Sassychan

Author’s Notes:

No idea what to place here.

DISCLAIMER:

I DO NOT OWN NARUTO.

Sassychan
By boyarina

Chapter 25: A Love Potion

Absolutely horrified. Being a recently converted homophobic (seeing Sasuke-kun being molested by Naruto changed her) could certainly make you absolutely horrified at the sight of one man grappling another man. This is why Sakura had quickly fled the scene after witnessing Naruto’s enactment of ‘How to get it on with your male best friend.’ Sure, it could have been one good piece of pornography to some people, but Sakura simply would not be able to stand it if in case Sasuke submits to whatever Naruto would do to him next.

Sakura had brainstormed for three-non-stop-hours about how Naruto could have turned gay in the span of three days (counting from the date Sasuke had arrived in Konoha) and she could come up with nothing but with the conclusion of Sasuke actually the one who is gay and that he converted Naruto to be one.

Sakura’s whole world is crumbling down her ears as this realization smacked her hard in the face. It had been real painful enough to find Naruto and Sasuke in a position she had always dreamed about to be in, but for the hand of fate to slap her with this additional agonizing possibility? It’s just harsh, I tell you! Harsh! She could only take so much! She’s a girl whose heart had just been crushed and, mind you, she has very tender feelings!

Sakura sniffed, inhaling in that runaway mucus that her nasal passages kept on secreting. She is trying not to be all choked up about this anymore, and is struggling to be more productive; to work towards a solution for her problems at hand. These are dire straits indeed. If all her assumptions are correct she would need some drastic and immediate measures to prevent having a gay Naruto and a gay Uchiha living in with her. She would have to set them both straight, literally set them both Straight as a Rod! It is her duty! Her (brand new) Ultimate Goal in Life before she kicks the bucket!

By all accounts, Sakura is not a devious person, but one thing that is pushing her to be like so is the thought of Sasuke-kun being anything other than a full-pledged male. In her mind (and heart) no one could thus be called Sasuke if one is: a) a half-male; b) a transvestite; c) a girl; and d) a closet gay. NO ONE could ever be a Sasuke not unless he is a true-blue, carved in stone, cursed for a lifetime MALE!

When she had dashed out of their house to grieve over her discovery, all means and ways to correct this gregarious mistake in her life came diving into her brain. They are all actually very wicked and petty, all matching the state of her mind then and now. However, despite this very objective assessment of hers, Sakura could not help but take a fancy to one particular measure and ponder how it could iron out all the creases in her life.

A love potion. Yes, Sakura is, by nature, is not a devious person, but the idea of getting Naruto and Sasuke to drink a love potion (separately!) so they could fall in love with a girl (like her for instance) is just so irresistible, she actually already have thought of the perfect accomplice who would be able to aid her with in the making of this endeavor. No, he is neither a witch, nor a wizard or that person common-folk has so branded because he is skilled at brewing and concocting weird stuff. Rather, he is one of those exceptional shinobi she had befriended from the Konoha General Hospital because of his unsurpassable ability to stir up medicinal herb and fix up an amazing cure. From what she had heard of him in the grapevine news, he has such flair in making “medicines” and has such an extensive knowledge on medicinal properties of plants that he would be able to make a cure for whatever ailment you have got in a snap.

Sakura stood up from the bench she was sitting on, the finality of a decision written all over her face. She is going to march her sorry ass off to Shishio-san (this is the guys she is talking about) and she is going to ask (or demand, whichever may apply at that point in time) for his help to make a very strong aphrodisiac, or something that would make a person crave for his/her opposite sex’s physical ministrations. If he refuse to aid her, she would sure that he understands the gravity of her illness (being sick at heart is not a laughing matter!) and make him acquiesce to her wishes.

Now from what she would remember, Shishio-san’s address is somewhere… out there… Sakura is not entirely sure (has no idea really), but he is bound to be listed, right? Yeah! He is bound to be listed on Konoha’s directory under the full name of… of…

… of…

Oh hell. This is not going to be easy.


88888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888

Zombies are said to be the scariest monsters on earth, well that is, if they ever existed. Sakura is going to have to kick dirt over that allegation though, for the moment she saw herself in the mirror today, she had been fairly certain she has this great chance of scaring them—the zombies—away. The reason? She looks dead-er than the dead itself; in fact, she looks like she had died from too much snake venom in her bloodstream, drowned in the ocean for one week, then stuck in a morgue’s freezer for a month and lastly, set to defrost on a pavement under the hot-midday sun.

(Careful, don’t vomit there now. Throw up in the toilet like a good kid. There you go.)

After five hours, forty-seven minutes, and thirty-nine seconds of searching for Shishio-san; two-hours, twenty-three minutes and ten seconds of explaining to him her request; and seven hours, fifty-two minutes and thirty-six seconds of making the perfect and working love potion, Sakura has finally achieved and acquired what she had set out to do.

