Almost Sucks

Almost Sucks
by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: May 19th 2006, Friday
second version: August 22nd 2008, Friday

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DISCLAIMER: I don’t own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I’m just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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21: Saturday bun rolls and shopping

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Only on Sundays did Iruka allow himself to sleep in; on Saturdays he got up the same time as on weekdays. Yes, Saturdays were days off too, but Iruka was sure that the reason Sunday mornings were so enjoyable was because there was only one of them.

It wasn’t that Iruka was a morning person; he just didn’t feel productive if he slept until noon. There were so many things he wouldn’t have time to do and doing things was important to him. ‘Life is what you do,’ Iruka’s aunt used to say. ‘If you fall asleep the moment you hit the mattress you know you’ve had a good day.’

Some Saturdays, especially in the winter, when the floor was cold and the bed was terribly comfortable, Iruka wanted to stay in bed all day and wished he had grown up with another aunt. But he struggled through those early mornings and was always grateful he had once the smell of the bread in the oven started spreading.

He kept the same routines even through the holidays, the shorter ones scattered over the year and longer summer and winter holidays. Naruto sometimes said that he was crazy. ‘Just sleep!’ the boy had yelled more than once, but Iruka was determined; because he believed in his way of living, and also because he feared he might lose the routine if he strayed.

This day was a Saturday, so Iruka woke up early. It was a beautiful Saturday too, sunlight playing on the wallpapers being the first thing Iruka saw when he opened his eyes and had blinked away the blur. Outside the window birds were singing. The bed was comfortable but Iruka resolved. It was the last day of August.

Usually Iruka made bun rolls on Saturdays, but today he had planned a loaf instead. Flour, seeds, yeast and water mixed in a big bowl with a big spoon, the effortlessness of many years of practice and the leisure of having all morning. Iruka loved baking on Saturdays.

There were patches of sun scattered on the floor. Beautiful Saturday. Perfect for shopping. When the bread was in the oven, Iruka went upstairs to wake Naruto. The boy didn’t share Iruka’s enthusiasm for getting up early anymore, but that didn’t mean Iruka was going to let him sleep all day. Especially not if they were shopping.

After knocking, he waited until he heard the grumbled moan that surely would translate to ‘go away’, then he entered. Frowning and carefully maneuvering around the things littering the floor (he had fallen victim to Naruto’s poor cleaning skills many times in the past and didn’t think he’d ever be able to walk through that room without caution), Iruka made his way to the window, pulled aside the curtains and let the sun in.

A new, even more displeased grumble came from the bed and the bundle of comforter, legs, arms, sheets halfway off the bed and an unruly blond mop of hair that was Naruto and his bed in the mornings shifted.

“I’ll have none of that,” Iruka said on his way over to the other window, picked up some pieces of clothing from the floor and tossed them on the armchair. “Time to get up, come on. We’ve got shopping to do.”

Naruto grumbled again and this time a blue eye opened, blinked and squinted in the bright light.

“And clean this mess up, will you?” Iruka sighed. “What if Sasuke-kun comes over?”

“Don’t think he will,” Naruto muttered; yawned and stretched so what was left in the bed of the sheets fell to the floor. “It’s Saturday.”

“You never know,” Iruka said. “He might.”

Sasuke-kun had been coming over a lot recently, almost every day. Naruto had said that Kakashi locked the door and refused to get a copy of the key. Iruka had said that Sasuke-kun was welcome to stay with them as much as he wanted to, as long as there was no fighting; and there didn’t seem to be.

“He doesn’t care anyway,” Naruto sighed and gave up trying to handle the light, pressing his face into the pillow.

“You should care,” Iruka huffed. “I have to watch the bread. Don’t go back to sleep, I want to leave early.”

“’Kay,” Naruto mumbled into his pillow and it seemed like he had already gone back to sleep.

Still, by the time Iruka took the bread from the oven Naruto came barging down the stairs and stumbling into the kitchen, t-shirt half-on, whining about being hungry. He never had been very good at falling asleep again if he’d been woken up, and he was even worse at being awake and still in bed.

-

Iruka had adopted Naruto when the boy was seven years old. The blond rascal of a child who had painted ‘Super Killer Whiskers of War!’ on his face had erased all other options. He had been the child with the most energy. The loudest child. The child who had screamed ‘notice me!’ so hard that his throat must have been bleeding. Iruka had struggled to hold back his tears.

It had been Iruka and Sadako visiting the orphanage; Sugimoto Sadako. She had been a friend and they were supposed to have gotten married. She was not a man, but Iruka had convinced himself that it didn’t matter. He could love her. He did love her. Iruka had been really sure that she was it.

