Almost Sucks

Almost Sucks
by Mashiro

Naruto fandom, series, no spoilers
AU, BOYS LOVE: Naruto x Sasuke, Kakashi x Iruka, Lee x Gaara

first version: June 16th 2006, Friday
second version: September 5th 2008, Friday

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DISCLAIMER: I don’t own the rights to the Naruto series or characters and I make no money writing this. I’m just a fan. This is fan fiction.

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25: The why and the dreams

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Kakashi arched an eyebrow at the sudden, muffled ‘ow!’ and moved a few steps closer to the door. The yelp was followed by a hissed something that he couldn’t make out and a ‘sorry!’ Then it was quiet for a moment, before a creak from the bed broke the silence.

He moved closer, quiet step after quiet step, and soon Kakashi could hear the soft squishy sound of lips against lips, those muffled moans that sometimes came from your throat when you were kissing and the occasional catching of breaths. When he had arrived at the door and was just about to put his ear against it, a second ‘ow!’ came, this one louder.

“I’m sorry!”

“Can you watch it?”

“I told you, I’m sorry! But you said you like it.”

“The little bites! Not the fucking ripping my skin off.”

“Ugh, you’re so… Fine! I get it!”

There came an annoyed and barely convinced grumble and Kakashi would have laughed if it hadn’t given him away. Sasuke could be such a baby. Sometimes you had to have the patience of a saint and thicker-than-rhino skin if you wanted to deal with him and not scream in frustration. And Kakashi had only been a parent; he couldn’t even begin to imagine what it must be like to date the guy.

But the make-out sounds came back and Kakashi pressed his ear to the door to hear better. It wasn’t that it turned him on or anything, listening in on the kids messing around. He wasn’t doing it for perverted reasons, he just wanted to know what they were up to; how far they had gotten and well… things like that.

Sasuke thought he was still away shopping. And that was the point, because Kakashi had noticed that very little, if anything, went on while he was home. Kakashi had never told the kid about his sneaking skills (since they were sort of most useful if they were a secret) and he was sure that Sasuke would rather not know anyway. He would never be able to relax if he knew that Kakashi could be anywhere at anytime, hearing anything. And a Sasuke that never relaxed would mean a constantly pissed-off Sasuke at best and a once-again-institutionalized Sasuke if you weren’t so lucky.

You might not guess it at first, with the way he eagerly expressed his displeasure, but the moody teenager was a very private person. Those things he first showed you were just the façade; they didn’t matter. What Sasuke really felt, what really meant something to him, you had to prove yourself worthy before he showed. That was what had made Kakashi suspicious and curious in the first place, that Sasuke showed what didn’t matter and hid what was important. Kakashi had smelled the thing between Naruto and Sasuke almost from the beginning and had expected to walk in on them making out on the couch for weeks, until the thought had struck him that maybe this wasn’t just another Neji-thing.

The Neji-thing was Sasuke’s first and only boyfriend attempt, according to Shikamaru. A couple of years back there had been a week when Kakashi had come home from work and found his teenager making out on the couch with a long-haired, scowling guy of few words; because it was a teenagers job to frustrate his parents. The first day had been quite a shocker.

‘Welcome back,’ Sasuke had drawled and smirked once his mouth was freed from the other’s, his eyes shining with ‘I dare you to disapprove.’

Kakashi had put on his most charming and to teenagers teasing smile and simply asked: ‘does your friend want some coffee?’

It had been a fairly turbulent week and Kakashi was amazed that things hadn’t escalated to all-the-way sex by the end of it.

Naruto would have been a perfect Neji-thing. What better way to get back at Kakashi for moving them here than for Sasuke to mess around with Iruka’s son? When he sensed that the sparks between Sasuke and Naruto had started to really turn into something, Kakashi had been anxiously waiting for the call from a fuming and distraught Iruka, or to walk in on the two entangled somewhere himself.

But there had been no call and Kakashi hadn’t walked in on anything. It wasn’t a Neji-thing. As strange as it may sound with the initial complaints Sasuke had had about Naruto and all their fighting, this mattered to Sasuke. Whether he knew it or not, Sasuke was actually serious about this.

