To live again

! Izumo POV !

“Mmm…”

It was warm. Good. Homey…

I love warmth. I love the feeling of a home to belong to…

Skin. Warm, naked skin under my hand. He slept; his arm was around me, not having moved at all since he pulled me into the bed last night, whispering reassuring words I so craved but did not at all deserve…

I didn’t deserve him. But I wanted him. So much.

I shifted a bit to get a better look at his sleeping face – wild hair, even more messy, closed eyes (has he always had those long eyelashes?), lips, slightly parted… Perfect. Almost mine, but not really. Would have been, but wouldn’t ever be now…

Kami, I sound so mushy; worse than a chick…

He shifted slightly and opened his eyes slowly. He almost smiled; almost.

“Mornin’…”, he rasped.

…There ain’t anything sexier in the world than a man’s sleepy voice…

I muttered something inadequate-sounding in return. He looked at me thoughtfully.

“Want eerm… some help…?”

“Hm?”

He shifted his hips a bit, making his point without words.

Oh.

I know I was blushing again. Damn it.

“I eer… t-thanks, I’ll… handle it…”

He sighed, rolling his eyes. “Come here…”

“You d-don’t have to…”

“Shhh… less talk. Haven’t had my coffee yet…”, he grumbled.

I hid my smile in his shoulder as his hand slipped in my boxers; we were laying on our sides now, facing each other. His hand was big… warm…rough. It felt goooood…..

“Mmmmmh!”

I was biting his shoulder by this time, to muffle my  moans. Just a few years ago I’d be embarrassed by how little was needed now to make me cry like a bitch. Yeah, well… I was a player back then. I’d had that almost every night. And now, before last night, it’d been months (fine, years) since I’d had anything like that…

My moans, however, must have gotten him in the mood too because I felt a responding budge poking my thigh. Again, I wanted to slap myself. I’d never been a selfish lover… except… that one thrice cursed drunken time… I shook my head – now was not the time to think about it…

My hand slipped into his boxers in return.

All movement stopped at once. He tensed all over, his breath hitched.

Was… my every touch… terrifying to him; repulsive?

I was on my way to remove my hand, muttering a quiet “I’m sorry…”

He exhaled shakily and said, with a voice just as trembling…

“You can… go on. Just… just the front, ok!?”

In a moment of clarity I understood what he must have felt – we’d done that last night too, but then he’d hold both of us. He’d been in total control. Now, control was divided in two equal parts. I had control over him as well as he had over me. I was partly in control, touching him – wherever I wanted, and it terrified him, that I might want to touch more than it was in his comfort zone.

“I promise…”, I said just as shakily, hoping it’d tell him how much I just wanted to please him, how  I’d do anything not to frighten or hurt him, ever again…

His hand moved again, up and down, slower in the beginning, waiting for the moment when mine would move too … waiting to see if it’d be unbearable. I moved tentatively. He sped up. Ok, so I’m doing it right, yeah? It’s ok…? Should be ok…?

“M-mh…”

That was him! He moaned! I was doing ok, he was feeling good, it was ok!

I wanted to laugh. To dance and scream from joy.

Instead it only brought me closer.

“I’m…”, I only managed.

“Me too…”, he hissed.

We both sped up… and then, just like that, we were screaming, coming together, as one.

And it was… perfect.

*

This started happening every morning – it’s actually a bit funny how our bodies worked as if we were horny teenagers, but on the other hand I guess that’s what happens when you sleep with the guy you are at least strongly attracted to (or in my case – in love with). We’d jerk each other off, or we’d let our hips grind, creating a friction through the material of our underwear, or we’d line our erections and hold together, one hand over the other as we finished.

I’d offered to suck him once, but he declined. Not that I really expected it, but he didn’t offer either.

On Sunday I gained some courage and decided to try my luck.

We laid facing each other, touching the other just like that first morning. He was heavy in my hand; a bit of precome was already leaking. He was panting harshly, moaning, eyes closed.

I stopped all movement. His eyes immediately snapped open, questioning.

I turned on my back and spread my legs, trying to ignore the blush I was sure was making my face deep red. That had always been the hardest part for me – opening up, inviting the other party in the times I’d been the bottom. I guess some guys, the more feminine amongst us, didn’t have problems with that, but I’d always seen myself as a man. And as such, it was a hard thing for me to invite another man to fuck me, good as I knew it could be for me too.

