Breaking Apart

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto and make no profit from this fiction.

Warnings: Not beta'd. I am in sad need of a beta. So I apologize for the errors in this fic!!

Chapter 20: No Pain

‘Sasuke’

Stunned. I can’t remember the last time I’ve felt this level of surprise. No one. No one would ever believe that Naruto was not my special person. ‘How is it even possible that he could believe that? Dobe!’

What did Shikamaru and Shino tell him!? They couldn’t possibly have made it seem that I cared for them like I do Naruto. ‘I have a new reason to kill those bastards. This is needless suffering.’

Following Naruto into the bedroom, I lean against the doorframe watching him angrily scatter about the room. Drying himself off, tying up his hair, searching for clothes. I watch all of this in silence, wondering what to say.

“Naruto, if they ever indicated that they,” I pause searching for the right phrasing, “meant more to me than you. That is an outright lie,” I say uncharacteristically stumbling over my words. My chest feels tight as I Naruto’s body language scream at me to leave him alone.

“I don’t want to hear it, teme,” Naruto responds with his back turned to me.

“Don’t want to hear what?” I ask, momentarily preoccupied with my own uncharacteristically panicked state.

“THIS!” Naruto yells, bringing my attention fully back to him as he whirls around to shout at me, “I don’t want to hear anymore of your bullshit!”

“It’s not-“

“It is! It is bullshit,” Naruto responds his hands coming up to pull his hair. He’s beautiful like this. Wild eyed. Frustrated. ‘Responsive,’ I hiss to myself. He was always been so responsive. A veritable flood of emotions. Allowing me to become a partner by merely witnessing his emotional frenzy so that I don’t have to react myself. This is what I’ve been missing. This display. This storm. ‘Naruto.’

Still, no matter how beautiful he looks right now, I am wholly unprepared for the gleam that shines out when his eyes meet mine. The madness. The madness that was never there before but never seems far away now. I am coming to expect that small indication that something is not quite right. A sorrow knocks the breath out of me. ‘What have I done to you, dobe? What have you done to yourself?’ I ask myself sadly.

“You ask too much, Sasuke,” Naruto continues, hands wringing his hair as if to pull it out by the handful, “You want everything, but you give nothing. Do you even know that you love me? Do you? I know. I know you love me and it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter.”

Hearing Naruto’s voice taper off as he turns away and seeing his shoulders begin to shake with outright sobs, propels me forward. I had not intended to move closer to him. I didn’t even realize I had gotten as close as I was until Naruto leaned back into me. My arms quickly pull him close as I bury my head in his still wet hair.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper. Not really knowing what I am apologizing for. Am I apologizing for not being there for him? For leaving when we were children? For not being in the Sound Village when Naruto finally decided to come for me? For not taking better care of him while he was recovering? For loving him? I don’t know. What I do know is that whatever he needs me to be sorry for, I am sorry. ‘Just stop crying. Just stop. I am sorry.’

Turning quickly in my arms, I feel a jolt as Naruto’s hands grab the sides of my head. I could have avoided the move. But right now, Naruto can have anything from me, even my life. ‘Especially my life.’

“Do you even know that you love me, teme?” he asks again in an insistent tone. “And don’t lie.”

‘How little he knows me.’ Staring into his bright, blue eyes the last thing on my mind is lying. I’ve waited too long for Naruto to be here, in the present, with me to lie to him now. Still, I wait. I am so…uncertainty. It is a feeling that makes my skin jump with irritation. I hate to be uncertain of anything, least of all Naruto. ‘What truth are you looking for?’ Looking at the shadow slowly creeping up Naruto face, it suddenly strikes me that it is too late to feel uncertain. Uncertainty is predicated on the expectation of being certain. We are both too far gone to be certain of anything, least of all each other. ‘This feeling of being off balance is our new normal. It is best to realize that now,’ I think to myself still making Naruto wait for my response.

Even with this realization, I cannot stop the dawning of fear I haven’t felt since I was a child. Fear begins to breath inside of me like another life form. Choking my words before I even think to form them. ‘What if he truly leaves me? What if I am not enough for him either?’ As soon as I let those thoughts free, my mind becomes flooded with doubts.