It was ironic really; they were both for the first time serious, and they’d managed to fall for a father and a son. Iruka wouldn’t like this at all. But that was the reason why Kakashi was curious and spied on Sasuke and his boyfriend. He wanted to make sure they worked things out. It was important to Sasuke and therefore important to Kakashi. And it seemed like they did get along, in their own way. Arguing every step of the way.

A third, even louder ‘ow!’ was heard and this time it sounded like Naruto was punched; he whined and moaned like he had been.

“Damned retard! I told you to take it easy!”

“Don’t call me a retard!” Naruto’s voice was muffled and it sounded like he’d suddenly caught a serious cold. “I just… Ow!”

“Feel that? Does that feel fucking good to you? Fuck this, Naruto.”

“Ah, no! Just wait…! Sasuke! Come back!”

Kakashi was on his way away from the door before the bed squeaked again, the result of years of being around Sasuke; he knew when the kid left the room. Kakashi practically threw himself down the stairs as he heard the determined and angry steps across the floor. Just as Sasuke unlocked and threw open the door to his room, Kakashi faked an entrance with the front door, complete with a grin and a cheerful ‘I’m home!’

The moody teenager looked very sour, of course, to find that Kakashi had arrived home so conveniently. Or inconveniently. Sasuke’s cheeks had more color than they usually had and he pulled at his clothes to straighten them out. His hair was more of a mess than usual, one of the strands having flipped around and stood out from his head, not entirely unlike an antenna. But he didn’t seem to notice.

“What are you smiling at?” Sasuke muttered as he passed Kakashi and went into the kitchen. Naruto, who had showed up too, looked even more caught. His face was flushed, and reddened even more when he noticed he and Sasuke weren’t alone.

“Ah! Kakashi-san! H-hello! We were just… ah, studying…”

He trailed off and must have noticed himself how stupid it sounded. Kakashi smiled and tried to make it look like it wasn’t stupid at all.

“Good good,” he said. “And it’s Kakashi. Living so close and all, we’re practically family, right?”

That seemed to make the kid even more embarrassed and he laughed nervously.

“Yeah, right… Kakashi.”

Naruto hurried into the kitchen after Sasuke, who now stood rummaging in the fridge.

“I’ll take a soda, alright, Sasuke? Because we were getting drinks, weren’t we? Just getting drinks. It’s hot today!”

It was hot. An October heat wave.

-

In the dream I’m walking up the stairs to an anonymous building and I get a feeling it’s taking longer than it should to reach the top. The woman in uniform greets me at the door and I know that she is an officer of some kind. She tells me to come with her.

There are people in the corridors we walk through. They stand and they look at us, at me; all of them; and they have this look in their eyes, this pity. ‘That’s the foster father,’ it looks like they’re thinking. ‘Poor guy. But at least he tried. That sad, hopeless kid. We all knew it would happen, but at least he tried.’

The woman leads me downstairs. The walls are dark and empty, sterile. We go down and down and down and the steps give off this echo when we walk on them. This ‘clack, clack, clack’ sound. I think she’s wearing high-heels. I don’t keep track of how many stairs she takes me down, but it’s many. I try to count them sometimes but always forget once we reach to the doors.

The doors are so far down I don’t know if they really make levels that far below ground. She lets me go in first and I do, even though I don’t want to. I know what is waiting. I’ve seen rooms like this on TV, in those criminal series. The walls are covered with small doors, hatches, and everything is grey or dirty white.

The woman walks up to one of the doors and opens it, and then she pulls out the stretcher hiding inside. I know the body resting under the white, plastic-like blanket. I feel strangely empty when she uncovers his face.

He looks at peace in a way. His face is always free from cuts and bruises. He could have been just sleeping, if it wasn’t for the deathly pale quality of his skin. The woman gives an almost inaudible sigh and looks at her notes. Then she looks at his closed eyes, then she looks at me. There is pity in her eyes too.

“An overdose. I’m sorry.”

She says it like it was meant to happen, sooner or later, and that I shouldn’t feel guilt. It’s not my fault. But he is my child! Blood means nothing; he is my responsibility, how can it not be my fault?

She says different things every time. There’s a dream for every way to die that I can think of. Accidents, murders, suicide.

