Altering Affection

A Few Weeks Earlier…

Pain blazed down Lee’s arm as he blocked another blow. Lee breathed with it and let it roll through him. Then with an easy grace, Lee threw himself forward, planted a hand on the dojo floor, flipped behind his opponent, and spun to land a kick.

“Excellent!” Lee praised, stopping his leg so that his foot barely touched the student’s side. “That was much better than last time, Ty. Let’s reset.”

“Yes, Sensei!” the blond boy intoned and obeyed. Lee grinned. There were few things better than sparring with an enthusiastic pupil. They moved into position.

“Begin!” Lee commanded.

Around the room, other students sparred and practiced, Gai-sensei wandering among all of them, moving bodies, praising technique, correcting stances. Lee loved the Saturday class and was always happy when Gai-sensei asked him to help teach. It earned Lee some extra cash – though he constantly told Gai-sensei that he was paid entirely too much for just a few hours here and there – and allowed him more time in the dojo. Sometimes after class Lee got to help Gai-sensei clean and then work in the garden, which made for the perfect Saturday in Lee’s opinion.

After another thirty minutes that passed entirely too quickly, Gai clapped his hands loudly.

“Wonderful!” Gai-sensei praised.

The entire class stopped and assembled into a line without being asked. Lee moved to stand near the entrance, his posture as rigid as any of the students’.

“What have we done today?” Gai asked.

“Youthful training, Gai-sensei!” the class intoned, some grinning, some serious. Every one of them was used to this little ritual, and Lee never tired of it.

“And what will you do until next week?”

“Youthful practice, Gai-sensei!”

Gai beamed and gave the class an enthusiastic thumbs-up.

“Class dismissed!”

“Thank you, Gai-sensei!” They bowed and then immediately scattered to gather gear and belongings, chattering all the while.

“Lee,” Gai called. “Could you roll the mats, please?”

“Of course, Gai-sensei!” Lee moved to begin straightening up and Gai turned to say good-bye to each student as he or she left. Lee was always moved by Gai-sensei’s sincere devotion to all of his students.

Lee rolled the mats, stored practice gear, and slid open the back door to the dojo and began to sweep. He hummed while he worked, happy in his Saturday routine. His muscles ached and he could use a shower, but his mind was completely at peace.

An hour later and Gai-sensei was not back to help Lee finish up. Unconcerned, Lee shrugged the thought away. Perhaps his sensei got side-tracked in the front office. Looking around at the clean dojo, Lee walked to the front and began to lower the bamboo shades over the wall of windows.

On the third shade, Lee stopped suddenly and stared.

From where Lee stood, he could clearly see Gai-sensei resting against the trunk of one of the shade trees in front of his house. His arms were loosely crossed, his posture relaxed. The front of his gi was open slightly, exposing throat and upper chest.

Leaning on one hand next to him was Kakashi: Gai-sensei’s old friend and – rumor had it – training partner from many years ago. That in itself wasn’t terribly unusual – Kakashi often stopped by the dojo to see Gai, and Lee knew the men were friends.

But Kakashi usually didn’t stand so close to Lee’s mentor. And he usually didn’t artfully lean in to whisper something directly in Sensei’s ear or run one hand casually down Gai-sensei’s bicep. Lee’s mouth went dry as he watched Gai-sensei roll his head and laugh at whatever Kakashi said. Lee could see Kakashi’s profile and saw the man grin and lean back in to whisper something else. The gray-haired man’s body shifted closer and Gai-sensei didn’t move. Instead he inclined his head toward his friend, body language welcoming the invasion of personal space.

Without warning, reason, or precedent, Lee saw red.

Before Lee’s brain could catch up to his body, he was away from the windows, out the door of the dojo, and standing on the path that led to the tree.

“Gai-sensei!” Lee called, his voice sounding strangled even to his own ears. Kakashi turned, surprised, but didn’t move away from Gai-sensei. Lee ground his teeth together and walked closer to the men.

