Almost Sucks

Almost Sucks
by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: June 9th 2006, Friday
second version: September 2nd 2008, Tuesday

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The beginning of this chapter is a tribute to the 80’s Swedish kids’ show Joelbitar. It was absolutely amazing.

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DISCLAIMER: I don’t own the rights to the Naruto or the Joelbitar series or characters and I make no money writing this. I’m just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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24: Designed for confusion

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I remember the song like I heard it five minutes ago. The beat of the music and the lyrics. The man sang about winter and summer, about stars and the ocean.

How come I liked that show so much? It was really weird and nothing actually happened. The kid ate grass and got chased by his mom. He screamed when he didn’t get his way.

I remember one day like it was last Tuesday.

I’m sitting on the deep red carpet too close to the TV; trying to sing along with the lyrics but only getting one or two words right. I suppose it must sound like a wordless, cautious mumbling; I can’t have been older than three.

The intro is running. The kid’s got food all over his face and then he plays in the bathtub. How old can he be? And what was his name again? Some things I remember so clearly and others are just wiped out from my memory. When the intro is over I hear the footsteps behind me and turn with a gasp of excitement.

“Niisan!” I shout.

It is my brother. I knew his footsteps, could recognize them anywhere. And I still do.

“Hey, Sasuke,” he smiles and waves.

He comes inside, sits down behind me and pulls me closer. Crosses his legs and lets me sit in the small space between them.

Then he watches the whole show with me; seven minutes of meaningless kids’ show with his jaw cradling the top of my head and his arms and legs cradling me. He laughs when I laugh, comment on my comments; like it’s not meaningless; like it means so much. Even though he must have had more fun things to do. He seemed so much older, so mature; like a grown-up already. How old was he when I was three?

I don’t remember how old he was then or how old he is now. I know I have seen papers where it’s written, many times, but I refuse to let it stick. I don’t want to remember.

It makes no sense, the things we remember and the things that escape us; but I wish I remembered less of him. Some days I wish he would just go away.

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Sasuke woke up with a jerk when Kakashi knocked on the door.

“Hey, moody teenager? There’s a neighbor at the door that says he knows you. Do you know any neighbors?”

Sasuke sighed, squeezed his eyes shut and ran a hand through his hair. What time was it?

“Just let him in,” he said.

“Right!” Kakashi sang and it sounded like he skipped away from the door.

Sasuke put an arm over his eyes.

Naruto. Of course it was Naruto. They had talked on the phone last night and Naruto had said he’d be over first thing in the morning.

‘No, you won’t,’ Sasuke had said. ‘Any earlier than ten and I won’t let you in.’

‘Come on,’ Naruto had whined and Sasuke had heard him pout. ‘I wanna see you.’

‘No,’ Sasuke had felt his cheeks warm but stayed strong. ‘It’s Saturday. Sleep in.’

So that should answer the question of what time it was. Ten.

It felt weird, this whole thing. Sasuke didn’t know whether to like the situation or not, but knew it leaned toward ‘like’. He had gone along with it, hadn’t he? But that felt weird too, liking this thing, because he wasn’t sure what it was. Were they together now? Did Sasuke have a boyfriend now? If so it would be the first time.

Neji hadn’t been Sasuke’s boyfriend and he was the only one even remotely close to the position. They had tried to make a boyfriendship out of their thing, but it hadn’t worked. Sasuke didn’t know why it hadn’t worked, but he knew they had missed something; there was something they hadn’t had.

What hadn't they had? Who knew? What really made up a relationship? Did he and Naruto have it? Was Naruto Sasuke’s boyfriend?

Somewhere in the back of his mind, Sasuke thought it should be obvious when he reached that stage with someone; when nothing was missing he would know, so he was confused. This thing now, with Naruto, felt like it should be something. It was different from the thing with Neji and it was different from all the other flirts Sasuke had had too. There was no feeling of spur of the party moment over this. It had been spur of the desperate moment a few times, from Sasuke with that very first kiss, and from Naruto both when he jumped Sasuke when Sasuke was sleeping and when he jumped Sasuke three days ago.

But despite those ‘spur of the desperate moment’ few times, they had been brewing for a long time. For almost three months they had been brewing now and there was no 'trying to find something' like there had been with Neji. This was not something Sasuke would want to find anyway; the only way he could accept something like this was if it stood in front of him for days, weeks, months and refused to go away, and even then it was hard.