The adoption had been Sadako’s idea. They had been together for almost two years and had many times talked about children. She wanted many children, she had said; a big family. Sadako had been an only child herself and always said how she hated not having any brothers or sisters.

It had come as a surprise to Iruka when Sadako suddenly said that she didn’t want any children of her own, that she wanted to adopt. She wanted to help children that had had a rough time; she wanted to be there for someone who needed her love. ‘Why make new children when there are children already out there, longing for parents?’ she had said. Iruka had admired her willingness to help; had smiled and said ‘okay’.

When they got in the car to leave the orphanage that first time, Iruka’s eyes still moist from emotions, Sadako said she didn’t like Naruto.

‘I don’t know why, I just...’

Iruka had been speechless at first, then he had spoken a lot; asked her to reconsider, promised it would be fine as soon as they got to know each other, gone as far as to beg. ‘He’s got your eyes,’ he had said smiling pleadingly. It was true. She had the bluest of eyes. Her doubts and her squirming hadn’t mattered. All that had mattered was the boy.

They never did get along. Naruto had tried and tried, been an angel around her and been difficult, but nothing he did made a difference. Iruka had pleaded with her again and again, had been angry, but she was not his mother, she said. ‘That boy is not my child!’ she had yelled and most nights she had cried herself to sleep.

Two months after Naruto moved in, Sadako left. She took her things and left a note on the kitchen table saying she was sorry; and then she was gone. She called Iruka at work sometimes, asking how things were, how Naruto was doing and apologizing. Sometimes she was crying and said she had been wrong and wanted to come back. Iruka always told her not to call again, but she did eventually anyway.

-

The phone rang while they were cleaning up after breakfast. Iruka’s heart jumped at the sound. It had been doing that for two weeks and two days now.

“I’ll get it!” Naruto yelled, pulled his sud-covered limbs from the dishwater and ran for the phone.

“Naruto!” Iruka protested, frowning, his focus drawn away from his heart. “Dry off.”

The boy slid to a halt and turned back; grabbed the checkered towel from Iruka’s hands before grumblingly hurrying back toward the phone, working over his arms and hands with the fabric. Iruka shook his head.

“Hi!” Naruto said and expectation danced around his entire being. His shoulders slumped only seconds later however. “Oh... Hi, Lee.”

Not Sasuke-kun. Naruto wandered off out into the hall for privacy. Iruka took over his dishes.

And not Kakashi either.

It had been two weeks and two days since the fight; since Iruka had left Kakashi’s house and told him not to follow and not to call. It was their first big fight and had been about many things; small things that had piled up without Iruka even noticing.

Iruka supposed the trigger had been Kakashi not telling him when Sasuke-kun got sick. Iruka had heard through Naruto and found that unacceptable. Kakashi had said he didn’t want Iruka to worry and Iruka had felt like a pretty crystal decoration. He’d been a parent for eight years; he knew that kids got sick. They got sick! Kids that didn’t get sick weren’t normal. Sure, Kakashi was right, he would have worried anyway; but why couldn’t he worry?

Iruka had tried to let it go; had tried to pretend it didn’t bother him because then maybe eventually it wouldn’t; but he hadn’t been able to. It had brewed and then when he found out that Kakashi had lied about that seminar when Sasuke stayed over, it had been too much.

They were in this together! They could set up secret plans together for the children to get along better; it was sly and Iruka didn’t much like it, but if it helped the children’s relationship he would do it. But there was a huge leap from that to Kakashi setting up plans by himself to manipulate Iruka.

Iruka had felt fooled and foolish, and unreasonable. He had felt like a very boring, very conservative and old man who only understood that desperate times needed desperate measures if he didn’t know just how desperate those measures were.

He felt left out. Kakashi should have told him; he should have trusted Iruka to know. He should have told him that there was no seminar and he should have told him that Sasuke was sick. If they were going to do this, Kakashi would have to tell him.

But the anger and frustration had faded now. Iruka hadn’t changed his mind about the importance of sharing and doing this together, but he had changed his mind about not wanting Kakashi to call or visit. He wasn’t sure he had even meant it when he said it. For two weeks and two days Iruka had been waiting for a defiant ‘I love you too much to listen’ response to his ‘stay away!’, but it hadn’t come.

He was worried that it was over now, between them. He was nervous and remorseful, and most of all terribly lonely.

“No, he is still not my boyfriend!”

Iruka froze in the middle of a scrub against a butter knife and blinked. Boyfriend? The phone conversation going on in the hall had so far been normal, in terms of volume, so Iruka hadn’t really listened, but the latest piece of conversation had been much louder, frustration clear in Naruto’s voice.

