Beauty and the Bastard

It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining happily down, the clouds frolicking gaily about to the tune of the birds singing and the nearby stream babbling joyfully. The bright rays of Mr. Golden sun were casting the small clearing into brilliant illumination, the small cottage quaint and perfect. The small herd of goats loitering about the back door were cute, occasionally belting as a flock of chickens picked at the ground. The woodshed was stacked nicely, firm logs of timber prepared for the far off winter. The grass was an impossibly bright shade of green. It was beautiful, the epitome of a fantasy cottage. The autumn air was alive with life, happiness, and-

"Would you STOP hitting me over the head already!"

-yells of abuse between the two males inhabiting the small cottage. There was a series of loud crashes and thuds, swiftly followed by a loud bang as the poor front door was slammed open, a young blond boy barreling out, stumbling as he tried to put as much distance between himself and the house. Almost immediately following him was a much older and disheveled man, long white hair trailing down his back as he charged after the boy. The boy was holding a small frying pan, gripped like a club as he jumped away from the older man. The man had a large book in one hand, what looked like a half finished dress in the other.

"How about you stop trying to put me in that ridiculous get up!" the blond was yelling, dodging the old man as he lunged, effectively avoiding being tackled to the soft earth.

"It's not like I have anyone else to fit it!" the old man was yelling, pushing himself up swiftly and attempting to corner the boy by the side of the house. The animals by the back door all ran swiftly out of the, seemingly used to the energetically fighting duo. "Come on, Naruto! I need to get these out as soon as possible!"

The boy, presumably Naruto, hastily dodged the lunge from the old man, jumping over him as he lashed out with the frying pan. The man yelled loudly as the cooking device made perfect contact with his rear, getting him to shoot up and allowing the boy to run to the opposite side of the clearing. "Get one of the village chicks to do it!" Naruto bellowed, jumping about on the spot. "Hell! You talk them up enough! Why's it gotta be me?"

The old man growled, dropping the book and dress as he shot after Naruto, the boy immediately instigating a terribly performed game of tag about the clearing, hurling his frying pan in hopes to incapacitate his pursuer. "Because the whole point of chatting them up is to get them OUT of their clothes! Not put more on!" he bellowed, making a grab for the boy and missing, causing him to pitch forward. "Just let me fit the goddamn dress already!"

Naruto, using the time that the man picked himself up, was attempting to scramble up to the roof, one foot placed dangerously on the water barrel as the other attempted to find stability on a goat (the goat was not happy about this). "I'm not a woman!" Naruto shouted, face twisted between rage and concentration as his arms tried to find something to grip.

Unfortunately for the blond, the goat, having seen the old man charge at him (technically Naruto), immediately bolted, unbalancing the boy and causing him to tumble into the water barrel with a cry. The old man froze for a moment, watching as Naruto attempted to organize himself and haul himself from the water barrel, sputtering incoherently, before his great old frame shook with loud booming laughter.

"Shut up!" Naruto yelled, just as he managed to fall back inside the barrel, only causing the man to laugh even more.

Minutes later, Naruto had been hauled back inside the cottage, grumbling and occasionally lashing out with a futile punch. He was soaking wet, covered in a few scratches from his episode in the water barrel, and feeling extremely abused by his grandfather.

"But I don't wanna," the blond whined as he was thrown into his grandfathers arm chair, slumping unhappily.

"Stop whining, brat," the older man said, sounding exasperated as he went over to a horribly cluttered work bench. Naruto, in response, groaned and let himself slide miserably halfway down the chair, looking like a temper-mental child being told he couldn't go out and play.

"Jiraiyaaaaa!" Naruto whined loudly, throwing his arms about childishly. "Can't you just do something eeeelse? Why's it gotta be dresses?" In response he had a large box of mechanical parts thrown at his head. Groaning, he opened his eyes to glare at his grandfather, who was currently smirking over his workbench.

Jiraiya was an everything man. In other words, he made and did everything, from fixing cart horses to painting portraits to mending clothing. There was nothing he didn't do. Well, except cook, he left that to Naruto. And so it was that the old man was currently finishing the last of an order of dresses he had received from a few towns over. Naruto had, begrudgingly, obliged to help the old man with fitting the majority of them but there came a point when even he needed to keep some form of his masculinity intact. Like now.