Sasuke heard Kakashi talk in the hall and heard Naruto talk too. They both sounded cheerful; like a sound manifestation of the sun. Then a moment passed until he heard Naruto come up the stairs. The blond didn’t move as quickly as he usually did when he was coming up stairs, as if he was cautious or nervous. Which meant he was nervous, because ‘cautious’ had to have been erased from Naruto’s dictionary.

Sasuke’s stomach swirled as if he stood on the edge of a cliff, looking down. If Naruto was nervous then there had to be reasons. He wondered if he should get out of bed maybe; but then came the knock on the door.

“Sasuke?”

Sasuke cleared his throat.

“Yeah,” he said. “Come in.”

He settled for sitting up as the door opened carefully, slowly, only a little. Naruto stuck his head in first, his fingers wrapped around the door, glancing around before finding Sasuke on the bed. He looked nervous; scared to death in a way, but at the same time his eyes glittered with joy.

“Good morning,” he almost whispered and Sasuke felt like a deer that would run away if startled. “It’s ten now.”

Sasuke sighed.

“I said come in.”

“Oh, right.”

Naruto opened the door more and slipped through, closing it behind him. And he seemed to stay there, just inside the door. Almost with his back pressed against it. Sasuke wanted to sigh but didn’t. Instead he challenged his nerves and tried a smirk.

“Are you nervous?” he asked. Naruto flinched very slightly, then shrugged, pouted and sniffed.

“No. Are you?”

Sasuke just snorted, hiding his nervousness with amusement. Now Naruto had to act normal and come in; and he did. He took a walk around Sasuke’s room, as if it was a park. Glanced at Sasuke’s CDs in the bookcase, at the desk that was very clean compared to Naruto’s, out the window and commenting on how nice it was outside.

They hadn’t really met like this since that Wednesday, when Naruto had kissed Sasuke. They had only met in school and on the bus rides to and from it and that didn’t count. On Thursday Naruto had said that he had to go see Lee fight in some contest. He had promised apparently. He said that Sasuke could come along if he wanted to but Sasuke had declined. It was way too soon to go to some event as a couple, if they were a couple. When the blond started worrying about how Sasuke would get through the afternoon locked out, Sasuke had lied and told Naruto that Kakashi was leaving work early. He had spent a few hours walking and a few napping on a bench in a public playground near his house. The weather had been nice that day too.

On Friday Kakashi had left work early. He had picked Sasuke up after school and they had gone to the city together. Sasuke had had another appointment with Tsunade and Kakashi insisted that they take the rest of the afternoon to do some shopping. Sasuke had not complained.

He’d visited his favorite stores and walked his favorite streets. He’d bought two new CDs at “his” music store and gotten a huge discount because it was Sasuke’s first time there since the move and the owner was happy to see him. Once the CD shopping was over (to avoid arguments over Sasuke’s choice of music store) Sasuke had called and met up with Shikamaru and they had spent the last hours together.

Sasuke had thought it would feel horrible to go back to the city now that he didn’t live there anymore, but it hadn’t. It hadn’t even felt weird. It had felt like he hadn’t been away at all; like the move and Naruto and Iruka and school and the perfect neighborhood had been just a dream. It only showed when he talked with his friends; so many things had happened that he didn’t know about. It wasn’t serious things, big things; it was just stuff that didn’t matter but he would have known if he had still lived there. Shikamaru mentioned some things like that when he called, but a lot of those things only made sense to share when they happened, not when you talked to someone over the phone that hadn’t been there. And Sasuke hadn’t talked to Orochimaru, the music store owner, at all since he left. They never called each other, weren’t friends like Shikamaru and Sasuke were friends, but the man had still made up a pretty big part of Sasuke’s city life, the man and his friends. Kakashi and Shikamaru had always been nagging about how dangerous Orochimaru’s company was, but in Sasuke’s eyes they had been overreacting. Especially Kakashi’s ‘he’s a criminal, a pedophile and twice your age!’ argument had gotten very old. ‘More like three times,’ Sasuke had used to snap.

