Sassychan

Author’s notes:

Wow, I never thought this chapter would come out ever. I was stuck; me and my muse, we had been marveling at others’ works lately, we haven’t been able to concentrate on the one we should have been working on weeks ago. Yes, I am irresponsible.
DISCLAIMER:

I do not own Naruto. I probably have mistyped the word own to ‘won’ before, I apologize.

Sassychan

By boyarina

Chapter 24: When It Rains, It Pours Part 1


He could not take his eyes away from the direction where she is at. Confounded and utterly shocked, question after bewildered question steam rolled past his brain, demanding to know how the hell this could have happened. Flattened and nearly dead his white and gray matters maybe, still they struggled to rise and search through existing scientific possibilities in order to provide an answer to these mob of questions.

A man turning into a woman… It’s like saying Gaara could become as hyper and talkative as the donkey character from the movie Shrek, made worse by being sugar high and by being subject to a lethal dose of laughing gas. Gruesome, ain’t it? Throw in the shadowed eyes, maniacal grin, and over-all scariness, you would certainly feel like you’ve been transported to the zone called “Halloween on Elm Street.”

Sasuke can’t be a girl! He—she—dammit! How the hell does he refer to that teme? He is not a he! She can’t be a she! A person may not be referred to as an ‘it’, not unless that person is a transvestite! Kuso! Everything just have to special around that teme, ain’t it?

Naruto glared at the bathroom door, hoping that the heat of his stare would go past the wooden panel and prick Sasuke to let her know just how much displeased he is at this turn of events. Who wouldn’t be? When Tsunade-baasan had confirmed that the girl he had brought to her office for prosecution (with the charges of personification, and illegal entry in Konoha) is actually Sasuke, (The Uchiha Sasuke) she consequently has given him explicit orders to ‘get an overly large tree stump and stick it down his throat’ and try not to advertise to everyone he knows about his discovery. Otherwise, the same fate will befall him. She didn’t tell him how, she didn’t tell him why. She simply handed him a paper bag containing chocolates, and a balm for Sasuke’s pain, commanding him to aid Sasuke with what she is going through.

Like he, of all people could do that! He is not a girl, and he has no plans of becoming one. Therefore, he has no knowledge about womanly stuff like, like monthly periods! NO offense to woman in general, but it’s like just utterly disgusting to be bleeding like that for days! All that sticky and coagulated blood coming out of you? uGh ! No. Way. Nah-ah. Uh-uh.

Hell. No. He would rather stay as a man. Occasionally smelly and sweaty he might be, it’s a far better bargain than what women go through.

Naruto had it spelled out in his head how he would reject Tsunade-baasan’s directions. He was right smack in the middle of his argument why he should not be the one to take care of Sasuke: (She’s a girl! How could this be Sasuke? No! Way! No! I don’t know nothing about napkins! What the hell are those? Tampons? Stick it where? WHERE?! Hell, no! Baasan! You’re the one who should help her!) when Tsunade-baasan pulled her trump card and addressed him as a vassal who may not commit insubordination.

Naruto had no choice. Sucking it all up, he brought Sasuke back to their house (that just sounded like they are hitched or something!), hoping that Sakura would be here. He knew that he wouldn’t be able to directly ask for her assistance, but he was planning to come up with a plan for Sakura to ‘accidentally’ find about Sasuke’s gender now. That way this whole deal about Sasuke’s monthly period could be taken care of by Sakura.

Unfortunately, he and Sasuke had come home to an empty house. For some reason, this minute detail caused nervousness and uneasiness to creep up Naruto’s spine. He didn’t know why, but the feeling is akin to being in someone’s house without the proper supervision of the person’s guardians (or parents, whatever it may be). Weird. It’s not as though they are going to do something dirty, or naughty or sneaky. If not for anything else, the actually were simply going to do some cleaning up.

“Oy, teme, have you flushed yourself down the toilet, already?” Naruto called out, banging against the bathroom door just in case Sasuke fell asleep on the tub or something. She has been quiet for the past few minutes he had been mooning about the recent events that had happened he is beginning to wonder if she already committed seppuku for the tragedy that had been handed out to her.

“Oy, Sasuke! What the hell is going on in there?!” Naruto shouted once again, nearly breaking the door down in his attempt to get her to answer him. Truth to be told, his last stray musing brought panic surging up his chest.

Sasuke would not be foolish enough to want getting pledged as part of Lucifer’s army, would she? (Premise being that when Sasuke cuts her lifespan shorter than what Kami had dictated it to be, she would go straight to the bowels of Hell.)

“Sasuke!” Unmindful that he is making quite a racket now, he continued pounding on the door. Let the neighbors run the front door down! He is not gonna quit pounding on this damn bathroom door until he gets some sort of answer!