"I'll squirm," the blond said, scowling at his grandfather, who didn't look up from the workbench, easily sewing up a hem.

"I'll stick you with needles and pins," Jiraiya retorted, not looking up at his blond grandson.

"I'll rip the seams," Naruto tried again, enjoying the frown his threat had elicited.

"I'll use you as my next test subject for the apothecary," Jiraiya retorted, glaring.

Naruto flinched. Even though Jiraiya was abysmal at cooking, he was excellent at brewing up remedies, a trade his childhood friend, Tsunade, had taught him. Naruto had fortunately been kept from testing his potions thus far, which was fortunate, considering some of them hadn't been exactly life saving as life taking.

"How many more dresses?" Naruto asked, finally relenting to the old man.

Jiraiya smiled, finally cutting the thin thread and shaking the now finished frock out, pleased with his handy work. "This is the last," he said, glancing over at his unhappy grandson.

The dress was very pretty, light blue with a white fringe. It had long sleeves, necessary for the womens work day, and a slightly low collars, enough to provide relief from heat but retain modesty. Overall, it was very nice.

Though that didn't make Naruto want to put it on any more than before. Fortunately, he had an idea.

"Oi, pervert," Naruto said, head jerking up as the idea struck him, no longer scowling. Jiraiya scowled as he looked at him, obviously not enjoying the familiar nick name. "I'll make you a deal," Naruto continued, enjoying the way Jiraiya seemed to perk up slightly at the prospect. "I'll wear you dress, give you the benefit of both seeing me as the granddaughter you've always wanted and be able to fix any problems IF," here Naruto's smirk widened and Jiraiya's dropped. "If you let me make ramen tonight."

Jiraiya loved and hated bargains. Loved them when they were beneficial to him and hated them when they weren't. This one was both. What Naruto was really suggesting was that he be allowed to go into town, probably to waste time doing whatever it was he always did in town before spending all together too much money on food and coming back late to trash the kitchen for dinner. But the food was worth it. Ramen was Naruto's favorite food, and, though the dish itself was nothing special, when Naruto made it, it was absolutely fantastic.

Sighing in defeat, at which Naruto gave a great whoop of joy, Jiraiya nodded before suddenly getting his own small idea and smirking. The smirk made Naruto's face breaking grin falter slightly. "On one condition," Jiraiya said, eyes glinting mischievously, making Naruto's insides twist like an angry monkey.

A half hour later, Naruto was grumbling to himself, a large basket hung over his shoulder as he stomped down the dirt path towards the town, kicking angrily at random branches and stones in his way. Though he had been allowed to go into town, he almost wished he hadn't even brought the idea up now, seeing as he'd never live this down. Then again, the villagers all knew Naruto and his grandfather were rather, to put it simply, odd. What with Jiraiya's multiple professions and Naruto's vividly blond hair and loud voice, they didn't exactly blend in.

Naruto cursed loudly as a large branch caught at the hem of his dress, causing him to trip. Yes, his dress. The condition Jiraiya had given him was that he had to wear one of the original models of dresses into town, to make him 'appreciate the feminine gender.' More like 'do what Jiraiya says next time before being subject to mass public humiliation.' The gress he was wearing was a pretty green, going nicely with his tan skin and blond hair, hugging his frame nicely.

Still grumbling to himself, Naruto continued down the now widening path, not paying attention to surroundings as he walked, passing the signposts and large stone marker designating the beginning of the village. It was a pleasant little community, most of the people living in town rather than out, providing a bakers, a tanners, blacksmith, silversmith, apothecary, and small pub. There was also a small market place which was open daily, the villagers perusing the items on sale with interest.

Naruto ignored them all as he went straight to the bakers, tuning out the whispers and disregarding the looks people shot him. Yes, he was a boy. Yes, he was wearing a dress. If they had a problem with that, they could go shove it. It wasn't like he wanted to be in womens clothing. It was humiliating, demoralizing, emasculating, and more large unhappy words.

"Naruto?"

The blond was snapped from his musings as the familiar voice cut through his thoughts. "Hey Shika," Naruto said absently, not really bothering to pay much attention to the usually lazy brunette as he perused the shelves of freshly baked bread.

