Bitch Nights-Director's Cut

A/N: Hey, guys! This is one of several; I've got a lot of little oneshot things for my universe just waiting to be written. This one's based off a dream I had. Sorry, technically no smut.

Summary: Ever wonder just when Kakashi realized that he had the hots for Sakura? This is set before my story starts, probably not too long after Shippuuden begins.

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How To Thwart A Pervert

By the time Kakashi made it to the local onsen-over an hour later than agreed-Jiraiya had already succumbed to his impatience and gone on without him. Not IN the onsen, oh no, but around the back, where there was plenty of opportunity for spying on unwitting damsels.

Sure enough, he found the Sannin plastered to one of several peepholes, obviously trying to become one with the wooden wall.

Kakashi shook his head. Some things never changed. However, he was here about official business, so . . .

"Yo."

Jiraiya spun around, looking annoyed and making the signal for silence. Tiptoeing over to where the silver-haired jounin was leaning against the wall, Jiraiya grabbed the jounin by the arm and hauled him back to his previous spot, exalting in quiet tones about the perfect specimen of feminine beauty he'd discovered on the other side. Kakashi considered protesting, or telling Jiraiya that he was swinging more towards the gay end of the spectrum this month(and who wouldn't with Naruto running around shirtless and that new kid, Sai, walking around like sex on legs?), but knew from long experience that he'd never get anywhere with the lecherous old man unless he cooperated.

With a long-suffering sigh, he leveled his eye with the peephole and looked through.

Well! Jiraiya had actually found a decent one this time. The unsuspecting victim was still wrapped up in a towel, legs dangling over the side. Very nice legs, he noticed. They were firm and tones and exceptionally shapely. Obviously, she was either a kunoichi or a civilian with an obsession for keeping fit. Nope, wait, there was a thin scar on her calf. Definitely kunoichi.

Something about the scar bothered him, like he‘d seen it before, but he brushed it aside as he let his eyes trail upward.

The part covered by the towel was obviously on the slimmer side of what Jiraiya considered worth his time, with smaller, perkier(from what he could tell) curves on top, and a deliciously rounded set of hips. As he watched, she leaned forward slightly, bringing her slight cleavage and smooth, creamy shoulders into view. Her arms came up to start untying the towel, and Kakashi spared an instant to see that they were as strong and supple as those gorgeous legs before having his gaze arrested by the Untying of The Towel.

A few moments later, and his erection, which had been at half-mast, came to life with enough youthful vigor to reduce Gai to tears of joy.

Clear, unblemished skin, pert, perfect breasts with pink, mouthwatering nipples. Flat, firm stomach, lovely if understated curves . . . Jiraiya had discovered a goddess! He didn't care if he had to stake out the onsen until closing time, he would be damned if he didn't score a piece of that. . .

Wait a fucking second.

Just as the towel was completely removed, and the little Aphrodite started to slide into the water, Kakashi caught a glimpse of pink at the apex of her delectable thighs . . .

PINK?!?

Kakashi's world slowed down just long enough for his brain to frantically beg the heavens, 'Please, PLEASE let it be a relative! A cousin, an aunt, her fucking mother, anyone but . . . In horror, he watched that lithe, supple oh-so-fuckable body slide past his view . . . ending at wide jade eyes, full lips, and a look of relaxed bliss.

Sakura. Haruno fucking Sakura. His own teammate. His own UNDERAGED ex-student!

He mentally reeled. He was not above scoring from a perfect stranger. A good one night stand would relieve some tension, and a girl as beautiful as that would make for excellent bragging rights. And best of all, no need to connect with them. They went their own way, he went his. No bonds, no relationships, no need to hurt, or be hurt.

But this . . . his brain struggled to reconcile the two personas of Sakura the Teammate and Sakura the Potential Sex Goddess. The mental images of fucking that nameless kunoichi started to blend with images of Sakura. Fighting, training, mission, late-night conversations, later nights stitching him up at his apartment because he refused to go to the hospital, helping her with the climb up to her own apartment at the end of a long mission, when she was so exhausted he had to all but carry her, but she'd still be there at the Hokage's office the next morning with a smile for him and . . .

Oh. Fuck.

Kakashi fought down a surge of panic. He kept his friends and his lovers separate for a damned good reason. No one person got the whole of him. He couldn't be someone's friend and lover both. He couldn't be anyone's precious person, nor could anyone be his. He couldn't stand to lose anyone else. After watching his father die, his team die, one by one, he knew he couldn't take the burden of having anyone be that close again. And he'd remained stubbornly aloof, right up until he'd been assigned Team Seven. And as distanced as he'd tried to be, it had still killed another piece inside of him when Sasuke had left.

That was why he'd never messed around with any of the others in his group, aside from an occasional romp with Anko, who had even more issues with attachment than he did. Sure, he ogled the boys on his team; who wouldn't? But he knew better than to ever cross that line in his head. He could find them attractive without mentally bending them over the nearest horizontal surface.

But now he was definitely thinking about Sakura in a less than platonic manner. Worse, in a manner that caused a softening in his heart to counter the hardening in his groin.

The shove at his shoulder as Jiraiya bodily moved him out of the way barely registered in Kakashi's universe as it insisted on crumbling around him. As he finally took a firm grip on his emotions, with an even firmer, You are NOT developing feelings for Sakura!, he glanced over at the Sannin to find the man once again pressed to the wooden wall, all but dancing in delight at peeping on . . .

Kakashi froze as mixed feelings of anger and jealousy shot through his body like a full-body Chidori. Without thinking, he shouted, 'You are NOT spying on HER, old man!'