“Lee?” Gai said. “What’s wrong?” Gai pushed away from the tree, his face a mask of concern.

“I…” Lee faltered and it hit him that he’d just interrupted something…private. That he’d spied on his sensei and then barged in without thinking. Curiosity and confusion as to why he’d done that followed closely on the realization’s heels. What the hell was he doing?

Lee looked helplessly from Gai-sensei’s concerned face to Kakashi’s neutral expression and swallowed.

“Are you hurt?” Gai walked over to Lee and grasped his upper arms, inspecting Lee’s face. Lee suppressed a whimper, and he didn’t even know why.

“N-no, Sensei, I am not hurt.” His mind spun frantically and finally landed on a flimsy excuse.

“I apologize, Gai-sensei. I saw Kakashi and hoped to ask him how Naruto is enjoying London.” There’s no way he’s buying this. Lee gulped.

Gai’s expression relaxed somewhat, but now he looked confused. “I see,” he said. “So you’re okay?”

Lee nodded entirely too enthusiastically.

“Okay, then.” Gai’s gaze lingered on Lee for a few more seconds before he finally released his student and turned to Kakashi. “I’ll be in the office. Stop by before you leave?”

“Sure,” Kakashi said and smiled. Gai turned and headed to the front office, and Lee breathed a sigh of relief.

It was short-lived.

“So you wanted to ask me something?” Kakashi said, pushing off the tree trunk and walking toward Lee. The man arched an eyebrow at his friend’s pupil and studied him in a way that made Lee want to fidget.

“Ahm, yes. How is Naruto? Have you heard from him?” Lee knew that Naruto and Kakashi were close, especially since the passing of Naruto’s godfather, Jiraiya, a few years ago. Naruto ran his father’s company and managed the continued sales of his godfather’s numerous published works. Lee’s friend was in London for business and would be there a couple more weeks.

“He’s fine, Lee. I’ll tell him you asked after him.” Kakashi continued to scrutinize Lee.

“Thank you,” Lee said. Not knowing what else to say, he moved to head back to the dojo.

“You know,” Kakashi said and Lee stopped. “You’ve grown up rather well.”

Lee frowned, not sure what to say to that. “Thank you?”

Kakashi sauntered over to Lee, arms crossed and expression unreadable. Something like humor danced in his mismatched eyes. Lee would never ask – it would be rude – what led to Kakashi receiving a blue donor transplant eye. The medical world amazed Lee; not only for what it had accomplished for him, but also for what it did for others.

The effect of one blue eye and one brown was, however, mildly disturbing. It always felt like Kakashi’s “other” eye could see much more than a normal one.

“I think you’re even taller than the last time I saw you,” Kakashi continued.

Lee struggled with and thankfully overcame the desire to say something rude to get away from Kakashi. Anger still boiled in his gut for reasons Lee wasn’t quite clear on, but he knew it had to do with this overly-handsome and strange man.

“I doubt it, sir. I stopped growing at 19.”

“Broader, then,” Kakashi amended. “The training is good to you.”

Lee bowed his head, not quite sure how to take the compliment, if that’s what it was. Lee would never be a match for Gai-sensei’s physique, but his shoulders were wide, his waist narrow, and he carried lean muscle toned by years of training with his sensei. Keeping in shape helped to manage the aches he felt from surgeries and old injuries, so it only made sense.

“And something tells me you’re maturing in other areas, too,” Kakashi said, and his mouth curled back in a sly smirk. “Right, Lee?”

Lee frowned and unbidden the scene with Gai-sensei and Kakashi against the tree played out in slow motion in his mind. It was a form of torture, really, and Lee felt his blood boil all over again. He saw Kakashi’s mouth move, saw Gai-sensei laugh…and then it hit him like a roundhouse kick to the temple.

He was bitterly and insanely jealous of Kakashi.