"You're wearing a dress," Shikamaru said, eyes still slightly wide as he looked at the blond from his position slouched across the counter. Shikamaru was never one for expressing emotion, or caring about anything really. However, seeing his blond friend walk into the bakery wearing what was obviously a dress, and a nice one at that, had Shikamaru actually coming out of his daze.

Naruto paused in reaching for a loaf of bread to slowly turn his head to Shika, face blank as he looked at the spiky haired boy. "Anything else you'd like to point out?" he asked, feeling annoyed and embarrassed. Of course he knew he was in a dress. Did it really need to be pointed out to him? No, the answer was no.

Shikamaru took a moment for his brain to process the fact that his friend was in a dress, aware of the fact, and not attempting to kill someone. Sighing and letting himself fully settle back on top of the counter, Shikamaru gave the blond a lazy look. "Jiraiya?"

Naruto snorted. "Who else?"

Shikamaru said nothing, continuing to look at the blond. Naruto was, although strange, loud, and not exactly the best egg of the bunch, admittedly very attractive. It was well known that many of the girls in the village had small secret crushes. Secret because their vocal crush was for the village hero, Neji. Naruto was just the one they all admired but believed to be too odd. But he was undoubtedly attractive. Hell, Shikamaru had even heard some of the men down at the pub and restaurant speaking about him.

"It looks good on you," the lazy boy said, not bothering to move as he continued to look at his blond friend.

Naruto froze in mid action of reaching as far back in the shelf as he possibly could, fingers just brushing the farthest loaf of bread. It was by no means a comfortable position, on his toes with his entire body straining to get the last loaf, the wooden shelf cutting into his side. Jerkily, he turned to Shikamaru, face looking shocked and disgusted, blue eyes wide and tan face tinged slightly.

"It what?" Naruto rasped out, trying to fight down the sick feeling in his stomach.

Shikamaru shrugged, laying his head on his arms. "The dress looks good on you."

"I'm a man," Naruto deadpanned, trying to fight down the angry bubble in his throat, coaxing him to start screaming at the boy.

"In a dress," Shikamaru said, not bothering to show his amusement as he saw the blond try to control his vicious outbursts just below the surface. Watching Naruto try to control his temper was like watching someone try to fit a bear in a suitcase. "You pull it off nicely."

People outside the shop literally stopped in their steps, heads turning towards the small bakery as it practically blew up with shouting, a few loud crashes and more profanity than half of the town knew. Moment's later, a furious blond stormed from the building, smears of flour on his beautiful green dress and face, glaring death. Seeing the frozen villagers, Naruto felt his temper peak. Throwing himself wildly in frustration, he managed to shake some of the flour off of himself at the same time as further asserting the villagers beliefs that he was completely bizarre.

"WHAT!" Naruto bellowed at them, chest heaving as he stared daggers at their shocked faces. "Never seen a dress before!"

Not wanting to cause the blond to erupt further, all of the villagers swiftly hurried to their business, hoping to put as much distance between themselves and the furious blond as possible. Sighing and dragging a hand through his blond hair, Naruto tried to calm himself and wincing as he noticed the flour covering the dress. Jiraiya was going to kill him.

Looking down at his basket, Naruto remembered his purpose for coming into town, grumbling as he made his way towards the open market. People once again stared at him as he passed, double taking as they realized that the creature before them in a beautifully fitting dress was not female. Naruto glared at them. Arriving at the market, Naruto ignored the whispers, swiftly going over the food stalls as he picked up his ingredients, pilling them in the basket and paying swiftly. Finally, basket full, Naruto turned from the busy market, finally smiling as he made his way to his favorite store in town. Or building technically.

Pushing the door open to the small village library, Naruto bounded over to the man currently balancing on a large step ladder. "IRUKA!" Naruto yelled joyfully, causing the older man to start, losing his balance on the step ladder and grabbing onto the book shelf in support.

Glaring down at the over excited blond, Iruka attempted to steady himself. "Naruto! Don't startle people like that!"

Naruto frowned childishly up at the brunette, slouching over slightly as he pouted. "The bell rang. You should be more observant, Iruka," he grumbled out, feeling put out at being yelled at by the other.