There was a moment of absolute stillness as Jiraiya stared at his prodigy's prodigy in horror, and then the silence was shattered by a multitude of feminine shrieks as the female side of the onsen rapidly emptied. Self-preservation kicked in, and both men quickly made their exit as well.

Or they would have, were a certain kunoichi been blocking their path when they turned the corner. The very one Kakashi was hoping not to see.

‘Damn. Maybe the speed training was a bad idea . . .’

Sakura stood before them in one of the onsen's utilitarian white robes, dripping and looking like an angel about to go on a hellacious rampage. Even so, Kakashi had enough sense to thank any deities listening that it was Tsunade-Lite rather than Tsunade Classic. With a voice shaking in rage, the pissed teenager fixed them with a glare, "What. The Hell. Do you think you're doing?!?"

Jiraiya quickly started making excuses while Kakashi tried like hell not to let his eyes make contact with any part of her body. Even looking at her bare feet was a mistake, because he'd find his gaze trailing next to the delicate ankle bones, the muscular calves . . .

Sakura cut Jiraiya off with an annoyed expression. "You know what? I'm pretty sure I know exactly what you were up to. I'm a bit surprised at you, Sensei, but considering what I heard you say TO this lech, I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. However, it better not happen again."

Both men exchanged incredulous looks. That was it? A warning? They relaxed a tiny bit.

Sakura seemed to be thinking, her eyes closed. With a little nod, as though she'd just made a decision, she looked straight at the Sannin. "Tsunade told me the best way to deal with you if you ever started spying on me, and right now, I think it's a really good idea."

Jiraiya twitched in fear.

Before either of the men could move, Haruno Sakura did the last thing either of them could expect.

She flashed them.

Haruno Sakura very calmly and deliberately untied her robe and spread it open like it was the most natural thing in the world.

Jiraiya’s jaw dropped. Kakashi's did too, but less noticeably. Thankfully, the mask also camouflaged the trickle of blood escaping his nose. He was torn between jumping in front of the woman to shield her from the (other) pervert, beating the shit out of Jiraiya for looking (too,) and shoving Sakura against the wall and having his way with her-wait, that's not what he was supposed to be thinking!

After a few seconds, during which Sakura just gazed at them with an eyebrow raised, Jiraiya broke and moved forward, fingers waggling in anticipation-

WHAM!

-to land face first on the ground with a spectacular lump already starting to form on the top of his head.

By the time Kakashi was able to absorb the shock of seeing a legendary Sannin knocked out by a Chuunin, Sakura had already retied her robe, and was smirking down at the groaning man. "Now that you've gotten what you wanted, there'd better not be a repeat," she said sweetly. Dusting her hands off, she looked at Kakashi, who tried to act like he always did, cool and aloof, and oh hell he was still hard!

He tried to speak once, twice, before he managed to get out, "Sakura . . ."

She shook her head. "Don't worry about it, Kaka-sensei! I don't blame you." A glare at the pervert by her feet showed just who she did blame. "He can stick that in his next damned book and smoke it," she huffed. Then, with a little wave, she turned on her heel and sauntered off, obviously pleased with her work.

Kakashi just watched her, torn by all the conflicting emotions this whole situation had aroused in him.

He was SO fucked.

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Six Months Later:

"Guys! I'm back!" Naruto hollered, running towards them.

Sakura, Sai, Kakashi and Yamato glanced up to see Naruto approach their table at the dango restaurant.

Sakura was the first to wave, "Naruto! You're here already?"

Naruto shoved Sai to side without so much as a by-your-leave and sat between the artist and his childhood crush. "Yeah, Ero-Sennin just wanted to make a run to his publisher, and we stopped at a few places along the way. Two weeks of travel, one week where I try to train and he does research." He shrugged good-naturedly, "You know, the usual."

Yamato smiled politely, "And where is Jiraiya-sama?"

Naruto glanced around, surprised, "Huh? I thought he was behind me. He must have run off . . . I told him I wanted to come see you guys."

Kakashi and Sakura exchanged an amused glance, knowing that the man was deliberately avoiding the pink-haired kunoichi. Things had been a little awkward between the two of them at first, but enough time and some good humor on both of their parts had overcome a lot of it, and they could both laugh about the incident now.

Though they sure as hell didn't tell anyone else about it.

And he sure as hell wasn't going to mention the fact that he'd started dreaming about her at night, doing it again. And more.

Naruto made an excited sound that caught their attention, and they turned to see the jinchuuriki digging around in his pack, "I've got another present for you, Kaka-sensei! Look!"

Kakashi made a curious sound, and then his eye went wide with shock as Naruto pulled out a book. "This is. . . !" With shaking hands, he took the slim hardcover from his ex-student. He opened the cover-

Which was suddenly slammed shut on his fingers with unholy force.

Refusing to make any sound of pain, he simply glared at Sakura, before registering the ghastly shade of grey her face had taken. "Sakura?"

Her teeth ground audibly, and she looked furious. ". . . I'm going to kill him."

Kakashi dropped his eyes to the cover of the book, finally noticing the title:

Icha Icha Onsen.

Naruto, ever the clueless one, piped up, "Yeah, Ero-Sennin said it's based on this girl that actually caught him peeping and flashed him, but I think he's just making that up so I'll buy his 'research' excuse, and-"

"THAT SON OF A-SHANNAROU!!!"

Fifteen minutes later, the book was in the alleyway dumpster along with a portion of the restaurant's ruined furniture and Sakura was off on a quest of vengeance. Yamato had kindly replaced the ruined tables and chairs with his own creations, Sai offered to 'replace the shitty paintings on the walls, since the Hag was kind enough to put the originals out of their misery,' and Kakashi had disappeared altogether in order to avoid paying for the rest of the damages.

He was back later, though. Even the fabled Copy Ninja will dumpster dive if properly motivated.