Broke Straight Guys

Broke Straight Guys

Please enjoy.

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Hot Coffee

0o0

The coffee shop was a nice one, located somewhere near the heart of uptown Konoha. It had a spacious layout, likely attributed to the fact that all the action happened behind one small counter, the line that gathered in front of it rarely fluctuating from a five person average. It was an establishment of sleeper renown, where delightful drinks could be served to those who knew how to find it and a kinship had been established between regulars. Newcomers, often acquired during the rush hours of morning business, were treated pleasantly and soon became repeat customers privy to special events, like the Wednesday night poetry readings for the artistically inclined and cringe-inducing Karaoke Saturdays that were mostly populated by drunks trying to get past their impending hangovers. The staff, all of whom were wearing matching brown aprons with a steaming white coffee cup stitched directly over their clavicle seemed to have no problem with the semi-constant workload. The air was alive with rich coffee scents that one who was accustomed to instant coffee could scarcely believe, the freshly ground beans a far cry from the pungent powder mix. Around the café were little tables, set up to accommodate one or two people with time to kill, but no more than that. Those who came in groups were expected to put them together. Overall, it was well put-together.

It was here that the construction worker waited for the man who was supposed to join him, checking his watch intermittently. He’d arrived fifteen minutes early, his personal habit of thinking it would be disrespectful to be even a minute late taking complete charge over him. He adjusted his collar nervously, feeling out of sorts in the dress shirt. He would’ve liked to wear something more his style, but he didn’t want to seem like a total slob. Gay guys were picky about fashion, or so he’d heard. The last thing he needed was to get ripped a new one for choosing comfort over class. In the off chance he changed his mind, he was wearing another shirt underneath it, this one more suitable for his tastes. It never hurt to have a backup plan.

He wondered if his breath was decent. He popped a piece of mint gum in his mouth. How was his hair? He discreetly touched it up in the reflection off a napkin holder. And his personal odor? Glancing about quickly to ensure he was unwatched, he quickly sniffed at his armpit. It wasn’t rank, but it could stand to be a bit fresher. Perhaps he should’ve used some Axe before he went out, but he had strictly saved that for rendezvous with his now ex-girlfriend. It was supposed to drive women wild. (When it came to her, the results were extremely mixed, usually in direct correlation with how much he’d put on that evening where a light spritz had her cuddling up and anything more than that ended up with her ditching him as soon as she was upwind.) Considering that he and Sakura were no longer together, he supposed that there was no point in keeping that rule anymore. He sniffed again. Yeah, definitely could’ve done with the Axe.

Wait—why was he obsessing about this? This wasn’t like a date or anything. He was simply having coffee, like any other normal person does: with a gay guy he barely knew and had slept with for money. Hopefully their meeting wouldn’t be as awkward as the setup implied. Otherwise, things could get ugly fast.

What if he brought up the Broke Straight Guys shoot? True, that wasn’t something that decent folk would bring up in a civil conversation, but he didn’t know enough about the other man to be making assessments of his personality just yet. Then Naruto realized that he had completely overlooked a crucial part of their meeting: the dialogue. What did gay guys talk about? If popular media was to be believed, their lives were built upon a solid foundation of fashion, gossip, and classic movies. And sex with other men. That too. Somehow, he didn’t think that a dissection of the latest football drafts were in the cards. Was there any middle ground to be found or would they be stuck on weather for however long this little get-together was supposed to last? Then again, with fashion and gossip, it would be just like talking to a girl. Perhaps he could employ the same strategy he’d always used in that situation—minus the thoughts of how he was going to get the person of interest into the sack, naturally—and he could coast by on smiling and nodding at irregular intervals.

No, that was stupid. Gaara wasn’t a girl, no matter how much he looked like Sakura.

But what about if he accidentally touched his hand or brushed his leg against Gaara’s? Would he think that he was coming on to him? What if Gaara liked him? What if Gaara thought that this was supposed to be a date that had a ‘happy ending’? Oh god—what if Gaara liked him and turned out to be part of the gay mafia or something and got mad when he found out this wasn’t a date and then he stabbed him and dragged him back to his secret lair and tied him up and had sex with him and then put his feet in quick-drying cement and dumped him into the nearest river?

Naruto felt himself break out into a nervous sweat. There was no such thing as a gay mafia, right? And if there was, what were the odds of a shy guy like Gaara being in it?

The door to the café opened, a tiny bell signaling that there was a new customer. He walked up to Naruto, who was lost deep in thought.

“Hey…”

“Nobuttsex!” Great. He was already putting his foot in his mouth.

Gaara cocked his eyebrow at him. “What?”