And that could only mean…

Hundreds of images flew into Lee’s mind: the first time he met Gai-sensei and shook his hand. His teacher with other students and with Lee, himself: thousands of tiny moments that made up the fabric of happy memories. His tutor holding him when Lee found out he’d need more surgery. Waking up in the hospital to find Gai-sensei there, smiling, holding his hand. The never-ending encouragement and warmth. Countless dinners with his uncle and his sensei. Playing cards, watching movies, going for runs. Working in the garden, practicing moves side-by-side. Years upon years of closeness, friendship, and time spent in the safe and secure space that only Gai-sensei could provide.

Lee gasped and tried to cover it with a cough.

“I see,” Kakashi said cryptically.

“You must excuse me, sir,” Lee said in a rush. “I feel a bit ill. Thank you for the update on Naruto and the kind words. Have a good day.” Lee bowed and fled.

“Lee,” Kakashi called.

Without turning, Lee stopped, not wanting to be rude but so overwhelmed he could hardly breathe.

“If you ever need…to discuss anything – say, your sensei for example, I’m available.”

Lee’s eyes widened. He knew – the man KNEW. Lee managed to nod, hoped Kakashi saw it, and then walked hastily down the path.

Lee reached the dojo and slid the door shut with too much force. He turned and collapsed against the wall, one hand over his mouth and his eyes wide.

Stay calm, stay calm…but Kakashi…he knew something – maybe everything. What if he told Gai-sensei? What if…

Enough! Lee’s face scrunched as he shouted at himself. He could do nothing about Kakashi’s actions…and besides, something told Lee that Kakashi would keep his suspicions to himself.

Lee breathed in through his nose and out his mouth. Then he did it again 27 times.

Lee had to get it together. Gai-sensei could come along at any moment, and then what? Lee blew out a puff of air. He wasn’t much for introspection – things in Lee’s life tended to be very simple. He liked protein shakes and morning jogs and curry. He didn’t like hospitals or subways or fried fish.

Lee liked to keep things simple.

So, in light of this recent revelation, Lee needed to organize and simplify.

He wasn’t upset that he loved his sensei – in fact, that only made sense. Given the amount of time Lee spent with Gai-sensei and for all he depended on the man, love seemed pretty natural.

Lee wasn’t shocked he had feelings for a man. The only relationship – if you wanted to call it that – in Lee’s past was a tragic attempt at dating Sakura. Oh, and one date with Ino that went so badly the pair agreed to never speak of it again. If Lee thought about his ideal version of beauty or handsomeness, his mind went to his sensei first and his friend Neji second. That really said all that needed to be said on the matter.

All right, so I’m gay: check.

Loving Gai-sensei and being gay weren’t the primary issues: what was distressing Lee the most was Kakashi.

Obviously Kakashi knew Gai-sensei…very well. In fact, Lee could now assume that Kakashi knew his teacher far more intimately than Lee ever suspected. Was that the kind of man Gai-sensei found attractive? Were the two together? Dating? Had Lee been that blind?

Lee sunk to the floor and crossed his legs. If Gai-sensei was with Kakashi…well, that was that. Lee would simply get over his feelings of jealously, (red…rage) and hope Gai-sensei was happy. It would be hard, but Lee would do it for Gai-sensei.

But if they weren’t together, then maybe…maybe Lee could…

Could what? Date his sensei? Casually attack the man while training one day and kiss him until they couldn’t breathe?

Lee took a few moments to think about that…in depth.

Groaning, Lee hit his head on the wall. Those sorts of thoughts all assumed that his sensei would even look twice at plain, odd-looking Lee. Kakashi was beautiful and dramatic and exotic. Lee was just…well, an imitation of Gai-sensei in many ways. He’d stopped wearing the exact same style of clothing as his mentor years ago, but he still wore a green gi. He rationalized that as a way to distinguish himself as an instructor at the dojo and not merely a student. And his hair was now less an imitation of Gai-sensei and more just a habit, but…

Lee shook his head. It didn’t make any sense to worry about how Gai-sensei viewed him until he knew if his sensei was with someone. Gai-sensei always said to tackle difficult problems one step at a time as to not be overwhelmed.

