Sassychan

Author’s Notes:
Hmmm… I know this is another disappointing chapter…I just can’t figure what to do with Sakura, you know. I think my brain is finally short circuiting.

Reviews are going to be very much appreciated. If it helps, I always make a print out of all the comments of my reviewers and put them up in frames, with your name in bold and everything. Hehehehe.

DISCLAIMER:
I do not own Naruto.

Sassychan
By Boyarina

Chapter 23: Where Sakura DID NOT find out

Sasuke has a couple of problems, She personally thinks that hey are kinda major, but it is really is just a matter of opinion, isn’t it?

If, to you, being hounded like a hog ready to be served for a feast is such a tiny and inconsequential thing compared to lack of world peace and the abundance of world hunger, well, Sasuke would not entirely blame you. But, if to you, suddenly waking up without your hose happily sticking out for its perfunctory morning hard-on, having some genius figure out you are not the same gender as before, with breasts making an impromptu appearance after you got caught by your chasers, narrowly escaping and, on top of everything else, having blood to gush out of you like your red blood cells are having a field day reproducing themselves and rushing out to see THE world is not something to be overly concerned about, Sasuke would have to suggest that you go and think about flying to the next planet or she would go there and personally make that happen for you.

Got that?

Sasuke, as you might have already gotten a clear picture of already, is striving to get to a shelter and is trying to be inconspicuous about it at the same time. It’s hard; it truly is. Having breast and dripping blood all over the place (is this what menstruating really like? Is there a faucet somewhere inside the girls’ body that is spouting all these blood out? Don’t they keel over and die due to blood loss? Does her body honestly think it would be able to keep this up for 5 days? Wouldn’t she need a transfusion by then? How in the world would a normal napkin stop her from leaking out? Would there be a bloody cork that could help her out? Is there any way to stopper these gobsmacking questions?) kind of blows your cover.

Sasuke is not entirely given to hemming and to hawing (No one has given you permission to contradict this, so shut it), but due to these relatively abnormal and frustrating circumstances, this could not be helped. Don’t worry, Sasuke is not going to bore you to tears as her way of complaining is very structured and does not just randomly start at one given point in time, because, to her, that is wasting breath and time and the complainer tends to go back at a certain topic that had been covered before. Familiar with the phrase: “And did I already mentioned that…” when in fact the speaker already divulged that 2 seconds ago?

And no. Sasuke does not do this enough times to actually come up with a way of structuring her rantings. She is just organized, that is all. Unlike some people.

Anyways, let us start this agenda with a loud and thunderous: HOLY MOTHER OF GOD THIS FUCKING HURTS!

Ohhhhhh. This holy piece of shit crapped by the dung beetle from hell. Ohhhhhh… when would the torture never end? This just bites! It feels like her lower abdomen together with the organs that are underneath it are going to fall off. If it hadn’t been a proven fact that organs do not have limbs of their own, Sasuke would have readily believed that they are desperately churning themselves inside out or tearing themselves off from the inner lining of her body.

Is this how delivering a baby is like? Why did she even think that? Oh, for the love of God! Banish that thought Uchiha, banish it! We are not gonna even go there! Do you not suppose that this is bad enough as it is? Or are you just getting a kick out of dissecting the Horrors of Life?

Please spare thyself.

It’s mortifying enough that she got caught in Shikamaru’s trap! Honestly! She can’t be this slow! Even burdened with a thousand and one wounds before would she never have faltered. Not even a gaping wound at any given point in her body would have slackened her greatly.

There is seriously something wrong with this girl’s body. Where in hell could she exchange this stupid form with a masculine one? There has just got to be a returns/exchange department for this kind of thing! Doesn’t she get to have that much courtesy? She could care less if could only get a girl form with a flat chest, virtually straight as a flag pole in exchange! So long as it is not this big-boobed, clumsified version of Uchiha Sasuke!