I watch as the shadow continues to cover Naruto’s face and the light in his eyes starts to slowly die as he awaits my response. How do I tell him about the war going on in me? The war between fear and doubt all the while feeling like I am balancing on some precarious edge. A step one way and I am doomed. A step another way and I am safe. But which way should I turn, which way should I go? How do I tell him in a language that he will understand, in a way that he can understand me? Fighting with myself, I force myself to speak before he locks me out completely.

“Yes, Naruto.” I say finally, bring Naruto’s full attention back to me, from wherever it was fleeing “I know that I love you,” I mutter through clenched teeth, my arms drawing tighter around him, “The ‘you’ of today. The ‘you’ from before; him I have always loved.”

‘Naruto’

My heart sinks a little at Sasuke’s forced confession. I wish I didn’t know what he is referring to. But I know that I have been less than myself. I came to that realization several days ago. And though I see the truth of his confession shining in his eyes, I can’t help but feel disappointed. ‘Love should be unconditional right?’

“You didn’t love me these past 4 years did you?” I ask frankly. We are already caught in an emotional storm. We might as well ride it out until the end.

Sasuke leans closer so that our eyes are directly level, “Dobe, I have always loved you. Always. But I have only ever been in love with you, the ‘you’ standing here with me right now, the Naruto from my childhood.”

I can see his earnestness and my heart explodes with joy and despair. I bow my head so that my forehead rests on his check. And I utter the words that once oriented all of my actions and my values.

“I have always been in love with you, Sasuke. The Sasuke of yesterday and the Sasuke of today. I once thought they were all my Sasuke,” after a bitter laugh I continue, “You win again, teme. You understood something I didn’t. No one can be in love with people like us all the time.”

The silence that spreads between us is loaded with emotion. His uncertainty and hope, my joy and despair, it all clashes together. I am not surprised to feel Sasuke’s hand grip the back of my head. Nor am I shocked when he pulls my head away so he can face me full on.

His eyes gleaming with yet another unnamed emotion, Sasuke whispers, “I have always loved you, dobe. The ‘you’ of a week ago and the ‘you’ of today. You are always 'my dobe.' But you,” I watch as his eyes greedily roam over my face. “This ‘you’ has become my will. The reason I live in this village. The person I would die for, the person I, ultimately, live for. Even when I could deny my feelings for you, I never had any illusions about that. Don’t you understand? I would kill for you,” Sasuke continues shaking my head a little with each statement, “I would destroy for you. And I would rebuild for you. Without you I would truly be a monster.”

Dark and hot desire floods my body. The weight of his gaze, the intensity of his confession, reignites my flesh. Black eyes pierce into my soul and pull out the words I have always wanted to say, “I can save you, Sasuke.”

I tell a lie because I must. I want so desperately to believe them, even now. Even knowing these words are not enough to make Sasuke less of a monster, I feel the burn of his eyes, the fire of my desire.

“You already have,” Sasuke rasps, easing the hard grip he has held on my hair. “You saved me a long time ago.”

Watching his eyes gleam with renewed desire, I know he is done with words. I have my lie. I have what I need. Leaning forward so that my forehead rests on his, I realize again how much I want this man. Right now, even with all the pain between us, possibly because of all the pain. ‘I want him.’ My eyes glaze over as I imagine his wet hair trailing over my body. I imagine how good it will feel to have those eyes on me, while I plunge into his body. How much will he surrender to me and how much will I love him for it? ‘Forever,’ I admit to myself, ‘I will love him forever.’

“I want my night,” I whisper hoarsely, barely capable of making my voice obey my command to speak.

Contemplating me with hard eyes that stare out of an angelic face, I watch as a look of resignation crosses Sasuke’s face. Emotions flash too quickly for me to track, and then come to an abrupt halt. To my dismay, with a vacant expression he releases my head completely. I almost call to take the words back. I almost break down and beg Sasuke to stay with me, here and now.

But instead of stepping away as I’d feared, Sasuke simply drops his arm to his side, and says, “Then you shall have it.”

The simple statement betrays the tension that Sasuke is successfully masking. To look at him, you would think that he is in perfect peace, but I know better. I can hear differently. This is a struggle for him. I had not realized how alive Sasuke had been prior to my statement. Now, it is as if I am looking at a stranger. The change is enough to make me wish I had taken a different approach.

Stepping back from me, I watch Sasuke drop his towel and fully expose his body for me. I could tell that the show was for me because his blank eyes were still watching me closely. Without taking his eyes off mine, he walks backwards toward the bed. I don’t know why I don’t follow him. I guess I am waiting to see what he has planned. This forced serenity is a strange contrast to the normal, half-mad state of this fiercely strong shinobi.

