Sugar and Alcohol

The barkeep didn't mind the rowdy bunch of ninjas. She was happy to have the business. At first, she objected, but only because the blonde looked too young, and the masked one sounded underage as well. The nine threats she received in response were enough to shut her up, and chase the lone man sitting in the corner of her bar out the door.
Blondie said he would blow her and her establishment up. The goofy masked guy said he would suck her into another dimension and never let her out. The raven haired man said he could kill her with his eyes. The shark man said he would shave off every inch of her skin with his sword. The guy with the slicked back hair said he would give her a slow and painful death in the name of his god. The man with freaky eyes said he would snap her neck and take all her money. The pierced up guy said he would bring five other people into it, and they would torture her to death. The woman threatened death by paper cuts. The plant said he wanted to eat her. She knew better than to doubt their threats. Shinobi were capable of all kinds of bizarre things.

Nobody would ever believe that the Akatsuki showed up at her bar with a shit load of candy and got completely trashed. People in this village didn't even know who they were. If she lived, this would make a wonderful tale to corrupt the grandkids with. If she ever even got married, that is. Midori chuckled to herself as she watched the chaos.

Kisame was dancing on the bar, cloak and shirt gone. Itachi looked rather lustful as he stuck some money in the waistband of his partner's pants. The shark man crawled over to retrieve a bill from Zetsu's mouth, getting his ass smacked by the Uchiha in the process.

Hidan was giving Konan a lap dance. Kakuzu was laughing at the wrongness of it, but cheering the pair on anyway. He had an arm draped over Pein's shoulder. The Akatsuki leader had his bare feet propped up on the bar, between Deidara's legs. He rubbed the blonde's inner thigh with one, while Tobi; who was laying on the bar and somewhat sprawled across Deidara's lap; grabbed the other and began to massage it. This caused Pein to look away from his dance. He gazed at his masseur momentarily, then let out an appreciative sigh as he leaned more into Kakuzu's body. Tobi cranned his neck to look up at Deidara. The blonde stared blankly back down. Despite their cozy body language, the two shinobi the barkeep suspected of being the youngest appeared to be arguing.

Midori couldn't make out anything over the music playing or the noise of her other patrons. She was at the opposite end of her bar, busy preparing drinks. Idly, she watched the dancing shark man. Itachi had joined him, and was shamelessly grinding his pelvis into the other man's ass. Alabaster hands glided over the scaly, slimy skin of Kisame's hips. The shark turned and nipped at Itachi's neck before whispering something in his ear. The raven nodded, and his partner hopped off the counter to sit next to Zetsu. The plant man was lounging in his chair. His cloak was missing, and his legs were spread. He was looking at Itachi with an expression of raw lust, his erection throbbed in his pants with need.

"You idiot, stop bitching!" Deidara grumped. "I can't kiss you if you won't take your mask off, un." He grabbed a lock of Tobi's hair and pulled at it playfully. The blonde was too drunk to actually be mad.
Tobi giggled stupidly. Pein's feet were forgotten since he dragged Kakuzu into the bathroom. Grunts, hisses, and moans could faintly be heard through the vents. "Oh yeah, I guess I forgot." The masked ninja replied.
The bomber face-palmed. "You really are a moron, un." He said as he changed his position on the bar. He moved to lean against the pillar that marked the end of the counter, no longer trusting his balance.
"I'm a good boy, I'll prove it!" Tobi exclaimed. Deidara snorted at this. The cat masked man took his senpai's snort as a challenge, and scrambled to straddle his lap.
"Hey, what are you doing?" Deidara murmured.
"Proving it." Came Tobi's reply as pulled his partner's headband over his eyes. This action caused his scope to press into his left eye uncomfortably, but he couldn't bring himself to care about that, or anything else, really. Deidara was a mellow drunk. A mellow, lazy, and horny drunk. He noted the sensation of Tobi straddling one of his legs. His body heat was nice. The way his breath fanned across his face was good too. Wait. His breath?

