Breaking Apart

Chapter 21: On Fools and Friends

Warning: Unbeta'd. I apologize for the typos.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, nor do I make any profit off of this fic.


‘Naruto’

It was only a matter of time before the real pain would begin. The night ended with a shared shower and Sasuke collapsing into bed, sleep before his head hit the pillow. I couldn’t sleep. I watched him. Memorizing him. His smell, the rise and fall of his chest, his warmth. I allowed my best memories of him to parade across my mind. Smiling at times, silently crying at others. I let my emotions bleed from me. Knowing that Sasuke would not awaken. Between his trip from the Sand and my ‘night,’ there was no way he was going to allow my emotions to shake his slumber. So while he slept, I remembered. I remembered our first accidental kiss. That stupid pout he made afterward. I remembered and tried to imprint into my memories the best come face I would ever see. Reconciling the little boy who was my friend with the man who was my lover, even if only for four days.

I remembered seeing myself in him, as a lonely child and as an in-love adult. I don’t know how many times I conceded the unbreakable bond between Sasuke and myself before I wept over the futility of such a realization. Yes. We are soul mates. No. We are not headed to a ‘happy ever after.’ ‘Shit. How depressing.’ I think trying to lighten my own mood with understatements. It won’t work.

The approaching dawn witnessed my entire world falling apart. It witnessed my goodbye to the life I would always want, and my hello to the life I was doomed to lead. To say that the dawn brought pain is yet another understatement. While Sasuke slept, I faced the rest of my miserable life and it was sobering. I didn’t jump when Neji hit the wall to indicate his readiness like Sasuke did. The noise startled Sasuske awake. I was already ready for the day, ready for my life. I’d said my goodbyes and it was time to move on.

We got ready to depart for the Sand Village in deafening silence. Just because I was prepared to move on did not mean I was ready to deal with Sasuke. So I prepared my masks for the day without needless chatter and Sasuke built his walls anew in his traditional stoic silence. We put our ‘selves’ back on. Our personas back together. Leaving behind our honesty so that we could encounter the world again as Sasuke and Naruto. Not as an ‘us,’ but as a him and a me.

I watched each wall go up around Sasuke’s inner life with a sense of loss. The distance between us grew and the urge to fall to the floor and wail became overwhelming at some point. I have no idea why Sasuke remained silent really. I have no idea what he went through as he prepared to face the first day of the rest of his life. But I knew that if I uttered one sound I would never be finished with Sasuke. Even now, almost three days later, it is hard to remember that night and believe that it will be the last time I will have that closeness, the last time we will destroy each other with passion, the first and last time I will see that smile-

Tearing my thoughts away from memories best left alone, I focus on finishing our journey. We are finally an hour away from the Sand Village. We can’t get there too soon as far as I am concerned. Watching the increasing closeness between Sasuke and Neji has been killing me. I can barely bring myself to talk to Sasuke. And watching Neji care for Sasuke is killing me. ‘That’s my job!’ I think, knowing that I am wrong. That used to be my job. A job he never let me do. Now, apparently it is Neji’s job to hold Sasuke together. Watching Sasuke accept Neji’s care and concern has made my already bleeding heart gush at points during this trip. It makes me long for my own friend, someone who will care for me like I am precious just because I am me. A friend that is only my friend the way Neji seems to be only Sasuke’s friend.

Oh, it didn’t take me long to realize that Neji and Sasuke are just friends. Their relationship has never even hinted at anything sexual. ‘What did I expect? Those two have been partners for 4 years now.’ That kind of connection creates kinship in even the worse combinations of personalities. But the pitying glances Neji sends me, instead of offering real comfort, is making this trip torturous. I learned to embrace that hurt though. It reminds me why I have to keep to my convictions and cut all ties to Sasuke. No matter how much it hurts. We are not good together. He is not good for me.

With that thought, I speed up a little. Sasuke and Neji insisted on taking the traditional three days to travel to the Sand Village. I had little choice with the two of them against me on this decision. They are both concerned, or so they said, that I not overextend myself before the mission officially begins. I didn’t fight them. Why? They are right. I have not traveled long distances in several years. It turns out they were right, anyway. I was so tired at the end of each day I could barely keep my eyes open. My dreams were sweet though. ‘Another life.’

