Ashamed

I can not even look at him and I feel worse because of it. His tongue does such wicked things to me and it feels amazing. I want to look at him, to tell let him know the pleasure he brings me, but I am afraid.

I never look at him when we make love, never make a sound, and my movements are minimal. If someone were to discover our relationship, I do not know what I would do. I need him now but it is wrong for us to be together.

My body betrays me. Its wants him so badly, wants him to make me come but I do not. That would make it much worse but I know it will happen soon. It always happens. I always give in to him.

He is the Kazekage, the greatest shinobi in all of Suna. I am a lowly chuunin. He deserves someone who can match his skills. He deserves a woman who can bear the children he will someday want. I can not give him any of those things, no matter how much I want to.

*

My Gaara.

I bring you to these horrid places so we can be together without the eyes of our comrades finding us. Just imagine what they would think of us is they knew, the looks they would give us.

It hurts knowing you are there on your knees of this alley when we should be in a bed, my bed or your bed... our bed.

I am not good enough for you and I never will be. What if you find someone stronger than I am? You could have any woman or even any man you want.

Why me? What is so special about me? I can not even use ninjutsu or genjutsu. You have power other shinobi could only dream of ever having. I have to work for mine and kills me inside because I know I will never be strong enough, never be fast enough, never be good enough.

If only you knew how these doubts hurt me. But even your strength and power could not save me from the pain. When you almost killed me did not hurt as much as this. Only your love can make it stop. But how long will you love me?

I know you love me, no matter how hard it is for you to understand. I love you too but still, I am afraid.

I have never had anyone to love me until Gai sensei and now you love me too. It over whelms me still that you could possibly love someone like me, someone so weak.

How long will you stay with me? How long until you grow tired me or find a woman that can give you what you will eventually want and need for your life to feel complete? Will your visits become shorter and farther apart until you've forgotten me completely?

Gaara, I need you now and forever. What if you can not give forever ever? I love you and trust you with my life. I could not bare it if you left me alone.

So many questions and what ifs run through my mind. It scares me that I have no answer for them. This adds to my shame.

There is nothing about me that is interesting or special. It feels as if I am keeping you from someone that is stronger, smarter, and better for you than me. I do not like living and know that that person could take you away from me at any time.

Now I am just being selfish.

I am sorry but I want you for myself, to hide you away where no one can find you. But I can not do that. You have every right to leave me for someone that is worthy of your love and affection. I can not keep you from that, no matter how much I want to.

Please gaara, I need to know that you will stay with me, please.

*

I look down at him when I feel his mouth release me cock. I watch as he tucks me back into my pants. I am confused. I have not come yet. Why did he stop?

He does not say anything. He just puts his hand on my neck and pulls me in for a kiss. I can not help but to respond. No matter how hard I try, I can not deny myself this one simple pleasure.

I reach for his hair as his hand takes mine and our fingers link.

I am getting light headed from the lack of air. I do not want to let go but his lips leave mine and they feel lonely.

I watch him through my half closed eyes. I know what he is going to say. I can already hear then words in my head. Then his lips move and its almost as if they are moving in slow motion.

"I love you."

I feel myself tense up before I answer. "I know." I can not say it back, not yet. Not until I know that I will be his forever but I show him in other ways, the way I look at him when we are not alone and the way I speak his name. He knows I love him without saying it but it will not always be enough. He will want to hear it spill past my lips.

His hand leaves my neck and he is now holding both of them, almost cradling them. Then he pulls me towards the crowded street. I held his hands tighter and felt sweat cling to my eye lashes. Is he really going to tell everyone like this?

Gaara's hand let go of mine as we walk out of the alley. I immediately wish he had not let go. I never want him to stop touching me.

I do not know where we are and I do not ask. I will know before long.

I can not believe where he is taking me. I look at him and want to ask him why but he shakes his head. I will know when he tells me.

Gaara immediately leads me to my own bedroom the moment I closed the door behind me. Now I know why we are here and I am afraid.

I watch him sit down on my bed before he pulls me onto his lap. I try to speak but he kisses me and I can not remember what I wanted to say. His kiss does that to me.

I unintentionally let a small noise out and I know he heard it. How could he not when I have never made a sound before?

Now he is laying me down underneath him. I am still ashamed and afraid but if what he plans to do helps me, then I will just have to trust him.