Medic nin and kunoichi extraordinaire, Haruno Sakura has now in her hands a Love Potion.

It is true. What she has is a REAL love potion. Sakura has proven its worthiness to be called a love potion by simply slipping it into a drink she had offered Hinata when she had stumbled on the shy Hyuuga in the training grounds. She had been on her way home then and the drink she had been lugging with her technically was for her, but when Hinata had commented that Sakura might want join her and Neji-san on the journey home (seeing the state that Sakura had been in could have prodded Hinata-chan to invite her) Sakura saw her chance to test just how effective the potion is.

Turns out it’s prêt-ty powerful. All throughout their walk, Hinata had never ceased grabbing Neji-san on places you never really would be expected Hinata’s stray hand to land on, making Neji yelp and sternly reprimand Hinata (yeah, he is trying to hide a smile in the process) not to do it again. Undeterred, Hinata just kept placing her hand in:

His bottom pocket:
(“do you have a handkerchief?”; “niisan, don’t you keep your bandana in here?”; “niisan do you have money in here?”; “niisan your wallet is not here!”)

The pocket near his crotch :
(“do you have a pen?”; “can I place my purse in here?”; “I think my fingernail got stuck in one of the threads!”; “niisan, why is this pocket empty?”)

And on his chest:
(“Offfff! I stumbled!”; “opps, I stumbled again!”; “Gosh, I’m getting terribly clumsy…”; “do you think you could carry me, niisan?”).

Ah, all is well in their paradise. Now what Sakura just need to do now is make her own little paradise come true.

Sakura squared her shoulders and dared yet again to enter their house of horrors. She is not going to run away this time, no matter what position she would find them in. If necessary, she would stick a needle on just about any body part that Sasuke posses in order to inject this love potion into his bloodstream and consequently make him fall in love with her.

She is going to come out as the victor in this contest to win Sasuke’s heart even if it means that this is the last deed she may do from here on end!

Sakura, being more than convinced that she is the Heaven Sent Angel destined to make Sasuke feel and love like a man (like he should be!) reached out determinedly, ready to unravel the entrance that would lead her to Sasuke. However, her fingertips never even grazed the brass doorknob handle as it was suddenly pulled away from her.

From the other side of the door, the very person who had swung the door open, was Sasuke. Her Uchiha Sasuke. If this doesn’t mean that fates wanted them to be together, Sakura wouldn’t know what would!

NARUTO HAS BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU.

Okay, this a tiny bit disappointing. She would not get discouraged that easily, however! Knowing Sasuke, he just doesn’t want her to know he had been searching high and low for her too.

“Well, I’m right here.” She beamed at him. “You don’t have to worry.”

RIGHT. SAKURA, CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND?

Well, well. Seems like things are turning out a little better for her. Angels truly are God’s favorite creatures, aren’t they? For one, she’s a living proof.

Still wearing her mega-watt smile, she gave him her consent. “Sure Sasuke-kun. Let me just get us some drinks and we’ll chat in the living room.”

Sasuke peered at her suspiciously for a time or two. He seemed ill-at-ease to her estimation. Maybe due to her prolonged absence, he had been given the realization just how important she is in her life. He really had been worried sick when she had suddenly gone missing, hadn’t he?

Sakura waited for Sasuke to make a move. After several seconds, he finally opened his mouth, then promptly closed it, most likely remembering, he could not speak at all. He nodded instead, stepping back and turning away to head to the direction where they are to stage their confessions of love.

Sakura on the other hand, went straight to the kitchen, rolling the vial containing the love potion in her hand. She had given only but a drop of the potion to Hinata and she had turned into one very naughty, if not downright lecherous female. For Sasuke, Sakura might need more than a drop as the man tends to be too dense and thick at times. Also, she had been informed by Shishio-san that the potion works more effectively on females than on males, thus males needs to have a little more than the regular amount.

With that in mind, Sakura emptied the whole vial into the drink she had made specifically for Sasuke-kun, threw the vial on the nearest garbage can and marched to the living room with her inner Sakura cackling like Dr. Evil inside her head.

“Sauke, what is it?” She asked as soon as she had handed Sasuke his drink. With just the two of them in the house, and the potion’s effect being that whosoever drinks it would be attracted to the opposite sex nearest him/her, Sakura could not get to be more eager to see the results of the potion.

She watched in breath less anticipation when Sasuke did not reply to her query, but had instead played with his drink and consequently took a huge gulp out of it.

YES! She inwardly squealed. She knows, beyond any doubt, that Haruno Sakura is going to be one married woman soon! Huzzah! Halleluiah! She must have done something good in her childhood because it is certainly being—

“Sakura, how do you use a tampon?”

The carnival and its noisy parade celebrating Sakura’s victory came to a grinding halt. Tires of the float bearing her and Sasuke’s figurines—holding hands and garbed in wedding attire, banner with their names and hearts on it screeched to a stop as the numerous versions of inner Sakura flat out screamed upon hearing that oh-so-Ungodly voice.