And the easiest way to learn if Gai-sensei was with someone was just to ask. Lee could ask his teacher anything – he never hesitated to come to his mentor with a problem, big or small. Gai-sensei possessed infinite patience and never made Lee feel small or stupid for the asking.

Lee stood, quickly drew the rest of the bamboo blinds, and then left the dojo. His mouth was set in a determined line and his stride was lengthened by purpose. He would ask and then he would know. It was simple, just the way Lee liked things.

So why were his palms sweating and his insides a quivering mass of jelly?

~*~

Lee found his sensei in the front office sitting behind the counter. A stack of paperwork indicated he was doing the monthly billing. For whatever reason, Gai-sensei liked to send out the notices himself. Gai looked up when Lee entered.

“Lee, there you are. Did you have a nice conversation with Kakashi?” Gai smiled.

Lee rubbed his hands on his pants and moved to lean against the counter. “Naruto is doing well,” he said. “Kakashi was…nice enough to say that he will tell Naruto I said, ‘Hello.’”

“I’m sure he’ll be happy to do that. Naruto should be back in, what, two weeks?”

Lee nodded. “I think so, yes.”

Gai made an affirmative noise and stamped an envelope with the dojo’s address.

“Did you finish in the dojo?” Gai asked.

“Yes, Sensei, all clean.”

“Good job and thank you. What are your plans for the rest of this glorious Saturday?”

“Actually, I have a lunch date with Neji and Tenten,” Lee said, thankful that Gai-sensei reminded him.

“Then you’d best be on your way! It’s nearly eleven, now,” Gai said looking up at the clock. “Tell Neji I look forward to seeing him on Tuesday.”

For one horrible moment Lee was sure his cowardice would win and he would leave without asking Gai-sensei anything personal. That would be so much easier – but it would do nothing to slake his curiosity. Besides, Lee was not one to back down from a challenge, no matter how embarrassing.

“Before I go, I wanted to ask…” Lee paused, not wanting to be rude. Then again, Lee didn’t see a way to ask this question without being brash. He bit his lip.

Gai turned toward Lee, the stool squeaking in protest. “What’s on your mind, Lee?”
Lee didn’t answer right away, and Gai frowned.

“Does it have something to do with earlier?”

Lee didn’t know if he should feel relieved or terrified that Gai-sensei could guess so well. Lee nodded.

Gai’s expression darkened. “You didn’t push yourself too hard with Ty, did you? The boy’s good enough to land a few on me occasionally.”

So Gai-sensei didn’t guess correctly after all. Lee sighed. Gai-sensei often scolded Lee for pushing himself to the point of near-injury. Ironic considering the older man didn’t know the meaning of “quit” or “slow down.”

“Lee.” Gai’s voice promised a solid scolding.

“No, Gai-sensei, that’s not it. I am not…it has nothing to do with Ty. My question is about Kakashi.”

“Kaka-“

“I was wondering if you…are with him?” Lee let the words tumble from his mouth afraid that if he paused he would lose courage.

“I saw…I did not mean to spy, honestly, Gai-sensei, but I saw the two of you in the garden. I thought…I wondered…”

Gai surprised Lee by laughing. “Oh, is that it? Lee, I’m surprised at you. I’ve told you my orientation before.” Gai’s face was kind, his tone gentle.

Lee shook his head in quick denial. “Oh no! That is not what I meant, Sensei! I knew that about you, I just…I mean…Kakashi?”

Gai laughed again. “What, you don’t like my old rival, Lee?”

“I am sure he is fine, Gai-sensei,” Lee said quickly. Kakashi would be finer with Lee’s foot in his face.

Lee repressed the urge to smack himself for that uncharacteristically mean thought.

“Ah, Lee, I forget how young you are sometimes,” Gai-sensei said, and Lee very much wanted to tell his sensei exactly how un-youthful his thoughts were at the moment.

“Kashi and I are friends who’ve been more than that once or twice in our lives.” Gai’s voice was almost wistful. “He’s with Iruka, now, and very happy. Kashi and I are just comfortable old friends. We work much better that way.”

