Almost Sucks

Almost Sucks
by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: May 5th 2006, Friday
second version: August 19th 2008, Tuesday

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DISCLAIMER: I don’t own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I’m just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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20: Possibility

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It was raining when the bus turned and started up the small road to the station. Lee couldn’t help but wonder if it had been raining all the time here, because it had poured when he left as well. Probably not though; over a week of constant raining was unlikely.

Lee had been out of the country, participating in a training camp at a monastery squeezed in between crags in desolate mountains, far from civilization. Hard training, hard beds, rocks for floor and no electricity; Lee had loved it.

He was lucky enough that the teachers in school understood, or at least accepted his passion. They had let him take the week off, if he promised to work hard afterwards and catch up on what he’d missed. And of course he had. Lee preferred working harder. In everything really. When training; in school. Doing things in moderation made Lee feel lazy, and that made his skin itch. When he was younger, Lee had been absolutely certain that he got horrible rashes if he stayed still for too long and his teachers at school had mistaken his preventive measures for some sort of attention disorder. Fate must have kept Lee’s fondness of working harder in mind when it set up his relationship with Gaara, because there was nothing moderate about him; not when Lee had first met him, and not now.

Lee saw Gaara almost immediately when the bus came closer to the station. He was standing under a bright red umbrella, bright red rubber boots against the dark, wet asphalt. There was a small crowd around him, waiting for the bus like he did, though they were mothers or fathers, not boyfriends. One of the mothers was talking to Gaara it seemed, not noticing the blank stare that said he had turned off his ears. She was smiling and waving her hands, her yellow rain clothes bright and shining just like Gaara’s. The whole crowd was a blotch of different bright rain clothes and umbrella colors.

When Gaara had first started showing up when Lee had practice or tournaments, the parents of Lee’s teammates had been afraid of him. Everyone had been afraid of Gaara back then, everyone aware of what he had done. It had taken some time, but now the parents were happy to see him. Lee supposed they saw him as proof of some sort; proof that bad guys didn’t necessarily have to be bad all the time, that change was possible and there was hope for even the harshest of youths. They acted like grandparents when Gaara showed up.

Gaara said he didn’t mind, but Lee could see in his eyes that he did. Not because it was frustrating to handle a horde of adoptive grandparents, although Lee was sure that it was, but because their joy over a changed youth acted as a reminder, telling Gaara ‘look how far you’ve come from where you were’ and it was the last ‘where you were’ part that Gaara focused on. It was guilt that Lee saw in Gaara’s pale green eyes; and that he liked their pampering made it even worse. Just like Gaara.

The bus stopped and those who hadn’t already got up from their seats and grabbed their bags. Lee picked his bag, an extra large sized one, from the shelf above his head. Their trainer told them once again that he knew they were tired but there was practice tomorrow as usual. Then the doors opened and the team started trailing out into the rain, toward waiting parents and Gaara.

Lee was smiling as he stepped onto the asphalt, jumping to miss a big pool of water. He called Gaara’s name and Gaara peered at him from under the umbrella. There was something cold and indifferent in his gaze that some boyfriends might have seen as discouraging, but Lee knew better. He didn’t hesitate to run over, haul Gaara into the air and twirl them both around several times, extra large sized bag, umbrella and everything.

Gaara was subdued when they walked in the rain away from the station, avoiding the rivers and lakes that had formed by the rain on the asphalt. He held onto the umbrella, while Lee held onto his bag. If it had been a normal day, Gaara would have let Lee take the umbrella too and cuddled close to avoid the rain, but it wasn’t.

If Lee had been away for a longer period of time and came back Gaara wasn’t like he usually was the first hours. He didn’t smile or talk, didn’t say he had missed Lee or shower him with bottled up affection. Gaara wasn’t rejecting Lee. He let him talk and laugh and smile; he let himself be swirled around in the air without protesting. He just didn’t act himself. The only thing he did was being semi-close, ‘an arm’s length away’ close. It was like he needed some time to adjust, like during the time they had been apart Gaara had forgotten how to be, how to act, when they were together.

The first time, Lee had been worried and wondered if maybe Gaara had changed his mind about liking him. He hadn’t been away for very long that time, just a few days, but it had felt like a month, or a year.

Gaara always said it was fine when Lee said he was going away. He didn’t pretend he was happy about it, but he wasn’t being unreasonable either. He knew that training and competing was important to Lee and knew that sometimes it would take Lee away for a while. But still, Lee knew that Gaara didn’t like it when he was away. He missed him, more than people usually missed people they liked when they went away, or so Lee suspected.

Gaara was good at hiding his problems; Lee wouldn’t have noticed anything over the phone if he hadn’t known and Naruto never seemed to notice anything either, nor did Gaara get into any trouble at school. But he wasn’t good enough to fool his family. Temari had told Lee what happened when he was away. Gaara had even more trouble sleeping and sometimes he stayed up all night; he got migraines, ‘chews painkillers like candy’ were Temari’s words, and drank much more coffee than usual.