And so today it was Saturday, ten in the morning and Naruto was wandering around in Sasuke’s room. The blond usually didn’t come here, since Kakashi was the one locking the door and they never really hung out on the weekends. Things had changed now though, hadn’t they? Sasuke had been surprised but at the same time not, when Naruto called the night before and said he would come over.

Before the call, ever since Wednesday, Sasuke had thought about calling, or just showing up. He had never called Naruto before or just showed up, but things were different now. If this thing was something, Naruto shouldn’t be the only one calling, right? Sasuke didn’t know. Two days of thinking had produced nothing.

Before they had left Naruto’s room on that Wednesday, they had kissed again by the door. That time their tongues had played, a hand had rested just above Sasuke’s hipbone and one had been on Naruto’s shoulder. Sasuke had recognized Naruto’s kissing from the very first time, inexperienced but eager to make up for it, and had been wandering between trying to instruct without words and getting lost in Naruto’s enthusiasm. Sasuke still could sense the tingling feel of his mouth in and on his.

Naruto ended his short, unguided tour of the room by flopping down on the side of Sasuke’s bed. Sasuke had to move his legs to give him room. He seemed to avoid looking Sasuke in the eyes.

“Were you asleep when I came?”

“Yeah,” Sasuke said.

“It’s ten though,” Naruto defended.

“I assumed.”

Naruto turned his attention and grabbed the CD on top of the stack on Sasuke’s nightstand. Frowning, he struggled to spell out the name of the band and the album, like he was in first grade.

“This one looks weird and messy too,” he said. “Do you have anything normal?”

Sasuke sighed and snatched the CD back.

“No,” he said. “And it’s not messy.”

The first time Naruto saw Sasuke’s room was when he came to return a couple of schoolbooks he had borrowed from Sasuke and forgotten to return. One of the first things he had done was look through Sasuke’s CD collection. He’d always been curious about Sasuke’s music, he had said. Sasuke had been standing beside him, anxious and frustrated the whole time, picking CDs from Naruto’s hands and placing them back in the right place, and rearranging the ones Naruto put back himself. The blond had said almost all the CDs looked weird and messy.

“I bought it yesterday,” Sasuke said.

“Ah! Yeah, you went to the city. Was it fun? What did you do?”

“Bought CDs, had a session, met friends.”

“That’s cool,” Naruto hummed. “What friends?”

“Just friends.”

“Did you meet that one you called? You know, that day?”

“Shikamaru. Yeah.”

“I studied for that math test next week,” Naruto said. “Then I played some Playstation. I was gonna go see Lee but when I called he and Gaara were still... umm, still celebrating Lee winning that contest.”

Naruto coughed and Sasuke saw his cheeks had colored slightly.

“Still?” Sasuke blurted before he could stop himself. He felt his own face grow warmer. “I… I mean…”

“Yeah...” Naruto seemed equally embarrassed. “They’re… um, really into each other.”

Sasuke hadn’t seen Gaara in school yesterday and at lunch Naruto had leaned over the table and whispered that he was skipping to celebrate with Lee; Naruto’s red cheeks and manner said what words didn’t. His friends were having sex.

Sasuke had been surprised when he first heard that Gaara of the Sand was gay and dating. He hadn’t met the boyfriend, Naruto’s friend since childhood Lee yet, but he had seen pictures in Iruka’s kitchen. He didn’t at all look like someone Sasuke had thought the infamous and deadly Gaara of the Sand would date. Actually, Lee looked like a serious dork; with strange eyes, overgrown eyebrows and a weird haircut. Those pictures had looked old though, Naruto much younger and more mischievous. Maybe Lee was cooler now. And either way, they had sex. For two days.

“They’re such perverts!” Naruto exclaimed suddenly and threw his arms out.

Sasuke could have muttered ‘so are you’, or something, because hadn’t Naruto jumped him in his sleep that time? But he didn’t say that. He wanted to leave the sex subject behind, not get entangled in it more. The bed vibrating from the energetic jumping of feet against the floor said that Naruto wanted to leave the subject behind too.

The blond was such a liar, by the way, saying he wasn’t nervous. But Sasuke was too, wasn’t he?

“Ah,” Naruto broke the awkward silence and Sasuke looked at him to find the blond frowning. His hand went up toward Sasuke’s face and Sasuke blocked instinctively.