“I, uh, said ‘no back tax’. I was considering buying a house. Sometimes I think out loud.” Lying was bad, that much he had been told a billion and one times in kindergarten, but in this case the truth wouldn’t set him free under any circumstances. He chuckled feebly to try and make up for it.

“…Okay?” Girls complained about the cute guys being gay. Experience taught Gaara that the cute guys he was interested in almost always turned out to be freaks of one sort or another. He had been hoping that Naruto wouldn’t be like the rest. His barest hopes were that he got at least a friend out of this. “You look… nice.”

“I’m overdressed, aren’t I?” Gaara was wearing a white graphic tee and jeans designed solely to accentuate the shape of his legs. He felt like that trained orangutan that Poe wrote about compared to him.

“A little.”

“I was afraid of that.” He took off the stuffy shirt, revealing a sleeveless orange tee from his high school cross-country days. Orange had been one of the school’s colors and he’d had quite a bit of school spirit, so a good deal of his wardrobe still consisted of that particular shade. “Better?”

Gaara gulped and nodded. Heart fluttering at a mile a minute, he wondered if Naruto would catch him in those magnificent arms of his if he happened to swoon. They were toned to a point of unbelievable perfection, the biceps and triceps equal to one another and his forearms were covered in a light dusting of golden hair. He had never really gone for the buff (or even the slightest bit hairy, most of his exes waxed religiously) type before. He also hadn’t had much luck with the guys he usually dated, so perhaps this was just what the doctor ordered.

‘Oh fudgemonkies. I should’ve thought this through more. What am I thinking, taking off my shirt in front of a gay guy? I mean, he only slept with me for the money, but still…’ Naruto knew that cat with a bowl of cream look anywhere. “Let’s go order.”

Gaara snapped out of his trance. He couldn’t be getting too attached to this straight guy. If there was a god, then he was a sadistic bastard to be tempting him so. “Right.”

They approached the counter in unison and the girl working the register perked up at the sight of Gaara. “Hey! It’s been forever and a day since the last time I’ve seen you!”

“I got busy,” Gaara gave as way of explanation.

Naruto was smitten. He thought all fag hags were plain, frumpy women, but this girl was insanely cute. Her eyes were a warm chocolate brown that sparkled with life that matched her fit little form—he did mean little, she couldn’t be more than five-foot-three—and he weighed his options of making himself look like an idiot trying to get her phone number or taking the risk of asking Gaara for it when they went back to their table and owing him in a major way.

“Hi,” he said.

The girl’s eyes darted between him and Gaara, sliding into a vulpine smile. “Well, hello there, Mr. Muscles. Is this why you’ve been ‘busy’, Gaara?”

“Tenten, this is Naruto Uzumaki and no, it’s not. Can I have my regular?”

“Of course, dear. And what does this studly fellow over here want?”

Naruto grinned. He loved having his ego stoked. “How about black coffee and your digits?”

“Well, give me a moment to think about it while I make your order, why don’t ‘cha?” she teased. “It won’t take more than a minute.”

Tenten drifted from machine to machine to fulfill the request and Naruto noticed that her hair was pulled into a twisting bun at the back of her head, secured by a pin with a rhinestone-studded butterfly pin. Yum. He heard that girls who wore hair ornaments were good in bed. He didn’t know or care about where the correlation came from, but he was in sore need of a love life right now. When she placed their orders before them, she smiled at him again.

“That’ll be ten twenty-three.”

“Damn, this place is expensive! It’s coffee, not gold!” Naruto couldn’t refrain from bursting out. A budget was the last thing a girl needed to know about a potential mate.

“I’ll pay for it, as thanks for inviting me out like this.” Gaara handed over the money before Naruto could protest.

As Tenten scraped the change out of the cash tray, she asked, “So, have you let him in the back door yet, Gaara?”

Naruto didn’t miss the implication. “Wait, what?”

“I thought you usually went for the pale, sickly-looking type. I’m glad to see that you’re trying something new.”

Gaara blushed heavily. He had a feeling this wouldn’t be the first or last time this mistake would be made. “This is Naruto, my straight friend.”

Tenten peered at him curiously. “You’re joking.”

“I can have straight friends, can’t I? I don’t sleep with every man I come across, you know.” Gaara huffed and picked up his drink.

“He’s not even bi?”

“No, I like boo—women.” Naruto was glad he’d caught a nearly disastrous slip of the tongue. Saying boobies in front of a girl he was meeting for the first time was not the correct tactic to make her interested. He’d had to learn that the hard way.