When Sasuke reaches the bed, he slowly turns around and crawls to the center. When he stops with his ass in the air, presenting me with an unobstructed view of his anus. It was then that I knew that he had somehow misunderstood. Sure, I would have no problem being the initiator for tonight and if that included topping, then it did. But I do not want him stretched out like some sacrifice. ‘Maybe that turns you one, teme. But that posture does nothing for me.’ Of course, the throb in my erection reveals the lie of those thoughts. But that fact that my physical state is not shared by Sasuke is enough for me to halt this progression of events. ‘I refuse to rape him on the only night I may ever have him,’ I think to myself.

Again, the silence stretches between us. For a while, I marvel. ‘What kind of strength does this take from him? To act so…un-Sasuke-like.’ I would never have imagined this. From my attempts to tame him earlier, to my desire to confront him, to this acquiescence, ‘what next?’ In the meantime, Sasuke does not move from the perch he has taken on the bed. He seems to be relaxing his body one muscle at a time. And it is mind-blowing to watch. Not because I want to fuck him, and I do. But because I want him to want me more than his pride, more than his fierceness.

Striping the only piece of clothing I’d managed to don, I head to the bed. At first, I wonder at how to approach this odd creature perched so quietly on our bed. I start with a touch to one of the dimples at the meeting of Sasuke’s back and his ass. The shiver that floods through his body tells me that this is a sensitive spot. I smile slightly remembering how much he would love me to grasp his lower back when he laid between my legs. I lightly trace around the dimple as my hand travels to the other dimple on the right side of his back. With a slight arch, Sasuke lets me know that he enjoys the touch and my body hardens even farther.

A quick glance tells me that Sasuke is not unaffected either. His semi-hard cock taunts me. Making a quick decision, I move abruptly, placing myself between Sasuke’s legs and pressing my erection into the cleft of his ass. The soft moan that escapes into the air might be my own. I am not sure. But the way Sasuke is pushing back into my body, I know that he is not completely immune to my actions. Reaching down to grasp the back of Sasuke’s legs, I begin to knead his firm flesh. Lightly at first, then harder. When my hands move around to rub the long muscles in his legs, I start to pick him up slightly. Pulling him back into my cock. There is no glide. Neither he nor I have applied anything like lube. So his movement against my cock feels good, but is almost painful. Sticky, jerky, but hot.

I watch Sasuke arch his back and I know that if I reach down I will find him hard for me. Though our actions are doing little more than creating uncomfortable friction and heat that is all I want right now. I want him to remember this- awkward heat, like I remember the heat of the whip. I want him to remember the feel of me. Because if tonight is going to ensure I’m going to love him forever, then I’m going to make damn sure he never forgets me.

All the ways I envisioned this moment, this was not one of my fantasies. Dry humping Sasuke with no real plan of action. And for some reason, I am fine with that. I don’t have a plan. I don’t know what I want to do next with the body pushing back against me, not because I’d never fucked anyone. I have fucked more than my fair share of men. Rather, I want more than just a fuck with Sasuke. I want to imprint myself upon him the way he imprinted himself upon me. Forgetting sex with Sasuke is not going to happen. And that is not a romantic statement. He burned me to my core and wrote his name on my spine. What’s worse? He knows it. The change in the way he looks at me tells me that he is aware of the mark he put on me.

Oh, I am not ruined. I will probably have better sex in the future. Sex is sex, after all. All kinds of things make sex good that have nothing to do with love or devotion. But it won’t be the same. It won’t be with Sasuke. I want him to remember me like that. Every time he has sex from now on, I want him to remember. No matter how hard he comes, it will always be tinged with a sense of regret. Regret that he is not fucking me. I’m going to have to live with that regret. Sasuke has been my will too. But I can live without my will. I’ve done it before. But I refuse to be the only person feeling the burn of our failed love.

Rather than letting my thoughts wander too far down that path, I make another abrupt decision. Lift Sasuke’s legs and shifting his lower body so that he is forced to lay the full length of the bed, I watch his torso contort with my whims. I catch Sasuke’s eye over his shoulder as he seamlessly twists his body to my demands. I send him a quick grin that causes his eyes to darken. Moving to kneel between Sasuke’s outstretched legs on the bed, I force his lower body up so that I can kneel down and quite literally kiss his ass. So I do.