Iruka sighed, finally managing to steady himself and finally dropping to the floor, a few books in his arms. Running a hand to push back a few stray hairs, Iruka looked up to the boy he practically considered a younger brother and blanched. Iruka was probably one of the few people in the village to accept Naruto and Jiraiya fully, not judging them on their odd antics or habits. This included indulging in Naruto's ramen obsession, looking over Jiraiya's many projects as well as pornography (the man was unbelievably perverted), and even taking care of them when they needed it. However, there were always times when even the crazy due managed to push the compassionate and understanding brunette to his limits.

"Naruto, are you wearing a dress?" Like now. Of course, Iruka knew that Jiraiya loved to make Naruto model his clothing, party because he delighted in irritating the boy and also because Naruto had an almost perfect body. The only thing which marred the boys immaculate gold skin was three faint scars on each cheek. Despite this knowledge though, Iruka had never thought Naruto would actually wear one of Jiraiya's creations in public.

Naruto huffed, letting his head fall back unhappily as he groaned. "Why is this such an immediate issue?" he moaned, head lolling to the side as his shoulders slumped dejectedly. "It's not my fault the old pervert gave me an ultimatum!" Practically oozing dramatics and morbidity, Naruto collapsed against one of the many book shelves, letting himself slide pitifully to the floor as he let out a whine.

"Beacuse you're wearing a dress, you idiot!" Iruka half yelled at the overdramatic boy, resisting the urge to flail his arms. "A boy wearing a dress isn't exactly an everyday occurrence!"

"It's not like I chose to do this!" Naruto snapped from the floor, glaring up at the exasperated brunette. "Jiraiya made me!"

Sighing at the futility of it all, Iruka ran a hand over his face. "Fine," he sighed, choosing to change the topic as soon as possible to get the blond to stop whining like a four year old. "What brings you into town today, Naru?"

Instantly, Naruto brightened, bouncing up from the floor like a super ball. "I'm making Ramen tonight!" he said excitedly, the now full basket of foods bouncing dangerously. "That and picking up supplies for the next few days. Jiraiya's going to a fair and I'm going to be on my own for a while. Just me, the house, and all the time I want."

Iruka frowned. He knew Jiraiya often went to other villages, selling his merchandise at fairs and markets while leaving Naruto home alone. Of course, the blond knew full well how to take care of himself, having done it for years now, but it still made Iruka uneasy.

"Do you want me to come stay with you?" the brunette asked nervously, giving the blond a concerned look. "Help you watch over the house, keep you company. I don't like the idea of you by yourself out there. What if something happens?"

Naruto rolled his eyes at the brunette. "Honestly, Iruka, I'll be fine. Besides, no one could even think about messing with me." Grinning like the idiot he was, he struck what would have been a manly pose had he not been wearing a clinging and extremely feminine womans dress. Iruka, despite his efforts, burst out laughing. Scowling, Naruto opened his mouth, dropping his pose to begin to yell at his surrogate brother when a new voice cut him short.

"Oh yes, you'd have intruders positively quaking in their boots in that get up."

Scowling still, Naruto spun to face the speaker, his voice dying in his throat as his eyes landed on a familiar figure. Scowl deepening, Naruto leaned back, taking a nonchalant pose as he faced the new arrival. "What do you want Hyuuga?"

Neji Hyuuga, one of the most sought after men in the village, if not the most sought after, stood proudly just inside the door way, smirking as his eyes traveled appreciatively over Naruto's form. The pale eyes raking over his skin made Naruto want to squirm uncomfortably as he resisted the urge to cover himself. Neji was tall, his beautiful long dark brown hair sweeping down his back elegantly as he held himself importantly. His pale face shone like marble, features carved and breathtaking. As he stood there, Naruto could almost hear the man's body screaming 'I'm sorry I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.'

"Simply enjoying the view, Naruto," Neji replied to Naruto's earlier query, his pale eyes shining deviously. "Are you really going to be home alone for so long? Unprotected and vulnerable and loney?" Naruto grit his teeth at the patronizing tone. "Tsk, tsk. You know, being the upstanding gentleman I am, I really shouldn't let you go through such misfortune."

Naruto tried to keep himself from breaking his jaw from clenching it so hard. "You're not coming anywhere near me, pervert," he ground out, voice low as it passed through his grinding teeth.