Then there were chapped, but wet lips on his. Deidara gasped in surprise. Then his hand went to the small of Tobi's back out of reflex. But the man kissed him chastely, and only for a few seconds before pulling away. When he lifted Deidara's headband, his mask was already back in place. Judging from the lack of attention, nobody saw Tobi's face. Damn. The masked idiot climbed off of Deidara and jumped to the floor. He wobbled on one foot, then fell into a chair. The blonde stared at Tobi expectantly. "What is it senpai?" Tobi asked.
The intensity of Deidara's expression diminished, and he laughed. "You're not a good boy, you're a tease, un!"

Zetsu sidled over to the pair. "Tobi really is a good boy." His white half said.
Deidara raised an eyebrow. "Why do you call him that?" he asked blandly.
"He's the best lay I've ever had." White and black Zetsu said simultaneously.
The artist blanched at the imagery that invaded his mind against his will. "You fucked Tobi?" He asked in a weak voice. His throat was suddenly dry.
Zetsu smirked. "No, he fucked me."
Deidara's jaw hit the ground. Pein and Kakuzu chose that moment to emerge from the bathroom. "Me too." Pein husked, watching Kakuzu walk away.
The bomber turned to look at Tobi, who was turned away from the crowd, facing a wall, so that he could drink his alcohol without people looking at his face. He looked back and fourth between Pein, Zetsu and Tobi. Then, he spoke. "Lemme get this straight, un. You two took it in the ass from him?"
The leader merely nodded.
"Uh-huh." Zetsu drawled, sipping on a glass of rum.
Tobi, who had probably been pretending not to listen the whole time, tensed up. He put his mask back on before turning and addressing his senior. "Is something wrong, senpai?"
"You!" Deidara hollared, visible eye looking like it might pop out of its socket. "You are NOT a seme!"
"Seme?" Pein snorted. "Are you a yaoi fangirl or something?"
"I'm not a girl, un!" the blonde shrieked. Zetsu and Tobi snickered.
"But you are a fan of yaoi?" The leader countered.
"No!" Deidara snapped. He was sobering up quickly at the shock the three before him caused.
"Senpai~" Tobi sing-songed. "Tobi is a good seme."
The blonde gave his obnoxious team mate a disgusted look. "Whatever. I need another drink." He slid off the counter top and made his escape to the other side of the bar.

After downing a few shots, Deidara felt pleasantly buzzed and sociable again. He turned his attention to Itachi, who was doing a strip tease on the bar. The Uchiha had shed his cloak before climbing onto the counter. He swayed his hips sensually as he slowly peeled his shirt off. Itachi then made a display of bending over to take off his shoes. He kept his ass high in the air, and it was repeatedly groped, pinched, and smacked by almost every other member of Akatsuki, who had all gathered around to watch the show. The blonde got a margarita and joined the crowd as Itachi began to slide his pants down his hips. Everybody cheered as the man revealed more and more of his pale flesh, until he was wearing only his underwear. Deidara smirked. Purple boxer-briefs. How fitting.

Zetsu, Kisame, and Konan were pawing at Itachi. The near naked man seemed to tense under the attention, even in his drunken state. Tobi jumped up onto the makeshift stage to save the day. "Hey everyone! Check out this jutsu I learned recently!" The masked man formed a few hand seals then transformed into a busty woman in a black bikini with red clouds on it. She still had her cat mask and ears on. And now that she wasn't wearing her cloak, it was revealed she was wearing a tail as well. Her hair was teased up into spikes in the back with some falling past her shoulders, and it was somewhat longer in the front.
Everyone howled and whistled. Hidan had a nosebleed. "Tobi, you're a hot chick! You should stay that way!" He hollared.
"Damn! You're a bombshell, un! Take off your mask!" Deidara shouted.
Tobi put her hand to where her lips would be if the mask wasn't in the way, and shook her head at the blonde.
"Aww, c'mon! Don't make me go up there and take it off!" Deidara whined.
"Go up there and take it off!" Kisame said. And the room began to chant "Take it off! Take it off!"