Lee grasped the counter to keep from sinking to the floor in sheer relief. They weren’t together. But just because his sensei wasn’t with Kakashi didn’t mean…

“Are you with someone else?” Lee blurted.

But Gai didn’t seem to be bothered by Lee’s directness. He shook his head, dark hair moving and making Lee’s fingers itch with the need to touch. He clasped his hands together.

“No, I’m not seeing anyone right now, Lee. It is…better that way.”

The sadness in his sensei’s voice struck Lee. “Sensei?”

Gai shook himself and laughed. “Oh, Lee, I’ve kept you too long! Go get a shower and change for lunch with your friends. You don’t need to stand around listening to an old man babble.” Gai smiled and Lee could tell it was absolutely insincere.

“Of course, Gai-sensei.” Lee paused. “And you were not babbling…I am happy you shared that information with me.” Happy and in hell at the same time…it was a new feeling for Lee.

Gai waved one hand and turned back to his paperwork. “I’ll see you soon. Don’t forget to write down your hours for me, okay?”

Reluctantly, Lee left his sensei and went to shower and change. The entire time Lee’s mind warred: an army of glee shouted that Gai-sensei was free and not involved with Kakashi. An army of doubt wondered what exactly Lee was supposed to do with that information now that he had it. And to make matters worse, an army of worry blindsided the dueling hordes from the rear explaining loudly that something troubled Lee’s sensei, and that was intolerable.

It was a long shower.

Lee arrived five minutes late to lunch and found both Tenten and Neji already seated at a booth, menus open.

“There you are,” Tenten said, smiling as Lee slid into his seat. Neji merely looked up, brushed his hair behind one ear, and nodded at Lee.

“So, what are you thinking, Neji? You doing the seafood-“

“I am in love.”

Tenten froze, her mouth open, the question of seafood dying on her lips. Neji’s gray eyes widened, and he blinked.

So it wasn’t exactly the way Lee hoped to break the news to his friends, but it would suffice.

“Uh…” Tenten said.

“And I am terrified I do not have a chance,” Lee continued, sort of amazed at his own honesty. “I think the one I love is…very sad for some reason, and I cannot stand it.”

Tenten and Neji simply stared for a moment.

“Waitress?” Tenten bellowed. A brunette hurried over to their table. “We’ll each have the shrimp and rice, soup to start, waters all around, and the bills are separate.”

The waitress scribbled furiously.

“Will there be anything-“

“No,” Tenten said firmly, and the waitress scampered away. Lee smiled, enjoying his friend’s assertive nature. As soon as she was gone, Tenten focused on Lee.

“Okay, let’s back up. You woke up this morning, got dressed, and, what? Love shoved you down the stairs?”

Lee barked a laugh, eyes widening. “That is actually pretty close.”

Tenten made an exasperated noise. “How does that even happen? And who is it?”

Lee shook his head. “I have been in the dark for a long time, I think, just not really…understanding some things about myself.” Lee thought about Kakashi whispering in Gai-sensei’s ear.

“Let us just say I got a rude awakening,” Lee said dryly.

“But who is it?” Tenten repeated.

“I do not want to say.”

“What? You love someone but are ashamed-“

“No!” Lee said loudly enough that the next table looked at them.

“Sorry, sorry,” Lee said, bowing his head. “No,” Lee continued, addressing Tenten. “I am not ashamed, but I do not wish for my feelings to somehow…plague the one I love.”

Tenten rolled her eyes. The waitress brought them water and hastily left.

“But it’s a guy, right?” Tenten asked.

Lee choked on his water.

“Tenten,” Neji said, quietly admonishing her bluntness.

“What?” Tenten challenged. “If Lee is straight my entire paradigm has to shift.”

“Much like it shifted after you learned about Naruto and Sasuke?” Neji asked, arching one delicate brow.

Tenten blushed. “Walking in on those two was way more traumatic than this.” She shuddered. “Who knew Sasuke was such a dirty, dirty-“

“I think we’re off the subject,” Neji interjected.