“What are you doing?”

“You’ve just got some sleep in your eye,” Naruto said and squirmed with his hand against Sasuke’s to come closer.

“Sleep?” Sasuke frowned too and curiosity mixed with confusion let the questing hand through.

“Yeah, like...” Naruto set down his other hand on the bed beside Sasuke’s hip and leaned closer, while the questing hand’s fingers moved toward Sasuke’s left eye. “Here...”

Sasuke had to fight himself to stay put, not wanting to seem weak, as Naruto carefully, gently scraped the inside corner of his eye. But while the finger in his eye was uncomfortable, the closeness of Naruto was nice. Sasuke could feel his warmth and feel his breath; the blond had brushed his teeth. Sasuke realized he had just woken up and must have the breath of a yak.

Then the finger retreated and Naruto pulled back somewhat, smiling.

“There!” he said and showed Sasuke his finger and the small dot of ‘sleep’ on the tip. Sasuke made a face and Naruto realized, wiping it off on his pants.

“Sorry,” he grinned. Sasuke sighed. Naruto chewed his lower lip for a moment.

“I’m sorry,” he said again, but didn’t seem very sad. He rather looked amused, giddy. “I lied, I am sort of nervous.”

“No shit,” Sasuke said and could feel a smile tug at the corner of his mouth. Naruto snorted and grinned even more.

“I’ve never dated anyone before,” he said, soft blush back on his cheeks. “Oh, um… not counting that girl when I was five; or that other girl when I was nine. Or Yumi, you know the grocery store cashier? Though I suppose I never really dated her, I was a kid and she just agreed to marry me when I grew up.”

‘That many girls, huh?’ Sasuke found himself thinking and it gave birth to a strange feeling in his stomach. He didn’t know why, but it was a frustrating thought, that he might be the first guy; like there had been a mistake somewhere. Sure, there could have been a boy somewhere that Naruto had forgotten about, in kindergarten maybe; but he had only mentioned girls. Why go after Sasuke if you were only interested in girls? It could be because it was yet another thing that made them different and Sasuke liked the things that made them similar. Child Naruto had been running around dating girls and wanting to marry female grocery store cashiers while the only person child Sasuke had wanted to marry was his brother; and his brother had never agreed, only smiled.

Naruto squeezed his eyes shut and looked embarrassed.

“I really haven’t dated anyone before,” he said. “So I’m nervous, I… I don’t really know what to do.”

“This…” Sasuke hesitated for a moment before he continued; trying not to let the difference frustration get to him. “This is… dating then?”

Naruto looked surprised.

“Yeah! I mean… Yeah!” Then he frowned and seemed worried. “I-Isn’t it? I thought… I mean, I kissed you and you kissed back, that means we’re dating, doesn’t it?”

“I...” Sasuke felt warmth rise to his cheeks. The blue eyes were so intense he had to look away, but looking away felt weird too, so he turned his head back to Naruto again. He found his teeth nipping on one of his knuckles and put his hand down. How long had it been since he had a smoke?

“I guess,” he finished.

Sasuke was scared. There was a dull, gnawing fear in the back of his consciousness, in his stomach. He recognized it, even though it had been years since last time. It had been there when Sasuke first came to realize that he could and wanted to live with Kakashi. It had been there when he became real friends with Shikamaru. It was a fear of loss, a frantic, panicking ‘don’t take this away from me!’ And now it was there with this; with him. Sasuke was surprised.

But Naruto smiled. He squeezed his blue eyes shut for a moment and opened them again. Then he leaned forward and Sasuke met his mouth with his own. Kissing was easier; Sasuke knew about kissing.

Naruto’s lips were warm, warmer than Sasuke remembered and soft, except for one chapped part of the upper lip.

Sasuke pulled back and with a squish they parted. He put his hand on the side of Naruto’s face before he moved in again and this time lips opened and tongues met. Sasuke watched out for teeth and slowly felt around in the smooth, moist inside of the mouth, trying to calm Naruto down. It was easier if you calmed down and took your time.

When Naruto had had eagerness and desperation to make up for his lack of technique, it hadn’t really mattered; the blond not knowing what he was doing had made things more interesting instead of less. But now he was nervous and gentle and it messed with his flow. He seemed to be a fairly fast learner though.