Lee had been horribly remorseful when he first found out and started thinking that maybe he could stop going away. He could train at home and only go on one-day tournaments closer to home. But Temari had read his mind and strongly advised him against it.

‘Do you want to burden him with even more guilt?’ she had said and burrowed angry eyes into Lee. ‘Why do you think he hasn’t told you?’

Lee knew that she was right. Gaara would know that something was wrong if Lee stopped going away, he would ask why and Lee could keep no secrets from him. Temari had also said that while painful some practice in these things was good for Gaara.

‘It’s one more part of life that you can teach him about,’ she had said.

Temari was a smart woman. And fortunately it wasn’t very often that Lee went away for longer periods of time.

The rain had calmed down some, but in exchange murmurs of thunder could be heard now, coming from some place far away. Despite the weather though, the walk was refreshing; especially since Lee had spent the last few hours on the bus trying to ignore the itching in his skin. About halfway from the station to Lee’s place they turned away from the road and went into the woods for a shortcut. The ground and moss was soggy, but the rain fell even softer under the trees and the moisture in the air made all the scents of the woods stronger.

Lee really liked the woods. Oh, he liked all kinds of places where nature was close, but the woods in particular. It was peaceful, but at the same time filled with strength and power. Lee had spent much time in the woods when he was young, training or exploring, alone or with his father Gai. Over the years, Lee had managed to explore every inch of forest within an hour’s run from his house. He had explored much of the forest outside of that circle too, if not as thoroughly. When he was young, Lee had wanted to be like the woods. Calm, serenity incarnate, but at the same time terribly strong. The want had stayed with him even when he grew up.

Gaara liked the woods too, but not as much as Lee did; not in the same way as Lee did. He enjoyed the calm and recognized the power, but he wasn’t as amazed by it as Lee was; it didn’t render him almost breathless. Gaara didn’t always want to take the shortcut through the woods. But Lee was certain that the woods did more for Gaara than Gaara realized. It was good for him, especially when he was out of balance. Lee always made sure to take the shortcut when he had come home from being away and Gaara was not as he usually was.

The house was empty when they got home, Gai still at work; it wasn’t even lunch after all. Gaara was supposed to be in school, but had called in sick.

When they had gotten out of their wet clothes and into dry ones (it went without incidents because Gaara still wasn’t himself), Lee made lunch and they ate. Lee did most of the talking. The rain had stopped and the sun had managed to find a hole in the still dark clouds to brighten the table with its rays, though the thunder still rumbled now and then.

Presence was starting to return to Gaara’s eyes and little by little he started to talk. Seeing the indifferent Gaara was always hard, but seeing him change back again, to normal, was like watching a fast version of spring replacing winter; delightful, inspiring and reassuring.

‘There’s always hope.’

‘The sun always comes back.’

‘Everything is possible.’

It just takes some time.

After lunch, Lee washed the dishes and Gaara dried them off. After dishes they moved into the living room and snuggled down with blankets and snacks and the sitcom and soap opera marathon that was TV in the afternoon on weekdays. Even though it was really too warm for blankets, and even though Lee was picky about what he ate and only watched TV when they showed martial arts.

It was fine. It was Gaara’s thing. Gaara watched silly TV wrapped in blankets even though it was hot and he could eat anything in any amounts and still look underfed. Lee could watch any amount of sitcoms and soap operas if Gaara needed him to. And if Gaara just needed the company, Lee could watch him instead of the TV.

“Do you want me to help you with that headache?” Lee asked softly, when one sit-com and one and a half soap-opera had passed and the creases between Gaara’s eyes hadn’t disappeared.

It wasn’t a very bad headache or Gaara would have asked for painkillers or gone and fetched some, but it was enough for Lee to want it away. Gaara glanced at him and the frown deepened. He didn’t bother to use words to ask; he didn’t need to. Lee smiled and that was the answer.

‘How do you know?’

‘I know, silly.’

Gaara sighed without making a sound, then he shifted in the blanket he had swept around himself and lay down with his head in Lee’s lap. Lee’s fingers made their way over to the sides of his head, finding the right spots and rubbing them slowly.

On the screen a young woman and a young man were arguing about which one of them had misplaced the coffee machine, not noticing how their excessively clever dog crawled out from its hiding place behind the sofa, dragging the thing in its mouth to the sound of recorded laughter.

Soon Gaara was asleep. Not a deep slumber, but deepened breathing and relaxing muscles in his body. Lee smiled.

‘Nothing’s impossible.’

He let himself fall asleep as well and slept until Gaara woke him up with a soft and impossibly gentle kiss; followed by a soft smile filled with gratitude and a soft, barely audible ‘thank you’. And all was fine again; back to normal.

-

There were things Gaara refused to let go of, even if intellectually he knew that he should. The biggest of those things was his guilt. Gaara had done bad things. He had told Lee about a few of them, during rare moments of sharing his past; others of those things Lee had experienced firsthand. But most of those bad things, Lee didn’t know anything about; except how the memory of them affected Gaara.