The catch of breath that this invokes from Sasuke is music to my ears. I can’t help but smile against his ass as I begin to make exaggerated kissing sounds that inspires a deep chuckle from Sasuke. Soon I let out a laugh of my own. The heat between us doesn’t dissipate, but the quality of the air lightens a bit.

I flick my tongue along the clef of Sasuke’s ass as the lingering mirth turns to a soft moan. I move both my hands to cup the globes of Sasuke’s checks and push them apart. I take in the full view of Sasuke’s anus, this time with a sense of anticipation.
I can tell by Sasuke’s sudden stillness that he is surprised.

I give a light chuckle as I lean down letting my breath fall against his neglected hole, “Oh don’t worry, teme,” I breath, “your gonna love this.”

With that statement I carefully lick Sasuke’s pink hole, feeling for the ridges of the puckered skin. The shocked moan that Sasuke almost shouts goads me on. ‘He really is giving me my night,’ I think as a small kernel of happiness unfurling in the pit of my stomach. Without placing any pressure on the skin I make teasing swipes with my tongue, knowing from experience the erotic tickle of light touches here. Nipping up to the high cleft of his ass down to the wrinkled skin of his perineum, I begin to apply a little more pressure. The deep moans that he utters when I even slightly touch his perineum make me want to make a home in that area. But if I do, his excitement will do me in. I am not sure how long I can last like this. With Sasuke moaning, his erection waving in the air and my neglected cock trembling between my thighs untouched.

Another quick decision has me pressing my tongue against Sasuke’s ass. Lapping at the puckered skin, exploring the crevices, penetrating Sasuke and creating an itch that I am certain has never been scratched from the way he is reacting.

At the trembling gasp and the softly demanded, “Wait,” I pause in the meticulous rim job I am giving Sasuke.

“Wait,” he repeats with a slightly stronger voice, “I’m gonna come if you keep doing that.”

The sound of his voice saying that, a sentence I never thought I’d hear. The vulnerability he is exposing, the power he is giving me. He is giving me the opportunity to humiliate him now or later with his lack of control. A gift and not a thoughtless gift. I sit back to marvel again at the control Sasuke is releasing to me. And he is giving it in such a Sasuke-like way, I realize In his own way and at his own speed. Letting me know at each step, I dominate at his pleasure, at his leisure. I shiver a bit at the strength of this man. Relinquishing control without submission. ‘How can I not love you, Sasuke?’

Though I pull my tongue away from his body, my hands stay on his ass kneading him, helping him back away from the edge. My hands move from his ass to his legs and down to his calves constantly kneading away the stiffness. I reach down under the bed to pull out the lube. I don’t know how much longer Sasuke is going to last, and I am not exactly sure how much longer I can bear this torture and still make it good for him.

“What do you want to do, Sasuke?” I ask honestly, “You want me to fuck you or you me.”

The boneless posture Sasuke took up during my mini massage told me everything I wanted to know. But I wanted to hear it from him.

I wait with lube in hand, not making a move. I barely hear the softly whispered, “It is your night.”

I immediately start lubing my fingers. I would push for a more definitive statement, but I already knew what the answer would be. Sasuke is giving me my night. And I can’t help but love him a little more for it.

Gently, I finger the puckered skin of his anus. I feel the muscles underneath. Unforgiving and unyielding. Rather than immediately trying to place my finger into his body, I gently press at the edges attempting to loosen the muscles. The moans Sasuke is emitting are like soft music. I feel Sasuke’s muscles begin to give and I offer a groan of my own as my finger begins to sink into his body.

“Harder,” Sasuke demands with a huff.

“Patience, teme,” I say with a smile in my voice, “Patience.”

As I slowly insert my finger, I know that my gentleness is killing him. He would love it and me if I were to just slide 3 fingers into his body and get on with it. And maybe, if we had more time, I would have given him that. But I want him to have one moment in his life where there is no pain. I want him to know what sex can feel like.

Sasuke’s moans never rise in pitch as I slowly prepare him for me. He tries to push back against my hand and take over the task, but I have none of that. Every time he tries to force me to give him more, I take what I have given back. By the time I feel he is ready, Sasuke is almost half out of his mind or as much as that is capable for him. I know if I let the preparation go on for 5 minutes longer, Sasuke would probably start begging. But I don’t want him to beg. And he would never forgive me if I made him beg. So I don’t. I don’t want him to break apart. All I want him to feel the air around him differently from this point forward. To know that he is surrounded at all times with the world I made, my atmosphere. I would dare to hold him together with my air, like he put me back together with his fire.