“Right. Sorry, Lee.”

Lee nodded and drank his water, this time successfully.

“But I’m right, aren’t I?”

Lee hesitated a moment and then nodded.

“Whew, thank God,” Tenten said.

The food arrived then and for a few moments the three friends were consumed with the task of putting utensils to sustenance to mouths. Lee was starving.

“So, you love this guy,” Tenten said, her mouth full.

“I do,” Lee said, trying not to flinch every time she said, “guy.”

“And he’s single?”

“He is.”

“So what’s the problem?”

Lee looked up from his plate, not really knowing how to put it into words. Lee was plain, Gai-sensei was so much more than a teacher, there were 13 years between them, Lee had never been in love…

“Well, he is…older,” Lee finally said.

“Ooh! And older man! Nice, Lee,” Tenten grinned at him, but Neji carefully put down his chopsticks. Gray eyes regarded Lee in much the same way Kakashi looked at him earlier. Lee fidgeted with the condensation on his water glass.

“Tenten, could you get me some hand sanitizer?” Neji asked.

“What? I don’t know where they keep that stuff!”

“I’m sure you can find some.”

Tenten rolled her eyes again. “You’re such a priss, Hyuga.” But she got up to go find what Neji needed.

“He doesn’t know you love him, does he?” Neji asked softly once Tenten was gone.

Of course Neji would understand. He was brilliant and knew Lee all too well.

“No, he does not,” Lee said miserably.

“Then you must find a way to tell him,” Neji said. “It does no one any good to just keep your feelings to yourself.” He paused and looked at Lee earnestly. “Believe me.”

“Neji…” It was as though Lee saw all the people in his life slightly differently today. Neji looked pained and lost – two things the confident man never seemed to be.

But just as quickly as the expression was there it was gone. With a graceful roll of narrow shoulders, Neji composed himself and his face revealed nothing except his typical calm demeanor.

“But how do I do it?” Lee asked, respecting Neji’s silent plea to change the subject.

Neji shrugged. “You said this person seemed sad…figure out some way to cheer him up and then tell him how you feel.”

“How would you cheer someone up, Neji?” Lee usually went for a ten-mile run when he felt sad or blue. Somehow, while he knew Gai-sensei would enjoy it, it just didn’t seem appropriate.

“Maybe a gift?” Neji suggested.

“A gift…” Lee repeated. “Of course! Something bright and happy that will make him smile.” Lee beamed. “Thank you, Neji!”

Neji blanched at Lee’s overzealous enthusiasm. “Think nothing of it, Lee, really.”

Tenten came back a few minutes later, bottle of sanitizer in hand. They finished lunch, and Lee let Neji’s idea incubate in his mind. By the time they paid their bills and parted ways, Lee was making a running list of everything he’d seen Gai-sensei buy for himself.

However, as much as Gai-sensei seemed to like weights, movies, and magazines, none of those things really screamed, “I love you!” to Lee.

Lee wasn’t even sure what kinds of gifts people sent to one another. People liked getting chocolates on Valentine’s and they liked pies during the holidays. And while Gai-sensei would never turn down food, it just didn’t quite hit the mark, either.

Gai-sensei loved to train, and he loved his garden…of course.

Lee stopped at a crosswalk and pumped the air in triumph. He would send Gai-sensei flowers! Perhaps it wasn’t very manly – could one send “manly” flowers? – but it was something Lee could send to the dojo and be there when it arrived. It would make Gai-sensei feel special that someone did that, wouldn’t it? Gai-sensei never received random gifts.

And since Lee could no more imagine himself handing over a bouquet to Gai-sensei than he could foresee himself reciting Shakespeare in the nude from the middle of the street, the delivery option was perfect. He could send a card, too, and then explain to his teacher that the flowers were from him.

Lee grinned to no one in particular and did a little jig on the sidewalk. He didn’t care if people stared – he was in love, after all. That explained everything.

~*~