‘Found him in the river. I’m sorry.’

‘He jumped in front of a train. I’m sorry.’

Alcohol poisoning, car accident, raped, jumped off a roof, jumped off a bridge, stabbed, shot, beaten. Dead.

‘I’m sorry.’

When I wake up I’m always sweating. I get out of bed, dry the tears off my face and go to his room. Most of the times he’s there and I stand in the doorway a long time to watch him sleep. I wonder if he has any clue of how scared I am for him. I wonder if maybe next time I let him out of the apartment, for school or for his friends or for anything, if maybe that is the time when he won’t come back.

The times when he’s not there, I stay up until he comes home. When I wait I wonder, ‘is this the time?’ Will I get to see him alive again? I wonder, how can you get so attached to a kid that’s not even your own? How can you suddenly care so much, when you haven’t cared about anything like that before?

There’s something that attracts me so much about Sasuke. Nothing dirty, nothing like that, it’s just… something. There is something in his eyes, something so haunting in that gaze of his, in that glare of his, in that sparkle that he gets in his eyes when he smiles.

I wonder if he had that sparkle all the time before it happened, when he still was a kid. It becomes so painfully obvious when I see that sparkle. He stopped being a kid when he was five and a half years old.

I read in the report that he saw; not when it happened, but he saw them dead. How do you go through something like that without giving up on life? How do you say to yourself: ‘life is still worth living’? What can be worth living for, if you’re five years old and all the people you know and love are either murdered or the murderer?

Maybe you don’t tell yourself anything. Maybe your lungs just keeps breathing, your heart just keeps beating and your blood just keeps running through your veins.

Some times I let him know I’m up when I’ve waited for him and he comes through the door, others I just leave him alone to go through his routines before he goes to bed.

I sometimes think that maybe there is nothing more I can do for him. Maybe this is as fixed as he will ever be; slowly killing himself by doing stupid things.

And maybe I’m just overreacting. Maybe he’s just being a teenager doing stupid teenager stuff. I remember I did stupid stuff when I was a teenager. Maybe it’s just a phase. Maybe he will keep coming back alive.

-

“Is this your place?”

“Yep.”

“Wow, the view is beautiful. Bet you don’t notice anymore though, do you?”

Kakashi grinned. He unlocked the door and pressed down the handle without really opening it, leaving it to softly, slowly glide up. He grabbed onto the man standing by the railing and turned him away from the beautiful view. It was beautiful, though Iruka was right. Kakashi didn’t really appreciate it anymore.

“I don’t have to notice it now, do I?” he murmured against Iruka’s lips before he kissed him. Iruka laughed when he could.

“No,” he said and shook his head. “Not now.”

Kakashi dragged them both into the apartment, kissing Iruka again. Then he closed the door and locked it, throwing his keys in the wicker basket nailed to the wall.

“Sasuke?” he called, even though he didn’t see the his shoes and the apartment had been dark. “You home?”

Iruka took off his shoes and coat and strolled around in the hall, looking at the few things there were to watch, politely waiting for Kakashi to lead the way further inside.

“Is he out with friends?” Iruka asked.

Kakashi shrugged and hung both his and Iruka’s coats on hangers on the wall, next to the big mirror.

“Yeah,” he said and then he smiled. “You know, it’s Friday. They’re out somewhere having fun.”

Iruka smiled too.

“Naruto is sleeping over at a friend’s house,” he said. “They were going out to see a movie.”

If Iruka knew that Sasuke most likely was out drinking or fighting with his friends, the man didn’t show it. Kakashi led his guest from the hall to the living room and stopped somewhere in the middle and threw out his arms like he was trying to sell the place.

“This is me,” he said. “Well, me and Sasuke. In there is the kitchen and that door over there hides Sasuke’s room. That door we passed in the hall is the bathroom and that there is an even better view than the one outside. Don’t you agree?”

Kakashi waved in the direction of the doors, openings and windows as he talked and Iruka grinned. Went closer to the windows when the view was mentioned and looked out. There were a lot of lights, especially this late at night. Beautiful.

It was the end of June and while not their first date or their first night together, it was the first time Iruka came to visit Kakashi’s apartment. Kakashi had been to Iruka’s house once before, when Naruto was out; but just that once.