Uh…

Lets…let’s just stop here for a sec… hot damn…

Ohhhh... cramps… cramp… go away… ahhh… nnnhhhh… this stinks… hahhh… not fair…

“Dude, teme, Sasuke-baka, what in the world are you doing in this trash filled alleyway, crawling in your belly when in fact you should be in the hospital because, if you haven’t noticed yet, you are bleeding like crazy?”

Sasuke glared at the tips of Naruto toes that appeared on her sight. How in the world does Naruto accomplish being there for her at the worst time possible and how does he manage to come off as being right during these moments? Take that instance in the Valley of the Dead for example. At that time, he had been spouting righteous claptrap too. He maybe right, but Sasuke would not completely agree until she had finished bemoaning the fact that he is here, at this very moment, again.

Why is it that the Fates keep throwing Naruto at her? Is that like their hobby?

“Are you gonna continue frolicking together with the rest of your amoeba pals or are you going to answer, Uchiha?”

As soon as she gets up from this garbage strewn ground, she is going to plant her foot on Naruto’s nose SO hard, no doctor would be able to extricate that nose she would certainly embed into his face. How dare he say, much less assume, that she has amoeba for friends? Last time she checked, she’s the neat freak and he’s the complete slob.

“Sasuke?” Naruto’s cool swagger alarmingly switched to a worried tone. “Have you noticed that you are bleeding profusely only at your… crotch region?” Naruto crouched before her, his kneecaps replacing the toes that had been in her line of vision moments ago.

“Good God, Sasuke, you didn’t purposely cut your pecker off just to deter Sakura, did you? Teme, that’s not cool.” Naruto clucked his tongue against the roof of his mouth as his shadow loomed on top of her, closing in and covering almost half of her body.

By any chance, is Naruto reaching over to pat her down or just leaning over to check her out? What the hell is she staying here for? If there is any cue for her to start scooching far and away from Naruto, this has never been the better moment.

Let’s get a move on body! C’mon! Start scooching!

“Teme, were you even thinking of the rest of the gorgeous gals who want to have a piece of you?” Naruto’s movements stopped, but that didn’t stop the panic rising in her because, now she has a full view of his shins and off to her right she could see one of his hands planted to the side of her body. Naruto has her cornered for she has not moved an inch at all!

Muscles, you useless pieces of shits, let’s get this body cranking!

“Besides Saku-chan is one beautiful lady and you’re the only male I’ve known who actually doesn’t like her. I like her; all the rest of Konoha likes her. Why don’t you?”

Sasuke’s face screwed up into a scowl. The combined feeling of hysteria, cramping pain and a feeling closely related to giddiness are getting her totally messed up. She is doing quite fine with just cramping pain, shitty though it might have been, but to add hysteria and giddiness into the mix to liven up the party? That’s just plain mean. Frankly, she didn’t need anything to make it even more hellishly wonderful.

Sasuke seriously need Naruto to just shut up and go away. If he is here to defend Sakura’s case—

Oh, crap. Is that Naruto’s hand on her waist?

“Sasuke, I really think we should get you to a hospital.” Naruto muttered darkly, “I think you have lost a gallon of blood already. What the hell did you do to yourself? Saku-chan and Shika swore they barely came close to cutting you, much less grazing you with anything that is sharp and steely.”

Sasuke suppressed a gasp when the twin of Naruto’s left hand (which is still currently residing on her waist), came to rest on the right side of her pelvic girdle. She doesn’t have a clue as to what Naruto is bound to do, but her sense of Impending Doom is telling her that it is not going to be good. Truth to be told, the best scenario she could imagine happening is he is going to prop her up and inspect her lower section thoroughly.

Alas! It is beyond any kind of doubt that a lot more abominable stuff could happen, considering that this is she we are talking about here after all.

It would probably do her some good by praying. Now.

“Looks like I would need to haul your ass, teme.” Naruto said sounding miffed. “You better have something to repay me for this.”