Neji clicked his tongue, striding into the room further, easily approaching the blond as Iruka was shoved against one of the shelves unceremoniously. "Is that really the proper way to treat someone so invested in your well being?" Neji asked, his voice dripping like honey as he backed Naruto against a shelf, the blonds eyes flashing angrily. "Why don't you just give up and relent to me already," Neji coaxed lowly, leaning in to Naruto's furious face, his breath ghosting against tan skin. Skin which had captured Neji's attention the moment the blond and his psychotic grandfather had come to the village. Skin which he had sworn would one day be his.

"Why don't you go outside and play hide and go fuck yourself?" Naruto growled out, blue eyes darkening in rage as the Hyuuga invaded his personal space well beyond reason.

"Hyuuga, I really don't think Naruto wants you half attempting to rape him in my library," Iruka said, having picked himself up and placing a firm hand on Neji's shoulder, the pressure making the other frown.

"Who asked you, book boy?" Neji snapped, spinning from his position to face Iruka, his pale eyes narrowed to slits in anger as he shoved Iruka across the room once again, the brunette stumbling and falling into a large bookshelf, causing it to rock, emptying the large volumes on top of the poor man.

"Iruka!" Naruto yelled, immediately moving towards the book buried man only to be slammed back into the book shelf by a strong pale arm. He glowered up at his smirking captor as Neji once again leaned down towards him.

"Stop fighting me, my blond beauty," Neji purred seductively as his eyes slid to half mast, his breath puffing against Naruto's face hotly. "I can give you anything you want. Riches, food, clothes, anything. I'll be all yours and you all mine. Do you have any idea how many women would kill to be you?"

Naruto growled low in his throat, the obviously masculinity of the sound causing the Hyuuga to shiver excitedly. "Then go seduce one of them," Naruto ground out, pressing himself as far as he could into the book case away from Neji.

"You're already wearing a dress," Neji said, a hand moving from it's position beside Naruto's head to glide down the blonds side, making the boy shudder in revulsion. "What else is there for me to want? Though I suppose you without it would be better."

"I'm not a woman!" Naruto spat, leaning his head back as far as he could away from Neji's approaching mouth.

"I know," Neji smirked, watching in delight as he finally closed the distance between them, his lips claiming the blonds forcefully. Finally feeling the contact, he moaned as he felt the soft mouth against his, keeping Naruto's head in place by threading his fingers into soft blond hair and gripping tightly. Naruto gave a noise of protest, his body jerking against Neji as he attempted to jerk away, simply exciting the brunette further as he pressed himself completely against the smaller boy, trapping him against the book shelf.

Unfortunately for Neji, his triumph was to be short lived as Naruto's knee finally managed to rocket upwards straight into the Hyuuga's prized jewels. Pale eyes shooting wide in shock and unimaginable pain, he jerked away from Naruto, hands flying to clutch as his abused nether regions as he all but crumpled to the floor in agony. Fuming, Naruto disgustedly wiped his mouth the with back of his hand, spitting on the floor as his blue eyes blazed at the temporarily incapacitated man before him.

Not bothering to waste time glaring at the agonized man on the floor, Naruto swiftly passed him to the pile of books known as Iruka, quickly throwing the volumes away as he attempted to get to his friend. After a moment, the pile of books moaned and shifted, signifying life. "Iruka!" Naruto yelled, worriedly, doubling his efforts to dig out the man.

"Naruto, don't yell! I'm right here!" Iruka snapped angrily, pushing himself from the mound of books and clutching at his head, books falling off of him as he gave Naruto an annoyed look. Naruto smiled sheepishly before giving him a swift hug.

"Alright, I'm gonna head home," the blond said quickly, scampering across the room to his dropped basket of food and snatching it up. Turning to the slowly recovering Hyuuga he scowled, usually happy face furious. "Next time, I'll make sure you can never have children," he growled, eyes icy as they looked at the Hyuuga.

Neji made no movement aside from growling painfully at the blond as he watched the tan beauty rush from the room, disappearing as the door swung closed with a small tinkling of the bell. It didn't matter what Naruto said, one day he would be Neji's whether he liked it or not.