With Kotetsu, given our history, it was even harder.

I couldn’t meet his eyes, cowardly as I knew it was.

“Come on…”, I just said, putting all my will and control in not stuttering.

The bed creaked and suddenly felt lighter. My eyes immediately were on him.

He’d turned his back on me, shoulders slightly hunched.

“I can’t… I’m sorry, I can’t yet…”, he muttered and hastily left the room.

I slowly stretched back my legs, then turned on my side and brought them to my chest, curling in a ball… trying not to feel like a whore, who’d just been told that they’re not even worth the fuck…

*

I hate Mondays. Mondays… should be banned. Deleted. Skipped somehow.

Another boring day at the station; sitting at my desk, staring at his empty one… Watching Iruka’s glowing face. I was jealous and I hated that. I was happy for him, I really was! Damn, he was a great guy and deserved happiness more than anyone!

But… looking at him and knowing that I’d never have that – could have it, but my own idiocy had made it so it was impossible now – made me feel like the lowest scum.

Which I was.

I knew I wouldn’t try anything anymore. I would ask for nothing from him. I’d just… give what he wants, for as long as he wanted it… or as long as I could bear. I caught myself thinking of ways to gently separate from him, before I’d fallen apart. But that was not an option either – I’d just fall apart, because I’m separated from him. It hurt to be with him and it was unbearable to be without him…

I all but crawled up the stairs to my apartment that evening. I was considering a long shower… or lounging in the bathtub… accidentally drowning in it…

[A.N. insert Simon Curtis – Flesh here]

The beat caught me at the threshold – it sounded through the whole, semi-dark apartment, as if it was alive and that was its heartbeat. Some other electric instrument interwove with the beat as the song proceeded. I frowned a bit.

“Kotetsu?”, I asked lifelessly.

Something… a strong hand grabbed me and slammed me to the nearest wall, leaving me breathless.  A hard body pressed to mine… and his mouth slammed onto mine.

The kiss was hard and demanding, making it clear who was going to be in control. Because if nothing else, the whole setting suggested that the night wasn’t gonna end with just this one kiss…

He suddenly pulled back, then pulled me from the wall. He dragged me through the living room then entered my bedroom and tossed me like a rag doll on the bed.

“This is not the way into my heart, into my head

Into my brain, into none of the above…”

I could only see him from the waist up – and he was naked. The way he was looking at me, like a predator, having left all humanity just outside that door, made me crawl backwards; goose bumps rose on my skin as he crawled right after me, grabbed my ankles and pulled me down, under him. He roughly spread my legs wide and crawled sensually between them; I could almost hear him growl…

“This is just my way of unleashing the feelings deep inside of me

This spark of black that I seem to love…”

He tore my T-shirt, right in the middle of its front, like we were in some corny movie. His hands clenched the two torn halves, the back of the cloth still attached, and his eyes lingered on my clenching stomach. This time he did growl and  tore the remnants of the T-shirt, throwing it on the floor.

“We can get a little crazy just for fun, just for fun

Don't even try to hold it back

Just let go…”

My jeans were next. He roughly undid the belt, the button and the zipper, then he pulled down harshly, making me gasp. I don’t even know when but he’d somehow managed to get rid of my socks as well. He stared at my boxers and my rising cock, with a hunger that scared me.

“Tie me up and take me over till you're done

Till I'm done

You've got me fiendin' and I'm ready to blow…”

My breath caught; would he want to tie me? Any other time I wouldn’t mind, but now… he was really scaring me… it was so intense, so… wild… He caught my eyes and grinned savagely. He tore my boxers in one single movement. I gasped again from the colder air and then two things happened in the same time: his teeth sunk deep into the skin of my neck, making me scream… and a (thankfully!) lubed finger pushed inside me, making me howl into the night…

“Push up to my body, sink your teeth into my flesh

Get undressed, ta-taste the flesh

Bite into me harder, sink your teeth into my flesh

Pass the test, ta-taste the flesh…”

After the harsh intrusion he moved the finger gently in and out till I began moaning again. His mouth moved lower, now licking, sucking and biting my nipples, then mapping the contours of my abs. My cock leaked some more precome as if hoping Kotetsu’s fantastic tongue will show some attention to it too. But Kotetsu obviously wasn’t feeling generous tonight. He spread my legs wider and began licking and sucking my inner thighs, teasing me, so close to where I wanted that tongue, but never there. He finally added another finger inside me, going deeper now, seeking…

“AaAaAAAaAAAAAAAAh!”