“That’s a shame…” Tenten tutted. “I suppose I might as well give you my number.” She scribbled it on the back of their receipt and handed it over to them. “Call me.”

“I most certainly will.” He slipped the number into his pocket.

“So we’re still on for Tuesday, right?” she asked Gaara.

“Of course.”

“I’ll pick you up.” She kissed him on the cheek, ignoring the disgruntled customers in the line behind the two men. “Later, whore.”

“Bye.” He quickly turned away with the intention of retreating back to the safety of his table.

Tenten wouldn’t have any of it. “What, too afraid to say it because your cute straight buddy is here?”

“Goodbye, Tenten!” He hustled faster.

“Men... They turn into macho bags of testosterone when their masculinity is challenged.” Tenten rolled her eyes at Naruto, shrugging. “Am I right?”

“…Sure?” Always agree with girls. It was the first rule of gender relations.

“Be nice to him, okay?”

“Can I please order?” the woman behind Naruto griped.

“Just give me a few more seconds, ma’am—anyway…” Her warm eyes went sharp. “Gaara’s feelings are like delicate little flowers and so help me god, if I hear that you’ve been stomping on those flowers, I’ll show you why I’m the Tri-state Sharp-Shooting Champion.”

Naruto laughed nervously and made haste back to the safety of the table. Maybe he should reconsider calling her.

“Did Tenten threaten you?” Gaara asked, all too familiar with the look on Naruto’s face. Several of his exes had sported the exact same one.

“Is she really a sharp-shooting champion?”

“And an axe-throwing champion too. I’m surprised she didn’t mention it.”

Naruto shivered. He would never double-cross a woman like that. Skull integrity was important to him and an axe to the frontal lobe wasn’t the best way to maintain it. “Is she… normal when you’re not involved?”

“You mean, if you took her on a date.” Gaara suppressed the hurt, but he knew he shouldn’t have expected Naruto to be interested in him as anything more than a friend in the first place. There were other guys out there. He just had to find the right one.

“Yeah.”

“It depends on her mood. Most of the time she’s nice, though. She likes sports too. Football and all that.” Naruto’s eyes brightened upon hearing this and Gaara wanted to do nothing but sulk. Why did straight men have to get so stupid around girls? “And yes, she does like beer and cars.”

“Awesome.”

She could be the best girlfriend he’d ever had. Not that he’d ever had many. Unless you counted the girls in elementary school. He was a fantastic playboy as a child—a ‘playkid’, if you will. After he hooked up with Sakura, there weren’t really other women in his mind except for the fantasy girls in Playboy and Maxim he would never have outside of his dream life. Tenten was pretty damn good, even if her cleavage could be rated a B- at best, but he didn’t mind. He’d always found himself to be an ass-man. Boobs were nice, but anyone could fix those up with a bit of silicone. An ass was about as natural as it got. Either you had it or you didn’t.

“…Naruto?”

“Buhwuh?”

“You were starting to space out. And, um… You’re drooling a little.” Gaara pointed at the wet trail of saliva that was coming out of the corner of the blonde’s agape mouth.

The blonde quickly wiped it away. “Sorry. I should be paying attention to you.”

“It’s fine.” He was used to being ignored, passed up by others for someone who was more attractive or sociable. No matter how old he got, he could never get over his shyness towards people he didn’t know well.

“So, what’d you get?” Naruto had been too busy staring at the possibly insane but strangely hot cashier to have listened when Gaara ordered. It sat prettily in his cup, covered with whipped cream and flakes of chocolate. “Looks good.”

Gaara blushed, that pretty shade of pink that reminded Naruto of Sakura so much, and said, “Hot chocolate. I’m not a big fan of coffee.” Lowering his eyes, he added, “You can try it.”

“Really? Thanks!” Naruto picked up the cup with his big, work-worn hands and took a sip. He licked a spot of whipped cream off his lip and returned the cup. “It’s good.”

Gaara took the cup and drank from the same spot Naruto had, permitting himself this one indirect kiss. “This is why I come here.”

“I’ll have to remember this place for later.”

Naruto swallowed a mouthful of fragrant coffee. He had never had coffee that tasted good. Truth be told, he didn’t even like coffee that much, he just needed it to wake himself up early to go to work. Caffeine was what he’d searched for, not flavor and he surpassed pre-ground beans to go straight to instant coffee, which was as bitter and flavorless as it got. He had assumed that all coffee was like that. This place had a good shot of changing his opinion.

“So… Construction work, right?”

“Yes indeed.” This was a subject he could handle. “Been doing it since I was fifteen. Sometimes I do roads in the colder months provided that the weather holds up and houses when the housing season starts, but if there’s no work for either then I take the late shift at a convenience store keeping the crazies out the register. I’ve only been shot at twice.”