Not bothering to take his time enjoying the autumn day and scenery, Naruto practically ran back to the small cottage he and Jiraiya shared, make sure all of his purchases remained in the basket as he plunged through the overgrowth. Panting as he finally burst into the clearing, Naruto didn't stop until he had bolted inside and slammed the basket down on the table, pausing for a moment to make sure nothing was damaged before racing upstairs to his room. Jiraiya watched in wonder as his grandson tore through the house, green dress flapping about his long legs as he pounded up the stairs.

"Never again!" Naruto yelled as he charged up the creaky old steps, face flushed from exertion. "Never again am I wearing a dress!"

Jiraiya grinned in amusement as he heard the blond stomp down the hall and a door slam, signifying that Naruto had finally reached his room. Minutes later, a much calmer Naruto, dressed in his usual loose tunic and leather pants came down the stairs, sighing contentedly. Dropping the green dress on the workbench in front of Jiraiya Naruto sighed, running a hand through his wild blond hair.

"You know," Jiraiya said, picking up the garment and checking it for the inevitable rips, tears, and stains. "I wouldn't put you in womans clothing all the time if you didn't look so damn girly."

Naruto practically exploded in anger, spitting like a grease fire as he pointed indignantly at his grandfather. "I do not look girly!" he practically screaming, almost hopping on the spot in rage. "I'm perfectly manly, you old coot!"

Ignoring his grandson, Jiraiya walked from the workbench, disappearing to the usual mess in the supply closet, waving the blond off with a disinterested hand. "Go prove it and chop some lumber then," he said airily, delighting as Naruto let forth a stream of insults and curses before stomping from the cottage, grumbling about perverts and irresponsible adults.

Naruto had barely been outside for twenty minutes before there was a sharp knock on the door, causing Jiraiya to scowl in annoyance as he was interrupted from his work. Knowing that Naruto would be out back chopping the necessary wood, Jiraiya shuffled over to the front door, calling out to the visitor to keep their pants on. Grumbling to himself, the old man opened the door to the handsome and slightly frowning face of one Hyuuga Neji, who stood importantly at the doorstep as if he owned it.

"What do you want?" Jiraiya demanded, not at all enjoying being interrupted from his important work.

"Is Naruto here?" Neji asked, trying not to flinch as he shifted his weight, the memoir the blond had left him shooting with pain for a moment.

Jiraiya frowned at him. "What do you want with the brat?" he asked, eyeing the pale man suspiciously. He knew for a fact Naruto was not exactly unwanted in the village, the blond having inherited his fathers dashingly good looks.

Neji drew himself up to his full height, putting on a charming smile for the old coot before him. "I got in a slight argument with him and I'd like to apologize. We both did and said things which I believe we both regret."

Jiraiya raised an eyebrow before turning and closing the door in the others face, hollering towards the back of the house. "NARUTO! YOU HAVE A VISITOR BRAT!"

Neji heard a loud series of swears and complaints, a door slamming followed by a series of stomps before the door before him was once again wrenched open, revealing the blond beauty who had so unceremoniously attempted to castrate him earlier. "Hello again, Naruto," he said, smiling pleasantly as he put as much sugar into his voice as possible without vomiting.

Naruto's eyes widened for a moment, mouth open as he looked up at Neji before he let out a furious yell, slamming the door in the brunettes face, practically shaking the hinges.

"Naruto!" Neji yelled, beginning to lose his patience as he began to knock at the door insistently.

"Go away, pervert!" Naruto yelled from somewhere in the house, followed by the loud guffaw from his grandfather.

Neji scowled darkly, now pounding on the door. "You can't keep saying no forever!" he yelled, his temper flaring as he was denied his desires.

The door suddenly was wrenched open again, revealing a completely irate Naruto, eyes blazing as he looked back at Neji. Neji, for his part, was temporarily shocked. Anger looked extremely good on Naruto, his blond hair wild around his wild face, eyes alive and blazing as his skin practically radiated, a portion of a smooth chest visible through the collar of the white tunic. Naruto was holding a large bucket, the edges of his sleeves damp and clinging to his thin and elegant wrists, making Neji's mouth water.

"Watch me," Naruto growled, bringing Neji sharply back to reality just as the blond hurled the icy cold water at the proud boy, thoroughly drenching and shocking him as Naruto smirked, slamming the door once again in the now sopping boys face.