Darkness be my light

Wow! This was a long time coming. Talk about writers block! I seriously could NOT get in the mood to write ANYTHING over the last few weeks. Not a poem, story or even a two word txt message!! But do not fear! I got out my little imaginary jack hammer and KILLED that block GOOOOOOOOOD!!! MWA HAHAHAHAHAHA DIE BLOCK!!!

ahem

anyway...read and enjoy :D

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Cp-3 A Perfect Circle

My hands cupped the warm mug in my hand like it was the world. Held it like it was -my- world because I knew that if I focoused all of my attention upon it I didn't have to face the one who was sitting in front of my waiting for answers I couldn't...or wouldn't...give. Feeling that almost hopeful warmth seep into my cold hands, giving them feeling again when I was trying to remain numb. I wasn't sure if it was a welcome or unwanted feeling. It reminded me I could feel, I was human and I was alive. But it also reminded me I was here, breathing and still in this unwanted reality.

A doubled edged sword of comfort and humiliation.

I focused on the slow dark rippled the hot chocolate made against the pale porcelin. Distorting my image in the sepia tone of reflective liquid. I watched those small hypnotic ripples the rolled across the surface and lapped the sides faintly wondering if I watched long enough, if I would forget and fade away forever. The demon and I...gone and forgotten.

I heard something filtering through the haze of my own unwanted thoughts. Words mouthed from questioning lips with soft care. Words that demanded the attention I was unwilling to give, but finally did anyway. I rose my gaze away from the cooling cup. Summer skies meeting raven nights. Both hiding and betraying so much.

"Pardon?"

Sasuke's brown sloped softly in a mild frown that always seemed to be there. The fact it had returned, telling me had been gone for a while and I hadn't noticed? That was strange.

"Why did you do it?" Repeating what he said before making me flinch. It was a question I didn't want to answer before it made me think. Think about why I didn't want to be here, how it hurt, why it hurt, like perpetual ache knawing in my chest that I couldn't cure. I didn't want to think about any of that.

"Why does it matter?" Switching my gaze back towards the shimmering black on my mug like it held the answers to the world. The key to my questions, the oblivion I wanted to be.

A bang echoed like an awakings of truth snapping my attention up unbidden to find Sasuke standing and bowed over the coffee table. His fingers curled against the smooth polished wood a faint tremble quaking his body with restrained fury. Black eyes bore into me, demanding, asking, wanting more than cryptic remarks. More logic to an unlogical action. To fit the frayed edges back together.

"Dammit Naruto! You tried to kill yourself and now you're asking why it matters!?"

I didn't look up, didn't want to. He couldn't understand. How did you explain death to the living, colour to the blind? You couldn't. I didn't want these ties. I didn't want lines to something warm that I couldn't have because in the end, it hurt more when it was ripped away. I'd failed in doing the one good thing for this village, failed in forgetting and fading. But I would not fail again. Would not fail the next time.

"Forget it Sasuke...I don't want to talk about it."

"You tried to kill yourself Naruto. I want to know why."

"I said forget it."

"No...I'm not going to for-"

"I SAID FORGET IT, SASUKE!!" My fingers tighened on the mug and it cracked in my hand. Feeling liquid warmth drip onto my fingerstips like hot blood. Anger rose in my and I grabbed that anger. I could deal with anger. It was raw emotion that I could easily manipulate into something useful. Something to block the pain for a while, something to blinker me form everything else and narrow it down to a small compact point that was easily dealt with.

I shoved myself from the seat, letting the mug clink onto the coffee table carelessly. Sloshing hot chocolate about the sides as the small cracks deepened at the mistreatment. Dripping across the table. "Don't suddenly start to act like you care Uchiha. Don't you dare start acting compassionate just so you don't have to feel guilty later on."

Heading for the door, my escape, my salvation. I needed to find something, something cold and forgiving to bleed away the pain now while Kyuubi was still weak. While I still had control, still had choices. I Had to get out that door, because that was there my anger pointed me.

...Pain...

Familiar pain.

The kind I could handle because it wasn't in my heart in my soul. It was physical and clean. The sort that could heal given time.

A tight pressure was shoved into my chest and I gasped. Feeling the air leaving my lungs in a sharp rush. An elbow digging into my back, forcing me in against the hard surface of the door. I winced knowing I was still weak from blood loss even if I was standing and breathing and alive. I struggled, wanting free, wanting away, wanting outside where I had freedom to choose. Life or death. Light or dark. Pain or oblivion. I wanted that death, that freedom that dark oblivion.

"I'm not going to forget. I'm not going to let you go. Don't think I'm going to act like I care to save your feelings because you know I won't." The voice hissed it's reason into my ear and I winced for another, newer reason now. Logic. That truth at snapped at my heart dragging out that small surpressed part that wanted to live and try again. That tiny sliver of hope that was anything but hopeful. I knew. Because I'd hoped, I'd tried and worked hard. But it still hurt.

"You're my only friend, Dobe...and I'll be damned it I'm going to let it end like that without knowing why!"

Friend...only friend...hope...Someone cares.

I scrunched my eyes closed tightly. No, he's lying! Don't listen! Don't let him...don't let him get in. Don't, don't, don't!!

I started to thrash about, I needed to get away from him. That living warmth of his body was pressed to close. Dragging me back to reality, out of isolation. Where that painful truth was. Peopled hated, people hurt, I couldn't let anyone care. Always pain, always dark. Darkness without light. Cold without the warmth. Keep it away, both black and light. I didn't want either. I wanted a perfect grey were it didn't matter, didn't feel!

"Get away! Don't touch me! Get away!!" I screamed over and over. "You don't care Let go! Don't care, you can't care!" That self depraving Mantra singing over and over in my mind. 'Moster, moster, no one needs you moster...go away...fade away moster fade away.' I screamed, because I needed a vent. Needed to filter it free. Needed it out of me. I couldn't bleed, couldn't get away.

'...monster monster...'

Had to get it out, let it free.

'...monster monster, fade away monster, fade away...'

I clawed and writhed, but my body betrayed me. It felt weak and heavier than it should. I couldn't understand. I had to get away from him. This heat this warmth. I didn't deserve it. Even if I wanted it, to coil up in it and smile. Trust it and hope. It scared me because it had left me too many times. That warmth. Hurt me, saved me, brought me back. I couldn't understand it. Couldn't hold it for so long that now I was afraid to.

"Let go, Let got....let go let go let go!!" I panted hot tears of frustration trecking down my cheeks. "let go...let go." Chanting over and over again, like an incatation that would make it so. Say it enough, will it enough, it would come true. Will it woth words. I wouldn't work, it never worked. Wishes don't come true...don't come true.

Something shifted, turned me around. Easing the pressure in my back and that warmth was all around me. I sucke din a sharp breath, forgetting to struggle. It felt good? My pulse speed with fear. It was going to go away...It would leave, he would leave wouldn't he? Sasuke pulled be close against his chest. I was still faintly shorter than him, but not by much. He was hugging me? Why was he hugging me?

"I'm not letting go." Voice soft and hard with assurance.

Unbidden my fingers clutched his shirt, bunched the blue cloth in my fingers tightly...don't let me go....don't let me fall.

"Promise. D-don't let go."

"I promise."

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Argggg...evil chapter of doooooom! Gotta love unbridled emotions :D so fun to write even if it is absolute Cr*p at points XD Hope you guys like the third chapter...R&R are always welcome as you know!