Deidara wasn't so dense as to miss the double-entendre. Itachi, who was still dancing sexily on the bar, looked at Tobi. His eyes flashed red for a second, then he transformed into a woman. She also sported an Akatsuki bikini, the bottom of one, at least. Her breasts weren't as large as Tobi's, but she had curvier hips. Two beautiful women was all the encouragement Deidara needed. He took off his cloak and jumped up on the bar between them.
The blonde danced in a somewhat jerky and clumsy fashion, but the crowd cheered for him anyway. His movements weren't as fluid as Itachi's, or even Tobi's. He pulled his shirt over his head, which messed up his hair a bit. So he took of his headband, and his hair tie and shook it loose. Deidara then took off his shoes and flung them haphazardly across the room. He wiggled his pants down his hips, along with his underwear, baring dangerous amounts of skin before pulling them back up again. This got a particularly loud applause from the audience. He took of his pants, leaving him in just his boxers. Some people giggled because they had hearts on them. Nobody seemed to mind the stitched up mouth on his chest, or the thick stitches that held his arms in place. All of the Akatsuki were monsters in their own right, and every battle hardened shinobi had scars.

Tobi and Itachi sandwiched Deidara. The masked ninja was being shy with the artist, holding his hips awkwardly, and otherwise making limited contact. Itachi was downright handsy. Deidara had his back to Tobi, and Itachi's hands were everywhere. Playing over his chest, tickling his sides, scratching his back. They may have slipped into his pants a few times as well.
At some point, the girls turned back into men. Deidara didn't care. He preferred guys, and that wasn't a secret. Though, the duo did make lovely women. And perhaps that's what gave him the courage to jump up on the bar. For a while, it felt like it wasn't Itachi or Tobi he was dancing with. Some distant sober part of his mind screamed that he shouldn't even be letting his annoying masked partner touch him, but he couldn't muster the effort to care about the brat's fleeting carresses when his attention was more on Itachi anyway. Yes...the Uchiha was currently occupying Deidara's dulled senses. His hands were a little bit cold. It felt nice on the artist's heated skin. The bomber's hands roved over Itachi's skin. Petting. Tickling. Scratching. The raven leaned in, and his lips brushed Deidara's ear as he spoke. "Use your mouths." It was a simple request, but Deidara felt his face heat up, and knew he must be blushing. Sometimes, being a monster was useful for more than just destruction.
Itachi latched on to the younger man's neck, eliciting a soft gasp from him. He nipped and licked the sensitive flesh there, and Deidara used his hands to give Itachi's back the same treatment. The Uchiha kissed along the blonde's neck and jaw until he reached his lips. Deidara growled, and pulled Itachi closer as their tongues began to battle.
In the midst of the make-out session, Deidara didn't notice the hands leave his hips until he heard Tobi climbing off the bar. He didn't think anything of it until Itachi whispered in his ear again. "Tobi's in love with you. Maybe you should take advantage of that."

Deidara froze. He narrowed his eyes at the raven. "I'm not that desperate to get some tonight, un."
Itachi laughed. It was sort of a strange sound. "He's not that bad."
The blonde paled. "Has everyone in this room except for me slept with him?"
The Uchiha thought for a moment. "Well, he's gay, so Konan hasn't. Kakuzu hasn't. Hidan is straight, so he hasn't touched him either."
The artist wobbled on his feet. Itachi helped him get off the counter, and both men retrieved their clothes. Deidara sat at a table and looked around, noticing for the first time that almost everyone was gone. Only himself, Itachi, and Tobi remained. Tobi was on the other side of the bar, sitting in a corner and facing the wall. He was eating out of the group's abandoned bags of sweets. Everybody else probably paired and grouped off for the night.