I feel Sasuke’s eyes resting on my back with concern. I know he is dying to tell me to slow down. He has been dragging his ass this entire trip. Going slower than I needed to go. I know he is dreading arriving at the Sand. We can see the Village on the horizon. Of course, it appears closer than it is. That is the first thing every new genin learns about the Sand, distances are never as they appear in this part of the world. We are almost there though. I can almost feel Gaara’s presence. This world suits him. The beautiful mounds of sand look smooth to the touch, but one hard fall will teach one differently. ‘Just like Gaara. He has always been so damn pretty,’ I think as I smile to myself. ‘One wouldn’t know from just looking at him that he is far from soft. The look of all that milky white smooth skin is deceptive. Touching him is like fingering sandpaper. I do love that about him.’ My smile widens at the thought of seeing my long-time friend again. I increase my sped more. The sooner we make it to the Sand Village the better. ‘This is going to be great!’

‘Sasuke’

The only thing I remember is the knock on the wall, then calmness and numbness. I grew calmer with every mask Naruto donned. Watching him disappear behind those masks comforted me somehow. It seemed as if every moment introduced me to a new ‘phantom’ Naruto. But the entire process numbed me a bit. Over the past couple of days, I slowly worked out why I responded to Naruto’s distancing that way. ‘The Many-Masked-Naruto is my Naruto too.’ Besides that Naruto’s body language reeked of misery. It didn’t take a genius to realize that the slightest pressure on him at that point might have lead to an unpredictable disaster. Like Neji said yesterday, Naruto needs space. It is time to wait.

I also take some comfort in the fact that even with all those masks, none of them manage to disguise his anguish. ‘Unnecessary suffering,’ I think as I watch Naruto pick up speed as we head to the Sand Village. All he needs to do is turn to me and I will try to never hurt him again. ‘Not that I tried to hurt him the first time exactly,’ I snort to myself. Neji says that I have a lot to learn. Maybe. But I do know that I love Naruto. He will have to deal with that and me for the rest of his life, whether he wants to or not. On this I will not compromise. I am sure Naruto believes that he will be able to leave me behind in the Sand Village. I will never allow him to forget I exist. Never.

Still, watching the Sand Village draw nearer is like feeling the life drain from my body. It is all becoming more real. Neji is right. I am going to have to learn to live without Naruto and learn new ways of approaching the world from that new life.

But I still will not let him forget. ‘Hn,’ I snort, ‘Easier said than done.’ Naruto’s coldness throughout this trip was not unexpected, but the consistency of the cold shoulder- I figured that Naruto wouldn’t be able to last 3 days without exploding with his usual exuberance. But ‘the pensive and dismissive Naruto’ has been the only face he has been willing to show this entire trip. He ignores my stares. He refuses to talk to me. He only speaks when addressed by Neji.

‘Giving him space is going to be a bitch.’ Several times during this trip I thought to kill him. Neji, of course, sensing my rage would take me aside and either talk me down or physically subdue me. Each time I let him. Naruto’s death would mean my own. As bad as things look right now, death is not yet the last option. However, should the time arise when I believe that I have genuinely lost Naruto for good, I will not hesitate to take his life and my own. I am not wired to act any other way. All or nothing. I will endure this half existence as long as it is temporary. But as soon as it becomes permanent-

‘Of course, it is temporary,’ I think. That night- Remembering Naruto’s consuming gaze, his tenderness, his love. I felt his devotion to me. The air danced with it. It couldn’t have been a lie. He is killing himself right now to take this attitude. I have to believe that. As the Sand Village nears, I rehearse all of my reasons for believing that Naruto loves me more than anyone in that village. But it is a small comfort.

Each night I’ve had to sit through Neji’s encouraging words. Telling me how worthy a clan brother I am for maintaining my distance from Naruto. I take some solace in knowing I am not alone, but it is small. Neji is not my dobe. He can never be Naruto. But those people in the Sand who Naruto is rushing to see, no matter who they are, can never be me. Not for Naruto. At one point, he will realize that and he will return to me. I just need to be there when he has that realization.

When I offered myself to him, I did so with the knowledge that giving him ‘his night’ would offer me a front row seat in his life. He wanted that night and I wanted his gratitude. I’d begun to doubt the soundness of my plan, when after almost 36 hours Naruto had only said 5 words to me. But I take comfort in knowing I can kill him whenever I want. Giving him a chance to come back to me is not a bad idea right now. The only problem is staying calm while Naruto attempts to live without me. I guess if worse comes to worse I can let Neji paralyze me again. I know that he would never let harm come to me. I trust Neji, after all.

Turning that emotion around in my head, I realize that I trust him more than I trust Naruto. I trust Neji with my life. I trust Naruto to act like Naruto, and that is not always going to bode well for my life. But I love Naruto. I am not certain I love Neji. Love is not required for our relationship. But I would fight almost to the death for Neji’s life and he for mine. ‘That’s enough.’