“You can’t trust Gaara when it comes to this,” Naruto continued, his voice lowering some. “He’s just being an ass. There’s nothing like that going on, we’re just hanging out.”

So Gaara had told Lee that Naruto had a boyfriend? Which, according to Naruto, he didn’t. Maybe he was just teasing, Gaara was good at that. Iruka finished with the butter knife and picked up another without really paying attention to it. Now that he had started listening it was hard to stop, even when the Naruto’s voice lowered even more.

“Yeah, still,” Naruto sighed. “We have lunch together in school and hang out during breaks, and he comes over after school.”

Iruka hadn’t had the stomach for any official Talk, had instead given Naruto some recommended non-fiction books dealing with the subject. However, Iruka might have handed out the books a bit too early. Naruto had read them like they were about insects or cars or flowers and then, to Iruka’s horror, had asked all sorts of questions that Iruka was sure only Naruto’s mind could conjure. It had been a horrible week with Iruka blushing more than he’d done in years.

It was during that week that Iruka had told Naruto that he personally preferred men. It had never been something that Iruka felt he needed to discuss, but since everything else had been covered then it would have been weird not to say anything. The horrified reaction that Iruka hadn’t expected, but still some part of him had feared, had never come. Naruto had shrugged and said ‘okay’, like it was wanting a blue car instead of a red one. The relief that followed (as soon as the wave of Naruto-questions concerning homosexuality was over), told Iruka he’d been worrying more than he thought.

They hadn’t really discussed the subject after that, which Iruka had assumed was perfectly fine even though they talked about pretty much everything else. Children didn’t want to talk about their parent’s love life, and since Iruka didn’t date there hadn’t been a reason to discuss it either. And Naruto had been a child, definitely not a dating person. There had been the childhood crushes, of course, and Iruka had heard of them; the grocery store cashier, a girl in Naruto’s class. But there was a big leap between childhood crushes and actually dating, and that Naruto had shared when he was younger didn’t mean he would share now. You got less eager to talk about such things with your parents when you were in Naruto’ age. You talked to your friends. Naruto would talk to Lee and Gaara. Like he did now. Iruka would have one last, more serious Talk when Naruto started dating, but he hadn’t thought that would be so soon.

And a boyfriend? Naruto liked girls, didn’t he? Not that Iruka would mind if he started dating a boy, of course he wouldn’t, it was just... There was a pause before Naruto gave a loud sigh.

“Nothing,” Naruto said. “We do nothing. We eat, then he spends the afternoon lying on my floor listening to that damned CD player of his while I do whatever. He barely says a thing.”

It was Sasuke-kun, couldn’t be anyone else. Why would Gaara say Sasuke-kun was Naruto’s boyfriend? Though it did seem like a classical teasing set-up, didn’t it? Using that ‘love always starts with fighting’, or whatever it was, saying. They had been fighting a lot and now they got along. Of course Gaara would be all over it.

“No, it’s great,” Naruto said without sounding very enthusiastic. “I mean, he’s there, it’s getting better.”

Iruka realized he’d left the dishes and silently crept halfway through the kitchen without thinking, to hear the conversation more clearly. He went back a couple of steps and tried to think of something to do.

But even though it was a perfect teasing set-up and even though Naruto had said they weren’t boyfriends, Iruka couldn’t help but feel anxious. It could have been that ‘still’ Naruto had added. Yes, if Gaara had been teasing and told Lee Naruto and Sasuke was dating several times, the ‘still’ was perfectly understandable, but... Still!

Naruto couldn’t go out with Sasuke-kun. Iruka was going out with Kakashi. They hadn’t talked for two weeks and two days but their relationship was not over, Iruka wouldn’t let it be.

But... Naruto didn’t know that, did he? And... He had been kind of... overly focused on Sasuke-kun, back when they were fighting. Iruka remembered his own words, ‘he’s turned into a caveman!’

No. Of course not. Naruto just wanted to make friends with him; Iruka had told him to be nice and make friends with him. Naruto got excited and stubborn when he’d decided to do something and someone tried to stop him. ‘Caveman’ was just Naruto being determined, not... flirting.

He had said they weren’t boyfriends and ‘still’ could be explained. Gaara was just teasing.

“I know!” Naruto exclaimed. “It’s really frustrating, but what can I do? It’s gotta start somewhere. It wasn’t like you and Gaara got together over... Err... Ah...”

Iruka had drawn even closer and stopped breathing. He flinched when Naruto suddenly started laughing loudly in a faking manner.