Usually Sasuke knew about Kakashi’s dates and flirts and partners, but he didn’t know about Iruka. According to Iruka, Naruto didn’t know about them either, and it felt strangely fitting not to share this lightly. There was something different about this. As strange as it sounded to Kakashi, this might be it. Iruka might be that special thing that would last and grow until it changed everything.

Kakashi didn’t want to tell Sasuke until he knew for sure. He didn’t want to tell Sasuke that this was it, only to end up breaking up with Iruka a few months later. If this was it, then this man would be a part of Sasuke’s family; Iruka’s Naruto would be a new brother. That would have been huge for anyone; for Sasuke... Kakashi couldn’t even begin to imagine what it must be like.

If this wasn’t it, then Sasuke would never know about Iruka; if it was, it, then he would be the last partner Kakashi told Sasuke about.

“I agree,” Iruka said, then turned and smiled his gorgeous smile that always lured Kakashi into smiling too. “This is an even better view. But you never mentioned that door there. Where does it lead?”

Iruka raised his chin slightly in the direction of the door Kakashi had deliberately ignored.

“Oh, that one?” He went closer and examined it, pointed. “This one here?”

Iruka laughed and threw his head back. He was a bit intoxicated. They both were.

“Yes! That door. Tell me about it.”

Kakashi raised an eyebrow and started moving away from the door again, toward the windows and the man who wasn’t swaying, but almost.

“Are you sure you want to know?”

“Yes,” Iruka giggled. “Tell me.”

“Really? There will be consequences.”

“Yes!”

Kakashi threw his arms around Iruka’s neck and Iruka wrapped his arms around Kakashi’s waist.

“Why, that’s my bedroom.”

“Really?” Iruka faked surprise and then they kissed.

“Really,” Kakashi grinned. “You think I sleep on the couch? You think I would bring my boyfriend over to have him sleep with me on the couch?”

Iruka laughed into Kakashi’s neck. They had started moving, with slow and wavy steps, not parting, toward that door.

“I suppose you wouldn’t.”

“There you go,” Kakashi said. “Would you like some coffee? Tea? Another beer?”

Iruka shook his head; didn’t take his eyes away from Kakashi’s, let his tongue run quickly over his lips.

“I’m fine.”

They kissed again, slower now, taking their time.

“I just want you.”

Kakashi hadn’t really thought Iruka was capable of being so naturally blunt. The man had blushed his way through most of their dates, hell, through most of the dates that hadn’t even been dates! When Iruka told him that he hadn’t dated a man before, Kakashi had assumed that he would be, not scared, but at least nervous about the intimacy. Shy, reserved, timid. But he hadn’t been. He had been confident and playful and at ease.

When the subject had come up, because it had, Iruka had just given a small smile with his head cocked and asked if Kakashi had expected a virgin. Kakashi supposed he had, though it felt sort of weird when he thought about it. When he said that, Iruka had laughed and shook his head. Apparently, that you hadn’t dated a man before didn’t mean that you hadn’t tried to date a man before. ‘I just didn’t find the right one,’ Iruka had said, and it had been Kakashi’s turn to smile. He could definitely relate to that.

-

After sex, that first time in Kakashi’s apartment, Iruka wanted drinks and easily convinced Kakashi to go make them. The seemingly innocent, but actually sly man snuggled into the large comforter and giggled as Kakashi left the bed.

“Hurry back,” he said and winked.

“You could come with me, you know?” Kakashi smiled and turned in the doorway. “Keep me company?”

“I don’t think we’ll come back if I do,” Iruka smiled. “And I like your bed.”

Kakashi snorted in amusement.

“And here I was, thinking you liked me.”

Iruka threw a pillow and Kakashi laughed and dodged out of the room.

“I surrender!” he called from out of range. “No pillows when I get back or you’ll be punished.”

Iruka snorted and smilingly Kakashi left for his secret stash of various alcoholic substances. It was secret because otherwise it wouldn’t last. He knew because he had an official stash as well and stuff always disappeared from that one. Teenagers. Had Kakashi been drinking that much when he was fourteen? Probably. No, he had probably been drinking even more. He really had no right to bitch about it.