What the FUCK is that?

“Did… did,” she stuttered, scooching away from Sasuke—or this person who might not be Sasuke. “Did you say something?”

Sasuke folded his (her?) arms and straightened in his (her?) seat. Being in that imposingly rigid stance, everything in his (her?) person stood out. As it was, two nearly indiscernible bulges became apparent against his (her?) shirt, making Sakura’s eyes, likewise, bulge out of their sockets as she stupidly stared at them.

“Sakura, do you naturally feel the need toggle another woman’s breast?” Sasuke (or this person who might not be Sasuke) intoned irritably, getting Sakura to swivel her attention back to his (her?) face.

“How…” Even just a simple question is getting far too complicated for Sakura to formulate. She is beyond dumbstruck and her brain had officially melted into a useless goo.

This person is a girl and… and…

“Sakura, I have asked you this, but I am going to ask you again. How. Do. You. Use. A. Tampon?” the Sasuke clone asked. Calm and steady like nothing freaky is going on that moment, the clone took a sip from her potion enhanced beverage.

Sakura twitched. It is bad enough that she is hearing this sound coming from this creature who looks exactly like Sasuke (except the boobs), but to watch helplessly as this girl drinks the potion down, swig after darn swig? The horror! Her potion is being wasted and if this is really Sasuke… and Naruto…

Oh. No. Noooooo… Oh, Jesus, Mary and Joseph, the clone’s drink is but now a figment of everyone’s imagination! To the last drop it is, at this very second, gone!

“W-ho are you?”

The close frowned. “Haven’t we already established that at the front door? Sakura, could you please pay attention and stop gaping at me for 5 measly seconds?”

Coming back to her senses, Sakura bounded to her feet and simultaneously pulled out a kunai. “I’m not listening to you! You’re not my Sasuke! My Sasuke does not sound like a crossbreed of Kurenai-sensei and Kaka-sensei!”

“I sound like what?” the clone asked, looking very disgusted. “And since when did you claim legal rights to my person?”

Sakura waved her weapon wildly around, completely disconcerted about the fact that the clone is addressing herself as though she is Uchiha Sasuke.

“I did not claim legal rights to you! You’re not Sasuke! Our Sasuke’s a male and you’re a… a…”

“A female.” The clone dryly supplied. “Like you are. Or are you gendered differently?”

Sakura gasped. “Don’t insult me, you, you, Sasuke-impersonator!”

“Let’s see here,” the clone tapped a finger on the side of her mouth, appearing like she’s gravely contemplating Sakura’s answer. “You greeted me with the name Sasuke at the door, and you call me an impostor now. Why call me Sasuke in the first place?”

“Because you got us all fooled into thinking that you are Sasuke!” She shot back, feeling smug at the cleverness of her.

Unperturbed, the clone exhaled loudly. “No, it’s because you thought I was a male. But not that I’ve revealed to you I am not a male, I’, no longer Sasuke to you.”

“Because Sasuke IS a male!” Sakura insisted, slightly hysterical now. “Always had been a male; would never be anything but a male! Not gay, not female, not—just plain male! A male who is supposed to be all over me now because of the love potion I gave him in his drink! But you chugged my chances with him down! I worked my ass off coming up with that potion and now, it’s gone! Gone!”

The clone did a double take. Eyes wide, she stared down at the empty glass in her hand.

“You placed what in my drink?”

Sakura brought a hand up on one hip. “That wasn’t for you. It’s for Sasuke-kun!” she said defensively.

“I’m Sasuke!” the clone moaned.

“No, you’re not.”

“Sakura what would the potion exactly do to me?” the clone asked as she covered her face—a face sporting the look of pure trepidation.

Sakura shrugged. Seeing that the clone is not a real threat, she began twirling the kunai in her finger.

“Had you been a male, you’d want to do me right now.”

“But I’m not,” the clone rasped.

“Well, then, you do the opposite.”

The clone groaned.

And groaned some more.

“Could you please tie me on this chair?”

Sakura raised one eyebrow. This is one odd request to make, coming from a possible impersonator. It could however mean the capture of this person. Well, the hell, whatever works, right?

Sakura stowed her kunai away and started pulling out ninja wire from her weapons pouch.

“You finally ready to turn yourself in?” she asked casually.

Face still buried in the palms of her hands, the clone slowly shook her head.

“What then?” Sakura persisted, winding the wire on her hand for easy access.

When the clone didn’t supply her with a response, Sakura decided to just stroll over to the clone so she could happily do her bidding. But an untimely interruption occurred. Before she had even lifted a foot, a puff of air materialized right between her and the clone, bringing with it Uzumaki Naruto.

And consequently an answer to her latest question.

Hot damn.

99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999

Comments:

please review :)