Sasuke realized that it had been a long time since he kissed anyone like this, by choice, without agenda and without being drunk. It really was more interesting when you weren’t drunk. He wouldn’t have minded a longer kiss but Naruto pulled back, blushing and licking his glistening lips.

“You know,” Naruto mumbled, smiling; looking shy all of a sudden. “I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want you to feel you had to do anything or come with me or something, but... ”

Sasuke frowned.

“What?”

“Thursday was my birthday,” Naruto said sheepishly. “I’m fifteen now. I’m sorry, Iruka wanted to invite you over to celebrate but I said you were busy. I didn’t think you’d like it; Lee and Gai were there and Gaara and his siblings. Gaara would have teased us and we’d just... you know.”

“That’s okay,” Sasuke said and shook his head and frowned. “You’re right, it would have been... weird.”

He felt grateful at the same time as he felt lonely, hearing that Naruto had been celebrating his birthday with friends and family only a few houses away. It would have been weird, but...

“Happy birthday,” Sasuke said.

“Thank you,” Naruto said and moved closer again, wrapped his arms around Sasuke and held onto him hard. His voice was a shuddered breath against Sasuke’s neck. “I really wanted you to be there.”

“Next year,” Sasuke said without really knowing what that meant.

But Naruto seemed to; his arms squeezed even harder. When he let go and pulled back his eyes were shining. Really, he was too sensitive.

“I got a present though,” Naruto said, smiling. “From you. Though it came one day early.”

“Really?” Sasuke said and raised a brow even though he understood and it was horribly corny.

“Yeah,” the blond said without explaining and Sasuke was grateful for it. Stuff like that you weren’t suppose to argue, but if Naruto had said it out loud Sasuke would have had no choice. He was no birthday present.

“Can I kiss you again?” Naruto asked, even though he hadn’t the first time. The birthday present idea combined with Naruto’s smile and his glittering eyes and the moment had turned so sugary that Sasuke had to do something or he would surely get cavities.

“You haven’t done much kissing, have you?” he said and shifted where he sat, with confidence.

It worked wonders. If a romantic song had been playing on record in the background, it would have stopped with a screech. Naruto’s smile and glitter turned to a frown and a blush of embarrassment.

“S-So?” he muttered. “What do you mean?”

“You’re not very good.”

Naruto stiffened and for a second looked mortified; then mortification turned to offense and he shifted like he didn’t know what to do with himself

“W-what?” he sputtered. “What are you saying? That’s the meanest thing I’ve ever heard! I’m not a bad kisser, I just haven’t...!”

“If you haven’t done much kissing, you’re a bad kisser,” Sasuke cut him off. “I’m not telling you to be mean, I just think you should know. You’re not very experienced.”

Naruto’s cheeks were burning.

“S-So? Are you super-experienced? Have you kissed hundreds of guys?”

Sasuke sighed and glared.

“I’ve kissed more than you have. And calm down.”

“I am calm,” Naruto grumbled. “How many?”

“I don’t know,” Sasuke was starting to get frustrated. “Can I get to my point?”

Naruto frowned, pouting and eyes narrowed.

“You have a point?”

Sasuke found that he was slightly surprised himself. He had a point besides breaking the emotional mood that would have sent him to the dentist?

“Y-Yeah,” he huffed. “I’m just saying, you should know... You need to practice.”

“Fine, I need to practice,” Naruto muttered, still offended. “You’ve kissed hundreds of guys and I’ve only kissed you so I need to...”

His expression quickly went from surly to realization, then delight crept up on him. Sasuke started to wish he hadn’t said anything.

“Yeah...” Naruto smiled and shifted closer. “I need to practice.”

Part of Sasuke sighed and told himself he should have known it would come; the rest of him couldn’t help but like the idea. His stomach swirled as Naruto came even closer.

“I can practice on you, right?”

“Sure,” Sasuke breathed against the mouth hovering in front of his own. “I can teach you.”

There was a difference. Naruto kissed him, but only once and quickly.

“You can just let me kiss you,” he mumbled, knew the difference too.

Sasuke couldn’t help but grin against Naruto’s lips.

“I'll teach,” he said and they kissed again.

“Kiss,” Naruto was grinning too and they kept practicing.

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