Before Kakashi had time to even open the bottles however, the front door rattled open, setting a frown on the man’s face as he looked at the clock. It wasn’t late enough for Sasuke to be home already.

“Are you sleeping?” Sasuke yelled from the hall and Kakashi’s frown deepened. The guy also rarely said anything when he came home from his partying; especially not sounding that cheerful. Kakashi snatched a blanket off the sofa and tied it around his hips for some decency, then he padded toward the hall and stopped when he saw Sasuke.

He was leaning against the wall with one foot in the air, working on his shoelaces with what seemed to be great concentration. Until he looked up and saw Kakashi at least, then he smiled, wobbled and had to put the foot down. One shoe was already on the doormat, kicked off apparently, laces still tied. Something was wrong with that smile.

“You are not sleeping,” Sasuke said and looked delighted. Then he lifted the foot again and waved it in Kakashi’s direction. “Help me out, please?”

“With your shoes?” Kakashi asked, but came anyway; knelt in front of Sasuke and grabbed his foot.

“Yeah,” Sasuke sighed. “My fingers are weird.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Sasuke said; then he giggled and flopped down on the floor. “My legs are weird too.”

Something was wrong. This was not Sasuke when he was drunk; there wasn’t even much alcohol smell on him. He had been drinking, sure, but not nearly enough for this kind of behavior.

“Where have you been?”

“Just out.”

“Why are you home so early?”

Sasuke frowned and seemed to think about that before he smiled and answered.

“Shika said he wanted to go home.”

Kakashi dropped the shoe and Sasuke’s foot to the floor and Sasuke threw his arms around Kakashi’s neck.

“Carry me!”

“Sasuke…”

“Please… My legs are weird.”

Kakashi sighed again and for some reason his eyes were burning. He was scared, he realized, had been scared since the front door opened. This wasn’t how Friday nights usually went; Sasuke might go out on Friday but he didn’t come home until early Saturday morning. The child was here and that was a relief, but at the same time it made it so frighteningly clear that something had gone wrong.

Was Iruka really sleeping? Kakashi grabbed a hold of Sasuke and lifted him up, the boy light as a feather. Sasuke giggled again and burrowed his face in Kakashi’s neck. He was acting like an eight-year old.

“But I don’t get it because he wasn’t there.”

“What?” Kakashi asked and kept most of Sasuke’s weight on one of his arms so he could open the door to his room.

“Shika. I didn’t see him there. He just showed up and wanted to go home. Weird, huh?”

“Yeah.”

‘I’ll have to call and thank him in the morning,’ Kakashi thought and dropped Sasuke on the bed as gently as he could. Sasuke started pulling at his clothes but Kakashi caught his wrists.

“What are you on, Sasuke?” he asked, finally able to form those words.

Sasuke squeezed his eyes shut and frowned. Squirmed against his grip.

“Heey… Let go, I’m hot.”

“Sasuke. Look at me.”

He squinted up at Kakashi, stopped struggling and pouted and he looked so much younger than Kakashi remembered; so much younger than he was. Then Sasuke seemed to give up and shrugged.

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?”

“Noo, it’s something new. I don’t know. O said it was fine, but I just did it because I lost that stupid bet.”

“O? Orochimaru? How stupid can you be, Sasuke? How damn stupid can you be!?”

Sasuke flinched and pouted again. He didn’t curse or yell back as he should, just pouted and looked sad. Like he was about to cry.

“Sorry,” he mumbled quietly and turned his head away. Kakashi had to look away as well, and let go of Sasuke’s wrists.

“Can I take my clothes off now? I’m really hot.”

“Yeah,” Kakashi said and closed his eyes. His voice was soft again. “And go to sleep, alright? I’ll yell at you tomorrow.”

“Okay,” Sasuke said.

Kakashi was still for a second and just watched the child, before ruffling his dark hair and leaving. At least he was there.

Iruka sat up when Kakashi dropped onto the bed, was frowning and must have heard. He probably saw the tears too. Kakashi made no effort to dry the liquid off, just let them fall as they wished.

“What is it?”