“I just wish he would talk some more!” he said too loudly. “I want to be friends, after all. He’s my neighbor. Ha ha!”

Naruto said good bye quickly after that and Iruka hurried back to the sink before the boy came into the kitchen again. It kept repeating in his head like a mantra.

‘Gaara is just teasing. My son does not want to date his future stepbrother. Gaara is just teasing!’

-

Iruka made sure they left as soon as they could after that, packing them into the car with environmentally friendly grocery bags made of cloth and cooler bags for milk and other fridge groceries. It was a long drive and a warm day.

Iruka had made a routine of once every two or three weeks shopping huge quantities at a supermarket just outside the city. There were at least five and usually ten versions of everything there and despite the additional cost of gasoline you saved money by going there. Iruka brought Naruto and together they would shop enough to fill every storage space in the house to the brim.

It was nice. It was the only re-occurring business Iruka had in the city and almost felt like a mini-vacation. New scenery and new people. When you went to the store at home you always ran into someone. There were colleagues, friends, Naruto’s teachers and for every student Iruka had taught there was at least one set of parents. You couldn’t just get your stuff and get out again. Of course, that no one was a stranger was one of the things that made living in a small town so charming, but now and then it was nice to be away from it. It made shopping so much easier and faster, not having to stop in every aisle and say ‘hi!’ and ‘how are you?’ and all that.

This Saturday however, even though it was a faraway place and everyone was supposed to be strangers, for the first time Iruka ran into someone he recognized. And it wasn’t just anyone. Halfway through the shopping list, by the dairy products (more specifically the flavored yoghurt), Naruto stopped so suddenly that Iruka almost ran him over with the jumbo-sized shopping cart.

“Sasuke?”

And there he was; black everywhere except where his skin showed and looking as surprised as Naruto sounded. Before Iruka’s brain could completely wrap around the situation, Kakashi was there too, standing behind a half filled shopping cart and looking as surprised as his child.

“What are you doing here?” Naruto asked Sasuke, but Iruka barely heard.

He had seen Kakashi from the window now and then even. The man had seen him too and their eyes had met for longer than they should have. It felt like things had been said but Iruka didn’t know what. He didn’t remember Kakashi being this tall close up.

The surprise on his face faded away and something else took its place, but Iruka couldn’t figure out what it was. A soft smile crept to Kakashi’s lips though and Iruka felt his throat thickening.

“Hello, neighbor,” Kakashi said, in a low murmuring voice.

“Hello.”

It took some time before Iruka got it out.

“It’s cheaper here,” he continued quickly and it sounded like he needed to justify some wrong he’d done by being here. “And they have more things. They have this yoghurt and I can’t find it anywhere else.”

Iruka laughed weakly, lifted a pack of the yoghurt and waved with it. It looked like Kakashi’s smile wanted to fade but he held on to it.

“Sasuke,” he said. “Take the cart and go ahead. You’ve got the note.”

“Hey, I don’t want…”

“Come now. I’ll buy you some extra cigarettes.”

The teenager sighed, his eyes narrowed as he snatched the cart from Kakashi and pushed it away.

“Fine.”

Kakashi raised his eyebrows and Iruka understood.

“Ah, Naruto? Do you want to go too? You could go together?”

“Yeah!” the boy looked like it had suddenly become Christmas. He took the long list from Iruka’s hand and turned the shopping cart around. “Hey, Sasuke! Wait up!”

When up-tempo rattling of their shopping carts had faded away Kakashi suggested they move from the dairy product section to someplace warmer. ‘How do you like the fruit and vegetable section?’ he asked and winked and Iruka had to smile, even though they knew they were just putting on a show.

“I didn’t expect to see you here,” Iruka said, once the air around him was warmer. He was anxious to keep up the conversation. “I’ve never met anyone I know here before. Did you used to come here before you moved?”

“We were in the neighborhood,” Kakashi said. “City business. And yeah, it’s a bit far from our place, but we came here sometimes.”

City business. Iruka couldn’t help but think about how many things that could mean and if Kakashi would ever tell him everything. But other thoughts were more urgent.

“I missed you,” Iruka said.

He’d been thinking it a lot. It had been repeating in his head since he saw that wild grey hair against the groceries, but also ever since that fight.

“I wanted you to call.”

Kakashi could have said ‘you told me not to,’ a lot of people would have, Iruka believed. And it was true. ‘Don’t call me,’ Iruka had said harshly before leaving Kakashi’s house. ‘And don’t come over.’

“I know,” Kakashi said instead. “I wanted to call you.”

And with a soft, warm and real smile, he left it at that.

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