Then, least of what he had been expecting, the door swung open. Really! Sasuke could have just screamed right back at him! But, of course not! She would have to go and unlock the darn door to peer at him (glare at him, same thing) exactly the second he got it into his head to ram the door down.

Naturally, with nothing to impede the speed he was rushing at (except perhaps the puny force Sasuke has got behind the door) he went right into the portal—which should have been blocked in the first place—like a freight train without any breaks. The only thing that stopped him from heading right out of the bathroom window is Sasuke’s body in which he slammed into and went sprawling on top of.

A barely dressed Sasuke. A Sasuke who is now only sporting a shirt and a… panty?

“Can’t. A. Lady. Have. Some. Privacy. Anymore?” Sasuke hissed angrily, clutching both her head (the part of her that bumped soundly into the floor the second gravity claimed possession of them both) and her abdomen (probably due to those infernal cramps she kept moaning and groaning about).

“Did you really find it necessary to pen that door?!” He growled back. If his reflexes weren’t as fast, he would have ended up with his face squelched between her breasts because of her stupidity (or her plan to cut his respiration off by suffocating him in her huge breasts!). As it is, he had been able to brace his fall with his arms on each side of her head the moment they landed on the tiled floor.

“Have you honestly expected me to scream instead and risk becoming a Neanderthal like you?” Sasuke scoffed, “You have got to be kidding me.” She sounds like she had placed her anger aside. However, the way she is sizing him up to be laid up in a coffin belied the truth behind her cool monotonous tones. She’s all riled up, the both of them knows it, just that she’d rather not throw a hussy fit like everyone else does.

“Who are you calling a Neanderthal?” he clarified with narrowed eyes and using his most gravelly, “I-am-scarier-than-the-boogey-man’ voice. Unlike princess ice cube beneath him, he prefers blowing up akin to an atomic bomb to release his frustrations.

“It’s basic English, really,” Sasuke drawled out, once again sounding composed, but with her expression clearly stating she is nearly done digging his burial plot in her head. “You are.”

The throbbing in Naruto’s temple has now become a roar behind his ears. She has done it again! She has provoked his inner child to exchange insults with her! It’s not even a day yet when he had promised to act civilized and sophisticated around Sasuke so she could see how mature he had become. But she has to go and ruin it, doesn’t she?

“Look here, teme, you dude-wanna-be—“

Her eyes widened in anger. Without any warning from her side, she crammed a pillow-like block into his mouth, cutting him off.

“I was a MAN!” she retorted just as he spat the object (which he found out to be a napkin) from his mouth. UN-BE-LIE-VA-BLE! How dare she jam that piece of contraption into his most sacred orifice! The gall of her!

Wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, Naruto tried to burn Sasuke to a crisp with the heat of his glare.

“You HAD BEEN a man, but all that counts is you’re going to be a WOMAN for the rest of your life!” he hotly declared, getting his head to bob so ferociously, the rest of his body parts nodded in their own way too, simultaneously agreeing with him in his statement.

“Ergo! A person destined to be a female is mere trying to be a man, despite being born with a dick!”

Sasuke’s right eye started quivering, her whole countenance showing as though she is slowly trying to digest his putrid conclusion.

“So, I had always been a female to you, is it?”

“Well, now you are!” Naruto blurted out. He could not help but agree with utmost zeal to Sasuke’s query despite the descent of her voice from pit of the graveyard deep down to the subterranean layer of Hell. Who is she scaring anyway? Hello?! It’s no longer Halloween!

“Oh, really?”

“Hell, yeah!”

A pinched look came over Sasuke’s face. Teeth bared at him, she said, “For your information, that just doesn’t give you the right to press your dick on MY thigh!”

Three exclamation marks rapped Naruto painfully on the head as he scrambled to his feet as though his ass is on fire.

“I…” he spluttered, choking on all the explanations that are clamoring to spill past his lips.

Honest to God, had been looking at the mirror right now, he’d say that he’s turning a little bluish red (violet you might say) from the lack of air, mortification and utter embarrassment.

“How did you know that was my…” he gulped audibly, reddening a bit more than before. Like a flaming torch this is exactly what his face is; lightning up the bathroom for better than the fluorescent light above them.

Wasn’t Sasuke supposed to have dermis akin to a rhinoceros’s hide? Damn her for turning into a girl and for suddenly acquiring sensitive skin. DO they have built-in lotions or something?!

“That wasn’t.. that was.. teme, you are such a pervert!” he accused, pointing a trembling finger at her.

Sasuke painstakingly propped herself up from behind, all the while scowling at the finger he got directed at her.