A part of Gaara was nothing but pure care and kindness. It cared beyond words about others, friends and family but also complete strangers; cared about their wellbeing and happiness. Lee didn’t know why Gaara had done the things he had done, why that kind, kind part of him had been pushed aside back then, but he knew that now it regretted past deeds so intensely that it was a miracle that Gaara was still alive. It tore at Lee’s soul to even think it, but parts of Gaara would rather not be at all anymore.

It was for his family and his friends that Gaara stayed alive. For Temari and Kankuro. For Lee and Naruto. Where others filled with guilt and death wish said ‘I will spare you the burden of me’, Gaara said ‘I will not cause you anymore pain’. It was the least he could do.

Lee believed that other parts of Gaara saw his choice as punishment, ‘live with the guilt because you don’t deserve to be free of it’; but that kind, kind part of him lived because he cared about the ones that had grown attached to him.

He was still himself, neither a pushover nor a martyr. Gaara knew who he was and that, even though they complained from time to time, it was that person that the people who cared about him wanted. Gaara not just lived for the ones he cared about, he was Gaara for them.

Lee didn’t know how the red tattoo had come to be on Gaara’s forehead or who had chosen the symbol, but ‘love’ was a perfect match for him.

-

When those first hours of cold indifference had passed, Gaara was very clingy. And in this case ‘very clingy’ really meant very clingy. Gaara turned into an extension of Lee’s body, like an extra arm or a leg; except he kept moving around. For a while he was glued to one of Lee’s arms, or the other, then he had his arms wrapped around Lee’s waist and pressed against his back; some moments later he would do the same thing but press against Lee’s stomach instead. It didn’t matter what Lee did; ate, slept, went shopping, took a shower, Gaara would be there. It was nice, very nice. Having been away from Gaara for so long, Lee appreciated the overdose.

In the morning, the day after the day Lee had come home again, he woke up to the feeling of a tongue behind his ear. It was more of a possessive marking of territory really, than something seductive. A typical Gaara thing.

“Good morning,” Lee mumbled and smiled without opening his eyes. He lifted the one of his arms that Gaara hadn’t snaked around himself and reached over to fiddle with the red bangs.

“Morning,” Gaara breathed. The licking ceased, a sigh warmed Lee’s skin. Then the mouth disappeared and the mattress shifted. Lee opened his eyes and found Gaara looking at him, smiling.

“You taste of the mountains,” he said.

“Do I?”

“Yes.”

“How do mountains taste?”

“Good,” Gaara’s eyes glittered playfully and he leaned forward to press a kiss to Lee’s lips. And another one, more eager and with more tongue. Lee allowed a third and a fourth one too but when not just Gaara’s face but his whole body came closer, and when his hands started roaming, he hurried to ask:

“What’s happened here? While I was gone.”

While he was could still remember that he was interested in talking. Because he was. They hadn’t talked at all when Lee was in the mountains, the downside of desolate places, and not much yesterday when Gaara had turned back to normal either; had been busy with other things once Gaara got back to being as he usually was.

For a split-second Gaara looked annoyed and his eyes darkened, then they softened again and he licked his lips; settled on top of Lee, hands folded under his chin.

“Naruto got together with Sasuke.”

Lee’s eyes widened.

“Are you serious?”

“Would I joke about our dear friend’s until recently nonexistent love life?”

“Wha...? But... Already?”

Gaara snorted a giggle and the pale eyes squeezed shut.

“I know.”

Not even a month had passed after all. Lee hadn’t even had a chance to meet his friend’s obsession yet. Naruto had been talking about marriage at fifty, there was supposed to be plenty of time left.

The last thing Lee had heard about the Naruto/Sasuke affair was that after the sleepover, where Sasuke had kissed Naruto to scare him off and Naruto had kissed Sasuke in his sleep to... well, to kiss him, Lee assumed, Sasuke had been sick and Naruto hadn’t seen him for over a week.

‘It’s like he’s gone!’ Naruto had complained, sitting on Lee’s bed while Lee was packing on Sunday, one week and four days ago. ‘I have to see him!’

‘I’m sure he will be better tomorrow,’ Lee had said. He hadn’t thought Sasuke would be that much better.

If he had to be honest, Lee had worried about Naruto and his crush on the angry, handsome stranger. His friend had a tendency to get too worked up about things. If Naruto decided that things should be one way, he’d move mountains and stop time to make it happen. Calling Naruto stubborn was like calling the sun kind of hot. Yes, Fate must have been thinking about Lee’s dislike for moderation when it set up his relationship with Naruto as well.

But there was only so much that persistence could do here. If Naruto had just wanted to be friends with Sasuke it would have been a different thing, but boyfriends? If Sasuke had been straight, there wouldn’t have been anything Naruto could have done. Lee was as relieved as he was amazed.

“Wow,” he said and couldn’t stop grinning.

“Yeah. I’m so proud,” Gaara said and burrowed his face in Lee’s neck. “We should buy him a cake and condoms.”

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