Sassychan

Author’s Notes:
I greatly respect staircases now. That very day I slipped, twisted my ankle and got bed-ridden with nothing to do, I had taken care coming up and coming down all staircases. Actually, I look stupid now every time I make my way down a steep one, because I always hang on to dear life to the hand rail just to be certain that I would not suddenly start falling out of the blue.

Yes, I am a geek and I am scared of staircases.


DISCLAIMER:
I do not own Naruto.

Sassychan

By Boyarina

Chapter 22: Naruto Arrives and Sasuke Escapes

Naruto naturally enjoys watching his fellow ninjas spar and beat each other half to death in the effort to show one another which one really deserves the title “I am an ass kicking Konoha nin.” In fact, he couldn’t count the number of time he sat back and appreciated such a calming scene. Those bone crushing punches, those min-numbing kicks, those razor sharp kunais, and shurikens whizzing around like the kid who had been chosen to play ‘it’ in a game of tag—ahh, there is really nothing in Konoha that would have brought him this much relaxation other than the sight of ninjas in training.

…wellll, maybe a bowl or two of ramen, but that’s just a matter of opinion and whole different point entirely.

So, anyway, this is exactly what Naruto had been doing. Equipped with his collapsible lounge chair, a glass of lemonade in one hand, a stick of dango on the other, he is leisurely lounging around and cheerily observing (or at least trying to convince himself of that) the fight scene between Sasuke, Sakura, and Shikamaru. Earlier, he had decided to forget about that disturbing fiasco with that SHIT representative (honest to God though, he is going to beat the crap out of that guy once he finds out where he is) and look for Sasuke to see if that SHIT-head is bothering him too; only to find this rather glorious event.

Which is turning out not too gloriously for Sasuke.

Naruto smirked (trying to fight the impulse to help that Sasuke-teme, really) as he saw Sasuke got himself stupidly caught in Nara’s shadow jutsu. Sheesh. Wasn’t Sasuke supposedly faster than that? He had been moving so sluggishly during the entire chase, Naruto is having a hard time sitting still and keeping himself from jumping and yelling something to snap Sasuke out of whatever funk he is in.

Truth to be told, because of Sasuke’s stupidity, Naruto had not entirely enjoyed the fight scene at all. He had been twitching far too much in worry to say that he had been serenely and calmly cackling with undignified glee at the unbelievably moronic mistakes each fighter makes.

It’s very weird actually. When Sasuke nearly slipped on that banana peel or when he almost failed to make note of the bog behind him or when he imitated Keanu Reeves in the movie The Matrix as he bent himself backwards in the effort to dodge Sakura’s needles, Naruto did not, not even once, let out a snigger. He did, however, kept nibbling at the insides of his cheek in anxious anticipation of what is going to happen next. He constantly flinched at the times Sasuke stumbled due to a blow he was not able to neutralize. Seeing too much of this abuse already, Naruto started gripping his glass very tightly by the time Shikamaru and Sakura caught Sasuke in their snare.

No, Naruto definitely is not finding these stupid mistakes funny and definitely had not been watching anybody else other than Sasuke. Kinda unsettling, ain’t it? This is not all of it too. Just this second, he realized that he actually teleported right on top of Sakura (he is currently sitting on her back right now, with her sprawled on the ground, eagle style) and sent Shikamaru flying into outer space all because he saw the shadow master’s hand sticking inside Sasuke’s shirt and Sakura in the verge of pulling Sasuke’s pants down on to his knees.

Honestly, he would have to say that if they are trying to have an orgy, it greatly irked him to know that 1) he was not invited and 2)Shikamaru is there and not him. But for the record, Naruto would rather have everyone remember that he is doing this since he is strictly following the moral code of decency.

Just scratch the times he wanted to see Sakura naked.

“Saku-chan?” he asked sweetly the figure lying below him,” Why are you unzipping teme’s pants?”

With a great effort, Sakura unstuck her planted-like-a-seed-head from the parched earth (seems like he had landed on her too hard, hehehehe) and craned her neck towards him without much success.

“I’m gonna tell you the hows, the whys, the whats and the whens,” she gasped as she struggled to let the rest of her body from the neck down to follow the course of her head—twisting in the vain effort to both dislodge him and face him fully. “Right after I am done smacking you around like the racquet ball you ought to have been in the first place!”

“Ah, your words cut deep into the heart of me, Sakura,” he bantered playfully as he effortlessly countered all of Sakura’s moves to unseat him. Sakura may have monstrous strength, but considering that at the time being, she is nothing more than road kill (flattened by Uzumaki Naruto’s whomping ass), she won’t be able to do much. He is bigger, stronger, and no female would be able to best him in the fight for dominance. He is the all time powerful, demonic Kyuubi vessel! Nothing could touch him for the force had always been with him!

…now, if only Sakura could understand later on his explanation that the things that goaded him to stay seated on her--despite her warning-- are Kyuubi’s taunts about him being constantly whipped by Sakura’s bidding and watching too much Star Wars re-runs (he has both the original flick and the anime version, neat eh?)