Sex. That's what nights like this were all about. Such a thing didn't come easily for criminals and monsters like the Akatsuki. So, every once in a while, Pein would take the group to some run down bar in the middle of nowhere. Everyone would get wasted and screw each other. Nobody talked about it. No feelings were involved. It was just a group of people taking care of a certain need the only way they knew how in their situation. Romantic relationships were forbidden. Not that anyone in Akatsuki was ideal material for one, anyway. Feelings got in the way of the organization's ability to perform. But so did sexual frustration. Pein knew this, and that's why he arranged these outings. Then again, basic need for release could be taken care of manually. There must be some deeper reason for it all. Not something stupid like love. Bonding for the sake of better teamwork? Deidara rolled his eyes at his own thoughts. These situations were probably for the experience of touching and sex. Base human needs and drives, that when severely neglected, cause people to go insane, or worse. Nothing more, nothing less. The blonde sighed. He wondered why he was thinking such things when he could be seducing Itachi.

The artist watched the raven curiously. Itachi was carrying a tray of what appeared to be several shots of pure liquor. He walked up behind Tobi, respectful of the man's wish to hide his face. Deidara could hear that they were talking, but couldn't make out what they were saying from where he sat. Tobi slid his mask back in place and stood, then followed Itachi to Deidara's table. The two sat so that Deidara was between them. The uchiha divide the shots between everybody. There were six for each of them.

"Let's race." Tobi suggested. Deidara looked at him like he had grown a second head. Itachi smirked. "I was hoping someone would say that."
"You guys are nuts, un." Deidara grumbled. "Is senpai gonna wuss out?" Tobi asked.
The blonde twitched, and mentally damned his male ego. "Of course not." He said, glaring at the cat masked shinobi. "Let's let Tobi-kun get ready before we begin." Itachi said. The brat waved a hand dismissively. "I'll use my jutsu." He replied. The raven nodded. "Ok. Ready...set...go!" The Akatsuki trio chugged their shots, and quickly became extremely drunk.

"Who d'ya think e'ryone ish screwing?" Deidara asked no one in particular. "Eashother." Tobi slurred. "Kishame an' Zetshu ditched me..." Itachi replied quietly. "Hidan an' Konan are prolly together. Kakuzu an' Pein er at it too." He put his head down on the table. "Guess'at leaves one'v ush the odd man out, un." Deidara commented. "Or we could have a threeshome." Itachi said. "Lesh make a shempai sammich!" Tobi said gleefully. "I dun wanna be in the middle. I wanna top Itashi, un." Deidara groused. "Two tops an' a bottom ish a bad combo fer a threeshome." Itachi said.

"Shempai! whaddabout yer hands?" Tobi said suddenly. Deidara's face came to resemble a tomato, and it wasn't because he was wasted. The masked man giggled drunkly before asking, "when ya mashturbate, ish it a han' job er a blow job?" The blonde smirked. Time for Operation: Seduce Itachi. "Both." he replied simply. His target raised an eyebrow. He exchanged a glance with Tobi, then both men looked at Deidara. "What?" The artist asked. Tobi tilted his head, and Itachi smirked slightly. "What?" Deidara repeated. Then it donned on him. "Wha!? No! I'm not gonna jerk ya two off!" He snapped. "I'll give you head if you do." Itachi husked.

That sentance hung thickly in the air. Damn it! Deidara's game was being turned against him. Now he was becoming the seduced. Er, bribed. At this point Deidara would do just about anything for some action with Itachi. Even putting his hand on Tobi's dick. It's not that he particularly liked Itachi, it's just that he found him less annoying and more attractive than Tobi. Sure, the exchange between them earlier that night wasn't so bad. But Deidara and Tobi both were, and still are, shit faced. On top of that, Deidara gets turned on by being blindfolded, and he hasn't been laid in over a year. The last time was when Sasori no Danna was still alive...The bomber shook those thoughts away before they could even form. After a bit of hesitation, Deidara agreed to the threesome.