Okay, now, things are going from bad to worse for Sasuke. Apparently, the most diabolical scheme that Fates could cook up is just about to happen to her for hauling ass could mean a number of B-A-D things. You see, if Naruto had meant to carry her like a lump of sack over his shoulder, her breasts would surely touch his back. Likewise, if Naruto carries her piggyback she would still end up in close contact with him. Now, if worse comes to worst, she would be cradled on his arms, giving him a full view of her ample assets.

If she only could dictate what is to happen next. For sure, she would rather have it that Naruto drag her by the feet to the hospital he means to cart her off to. Never mind the cuts, bruises and bumps that she would acquire along the way.

Eyes squeezed tightly (both due to extreme pain and in fervent prayer), Sasuke struggled to come up with a better chant than “breasts in, dick out, breasts in, dick out, breasts in, dick out! My dick freaking appear now! She has to be delivered from this cursed situation this very second because this is so not the way she wanted dobe to find out! She would come clean to him and Sakura anyways, the moment she comes in terms with the fact she would be a girl.

Why, why would this have to happen?

A teensy-weensy wiener-like miracle right now actually would not hurt. Please.

“Upsy-daisy,” Naruto grunted as he hoisted her up, his two hands spanning her ribcage and coming dangerously close to the crevice between her breast and torso. It was all too sudden for Sasuke when Naruto had set her on the ground, balancing her on two very wobbly legs. As soon as he had let go of her, she felt like crumpling back into a fetal position to desperately cover her front and to ease the unbelievable pain that kept on shooting up to her abdomen.

Ugh! The pain! The pain! It’s cramping her style and making her appear like the hunch back of Notre Dame about to witness the occurrence of Armageddon!

“You know,” Naruto mused, “I was thinking more along the lines of supporting you while we walk TOGETHER to the emergency room.” Naruto paused and sighed heavily, exaggerating this already much exaggerated act. “But it appears like I would have to give you a piggy-back ride.”

Okay. Officially, this is it. Sasuke no longer questions if the cosmos are playing a joke on her. They are doing it and obviously, they are having an ass-kicking time making her the victim of all evil scenarios they could come up with.

“Teme, I know you are thin and all. Heck, you even have a pale complexion and short stature to match—what?”

Taking offense at being called short, Sasuke held one finger up to interrupt Naruto and somehow managed to scramble something on her placard.

DOBE, I AM ALMOST AS TALL AS YOU ARE. DON’T EVER CALL ME SHORT.

Naruto shrugged (which actually is the signal for her to deck him, but considering she could barely move, the only thing she was able to do was add more ferocity in the scowl she blasted his way).

“Two inches shorter than me, means short of stature. The point is, you’re heavy.”

Sasuke is just about ready to pass out from the pain—an act she is more than willing to execute—had it not been for Naruto and her aggravation to this creature. How dare he call her heavy! She is of normal height, weight and if she does say so herself, she’s one hot, sexy momma!

DOBE, YOU JUST HAVE PUNY MUSCLES. THAT’S WHY YOU THINK I’M HEAVY.

Naruto snorted. “Pfft. Teme, you’re just plain heavy.”

Sasuke would have been contented exchanging barbs with Naruto all day, but this dobe would just have to go and ruin it all for her. He quickly put their verbal sparring to death by taking hold of her arms and slugging her onto his back. He had pulled her to him so roughly; she ended up slamming her breasts against the breadth of his shoulders.

As her wind got knocked out of her, More Pain and Nasty Shock descended on her like piranhas on a dying otter. The two fought for her immediate attention, while Naruto, most likely having felt these bouncy flesh through the thin covering he calls shirt, repeated the deed of crushing her to his back, three times in succession, as if making sure that the first two breasts-bouncing-on-his-back-sensations are not just his imagination. After the third try, he removed her from his back and unceremoniously dumped her to his arms, making it look like he caught her free falling to the ground.

“What the fuck?”

He stared down at her, confusion, incredulity and the sister of Nasty Shock written all over his face.

“Sasuke?”

Honestly, Naruto is starting to ogle her and her breasts so much he is beginning to create a mirror image of Kabuto.

