just don’t think about it. His eye twitched.

Noticing the somewhat forlorn expression clouding the jounin’s eye, Anko shook her head and made her next statement clearly with an air of finality. “You are, Hatake. And always will be. Always.”

“Fine.” The so called genius pouted. Maybe if someone could have seen it, there would have been that desired heart-melting, cooing, blushing reaction. But since he was still wearing his mask, the most the silver-haired lecher received was a slight look of annoyance. How was Anko to know an adorable little five-year-olds pout was hiding under that thin bit of fabric?

Curse his masks constant stoic disposition.

Pushing himself from the bench he’d again gravitated towards, Kakashi passed the purple-haired kunoichi on his way to the door. It didn’t exactly matter when she left his apartment, there wasn’t that much she could steal, just that she eventually did. Besides, he really did have places to go… dolphins to see. Once again the kunoichi’s voice pulled him from his musings.

“Places to go, people to do?” She cocked a questioning eyebrow.

The Copy-Nin nodded.

“Who?” Her curiosity piqued.

Kakashi went with another over the top grin, and again it wasn’t as if anyone could tell. Not unless they knew him well enough, which she didn’t. So he let the happy crescent of his visible eye do all the emotional explaining deemed necessary.

“Maa… my favorite dolphin-sensei of course.” He winked. Though technically, he could have just blinked.

“What?!” Anko cried out. Surely he’d had enough of the chuunin-sensei? One good grope and mouth molestation and he’d had his fun? Damnit, why always the crazy ones?

She knew Iruka could handle himself - he was shinobi, and a teacher of over thirty hellions. One did not get those credentials without some form of ninja-smarts. But it didn’t mean she wouldn’t protect the grown prankster either. Even if she had to protect him from lecherous, delusional, legendary Copy-Nins. Previous experience with the pony-tailed sensei's relationship preferences were not something to be ignored. The man seemed to have a kink for mentally unstable and Hatake Kakashi was nothing if not mentally… and pervertedly unstable.

The last thing any of them needed was for the chuunin to fall head-over-heel in love with his depraved stalker.

Seemingly following the inner transcript of the kunoichi’s thought’s, Kakashi decided to end any and all doubts. Sure, he didn’t have to. His relationship with the chuunin-sensei was no ones business but his own. People just didn’t seem to understand. The couple had been happily making a go of it for almost seven months. So he makes one little public slip-up and suddenly every one wants details. Surprisingly he’d found many ninja hoped the rumor was in fact not true. Something about not trusting a pervert with their adorably innocent academy sensei.

If only they knew.

Well, Kakashi thought. If she insists on causing trouble, might as well share some private details. Nothing like clearing up a situation with the bonus possibility of traumatizing. Anything was worth a try for his dolphin.

“I didn’t molest just any man in my path, you know.” He grumbled.

Anko’s ever raised eyebrow seemed to mock him.

The Copy-Nin tired again. “Aren’t there rumors about this sort of thing? Isn’t that your forte?”

“I don’t dwindle on Iruka related gossip. Everyone wants a bit of sweet chuunin ass and I’ve known him long enough to tell no one’s getting any.” With that, Anko’s eyes became a challenge.

She’d never believe the jounin hadn’t randomly picked her Ruka from the street, or that there was more… just more. It wasn’t a slight against her nii-chan, because he really was hot. And adorable. And if the shinobi vote was anything to go by, he was currently coming 4th as most desirable chuunin. She’d have to check with Tsunade-sama for updates on that one. No, it wasn’t the delectability of the chuunin in question, it was more the sanity of the man standing across from her. He just wasn’t ‘relationship material’.

Kakashi sighed. “In the time I’ve known Iruka, I’ve found only three words to describe him. Cute, sexy and Kami. Cute when he blushes, sexy when he pouts, but Kami when he’s underneath and begging.”

Anko’s jaw hung ever so slightly open. Underneath... and begging?

A moment longer and the sharingan-eyed jounin added, “I’m not going to hurt him.”

Then, almost as though the seriousness had never been there, Kakashi walked out humming. He was happy with how the conversation between them had turned out. He was especially happy with the lascivious image he’d implanted in his Ruka-Ru’s self-appointed nee-chan’s head. For a few seconds he’d thought of staying a little longer, just to gauge any more reactions the woman was bound to have. But as quickly as the thought came it soon left. After all, he really did have one hot little chuunin-dolphin to go find and senselessly molest.

Cute, sexy, kami indeed.


-TBC-


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I feel for Anko, really i do. That's not about to make me stop picking on her though!! She's too awesome XD