‘Neji’

‘They are both fools,’ I think to myself. ‘Why must I consistently be plagued by the fools of the world?’ Glancing at the Sand Village on the horizon with a sense of dread that began in me when I realized that Naruto is a Hunter-nin. The tense relations between Sasuke and Nartuo this trip have only served to triple the intensity of that emotion.

Shikamaru And I listened to their exchange most of the night before we left, both of us wishing for a good end to what looked to be the beginning of a needless stand-off. I should have known that Sasuke would not know how to respond to Naruto’s desires. He should have begged. He should have cried. He should have pleaded. But he didn’t. ‘Of course, he didn’t. Sasuke has the emotional depth of a gnat.’ And I may be giving him too much credit in that assessment. Glancing over at his stoic face, I heave an internal sigh. ‘I am fond of my clansman. But damn his pride!’

Oh, I know all about pride. I am from a proud clan. And together, Sasuke and I make a proud people. Genuine intelligence, though, is knowing when to put aside pride to get one wants. After all, how much more pride would Sasuke have had if we were arriving in the Sand Village assured in the reality that he was Naruto’s one and only lover? Just a little bit of begging… ‘Kami save me from the stupidly prideful.’

Shikamaru thinks my list of necessary actions for Sasuke is too optimistic. But I know Sasuke. And I know clan existence the way that Shikamaru never will. Making Sasuke a part of my clan was not just because I have considered him my default brother for at least 2 years now, but I did it to jolt Sasuke out of his unproductive frame of mind. He needs a clan. He was raised with clan. Without it, he was lost. As soon as I realized his pain, so similar to mine, I knew I could no sooner leave him alone in the world than I could leave Shikamaru when I found him alone and broken, a casualty of Sasuke’s war with himself and the world. That is what drew me to Shikamaru initially. He was a connection to my chosen clansman even when Sasuke was not ready to acknowledge such a relation. But in cleaning up after Sasuke, I found a man who was easy to live with, a companion. I wouldn’t say that I love Shikamaru, but I wouldn’t say that I don’t love him. Anyway, now is hardly the time for such considerations. All that is over now anyway. Shikamaru is probably completely moved out of our apartment by now. ‘It was nice, but it was definitely time for both of us to move on.’

As the Sand Village draws nearer, Konoha draws farther away and my period of sharing Shikamaru’s intimate life suffers a quiet death. I should probably be more affected, but I will leave those concerns for another day as well. If I dwell too long on those thoughts I will need to reflect upon the strange goodbye Shikamaru gave me that morning. Now is just not the time to interpret cryptic words from a cryptic man.

Turning my attention back to Sasuke, I heave a silent sigh. He has caused me innumerable amount of trouble. But he is what he has been made to be. We are all as we were made. I would no sooner blame Naruto for his carelessness in being held in the Sound Village, than blame Sasuke for destroying it. Those events were inevitable. Sasuke as my brother? Inevitable. Shikamaru as my once lover? Inevitable. Those two, Naruto and Sasuke, are inevitable. The sooner they see that, the sooner one part of this mission will be over.

I have no idea what the Hokage expects from this mission. But I have three goals. 1) apprehend Ino, 2) root out and destroy the jutsu shop, and 3) mend my brother’s ties to his humanity and, by extension, to Naruto. Those are my mission objectives, in that order. I will not leave the Sand Village until all of these missions are accomplished. Because if I fail and we attempt to return from the Sand Village with even one of those tasks left undone, everything I hold dear will be threatened either by war with the Sand or war with Sasuke and both events spell unacceptable bloodshed. ‘Probably, my own.’ I think looking at the buzzards circling in the distance, reminding me all too clearly of another cryptic message I’d receved recently from Gaara.

‘Kami save me from the fools of the world,’ I think with a sigh.


‘Gaara’

Scenting the air, I wait. The sand is being disrupted. ‘Naruto is coming.’ The palace is buzzing around me. I ignore it. Temari is chirping unnecessary questions about Ino and her upcoming trip to Konoha. Kankuro is pretending to be calm even knowing his former lover is less than an hour away. I just wait. The plan is in place. The players are arriving. If I was one given to smile foolishly, I would be beaming. ‘Welcome my friend. Welcome home.’


End of Part I


A/N: So this is the end of the first part. There will be one more part to this fic that will be roughly 20 chapters long as well.

Author's updated note:I WILL continue posting this on AFF. Sorry about the scare. It has been almost two years since I've been doing steady updates on this thing and...well, who cares what I thought. But I WILL CONTINUE POSTING ON AFF. Sorry about that!