Gaara wondered how many worksites he’d walked by in the past without knowing that the blonde could be on them—wait, had he said he’d been shot at only twice? What the hell kind of life did he lead where he could say that so nonchalantly?

“How about you? What does a guy like you do for a living?” Naruto wondered if he had been too offhanded about his statement. What if Gaara thought that he meant ‘so what do queers work as other than makeup artists and hairstylists?’ He didn’t mean it that way, but he supposed that it could come off as that and then Gaara would hate him and call the gay mafia on him and he would be sleeping with the fishes… He didn’t want to sleep with fish! Especially not if it was going to be permanent!

Once Gaara thought Naruto had stopped spacing out enough, he said, “I’m finishing up my bachelor’s degree, but I work in a restaurant to pay the bills.”

“Oh? As what? Server?” Naruto knew from firsthand experience that waiting tables at a restaurant was one of the shittiest jobs in the food service chain of business. He had been a wage slave at an abomination of a restaurant (Denny’s, to be exact) for about a month, listening to people who were actually stupid or drunk enough to eat there complain about their food being cold or giving them explosive diarrhea, getting paid minimum wage, and not receiving nearly enough tips to make it an even remotely worthwhile nine-to-five.

“I seat people at their tables and handle reservations.”

“A doorman, then.” The job seemed to fit the redhead. He wished he could’ve been a doorman. He still probably would’ve quit, though.

“My boss calls us doorwhores.”

Naruto chuckled. “Sounds like you’ve got some interesting people you work with.”

“Ugh, you don’t even know the half of it. My boss is a drunk and she always blames me when the doorwoman doesn’t show up—mind you, the girl I share my shift with almost never comes to work because she’s either recovering from a hangover or partying or just doing something else entirely and makes up some bullshit lie to explain why she’s not there and when she does bother to show up, she’ll make mistakes with reservations and give away VIP tables twenty minutes before the guest arrives and I’m left to clean up after her. She needs to get fired.” Gaara huffed, stirring his cocoa in anger. “Then we’ve got the waiters and they’re all uppity bastards who like to gloat that they get tips and I don’t, plus one of them is a homophobe and I have to deal with that crap every damn day—and did I mention that our sous chef is a convicted felon?”

“You’ve got to be shitting me.”

“Armed robbery and attempted murder.”

“No way.”

“He had friends in the penal system, so he got a short sentence. I seriously do not feel safe with him in the kitchen.”

Naruto laughed aloud joyfully. “You talk a lot more when you’re worked up, huh?”

Gaara blushed, having not realized that he’d gone on a tangent. For the most part, it was only his close friends who could get him to open up like that. “Sorry…”

“No, it’s alright. I like listening to you.” His smile was a ray of sunshine, radiant and calming. “I thought this get-together would be kinda boring because you were so shy when I met you, but I’m glad I decided to come. You’re a ton of fun once you get past that introverted shell, aren’t you?”

“I wouldn’t necessarily say that…” Sure, he’d had his wild moments, but he didn’t consider himself to be ‘a ton of fun’. When things got too wild, he was often the fun-killer. At least, that’s what Tenten and Matsuri always said right after he dragged the wasted girls to his car before they did something they regretted (if they hadn’t already).

“You’re a cool fellow in my book, Gaara.”

“Thank you…” He squeezed his cup out of nervousness and it was then that Naruto noticed how immaculate Gaara’s hands were. They were slender and soft-looking, the cuticles neat and nails trimmed. His hands seemed like unkempt bear paws in comparison.

“Your hands are really nice,” he marveled. “You’re into that whole metrosexual scene?”

“Y-yeah, I am. It makes me feel clean.”

“That’s cool. I’ve wanted to do that before, but I felt stupid when I tried it. I guess I’m just not one of those guys.” Actually, Sasuke had walked in on him soaking his hands in warm water to soften the cuticles, called him a fag, and he hadn’t dared to try again since. Come to think of it, he had yet to confront the brunette about being a gay porn star and how hypocritical he was. He’d have to do that once he got home.

“I have a good lotion you might like if you want to try again. You can borrow it sometime.” It gave them a reason to meet again.

“Nah, I kinda like them the way they are,” Naruto said, blissfully unaware of how utterly he’d dashed Gaara’s hopes. “So you’re a student? What are you studying to become?”

It was times like this that he didn’t like discussing his school life. His major was far from manly. “Masseuse…”

“Seriously? You gotta give me a massage sometime. My back’s usually killing me after work.”