“Are those…” he mumbled, bringing his knee up to support her bottom as he freed the hand holding it before. The said hand is now poised to poke at something, which you pretty much have the idea what. Right?

Sasuke would not be able to physically stop that finger from closing in to her boob. It would take too much effort, not to mention the percentage of her succeeding in snatching that finger is 0 to none (yes basically, a zilch percent of success) because, today, her muscles can’t seem to cooperate with her during the times she truly needs them.

There is only one way that she could think of to stop him from proceeding.

Enter Armageddon.

“You touch that and you die, dobe.” She said in a tone only pitch higher than a whisper. Mind you, it’s not ear shattering, nor resoundingly loud, but the effect in unerringly similar. Every living thing around them—insects, rodents, flies, the kid who suddenly made an appearance with a ball on her hand, froze in their activity—mouths agape, eyes widening ever so slowly. There was nothing but the echo of her voice and the pit pat of her blood dripping to the ground that could be heard.

Meanwhile, Naruto, our poor dumbstruck victim, has transformed into a mannequin—a slack-jawed, shell-shocked version of himself. If Sasuke is not mistaken, Naruto is just about ready to relinquish his hold on her. For sure, the smoke coming out of his ears is definitely a sign that his brain has spontaneously combusted, rendering all his voluntary and involuntary functions to shut down.

Ugh, that descent to the ground, in the event that is so happens, is not going to be pretty.

Consequently, Sasuke is not gonna be very happy the instant her rump kisses the ground. Even the mere thought of adding Pain Number Two into her list of ‘Whatever did I do to deserve something like this?’ is hurting her something fierce.

Ever got a root canal? Well, to Sasuke’s opinion, that’s way cooler than having a sore rump and bloody cramps. Against her better judgment, she would have to make Naruto realize that dropping her is not an option by TELLING him not to do it EVER.

“Drop me and you die, dobe.”

Naruto’s right cheek, twitched, one side of his lips turning up to form an insane man’s smile. He unhinged his jaw and worked his mouth several times in a failed effort to say something, until; finally, a squeak came out. Then, least of what she had expected for him to do, he executed the very first act she had forbidden him to do.

His hand clamped down on one of her boobs.

“How…Shika…girl…” Naruto said breathlessly, completely losing it. Sasuke is not overly concerned about his condition, however. Not even when Naruto’s spasming cheek included the whole corner of his eye, almost completely making the right side of his face jerk convulsively. Yep, Naruto looks like he is going to start one major epileptic episode minutes from now.

Sasuke could careless. What she is focused on now (the very thing she wanted to pummel Naruto for) is the hand that should not be where it is at this very second.

“I am going to cut that hand off—“

“What the hell happened to you?” Naruto yelled hysterically. “Are you really Sasuke? Who the fuck are you? You’re a girl!” He squeezed her breast twice to emphasize his point. “You’ve got boobs! You’re bleed—ohmygod! You’re having your monthly! How did you know Sasuke? Why did you come to Konoha? Oh, Gods, even Tsunade-sama got fooled—“

“Shut up dobe,” she snapped as she lifted her deadened arm and laid it across her abdomen. Weakly, she pressed it on that body part to ease the pain that has not lessened a bit ever since she started menstruating. Honestly, she could not deal with this and Naruto at the same time!

“Do not call me dobe! Only teme calls me that! Oh God, you’re turning pale, you’re turning pale! Quit doing that! Don’t you know that you are pale enough? What the fuck is wrong with you?”

Sasuke groaned. Answering Naruto is not really something that she would like to get into right now. Truly, it might just take a year for to at least scratch the surface of what needed to be said in reply to his query.

“It hurts. Shut up. Remove your hand from my boob.” She muttered wearily. It’s not the best explanation there is, but it’s short, curt and to the point—just like the way she wanted things to be. Good thing Naruto is chastised enough to retract his hand and placed it under her legs.

Then, to Sasuke’s amazement, he blushed.

“I… you talk like Sasuke, but you don’t sound like him.” Naruto frowned. “Why don’t you just turn back to your real form, girl?”