Naruto would have beamed proudly at the thought of his most beloved movie collection but the almost hellish grunt and growls coming from below him easily transformed his grin into this “I-am-so-screwed” grimace.

“I’m telling you now Uzumaki, if you don’t get the freaking off me, I’d make you feel so sorry you had been born with a butt to sit on.”

Things are rather turning out well for Naruto. Sakura is getting breathless from the sounds of it and drastically is getting tired as her heaves are becoming more and more like involuntary muscle spasms. Yes, this Uzumaki couldn’t be more happier for Sakura would no longer have the strength to deck him (much less escape) and that he could now fully lay his attention to Sasuke-trapped-like-a-fly-Uchiha.

“Teme, you are one lousy fighter. Why the hell did you get caught?”

Considering he is all tied up, Sasuke could naught but glare at him. He could not retort. He could not infuriate him with his infuriating placard messages. Naruto could stage a party right now and make teme the donkey for the ‘pin-the-tail’ game. Sasuke, being mute and all, would not be able to say a thing about it. It is a marvelous idea. Hilariously funny! Stupendously brilliant!

But, Naruto, even if given the means to execute this, would not and could not do it. Not until he gets some answers. To be completely honest, Naruto is seething at having witnessed one of his fellow shinobi harassing one of his closest friend and teammate. The gall of that Nara! He better have some good explanation prepared for groping teme.

Or else!

“Naruto are you truly trying to flatten me?” Sakura wheezed out, something that he really is not grateful for noticing. She had ceased moving, succumbing to defeat and looking awfully woe begotten. One would think she had already given up, but Naruto knows better.

Sakura is a sly she-devil. She knows what she wants and knows how to get it.

“Isn’t it that you always want to be paper thin, Saku-chan?” Naruto smirked, grounding his butt unto the surface of Sakura’s back all the more, causing Sakura to begin thrashing anew.

“N-naruto you are so going to die—ah!” Sakura squawked. “You’re killing me!”

He rolled his eyes. “I seriously doubt I could accomplish that.” He stopped squishing her for a second and looked down to check the damage he had had wrought.

“You don’t look like you’re dying to me.” He observed her casually, trying to forget for the time being Sasuke’s presence and equally pitiful plight. Trying, but not doing a very good job at it.

(Getting stupidly caught teme! Gonna get himself groped, is he?!)

Sakura’s murderous intent increased ten-fold, becoming tangible enough that Naruto swore he could touch it. Though she stilled from pummeling the ground (Jesus, look at those potholes), Naruto took it as a bad sign and prepared himself as if a barrage of attack are coming his way.

She twisted her head again to his direction. Despite the fact that the first time she tried to do that was in vain, she still persisted on the task, making Naruto have a momentary flashback on one scene he so vividly remembered from the movie Emily Rose.

It was that particular shot when Emily twisted her head all the way to the back of her that is superimposing on Sakura’s head and body right now.

Much to his relief, she yelled, shattering the horrifying image from his head.

“Your humongous ass from Jupiter is gonna be the death of me if you don’t geroff me!”

Naruto scowled. “I don’t have a large ass. It’s well DE-VE-loped.” He grumbled and sent a silent complaint to the Heavens for cursing him with a chubby childhood. Heck, that first impression just won’t leave everybody, would it?

“Seriously! I could not breathe here, Uzumaki! Get the hell off me!”

“Answer me. What in the world are you doing to Sasuke?”

Sakura became slack-jawed. “What’s getting you so upset?”

Naruto deemed not to answer right then for the fear of saying something that might be interpreted at a whole different perspective. He clenched in his molars tightly instead, hearing them scrape so soundly he wondered if some of the enamel actually wore off.

She is asking what is getting him upset? Is that even a valid question? Everything is getting him upset!

“Naruto!”

Naruto felt his anger flare up even more upon hearing Shikamaru’s voice.

The gall of this Nara to come back here and sound outraged. This Nara is just pushing the bar TOO HIGH and Naruto’s pretty much reaching the brim of his P-A-T-I-I-E-N-C-E.

(Yes, he could spell!)

As if he hadn’t done enough damage by pinning Sasuke down with his shadow jutsu, by the time Shikamaru reached the crime scene, he actually placed himself a little to near Sasuke. Had by any chance Shika dared to stand in front of Sasuke and continued with what he is doing earlier instead of confronting Naruto, this Uzumaki would have only been too happy to DECK him. But since Shikamaru faced him like an honorable man (a very mad honorable man), Naruto would be willing enough to let him talk for, say, a few seconds.

Face all screwed up, Shika began snarling. “Okay, first off, you may NOT—though I am going to trouble myself stressing it, I am still stressing it –MAY NOT blow me off again with that troublesome wind jutsu of yours EVER again.” Shikamaru composed himself for a bit, then continued, “Secondly, Sasuke’s a girl and you seriously need to get off Sakura.” He huffed and crossed his arms, still looking as pissed as Naruto is.