The redhead was sent straight to heaven. He had succeeded in not only obtaining permission to ask him out again, but to have him take off his shirt as well! If that wasn’t a jackpot, then he didn’t know what was. “Yeah, I can do that. Give me a call and we’ll work something out.”

“How does a Friday evening sound? That’s the day I work the hardest so I can get let off early. Not this Friday or next, though, I already have plans.”

“Like I said before, call me.”

“Then I will.”

The rendezvous had been successful.

I0I0I0I0I

Since they were heading in the same direction upon exiting, they walked together without talking about anything in particular. They both were happy at how things had turned out and nothing could make this perfect day sour. Except a big, fat dark cloud.

“Who the hell is this?”

Both men turned around. A fuming brunette stood there with his arms crossed, patiently waiting an answer to his question. Gaara immediately tensed at Naruto’s side. In that gesture he saw Sakura, afraid but not willing to admit it and he quickly stepped in on the redhead’s behalf.

“Who the hell are you, if you don’t me asking?” Naruto lightly put his hand on Gaara’s shoulder for—protection? Stabilization? Who knows?

“I’m Gaara’s boyfriend, you needledick bear!” the man snapped, looking at him with utter disgust.

“Ex-boyfriend,” Gaara quickly corrected him. He didn’t like being associated with Sai.

“I can see why.” Naruto’s hand tightened on Gaara’s shoulder slightly. He knew the redhead was capable of handling this himself, but he would be there in case things got ugly.

“Get out of here, Sai. Don’t make me call the cops again. You’ll be going to jail this time.”

“I don’t know why you keep bothering with the police. You still love me.”

“You sure have a funny definition of love,” Gaara spat. “I swear to god, if I see you trying to peep though my bathroom window one more time—”

“You won’t let me in and you changed the locks! What am I supposed to do?” Sai was honestly outraged. It took a special brand of crazy to believe the things he did.

“Leave me alone, you selfish mancunt!”

Sai switched his targets. “You didn’t know that Gaara was with me, did you? But you understand, right? If you back off, then everything will be okay.”

“You’re harassing my friend, so I will not back off,” Naruto growled.

“Friend? So you can’t even call him your boyfriend? Wow. That’s pathetic. Really pathetic.” Sai looked like he pitied him.

“Goddammit, I’m not gay!”

“Come on, Gaara. Let’s leave this closet case and his tiny prick behind, go back to old times.” Sai spread his arms outward in a gesture of peace, giving the blonde a particularly nasty look.

“We’re leaving, Naruto.”

Gaara turned around and began to walk away. Sai grabbed him by the arm. “You’re not going anywhere.”

Reflexes working faster than his mind, Naruto broke Sai’s grip and wrapped his hand around the brunette’s throat, slamming him into the wall of the building next to them. Sai’s face went red from lack of oxygen as Naruto added his other hand to the choking grip. “If you can’t fucking forget about him, then I’ll beat you until you do, understand?”

“D-dickless l-loser…”

Naruto smashed him against the wall a second time. “I swear to god if I hear a single thing about you fucking with him again, I will end you.”

He let Sai fall to the pavement and brusquely walked away with Gaara hurrying at his side. It was a while before they spoke again.

“I’m sorry about that,” said Gaara.

“It’s not your fault. Some people need to have sense knocked into them.”

Obsessive guys like that pissed him off so much. Sakura had once had a stalker that sent her love letters in her locker every day and at first she’d found it flattering, but the messages got gradually more disturbing, so Naruto hunted the guy down and dealt with it himself. Everyone was on tenterhooks at the time because another girl with an obsessed boyfriend had ended up killing her a few weeks earlier. No one should have to go through that.

At that moment, Gaara wanted nothing more than to hug the man’s muscular arm, but he kept it to himself. Without even trying, they found themselves in front of Naruto’s apartment. He felt suddenly bashful.

“I had a good time today,” Naruto said.

“Me too.”

“I’ll be sure to call you. Or you can call me if you want to do something other than give me a massage.”

“Sounds good.”

“Bye.”

“Bye.”

Naruto went inside. Gaara was so overjoyed that he couldn’t help starting to skip home gaily with a smile from ear to ear. He went on a date with a cute straight boy. (He knew that technically it wasn’t one, but he liked to think of it that way.) The aforementioned cute straight boy seemed to like him—as a friend, he sternly reminded himself. The cute straight boy put his ex-boyfriend in a stranglehold for him. For once, he’d been glad to meet someone at Broke Straight Guys. Maybe he should try expanding his horizons more.

All he knew was: he had a massage to give and it was going to be the best ever.

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Until next time...

~YamiTenshi~