'He is ready. So am I.' I quickly lube my cock, place the blunt head at his entrance and begin to push inside. Even though Sasuke has been taking four fingers for 15 minutes, he is still so tight, I sob aloud at the feel of him closing around me. The moans from Sasuke do not stop even while he concentrates on taking me in. No pain.

Slowly, I penetrate him so that I come to rest balls deep in his ass. It is only then when I reach down and pull Sasuke up so that his chest rests on my back and his head rests on my shoulder, that I let myself fall back to rest my body weight on my heels. Spreading his legs farther so that his slightly added height does not cause me to slip from his body, I feel the pressure of Sasuke resting on my body, on my cock, and all the way to my toes. Resting my right hand on his lower abdomen and throwing my left arm across his upper chest, I make a small circular motion of my hips has us both moaning. This position doesn’t allow for the deepest penetration, but my goal tonight is for him to feel no pain.

Turning my head to kiss Sasuke’s neck, I begin a teasing rhythm. I know that I should shove his face into the bed and make it hard and fast. But I can’t. ‘No pain.’ I whisper my love into his neck and he sighs turning his face towards mine allowing me to place hot kisses along his jaw. I quickly look down and watch his beautiful cock dangling between his legs, hard and wet. When my eyes turn back to him, I see him staring at me out of the corner of my eyes.

While I played with his body and tried to memorize him, I’d forgotten about those eyes. I’d forgotten that he’d confessed his love to me. In my desperation to make him feel my love, I’d forgotten that I was loved. But it was there. In his eyes, it was there. So much love it hurt me to see it. So much love that I couldn’t stop the tears from falling.

Sasuke takes my hand and moves it to his cock.

“Make me come,” his raspy voice demands, “like this. Right now.”

The emotion welling up in me did nothing to damper my desire it only enhanced it. I immediately quicken my thrusts and wrap my fingers around his cock. Technique forgotten, plan forgotten. All I can do is feel how good it is to be inside Sasuke, to have him looking at me like I am all he will ever need, and to be wrapped around his body, protecting him from anyone who would harm him.

I can feel by the thickening of his cock that Sasuke is on the brink of orgasm. The tightening of his anus makes me offer a guttural groan while I throw my head back.

“Look at me,” Sasuke demands.

Without thinking I return my gaze to his face as he falls apart. Watching Sasuke come is a revelation. Watching his eyes glaze over and his face clench is fascinating, but it is the expression of hope that floods into his face that is a surprise. The hope that made it impossible for me to ever give up on him transforms his face in a smile so bright- too bright. Bright as the sun. What I though was hope was actually love. Love for me. It is all so clear. Watching the best part of him come to the surface and shine openly on his face along with the clenching around my cock, forces an orgasm from me. I would feel cheated; my orgasm was not nearly as pleasurable as it could have been. But watching him come, seeing that smile…a miracle. I shut my eyes against it, slumping bonelessly against Sasuke. I shut my eyes against the realization that I have always been the best part of Sasuke and the question of whether he is also the best part of me.

At some point, Sasuke turns and catches me before I fall to the side of the bed. My softened cock had slipped from his body a while ago. But I couldn’t bring myself to move. As he manhandles me down to the bed so that we are lying side by side facing each other, I realize again that this man has loved me forever.

I can feel him watching me, but I am not sure if I can face him. Not now, not after seeing him so undone, so open. After a few more long moments, I know I cannot hide behind my own closed eyes any longer. Opening my eyes, I see Sasuke waiting for me to return to him. After several moments of intense staring, I witness another miracle. Sasuke breaks into another smile, more intimate than the one he gave Neji, and more heartfelt than the any he’d ever deliberately given me before. Exquisite. There is no other word to describe it.

I don’t return the smile until I hear two unexpected words.

“No pain,” Sasuke says softly, maintaining that small, soft smile.

With that admission, I feel my lips widen into a soft smile of my own. Hoping that he can see reflected there all the love I have for him and all of the hope I once had in us.

‘No matter what, I will love you forever, Sasuke.’

TBC

A/N: The next chapter is complete. I hope to add it sometime next week. My plan is to not post until another chapter is complete. I also have plans to finish this fic before the end of the year.... :-)