Stars still danced before my eyes, but as soon as it had happened it stopped – once he’d hit my prostate he pulled his fingers out. I was suddenly flipped on my stomach, my ass lifted high and my face pressed into the pillow. He…

“Hold my hands above my head

And push my face into the bed

Cause I'm a screamer baby, make me a mute

You put your hand upon my neck and feel the pulse beat, beat, beat, beat

It's like a trigger, get me ready to shoot…”

He was doing just what the song said – one of his bigger hands holding both of mine above my head, while the other lined his prick. My heart was beating so fast, as if it was gonna explode, my head felt lighter and I was dizzy, a mist clouding my mind…

“Wanna wrestle with me baby

Here's a sneak, little peek

You can dominate the game cause I'm tough

I don't play around that often

When I do, I'm a freak

So you'd better believe I like it rough…”

I heard the lyrics and tried to ask myself the logical question – was he really going to be rough? As a payback, or just because he liked it that way? After all I’d never slept with him, for real, on the bottom, sober and by mutual agreement, so I didn’t really know. He was the one “dominating the game” now, but was he also the one who “liked it rough?”

All those questions flashed through my mind for mere seconds, before he finally pushed inside me…

Slowly. Even wild and feral as he’d looked he was in total control. So… unlike me… on that night…

He pushed gently, never stopping till he was wholly inside, but taking his time once he was – giving me that time, to adapt.

And damn didn’t I need it! It’d been months, many more months even before that night, since I’d been with someone in that way. If I had to be sincere… since Shiki…

And Kotetsu was… big. And I don’t want to sound like a bitch, comparing, but… yeah, a lot bigger than some of my exes. I could feel every single inch of him, pulsing inside me.

And then he moved. Not that fast, in the beginning, but firmly showing there’d be no mercy. He pushed, somehow methodically, in and out – almost fully out and then so deeply in, pressing my ass tightly to his groin, sinking balls-deep, making me choke on my own moans. I could feel my hole pulsing, stretched like it hadn’t been in years, I could feel and hear his balls slapping onto my own with that really pornographic sound, I could feel his hands leaving bruises on my hips as he snapped my ass back, impaling me on his cock… he pulled me back and he snapped forward, and the power of it made me cry with every single thrust…

That and the fact that he nailed my prostate in the second thrust. It had never happened to me. Nor had it happen that my partner could manage to hit it every single time after that. My toes had curled so hard I wasn’t sure if I’d manage to walk normally, ever again. Tears of pleasure leaked uncontrollably down my face and saliva dripped from my mouth as I cried and moaned and begged for more, even as I was coming harder than ever in my life so far…

He was good, really good…

The best I’d had.

“Hold me down and make me scream

Lay me on the floor…”

Oh, he was making me scream already and I wouldn’t have been surprised if we ended up on the floor with all that vigorous fucking.

I barely registered the song changing, turning faster…

Just like him.

He suddenly pulled out, flipped me on my side and pushed in again, speeding up. My hands clawed at the sheets, I tried to bite a pillow to muffle my screams, but he grabbed it and tossed it away. I could only helplessly cry as he fucked me like there’d be no tomorrow. I came and came again, and he’d never even touched my cock…

Without pulling out this time, he flipped one of my legs, shifted a bit and pulled me up and suddenly we were looking at each other, me – sitting on his lap, impaled on his cock, still riding it. His hands lifted me up and gravity pulled me down and his hips pushed up, meeting me in the middle. My head rolled  back… I was like a rag doll, like a marionette with its threats cut… I couldn’t anymore, no more…

Somewhere in the mist inside my head I realized he hadn’t come, impossible as it was. How and why didn’t matter. I just had to make him finish.

With my very last strength I rode him harder, clenching my walls around him. He grunted, his jaw clenched, he tried to hide his face in my chest. Having none of that, I grabbed his wild hair and made him look up at me, clenching harder, begging him to let go…

He finally did. He roared, he howled like an animal, exploding inside me, the heat making me cry helplessly as the impossible happened – I came again, just as untouched as any other time, and that must have been at least the seventh time, or it felt like that…

My head fell back - for a second my eyes registered the sight of the ceiling. I wanted to thank him. To say that I love him, and I’m sorry and…

The white light engulfed me.