Kakashi didn’t answer, just moved closer to Iruka and sighed in relief and shuddered as the arms wrapped around him without hesitation. One of the hands held his shoulders, the other his head, softly, slowly stroking his hair. They stayed there for what seemed like a long time. Life could be heard from outside the window, from down on the streets. Cars and some voices now and then. Kakashi cried silently, the tears soaking the sheets where he lay and Iruka as well. It felt awkward, but at the same time like the most natural thing in the world.

“It seems so stupid to say,” Kakashi mumbled finally. “Because it’s so cliché, but I think I’m a horrible father.”

There was a moment before Iruka spoke. His voice was calm. Caring. Soft.

“What makes you say that?”

Kakashi drew a shaky breath.

“Because my kid just came home high on some drug and he doesn’t even know what it is.”

Iruka tried to move them apart, to look Kakashi in the eyes, but Kakashi wouldn’t let go; didn’t want to be away from the closeness just yet.

“Is Sasuke-kun doing drugs?”

“Apparently,” Kakashi said, but it felt wrong once it’d been said. “No, I don’t know. I don’t think so. I would have known and this is the first time something like this has happened.”

“Shouldn’t we call someone?” Iruka asked. He had stopped struggling against Kakashi’s need for his arms and settled them back where they should be. “It could be dangerous, couldn’t it? He could…”

“No,” Kakashi interrupted and shook his head slowly. “That bastard wouldn’t get him anything dangerous like that. He’d just want him to...”

But the sentence didn’t want to be finished. The words stuck and in a way Kakashi was glad for it.

“Shit,” he said; the river of tears that had calmed down gaining new strength. “What the hell am I doing? How could I let him do shit like this?”

“You didn’t…”

“But I did!” Kakashi changed his mind and wanted free of those arms and sat up. “I let it happen! I know where he’s at when he goes out and I know what that dirty asshole wants, but I let him go anyway. I keep telling myself that I can trust him, that he’s smart and can take care of himself and that maybe this time he will stay with Shikamaru. I can’t believe that I’m so stupid! He’s fourteen years old, he’s just a kid!”

Kakashi shook his head and tried to at least stop shouting.

“You have Naruto-kun stay over at a friend’s house when you’re away and I let Sasuke be alone because I don’t see him as a kid and I want to believe he’s old enough to handle it. You are so careful about where you let Naruto-kun go, even if you live in a place where nothing could ever happen and what do I do? I let my kid party with a perverted gang leader pedophile. I know that’s where he is. He’s not with Shikamaru anymore.”

While not entirely true, it was true enough and where it mattered.

“Does that sound like a good father to you? It would be my fault if he dies before he has time to grow up. I swear, if the social workers knew about what’s going on here they’d…”

“Kakashi!”

It was the teacher voice and for once Kakashi was happy to hear it. He buried his face in his hands.

“Sorry. I’m sorry. I’m just... scared for him, I feel like there’s nothing I can do. I don’t know what to do.”

“You could take him away from here,” Iruka said, firmly and without hesitation; as if he had been thinking about it for a long time.

Kakashi frowned and needed much more time before he could respond.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean what I said. Take him away from here, away from this place. You said it yourself, where I live nothing could ever happen. I’m not entirely sure that you’re right about that, but it’s definitely easier for things to happen here.”

“What are you saying?”

This time Iruka smiled.

“I know your hearing is excellent.”

“You’re telling me to move? We should move?”

“It’s an option.”

“But…” Kakashi sighed and for a moment he looked at the ceiling. “Sasuke loves the city. I love the city. He’s got all his friends here, school, his life. That would be… He’d hate me.”

“Well,” Iruka shrugged. “That’s parenting. That’s being a father. You could be saving his life.”

Kakashi thought about that; watched the bed and really thought and he marveled at the feelings that came with it. Iruka’s voice broke the silence, but there was a different quality to it this time and his cheeks were slightly colored.

“I know that one of my neighbors is selling her house. It’s a really nice house and I think…”

Kakashi looked up and Iruka looked like he had on their first dates; happy and scared to death.

“I think you would like it.”

Kakashi smiled and shifted closer; wrapped his arms around the man in his bed and snuggled closer. Iruka’s arms were wrapped around him again.

“I really like your ideas,” he said.

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