“How in hell did I become pervert here? YOU were PRESSING your DICK on MY thigh!” she growled, and then lacerated with her ultra venomous vision the appendage that is peacefully residing (well, not really) on the space between his legs.

Naruto crossed his thighs in an attempt to hide his crotch from her evil sight. Sasuke might have lost hers but he sure is not going to loose his! No sir!

“Weren’t you the one squashing my—my—with your limb?! You hentai! You’re even staring at it!”

Sasuke’s jaw dropped. “Squashing?!” she groused, “I am not squashing anything at all! Or staring, for that matter, you dimwitted jerked! I’m glaring because I am mad, not because I want to look at your overly enlarged member!” She looked away from him and muttered a sting of dark curses under her breath.

“So you say,” he replied petulantly, making her focus to come swinging back at him.

“Wanna come here and say that to my face?” she said, icicles practical forming in her words, “Be good enough for once and do that, would you? I just really need to ram the heel of my hand to your nose.”

Naruto stuck his tongue out at her (yes, very immature indeed for a 19-year old) and proceeded to take one mighty lounge backwards. Seeing that “true intent to destruct everything that is within reach” in her eyes, anyone in his steed would have done the same thing.

“You may grovel all you want, teme, there’s no way I am going to come nea—“

The resounding bang of a door being slammed shut and the call of “Naruto? Sasuke?” got Naruto clamp down on the sarcastic comment he had been delivering. He stood there like a statue, engaging Sasuke in a contest of ‘let’s see whose eyes get to be bigger than the other’ as shock lanced them both in the brain.

“Sakura’s here! Will you lock that damn door and get out of here?!” Sasuke snarled in hushed tones, gingerly trying to stand.

Naruto scrunched his face up; matching, crease by crease the scowl Sasuke has on her face.

“Are you ordering me around?” he asked idly, tarrying on purpose as a retaliation to Sasuke’s sore treatment of him. He had been a leader for a couple of times now and he has yet to treat a subordinate (no matter how incompetent) like that.

“Will you tone your voice down?” Sasuke reprimanded, keeping her own voice leveled, yet appearing somewhat frantic as Sakura’s steps came closer and closer to them. “And just get out?”

Somewhere up in the receiving room, Sakura called out again. “Naruto I can hear you! Are you in the bathroom? Where’s Sasuke-kun?”

“Uzumaki, get your smelly butt out of here!”

Naruto is now more convinced than ever to stay right where he is. Insulting his posterior and talking to him like he is used to being a whipped dog are just two of the things that simply would NOT persuade him to follow someone’s directive.

“Why don’t you want Sakura to find out anyway?”

“You want me to look like a freak show to her?” Sasuke growled in a voice barely above a whisper. She held her hands up like claws in the air, ready to tear him to pieces. Undaunted by her pose, Naruto moved nary an inch. His face remained neutral even when Sasuke placed a foot forward, crouching a little as she went into an attack mode.

Like a coiled spring just about to be released down a forty-foot staircase.

Naruto could not care less if he comes out of this fray like a sheet of paper that has gone through a shredder meant to cut lengthwise and then crosswise (Sasuke’s fingers sure looks mighty sharp from where he is) just as long as Sakura finds out exactly what he discovered today. He wants someone he could gripe this situation with sans the risk of losing his manhood otherwise he is going to go bonkers pretending Sasuke is a guy when in fact she is not!

Hailing Sakura (though never had been an option for him) or speaking louder to give her a clue as to their whereabouts no longer seems to be necessary as she sounds like (based on the level of noise her feet is making on the wooden floorboards) she’s merely a yard or two away from them.

But then, the unthinkable happened. Much to his surprise, thin rope-like snakes got unleashed from Sasuke’s wrists and palms. They aimed for his torso with jaws wide-opened and fangs bared. He was about to parry them and yell at Sasuke for foul-play, but the five snakes that he was about to eliminate vanished before contact, reappearing on places he failed to anticipate for them to go for.

Two wrapped themselves around his neck, four on his arms four on his legs. Naruto has every intention of burning them all off using his chakra, but lickety-split, like men-at-arms, they heaved and yanked him…

Barreling him into Sasuke. Again.

It was beyond any kind of doubt that Sasuke and her snakes did that on purpose. They even got him a position that would not leave anyone who sees them wonder if he had been the one who instigated pushing her down on the floor and straddling her. The worse part of this is now that the snakes are gone, their audience would think that Naruto is trying to harass the Uchiha Sasuke—the male Uchiha Sasuke.

Just in time, Sakura arrived at the scene of the crime.

“Naruto what in the world are you doing to Sasuke-kun?!” She shrieked, role playing the very scene Naruto have predicted. She slapped a hand onto her face and dramatically turned away. “I can’t believe I am seeing this! Naruto, you weren’t supposed to be gay!”