For the record, as far as Naruto is concerned, Shikamaru does not have the right to be furious. In fact, if Shika thinks that Naruto would acknowledge and act accordingly to what he is demanding that he do, he would be dead wrong.

He is SO gonna blow every shinobi far, far into oblivion that they would really and be truly LUCKY to find their way back if they so much as try this atrocious act A-GAIN.

“Shika, are you gay?” Naruto asked, injecting 18 molars of Patronizing Tone in his voice.

Shikamaru completely blanked out there for a second, almost looking like Naruto had delivered him a gut wrenching punch. Then, with the side effects of being flummoxed creeping in, Shika burst out, “Why is every body asking me if I’m gay? Does a guy getting married to a girl not count as a sign of being straight anymore? I am NOT gay!”

“Why the hell are you groping teme, then?” Naruto thundered, with his fists clenched tightly. “Guys groping guys—“

Sakura interrupted him with a loud: “Enough!” Naruto would have countered that with another butt squishing action, but she slapped the ground with the palm of her hand hard to enough to cause a mini-earthquake and proceeded on launching into a long-winded tirade.

“Naruto, what in the world are you getting mad about? You’re not the one being molested!” She stopped herself, and frowned “Not that we are molesting anyone—no, no, we are just checking to see if Shika’s theory is right. Not that I believe Sasuke-kun is a girl and all, but you know, it never really hurts to have a look-see.” She took a deep breath and struggled to inhale for the continuation of her prattle, “Shika is going to see what’s inside of Sasuke’s package while I check if everything else is in order. Inside the pants…you know what I mean? That said and done, God! Naruto, you really ought to get the hell off me! Now!”

Naruto is going to let Sakura’s last statement go right over his head with not even the slightest bit of recognition. Nothing in him would be pacified until this whole thing is better explained to him so he would understand why in tarnation they came up with such a lewd solution.

“Let me see if I got you correctly.” He said, directing his gaze to Shikamaru. “You think Sasuke is a girl and, “ His voice rose, “you would still go and check her ‘package’?! Are you fucking kidding me dude?”

Incredulous, and beyond that is exactly what he is right now. If Shikamaru had not been one of his closest friends he would have definitely think that killing is way too good for him.

Instead of giving him a reply, Shikamaru’s hand went up to his face and closed in on the bridge of his nose, massaging it in what Naruto thinks is Shika’s way of saying how despicable and troublesome this is all turning out to be for him. Personally, Naruto couldn’t care a horseshit ass if he pops a vessel and keels over due to aneurysm.

“Seriously, Shika,” Naruto snarled. “If you think someone’s a girl, you just don’t go checking her ‘package’. Of all the—"

“Hey!” Shikamaru barked, interrupting Naruto in a rare display of dimwittedness. Really, Shikamaru should have known better than to grate further into his nerves at the height his anger has reached. Shikamaru is just asking for the smacking of his lifetime, isn’t he?

Not heeding the fact that Naruto has already narrowed his eyes in warning, Shikamaru plowed on. “I am going to literally check a package Tsunade-sama had given Uchiha. What in the world did you think I was going to peek into?”

Naruto quickly bit his tongue as the statement “Sasuke’s rack” crossed his mind. He ogled at the thought of THE Uchiha having, whoa, breasts; realizing just now the full impact of the consequences resulting from this sick, sick twist of fate.

It’s like he is being mocked or something.

A girl Sasuke? Where in the world did Shika came up with this idea? This is just so… unthinkable. Well, grudgingly, perhaps, a little bit fascinating. Kinda makes you wonder how a girl Sasuke would look like, act like, sound like. Would she be Sakura-ish? Ino-ish? Hinata-ish? Hmmmm, come to think of it, Sasuke’s mostly quiet, cold be a bit sarcastic, could hit almost like Tsunade-baba, could crack a dry humor from time to time—the perfect gi—

Dear Lord, was he really going to finish that? Sasuke is not a girl!

“Uzumaki! Would you PLEASE quit ignoring me and Let. Me. Up!”

Naruto held one finger up to Shikamaru as he focused back on Sakura who deemed it once again her turn to yap during his momentary lapse. Curses! He doesn’t know Sakura managed to wail in a rather strong and voluminous voice her complaint. He could have sworn he had redoubled his efforts in sitting on her heavily! Really! Had it been anyone, they would have been fighting for every breath and would not have that much air in their lungs left to choke, much less speak.

“Sasuke had gotten away!” Sakura continued, exclaiming in utmost misery, which is entirely unbelievable feat. How can this girl proceed on loudly lamenting her plight—

Hold that thought for a second.

“Now, why would Sasu…” Naruto trailed off as he turned to the direction where Sasuke was just mere minutes ago. He scratched his head upon finding only Shikamaru there, crouching, head down and staring intently on the ground. Shikamaru’s shadow justsu must have worn off and they haven’t noticed it happening until it’s too late. Still, Sasuke should not have upped and left them high and dry.

“Was Sasuke bleeding that hard?” Shikamaru asked worriedly, “There seems to quite a puddle here.”